Prairie~Phlox Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Ok, first off, I love my neighbor dearly, I really do, our families get along great and we've been helping them with a remodel job the last two months and have bonded even closer than before. We've made a Christmas dinner with them the last two years and it's become a "tradition" now. However, she's a few years younger than me (I'm 41) and she smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day (only outside or in their garage) and she has lupus and is sick ALL the time. She always admits that she needs to quit, jokes that she's not going to live past 50. I'm to the point of enough already. I will ride with her places and she rolls the windows down no matter the temperature and lights up a cigarette even though her husband doesn't want her smoking in the vehicle. She is sick again (3rd time in a month) and her daughter is also going through some health problems (at 13) and I know that just adds to the stress along with the remodel. Part of their furniture is in their garage right now because of the remodel (which is about done) and the next time I'm over there, I'm going to point out that they will be bringing it back into the house & it's going to stink (garage was open for a while because of the nice weather)and she tries really hard to keep the smell outside. I'm also going to refuse to ride with her anymore. I'm tired of the second hand smoke, I grew up around it for 18 years of my life and refuse to deal with it now. Am I totally mean for doing this? She is not afraid to tell others how things should be and I'm about ready to go off on her about her health and her kids and future grand kids. I'm just beyond frustrated watching her kill herself. This is my neighbor's second wife, his first wife along with two others died in a car accident, which he was also in the car as well. I just don't want to watch him bury two wives. Thanks for letting me vent. We were over there last night helping move furniture for carpet and stepped into the garage just for a minute and came home stinking and also, my husband has a bunch of tools in their garage right now. It just irks me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k10coon Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Get her The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. I learned of it on this board and with it my husband and I quit years ago. We have recommended it many times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I'd stop riding with her places because I wouldn't want the smoke exposure, and I'd avoid her house/garage generally and person when she smokes ("Excuse me, I need to run!" when she lights up), but I would not lecture her or tell her off. It's her life and property. Her DH can go off on her smoking in their house and car, but your choice to avoid her behavior is to not put yourself in those places with her. I hate smoking too. My mom did, she watched a father and husband die from cancer caused by it, then quit when I got pregnant with my first. She started again and lies about it, so we don't let her drive my kids (her car reeks). And they don't want to go spend time at her house because she spends the whole time sneaking outside to smoke. Natural consequences. It gives me a migraine! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandragood1 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Is she perhaps self-medicating to treat ADHD or ADD? Nicotine treats these and quitting can be very challenging if it means giving up your mental focus. Getting treated for the adhd would help with quitting smoking. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I'm sorry. My nephews both have pretty bad asthma... Smoking is so addictive. Both my mom and dad have quit but Dad switched to chewing tobacco which isn't better. Blech. Wish the things had never been invented. (Did you ever smoke and quit? I found this group - to which I belong, are the most avid smoking haters. We have a low tolerance.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livetoread Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I wouldn't say anything to try and get her to stop. I seriously doubt she lacks the info, and I'm more of a "mind your own business" kind of friend. Maybe, if you had a long track record of friendship where you told it like it is, but that doesn't sound like the case here. If her smoking actually affects you, like you actually breathe the smoke or smell like it afterwards, then simply telling her that you don't want to be around her when she smokes anymore is perfectly fine, I think. You shouldn't have to breathe it or smell like it. Personally I hate the smell and if it was getting on me I would have drawn a line early on. But saying it because you are trying to get her to stop crosses a line IMO given the type of friendship you have described. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Ok, first off, I love my neighbor dearly, I really do, our families get along great and we've been helping them with a remodel job the last two months and have bonded even closer than before. We've made a Christmas dinner with them the last two years and it's become a "tradition" now. However, she's a few years younger than me (I'm 41) and she smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day (only outside or in their garage) and she has lupus and is sick ALL the time. She always admits that she needs to quit, jokes that she's not going to live past 50. I'm to the point of enough already. I will ride with her places and she rolls the windows down no matter the temperature and lights up a cigarette even though her husband doesn't want her smoking in the vehicle. She is sick again (3rd time in a month) and her daughter is also going through some health problems (at 13) and I know that just adds to the stress along with the remodel. Part of their furniture is in their garage right now because of the remodel (which is about done) and the next time I'm over there, I'm going to point out that they will be bringing it back into the house & it's going to stink (garage was open for a while because of the nice weather)and she tries really hard to keep the smell outside. I'm also going to refuse to ride with her anymore. I'm tired of the second hand smoke, I grew up around it for 18 years of my life and refuse to deal with it now. Am I totally mean for doing this? She is not afraid to tell others how things should be and I'm about ready to go off on her about her health and her kids and future grand kids. I'm just beyond frustrated watching her kill herself. This is my neighbor's second wife, his first wife along with two others died in a car accident, which he was also in the car as well. I just don't want to watch him bury two wives. Thanks for letting me vent. We were over there last night helping move furniture for carpet and stepped into the garage just for a minute and came home stinking and also, my husband has a bunch of tools in their garage right now. It just irks me. She does not need you to talk to her about her smoking problem. She already knows that she should quit. From what I understand, quitting smoking is very difficult. She probably doesn't have the strength to do that right now. And she is not killing herself. Lupus is a nasty disease. Of course, the cigarettes are not helping, but even if she quits, she will still be very sick. Just keep being her friend. This is what she needs from you right now. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Well, please don't be harsh with her. Mentioning something in a "I care about you way" I think would be a better plan then being overly harsh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 You're not mean for being irked when you come home smelling like smoke or for avoiding secondhand smoke. You're not mean for wanting to "go off." If you didn't love her, you wouldn't care (or not as much... I had a neighbor who smoked while pregnant so that she'd get a "smaller, easier-to-deliver baby"... I did not love her, but I wanted to go off on her, too). As PP have said, I don't think lecturing her or being harsh would help. However, you sound like really good friends. I think this might give you the inroad to gently bring it up, in an "I care about you way," as Okra said. If someone had demonstrated friendship/commitment to me over the years, I would listen if they thought they were seeing something worrying in my life. Maybe you can bring it up in a "how can I support you?" way -- and then be willing to follow through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Of course, the cigarettes are not helping, but even if she quits, she will still be very sick. (quote got wonky) This is what I was thinking. FWIW, I am a rabid anti-smoker (who never smoked). But I don't think coming down on her will help her quit. Maybe you could mention that if she wants to try to quit you would be happy to be her support person. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 My MIL has lupus, and I think she started smoking after her diagnosis. Not sure if it helps with the pain, but it might help with the stress of the disease. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Scolding her probably won't help her quit, but you're not mean for not wanting to breathe in the secondhand smoke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I agree with the others; don't lecture, just leave when she starts smoking. If she asks why you won't ride in the car with her, be honest and say the smoke is unpleasant. My BIL has smoked through tongue cancer, so I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I know you aren't actually going to say anything and that you love her and are in pain seeing a dear friend make poor choices. Maybe just stop going with places with her in the car? I think you can be gentle but honest about that. "Sure, but lets meet there. Honestly, I cant be in the car with you due to second hand smoke". And if she lights up outside, take a couple big steps back. Maybe just say it gives you a headache? For me, that would be the truth. It wasn't always that way, but it is now. So, maybe you can say it started doing the same for you. It's just a little social lie and makes your inability to be with her when she smokes more palatable to her. There isn't a single smoker in my entire social circle or extended family, and I am so happy about it. There were a couple, but they have all long since quit. I can go for months without dealing with a smoker, and when I do it makes me want to retch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I understand that you are probably tired of hearing her say she wants to quit and then do nothing. My suggestion is that the next time she says that, you hand her the info for the program mentioned above. Tell her that if she is serious, you will be her biggest supporter! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 You are not mean for setting boundaries. "I love you dearly but I just can't ride in the car with you smoking any more. I'm sorry--I'm not trying to be mean, but for my own health, I won't. I hope we can still be friends." Not only can you say that but you should. Telling her about her daughter--"You know smoking is killing you and it kills me to watch. But you're an adult. I am just worried about your daughter. She's sick often, too. What can I do to help?" You don't have to say that but I would consider it. "Watching you sick from smoking is like watching a sister get sick. I wish I could do something to help." Might help more than saying, "Gah, stop it already!" It would be unkind to lash out or vent to her about your disapproval. I know you're frustrated but I'm sure she is too. Looking into ADD treatment and using Allen Carr's easy way are both great suggestions for her but I don't know how she'd take it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Smoking is insanely hard to quit for some people. I've seen people quit drinking easier than cigarettes. In this day, most people know how bad it is and how it affects their health. I know of at least one person with lung cancer who smoked until the day she died, her dh still smokes. I don't get it. I would not try to counsel her about it. I do agree you get to set the boundaries. Do not ride with her, leave the house when she lights up. Just tell her nicely that you cannot be around smoke, it's starting to bother you. You don't have to tell that it's her actual smoking that's bothering you. My ex smokes, he quit for a long time. He never smoked in the house and now if he's over I literally gag when he lights up. I'm going to ask him not to smoke around me next time because I do get sick from second hand smoke. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abcmommy Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Its called addiction for a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie~Phlox Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Thanks everyone for letting me vent. She found out this afternoon that her 13 year old has lupus as well. Her daughter had a sleepover and she hasn't told her yet & I let her cry on my shoulder a bit. I'm praying for them all, that's about all I can do. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 :( I am so sorry, how awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I am going to approach this differently. I can't be around the smoke for any amount of time. My grandmother smoked when I was a kid and I am very prone to sinus infections. My brother now smokes although he has tried to quit several times. The relationships with people is more important than them smoking. I can't be in their house or car for extended periods of time and I can't sit and have a conversation with them while they are smoking, but I love my brother and loved my grandmother when she was alive. I can live with my brother smelling like smoke even around my daughter because the relationship is more important. He knows it isn't good to smoke, I don't give him a hard time when he smokes and I try to encourage him when he is trying to quit. I am sorry they are both now struggling with Lupus. I am sure that is hard for their whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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