Denisemomof4 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 I can't help but wonder if Xena ever even read the PM. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Or if she read it and said, hey Husband, I got this weird message from Bolt. I wonder what she is talking about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) If Zan blocked you, then you wouldn't be able to see Xena's content at all. My guess is he has her password and he deleted the message before she saw it. Eta: sorry, the names are confusing me. :lol: If the husband blocked you on the wife's account, then no you wouldn't see her content at all. Edited August 14, 2016 by heatherwith3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 IMO, Zarah is no friend at all. What she did to you is complete crap. YOU deserve better. I still think the wife deserves to know. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Do you have any mutual friends of Xena? If so, can you ask them for her phone number? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 She might be hesitating to respond because she can tell that there is going to be something unpleasent for her to find out. She might need to gird her loins, so to speak. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 IF the slime does have her password and is fooling around with her facebook page to control her contacts, then I would be a bit more worried about the wife. What else is he controlling? My guess is to keep a long term affair going, money which could be leaving her in a bad place without realizing it, and who knows what else. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 He may have already read your note and deleted it so his wife can't see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 My guess is he read your message and deleted it, then gave Zhara heck about you and now she's going to dump you as a friend because he tells her to. Which, really, is probably for the best as far as your own life goes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 At this point, I would try one more time to contact Xena, seeing as that ball is already in play. I'd probably try another avenue than FB. Then, whether successful or not, I'd draw a firm line under this episode. This is what I'd do as well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I'm thinking I'll wait until she shows up as online on Facebook, and try just then to send a message that could be interpreted as a continuation of the first one, but could be interpreted as a stand-alone. If not that, then *one* attempt through a mutual friend (still via stupid Facebook) before I give up. If she leaves her fb open on a family computer, it could still be him online. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shred Betty Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 As a former counselor: you aren't a counselor, you're a friend. You don't have to provide unconditional judgment and support, and even a good counsellor will find a way to call people on their bad behavior. Loving and supporting someone does not mean agreeing with everything they do; on the contrary the most loving thing you can do is call people on their behavior.Exactly! And calling her on their behavior doesn't mean you have to judge her or ditch her. I was gonna say: there is a something in the bible that addresses this, so go there and read up and pray and you may get some feelings of clarity/direction. The bit about removing the log from your own eye before pointing out the splinter in your friends' eye comes to mind but isn't quite Right... I think there are proverbs about guiding / speaking truth to others who are going wrong versus enabling. Sorry I can't remember exact verses... We all grow in our walk I don't think you should allow confusion about your own feelings - "why didn't I care before?" To cloud the situation. You are not the only representation of what a CHristian IS in her life so you can't carry responsibility for her opinion of Jesus! and in fact by never communicating a moral compass to her aren't you communicating something strong also? That Christians only act moral but when the rubber hits the road anything goes? Praying for you for clarity wisdom and discernment! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) nt Edited August 15, 2016 by OhElizabeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I wouldn't worry, you've done what you are morally required to do. You don't have to hunt her down. Either she agrees to talk to you, or she doesn't, or he's blocking it or whatever. You're going to be out of all this soon, I imagine. If he's the one seeing and responding, then no doubt he's told your friend, and she's going to drop you anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I find it beyond suspicious that she would,keep putting you off when you have told her you have something important to tell her. It is probably her husband controlling her account....and her. So I I would not say another word through FB. I would probably try see her face to face just because I wouldn't want that jerk to get the best of me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Got a reply about having been really busy. Could be her, could be Yan on her account. No way to know. I think that's an odd reply to someone who says they know a secret about your marriage. She may know and isn't that eager to hear confirmation, specifics, etc. Could be the guy too? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 She has company tonight -- her step kids are over. That's Yan's kids from his previous marriage, so clearly there was no spontaneous weekend revelation of it all, and I don't seem to be blocked. Likely she's just had the step kids all weekend. She can't talk now (supper, company) but can chat tomorrow over lunch hour. She's talking just like I want to get back in touch. Maybe she only glanced at the previous message? She isn't acting like she knows there's important information on the table. I'm getting her number for more reliable communication. I'm thinking wait for lunch tomorrow, right? Not just blast it in text when she hasnt even got a moment for a normal conversation? Definitely wait for lunch tomorrow. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 yeah, don't hit her with a text while she has company! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Hope it goes as well as can be expected tomorrw, Bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Is there any chance she might mention to Yan she has plans to meet you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shred Betty Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) I replied earlier, then realized I'd missed some kind of crazy plot twists, so read all posts... I'm mad at myself for taking the time & energy to read it all :( I'm sorry Bolt but yikes .... What a mess. Ok looking ahead. I can't say I do this as much myself as I should, but a word of advice I've learned from other wise heads in my life: Examine yourself. Your actions. Look at where you are, and if you truly regret your position and what you are having to go through, think about things you could have done differently from day one, square one. You can't just say I'm in this mess and had nothing to do with it it's not my fault I'm a victim. Think about red flags you could have seen in character and what you may have done differently. Visualize yourself meeting and helping someone new, and how you react when they start to show the red flags you came up with in the above step. Like for instance identify boundaries and visualize yourself enforcing them. Myself I actually say things out loud in private. Both what I plan to say and what I should have said :) Learning and changing is really hard I'm working on certain areas myself like discipline, habits, thoroughness, and cleanliness. and it takes some deliberate thinking to get anywhere. At least for me! Edit: and if you can't honestly say you regret your position and what they are putting you through, ignore all of the above and good luck :) Edited August 16, 2016 by Shred Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Thanks. I think I'll take time for 'planning for next time' and examining myself in a little while. Right now I'm mostly concerned that I'm about to tell a fellow human being some truly life shattering news. She confirmed a place and time to meet for lunch (her lunch break from work) and I set up childcare so I can go alone. Everything hits the fan in 1.5 hours. (God help us all!) Bolt, thinking of you right now. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: In my book, just so you know, you are a hero because many people wouldn't get involved, and yet it sounds like this woman is being manipulated by a very bad individual.not.a.good.thing. Whatever her decision, at least she knows and can make an informed choice instead of being at the disadvantage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I like the wording. I think I'd sit down, make a tiny amount of chit chat, and then drop the bombshell after the drink order before the lunch order. This way if she doesn't want to stay or doesn't feel like eating, so be it. You can sit with her and consume the coffee or tea or whatever, and see if she is okay to drive home, or she can make a run for it. I would want her to be seated, and maybe have some water in front of her though. I would also bring a bunch of tissues with me, and if given a choice of where to sit, find a booth out of the way if possible so she can feel like the whole place isn't staring at her if she starts to cry. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I'm thinking to say: "I don't know if you know that I was good friends w your husband in high school. I was also good friends with one of his girlfriends at the time. I'm still in touch with her. So that how I know that the two of them have been having an affair since at least 2013, because she's been talking about it since then. Which is horrible. I connected the dots when I looked at your Facebook page, and I realized that the right thing to do was to tell you." Should I blurt it out sometime before she orders -- in case she wants to leave immediately? Or should I make an attempt at small talk? At least until we sit down? I like the wording. And you rock Bolt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Fwiw the wording sounds good to me, good luck to you, I think this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it easy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Thinking of you this afternoon....and her, too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 This has been going on 3 years? That's shocking. How awful. I'm so thankful she'll know soon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 Got Kleenex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 My stomach is hurting for you. You're doing the right thing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 And then I'll follow up with the story about the phone call (so she doesn't get any more surprises)... And see what happens? Yes, that sounds right. And really Bolt, there just isn't any one right way to do this kind of thing. Good grief. Its awful. Sigh...and people can react so differently. I mean there always really bad ways to approach something like this. But honestly, there isn't any good way to do this either so I think that what you have planned is tasteful, as protective as you can be of her, and shows a lot of forethought. You can't be faulted for that at all! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Good luck, bolt! You're a good friend! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Just be prepared that you are also the unfortunate human that is right there and handy for a meltdown if she has one. That might mean she gets pretty unkind with you. Try not to take that personally. Its so much to process, so painful. She may lash out, but its lashing out just to get out some extreme adrenaline and rush of emotions, not that she blames you in any crazy way. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Thinking of you. Being the messenger us a tough place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Just be prepared that you are also the unfortunate human that is right there and handy for a meltdown if she has one. That might mean she gets pretty unkind with you. Try not to take that personally. Its so much to process, so painful. She may lash out, but its lashing out just to get out some extreme adrenaline and rush of emotions, not that she blames you in any crazy way. Oh yes. Sometimes there is a shoot the messenger mentality. It passes. Either way, it's the right thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I've been reading along, but not posting. I just wanted to send more good thoughts for you today. You're doing a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Deleted Edited August 18, 2016 by bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 oh lord, Bolt. As soon as this is done, go read the book Boundaries, lol! No, don't offer her money! For all you know she's crazier than the rest of them! You haven't talked to her in years!!! Tell the truth, be honest, and don't do more than that. Do NOT get in the middle more than you are. Just say "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!!!! "Not my circus, not my monkeys". She is a grown woman with access to the internet. How to hire a PI, an attorney, etc is all out there for her to look up if need be. Please, stay out of it. You are a good person, which is why you are getting drawn in, but you can't fix a crazy situation. You can only avoid crazy people. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Yep, I'm prepared for lashing out, if that's what happens. What if she wants me to do things (that other people would recognize as stupid, but I might think 'hey, anything to help her!') like maybe she would want to see my messages from Zarah, or have me phone Yan in front of her, or prove my sincerity in some way... What sorts of things should I think twice about? I *could* offer her money... I frequently give money to friends in need. I don't think I should though? :grouphug: :grouphug: I am sure your mind is racing with all the possibilities. But why would you offer her money? That makes no sense to me. I think it could even come off as insulting, as if you were trying to buy her off? I would try to answer her questions calmly but also avoid getting between her and her husband. You can be there for her as a shoulder, venting place, whatever, but not as a go-between with her husband. You are probably in the midst of the meeting right now. Praying for you and her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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