Ohio12 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Thanks to all who responded. I appreciated all your comments and stories, but wanted to address one aspect a little further. Many said that their DH does not care if they gain weight or dress a little frumpy. Do you agree with that? I do think that men really appreciate us keeping the house nice, doing a good job with the kids and being good cooks. But I also think they care whether we are frumpy or not. What do you think ladies... is it a combination? Which do they care more about? And do you really buy it when they say they don't care if we dress frumpy or gain a bunch of weight? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herbalgirl Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 I think most of the guys care about our looks, but probably not nearly to the extent that we think they do! :) There are some guys that want the "trophy wife", but I don't think most of them are like that. I really do think most care for a combo, but heavier on the "good simple meals, wife sane, house liveable, doing a decent job with the kids,etc". :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 I just read your post to dh to see what he would say. First he took the concerned approach, "Well, if you gained a lot of weight and started looking frumpy, I'd be concerned because that's not the way you are." I pushed and said what if I was just wearning ugly baggy jeans and sweatshirts and gained weight and just didn't care. He admitted that this would not make him overly happy. He and I have had this discussion lately, lol, but because of him, not me. He's got all these ugly stained shirts that he's been wearing to work around the house. Now, he's got plenty of nice-looking shirts, but inevitably he puts an ugly shirt on every weekend "just in case" he does some type of messy work. Frankly, I'd rather see him looking nicer than that. Stains and holes are just not my thing...and it's worse when we go to Home Depot or Wegmans...he just looks sloppy....bleh. We've finally compromised. I won't throw the ugly shirts away, but he won't wear them unless he's actually doing something really messy. Instead, I gave him a bunch of clean, new t-shirts and told him that they are okay to wear, even if it's a messy job. At least he looks better in them. Today he's making beer. He's in one of the t-shirts. Looks good. :D Tee hee. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Dh does not allow me enough money to keep up with clothing. I went so long without a haircut that when I called to make an appointment my hairdresser laughed at me.:tongue_smilie: So, if he does not want me to wear clothing with stains and he wants me to have nice hair he really needs to provide a wife-maintenance budget. But, I do the best I can with what I have. I think if I do the best I can and have a good attitude about the blessings I do have and a really good attitude about dh (if you know what I mean) then he is happy with me. But I wouldn't mind a wife-maintenance budget someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 He and I have had this discussion lately, lol, but because of him, not me. He's got all these ugly stained shirts that he's been wearing to work around the house. Now, he's got plenty of nice-looking shirts, but inevitably he puts an ugly shirt on every weekend "just in case" he does some type of messy work. Frankly, I'd rather see him looking nicer than that. Stains and holes are just not my thing...and it's worse when we go to Home Depot or Wegmans...he just looks sloppy....bleh. We've finally compromised. I won't throw the ugly shirts away, but he won't wear them unless he's actually doing something really messy. Instead, I gave him a bunch of clean, new t-shirts and told him that they are okay to wear, even if it's a messy job. At least he looks better in them. Hmm. Are our dh's related? Mine wears his nice tshirts to bed and if I'm not watching, will wear the stretched neck ones out. *shakes head* Mine doesn't mind if I'm going through a frumpy phase. It bothers me long before it would bother him. I suspect he sees an ideal image of me, rather than my actual physical self, and I'm ok with that! Nicely, while he doesn't really notice frumpy, he does notice if I'm dressed up and have changed my earrings. Anyway, a podgy guy who gets around in stained grey trackies with failing elastic at the waist can't really complain too much! Of course he can look spunky if he wants to... :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Dh met me not caring about the way I look (and he's the same). If he met me when I cared and then I "let myself go" it would be different. If anything, I think I do better now. He agrees. I've asked him this question. He says he does care if the house looked nicer than it does (it doesn't, it's a real mess most of the time) and he says his standards are really low (when it comes to houses). He says he married a naturally good-looking woman that could look good even when looking "frumpy" -- thanks, dh! :) Now.. I don't think he would like it if I gained more weight, I'm the skinny one of our couple. He's not fat, but somewhat overweight. He says he would not care because then we would be even, but I don't think so :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa B Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Dh met me not caring about the way I look (and he's the same). If he met me when I cared and then I "let myself go" it would be different. This would be us as well. And dh has always known that if he wants a good meal he is going to have to cook it himself. He usually cooks two nights a week - and makes sure to have at least two nights of his own leftovers. :D He doesn't care about the house, so long as he has clear paths to walk from room to room and clean work clothes. The kids and I do try and do a bit more than that. He says he doesn't care about weight, except in the fact that being overweight leads to health issues and I believe he is sincere in saying that. There are other things that are important to him - luckily nice clothes, good food and a clean house are quite low on his list!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 It depends on the guy but mine cares. Not in a bad way at all but I know it is important to him and he is supportive of my efforts to get in better shape ,yet realistic about the fact that a body is just not the same after babies have been born. Same with my dh. Look at that post we had where someone had blogged about the hot, young hunk who was building her fence. Wouldn't it be even better if we looked at our dh's like that everyday? I love PariSara's blog posts about her hubby - not because I want to look at him that way but because it's nice to see a spouse appreciating and enjoying the way her partner looks. You know what? I want my dh to look at me the way that we looked at that fence building guy. And I know that he isn't attracted to tummy rolls. Sorry, but I don't think there are many men who think, "Wow, I love the way your tummy falls right over the top of your jeans - I have to have you right NOW!" We've been married a long time and we love each other unconditionally. However, I also want the total physical attraction aspect, too. And it's not going to happen with a tummy roll or back fat - sorry, it's just not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Mine cares. I honestly think most men care more than they will admit because when they do admit things like "yes -- you could stand to lose a few pounds" or "yes, it would be nice if you wore something besides sloppy pj's all day long" we get all sensitive and cry "conditional love" -- if you loved me it wouldn't matter. My husband is also equally devoted to making sure that I like the way he looks. He will wear light jeans and a certain shirt if he knows I like it. He often asks me what I want him to wear when we go out. He has NEVER had a weight issue, but I can be truthful in saying I would find him much less attractive if he were overweight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Likes others have said, I think he would care more if it were a sudden change. Our 16th anniversary is next week, my dh and I both in our 40's so my answers reflects that. I've never been skinny and he knows I'd be happy if I lost more weight, but he never says anything about it affecting him. My self-worth is not tied to my weight like it was when I was in my 20's. My dh is in construction and he wears the same thing every day. We also live in a hot climate so we hardly have to change wardrobes each year. He likes to look clean, no holes, etc, but he's not the king of style. He does however look better without a shirt than the "fence dude" mentioned in the other posts. :D:D Sorry, I'm the only one with photos of my hunky carpenter. It's a balance for us. I think he'd be more offended if I ran off at dinner time to exercise than fix something to eat. "Acts of service" and "quality time" are ways he sees love and that is "hot" to him. Granted he does not work around other women and if he did I might feel a little more competitive in the dressing dept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Dh does not allow me enough money to keep up with clothing. I went so long without a haircut that when I called to make an appointment my hairdresser laughed at me.:tongue_smilie: So, if he does not want me to wear clothing with stains and he wants me to have nice hair he really needs to provide a wife-maintenance budget. But, I do the best I can with what I have. I think if I do the best I can and have a good attitude about the blessings I do have and a really good attitude about dh (if you know what I mean) then he is happy with me. But I wouldn't mind a wife-maintenance budget someday. :iagree: What she said..... haircut.... i need one of those.... badly...... And hte last new t-shirt i bought was $3 at WM - i wore it hte other day and my DD commented on it was nice. Gee, i really need a new wardrobe (after i lose some weight again)...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Yes, my DH cares. He appreciates the work I put into looking nice and likes me to look good. Now, I do have "sweats" days but they are rare. I spent a loooong time depressed and not caring how I looked. Looking back on pics, whew! Now I have scheduled hair cuts and I actually style my hair. I get dressed and put an effort into how I look. I am certainly no Miss Maybelline but taking a few minutes to put myself together is worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thanks to all who responded. I appreciated all your comments and stories, but wanted to address one aspect a little further. Many said that their DH does not care if they gain weight or dress a little frumpy. Do you agree with that? I do think that men really appreciate us keeping the house nice, doing a good job with the kids and being good cooks. But I also think they care whether we are frumpy or not. What do you think ladies... is it a combination? Which do they care more about? And do you really buy it when they say they don't care if we dress frumpy or gain a bunch of weight? I would believe what my spouse says. In this case, he DOES care how I dress, how much I weigh, etc. (When I grew to a size 6, he encouraged me to lose weight and work out more.) It's part of our value system. I also care how he dresses, and encourage him to lose the extra weight. It would be a shame to not be honest with our feelings regarding how we want our spouses to be on the outside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Dear Loved One stopped me from going out the door the other afternoon to pick up son #2 from the high school bus run. He said, "You look just like your mother." Well, I quickly turned around, put on some jeans, pulled off the over sized sweater and put on some real shoes. That pastel purple pants suit look of my mother's seemed to be looming a bit too close for comfort. My Dear Loved One cares. I am sure my teenage son, who spends more time looking in the mirror than I do, cares about how I dress. I care about how I dress too. I shop second hand. I do dress nice when I go to town. I get some great finds. But here I sit dressed in my over sized sweater and an ugly wool hat, knowing that Dear One wouldn't look twice if he saw me on the street looking the way I do now. He loves me. What else could it be that keeps him here with me dressed the way I am? When I was younger I certainly enjoyed the attention I received just walking down the street, and I kind of miss it now that I'm older. I kind'a feel invisible. Wildiris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle T Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Probably a lot won't admit it, because they aren't dumb enough to say "sure, honey, I wish you weren't fat and frumpy" and they know that they are likely to "get in trouble" no matter how they phrase it. My DH would never come out and say I need to lose weight (I do, about 20 lbs) or that I'm frumpy (I'm not). But of course it's important to him. He's a personal trainer as a part time job, he is in great shape, better condition than when we got married 19 years ago, and looks fantastic. He exercises like crazy, eats healthy, positive outlook. I want to look good and lose weight because I figure I should return the favor! I make an effort to look good when he gets home from work. Nothing fancy, I just make sure my hair is decent, blot oily shine off my nose, a touch of lipstick. I certainly don't wear fancy nightgowns, but do wear reasonably cute, attractive cotton gowns, usually from Target or similar. I never wear sweats or sloppy clothes, but decent jeans, nice t-shirt, usually Crocs. I wouldn't say I'm "hot", but I try to look as good as I can, without feeling a need to go overboard. Michelle T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle T Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Likes others have said, I think he would care more if it were a sudden change. Our 16th anniversary is next week, my dh and I both in our 40's so my answers reflects that. I've never been skinny and he knows I'd be happy if I lost more weight, but he never says anything about it affecting him. My self-worth is not tied to my weight like it was when I was in my 20's. My dh is in construction and he wears the same thing every day. We also live in a hot climate so we hardly have to change wardrobes each year. He likes to look clean, no holes, etc, but he's not the king of style. He does however look better without a shirt than the "fence dude" mentioned in the other posts. :D:D Sorry, I'm the only one with photos of my hunky carpenter. It's a balance for us. I think he'd be more offended if I ran off at dinner time to exercise than fix something to eat. "Acts of service" and "quality time" are ways he sees love and that is "hot" to him. Granted he does not work around other women and if he did I might feel a little more competitive in the dressing dept. Our 19th anniversary is this coming Tuesday. Happy anniversary to you! Michelle T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I asked my Dh. Here's his direct quote. "Hon, I just want you to be happy with the way you look. Long as you are happy with yourself, I'm getting some. So cool. I could care less if you are overweight or not." LOL. Sounds just like him. He prefers the natural look (no makeup, long hair) and I imagine he appreciates that I don't smell bad. I feel about the same about him, only I don't prefer long hair. We are best friends. Looks have never been that big in the equation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pammy Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I don't think it should matter what our physical appearance is to others. Some people have medical conditions that make them less attractive by the world standards. Some have genetic mutations or missing limbs. Some have had accidents that have greatly scarred their skin. Some are overweight because they have emotional distress and use food as a drug, or they have had surgeries that have altered their natural digestive process. So, all that to say, if I lost all my hair and gained 50 or so lbs, I really don't think it should matter to dh or to others. I am responsible for my own health and I don't really care what others feel. So there, can you tell I am in a bad mood tonight? Where is that bag of Hersheys?!:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Dh "cares", but he also believes in all that "for better or for worse" stuff, so he's never said a mean thing to me when I've put on weight or haven't looked well. He does, however, praise me to the skies when I take the weight off and dress nicely. That's about as it should be, I guess. He also knows that the better I feel about "me", the better I feel about us....and that translates to much more fun for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Dh cares but I care more than he does. He cares more if I am grouchy because I feel so lax. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 (edited) That may or may not be true--I'm married to one that doesn't care. Really. He watched his mom and dad (who truly loved each other) through all the years, and his mom isn't what would be considered good-looking on the outside, but on the inside, she's pure "hottie"! She bore seven sons for her dh, and raised them all with a sweet spirit beyond compare. Perhaps my dh was just raised with placing a very low value on externals, but what he says about me (and I believe him, he's not the type of guy to be subtle!) is that how I look now is a sign of honor. In my body we created 5 babies in 7 years, and I bear all of the signs of having been through both that and the servant years afterwards. My weight, my stretch marks, my wrinkles, and my gray hairs, no matter how distressing to me, don't phase him in the least. Edited October 12, 2008 by Julie in CA typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 my dh cares. just as i wouldn't care for it if he let himself go, started frumping around in sweats all the time, etc. i don't consider myself high maintenance, but my dh encourages me to spend what i like on "wife maintenance" lol :tongue_smilie: if i want a haircut i can get it, or if i need new jeans or undies, i can buy them. there have been times i had to save for such items, but he likes me to have nicer things. i remember a few years ago i went through a "modesty" phase (i.e. denim skirts, lots of jcpenney misses dept. clothing, sensible shoes, etc.) my husband did not care for it...he said i looked like a cross between his kindergarten teacher and his grandmother Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Over the past 9 months I've dropped from a size 10 to a size 6. Dh has ALWAYS said, and I believe him, that he thinks I'm beautiful ALL the time. Now, remember I gave birth the 6 children within 7 years. My weight has been all over the place, but in the past few years, I settled into being between and 8 and 10. Finally I decided that I wanted to drop the extra poundage - not to be more beautiful for my dh, but to feel better about myself, be more confident in bed with dh, be more comfortable at the pool, etc. So, I have. I'm still not quite at my goal, but I'm close and I'm getting there. Now dh says that although he always found me beautiful and that my heart is what he is STILL most deeply attracted to, he now finds me "hot." Whatever it's worth, I LOVE that my husband finds me hot at 42 years of age and after giving birth to his 6 children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Way back when I had extra money to flit away on looking hot, I had the works done. Hair cut, style, colored, new outfit. Dh never noticed. It honest to goodness never registered that I looked different. I had to point it out to him. Oh well, that was a long time ago. In spite of that, I think he cares if I look sloppy or if I put on a lot of weight. I've been putting on some weight the last few years, and I'm having a hard time getting it off. I try to look neat and well kept, but neither one of us are really into clothes and looks. Just clean and neat and groomed. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 That may or may not be true--I'm married to one that doesn't care. Really. He watched his mom and dad (who truly loved each other) through all the years, and his mom isn't what would be considered good-looking on the outside, but on the inside, she's pure "hottie"! She bore seven sons for her dh, and raised them all with a sweet spirit beyond compare. Perhaps my dh was just raised with placing a very low value on externals, but what he says about me (and I believe him, he's not the type of guy to be subtle!) is that how I look now is a sign on honor. In my body we created 5 babies in 7 years, and I bear all of the signs of having been through both that and the servant years afterwards. My weight, my stretch marks, my wrinkles, and my gray hairs, no matter how distressing to me, don't phase him in the least. I like what you said. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I suspect mine cares a little, but he is older than me and reached middle aged pot belly stage years ago, so cant relaly say much! He finds me attractive, but I am not overweight, even though I notice the pudge on my hips and my booKs sagging...I will always be the 13 years younger wife so i guess I have that. He likes it when i dress up, and look good, he likes the style of clothes i wear and tells me if he doesnt (very bluntly). I guess I havent become too frumpy so I dont know...but I do feel frumpy sometimes and he doenst seem to notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa B Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I just asked my DH. He said he doesn't care what I wear. He says actually he prefers if I wear nothing. ;) :D This was my husband's reply as well. There are some things that rank high on his priority list. They generally have nothing to do with clothing! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thanks to all who responded. I appreciated all your comments and stories, but wanted to address one aspect a little further. Many said that their DH does not care if they gain weight or dress a little frumpy. Do you agree with that? I do think that men really appreciate us keeping the house nice, doing a good job with the kids and being good cooks. But I also think they care whether we are frumpy or not. What do you think ladies... is it a combination? Which do they care more about? And do you really buy it when they say they don't care if we dress frumpy or gain a bunch of weight? My husband has spent almost 20 years being drawn to a particular woman in our town. I've asked him about his attraction to her, and this is how he describes her: She is not afraid to toss her head back and laugh out loud. When she does, her smile is big and bright. She carries herself gracefully no matter where she is. If you drop by her house unannounced, you may find her wearing a simple t-shirt and sweats with a kitchen full of dirty dishes, but she's still happy to see you. She has a little bit of an idea that he watches her every move, but she's not at all aware of how sexy he thinks she is. Over the years, she's gained weight (not too much) and wrinkles. Her hair has gone from brown to gray, and her tummy sticks out a bit now. But, he doesn't seem to notice, or if he notices, it is with admiration that he does so. She can wear anything at all, and he'll think she looks great. But, when she goes to some trouble to make herself pretty, he'll recognize that and tell her so. He says he finds her eyes captivating. As for me, I look on from the sidelines and marvel at what he sees in this woman. To me, she looks like any other average mid-40's woman who is aging and sagging. I've known her for years, and it's evident that she's gone up at least one size in the past 10 years, maybe two. Why she ever stopped coloring her hair is beyond me. Some days, she looks like she never changed out of her pajamas. And, you should see the state of her kitchen if you happen to catch her unannounced!! Okay, so I can see how, on her good days, someone might find her attractive, but sexy? Puh-lease! In the end, though -- and isn't this the ultimate irony? -- what I sense is that my husband appreciates her for who she is. He loves her heart most. Honestly, and surprisingly to me, that supercedes everything else. In an almost supernatural way, it seems to make her physical changes all the more attractive to him. There's no two ways about it -- he is completely and utterly smitten. All I can say is, she's a fortunate woman to have such an admirer in her midst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I'm not so sure it's accurate to say, "most" men care... That may or may not be true--I'm married to one that doesn't care. Really. Well, I guess I should have said most men I know. I was trying to leave room for the possibility of some men not caring. In truth, every man I have met does admit to caring how his wife looks, and most are also mature enough to admit that virtues and such are more important that extra weight, wrinkles and such. Also, yes, my husband would rather see me with nothing on, and my actual clothes are pretty low on his list of priorities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 :iagree: What she said..... haircut.... i need one of those.... badly...... And hte last new t-shirt i bought was $3 at WM - i wore it hte other day and my DD commented on it was nice. Gee, i really need a new wardrobe (after i lose some weight again)...... Well i got a haircut today. DH saw it - he's BBQ'ing up at the neighbors - and said, "hey, it looks way better now, better than last time too!" (I went to a new person) Gee thanks...... but it was bad.... very very bad...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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