Help - possibility of suspension - learning disability issues

[Enjoyinglife365]

My son is on academic probation and is in real danger of suspension.  At the end of his sophomore semester, puzzled by his struggles, we discovered that he has a learning disability (processing, coding, initiating and OCD, anxiety, migraines) and scrambled to get him accommodations at the end of last spring semester. That saved that semester.

 

This fall he insisted on doing it on his own and refused most accommodations.  He missed the date to drop a failing class and refuses to apply for a drop waver because he feels his reasons are not extenuating enough. Obviously, his reasons are extenuating enough and his disability advisor will even write him a letter. The real reason he refuses to apply for the waver is because of his anxiety to get the signatures needed and writing the one paragraph explanation (even with our help and his disability advisors help). 

 

His disability advisor tried to explain to him that the accommodations are tools like his glasses and shoes. That didn't even help. He is in denial.  He refuses to get his textbooks on audio. They are still in the shrink wrap unopened. He refuses to go to a therapist for his anxiety and ocd which he denies he has. He refuses to go to a doctor for his migraines which for the first several weeks of the semester were on average almost daily lasting 3 to 4 hours.  His disability advisor will email his teachers when he has a migraine if he'd just contact her right away when it happens, but he doesn't. He refuses to use a note taker.  He refuses to get a tutor coach. That is someone to help him stay on track with his classes and things like dropping a class before the deadline. He says it won't help.  And it is all free.  The kid has his head in the sand. He doesn't get it and is downright stubborn.

 

College clearly isn't right for his brain but he wants to be an engineer and has a job waiting for him when he graduates. The company loves his work and now wants to continue to groom him over his summer breaks in each of their engineering departments. All we need is to get him that degree and he will be fine.

 

I need some outside the box thoughts on what I can do to motivate him. I feel letting him try it on his own was a huge mistake.   

 

Thanks for your ideas.

[Bootsie]

Is there any chance of the company allowing him to work for a year, grooming him in the various departments, rather than simply in the summers? Perhaps if he had a break from school for a year and got more involved with work, he would be more motivated to return to school.  It would not eliminate the challenges he has in college, but it might give him additional motivation to do what it takes on his part to get through.  I have had several students who have been suspended, taken a few semesters off, and returned to be some of my best students. 

[EKS]

I honestly don't think you can motivate him.  He needs to motivate himself.  If he were my son, I'd tell him that I will not support him financially unless he is in school and passing his classes.  In fact, I have told my son that (preemptively, I mean).

[hornblower]

He refuses to go to a therapist for his anxiety and ocd which he denies he has. He refuses to go to a doctor for his migraines ...

 

Assuming this person is an adult, there's nothing you can unless you can get him committed to a psych ward. Even then, after they're stabilized, you cannot make people go to therapy or take their meds. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd keep encouraging him but be prepared for the suspension & try to decide what you'll do then and what kind of support you're willing to offer him after. It's possible it will jolt him into taking action but it's also possible it will push him into further illness.  

 

:grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

He's an adult. You can make him get accommodations. You can't make him have an academic coach. You can't make him use any resources.

 

It really is painful to watch.

 

I have a 2E ds. For years I've been pointing out how he can work with his brain and make things work for him. For years he's proceeded as if things will magically come together this time. He's incredibly stubborn. He wants his brain to operate like any typical person, do he proceeds as if it does. With very bad results.

 

Perhaps your ds not ready to admit what his issues are and how he can accomplish his goal by working with the brain he has. He could take some time off and just work. Maybe after a year ease back in with one class at a time at the cc while still working.

 

My ds switched majors finally to something that works for the way he thinks. He's hoping to go to grad school in that field, but he did real damage to his goal getting to this place. I wish he'd taken time off, even lived on his own working and came back to it after a couple of years. I would have still helped with college even with a delay.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I honestly don't think you can motivate him.  He needs to motivate himself.  If he were my son, I'd tell him that I will not support him financially unless he is in school and passing his classes.  In fact, I have told my son that (preemptively, I mean).

Wow.  That is pretty harsh.  This kid has document learning issues, some of which may get in the way of accepting the accomodations that he needs. And, it sounds like he has anxiety, which may be warping his thinking as well.  So, why don't we kick him while he is down.  I am so glad my parents had compassion on my when I couldn't do what I needed at college due to anxiety and depression and welcomed me home so that I could get the help I needed, get my head on straight, and return to school when I was ready rather than "refusing to support me financially."  If they had done that, I would have been on the street and probably not be alive today.  I have received advice like that about my kid who is currently on leave from school due to mental health issues.  With this kid, had we taken that approach, I am sure we would have visited them in the morgue. 

[EKS]

Wow.  That is pretty harsh.  This kid has document learning issues, some of which may get in the way of accepting the accomodations that he needs. And, it sounds like he has anxiety, which may be warping his thinking as well.  So, why don't we kick him while he is down.  I am so glad my parents had compassion on my when I couldn't do what I needed at college due to anxiety and depression and welcomed me home so that I could get the help I needed, get my head on straight, and return to school when I was ready rather than "refusing to support me financially."  If they had done that, I would have been on the street and probably not be alive today.  I have received advice like that about my kid who is currently on leave from school due to mental health issues.  With this kid, had we taken that approach, I am sure we would have visited them in the morgue. 

 

I don't think it's harsh.  It's reality.  He's an adult and it's impossible to make an adult do anything.  

 

If he is truly having mental health issues, and not just being stubborn, then, if he were my own son, I would support having him come home to work those out.  But from the post it sounds like much of the issue is difficulty accepting the need for accommodations.

Edited November 11, 2016 by EKS

[RootAnn]

IMO, his anxiety has possibly jumped to the need for meds to help him see reality. (And, in my understanding, some of the stuff he deals with can also spiral into depression.) 

 

Is he seeing a therapist? It sounds like he needs to take a leave of absence from college, come home, get into therapy & get on some meds (and take them regularly), then go back & retry this semester. Hopefully, he'll be able to see the reality of the accommodations being necessary and helpful. 

 

As someone else pointed out, it can be incredibly difficult (impossible) to force someone to do something they don't want to do. I think you are doing all you can from where you are. But, he's definitely going to need some support at the end of the semester when the world comes crashing down on him. (I'd quietly start making plans for what life will be like when he goes on academic suspension.)

[Enjoyinglife365]

The idea to take some time off of school is appealing to me; time will not magically make the problems go away, but there is a small chance that it might allow him time to mature and be able to accept his limitations. The engineering company would be happy to have him.  The college allows only one semester off.  If he leaves for longer, there are repercussions.  Perhaps one semester combined with a summer break will be long enough. Of course, he needs to agree. Motivating him to agree is the biggest hurdle.

 

Yes, he has a therapist, but with my son in denial, we stopped the sessions.  The therapist said sometimes people need to fail before they accept help.  His college disability advisor hasn't been able to get through to him either. Since he won't go to a doctor, I can't get him meds.

 

He is already paying for much of school. It has taught him to budget and be frugal.  His therapist wants us to cut him off entirely. I have personally met people for which this approach worked to get them to accept therapy. But I doubt that forcing will work with my son's personality type.  *** I am looking to  motivate (or at least facilitate it) and educate him out of denial. ****  He is extremely intelligent which is ironically his downfall. I couldn't figure out what 2E means, and I just realized that is twice exceptional. Yes, this is what I was told my son is.

 

I am wondering if anyone has an idea as to why he is not reading his textbooks anymore? This is something new. He has always been a auditory learner, but he has also read just about every book in our library (OK exaggeration but not far off). He says that he can't learn that way and it is a waste. (Refuses the audio textbook service at school too).

[scoutingmom]

I don't have much advice, but maybe one thing that might help is it you could find a really successful person in the field with similar learning disabilities who would be able to personally meet with him and maybe even mentor him? Someone that can discuss the frustrations and have used accommodations and can show it isn't something to be ashamed of. It seems you soon is partly in denial, and partly given up.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[Jilly]

It sounds like he is in desperate need of some time off school in order to process everything. Learning you have disabilities that need accommodating can be hard to deal with at that late age and adding anxiety and migraines on top of all that is most likely overwhelming him. Some therapy would probably help him and he may need some medication for a while too. 

 

Also I would spend some time researching 2E and encourage him to do the same. There are so many wonderful resources out there that may help. A blog I love and would recommend is Your Rainforest Mind. 

[Bootsie]

The idea to take some time off of school is appealing to me; time will not magically make the problems go away, but there is a small chance that it might allow him time to mature and be able to accept his limitations. The engineering company would be happy to have him.  The college allows only one semester off.  If he leaves for longer, there are repercussions.  Perhaps one semester combined with a summer break will be long enough. Of course, he needs to agree. Motivating him to agree is the biggest hurdle.

 

Yes, he has a therapist, but with my son in denial, we stopped the sessions.  The therapist said sometimes people need to fail before they accept help.  His college disability advisor hasn't been able to get through to him either. Since he won't go to a doctor, I can't get him meds.

 

He is already paying for much of school. It has taught him to budget and be frugal.  His therapist wants us to cut him off entirely. I have personally met people for which this approach worked to get them to accept therapy. But I doubt that forcing will work with my son's personality type.  *** I am looking to  motivate (or at least facilitate it) and educate him out of denial. ****  He is extremely intelligent which is ironically his downfall. I couldn't figure out what 2E means, and I just realized that is twice exceptional. Yes, this is what I was told my son is.

 

I am wondering if anyone has an idea as to why he is not reading his textbooks anymore? This is something new. He has always been a auditory learner, but he has also read just about every book in our library (OK exaggeration but not far off). He says that he can't learn that way and it is a waste. (Refuses the audio textbook service at school too).

I am surprised that the university would only allow one semester off.  IME colleges usually want a student to take enough time off to make sure that they really are ready to be back in school. 

 

If these problems have recently surfaced (you say that he read in the past but now doesn't read his books) I would begin asking questions such as Is there something going on at the college (perhaps nonacademic) that makes it a poor match?  Is he having second thoughts about wanting to be an engineer?  Is his anxiety related to a fear of being close to becoming a full-fledged adult with all of the associated responsibilities?     

[Guest]

Regarding not reading textbooks- what helped my son was learning how to study from an older med school roommate who also had his learning style. Asking for clarification from a TA or hitting office hours became seen as just something a learner does, not a red flag of 'too stupid to get it from the textbook and lecture'. Study group became a habit. It took him three semesters to understand how to learn at college, and having his roommate and I expressing confidence that he would succeed was key. Second key was giving him the time via a minimal course load.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[TechWife]

I don't think it's harsh.  It's reality.  He's an adult and it's impossible to make an adult do anything.  

 

If he is truly having mental health issues, and not just being stubborn, then I would support having him come home to work those out.  But from the post it sounds like much of the issue is difficulty accepting the need for accommodations.

 

You are right, you can't make an adult do anything. However, your post lacks any empathy for the OP and for her son. I don't think you've ever known anyone who had help available and refused to take it. My brother had a variety of issues. He was always welcome in my parents' home and in the home of two of his siblings. He chose not to take the help and was stubbornly independent, often dropping out of sight for years at a time. We buried him at the age of 60. Wake up.

 

OP - I understand you anguish. I am actually facing a similar situation with my son. He refuses to use most of his accommodations. Things have been so busy with me taking care of my mother that I have not had time to check in with him  this semester as many times as I would have liked. I don't know what the end of the semester will bring, but I know we will make it through. I dread the hard parts, though. 

[TechWife]

I am surprised that the university would only allow one semester off.  IME colleges usually want a student to take enough time off to make sure that they really are ready to be back in school. 

 

 

 

You are confusing a  leave of absence with a withdrawal for medical or psychological reasons. A leave of absence would be simply not returning. If he finishes this semester, he can decide not to return. Largely, the college won't care. For medical, all you have to do is prove you're sick or injured enough that you need the time off to recover and you can leave in the middle of the semester without getting F's in your class. Psychological withdrawals can be more complicated for the return, but IMO, they shouldn't be any different than a medical withdrawal. I believe it's discriminatory for academic institutions to make students with mental health issues jump through more hoops than those with other medical issues have in order to return to school. 

[Starr]

:grouphug:  It's hard to cope with newly diagnosed problems. Even getting the routine of planning for accommodations is hard. If planning and organizing is hard so is getting all the paperwork, signatures, test scheduling etc on time. The anxiety increases. Without knowing more I would go for a medical withdrawal and a plan for mental health if he can't make it through the semester. This does not have to cancel his dreams. I live in a community with an engineering university that has high employment rates. They also have a busy accommodations department.  :grouphug: I don't know how one deals with everything else if battling severe migraines.

[EKS]

I don't think you've ever known anyone who had help available and refused to take it. 

 

Right.  

 

It is not to the same extent as what the OP is going though, but my own son (also a sophomore in college) has *many* of the same issues, and also refuses just about all of the accommodations and other help his school provides.  His grades are barely passing, and he just failed his first course last term.

 

It is not empathy I am lacking--I have that in abundance.  But at this point I am resigned to the fact that it is my son's life, and he has to make things work.

[City Mouse]

Honestly, there isn't anything you can do at this point to salvage his grades or yo motivate him. He has to want it himself.

 

If the accommodations are allowed but he won't take them, there is nothing else anyone can do. It sounds like the anxiety really needs to be treated more effectively.

 

I have worked with visually impaired kids who are almost totally blind but refuse accommodations because they don't want to appear different than their peers (not that a blind kid walking into wall is inconspicuous).

 

College is expensive. Unless you can afford to keep paying for school until the school kicks him out, you may have to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

[bettyandbob]

It may not be a question of "wanting" to do well. Some people need to accept themselves and their disabilities before they can be successful.

 

There is no question in my mind the my ds "wanted" success. He had to figure out ( and is still working on) his alternative approach to getting there on his own. This path takes a different route and time for each student.

[RootAnn]

Caveat: I'm not a psych doctor and I don't play one on the internet. (Ironically, I'm an engineer by schooling & professional licensure.)

I am wondering if anyone has an idea as to why he is not reading his textbooks anymore? This is something new. He has always been a auditory learner, but he has also read just about every book in our library (OK exaggeration but not far off). He says that he can't learn that way and it is a waste. (Refuses the audio textbook service at school too).

From http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression#1:

 

 

What Are Symptoms of Depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

 

He's given up? Nothing will work anymore, so why try? Everything is so overwhelming. It is too much work. Etc. Etc.

 

I don't have the personal experience that others do with this, but he needs to get back into a therapist ASAP, even if he isn't depressed or taking advantage of accommodations at his school. I'm not sure if that's the original therapist (who advised you to cut him off (!)) or a new one, but IMO, he needs to be getting treatment and being taught techniques to control his anxiety and OCD.

Edited November 11, 2016 by RootAnn

[Enjoyinglife365]

Lots of great ideas.  OK, so how do I find a mentor? Is there a non profit that finds mentors for struggling students? We could try to get him a (graduate) student mentor roommate, but how do we find one?   Ideas to help him out of his depression?  I see that should probably be addressed before he can be open to get help otherwise.  How do I help him not feel so overwhelmed about all that has transpired?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Know that I am not as eloquent as others and regularly have trouble putting my thoughts in writing...

 

I would be concerned about the OCD. Life is hell when one's mind decides for itself what you are going to be concerned with and think about at any given moment. I would want to know how the OCD manifests itself. There are behaviors associated with OCD that present as symptoms of other disorders or as other issues themselves and this might be clouding the bigger picture. Some obsessions are harmless (constantly thinking about the color blue) but others can be deadly (fixating on suicide). Compulsions are not always about counting steps or flipping light switches and may lead to behaviors that are confusing. A diagnosis of true OCD needs to be addressed.

 

I say a diagnosis because many lay people claim or joke about being OCD when they actually have no clue what OCD truly is. Most people are referring to the Freudian concept of anal behavior. I assume the OP's son has been diagnosed by a professional and this is not the case.

 

Secondly, while I agree that finding a mentor is a good idea I'm not so sure that seeking a graduate student as a roommate/mentor is the best course of action. Having someone to look to for guidance and reassurance is a wonderful thing but the mentor-mentee relationship must have boundaries. Whomever is selected as a mentor, adding the responsibility of a live-in mentee, one who has physical or mental issues severe enough to warrant a discussion about possible leaves of absence, is unfair and adds a level of stress that exceeds the typical mentor-mentee relationship. It was suggested to look for a mentor with similar issues and/or experiences. That doubles the pressure. It's one thing to have periodic conversations over coffee and share stories of 'this is what I did", "this worked for me", "this didn't work so well" than it is to live with someone and be there for daily guidance and counsel. This person still has to take classes, do homework, possibly hold a job, and continue to manage his or her own disabilities. 

 

Like others have said, I don't think you can motivate him. He has to find a reason to continue the fight and that reason is going to be as individual as your son. If his diagnoses are less than a year old, he's probably in denial.  It takes a while to get used to the idea that you are not who you thought you were. No one likes being told that what were once thought to be behavioral or personality quirks are indicative of or the result of something that will be with you the rest of your life. There are no magic pills.

 

I think the best thing you can do is be supportive of him but let him set the pace. Set some boundaries but not ultimatums. Make him take some responsibility within limits. He needs to figure out who he is and how he can manage and proceed. He is quite lucky in having the safety net of a company who is already interested in him and his talents. He is also blessed to have a mom willing to go the distance with him.

 

---

I hope this makes sense.

 

 

Edited November 12, 2016 by Scoutermom

[JanetC]

My freshman in college daughter was matched by the school to a roommate who is now leaving the dorm due to depression. I am very proud of how DD handled herself during her roommate's ordeal and thankful beyond belief that she found a support system to lean on, but it has been a very difficult time.

 

If your son is too sick to take care of himself, it is too much to ask of a college roommate to look after him.

[Mom22ns]

Disability services as ds's school provided each student with a mentor. You might ask his disability services coordinator if they can provide an upperclassman that has walked the path of using accommodations in college.

 

I'm in a similar position. Ds has refused to use any of the plethora of accommodations provided by disability services and it has definitely affected his grades. However, it is his choice to make it on his own and I can't change it (I tried). I support him in every way I can. I follow along far more closely than either of us likes with what is going on in his classes. I remind him of deadlines. I encourage him to get things done. I've met him at the public library (he goes to school less than an hour from home) and helped him do research that was stumping him. When he gets overwhelmed, he shuts down and I work very hard to help him through some of the overwhelming times. So far he's making it, but I consider him to be at risk all the time. It is very hard to watch, but I have no advice whatsoever.

 

I will never cut my ds off. I will keep working to help him gain his independence and the ability to function in this world until he makes it or I die. Nothing else will ever be on the table. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I've been thinking about why he might not be reading his textbooks anymore. 

 

Perhaps he is becoming fixated (due to the OCD) on a particular topic or sentence and rereads the material over and over and over. As a result he finds himself unable to process the information and move forward. However, his belief might be that intelligent, good students should be able to read the material, comprehend it and move on to the next subject. Due to his learning issues his inner voice might be telling him that he isn't intelligent, that he can't do it, These negative thoughts might in turn be exacerbating the OCD and he remains stuck and his anxiety and self-doubt increase which sets off that inner voice. It's a negative loop that results in cognitive dissonance and extreme psychological discomfort. As a result, he chooses (unconsciously) to avoid the situation that leads to the negative feelings, reading.

 

Armchair psychology  :confused1:

[maize]

I don't think it's harsh. It's reality. He's an adult and it's impossible to make an adult do anything.

 

If he is truly having mental health issues, and not just being stubborn, then, if he were my own son, I would support having him come home to work those out. But from the post it sounds like much of the issue is difficulty accepting the need for accommodations.

Mental health problems cause irrational thinking.

 

Which is what this sounds like to me.

 

A person whose brain is sick and not functioning properly cannot think through consequences and make good rational choices. This isn't a kid choosing to be stubborn, it is a kid badly in need of help and unable to understand that fact.

 

It's hard because he is an adult. What he needs is to withdraw from school and spend however long it takes with support, professional help, and probably medication, to get his brain functioning. Then go back to school with appropriate accommodations.

 

I'm thinking a full physical evaluation to check for anything that might be underlying his migraines and maybe some of the psychological symptoms is also in order.

 

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you and his school advocates and advisors can between you help him see and accept what he needs to do right now. Anxiety and OCD are no minor issues.

Edited November 13, 2016 by maize

[maize]

And I agree that he may very well be suffering from clinical depression at this point.

[AngieW in Texas]

I went through the same thing with my oldest dd. She ended up calling me during the 2nd week of school in her 2nd semester to come get her and put her in the hospital because she was afraid she was going to hurt herself. She was hiding out in the elevator and just riding it up and down because it was the only place where she felt safe. She was afraid to touch anything in her room because everything in her room was contaminated. 

 

She ended up being in the hospital for a full week. 

 

The school was great. Since we had not reached the census date yet, they just dropped everything as though she had not enrolled for that semester. It was spring semester, so she was even able to keep her scholarship intact as long as she returned to school by the following fall semester, which she did.

 

When she returned to school, she was in a private apartment with a medical note that said she needed one. With her OCD, she could not share a living space because she never knew what had been touched and so she assumed that everything was contaminated.

 

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  I might consider taking a semester off to really dig into his mental health issues, or maybe change over to a different kind of school or program.  My nephew had similar issues, and his father -- my brother -- found a program at a different school that had an interesting weekend schedule.  It was meant for people who had full-time jobs during the work-week, but there were many different reasons for the students being there. Or maybe he just needs to slow down a little, go to school part-time.  In any event, I would certainly continue to be there for him because he will need your support as he figures out his life.

[Enjoyinglife365]

Another question. But first I want to say that all the feedback has helped me tremendously look at this from many different angles. Thank you. Now, to my question. I finally got through to my son as to why he is resistant to the audio recording for his text and class. He said he needs audiovisual recording in order for it to help. His evaluation (from the psychologist) didn't put that in the report for accommodations. But it does point out that he used visual cues (imaginary drawing with his fingers) to remember the auditory instructions (testing) from the examiner. Video recording is not a typical accommodation that the school provides, but they asked him for an explanation as to while he feels he needs this. This is my best explanation "...needs the visual cues to help him absorb and remember.  If he doesn’t understand something, he will typically look for a video on the internet and watch it over and over. He also needs the visual cues when reviewing the class video to identify those sections (that he needs help with) as well as comprehension."  Anything more to add?

 

The school has academic peer mentors. Boy, was it hard to get that information out of them! Next hard thing is to get my son into the tutor center to speak with the scheduler and find a match.    Scoutermom must have met my son. Yes, that is him exactly. And he has perfectionism OCD.