Wwyd

[Scarlett]

Nothing too serious. Sigh. Just my distractable 16 year old. I worked today...he was home doing school and a few..,,VERY few chores. 2 loads of laundry.....one jeans, one towels. He was leaving as I got here....after he was gone I discover the jeans, washed and dried but crammed into a laundry basket. And the towels still in the dryer. And inexplicably a huge pile of dirty clothes on the laundry room floor.

 

I 1) don't like clothes left in the basket to wrinkle. Just fold them and put them away. 2) do not leave dirty clothes all over the floor...if you we're sorting out towels and jeans as asked, then put the rest back in the hamper. 3) don't leave clothes in the dryer.

 

He is still out. Doing volunteer work. Sigh. So do I just go take care of the laundry? Because it is making me nuts......but that feels like I am rewarding him for sloppy and inattentive work.

 

Just tel me...Wwyd?

[Tess in the Burbs]

I don't know, that would make me crazy, but on the other hand, doing it for the child would be nice :)

[Annie G]

If you have him fold the clothes and take care of the rest when he gets home, he learns that he might as well do it right the first time. If you do it for him, he might just continue to do a sloppy job.  I vote to have him do them when he gets home no matter how late it is. 

Sometimes you have to let go of perfection in order to focus on the big picture, which in this case is diligence or maybe just paying attention to detail. 

 

I know it stinks to see things not done the way you like them. Man, I thought my kids were NEVER going to learn to clean the kitchen well enough to keep me from cringing.  It was SO hard not to go behind them and do it...that would have been a lot easier than reteaching them and having them do it over and over. So I know how you feel about the laundry wrinkling in the basket!!

Edited March 29, 2016 by Annie G

[Miss Peregrine]

Are the jeans his? if so, he can wear them wrinkled or re dry them. He can fold the towels and put the laundry back in the hampers when he gets home. 

[JustEm]

Does he know that is your expectation for when you ask him to do laundry? Because if I asked my dh(a say dh because my kids are too young) to do a load for me he would do it his way and have no idea how I prefer it.

 

If your DS knows your expectations then I'd either leave it and have him fix it or do it now and tell him that next time you need to inspect the job before he can leave the house.

 

If he doesn't know it is an expectation then finish it yourself now and teach him tonight what you expect.

[Lawana]

I have a 16 yo ds. He hates laundry with a fiery passion lol. And I find that in general, my laundry standards are much higher than anyone else in the family.

 

What I would do would depend on whether his actions were habitual or more of a usually do okay, but didn't follow through today for some reason. Usually does okay? Just finish up for him. Still struggling with follow through? Have him fluff the jeans, fold and put away as well as the towels-- just one quick instruction.

[OneStepAtATime]

Does he know that is your expectation for when you ask him to do laundry? Because if I asked my dh(a say dh because my kids are too young) to do a load for me he would do it his way and have no idea how I prefer it.

 

If your DS knows your expectations then I'd either leave it and have him fix it or do it now and tell him that next time you need to inspect the job before he can leave the house.

 

If he doesn't know it is an expectation then finish it yourself now and teach him tonight what you expect.

Yeah, I agree with the above.  DH would have no clue.  The kids only have a clue when I have worked with them over and over on my particular preferences, step by step.

[Scarlett]

He definitely knows my expectations on laundry. I even texted him several times today to remind him to stay on the laundry.

 

Ok, I am going to have him do it when he gets home. Jeans will have to go back in the dryer to de wrinkle. And no they aren't just his jeans.

 

Being a mom is hard. LOL

[ThisIsTheDay]

I would remind my kid, when he got home, that he still had laundry to take care of, and I'd leave it at that.  I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't feel guilty about that.

[Scarlett]

I have a 16 yo ds. He hates laundry with a fiery passion lol. And I find that in general, my laundry standards are much higher than anyone else in the family.

 

What I would do would depend on whether his actions were habitual or more of a usually do okay, but didn't follow through today for some reason. Usually does okay? Just finish up for him. Still struggling with follow through? Have him fluff the jeans, fold and put away as well as the towels-- just one quick instruction.

Definitely habitual. Not malicious but the kid can't remember anything. This is the kid who when told to take the trash to the curb forgets that part by the time he gets to the trash cans at the shop. 15 steps away.

 

I am going to make him do it when he gets home. But calmly. Really no need to be angry, why be angry at a goose. ;)

[Tess in the Burbs]

Well, my 14 year old started laundry today(his), and I reminded him to rotate it.

 

He didn't.

 

He will have no pants dry tomorrow.

 

No I don't plan to help him out.

 

I already did the supper dishes ;p

[Lawana]

He definitely knows my expectations on laundry. I even texted him several times today to remind him to stay on the laundry.

 

Ok, I am going to have him do it when he gets home. Jeans will have to go back in the dryer to de wrinkle. And no they aren't just his jeans.

 

Being a mom is hard. LOL

Reminding him throughout the day? Oh yeah, definitely save the rest for him.

 

If it is any consolation, we go through this all the time with ds who is a great kid with a heart of gold. He just doesn't put the same priority on chores that dh and I do. It helps to keep calm and not get worked up, while still keeping the standards firm. It's not worth damaging the relationship over constant verbal battles about chores.

[Scarlett]

I would remind my kid, when he got home, that he still had laundry to take care of, and I'd leave it at that. I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't feel guilty about that.

Oh no guilt. I am just cringing that there is such a mess in the laundry room.

 

I attempt natural consequences. A few weeks back he didn't follow through on a load of dress shirts. Dress shirts. Sunday morning he comes to my bedroom door frantically asking if his favorite dress shirt was too wrinkled. Um, yeah. I calmly told him to fluff it or wear something else.

 

Nothing sinks in though.

[OneStepAtATime]

Yeah, if he knew the expectations, he may still struggle with Executive Function stuff. Maybe just type up a list of what, specifically, you need him to finish tonight. I would urge you not to nag or make it a failure on his part. Keep neutral. Just give him the list and ask how his day went. Praise anything he did do right, if you can. People tend to respond better if they feel they weren't a complete failure at something and the goal is for him to finish his chores and hopefully do better next time, right? Encouragemant of things he did do might help a bit (not saying you aren't encouraging in general, I just mean this incident with laundry). Good luck!

[Lawana]

Posting at the same time lol

[Scarlett]

Thanks guys.....good t know I am not alone. ,

[Scarlett]

Could you make it where he is only in charge of his own laundry? I make my oldest do her own laundry. Have ever since she was 11 and I caught her throwing clean folded clothes I gave her to put away back into the hamper. So now she does her own. I only care that its done once a week and that it isn't spread out all over her room. If she wants to wear wrinkled clothes, so be it, as long as they're clean.

I think we might be close to doing that....but I dont think it would solve my problem. I can't go Into my laundry room and find clothes on the floor, in a basket and in the dryer. I must have order in the laundry world. lol

[MegP]

I would have him just do his own laundry.

[Scarlett]

Yeah, if he knew the expectations, he may still struggle with Executive Function stuff. Maybe just type up a list of what, specifically, you need him to finish tonight. I would urge you not to nag or make it a failure on his part. Keep neutral. Just give him the list and ask how his day went. Praise anything he did do right, if you can. People tend to respond better if they feel they weren't a complete failure at something and the goal is for him to finish his chores and hopefully do better next time, right? Encouragemant of things he did do might help a bit (not saying you aren't encouraging in general, I just mean this incident with laundry). Good luck!

Yes this is where I often fail. Thankfully I didn't see it before he left because I would have flipped....i have had several hours to think this through....

[MegP]

Have him keep all his dirty clothes in his room until he chooses to do his laundry.

 

If he does not do this, then simply put the clothes that are in the laundry room that are his back in his room.

Edited March 29, 2016 by MegP

[Scarlett]

I would have him just do his own laundry.

That still doesn't solve the problem of laundry left mid cycle....in the floor, in the basket, in the dryer....sometimes in the washer...(dss does that)

[Scarlett]

We have a "do not pass go" until the laundry is done rule. In other words, you can't leave the house and move onto something else until it's finished. She has an assigned day and if something comes up that day that takes her away the day is rescheduled. I mean, it's one person, once a week. It doesn't take her all day as it really breaks down to four loads max (if she sorted my way), and more likely two or three done "her" way. She can't do anything else until it's done, as we had the joyful experience of finding a washer full of moldy towels sometime during our first month of doing this. I think letting them figure out "their way" is part of letting them grow up. As long as they are out of your laundry room within a set time frame, just don't go in there while the madness is at work. Hide your eyes woman!

So ideally I should have checked the laundry room before he left and then he couldn't leave until it was fixed....

[Mimm]

If it was bothering me, I would do it and when he comes home tell him I took care of it for him and so to help me out he could do some other little chore for me.

[Scarlett]

If it was bothering me, I would do it and when he comes home tell him I took care of it for him and so to help me out he could do some other little chore for me.

I thought of that. But now I have cooked a supper no one ate but me ( leftovers tomorrow) cleaned the kitchen and watched dancing with the stars. And chatted with you all. Surprisingly nothing bad has happened with all that laundry left mid cycle. So he ca do it when he and Dh get home....or if it is too late first thing a,m....thankfully I am home all day tomorrow with him.

[SKL]

He's not done with his job yet.  I would remind him and indicate that you expect it to be finished before he goes to bed.

[8circles]

Voice of dissent.

 

Honestly, I would just do it.  I think teaching kids to be gracious and helpful is a really important part of parenting that usually gets pushed to the side.  Laundry isn't hard to figure out, even for people with EF issues (I have them), even if they have to figure it out the "hard way".  Doing it because it needs doing even when it isn't *your job* is a better lesson to teach, IMO.  

[Scarlett]

Voice of dissent.

 

Honestly, I would just do it. I think teaching kids to be gracious and helpful is a really important part of parenting that usually gets pushed to the side. Laundry isn't hard to figure out, even for people with EF issues (I have them), even if they have to figure it out the "hard way". Doing it because it needs doing even when it isn't *your job* is a better lesson to teach, IMO.

Well yeah, except I have taught that lesson a lot. :/. It is almost 10. The kitchen is clean but they are coming home to eat because all the restaurants are closed...so tonight I let it go and start again in the morning.

[Reefgazer]

I dunno...but I leave laundry in the laundry basket until I have time to fold, and laundry in the dryer because it's out of sight until I have time to fold.  They don't seem like big deals to me - I'd just do it myself when I had time or ask him to do it when he has time if you'd rather not.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Story of my life.  But FWIW,  I sometimes do the same exact crap for reasons I can't explain. 

[Scarlett]

I dunno...but I leave laundry in the laundry basket until I have time to fold, and laundry in the dryer because it's out of sight until I have time to fold. They don't seem like big deals to me - I'd just do it myself when I had time or ask him to do it when he has time if you'd rather not.

I don't. And everyone who lives in this house....heck everyone who knows me knows how I feel about laundry. I don't start laundry I can't finish. Sometimes if I have lots of loads to do I will save the rugs or towels for last in case I need to leave it in the dryer.

[Scarlett]

Story of my life. But FWIW, I sometimes do the same exact crap for reasons I can't explain.

I rarely do. But even if I do, no one else is going to come along and need the washer and dryer.

[El...]

I have no good advice.  I should probably text my mom and apologize for my teen self....

[eternalsummer]

I dunno...but I leave laundry in the laundry basket until I have time to fold, and laundry in the dryer because it's out of sight until I have time to fold.  They don't seem like big deals to me - I'd just do it myself when I had time or ask him to do it when he has time if you'd rather not.

 

This is exactly how I do laundry.  To me, laundry is done when the clothes I wanted clean and dry are clean and dry.  Possibly your DS sees it as a functional thing too - clean and dry vs dirty and wet.  If it really bugs you, I would say, "Hey, wrinkled clothes really bother me, and so does a disorganized laundry room.  When it is your turn to do the laundry could you fold my clothes and take dry clothes out of the dryer and keep dirty clothes in the hamper?"  then if he says, "Why?" be prepared to have a decent reason :)  

 

Alternatively, you could meet him halfway - "I know that for you laundry is done when the clothes are clean and dry but I'm crazy about wrinkled clothes!  Can you just lay mine out flat on the top of the dryer and I'll fold them later when I have a chance?"

[8circles]

I don't. And everyone who lives in this house....heck everyone who knows me knows how I feel about laundry. I don't start laundry I can't finish. Sometimes if I have lots of loads to do I will save the rugs or towels for last in case I need to leave it in the dryer.

 

I think that you think that your way is the only right way and I think that's going to set you up to be disappointed.  If you are not willing to be flexible, get comfortable with your disappointment.

 

If you aren't happy with the way he does the laundry, then you should each do your own.  Then you should let him do his laundry how he wants to.  My 12 yo & 10 yo each do their own laundry and I have learned to butt-out.  Because they're *doing their own laundry* and that's pretty great.  They do it how they see fit and it isn't the way I do it.  But they manage to have clean clothing daily, so why would it be a problem.

 

If their clothes are in the washer when I need it, I move their clothes to the dryer & start it - then holler up stairs that their clothes are now in the dryer.  If their clothes are in the dryer & I need it, I remove their clothes into a laundry basket & tell them where to find it.  Bonus is they also treat me & my laundry with the same courtesy.  It doesn't happen often but is a nice gesture.

 

I don't fault you for not finishing his laundry after coming home from a day of work and being tired - but I don't see why it is even a big deal.

[OneStepAtATime]

This thread is reminding me that I have a load in the wash that has been there since yesterday morning.  Better go rewash.  And call my mom to thank her for all the years of laundry she dealt with...

 

Good luck, Scarlet.  (and thanks for starting this thread...goodness knows what my laundry would have smelled like tomorrow...:) )

[Katy]

My mom would have described me as the same way as a kid...  overly talkative, forgetful about everything that didn't fascinate me, could never remember my chores...

 

My mom solved this, after getting mad at me a million times, by writing me a DAILY note about everything she expected I should do that day after school and before I did anything fun. I now know I have ADHD.  I wish I'd had the diagnosis as a teen.  It explains a ton about my childhood.

[Reefgazer]

I'm very picky about how my laundry is done (detergent, how it's dried, temperature, etc).  But after it's washed and dried....I don't worry about it.  Because I am picky about washing/drying details, I don't trust anyone to do it properly and I do it myself.  OP, maybe that's your best solution - just doing it yourself like I do.

I think that you think that your way is the only right way and I think that's going to set you up to be disappointed.  If you are not willing to be flexible, get comfortable with your disappointment.

 

If you aren't happy with the way he does the laundry, then you should each do your own.  Then you should let him do his laundry how he wants to.  My 12 yo & 10 yo each do their own laundry and I have learned to butt-out.  Because they're *doing their own laundry* and that's pretty great.  They do it how they see fit and it isn't the way I do it.  But they manage to have clean clothing daily, so why would it be a problem.

 

If their clothes are in the washer when I need it, I move their clothes to the dryer & start it - then holler up stairs that their clothes are now in the dryer.  If their clothes are in the dryer & I need it, I remove their clothes into a laundry basket & tell them where to find it.  Bonus is they also treat me & my laundry with the same courtesy.  It doesn't happen often but is a nice gesture.

 

I don't fault you for not finishing his laundry after coming home from a day of work and being tired - but I don't see why it is even a big deal.

 

[Susan C.]

First, you let your ds do your laundry? You are brave!! Here is what we do, maybe there are ideas you like. I still have adult kids here... we are starting to look more like a shared adult home, rather than adult/kids. Dd and I are laundry buddies, I need her clothes to make whole loads, and she is working hard at the local college, so I do hers with mine. I can see us switching back and forth when she graduates. Ds washes his own... but knows not to just start his loads without asking me if I am using the washer/dryer. If he works long stretches without a day off, I'll start or finish his for him, he works hard.  I could get upset if clothes are out, or laundry behind (I do if it starts stinking), but I figure if each dc was in their own place, then they would be able to let clothes stay in washer/dryer, or sit out waiting for the next load. Since the appliances are shared, then everyone has to plan to finish in the same day, and make sure the clothes are out for the next person who needs it. Most of the time that does happen. Since dc were older when they learned how to do it, they do it exactly how I do, which makes me happy. I can't stand wrinkled clothes, wadded up jeans, stinking, wet, forgotten wet clothes in washer, etc. And they know to allow enough time to dry their clothes so they aren't up later than they wanted to be. We also have a very large drying rack (entire wall) in the laundry room to pull clothes out "hot and wet" to hang and dry so there is no need to iron them. That helps a lot.

[Laura Corin]

He knows your expectations but does he remember them?  When you texted him, was it to say to remember to fold the clean stuff and tidy the room?

 

I have a distractible 15yo and he needs detailed lists:

 

Hobbes, please:

 

- run two loads through the washing machine and dryer

- fold all clean/dry clothes and put in the individuals' rooms

- tidy laundry room so that it looks the same as when you first saw it

- any dirty clothes that are left over, please put back into the laundry basket.

 

I know it shouldn't feel necessary, but as he practises with detailed lists, slowly over time Hobbes is remembering more things for himself.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Guest]

I think that you think that your way is the only right way and I think that's going to set you up to be disappointed. If you are not willing to be flexible, get comfortable with your disappointment.

 

If you aren't happy with the way he does the laundry, then you should each do your own. Then you should let him do his laundry how he wants to. My 12 yo & 10 yo each do their own laundry and I have learned to butt-out. Because they're *doing their own laundry* and that's pretty great. They do it how they see fit and it isn't the way I do it. But they manage to have clean clothing daily, so why would it be a problem.

 

If their clothes are in the washer when I need it, I move their clothes to the dryer & start it - then holler up stairs that their clothes are now in the dryer. If their clothes are in the dryer & I need it, I remove their clothes into a laundry basket & tell them where to find it. Bonus is they also treat me & my laundry with the same courtesy. It doesn't happen often but is a nice gesture.

 

I don't fault you for not finishing his laundry after coming home from a day of work and being tired - but I don't see why it is even a big deal.

This is a pretty good summary of what happens here. My DS16 does his own laundry. Sometimes his laundry interferes with my own and other times it doesn't. Sometimes I help him by moving along his laundry and sometimes he helps me the same way. Recently, he moved my load into the dryer and then put them (unfolded) in my basket, but my clothes were still quite damp. So, I mentioned it, but moved his dry clothes and put mine back in. It's not a big deal in any case; there's no tension where I think he's being malicious. He does struggle with EF and I just don't think there's anything wrong with helping him manage.

[ThisIsTheDay]

So ideally I should have checked the laundry room before he left and then he couldn't leave until it was fixed....

 

*I* wouldn't do this unless he were 12.  He's 16. Your son sounds like mine, very helpful for the most part, considerate of others, a great, great kid.

 

However, you feel strongly about the tidiness of your laundry room.  If this were one of the few battles I would be willing to take on, then I would take it on.

 

My own battle right now with 17yods:  "Yes, I know it's your favorite shirt.  But there is a HOLE in the front of it.  It is appropriate for pajamas, but you may no longer wear it in public."

 

;)

[creekland]

Thanks guys.....good t know I am not alone. ,

 

I'm reading this getting amused at how many have youngsters like this and how many of us admit to having been like this.

 

I even penned this thread to my future daughter in law due to a similar issue:

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/540328-to-my-future-dil

 

I'm back to say all three of my boys ended up becoming great young adults.  They are kind, compassionate, and two of them are cleaner than they ever were in their teens. (The other has been a clean youngster from his youth.)

 

I've personally come to the realization that the whole thing is a sham.  We think we're training/teaching our kids - and we do - we teach them how to run the machines.  But the brain part that goes with organization, and even whether they care or not about such little things is a combo of natural brain development and their personal preferences.

 

I'm an adult and I'm perfectly ok with some loads of laundry living in the laundry basket until we need them.  I want other loads hung up immediately to prevent wrinkling. I want dirty clothes in the hamper or plotted other locations where we put things we've worn, but might wear again if laundry isn't done first (usually barn/outdoor clothes).  

 

I've decided my preferences.  Hubby and I have agreed - long ago - to help our marriage.  Every now and then one of us messes up and the other covers for them or we don't worry about it. 

 

My boys are their own people.  They get to decide their preferences.  They will decide their own no matter what I do about it.  The only issue is whether it drives us crazy in the meantime or not.  I opted not to let it drive me crazy.  I kept doing the majority of the laundry in our house.  If they were home, they'd help me sort or hang up things.  If not, folded clothes would be on their bed.  I'd check for laundry in our hamper, but also in piles in their room. It's still the same way when they come home from college, except they now remember to use the hamper better.

 

But teens?  Their brains are not yet fully functional, but we all expect them to be.  We get mad when they aren't.  We wonder what we did wrong with parenting.  We pen letters to our future DILs.  We look at those who seem to "get it" and wonder what sort of parenting made them that way.  We might even get jealous, proud, or mad pending which kid we're talking about.

 

Then as our kids grow up we look at ourselves and smugly say, "we did a great job - they made it!" or "wow, we really messed up somewhere!" and slink off in shame.

 

It's none of the above.  It's natural kid/teen brain growth no matter what plan/style we opt to use.  All neurotypical kids will improve their ability to remember things and get them in an order, etc.  Some are fortunate enough to have this develop earlier than others, so they automatically become the "good" kids we love.  Others are unfortunate enough to have drawn a later brain development deal in the birth lottery.  In many families they have it rough as parents try one form of discipline, then another.  Then their parents might claim victory later, but they have no clue there was no victory, it was plain old natural growth and development.

 

Our part is training them to use the machines and trying to be understanding when their preferences and ours collide.  They may or may not follow our preferences.  I'd be a Hoarder if I followed my dad's preferences.  NO THANK YOU.  I also have no desire to be sparkling clean like my MIL used to be (before Alzheimers).  

 

I want my way of doing things.  I'll allow them theirs.  When we live together, we find a happy MEDIUM that works for us both - just as our marriage does.  Since I'm pickier on laundry, I keep doing it.  They're appreciative.

 

None of my boys had any difficulty doing laundry on their own once they moved to college (and beyond).  It' a fallacy to think that if they don't get it now, they won't later.  They learned how to use the machines with me.  That's all they needed to learn.

 

And when I ask them to do a load of laundry, I keep my fingers crossed that it gets done somewhat according to my preferences.  If not, I just know I really need to do it myself if I want it that way.  If they totally forgot, it's frustrating, but I remind myself that I totally forget once in a while too.  We're all human.

[Scarlett]

I'm very picky about how my laundry is done (detergent, how it's dried, temperature, etc). But after it's washed and dried....I don't worry about it. Because I am picky about washing/drying details, I don't trust anyone to do it properly and I do it myself. OP, maybe that's your best solution - just doing it yourself like I do.

Well I don't trust him to do my laundry.....I did however think he could handle a load of jeans and a load of towels. Especially with him being reminded several times via text while I was away.

 

And with my son there is not a single thing he will do without forgetting what he is doing.

[Scarlett]

My mom would have described me as the same way as a kid... overly talkative, forgetful about everything that didn't fascinate me, could never remember my chores...

 

My mom solved this, after getting mad at me a million times, by writing me a DAILY note about everything she expected I should do that day after school and before I did anything fun. I now know I have ADHD. I wish I'd had the diagnosis as a teen. It explains a ton about my childhood.

I suspect he leans that way. I have talked to him a lot about figuring out a way that works for him to remember what he needs to do.

I make him lists. He had a list yesterday via text and several reminders via text.

[Scarlett]

He knows your expectations but does he remember them? When you texted him, was it to say to remember to fold the clean stuff and tidy the room?

 

I have a distractible 15yo and he needs detailed lists:

 

Hobbes, please:

 

- run two loads through the washing machine and dryer

- fold all clean/dry clothes and put in the individuals' rooms

- tidy laundry room so that it looks the same as when you first saw it

- any dirty clothes that are left over, please put back into the laundry basket.

 

I know it shouldn't feel necessary, but as he practises with detailed lists, slowly over time Hobbes is remembering more things for himself.

Yep. Detailed lists here too. Our success rate is about 60%. He is improving though.

[Scarlett]

He didn't get home until 11. He was exhausted from the work they did. I didn't even mention it. I just told him he is a good boy for helping so much and to go get some sleep.

[creekland]

Lists are definitely helpful - even moreso as we age actually.  I use them far more now in my late 40s than I ever needed to when I was younger.

 

But again, he will improve no matter what you do.  It's pure natural brain development.

 

We don't expect our 9 month olds to walk (even though some do at that age).  Why to we expect our teens to be able to think as adults?  It's honestly not fair to them at all.  They might if their brain developed that area early, just as some 9 month olds can walk, but the human brain is not fully developed until somewhere between age 21 and 25.

 

Most of us on this board get frustrated that ps more or less requires all students to learn at the same pace.  Why is it any different in our own houses with life skills?  

 

Most 8th graders can handle algebra, but those who can't aren't usually dumb.  Most of the time their math brain is just slower to develop.  We could punish to try to get them to get better grades, but what purpose would it really serve?  We can get smug when they finally "come around" in 9th or 10th grade, but it wasn't our punishment or tricks that got them there... It was their brain developing naturally.

[creekland]

He didn't get home until 11. He was exhausted from the work they did. I didn't even mention it. I just told him he is a good boy for helping so much and to go get some sleep.

 

Awesome!   :hurray:

 

It IS tough as a parent when our preferences aren't theirs and when we think they should be more capable at decision making than they are.  We get frustrated.

 

But venting on here and plugging along there is a much better way of handling it than punishing him for something that is probably entirely natural.

 

FWIW, I'm NOT saying don't continue trying to teach him life skills and getting him to help around the house.  That's a totally different concept and we're all for kids pulling their weight.  Ours have been farm hands since elementary school.

 

But when things happen as they did with your laundry... you weren't immediately there to coach/teach and his mind strays (as many do, esp at that age).  It's understandable and not necessarily willful disobedience.  Even if he knew finishing was an option, the lack of decision making capability at that age for many normal kids would have them doing just as he did.

[Scarlett]

Lists are definitely helpful - even moreso as we age actually. I use them far more now in my late 40s than I ever needed to when I was younger.

 

But again, he will improve no matter what you do. It's pure natural brain development.

 

We don't expect our 9 month olds to walk (even though some do at that age). Why to we expect our teens to be able to think as adults? It's honestly not fair to them at all. They might if their brain developed that area early, just as some 9 month olds can walk, but the human brain is not fully developed until somewhere between age 21 and 25.

 

Most of us on this board get frustrated that ps more or less requires all students to learn at the same pace. Why is it any different in our own houses with life skills?

 

Most 8th graders can handle algebra, but those who can't aren't usually dumb. Most of the time their math brain is just slower to develop. We could punish to try to get them to get better grades, but what purpose would it really serve? We can get smug when they finally "come around" in 9th or 10th grade, but it wasn't our punishment or tricks that got them there... It was their brain developing naturally.

Ha. My son did walk before 9 months....by 9 months and one week he was running across the room. Reciting alphabet at 18 months. He was reading and doing multiplication by 4. Skipped 2nd grade math. Skipped 8th grade Science. So although I wouldn't say gifted he is very bright. But I am seeing that all of that has nothing to do with being able to remember what is on his list. :)

 

I know I had little too do with his ability to do so many things early. I did put opportunities in front of him and likewise I will continue to show him life skills.

[goldberry]

 

I am going to make him do it when he gets home. But calmly. Really no need to be angry, why be angry at a goose. ;)

 

This is what works best for us. Continual followup but in a carefully neutral tone.  I don't always manage it.  :glare: