Gwen in VA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I"m not sure I've ever seen this topic discussed here, and I'd appreciate some thoughts. My MIL's funeral will be in a few weeks, which will be after dd's college starts classes. The funeral will be held approximately 800 miles away from dd's college, and, due to off-the-beaten-track locations, flying to it would involve at least one and probably two layovers and a fair amount of driving on either end. In other words, it's not convenient for dd to attend. (She would not be coming with us due to the college's distance from home.) Dd isn't particularly interested in attending -- we moved 600 miles away from grandparents when she was 7 so she doesn't know her grandmother at all well, and her grandmother has been in ill health for quite a while. On the other hand, there are obviously several strong reasons for her to attend. My dh would like her to attend but isn't adamant about it. Thoughts about how much pressure should be put on an adult child to attend a major family event? Any BTDT thoughts would be helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Leave it up to the adult child. I moved 4 hours away from home at 16. I stopped going to pretty much all major family events (for more reasons than distance). Trying to make me go to anything would have ended badly. I don't think it is reasonable to ask a new college student to pick up and travel that far for something that she doesn't feel the need to attend. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I agree that it should be her decision. I've also discovered that skipping school for events is not like taking a few days off work. Not only is there work to make up, some professors have strict attendance policies. So even if this fell under excused absence, it could make it harder if she needed a day off for illness or a sanctioned school event later in the semester. Some professors have no make-up work allowed rules. I never understood that aspect before starting college myself. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at the beach Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Your dh would like for her to attend but isn't adamant. I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. At times like this, if she can attend her grandmother's funeral to be there for her father, who it sounds like she is close to, she should. This isn't about his mother. It's about your husband. JMO. HTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe your husband and she could visit now before classes. Might mean more to her grandmother to see her now even though they haven't been close. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Your dh would like for her to attend but isn't adamant. I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. At times like this, if she can attend her grandmother's funeral to be there for her father, who it sounds like she is close to, she should. This isn't about his mother. It's about your husband. JMO. HTH. I agree that this has little to do with how well she knew the deceased; she would be there for her father. If she could do it and miss just one day of classes, I definitely think she should. If she has to miss more than that, it might really be tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Under those circumstances, I wouldn't. Of course it's nice to have everyone there, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I'd leave it up to her, but make it clear that it is OK if she doesn't. When both of my parents died, I had to go alone. I would have like to have DH there, but it just wasn't feasible on so many fronts. Now I'm waiting to hear from the VA about my beloved uncle's funeral, and I'm figuring that I probably won't go because it will hit in September right when my teen's schooling and my teaching gigs are ramping up. It doesn't seem worth the logistics of getting substitutes and flying there and back (a day each way) for a 15 minute military ceremony. Pulling my oldest from college and my younger one from her classes and activities is just too much. I'll probably take the teens with me later on in December or next summer when we can do more in that area and visit the cemetery. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the BTDT voices! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 We have not had our college boys come to funerals of family members during the school year. So far, the closest family member was my grandma (their great-grandma). If my mom were to pass away (their grandma), we'd try to get them there. We're all quite close. I don't think I'd try for my dad. They only see him once per year at best. I'd leave it up to hubby and the boys for his parents. I suspect they might try for his dad, but not his mom (who more or less left us long ago due to Alzheimers). My boys have not gone to his extended family's funerals. We also weren't close to them. In your situation, I would not have her come unless she wanted to. Too much would be missed at school and it doesn't seem like she needs closure. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I tend to think I wouldn't encourage her to come - I think it is one of the realities of moving away that such things will often be missed. It might be nice though for her to take some time that day to remember her grandmother in some way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I see this as part of growing up. When you live far away, lots of things will happen without you. Whether you travel or not depends so much on circumstances, relationships, and finances. It is definitely up to the college kid to make the decision. I was a young married when two grandparents died. One I could not go to the funeral, expense and newborn, the other I could make, I happened to be in town. I did go to my grandmother's 90th birthday party and I am glad I found the time and money. I did not go to her funeral, too far away and impossible to take the time. The important thing for me was to be able to make my own decisions and be at peace with it. Guilt trips from my mom did not help. Still don't. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine State Sue Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Here's my BTDT. I have missed a few niece's/nephew's weddings. Since I live in a corner of the country, I decided that I was not willing to take a 3 trip by airplane if I had to make a connection and/or drive >3hrs from the destination airport. It's just not worth the time/money/hassle for one day. I had made it clear to dh years ago that when my mother died, he was going to attend the funeral. Not really a problem since it's easy to get direct flights, but dh works on the weekends, and I even discussed the eventual event with a backup for him to be sure. When mom died, dh and ds attended (ds had to take a day or two off school which was CC/PS/basketball), but I did not require them to stay an extra day or two to attend my aunt's funeral 2 days later (aunt died day after mom). I have a niece gettting married over Labor Day weekend. Ds will be off at college. I didn't even ask him. They have met several times at family reunions and such, but they are not close. I personally would allow my college student to make the decision, but would not expect him/her to attend in the circumstances you have described. Good luck! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would let her decide. Fil, who lived with us, passed away when dd#1 was a sophmore (still living at home/in town). She went to classes the morning of the service here. We had to travel the next day and stay in a hotel for a second service and burial two days after the first service. She would have missed additional days of school for that. We encouraged her to not attend those events. In fact, our two high school seniors also did not attend because they have had to miss so many days of swim practice right before their big championship meet. I felt like they had paid their respects/honored him during his life. I must admit, that while dh andn I agreed with this decision, other family members were horrified. The other two college aged grandchildren (who saw fil very infrequently in life) both missed at least 4 days of classes to attend all services. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mims Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I've seen people skype funerals. This could honor your dh's wishes without taking days out of her schedule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I would let the adult student decide whether to attend the funeral or, for that matter, any kind of family event during the semester. Taking several days off during the semester is a great burden and puts the student behind. Some students never recover from this - if their class load is heavy, they don't catch back up, even if there are excused absences. They are still responsible for learning the material. As an instructor, I see it happen on a regular basis. I would trust an adult to judge under which circumstances she wants to make that sacrifice. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Is Skyping in a possibility? Missing a couple days of class, as regentrude said, frequently puts students in a hole from which they struggle to recover. Alternatively, could she call and send a lovely card and some flowers as well? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Is there a reason that the funeral is not being held sooner? I've never been to a funeral more than a week after a person passed away. Your daughter has probably already grieved over her grandmother's death. I would not encourage her to take that much time off from classes and expend that much effort. I think that going to the funeral under those circumstances would add stress and not be helpful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My son was not able to attend my dad's funeral because it occurred during the second quarter of his freshman year, he had a very heavy course load, and it would have meant at least three days of missed classes with travel. My dad was in hospice for about two weeks before he passed, and my parents made it very clear that he should not miss school to attend the funeral. He talked to my dad everyday during his time in hospice and was actually the last person to speak to him. My son felt very bad about missing the funeral, but was relieved to not be away from school during a very busy and intense time. Having my husband there was wonderful and a huge help, but I think having my son there would have actually added to my stress because I would have been worried about him missing so much school. Given that it was during winter in the midwest, he could potentially have missed even more than three days, as my flight back home was delayed for a day due to bad weather. Personally, I would leave it up to the student and not pressure them to attend. Knowing my son regularly called and wrote my parents when my dad was still alive meant much more to me than having him at the funeral after my dad died. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 Okay -- how does one Skype a funeral? (I use Skype -- just wondering how one sets up a video-camera discreetly!) The funeral is not being held sooner because of a certain Caribbean vacation (not mine!). I never realized how political setting up a date for a funeral could be! Dd2, the college student, has decided not to attend, but my two kids who have fairly settled adult lives will be there. The other one is unknown -- he will be returning from a job interview 3000 miles away and the transportation logistics are extremely challenging. Yikes! Thanks so much for sharing all of your thoughts. This process of your children becoming adults is difficult -- when do they fully "own" various decisions? When do you pressure them (rarely) and when don't you? (In general I am a "teens and above own their decisions" person, but funerals somehow seem a bit different.....) Hearing others' experiences is really helpful. This funeral issue has been resolved peacefully -- though I'm not looking forward to hearing the extended family's take on a grandchild missing the funeral! (Pass he bean dip!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 The funeral is not being held sooner because of a certain Caribbean vacation (not mine!). I never realized how political setting up a date for a funeral could be! Thank you for answering my nosy question. ;) When my grandmother was on her death bed, my mom scheduled the funeral for the next weekend so that my out-of-state cousins could make arrangements. However, the funeral had to be postponed because Grandma was still alive. :) When the funeral finally happened (the next week), some of my cousins were unable to attend. I remember feeling sorry that they didn't come; I certainly didn't blame them for not trying harder to overcome logistics. Hopefully your relatives will be understanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My apologies Gwen and condolences to you and your family. I assumed as the funeral was in the future that she was in her final days still now. I think it's perfectly fine for college students to miss family occasions. I don't think you'll be needing so much bean dip when the reason the funeral was delayed was due to someone's Caribbean vacation! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Okay -- how does one Skype a funeral? (I use Skype -- just wondering how one sets up a video-camera discreetly!) The funeral is not being held sooner because of a certain Caribbean vacation (not mine!). I never realized how political setting up a date for a funeral could be! I was talking to my priest recently, and he said that waiting for funerals has become increasingly common - waiting for people to be available from away, mostly. His view, and I tend to agree, is that this is largely negative, psychologically, and as it becomes more common it is also becoming more extreme - people will wait half a year or more, or with cremation especially the ashes will sit around because no one wants to make a decision about what to do with them. He worked for a number of years in a First Nations community, and it was very interesting to hear the different way they treated death and funerals compared to the white community he also worked in. As you might guess, the former group would never consider delaying a funeral for a vacation or even work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 We have a large extended family, and in these situations the college kids who can come, do, and the ones who can't, don't. What's important for us is that the *family* is represented, not so much individuals. The sad reality is that there will be more and more of these situations as the years go by, and setting up an "everyone must go" expectation is not realistic in the long run. If your kids are the eldest grands, or the first to go far for college, this can be rough on you, as others have not had to think this through. Try to keep in mind that you are helping not only your own child in this situation, but others in your family who will be in similar situations down the line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 It would be ridiculous to question the nonattendance of a grandchild who would have to miss several days of school when the funeral was delayed to accommodate another person's vacation. I missed my grandmother's funeral to go on vacation. My family had been under stress for months (3 children with different serious/longterm conditions requiring intense intervention) and the vacation was planned and paid for. I went to see my grandmother in the hospital. before she died. I thought she might hang on while I was gone, but she died just before I was to leave. My mother said my family needed that trip and I'd already said goodbye--my presence was not needed. I think your adult dd should decided what she needs to do in regards to this funeral. I don't she should feel guilty about her decision and neither should you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I"m not sure I've ever seen this topic discussed here, and I'd appreciate some thoughts. My MIL's funeral will be in a few weeks, which will be after dd's college starts classes. The funeral will be held approximately 800 miles away from dd's college, and, due to off-the-beaten-track locations, flying to it would involve at least one and probably two layovers and a fair amount of driving on either end. In other words, it's not convenient for dd to attend. (She would not be coming with us due to the college's distance from home.) Dd isn't particularly interested in attending -- we moved 600 miles away from grandparents when she was 7 so she doesn't know her grandmother at all well, and her grandmother has been in ill health for quite a while. On the other hand, there are obviously several strong reasons for her to attend. My dh would like her to attend but isn't adamant about it. Thoughts about how much pressure should be put on an adult child to attend a major family event? Any BTDT thoughts would be helpful. 800 miles is too far. She will miss school and it is very inconvenient. I would not make an issue of it, but would send her any announcement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I would not pressure her. I still have an extended relative who is holding a long term grudge because I did not attend a wedding of a second cousin whom I barely knew in the middle of the second semester of my sophomore year one day after my required sophomore recital for my piano performance major, a recital that was planned well in advance of the wedding and which the mother of the bride new about prior, and requiring a $500.00 plane ticket the next plus skipping an exam in order to attend. The pressures on college students need to be given strong consideration. Additionally, as others have said, she is an adult and needs to make this choice for herself without manipulation or coercion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 As a college student, my son missed the wedding of a dear family friend and his grandfather's memorial service. In both cases, we offered the option of assisting him with the awkward transportation arrangements involved. But he recognized that to attend either he would spend far more time in travel than at the event--and that he would be missing too much school in both situations. Our feeling was that if he truly wanted to be there we would have jumped through hoops to make it happen. But our adult son decided on his priorities. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We,ve had 5 family deaths in the last 2 years, so unfortunately, we have some experience with this. In two, the husbands delayed the funerals, trying to find a time when everyone could come. The husbands were completely shattered and having trouble coping with the arrangements. That ended badly. By the time they discovered that this could not be done and a date set, most of the people were "unable" to come. By then, they had resceduled a month,s worth of plans, assuming it would be in the week following the death, then the one after that, then the next, ... There were many upsets over all this. Another (wife this time) tried to do the same thing but by narrowing down the list of necessary people to immediate family and being willing to wait 6 months, managed to have a nice funeral. It felt rather flat, however, since by then, most people had moved on in their lives. One was within two weeks of the (unexpected) death and very much what one would expect of a funeral. Adult grandchildren flew back from all over or were hauled off ships (complicated to arrange). Vacation plans were abandoned. Everybody and their brother came. Grades were affected but nobody cared. One was a memorial service within the two week of an expected death but the burial was delayed until all the family could be present. And then turned into a party because the urn wasn,t quite done. Which was fine, since the family didn,t want to make a ceremony out of the actual burial. The upshot of all this was that my immediate family now knows how they feel about funerals. We want them to be immediate and include the burial. We want them to have a heroic feeling. You risk losing that if you wait too long. Bagpipes are good grin. There should be a really good party afterwards. If people can come, good. If not, then we will understand. Death isn,t convenient and we aren,t going to try to make it be so. We will haul kids off boats where they are working, if we can, but students are encouraged to stay put and keep studying, unless they are so shattered they won,t be able to study anyway. We let "adults" choose for themselves, but they are given all the information they need to make an informed decision, some of which may make that decision a non-choice. All of this is pretty straightforward except the very last bit. That requires that the key people not make any mistakes with their internal emotional analysis. It is the living that matter. Gwen, I think this is what you are really asking about and I don,t think there is an easy answer. Hugs, Nan 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Thank you all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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