Difficult transition?

[Night Elf]

Has anyone encountered this? DD18 has been at school less than a week. She moved in last Sunday. Classes started yesterday. She's missing home so much she's already wanting to plan when she can come home for a weekend. She wanted to do it next Friday but DH said during a parent meeting they encouraged parents to encourage students to stay on campus at least a month to help with the transition. I don't know what to say to her. DH and I think Labor Day weekend is a good time to come home because we can pick her up Friday and take her back on Monday. That is almost a full month at school and it's a holiday weekend when it seems it's a good time for students to go home for a weekend. Is that too soon? I hate seeing her feeling so badly. It's just such a BIG change for her.

[TechWife]

We were told at orientation to tell our kids to stay on campus and not allow them to come home. Our personal lifestyle doesn't support that idea. Our son is always welcome in our home, full stop. We told him that he could come home any time he wants to, but we hoped he would stay some to get to know the area. On average, we saw him about every four weeks, sometimes we went over to see him for one reason or another and sometimes he came home. 

 

I went to a suitcase college and was home almost every weekend. I was also a homebody, though. Some kids just need to know they can come home. I can't remember how far she is from you, but distance does factor in to whether or not you can get her. 

 

Labor Day is a good break and campus will probably empty out, so whether or not she comes home before that, I do think she needs to plan to do something that weekend - either with friends or to travel home. 

[hillfarm]

One size does not fit all. A lot of schools tout the "stay there for at least a month" idea. That is what fits their needs best. What is best for your family or your dd may be different. Does she want to quit, or does she just want a little respite from the new, and perhaps unexpected, pressures of college life? Since she is fairly close, could you arrange for you and dh to go visit her for a while? It might be helpful to do things that emphasize her changing role in the family and highlight the good experiences she is having. Maybe have her show you around and share her favorite new places with you.

 

Now, a week before leaving, my dd is adamant that she does not want to see dh and I for at least a month (she is a first born, rule follower;) ). It will be interesting to me to see whether she still feels that way after couple of weeks. Dh works on campus, so she could pop in for a brief visit anytime during working hours, but I think she will avoid that. She has mentioned wanting to perhaps come back for a Sunday afternoon to help with a youth organization we work with, when it starts up again in the fall.

 

If she felt the need to return home frequently, I would strongly suggest she move out of the dorm and become a commuter. However, her role in our family would then be that of an adult living with us whose "job" is school, rather than that of a dependent child, with few responsibilities. It is perfectly okay with me if she needs to mature a little slower than the next person, but it is not okay with me if she doesn't want to mature at all.

 

[Twigs]

… I went to a suitcase college …

Could you please explain what a "suitcase college" is? I've never heard that term before. Thanks.

[Daria]

Could you please explain what a "suitcase college" is? I've never heard that term before. Thanks.

It's a college in or close to a big residential area/city where large numbers of students live on campus but go home every weekend.

[Bluegoat]

I think that would be fine, especially if it is convienient for everyone.  It isn't like there is only one way to do things.  The main thing is that she has time to get involved with people there and isn't meeting all her social needs at home.

 

I was close enough to home when I was living in residence to pop in easily, and I don't think I ever tried to avoid it - but as I knew more people I had less desire to, naturally.  THough there was a lot less contact for students with home in those days, people often spoke to parents only once a week.

[Janeway]

Has anyone encountered this? DD18 has been at school less than a week. She moved in last Sunday. Classes started yesterday. She's missing home so much she's already wanting to plan when she can come home for a weekend. She wanted to do it next Friday but DH said during a parent meeting they encouraged parents to encourage students to stay on campus at least a month to help with the transition. I don't know what to say to her. DH and I think Labor Day weekend is a good time to come home because we can pick her up Friday and take her back on Monday. That is almost a full month at school and it's a holiday weekend when it seems it's a good time for students to go home for a weekend. Is that too soon? I hate seeing her feeling so badly. It's just such a BIG change for her.

Just let her come home. A college administrator cannot blanketly actually know what every single student at the school needs, and even more than the parents know. Your child wants to come home. Let her know she is always welcome and let her come home. When she returns to college at the end of the weekend, she will feel safe and her love cup will be refilled because she knows she always still has her home. Just let her come home.

[RootAnn]

I think Labor Day weekend is a great time for her to visit home, but I'd be open to letting her come home earlier if she needed to. Those first few weeks are scary.

 

I went to college only an hour from home and didn't go back home much at all during the school year except holiday breaks. I was definitely happier with my freedom at college - where even though I didn't have a car, I could go places easily. I could also decide to hang out in my dorm room without anyone bugging me. My oldest brother congratulated me after only a week at college because I'd stuck it out longer than his first college girlfriend - who had lasted only three days before switching to a college she could attend while living at home. I obviously didn't like home as much as that girlfriend had. 

[Daria]

Can you visit her instead of bringing her home? I guess that would work if she misses you, not so much if she misses privacy or something like that.

 

I would go with your gut, you know her way better than the college does.

 

Finally, I will say that for my kid I would say "I trust you to make this decision. If you need to come home next weekend, I will come and get you if you ask. But I think you should wait until Wednesday to decide. You'll have more information to know what you need."

[Twigs]

It's a college in or close to a big residential area/city where large numbers of students live on campus but go home every weekend.

Thanks. I love learning something new everyday!

[JanetC]

You have to do what you feel is best, and "almost a month" seems close enough to me if you don't think it will set her back on transitioning. I do recommend learning about college transition so you can be helpful.

 

Here are a couple videos to get you started:

They're both by the same person so some overlap, but the included slides can help you skip around.

 

http://guidedpath.net/now-available-presentation-college-plannings-missing-piece-how-to-use-transition-to-guide-college-search-selection/

 

http://guidedpath.net/now-available-17-things-high-school-grads-need-to-do-the-summer-before-college/

 

[Night Elf]

She is 1.5 hours away so not horrible. She doesn't drive so she has no car and relies on us to get her to and from school, and we really don't mind. DH has no problem leaving work a few hours early on Friday afternoon so they are home by dinner time. I did tell her she could come home anytime but that I thought she should stay for a few weeks because she doesn't know what will happen on the weekends. Some of her dorm neighbors get together for cards or to go eat but I think she's spending more time alone than I think is good for her. She likes to be alone, but quickly feels lonely and bored. She wants to make friends quickly too so I told her she needs to find out what they all do on the weekends. Her roommate lives about the same distance as my dd, so I imagine she'll be going home sometimes too. Also, she's got a car so she doesn't rely on her parents.

 

Dd is doing fine with her roommate so far. When they decided last Spring to become roommates, they had things in common. Now the biggest problem is that dd's sleep schedule has changed. Both of them liked staying up late,  but now dd likes to go to be early. Her roommate says it's fine but I'm worried it will become a problem. Dd feels really badly about it. She doesn't want to be a nuisance.

 

She doesn't want to quit. She's just having a hard time adjusting to the campus which is huge. Even taking buses, she has to walk uphill to some of her classes and she's woefully out of shape. She was exhausted yesterday after her first day. I told her not to stress out though because Thursdays are her busiest days and it figures the first day of school was a Thursday.

 

I've never had a child go away to college. She's my youngest. My son lives at home and my oldest dd, not in college, moved out a couple of years ago but is really close and I see her every week. This college stuff isn't an easy transition for me either, but I'm getting better with each day.

 

Sorry for the long post. :)

[bettyandbob]

Only you can really judge your dd. You have to go with your gut on what she needs. Here's the hard part: you have to separate you wanting to see her from what you think she needs.

 

At some schools the only way to get really involved and get to know people (thus finding your "tribe") is to stay.

 

My dd hasn't left yet. I do expect her to have a hard time. She is an introvert and does not have high self esteem. Here are some things we are doing that I think will help. We have researched all the campus clubs online and picked a few for her to check out. She has suggested she wants a fitness pass to take fitness and dance classes. She can use the campus fitness centers free, but like health clubs they have classes that are not free. I'm glad she suggested it. She's frugal so she will feel compelled to use it. Her doing that will accomplish her getting out of her room and getting exercise at the same time. Her aunt and I are going to the home opener football game. Due to.my work that is the only game I can attend, but it's two weeks after drop off so I can bring anything she forgot and have a short touch base. I don't like football so much, but there is a huge atmosphere at this schools games it will be for dd to see it.

 

Dd is not taking a lot of stuff. All her in room entertainment will be on her laptop. I think this will help her get out of her room to take part in dorm activities, but it also helps not clutter the room. Room clutter can be a problem for some people who need the dorm room to be their space to rejuvenate.

 

Dds roommate live less than ten miles from campus. She has told dd she will leave every weekend. This could be good and bad for dd. Good because she will have alone time/space. Bad because roommates sometimes help each other get out and try stuff.

 

Dd knows if she wants to come home she has to find her own transportation. We just can't take off work. She is going to school 4.5 hours away. It is a large school and it would not be hard to find someone driving our direction anytime.

 

Anyway good luck figuring out the balance of what to do.

Edited August 12, 2016 by Diana P.

[Pawz4me]

You know your DD. She knows herself. The administrator is giving generic, one-size-fits-all advice. You know, the kind that usually doesn't fit any one individual well at all. ;) Listen to your mama instincts and let DD listen to hers.

[TranquilMind]

Has anyone encountered this? DD18 has been at school less than a week. She moved in last Sunday. Classes started yesterday. She's missing home so much she's already wanting to plan when she can come home for a weekend. She wanted to do it next Friday but DH said during a parent meeting they encouraged parents to encourage students to stay on campus at least a month to help with the transition. I don't know what to say to her. DH and I think Labor Day weekend is a good time to come home because we can pick her up Friday and take her back on Monday. That is almost a full month at school and it's a holiday weekend when it seems it's a good time for students to go home for a weekend. Is that too soon? I hate seeing her feeling so badly. It's just such a BIG change for her.

 

This is SO normal and I'm doing this too right now, just like you.   Just encourage her and stay positive about how well things are going to go so soon.   I actually give mine some steps to take because this one is really quiet and is looking around seeing how all the super outgoing ones have made friends - and is not seeing the quiet ones who don't make themselves noticed as much.   Just find someone else and talk to several people a day, every day  It can be short statements, like "That reading was pretty long -did it take you awhile?"  "Are you going to play Ultimate Frisbee (or that play, or that poetry slam, or whatever) tonight?" Anything at all will open a conversation.  Anyone who is also looking for someone to talk to will continue the conversation and the body language will show that. If not, just move on. 

 

Anyway, it may be starting to work as I am getting fewer texts and I got dozens the first few days including the "I'm lonely, mom and I miss you guys so much" text. 

 

I guess I will know soon, but we will be picking ours up on that weekend as well.   My mom gut tells me things are ok, but challenging.  You have to judge that one too, of course. 

 

 She should stay for the month if possible.

 

Edited August 12, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Wheres Toto]

It's a college in or close to a big residential area/city where large numbers of students live on campus but go home every weekend.

 

Huh, I had never heard that before but that's a pretty good description of where my oldest went.   Urban area state university with a lot of commuter students but most of those on campus could go home on weekends.

 

Dd's first semester of college she came home every few weeks (I had to go get her or I bet it would have been more).  Her second semester it was about once a month.  Once she had her car on campus starting her sophomore year, she came home a couple times a month but often just for dinner or a quick stop in.  It basically decreased each year until the past two years she barely came home at all and almost never overnight.  Just Christmas break and Summer.

 

I think it's perfectly normal and I think being able to take a break from roommates and crowds helped my dd get used to on campus life without hitting the point of being overwhelmed completely.

[Tenaj]

I think it's perfectly normal and I think being able to take a break from roommates and crowds helped my dd get used to on campus life without hitting the point of being overwhelmed completely.

 

This!  I went to a college two hours from my home.  I didn't hate it, but that first quarter was uncomfortable for me because I was an introvert and it was just overwhelming to have to socialize so much on a constant basis.  My parents were able and willing to help me get home on the weekends.  I think I went home every weekend for a while and then gradually didn't need that as I became more comfortable.  That transition was important for me!  I was able to see my "home" friends on the weekends and then have the strength or confidence so pursue newer friendships during the week.  By my senior year I don't think I went home except at the major holidays and then for abbreviated visits because I had other plans.  It all worked out.  Not sure I would have lasted that first quarter though without those early breaks.

[Tenaj]

dp 

 

Edited August 12, 2016 by JanOH

[GoodGrief]

I think it would be fine for her to come home, or for you to go and visit. The risk is that you may feel super stressed out if she is feeling very sad/lonely.

[TechWife]

It's a college in or close to a big residential area/city where large numbers of students live on campus but go home every weekend.

Mine wasn't near a large city, it was rural. But yes to the going home every weekend. Most students lived within a two hour travel radius. Those who lived further out often went home with friends, went camping or on other short getaways.

[katilac]

I don't think it's too soon at all. We just left dd today, and we will be up to visit her for Labor Day - the only reason she won't be home then or before then is because she's too far away, lol. 

 

If it's not a big deal to get her home and back, I wouldn't fuss about waiting till then, either. They do need to commit to finding a place at school, but it doesn't need to happen all at once. 

 

Did her school have lots of stuff planned for the interval between move-in day and classes? dd's school does, and I'm hoping hard that it helps to pass the time in a positive way so she doesn't get too lonely. If they move in and then just around for school to start, that really gives homesickness a chance to set in. 

[teachermom2834]

My ds is very independent and itching to get away to college and has been away from us and in dorm situations for a week at a time and not been homesick.

 

He doesn't go until this coming Friday but has already requested that we come over Labor Day if the school hasn't anything going on because he thinks he will get lonely. Also looking forward to fall break in October and wants us to come for Parents Weekend mid September. I think it is fine to have to take some time to make the transition.

[FaithManor]

So far we haven't had this. But friends did. Their daughter was pretty homesick within a week, but they also felt that she needed to stay on campus long enough to acclimate. It was easy for them though because she was 7 hours away, in the upper peninsula without a car. She couldn't come home unless they did the driving each way on a long weekend to get her back and forth. They could legitimately say that they couldn't work that our with their employer's schedules. After about six weeks, she was fine. LOL, now she can't wait to get back to campus.

 

I am going to go to Parent's Weekend in October for DS and expect that this will be the first that we see of each other.

[Night Elf]

She really wants to come home this weekend so we'll go get her. I don't want her to feel she can't come back to her safe spot. She's having a little friction with her roommate too. Nothing bad, but enough that she wants a couple of days without her.

 

Thanks everyone.

[katilac]

I would absolutely do the same! 

 

Have a great family weekend. 

[J-rap]

I think the long Labor Day weekend would be a great time for her to come home!  I would never tell my child they couldn't come home on a weekend or break.  I think it's fine.  :)