Paying for Young Adult Children (college graduates)

[JanetC]

I don't fully expect either child to be 100% financially independent at the end of undergrad. Art majors are never paid the big bucks right out of school and neither are science grad students,

 

The fact that I may need to send them money after graduation is something I'm keeping in mind when choosing undergrad schools.

[creekland]

Well, it can bring SES down, too.

I had a friend who worked in tech who was the first in the family to go to college.  He had a job as an analyst, so not a hugely lucrative one like senior engineering or management.  Every time he was about to finally be able to put a down payment on a house, some family crisis or another would eat up his capital.  It was pretty enlightening to me to watch this over the years.  In the meantime housing costs locally skyrocketed, and it became harder and harder for a single person to ever buy anything.  We fell out of touch, but the last I knew, he was not able to get any traction.

 

This is why I voted "might" rather than "absolutely" as the situation (ours and theirs) makes a difference.  Like all extended families, there are members in ours who just aren't good with finances.  Oodles of family members have tried for years to help them out - spending thousands - to no avail. Online internet friends (multiple - different times) of theirs have also spent large amounts thinking money would help - or free housing - or similar.  It didn't.

 

Now we might help out in special circumstances, but mainly we give advice (which is rarely heeded).

 

If any of us were independently wealthy, we'd just chalk it up to expenses and keep assisting so they wouldn't need state help or go without, but none of us are.  Such is life.

 

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

 

My thinking has done a 180 on this.

 

I now believe that the best way to secure happiness and safety for my family is through shared housing responsibilities, from cradle to grave, and while I will demand some skin in the game (rent for a college student at below market prices, earnest money with the down payment, whatever) I am now completely determined to make sure that our family all has someplace to live. I'm going to give back to my mom and my kids.

 

I used to be thinking this would be a "no way, do it yourself!" But since I have not seen a single person I have ever met, including doctors, lawyers, and executives, do it 100% themselves, not even ONE person without ANY inheritance or help with college or mortgage (at least one of those two) I have changed my thinking.

 

If I meet anyone who did it 100% on their own, I will let you all know. I used to wonder how the hell this was all working. Now I get it.

 

Dh and I did it 100% on our own. Well, I did it 100% on my own, and then he made it through with my support as his wife. I have an unusual, dramatic story, though: homeless kid with a full, academic scholarship. Yes, I did it 100% on my own, but there were many sacrifices I had to make and opportunities I had to pass up because I had no support system.

 

Dh made it through undergrad and professional school with only support from his working, graduated wife; his dad was a first-gen college grad who felt all his kids were on their own once they turned 18 (building character & crap like that). Dh did it himself, but it was not easy and there was lots of student debt involved. We are doing well now, but the financial impact has limited our choices.

 

I will not do that to my children. That is not what educated, upper-class families do. They understand that you support your kids in ways that help them to be self-sufficient. We will absolutely help our kids with undergrad expenses, grad-school tuition, financial support to do internships that are unpaid or in high-COL areas, down-payments for homes, etc. I wouldn't cosign a home or other loans, but I would absolutely help with any or all expenses during an emergency.

 

It's hard to do it on your own. It comes at a much higher cost than many people realize.

[SKL]

As I read the responses I guiltily admit to myself that I seem to be holding my kids to a higher standard than I hold my parents and siblings to.

 

I want to see my kids independent so they don't have to beg for help or go bankrupt or whatever.  But I guess what I really mean is that I very much want to parent in ways that help them become independent by 21.  I may fail.  If I fail, I am not going to leave them hungry.  Heck, I've spent thousands on my sister's dogs, so obviously I'm going to be a bigger sucker when it comes to my kids.  :P  But I still hope they won't need it.

[SKL]

And honestly, if I hadn't been independent early on, I would have been screwed.  And so would most of my family of origin.  I guess that's why I want it for my kids.  I'm not going to be around forever, and none of our relatives has the ability or inclination to pick up where I'll leave off.

[Lolly]

Always an it depends. We never know what the future holds. For now, ds is working and making a good wage. He has chosen to live at home. (We are two minutes from his work!) We are allowing him the first two months to either save up or splurge on whatever he desires. At the end of the summer, we will start collecting payments from him monthly for his portion of the cell phone, health insurance, and car insurance bills. By the new year, he should be going to company based health insurance. He will pay us an amount comparable to a fairly low rent apartment and utilities. We will set that aside and give it back to him at a later date as money to use for a down payment on a home or whatever. It looks like dd23 will be living several hours away with her job. She is footing all of her own. She will pay us her portion of the cell phone and car insurance bill. At some point, we will sign the car over to her, but right now it is just easier to keep it where it is. I have chipped in some on apartment furniture. That means she and I dug around in the basement and attic and redid some old stuff in storage. She had fun "shopping" in the house for stuff to take with her!

Edited May 23, 2016 by Lolly

[creekland]

I want to see my kids independent so they don't have to beg for help or go bankrupt or whatever. 

 

Mine haven't had to beg or go bankrupt yet and I doubt that will ever happen.

 

It doesn't mean we don't try to help give them solid footing to launch from, and there's no specific age limit to that.

 

The rest is just comfort in knowing there's a family safety net should something happen.

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I picked the "under the right circumstances" for all 3 questions..... If the only way my child could get a house was for me to co-sign/take out the actual mortgage and I thought it was a good deal and I could afford it if they had to move then yes, I would help them out.  For College, we moved to TN to take advantage of the generous scholarships, low tuition, and proximity to campus, so the kids will be living at home (and not paying a dime), but if one of them got a great deal at a distant University and could do it, except for a certain amount of money, and we could afford it?  Yep, we'd pay.  Hopefully though the local University will suffice and they can work to help defray costs. 

[Miss Marple]

I picked "under the right circumstances" for all three.  That would include, for me, the individual child.  DS2 is looking at graduate school.  He doesn't want to take out loans, but he has yet to find a professor he is interested in working with who has research money to pay a grad student.  He has been accepted to an excellent school (Georgia Tech) and, after a visit there with him to find possible housing, I'm of the opinion that it would be a fantastic fit and opportunity for him.  I can see him growing there.  *In this case* we would not hesitate to *help* him with some expenses.  We have the resources and, for me, putting those resources into one of my deserving kids to make their life easier for the short term is a no-brainer.  For me, my kids are my best investment (I've got kids who are appreciative).

 

This son is living at home this semester, is working at a start-up (meaning that he is making money but not what he would if he were in the industry), and he purchases his own clothing, gas, etc.  He also will cook, clean, and run errands without any complaint.  Yes, these would be the right circumstances :)

 

 

[Tita Gidge]

This is a conversation I have found to be more and more common as my children and their friends are moving into adulthood.  The Boomerang generation is creating new pressures for their parents and causing a novel type of financial squeeze. No longer are parents finding themselves with increased disposable income once the final college tuition payment is made. 

 

I'm trying to make a poll about the most common types of expenses the people in my area are discussing:  mortgages, rent, & living expenses.  Student loans are the fourth but I didn't include that in the poll.

 

My culture of origin is strongly interdependent - it's expected, it's encouraged, it's preferred. It looks very different than the standard American model of propelling young adults forward. Two differing interpretations of what "forward" means, I guess.

 

I come from an immigrant family.  The type of financial help questioned is essential for the benefit of the extended family, and to some extent even to the extended (cultural) community. My family is new to the U.S., but my native country has sent immigrants since the late 1800s. Those cultural enclaves survived and thrived due to the financial support systems in place; support systems almost identical to the ones in the poll.

 

I also come from a large family. The elder siblings left school in 8th grade to work and help support the family. The middle and younger kids were expected to study hard, attend college, and join the professional class. As mentioned in other posts, this type of interdependence benefitted the family as a whole. As the younger siblings accumulated wealth and assets, those were shared with the older siblings who had more limited options (due to sacrifices made during our collective childhood).

 

My youngest sister just graduated from college. She's just a few years older than my oldest. She earned a full scholarship and didn't need tuition, but we've sent her monthly checks so she can focus on her studies rather than try to juggle them with work. Because of the culture we were raised in, I don't see this as a hand out and I know she isn't spoiled or lazy. We chipped in to buy her a condo near her college; an investment property we gifted to her upon graduation. Each of us has had the same arrangement, possible because we earned scholarships. (I attended a large university and still rent out the property I was gifted upon college graduation - it's been leverage for a number of homes we've bought since and has always been passive income.)

 

Our culture (family and national) loves a good party, so we all chip in for big weddings (not to be confused with fancy or over the top weddings). Like SKL's family, a lot of the more expensive services we will cover within family or community for free or damn near it -DJ, flowers, cake, photos, sewing dresses, etc. It's also our culture to gift cash, to which the couple may use for a wedding, student loans, new car, house down payment; it's for anything they choose. We're not really "registry" people, cash is the norm.

 

So yes, it is my intention to financially assist my children at any age - because I can and because I want to. I see it as my privilege and my role. I also see it as their privilege and their role to repay that in kind to their siblings, nieces and nephews. And so it can continue on and we can all benefit from a collective interdependence.

 

If my kid were lazy and selfish, all bets off. But that's atypical in my community because of traditional expectations older than America. If I had one of those kids, I'd let him falter and drown - for his own dang good, and definitely for mine. My blood pressure can't take these self-indulgent, whiny kid-adults I read and hear about. I know it can't handle one of my own kids acting that way!

[Liza Q]

I thought about another reason we are helping our children as much as we do. We live in a very high-rent area (we're in Brooklyn and they live in Queens now) and we would like them to stay in the area. We would hate to see them have to move far away from family because they couldn't afford to stay, as housing is more than income here...for the average person, that is.

 

And family money? My husband and were both poor-ish as children and we are now solidly middle -class. Neither of us went to college and we are so happy that we have been able to help our children! We do hope that our children will all be in a better position than we are, just like we have done better than our parents did.

[bettyandbob]

I picked under the right circumstances for everything.

 

Ideally, my older two launch without any missteps, have decent jobs and don't need financial guidance.

 

Ideally, dh and I have retirement figured out. Ideally, dh and I have long-term care, job, housing for our youngest who has disabilities all squared away.

 

In an ideal world, we would help with a down payment on a home. In the ideal world, everything is humming and rent help is not needed.

 

Then there is reality. Our financial situation stinks. We are not in debt, but we don't have any extra. We have been covering college. We don't have any idea what the future will be for youngest.

 

In reality, oldest is 2E. For this 2E young man growing up is just hard to do. We were told when he was 6, he would be 25 before we'd know if he would be OK (doctor did not define OK). So he is taking a long time to launch. I can see all over he is just plain late on basic milestones for adult independence--he's getting some very slowly. He says he will finish his degree next year. It's a liberal arts degree so no obvious career path, but it's just focus on one step at a time for him.

 

Dd is about to start college. She has a clear focus. Her plan requires graduate school and we will do what we can to help with that. We will do what we can for her to start a career, which may mean moving someplace else and getting living expenses help at first. However, I suspect she won't need that. I'm pretty confident she won't need or ask for help.

[Seasider]

I voted but feel like I must say that I considered the "other" option to include creative financing. That left the live at home option off the table.

 

We would allow a recent college grad to live at home for a short period of time with a very clear agreement in place with regard to how long, expectations, contributions, household responsibilities, that sort of thing, in order to pay off student debt and/or for a short time until an already-in-the-works wedding takes place.

 

We may change our minds, certainly, as the economy changes, but we've worked hard to teach and train them towards living independently and hope to be able to see that through. That's an accomplishment that each of them can benefit from, aside from how it affects dh & my financial picture.

[Melissa in Australia]

no, no and no,

 

 But I live in a country that has a great government interest free student loan system, and all my children are eligible for living away form home student allowance. I would not know what we would do if we lived in a country like USA where there was no assistance for rural country students like we have here.

[Joyofsixreboot]

We help some with groceries or small expenses if you are in college. Graduation makes it your party! If my kid was starving or homeless they could come back if it was honestly bad circumstances but not if he/she just didn't want to work. Our oldest lived here during her first year of teaching. It allowed her to save money for security deposit and better used car. She paid all her personal expenses but I didn't charge for food. She usually was working and didn't eat anyway. My 20 yo is home for summer. He is working 20 hrs/week and taking classes so he's on his own for fun but I'm feeding him. I wouldn't pay rent, etc for a kid not living here. My 22 yo works full time and is finishing college. I tend to send him food and we gave him a $1000 car so he could get to work.

Edited May 24, 2016 by joyofsix

[Carrie12345]

 

I used to be thinking this would be a "no way, do it yourself!" But since I have not seen a single person I have ever met, including doctors, lawyers, and executives, do it 100% themselves, not even ONE person without ANY inheritance or help with college or mortgage (at least one of those two) I have changed my thinking.

 

If I meet anyone who did it 100% on their own, I will let you all know. I used to wonder how the hell this was all working. Now I get it.

 

We did, unless you count some time (less than a year) spend living with my parents rent-free as a young, single mother.  Which was definitely help, but was mainly because the waiting list for housing assistance was eons long.

 

I'm not in the "never, ever, ever" camp with my kids, but I don't believe they'll inevitably need financial help, either.  We did it, we made a lot of mistakes while doing it, and we figured it out.  My big thing is trying to teach them how to avoid the mistakes we made so it isn't as difficult as it was for us.

 

Of course, I say this as the mother of white, privileged, upper-middle class kids, most of whom will go out into the world without any extraordinary challenges.  Which doesn't guarantee smooth sailing by a long shot, but eliminates the inherent difficulties too many other kids will be forced to overcome.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

We did, unless you count some time (less than a year) spend living with my parents rent-free as a young, single mother. Which was definitely help, but was mainly because the waiting list for housing assistance was eons long.

 

I'm not in the "never, ever, ever" camp with my kids, but I don't believe they'll inevitably need financial help, either. We did it, we made a lot of mistakes while doing it, and we figured it out. My big thing is trying to teach them how to avoid the mistakes we made so it isn't as difficult as it was for us.

 

Of course, I say this as the mother of white, privileged, upper-middle class kids, most of whom will go out into the world without any extraordinary challenges. Which doesn't guarantee smooth sailing by a long shot, but eliminates the inherent difficulties too many other kids will be forced to overcome.

Living rent free, even briefly is a huge help! I'm glad you were able to do that.

[StaceyinLA]

We have 4 adult children.

 

At 16, we bought each child a used car (we live rather far out, so for them to work, it was necessary). They each paid the gas and insurance for their car, and, beyond the first one, we have never paid anything toward another vehicle.

 

They have been welcome to live with us, rent free, while working, going to college, etc., but if they have chosen to live elsewhere, they pay for it.

 

We keep all of them insured as long as our health insurance allows it, and, even though they pay the premiums, we keep their cars on our policy (it's just cheaper that way). We also have their phones on our plan, but they pay that also.

 

We have had one of my married daughters and her children stay with us a few different times while her husband was still in the military, and we never would've asked for anything from her (she bought their personal items of course).

 

As far as the married ones, we do things for them here and there. My husband is very handy, and is a certified electrician (although that's no longer his profession), so he helps a lot as far as projects they may want to do in their homes. We buy things and do things for them to improve their homes/property when we can. We would NOT cosign for them a house, nor would we purchase one and rent to them. Now, dh has said when ours is paid off in the next couple years, we might consider buying a small house and letting one of the younger ones buy it from us, but that may not need to happen.

 

All my kids know they are welcome to come back here to live if the need arises (even the married ones if they needed to live here temporarily to save money toward a goal or something). Barring them being foolish or getting into some kind of trouble, I have no problem letting them live here. I'm not going to enable idiotic behavior by letting them live here rent-free.

Edited May 24, 2016 by StaceyinLA

[SKL]

Living rent free, even briefly is a huge help! I'm glad you were able to do that.

 

Yes, this is the reason I don't say I "did it all on my own."  Even though I actually paid my parents part of my wages and student loans when I lived at home, and did "chores" and cared for my much younger siblings, it still wasn't comparable to having to go find an apartment/room I could pay for in cash.  Even though I probably *could* have done that, it would have distracted from other activities that were more helpful at the time (I think).

 

I also credit my parents for:  good educational foundation; moral support; high expectations; and help with the student loan paperwork.

 

I won't say nobody can do it all on their own, but the reality is that few do.  If my kid is able to, more power to her.  I will be proud.

[Carrie12345]

Living rent free, even briefly is a huge help! I'm glad you were able to do that.

 

It certainly was.  Not exactly the inheritance/tuition/mortgage factors I was responding to, though.  We still started our marriage at 23 with about $25k in student loan debt and low-wage, hourly jobs. (And we're grateful it was only $25k!!!)

 

We've never told our kids they'll have to get their own place after graduation.  Living at home while creating some financial stability seems rather obvious to me, though I realize that's not an easy solution for young adults who may be offered better long-term opportunities elsewhere.

[Carrie12345]

Yes, this is the reason I don't say I "did it all on my own."  Even though I actually paid my parents part of my wages and student loans when I lived at home, and did "chores" and cared for my much younger siblings, it still wasn't comparable to having to go find an apartment/room I could pay for in cash.  Even though I probably *could* have done that, it would have distracted from other activities that were more helpful at the time (I think).

 

I also credit my parents for:  good educational foundation; moral support; high expectations; and help with the student loan paperwork.

 

I won't say nobody can do it all on their own, but the reality is that few do.  If my kid is able to, more power to her.  I will be proud.

 

I did happen to do it on my own first, and without a college degree.  Not that I'm recommending that, lol.  But I can now say with absolute certainty that my children will never have to fear being homeless if they want to leave a bad relationship.  Or for any other reason, really.  But it would probably take very special circumstances for that to involve big checks when we have empty beds available here.

[KungFuPanda]

DH and I did EVERYTHING ourselves. We were completely financially independent from our late teens, through the Army, and through college. We managed the vehicles, insurance, bills, tuition, and mortgage with just each other for help.

 

We give our daughter a LOT more support than that. Enough struggle to know you can figure things out on your own has it's merits, but constant, sustained stress to just stay afloat is a benefit to no one. DH and I are more comfortable than our parents were and our kids have grown up in a great neighborhood.

 

DS is disabled and will always live with us. Dd will always be welcome in our home. I'm open to multigenerational living later, but dd is at the age where she's excited to move out. She'll live in a dorm next year. I'm excited for her and would rather she spent her time at college than commuting. I'll miss her, but I want her to have the luxury of focusing on herself without worrying where her next meal will come from.

 

So, I wouldn't consign a mortgage for someone else, but I would consider taking out a mortgage to add an apartment to my current home.

Edited May 24, 2016 by KungFuPanda

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

 

We give our daughter a LOT more support than that. Enough struggle to know you can figure things out on your own has it's merits, but constant, sustained stress to just stay afloat is a benefit to no one. DH and I are more comfortable than our parents were and our kids have grown up in a great neighborhood.

 

*snip*

 

I can't agree with this enough.

[teachermom2834]

The one thing I always hope to plan/offer is a temporary (intentionally undefined) place to stay. If I can offer other help i will but just being able to offer a roof over their heads and utilities when they are in need is important to me.

 

We recently had a localish relocation. We only moved about an hour away from our family but in the course of buying/selling we were without a place to stay for a week. We racked up a big hotel bill during that time that was filled with other expenses and followed an unemployment. It struck me as so sad that I had family in the area but no one who could/would put us up for even a week.

 

I will be very sad not to be able to offer that kind of assistance.

[SKL]

I really don't know which is best.  I've only lived what I've lived.  I did have many continuous years of stress over finances.  It was not fun, but there were good things about it for sure.  I learned things that led to a much better financial situation for raising my kids and preparing for my old age (and helping my extended family too).

 

People I know who have had a lot of help always seem to be in the same situation year after year, decade after decade.  At this point they are worrying about things I don't have to worry about.  It's really hard to say whether some well-timed tough love would have helped them, or not.

 

FTR I am the chief enabler of some of these people, so I'm not trying to sound self-righteous.

 

Edited May 24, 2016 by SKL

[Granny_Weatherwax]

<snip>

 

I used to be thinking this would be a "no way, do it yourself!" But since I have not seen a single person I have ever met, including doctors, lawyers, and executives, do it 100% themselves, not even ONE person without ANY inheritance or help with college or mortgage (at least one of those two) I have changed my thinking.

 

If I meet anyone who did it 100% on their own, I will let you all know. I used to wonder how the hell this was all working. Now I get it.

 

I have done it on my own.  Well, with DH after we got married but I'm not sure what you mean by "it".  If "it" means never having any financial help than we're doing "it".  If "it" means moving into a higher SES or being financially secure, than we have failed miserably.

 

<snip>  Decided against sharing that much personal info.

 

I didn't think we were unique in never having received help.  I do admit, though, that it seems like many people do have help from family but the people we know who have had help are from the middle and upper classes.  Most people who have not received help are in the working class.  I think that's why I posed the question about SES and offering help.  It seems like, just as with everything else in life, access and privilege begets access and privilege. 

Edited May 24, 2016 by ScoutermominIL

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't think that saying I won't be paying for my adult child's living expenses automatically equates to doing it 100% completely on your own.  The questions were about paying the rent, paying the living expenses, or taking out a mortgage for the kids.  I read those questions as being about ongoing payments, I didn't read them as helping out in some sort of special circumstances. 

<snip>

Yes, I did indeed mean on a regular basis not only in special circumstances. Thanks for clarifying.

[Arcadia]

Most people who have not received help are in the working class. I think that's why I posed the question about SES and offering help. It seems like, just as with everything else in life, access and privilege begets access and privilege.

I check google for the range for working class and it says $35k-60k annual. I have relatives in that range. The SAHM/WAHM help their children with free childcare from newborn to high school, and they helped by cooking dinner for kids and grandkids on weekdays. That saved my cousins the cost of infantcare and childcare as well as the time to prep and cook dinner. They contribute what they could to the grocery costs.

 

All my relatives are in big crowded cities so finding a job near home and their parents home wasn't as hard. So while my relatives weren't helping cash wise, they did help reduce expenses significantly. Where they stay also helped access wise to more job opportunities in terms of geographic location and in terms of networking.

 

My 35 year old brother is earning about $35k annual and his wife doesn't work. They rented out a bedroom to two ladies for many years and use that rent income (<$1k/mth) to help downpay mortgage. Now they are mortgage free on their <$200k (at time of buying) apartment. Their only child is 4 years old and they do not intend to have more kids. So now the rent and whatever savings per month goes into retirement savings. My brother if he stays employed in his stable but not high paying job would be able to help his child for commuter college tuition and fees as well as let the child stay as long as she need to after college.

[SKL]

Yeah, my folks were working class and I have been upwardly mobile.  Of my parents' 6 kids, the majority have been upwardly mobile, and one is kind of a mess (despite having a college degree and lots of help).  A couple continued their higher education into their 40s.  Of course it's easier to help when you have more money, but many kinds of non-financial support also make a big difference.  The mindset that you're a professional in the making is a good thing to plant (if that's what you want for your kids).

 

I have money, but I don't assume my kids will be upwardly mobile.  So far, neither has exhibited the combination of brainy talent and good work ethic.  We'll see.  I just want them to be self-supporting, happy and healthy.

Edited May 24, 2016 by SKL