Talk me into or out of an au pair

[MomOfABunch]

I'm seriously considering an au pair. DH works full time and has gone back to school, full time starting in the fall. I work 20ish hours a week and we have 5 kids. This year I worked in the mornings and he worked noon until late with evening classes. That won't work this year. And he's taking on more courses. I have a new job, still 20ish hours a week but mostly late afternoons/weekends. I need someone to watch the kids when I'm not here, 25 hours a week at most, and mothers helper type stuff when I am home. I've been looking at different au pair agencies and they typically work 45 hours a week.

Since she would be in the house, I could get what I really need, which is a mothers helper from 7-8 am during morning/breakfast, 6-8 pm during dinner/bedtime and when I'm working. Doing something with the little boys while I work with the older boys would be very helpful too.

So pros/cons? We would have a bedroom for her if we moved DHs office into our bedroom. Not ideal, but with the schedule he's got going, he will almost never be home to use it.

[Okra]

I would do it!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds like you have a need.  Do you have the funds?  

[MomOfABunch]

Sounds like you have a need. Do you have the funds?

It's cheaper than the 25 hours of childcare I need while I'm at work.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's cheaper than the 25 hours of childcare I need while I'm at work.

Then it sounds like a good match for you.  

[Starr]

I have a friend from Europe that always had an au pair. It worked really well for them. 

[gingersmom]

Worst experience for me.

 

I fired one and the second one was even worse.

[arliemaria]

My sister-in-law had three au pairs while my nephew and niece were growing up.  They were lucky to have a great experience with a young woman and then ended up having her younger sisters come after she had moved on with her life.  There were three girls in the family.  They were from Finland and their parents owned a fish cannery.  They would bring amazing fish with them each visit.  I think each girl came for two or three years.  Their families became good friends.

[MomOfABunch]

Worst experience for me.

 

I fired one and the second one was even worse.

Do you mind sharing why?

[MomOfABunch]

My sister-in-law had three au pairs while my nephew and niece were growing up. They were lucky to have a great experience with a young woman and then ended up having her younger sisters come after she had moved on with her life. There were three girls in the family. They were from Finland and their parents owned a fish cannery. They would bring amazing fish with them each visit. I think each girl came for two or three years. Their families became good friends.

That's a really neat story!

[medawyn]

We had two au pairs while I was growing up; I have fond memories of both.

 

My aunt and uncle also had good experiences. They had two sets of twins within 17 months (plus two other children). She's not sure how she would have survived those early years without the live in help.

 

A reputable agency is really key to placement, from what I hear. No advice on that personally, unfortunately.

[Tsuga]

I know two people who had au pairs and loved it. It wasn't always easy or perfect--it's more of an emotional / family investment--but they felt it was worth it.

 

I have not heard from anyone who had a very bad experience. 

[TechWife]

A reputable agency is really key to placenta, from what I hear.

 

 

Auto correct? 

[medawyn]

Auto correct?

And how! Yikes!

[MomOfABunch]

So before I interview them, I'm supposed to come up with house rules and things to ask them. Any ideas?

[bettyandbob]

My dd has a friend whose family used Au pairs for years. It worked very well for them.

 

These are young women who will be living closely with you. You may have expectations about behavior when working and when not working that you think is obvious. One rule would be no overnight guests.

[Laura Corin]

So before I interview them, I'm supposed to come up with house rules and things to ask them. Any ideas?

 

Think about what it would be like having someone in your house all the time.  If that might feel overwhelming, how would you manage that?  Do you have space for you and the au pair to have private sitting areas (a corner of a bedroom with a TV) for example?

 

Here, part of the Au Pair contract is always English lessons, so how much flexibility are you going to need for the Au Pair's timetable, when s/he has to be 'on call'?

[Alice]

My dd has a friend whose family used Au pairs for years. It worked very well for them.

 

These are young women who will be living closely with you. You may have expectations about behavior when working and when not working that you think is obvious. One rule would be no overnight guests.

 

I would agree with this based on friends who have had au pairs. Do you have a car for them to use? Are they allowed guests? Overnight guests? Is drinking alcohol in your house off-duty allowed? Smoking? 

 

I'd also ask the agency about what medical screening and what happens if the au pair becomes ill. We've had two patients in the past couple of years who had au pairs who became significantly ill. One had tuberculosis and became very sick and had to be hospitalized for quite a long time. The family found themselves somewhat legally and ethically responsible for this girl who they barely knew (she had just arrived). The kids in the family all then had to be on medication for TB exposure for 9 months. There weren't my immediate patients so I don't know all that happened but I know the issues surrounding insurance and payment were quite complicated. There was also a HIPA issue where the hospital wouldn't tell the family what the girl had for quite some time, the family obviously very much wanted to know for their own health reasons. 

 

That's a worst-case scenario so not to scare you but something to think about. I also have friends who have had great experiences with au pairs. 

[TeacherZee]

Use an agency. For your sake and for the au pairs sake.

[Amira]

I've known people who've done this from both sides. The biggest concern I've heard from au pairs/nannies is that their employer expects them to work more than they're actually paying them to work. It can be hard for the children (or parents) to learn that the au pair is not working even though she is sitting right there in the house. If you've hired someone to work about six hours a day, she'll will probably be at your house and not working a lot. It can also be very isolating for them, especially if they are coming from another country. They can also feel a bit trapped in the job. But I've also known a lot of women who love the children they are taking care of and feel like part of the family.

 

I've also known lots of people who've hired live-in help. Cultural differences can be very hard to deal with and also work expectations. It's important to know exactly what working hours means. In the US, if she's on-call and available, she's working, even if you don't actually ask her to do anything. I definitely thinks it's a good idea to go through an agency, although I've seen the process work very well without one. And I agree with Laura- you need to think about how you'll feel about having someone there all the time, not just when she's working. And do decide what your house rules are. A friend of ours from Mexico was hired as an au pair to work in the US because of her religion- it wasn't the same as her employer's, but her employer had said she wanted someone from that religion because of certain lifestyle habits. You are inviting someone to live in your house.

 

Good luck! I think it's a great idea if that makes things work better for your family.

[TeacherZee]

I've known people who've done this from both sides. The biggest concern I've heard from au pairs/nannies is that their employer expects them to work more than they're actually paying them to work. It can be hard for the children (or parents) to learn that the au pair is not working even though she is sitting right there in the house. If you've hired someone to work about six hours a day, she'll will probably be at your house and not working a lot. It can also be very isolating for them, especially if they are coming from another country. They can also feel a bit trapped in the job. But I've also known a lot of women who love the children they are taking care of and feel like part of the family.

 

I've also known lots of people who've hired live-in help. Cultural differences can be very hard to deal with and also work expectations. It's important to know exactly what working hours means. In the US, if she's on-call and available, she's working, even if you don't actually ask her to do anything. I definitely thinks it's a good idea to go through an agency, although I've seen the process work very well without one. And I agree with Laura- you need to think about how you'll feel about having someone there all the time, not just when she's working. And do decide what your house rules are. A friend of ours from Mexico was hired as an au pair to work in the US because of her religion- it wasn't the same as her employer's, but her employer had said she wanted someone from that religion because of certain lifestyle habits. You are inviting someone to live in your house.

 

Good luck! I think it's a great idea if that makes things work better for your family.

 

The bolded is VERY TRUE! I was an au pair (I did NOT go with an organization and I now tell everyone I hear of going to not do what I did). I felt like I was ALWAYS on. The kids would wake me up to help them in the morning even on my days off. So make sure that your kids know when it is okay to ask the au pair and when not.

 

One of my cousins has had several au pairs and she is still in contact with many of them. I had a colleague who was an au pair and she is still in contact with the family, she was just telling me that the little girl she used to look after is about to become a mom herself :)

[KungFuPanda]

Working 40+ hours on top of being "on call" for that many children may prove too stressful for the average au pair. You'd probably need someone with more experience. I do know a family who had an au pair with 5 children (two close in age, then triplets). It worked well for them, but the au pair was a great girl and the mother was home. The children adored her and she was great with them.

 

I also had a friend who went through three au pairs for her only child before they found a good fit. I'd be asking myself is the process worth it if the first placement doesn't work out.

[Sandragood1]

Our friends had one and the absolute work limit was 45 hours per week. No more allowed. No on-call. She was also required to spend a certain amount of time attending classes. Thus a car for her use was required.

[bibiche]

Our friends had one and the absolute work limit was 45 hours per week. No more allowed. No on-call. She was also required to spend a certain amount of time attending classes. Thus a car for her use was required.

Yes. My sister always had au pairs when her children were younger. She has three children, but she and my BIL had demanding hours, so they always had two au pairs at a time to cover the hours they needed. You might still need childcare even with an au pair.

 

From the children's point of view, it was tough: they became very attached to some of the au pairs and it was difficult for them when they left. They have said that they wish they'd had a nanny instead of the revolving door au pairs so they could have had more continuity and less of a sense of loss. Something to consider...

[MyHandsAreFull]

We have had numerous au pairs. If you are in the U.S. and if you are going through an agency, be aware there are a lot of rules.

 

One of the agencies we used would not allow an au pair to watch more than four kids at a time. There were rules about "split shifts" and maximum hours per day (so not just the 45 hr per week limit). Neither of our agencies would have allowed any type of "on call" scenario. Also, the mandatory college credit during their stay can be surprisingly expensive and unless you have decent public transport plan to put them on your car insurance ($$). Finally, find out exactly what happens with your agency if it doesn't work out. It can be very difficult to get your money back and usually you pay a big chunk upfront.

 

After about four years of au pairs, we went back to nannies. It was not all bad--we still keep in touch with a couple of girls (out of at least six or so). But it's not as easy as what the agencies say. You need to go in with eyes wide open.

 

PM me if you want more info; I'm typing on my phone and it's kind of hard.

[Momling]

I've been a local coordinator for an au pair agency - cultural care, and we've had two au pairs. The first was young - 19. Her main purpose in coming was not to do childcare, but to travel and see the world and learn English and drive a car. I totally get that, but we couldn't keep her on. She was lying to us and not actually watching the kids. Years later, she sent me a heartfelt apology... I guess she has kids now herself and realizes how irresponsible she'd been. Our second au pair was a 26 yr old who'd left another family. We were a much better fit and it was perfect. I'd definitely recommend getting an older au pair (after college) rather than a teenager having the first experience out of her parents' home.

[MyHandsAreFull]

I've been a local coordinator for an au pair agency - cultural care, and we've had two au pairs. The first was young - 19. Her main purpose in coming was not to do childcare, but to travel and see the world and learn English and drive a car. I totally get that, but we couldn't keep her on. She was lying to us and not actually watching the kids. Years later, she sent me a heartfelt apology... I guess she has kids now herself and realizes how irresponsible she'd been. Our second au pair was a 26 yr old who'd left another family. We were a much better fit and it was perfect. I'd definitely recommend getting an older au pair (after college) rather than a teenager having the first experience out of her parents' home.

+1 on slightly older au pairs.

 

For one thing, car insurance is much cheaper if they are over 21 and have been driving a few years.

 

Plus the drinking age issue. And a few years of added maturity can really help.

[QueenCat]

So before I interview them, I'm supposed to come up with house rules and things to ask them. Any ideas?

 

By using a reputable agency, you will find that much of this is already set up in the contract. And if not, the agency will guide you in this. They will also guide you on your schedule, and on time off. Reputable agencies are there for both the parents and the au pair. You have to remember that they are hired help, but hired help that you want to form a relationship with.