Miss Mousie Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Right now I have an app on my phone called DollarBird. It has categories like "Fuel" and "Dining" all set up and you can add your own. Every time I spend money I just add it on there. It then tells me how much I spent every month and how much I spent in each category. There are also ways to put in income and future spending, etc., but right now I only use it to track my day to day expenses. I also have a 3-ring binder with monthly sheets with all the categories listed. I plan to fill in the amounts weekly to make sure I stay on budget and then anything left over at the end of the month will go to a savings account. That's the plan. I am hoping to stick to it! I think this needs to be switched around. Decide on a minimum amount to go to savings each month - $750? $1000? 35%? Then, every time you get paid, the percentage/amount goes directly into savings. In fact, many people get two direct-deposit pay stubs - one showing the amount that went to savings, and the other showing the amount that went to checking. IIRC, the principle is called "pay yourself first." Only after that money is squirreled away do you decide on how many times to eat out or whether you can afford a pedicure. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) I think this needs to be switched around. Decide on a minimum amount to go to savings each month - $750? $1000? 35%? Then, every time you get paid, the percentage/amount goes directly into savings. In fact, many people get two direct-deposit pay stubs - one showing the amount that went to savings, and the other showing the amount that went to checking. IIRC, the principle is called "pay yourself first." Only after that money is squirreled away do you decide on how many times to eat out or whether you can afford a pedicure. Exactly - this is called reverse budgeting in my circles. Decide your savings rate and remove it to another account, usually vanguard index funds, immediately. Pay all fixed costs for the month, like rent and insurance. Whatever is left over you make work to food and gas budgeting, clothing, and any extras. You can work in line items like travel as well, but savings come first so they are substantial and prioritized. Edited July 26, 2016 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JanetC Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I would certainly require that the 401K contributions be transferred directly to you now and not upon retirement. You have no idea what will happen in that time. Stock market could tank, he could take money out of it in an emergency, etc. It is easier to deal with getting it in your name now than worrying about any possible issue that could arise leaving it unavailable to you later when you need it. Also I'd drop the mediator and have my lawyer directly dealing with his lawyer He could change the beneficiary on the account (401k administrators are not responsible for enforcing divorce decrees). He could die and the info might not be in his will. ANYTHING except the monthly alimony needs to be paid ASAP, because enforcing it later is always iffy. True story of friend's divorce: her attorney negotiated Ex to pay her attorney fees. When Ex refused to pay, attorney sued her for nonpayment. She could not get representation to enforce agreement with Ex because attorneys don't represent people who don't pay their bills! Get the cash now. Any attorney who thinks getting money in 15 years is good enough is not experienced enough in divorce. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereneHome Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that it is completely pointless for you to be making any budget right now until all the dust is settles. You have way way way too much uncertainty. Not only your finances are very dependent on your ex-husband, it seems it is also tied to the future divorce of your sister. What if that never happens and you have to find housing for yourself only? No financial planner, if he is any good, would be able to look at your situation and come up with any kind of plan. If you are worried about your $$$, just start saving as much as you can now, and see where you are after papers are signed and you lived as "single" for awhile. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Some really excellent responses! I knew you gals were smart! Some of the things I am thinking of tweaking: I think I will reduce the vacation fund from $400 to $200. I can't even envision myself going on vacation every year. Like I said, I am such a homebody that I am just as happy being around the house. The $2000 a month that I am putting aside will be put into a 401K or some other type of retirement fund. Right now I am under my STBX's health insurance. I am hoping that will remain, but if it doesn't I will work an amount in. Right now his insurance covers health and dental and I know that if I can no longer continue under his he will be contributing an amount towards my payment. I do have a lot of money budgeted towards "wants". I will be reducing that. Also, the budget, as it stands now, is a bit padded. When I put $30 per month per pedicure I usually only go during the summer months. Once socks go on, feet get ignored! But I wanted to have more budgeted than I think I will need and then I can always just move it over into savings. I do, however, want to identify the most I can put away in savings and put that away first before anything else instead of waiting until the end of the month for any leftover money Right now my STBX's 401K has about 500K in it. Half will be earmarked for me and he will continue to contribute into it. When I retire I will get half of what the balance is at that time. I am hoping that whatever I save can be used towards buying a small condo somewhere for my sister and I to live in with hopefully zero to minimal mortgage. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing that, if I had to, I could live on my own and not end up on the street. So to that end I need to save as much as possible as quickly as possible. Regarding insurance, that's good that you have some. But I would still consider making a spare category for medical (maybe that's what your emergency covers but emergency could be a lot of things) to cover expenses not covered by insurance. My ds just got a tooth cleaning recently and I got a bill for a small amount. Apparently the dental office is out of network (oversight on my part) and that fee may or may not apply to all visits. Just using this as an example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) I also think it's time to have a serious talk with your daughters. Are you paying all their car insurance costs? And all the food costs while they live with you? If I remember correctly, you mentioned they're adults, but in college. If the STBX is refusing to pay any of their costs, you need to be honest with your children. You're carrying far more financial burden than you need to. Perhaps they need to look for ways to economize or they need to speak to their father for additional money. But you should not be paying $350/month for car insurance as a single woman with little income. You should not be spending $900/month on food. My parents' marriage lasted through the kids' college years, but they had many conversations with their children when funds were tight. It's one of the reasons I paid for university myself and worked part-time while in school. I also worked full-time in summers when not taking classes. I know your children are hurting right now, but you need to take care of yourself. You have a limited time to save for retirement. Your financial needs come before their own. Also, please excuse my caps. I'm not yelling, I'm just speaking with emphasis. I am not giving you financial advice, I'm talking to you like I talked to my parent. DO NOT WAIT 15 YEARS TO TAKE THE 401(K) MONEY. Roll over the money into an IRA. Please don't take distributions from it until the early withdrawal penalty period passes. If you have a claim on future contributions to a retirement account, talk to a CFP to see if you can get a direct deposit into your account. Never release direct control of an asset, particularly a sizable one like a 401(k). EVERYTHING SHOULD BE DIVIDED UP IMMEDIATELY. Do not agree to share debt repayment with your spouse. Otherwise, don't be surprised if debt collectors start calling. If it means you trade something for the debt release, do it, within reason. Your STBX has not been honest and reliable for you. Do not expect him to be so for complete strangers. (I know many divorced people continue to be financially reliable after separation; you just don't want to be part of the percentage that isn't). Make sure you understand everything when you get a draft settlement document. Pay a financial adviser who specializes in divorce to walk you through it. They exist; one of my parents used one though not before signing the settlement, to my parent's regret. Edited July 26, 2016 by ErinE 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I would like to know more about the divorce to put this all in context. Was it STBX's idea? Did he wait until now so he could get all his ducks lined up and not have to pay child support while maximizing joint indebtedness? It's starting to smell 'off' to me, the more I hear. He is delaying division of property such that it is entirely in his control for the foreseeable future, and it's not clear that there is anything for you to gain from this, yet somehow he has made the case that there is. This makes no sense to me. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure how an ex-wife can be on his insurance. I worked for a health insurance company. Granted, it was a looooong time ago, but ex-spouses were never allowed on the plan. It was spouse and children only. No grandkids. No ex's. It's just not how it works. The insurance company doesn't allow it. Unless things have changed. I'd be surprised if they did, with my husband's current employee even spouses can't get nsurance on his plan if they have an option to get it elsewhere. Meaning if I worked and my company offered insurance I'm not even eligible to get on his plan. I can only be on his plan if I have no other company plan available (Medicaid doesn't count). Edited July 26, 2016 by cjzimmer1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 In your shoes, I'd make my budget off your income only. Forget any alimony, proceeds from the house, value of 401k. Right now you have no guarantee you will see any of it. Wasn't your husband the one having the affair and wants you to hide it from your kids? If so then he's already proven he is not trustworthy and is only looking out for himself. Don't assume anything he proposes has your best interest at heart. So until everything is finalized live like you will get nothing. Scrimp and save every penny you can. If things turn out well in the divorce and you have plenty of money you can easily add money to your budget, but if he screws you out of more than you deserve, you have some cushion to figure out your life. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
historically accurate Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 In your shoes, I'd make my budget off your income only. Forget any alimony, proceeds from the house, value of 401k. Right now you have no guarantee you will see any of it. Wasn't your husband the one having the affair and wants you to hide it from your kids? If so then he's already proven he is not trustworthy and is only looking out for himself. Don't assume anything he proposes has your best interest at heart. So until everything is finalized live like you will get nothing. Scrimp and save every penny you can. If things turn out well in the divorce and you have plenty of money you can easily add money to your budget, but if he screws you out of more than you deserve, you have some cushion to figure out your life. I agree with this. Can you live off of your salary only, even if it is a barebones budget? If so, if it were me, I would completely live off of my own money at least until the divorce is finalized and I was receiving regular alimony payments (and I knew how long they would last). You might have to scrimp for the time being, but you would know that you don't have to rely on the Ex's payments in order to live. That would be a great position to be in, especially if he flakes out on paying at any point. I think your best bet for the 401k that you are due is to split it and put it in an IRA in your name only - make sure you do a rollover so you don't get hit with early withdrawal taxes and penalties. If you are due future deposits, he can put those into your IRA. When your alimony does start, make sure that you know the tax consequences - you won't want to get hit with a large tax bill. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 I would like to know more about the divorce to put this all in context. Was it STBX's idea? Did he wait until now so he could get all his ducks lined up and not have to pay child support while maximizing joint indebtedness? It's starting to smell 'off' to me, the more I hear. He is delaying division of property such that it is entirely in his control for the foreseeable future, and it's not clear that there is anything for you to gain from this, yet somehow he has made the case that there is. This makes no sense to me. The divorce was his idea. I do not think he waited until now to not pay child support. He is just a huge procrastinator I do not really think "he" is delaying division of property. Like I said, we had a meeting with a mediator who laid out for the both of us some standard settlement details for the state we are in. I don't think there would be any problem with me separating my piece of the 401K once the divorce is final. There are so many details and nuances to a situation that cannot be properly expressed here so it is hard to give a clear enough picture. I was looking to get some input and advice on budgeting issues, which I feel I got. I have some new ideas and avenues to mull over, and some things to bring up with a financial advisor when I go to one. That was really all I was hoping this thread would be about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 OP, there's a woman on the forum, and I know in going to get the username wrong, but I thing it is Nita Gidge? She has spoken in a few posts about the fact that she negotiated a great divorce settlment for herself. Maybe someone else knows who I'm speaking of and can tell you the right user name and you could PM her? I hope she doesn't mind me invoking her name, it's just that this popped into my head after reading another thread that I know cannot find. It just seems like you're dealing with a lot of promises for future security that could easily fall through. Best wishes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I don't think there would be any problem with me separating my piece of the 401K once the divorce is final. Please don't wait until after the divorce is final. The separation of the funds needs to be part of the divorce settlement. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I'm nowhere near as frugal as the folks on Mr. Money Mustache, but reading those forums has really helped me focus on savings and monitoring those discretionary expenses. It's a great website! Oh, yeah, I'm nowhere near where they are, and I don't want to be there either. For example, I'm a big believer in safe cars, and I'm not sure I'd feel too safe driving what I could get for under $5000. I just take inspiration from there and leave behind the parts that are too extreme for me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) Wait, this is the guy who sounded like he manipulated you into agreeing to a divorce you did not want once the kids were of college age (hence beyond lengthy child support obligations), and tried to get you to blame yourself for this, and then indicated rather questionably that the other woman in the picture was only since the separation? And weren't you going to live with one of HIS relatives, because it was supposedly easier for you to move out than for him to do so (hence making your 'living expense' look much lower to the judge, but artificially and unsustainably.)? I think you are right to plan a larger budget than you planned on, and would like to reiterate that I think you should get a better divorce settlement (MUCH better) than the one you seem to be headed for. Also, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Get as much of this in place NOW, while you are still legally married, as possible, because getting it later will be harder and open to repeated negotiations. Edited July 27, 2016 by Carol in Cal. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmaluv+2more Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) I think you need to hold off on the budgeting until you get a very clear picture of what the divorce settlement will be. Unfortunately, I don't think you will end up with nearly what you think you will at this time. I am recently divorced after 15 years of marriage (with 4 small children still at home). I did not take alimony (it was my trading card for full custody), but if I had it would only have been for a few years (and I had been a stay at home mom for 11 years). Most women who have careers and can support themselves do not get alimony for very long. I would highly doubt you will get it for 15 years unless you just have a very generous ex or he has a very cruddy lawyer. You will most likely not be able to stay on his healthcare plan. He could be made to pay your premiums for a limited time, but not indefinitely. The 401k will be split now through what is called a QDRO. This isn't a choice, it is the law. You are only entitled to half of what accumulated during the marriage, and he is likewise entitled to half of yours. Unless you have some serious bargaining chips that would cause him to agree to all of this, I think you will have far less disposable income in the future than you are currently planning. Keep in mind that, even if he agrees to all of these things, a judge might not approve it if it seems too uneven or unfair. You will not get half of his future bonuses. Again, unless he is just that kindhearted or has an awful attorney this will never happen. Good luck with the budgeting. Hopefully everything is nailed down soon so you will have a clearer big picture. Edited July 27, 2016 by emmaluv+2more 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 Wait, this is the guy who sounded like he manipulated you into agreeing to a divorce you did not want once the kids were of college age (hence beyond lengthy child support obligations), and tried to get you to blame yourself for this, and then indicated rather questionably that the other woman in the picture was only since the separation? And weren't you going to live with one of HIS relatives, because it was supposedly easier for you to move out than for him to do so (hence making your 'living expense' look much lower to the judge, but artificially and unsustainably.)? I wouldn't say he manipulated me into a divorce. He initiated the discussion, we went to counseling, and after a few months he still wanted a divorce where as I, at the time, didn't. I see now that us getting divorced is the right thing as neither of us have been able to make each other happy in a long time. Again, I think the fact our kids were of college age was just the timing of it. I don't think he had a master plan all along to wait until they were older. He paid for their expenses when we were living together and he still pays for whatever expenses they need paid for now. He hasn't gotten out of anything there. There was never any discussion of me living with his relative? I moved in with my sister, on my time schedule. And when we first discussed getting a divorce, living with my sister was not an option at that time because my step-father was living in the in-law apartment. I was planning on moving to a condo or apartment. It was only through a series of events and happenstance that the in-law apartment ended up being available to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 I am recently divorced after 15 years of marriage (with 4 small children still at home). I did not take alimony (it was my trading card for full custody), but if I had it would only have been for a few years (and I had been a stay at home mom for 11 years). Most women who have careers and can support themselves do not get alimony for very long. I would highly doubt you will get it for 15 years unless you just have a very generous ex or he has a very cruddy lawyer. The reason I am thinking that I will get alimony until I retire is (a) the mediator already indicated that would probably be the case given the length of our marriage (28 years) and (b) the discrepancy between our salaries. I believe the courts try to make things as equal as possible and have the lifestyle be as close to is was before the marriage was dissolved. He makes around 200K, I make around 40K. The standard formula is they minus my salary from his, and take 30-35% of that for my alimony. So while I "can" support myself, it would be grossly unfair for me to go from a combined salary of almost 250K to 40K. He would be living pretty well and I would be living paycheck to paycheck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JanetC Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 You have way way way too much uncertainty. Not only your finances are very dependent on your ex-husband, it seems it is also tied to the future divorce of your sister. What if that never happens and you have to find housing for yourself only? And right now is your opportunity to be focused like a laser on getting everything you deserve from this divorce settlement. You need hard-headed bottom-line advice from your lawyer and a very clear understanding of the dollars and cents you are getting, when and for how long. What you're entitled to, what is worth fighting hard for, etc. Resist the urge to play nice. You're hearing the gist of things but losing track of the details when we ask about them. This is going to hurt you more in the long run than having a poor budget. Budgets can be adjusted much more easily than divorce settlements. Get through the divorce. Let the lawyer, not you, take the lead in negotiations if you cannot track the details. When you're done with that, work on how to make your settlement last. Make sure you do not agree to anything until you fully understand it. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arnold Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 So while I "can" support myself, it would be grossly unfair for me to go from a combined salary of almost 250K to 40K. He would be living pretty well and I would be living paycheck to paycheck. I've known many people who have had divorce settlements that were "unfair." You need to be able to support yourself independent of your ex and of your sister. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 The reason I am thinking that I will get alimony until I retire is (a) the mediator already indicated that would probably be the case given the length of our marriage (28 years) and (b) the discrepancy between our salaries. I believe the courts try to make things as equal as possible and have the lifestyle be as close to is was before the marriage was dissolved. He makes around 200K, I make around 40K. The standard formula is they minus my salary from his, and take 30-35% of that for my alimony. So while I "can" support myself, it would be grossly unfair for me to go from a combined salary of almost 250K to 40K. He would be living pretty well and I would be living paycheck to paycheck. Make sure everything is in writing and you have a good lawyer. My friend was married for years to her husband. He wouldn't let her work. He makes a lot of money, she left the relationship never having worked at his insistence. She got 2 years of alimony (about $30k total) and then nothing. He's still making almost $200K and she's struggling. I hope this ends up being your settlement - get it in writing and signed off by a judge ASAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 The reason I am thinking that I will get alimony until I retire is (a) the mediator already indicated that would probably be the case given the length of our marriage (28 years) and (b) the discrepancy between our salaries. I believe the courts try to make things as equal as possible and have the lifestyle be as close to is was before the marriage was dissolved. He makes around 200K, I make around 40K. The standard formula is they minus my salary from his, and take 30-35% of that for my alimony. So while I "can" support myself, it would be grossly unfair for me to go from a combined salary of almost 250K to 40K. He would be living pretty well and I would be living paycheck to paycheck. I was married for 20 years and get child support until ds turns 24 (and he must be in school). Let's just say I've been awarded child support, what I've seen in my bank account has been vastly different. Divorce is hardly ever "fair." I've known many people who have had divorce settlements that were "unfair." You need to be able to support yourself independent of your ex and of your sister. :iagree: I also think that is an important emotional step in a divorce, to know that you can get by without relying on them (the ex). I would make sure you have an excellent attorney. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 I hear (and appreciate) all your advice. I will have a lawyer look over everything. I will go at this process thoroughly and thoughtfully. But please, no more horror stories!! I am having such a major panic attack now that this thread has gone this way. My mind is spinning and my stomach is in knots. I work. I can support myself. I have the support of family. I will get some chunk of money from the sale of the house. I will get some chunk of money from the 401K. I am hoping for a fair settlement. When I get all that I will sit down with a financial person and lay out what I need to do so that I will be as financially strong as possible. If you feel the need to comment, please only positive stories or positive thoughts from this point on. Please. My stomach, mind, and sanity cannot take anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenn in FL Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 In the spirit on honoring your request, may I just gently mention that the experience and collective wisdom contained on this boards is seemingly infinite. As a reader albeit very infrequent poster since 1999, I am amazed virtually everyday by something someone posts or links. My youngest is now a senior in college and I simply cannot leave these boards because of all the knowledge that I glean here on a near daily basis. I would venture to guess many other posters feel the same way. In all likelihood, the posters sharing their experiences were merely trying to warn you or someone else in similar situation of pitfalls or issues to be aware of along the way. The time to consult with a financial professional about any major financial shift is BEFORE the change occurs. Forewarned is forearmed. Perhaps someone with something valuable to contribute to this discussion would be willing to start a S/O thread dealing with the financial issues involved in navigating a divorce settlement. That way, you will not have to read information that you do not wish to receive, but much of the valuable and thoughtful advice could still be available to those who are interested. Many of the replies here are spot on! Disclaimer: I am happily married and not even remotely seeking this advice personally, however, I deeply appreciate the wisdom of the collective "Hive!" :thumbup1: 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I apologize that my posts probably caused you to feel stress. I sometimes forget that not everyone thrives on mulling over every detail, even the negative ones. I'm very much what dh calls a negative sorter. Best wishes to you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) I hear (and appreciate) all your advice. I will have a lawyer look over everything. I will go at this process thoroughly and thoughtfully. But please, no more horror stories!! I am having such a major panic attack now that this thread has gone this way. My mind is spinning and my stomach is in knots. I work. I can support myself. I have the support of family. I will get some chunk of money from the sale of the house. I will get some chunk of money from the 401K. I am hoping for a fair settlement. When I get all that I will sit down with a financial person and lay out what I need to do so that I will be as financially strong as possible. If you feel the need to comment, please only positive stories or positive thoughts from this point on. Please. My stomach, mind, and sanity cannot take anymore. The positive thoughts come after everything is settled. Almost all the stories I hear is that things are so much better when all is done. No matter how wrenching the divorce process, people usually say that it was the best move they could have made. And the process, no matter how awful, will be over in a time. Then you have the rest of your life. Since you have a job of your own, you are way, way ahead of many divorcing women. Edited July 27, 2016 by Alessandra 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zinnia Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 My parents divorced after 21 years of marriage. The divorce was heartbreaking and difficult. However, after the dust settled, my mom is in a much better place now (20 years later). Part of what helped was that she had a family friend for a lawyer that was quite aggressive. She never wondered if she had gotten screwed in the divorce. At the very least, that part of it was fair and a bit generous towards her. Having that off the table helped with her emotional healing, and I'm forever grateful for that family friend. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 My sister in law received a solid settlement when her husband wanted a divorce. They had been married 23 years and she had not worked outside the home. The judge was noticeably upset with her husband - he told him that SIL was a very nice person to not ask for more. I don't know all of the details of the settlement, but I do know she ended up with the deed to one of their rental properties and financial help. There are judges that are fair when it comes to the divorce proceedings of a long term marriage. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 Thank you! I knew not every story could be all bad! Seriously, it does help to hear that people survive and are happy again. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I am assuming he will only be paying alimony until I turn 65, not forever. Although I would love that, I don't think that will be happening. Also, I am not sure about the healthcare. When we met with the mediator she said something about if I could not stay under his family plan then I would have to get healthcare and he would have to pay the difference of something -- I am not sure what, there was a lot of information given that meeting. I should be getting a draft of the settlement within a week so that will clarify some things. It is also my understanding that he will keep contributing to the 401K and then I will get half of the total balance in 15 years. I could be wrong but that is how I interpreted what the mediator said. I will be bringing the settlement to my own lawyer for review before signing anything You totally need this tied up in very clear writing by your attorney. What happens if he can't work, dies, remarries? You need to know every single possibility. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I'm so sorry these stories stressed you out OP. With everything on your plate anxiety & worry are truly the last thing you need. But, please try to receive these stories and advice in the spirit they were written. The hive wants the BEST for you. Emotional distress clouds our ability to think logically. I hope you let these posters help you, you must advocate for yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 My mom was a divorce lawyer and also a mediator. One thing I learned was that mediators are not generally tasked with finding a FAIR settlement. They are tasked with finding a settlement agreeable to both parties. Another thing I learned was that if I ever needed a lawyer, I'd hire the best one I could find, period, no matter the cost. You *do* get a better outcome if you have a better attorney. Period. End stop. Personally, no matter how positive the interactions around the divorce, I'd just STRONGLY advise hiring your own, personal attorney to consult with and represent your interests before signing off on anything. So long as things go smoothly, you won't need lots of hours, but you DO need an attorney. And, for SURE, I'd get your 401k money split into your own account immediately. Anything else is just crazy. You need to be able to control the investment, rely on it, and not have it vulnerable to a new wife, new will, judgements, etc. So, go get a great personal attorney, and then carry on. Let the attorney look out for your interests and all these details. (((hugs))) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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