WWYD? If anything?

[AnthemLights]

Please Don't Quote

 

We are (unofficial) foster parents.  We were supposed to meet with bio mom last Friday.  First meeting in 3 months and it was 6 hours away.  Bio mom seemed eager for meeting, kept texting to see if we were still coming.  Last text we got from her was half an hour before we got there.  Basically just asking if we would get there by the time we had said we would. We replied yes, see you in half an hour.  She had given us her address and we were supposed to pick her up at her place and go out to eat. 

 

When we got to her place, she wouldn't answer the door and when we texted her to let her know we were there, she replied "Sorry, I can't meet with you today."

 

We hung around town for 4 hours.  Texted her multiple times. She never answered.  Eventually, we just left for home.

 

It's been a week.  We haven't heard from her.  According to DH's phone, she hasn't seen those last couple of texts yet.  

 

On one hand, she has a history of drugs/alcohol and maybe she is just bingeing.  She has never been very reliable with meetings, missing 3 out of the last 6.

 

On the other hand, she seemed very eager for the meeting. As evidenced by her texting us half a dozen times leading up to the visit.   She knew that this was a big meeting and that we had driven a long way to see her.  Also, she is married to her phone and generally sees a message within minutes of sending it.  Sometimes longer if she is on a binge. But it's never been longer than a day.  

 

That whole day just seemed weird and I can't shake the feeling that something more was going on.  I've worried enough that last evening my husband and I spend some time scouring news articles online from her hometown.  We didn't turn up anything. 

 

What would you do next?  If anything.

 

Oh, her address was a very run-down trailer park.  Lots of chain link fence, trash, and fierce looking dogs.  She doesn't have her own place or a job that I know of.  Generally she just hooks up with guys so that she has a place to stay.  

 

[Heatherwith4]

Can you let a social worker know? Something could have gone wrong with her phone, or it could be something worse.

[maize]

I'd call the local police and ask for a welfare check.

 

We've had one called on us before and it is not a big deal--surprised us to see a sheriff at our door but she just said someone was worried and wanted to make sure we were OK, we chatted for a minute and she left.

[Carol in Cal.]

The fact that she hasn't seen those texts is what really concerns me.  I would try to find her, and to alert someone about this--family or police.  Also, unofficial foster care--doesn't that mean that you can't get medical attention for the baby?  I hope you have documented rights in that regard, and if you don't, that you get them soon.

[Guest]

Yes, I think you ought to call and ask the police to do a welfare check. You have enough "evidence" to warrant reasonable worry.

[AnthemLights]

By unofficial, I meant that we never went through social services, although they are aware that we have him.  We have a signed POA from bio mom and are working with a lawyer to get guardianship.  Bio mom was supposed to sign some temporary papers on Friday, but then, of course, never did.  

[AnthemLights]

We thought of doing a wellfare check, but I am not sure how that would work with someone who is basically a transient.  She has only been at this address for the last 2 or 3 months.  Would the police even take us seriously?

[Davysmom]

In my experience, that is pretty typical behavior. She may well have been looking forward for to the visit, but it may have just been too much for her. The big visits are the ones that are the hardest.

 

We have had many bio parents bail on visits. It is very frustrating, but it is pretty typical. There isn't much you can do. Often they will sabotage themselves.

 

With an adict there is no telling what she is doing or why. She probably is ignoring your messages because she knows she made another mistake and she doesn't want to face it.

 

You can try a welfare check, but it probably won't help. She probably doesn't want to be found right now.

[maize]

We thought of doing a wellfare check, but I am not sure how that would work with someone who is basically a transient.  She has only been at this address for the last 2 or 3 months.  Would the police even take us seriously?

 

They ought to; many people are transient and this is the address she told you to meet her at.

 

Certainly doesn't hurt to try!

[AnthemLights]

In my experience, that is pretty typical behavior. She may well have been looking forward for to the visit, but it may have just been too much for her. The big visits are the ones that are the hardest.

 

We have had many bio parents bail on visits. It is very frustrating, but it is pretty typical. There isn't much you can do. Often they will sabotage themselves.

 

With an adict there is no telling what she is doing or why. She probably is ignoring your messages because she knows she made another mistake and she doesn't want to face it.

 

You can try a welfare check, but it probably won't help. She probably doesn't want to be found right now.

 

I agree with everything you said.  That's definitely been our experience as well.  I guess the only reason I am stressing about it this time is that although she has often ignored our messages before, we knew that she had at least seen them. And that she was just ignoring us.

 

It just feels different this time.  But you are probably right....it seems like the only thing we can do is wait and see.  

[ondreeuh]

She is likely seeing the notification of the text when it flashes on her phone (or in the notification center), but is not clicking on it to see the whole thing. My dd does this when she is avoiding talking to someone - she gets a preview of what they are saying with no pressure to respond. So I wouldn't assume she hasn't seen the texts.

 

It sounds really rough. It seems this is a voluntary placement? This might be where it starts to get really sticky - what are your obligations and how much can she call the shots? Are your obligations to her or to the child? (You don't have to answer me).

[winterbaby]

Of course the police would take you seriously. They have special expertise in dealing with people at the margins of society. (I mean there's always a chance you get a bad cop who doesn't do his job, but it's not like they have a policy that anyone without a stable lifestyle is beneath notice.)

 

Just because someone has an unwholesome lifestyle or unreliability is "typical" of them, or of their sort of person, doesn't mean they don't deserve attention for the possibility that they've run into misfortune. I would call.

[Guest]

Of course the police would take you seriously. They have special expertise in dealing with people at the margins of society. (I mean there's always a chance you get a bad cop who doesn't do his job, but it's not like they have a policy that anyone without a stable lifestyle is beneath notice.)

 

Just because someone has an unwholesome lifestyle or unreliability is "typical" of them, or of their sort of person, doesn't mean they don't deserve attention for the possibility that they've run into misfortune. I would call.

Every word of this.

 

You said it's already been a week. I'd call for the welfare check.

[AnthemLights]

She is likely seeing the notification of the text when it flashes on her phone (or in the notification center), but is not clicking on it to see the whole thing. My dd does this when she is avoiding talking to someone - she gets a preview of what they are saying with no pressure to respond. So I wouldn't assume she hasn't seen the texts.

 

It sounds really rough. It seems this is a voluntary placement? This might be where it starts to get really sticky - what are your obligations and how much can she call the shots? Are your obligations to her or to the child? (You don't have to answer me).

 

Yes a voluntary placement that was supposed to be very temporary but has turned into more than a year.  And yes it has become very sticky.  And sad.  And confusing.  Hence the lawyer.  :crying:

[Seasider]

I would call for a welfare check.

 

Is it possible that someone else manipulated the eagerness for a visit in an attempt to abduct the child? I know I have a wild imagination, but since things feel "off" to you, who knows? I would definitely want to know if bio mom is okay and hasn't been harmed because she cancelled a meeting someone else wanted to happen.

[AnthemLights]

I would call for a welfare check.

 

Is it possible that someone else manipulated the eagerness for a visit in an attempt to abduct the child? I know I have a wild imagination, but since things feel "off" to you, who knows? I would definitely want to know if bio mom is okay and hasn't been harmed because she cancelled a meeting someone else wanted to happen.

 

Your imagination is just as wild as mine.   :001_smile:

 

It's crazy the wild scenarios my mind has come up with late at night when I can't sleep.

 

I honestly don't think there is anyone interested in the child.  It's rather sad, but true.  At least not any family.  I guess you never know about strangers, though.

[wonderchica]

I'd call the police for a check since its been awhile, but none of it sounds that out of the ordinary for the situation. Even being very excited and then no showing- could be having second thoughts, got upset about situation, out using, etc.

[OneStepAtATime]

Here is where I would be with this... 

 

1.  If you don't call for a wellness check and there was an issue and a call might have helped her, how would you feel after the fact?

 

2.  What is the worst that can happen if you DO call?  If you do call and they can't find her, at least you tried.  If you do call and they find her and she was just avoiding you, then at least you know and can work to meet with her again another time.  If you do call and there was a serious issue and the call helped, then she is in a better situation than she might have been thanks to you.  At least you got her some help.  If you call and there is no way to help her but you find out what happened then at least you have answers and a clearer path forward instead of waiting and wondering and stressing.  The cops won't hold it against you to call.  It is part of their job.  

 

3.  If you don't call, she never contacts you again, you cannot locate her and you cannot resolve the status of the child will you always wonder if a call would have helped?

[Scarlett]

I would definitely call for a welfare check.

 

Very sad and I agree something seems a little off even for a drug addict.

[maize]

I can't think of a reason not to call for a welfare check. They don't need to tell her who called even.

[unsinkable]

Echoing those who advise calling for a welfare check.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this stress.

 

:grouphug:

[AnthemLights]

So you all talked me into it.  I called the police department and they said they would send someone by.  I'm feeling a bit like a drama queen, but I guess it can't hurt.  

[unsinkable]

You're not a drama queen! You're concerned!

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

So you all talked me into it. I called the police department and they said they would send someone by. I'm feeling a bit like a drama queen, but I guess it can't hurt.

Police do them all of the time.

 

I hope they will get back to you soon.

[clementine]

I hope everything is okay!  

 

Edited April 8, 2017 by clementine

[Spryte]

You made the right choice.   :grouphug:   I hope everything is alright, and she just had a terrible case of the pre-visit jitters.  It happens.

 

We've had disappearing birthparents often - but never with contact 30 minutes prior to a visit and then standing us up after a 6 hour drive.  That would concern me.  I hope she's okay.

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

So you all talked me into it.  I called the police department and they said they would send someone by.  I'm feeling a bit like a drama queen, but I guess it can't hurt.  

:grouphug:

 

Not a drama queen by any means.  You did a good thing.  

[LMD]

You having an off feeling makes ne think that calling was a good idea.

 

My brain immediately went to - the guy she's with chucked a last minute tantrum about her leaving and now won't let her talk to you guys...

 

I hope everything is okay.

[mamaraby]

LEOs do welfare checks all the time. If they don't find her at the place she is currently, it's possible they may know of her and know where else to look. You're not being a drama queen. You aren't bothering the police. This is absolutely their job. Did I mention they do it all the time?

 

I'm glad to hear that you called. It won't hurt and there are plenty of stories in the news where the difference between alive and safe and something worse is that someone somewhere called in a welfare check. There are olenty of things that LEOs handle on a daily basis that seem like a waste of time (my neighbor's recycling blew into my yard on a very windy day and my neighbor came and picked it up as soon as they knew, can't your write them a ticket?!?), but welfare checks are not in that group.

[AnthemLights]

I just heard back from the police department.  They stopped by and talked to the boyfriend who said that she is okay, just doesn't want to talk with us and is out running errands.  The officer left it at that.

 

Which doesn't really answer things one way or the other.

 

She doesn't have a car or a license so unless she went on foot? or, possibly public transport?

 

My daughter just reminded me that another reason that we all started worrying is that she hasn't posted anything on Facebook since last Friday.  Which is really, really out of the ordinary for her.  She usually posts multiple times a day.

 

I tried to tell dispatch all this, but they kind of brushed me off and said that they don't like to bother people too much.

 

So I guess I am no worse off than I was before, but also no better.   :confused1:

[unsinkable]

That's frustrating, to say the least.

 

I'd call again if you haven't heard in 24 hours.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

That's frustrating, to say the least.

 

I'd call again if you haven't heard in 24 hours.

 

:grouphug:

I agree.

 

It's not right that the police didn't insist on seeing her. How did they know the boyfriend wasn't lying?

 

I would be worried, too.

[winterbaby]

Yeah that's not right.

 

Sometimes it helps to call the specific police station's actual number, rather than 911, and speak directly to an officer rather than to dispatch. And as awful as it is to say so in this day and age, you might also get better results by having your husband make the call.

[AnthemLights]

Yeah that's not right.

 

Sometimes it helps to call the specific police station's actual number, rather than 911, and speak directly to an officer rather than to dispatch. And as awful as it is to say so in this day and age, you might also get better results by having your husband make the call.

 

That made me smile and groan at the same time.  Because I thought about that....I don't have a very good phone voice and am often mistaken for my children.

 

So you're probably right and I will ask my husband to call next time.  I'm going to give it 24 hours.

[clementine]

I'm surprised that they would take someone else's word over actually seeing a person for themselves.  I mean, if something happened to someone, by the hands of someone else, and that person was questioned about it, wouldn't they make up a story about that person being fine, but unavailable??  

 

I read true crime, so I'm naturally skeptical about everything, lol.  

[Catwoman]

I'm surprised that they would take someone else's word over actually seeing a person for themselves. I mean, if something happened to someone, by the hands of someone else, and that person was questioned about it, wouldn't they make up a story about that person being fine, but unavailable??

 

I read true crime, so I'm naturally skeptical about everything, lol.

:iagree:

 

I was thinking the exact same thing!

[Scarlett]

Your update just gave me chills.

 

Something is not right about that.

 

I would insist they find her in person.

[AnnE-girl]

I feel bad saying this when you are worried about her actual safety, but are you keeping a diary of your attempts at contact and screenshots of your texts to use for guardianship proceedings? They could be helpful if she decides to fight about it later.

[AnthemLights]

I feel bad saying this when you are worried about her actual safety, but are you keeping a diary of your attempts at contact and screenshots of your texts to use for guardianship proceedings? They could be helpful if she decides to fight about it later.

 

No worries, AnnE.  We've been keeping careful track ever since things started going sideways....which was pretty much right from the beginning.  Most (if not all) our communication is through Facebook messenger.  And I keep a journal.  But thanks for the reminder.

[AnnE-girl]

No worries, AnnE. We've been keeping careful track ever since things started going sideways....which was pretty much right from the beginning. Most (if not all) our communication is through Facebook messenger. And I keep a journal. But thanks for the reminder.

That's good. I'm friends with too many family practice attorneys, so that sort of thing always comes to mind.

[happi duck]

Thinking of you and hoping they'll listen to your DH. What a frustrating situation. I don't understand how talking to a boyfriend is a welfare check.

 

(hugs)