Dropping children off at day camp

[ealp2009]

Why is this so hard for my kids? My son is 8 and dropping him off is torture. He tries to run away, he says bizarre things. What should take 3 mins takes 15 plus. And he is at an age where counselors aren't really willing to restrain or hold on to a kid. (Which I understand). He is not really upset about going, although he would prefer not to. Although we home school, he does a one day a week drop off program so it's not like he's not used to being dropped off (although he has trouble with those drop offs too). He picked the day camp and everyday after camp he says he had fun and he won't have trouble the next day. Anyone else have trouble with this? I feel like we should be over this at this point.

 

 

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[Tap]

Do you know anyone else who is going?  Maybe you can carpool and if they are willing to be the drop off person, it may help him to transition easier. Otherwise search for ideas on "transition anxiety".  It is similar to separation anxiety, but is more about the actual change of event.... than leaving mom's (or someone else's) side. 

 

If not, see if one of the counselors will buddy up with him at drop off.  Sometimes, giving a kid a specific person to look for or a task to do at drop off can really help smooth the transition. 

 

Good luck!  

Edited June 24, 2017 by Tap

[gardenmom5]

I had this with dudeling for cub camp.   but dudeling is an aspie and even treated, still struggles with anxiety. I ended up going with him  - because I knew the counselors weren't going to be able to work with him if he refused to participate.

 

he's 8.  is it really necessary for him to go?  is anxiety normal for him?  if he goes - does he have a good time when he settles in (after the initial separation anxiety), or is he stressed the whole day?  how is he when he comes home?

[lovinmyboys]

My ds7 is like this. I don't have any advice. He wanted to go to baseball camp so I signed him up (and he knows the head coach of the camp). The first day he just completely refused to go. He wouldn't get out of the car. I eventually got him there but it was so draining. Sometimes I think I shouldn't sign him up for things, but on the other hand, he has fun once he goes.

[Anne in CA]

None of my kids were like this... but... I 'd be worried about anxiety at this point. I'd have it looked into. One boy from ds's troop was like this and he had serious anxiety by the time his parents looked into it. It was very hard  for them to see they should do it, but they got him help and moved on. 

[luuknam]

Mine are sometimes like this. Broccoli was like that last time at parents' night out at the Y. I told him that we were going to look at shower curtains (something he's not interested in at all), and that if he didn't stay, he'd have to look at shower curtains with us. Eventually I told him "fine, we'll go look at shower curtains", and then he finally decided to let go of me and stay at parents' night out. So, being serious about being willing to let them do a mighty boring alternative can work. Of course, sometimes that's not a possibility. He does get this way more when he's high anxiety for unrelated reasons (this was right around our move). 

[MercyA]

Why does he have to go? I wouldn't force him to attend an optional activity if it's so difficult and uncomfortable for him. He's still a little kid. 

[ealp2009]

Why does he have to go? I wouldn't force him to attend an optional activity if it's so difficult and uncomfortable for him. He's still a little kid.

Unfortunately, he does have to go because I have to do some continuing education credits and this is my only chance and I have no one else to watch him. He isn't actually really upset. Although there is some anxiety. It is half day and he says he enjoys it. The occasions when he has been super upset, like crying and saying he doesn't want to go, I have taken him home and not made him go.

 

I am thankful that we can homeschool because this would be a daily occurrence if he was going to school and he would probably be on the more upset side, rather than the just difficult side if it was school.

 

 

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[OneStepAtATime]

With your last post and comment about it potentially being a daily occurrence if he were in school, that does sound like anxiety to me.  Not just mild, brief situation anxiety but something a bit more serious.  Kids can frequently outgrow mild anxiety but some do not.  In fact, without help, some kids end up with severe anxiety.  It gets worse, not better.  This is often not something they can just push through at all without help.   Pre-teen years can be especially challenging and can negatively affect their sense of self.  Those pre-teen years are not that far away.  

 

You might consider looking into childhood anxiety and see if anything speaks to you.  Perhaps mention what you are dealing with to your pediatrician as well.  

[ealp2009]

None of my kids were like this... but... I 'd be worried about anxiety at this point. I'd have it looked into. One boy from ds's troop was like this and he had serious anxiety by the time his parents looked into it. It was very hard for them to see they should do it, but they got him help and moved on.

He definitely has anxiety. We have an appointment with a psychologist (it takes so long to get those types of appointment around here). I do a lot of mindfulness stuff with him and generally I don't make him go to things he doesn't want to go to. For example, with religious school I stay with him but this week I really have to get things done.

 

The camp was just this week and he has one more week in 3 weeks but he will be with his sister so hopefully that will help.

 

 

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[OneStepAtATime]

He definitely has anxiety. We have an appointment with a psychologist (it takes so long to get those types of appointment around here). I do a lot of mindfulness stuff with him and generally I don't make him go to things he doesn't want to go to. For example, with religious school I stay with him but this week I really have to get things done.

 

The camp was just this week and he has one more week in 3 weeks but he will be with his sister so hopefully that will help.

 

 

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One thing that I will mention is that constantly avoiding the things that cause anxiety can make it even worse later on.  But hopefully you will find a good professional to help you and he navigate these waters.  Don't be afraid to find someone else if this turns out to be a bad fit.  It can take several tries to find the right person.

[heartlikealion]

Tries to run away like in the parking lot or at the house?

 

I would see if you could arrive a bit early each day to give him a moment to gain his composure or relax a second? You might already be doing that. Not the same thing, and it doesn't happen much anymore, but ds used to fall asleep in the car on the way to places and wake up so cranky and didn't want to cooperate at all so I had to try to wake him up sooner/arrive earlier.

 

Has he elaborated at all about why he's not keen on going?

[gardenmom5]

Unfortunately, he does have to go because I have to do some continuing education credits and this is my only chance and I have no one else to watch him. He isn't actually really upset. Although there is some anxiety. It is half day and he says he enjoys it. The occasions when he has been super upset, like crying and saying he doesn't want to go, I have taken him home and not made him go.

 

I am thankful that we can homeschool because this would be a daily occurrence if he was going to school and he would probably be on the more upset side, rather than the just difficult side if it was school.

 

 

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if he is having fun once he is settled, it could also be transitional anxiety.  could you go earlier to help him get situated?  park your car and walk him to where the teacher/class/group is located so he has a friendly face as other's arrive?  is there anyone in his group he knows outside of group that he can "latch" onto:?

 

dudeling will also say he hates something - when I have been there and watched him having fun.  e.g. I took him to the nutcracker.  his eyes were glued to the stage the entire time  (though it was a bit long for him), and he was humming the music. . . . but he had a "horrible" time.  ;)

[SKL]

I would try to make the drop-off process as short and simple as possible.  Is there any way a counselor can come out and meet him at the car, so you just roll up and he hops out?  We have a camp that does that as its normal procedure, and it's my favorite drop-off method.  :)

[Guest]

My friend and I took our boys together.

 

I hope they didn't see us running away from the bus, hands in the air, yelling, "We're Freeeeeeeee!"

[mathnerd]

I think that a lot of this has to do with inability to handle transitions quickly. Since he says that he had fun, I think that you need to help him more with transition during drop off. How about trying to go in 15 minutes earlier and stand near the entrance with him without trying to drop-off? He will see a bunch of kids being dropped off. He will see that they are all cheerfully proceeding to do fun things like warmup or play or something else. Then, he might be ready to join them in 10-15 minutes. Some kids react badly when they feel that they are rushed even though it looks like a reasonable time frame to an adult.

 

In my kid's martial arts school, they always ask us to drop off the kids earlier in the school than at the exact time of class because they think that kids need 10 minutes to transition their minds to the atmosphere of the school in order to gain most out of the class.

[Zinnia]

Would a car-line style drop off help? Where you just pull up, they open the door, the kid jumps out, and off you go?

 

That seems a lot easier for my kids than the walk the kid in variety.

[Word Nerd]

My older DD did similar things until she was 6 or 7. One VBS was particularly difficult. When she had a drop-off meltdown again on the second day after having a rough first day even after the drop-off, I decided she wasn't ready and took her with me to help make snacks for the kids in another part of the building. She was upset that she couldn't stay with her class, but I didn't think it would be fair to the young volunteer teacher or the other kids to let her carry on. We tried again the following summer and had no trouble at all.

[FriedClams]

I would not make him go. He's 8. Whatever. Hating camp at 8 isn't the end of the world.

[maize]

Food sometimes makes a transition easier. Could you hand him an unwrapped cheese stick (or any snack he likes, sugar works best for some kids) just as it is time to get out of the car?

 

My theory is that eating sends "safe and secure" signals through the brain. Or maybe it is just a distraction from the anxiety.

Edited June 24, 2017 by maize

[zoobie]

Walking my kids who tend toward anxiety in to an activity is worse than a carpool drop off. My 3rd loooooves preschool. Loved her teachers this year. Probably would have traded me in for one of them. The days I had to walk her in for whatever reason, she would get upset when it was time for me to go. Carpool drop off? She would hop out without a bye and bound into the building. Her older brother was the same way, and his preschool didn't have carpool. He adored his teachers and friends too and wasn't genuinely upset about being at school. It was the transition that gave him anxiety. He is almost 12 and still struggles with new transitions a bit. Drop off has always worked best for him as well.

 

So if there's a way to drop off or carpool, try that.

 

There are some good books on childhood anxiety (What to Do When You Worry Too Much is one) and mindfulness exercises that can help. I can't remember the name of the one that is about anxiety, but it's on the Angry Octopus CD if you look on amazon.

[ealp2009]

Thanks for the suggestions. He doesn't actually hate it. He says he likes it. He tells me after I pick him up that he won't have a hard time the next day because he will remember how much fun he had but then the same thing happens the next day. I do appreciate the comments that he is only 8 and that's still young. I feel like the rest of the world thinks he should be at school all day and sleep away camp in the summer. I will try to get there extra early next time.

A drop off without walking in could help because then he wouldn't have to watch me walk away and then run after me. But the camp doesn't do that sort of thing. And he might just lock the door and refuse to get out.

 

I will look up those book suggestions. Thanks zoobie. I think I have some others in that series.

 

 

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[luuknam]

I would not make him go. He's 8. Whatever. Hating camp at 8 isn't the end of the world.

 

 

A) the kid doesn't hate camp, and B) there are valid reasons for not wanting or being able to have your kid attached to you 24/7/365. 

 

Another thought of the OP: last summer my youngest refused to go to camp some mornings. He liked the camp, but he was just too tired. It was a YMCA camp out in the woods, but it was a day camp, so he was bussed from our Y to camp every morning and then back in the evenings... so drop-off was at 7am, iirc, and pickup at 6pm (because our Y also happened to be the location furthest from camp). So, long day, lots of running around in the woods, etc, made for a very tired 5.5yo. I ended up letting him sleep in one morning and driving him to camp late (not that late, because I could be faster than the bus which had to stop at a couple of other Ys). So, anyway, trying to make sure the kid is well rested can make a big difference. 

 

This year he's going to go to residential camp. I'm a little worried because it's his first time, but at least we'll only have to deal with drop-off once (and it will be his older brother's 4th summer, so we know the camp, and they're both looking forward to it). And, for bonus points, residential camp drop-off is in the afternoon, so no early morning "I'm too tired" crankiness at drop-off. 

Edited June 24, 2017 by luuknam

[Bootsie]

Is there an adult at the camp that you can talk to and get some advice?  Maybe they could watch and see how quickly he changes once you are gone?  Maybe they will see something in the routine that could be changed that would help.  I have a friend whose child did this if she dropped the child off but not if her husband or someone else dropped the child off.  I have another friend who found that staying a few minutes until her child got involved in activities helped.  Thus, I have seen very different solutions to what appeared to be the same issue.