saw Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 DCs have had the same piano teacher for three years. This year it's only DS8 taking lessons. Tutor is concert pianist, really brilliant, etc and I've always felt lucky to have him teaching dcs. He's also become what I would consider a good friend. In the last six months, he's become increasingly flaky about showing up for lessons. DS is apparently (according to several outside parties) very very talented musically, and is taking lessons twice a week. He's preparing to do an exam in July that is normally taken by children who are much older. Around six months ago tutor began not showing up for lessons. He would just not show. Rarely he would text me the night before or the day of to cancel. As I knew he was very busy, I tried to be understanding and flexible about rearranging. Things got worse. Weeks would go by with no lesson, tutor not showing up, impossible to reschedule. I told him we were switching to once a week. In other matters, I advanced him two months lesson fees because he needed funds for immigration lawyer stuff. Once a week worked sort of for a while, but DS still had no set time for a lesson. Now we're back to tutor not showing up or cancelling at the last minute. He didn't show for ds's Saturday lesson. Rescheduled to Sunday. Didn't show. Rescheduled to today (I told him I would cancel our plans for the morning so DS could have a lesson). He showed up, did not apologize for forgetting Sat and Sun, attitude seemed to be that he was doing us a favor by showing up at all. He made it very clear to DS that his scales were not good (gave him a "test" and told him he scored 25 per cent and that wasn't good). DS is supposed to have two lessons a week, plus two supervised practices with babysitters, who are students of tutor who are (as I'm finding out) not actually doing supervised practiced with DS. If DS were in fact getting all of this, there is no way he would mess up his scales. DS has been practicing scales and doing other practice as well. I'm super-stressed about all of this because he's been really good to my dcs in the past and I hate to switch teachers but I'm also upset at being treated like this (but there's part of me that also says I'm overreacting and it's my fault or ds's fault and we should put up with this). The whole situation has had me in tears several times over the last two days. So ... when do you say, enough is enough, this isn't working? Especially when it's someone you consider(ed) a friend? This isn't normal behaviour for a tutor, right? Most of them show up for scheduled lessons or not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Oh, that teacher would have been fired yesterday in my world. No flipping way would I put up with any more of that. My son was always very good for age at piano and well above most kids at age level. At 8, it was really good for me to take notes in lesson and sit and help him practice. We have never had more than one lesson a week and that has always worked well. Anyway, we have had to switch teachers several times. Ask to pay for a trial lesson. Find out the teachers background - education and otherwise. Ask questions about the other students and what kind of events/exams they prepare for. The one piano teacher we had that was not used to dealing with young precocious kids was not a good fit and it's nice for young musicians to have a peer group. Lessons go best her when they are scheduled weekly at the same time every week. I do not know teachers doin 2x a week. And my kid's current piano teacher is a PhD with an amazing studio of students. We have never had anything like that with a paid music teacher and we have employed 8 over the years between the 2 kids. I might fire or drop wages on babysitters not doing what they agreed to do either. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Oh, I might cancel the exam for this summer and reschedule when you are in a good place with a new teacher. If you want to follow that particular exam system be sure to ask potential teachers about it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Before parting company -- (which I would plan on doing) -- consult parents of other students about their experiences with this man. Something is going on; you just do not know what. It could be ANYTHING. In best scenario, you may need another teacher only temporarily, until the current situation is resolved positively. In worst scenario, you move on. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You are in a business relationship with this man. He is not living up to his end of the relationship--and you are doing *more* than you should be by advancing him lesson fees and rearranging your schedule for him. It is not anyone's fault but his. I would find a new teacher ASAP. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Some weird thing coming up once and he not letting you know can be forgiven, but not that many times. If he has means to text you, then it's easy peasy for him to let you know he is not coming. He is acting very unprofessionally. I know it stinks to have to find someone new. I totally know! I just lost my instructor and I have been pretty bummed. I haven't found anyone yet. Well I have, but nobody that I think is really right for me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Before parting company -- (which I would plan on doing) -- consult parents of other students about their experiences with this man. Something is going on; you just do not know what. It could be ANYTHING. In best scenario, you may need another teacher only temporarily, until the current situation is resolved positively. In worst scenario, you move on. Thanks. This is what is holding me back a bit. I'm privy to a lot of info on the tutor's private life; we've had him and his partner over for dinner, etc etc. I've sent an email to our mutual friend to see if he knows what's up and my older ds is going to follow up. I know tutor has had some difficult stuff going on in his private life (illness, family members he's responsible for) so I've been putting up with a lot on the basis that tutor's life is difficult. But it's making my life super-difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Martha Beth Lewis has tons of info on piano (and chocolate and needlework and …) She stresses that teaching piano is a business, so both the teacher and the student (& parent) should treat it like a business. Here's an article on How to change teachers Here's a section on Business practices in the private music studio. Warning: don't go here unless you have some time to spend! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I think you have been way more than reasonable and understanding about this. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I would get a new tutor. When your favorite restaurant is closed for renovations you don't starve outside waiting for them to re-open. You aren't being a bad friend because you do what is best for your child in this unfortunate situation. It would be nice if you just let your current tutor know that you want to your son to take a music exam and you will need a tutor for him who has the ability to commit. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thanks. This is what is holding me back a bit. I'm privy to a lot of info on the tutor's private life; we've had him and his partner over for dinner, etc etc. I've sent an email to our mutual friend to see if he knows what's up and my older ds is going to follow up. I know tutor has had some difficult stuff going on in his private life (illness, family members he's responsible for) so I've been putting up with a lot on the basis that tutor's life is difficult. But it's making my life super-difficult.Perhaps, then, you might think of withdrawing your son from the man's studio as a way of lightening his stress load. Yes, this reduces his income; however, fewer student responsibilities for the short run (even the longr run) could be helpful in the bigger picture sense. For definite, withdrawing your son will reduce the stress on your family. As your son sounds like a student unusually dedicated for his age, I hope there are other suitable instructor "matches" for him within a reasonable driving distance. Best wishes! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Even if the tutor is going through something personal that is causing him some serious life challenges, he has failed in his business relationship with you. He and you have a contract, whether verbal or written, and he is not living up to his end. I would absolutely NOT allow this to continue. Tell him point blank that you cannot continue to allow sessions to be continually cancelled at the last minute with no warning and you will be looking for another tutor. If he has issues behind the scenes that are causing him to have difficulties making it to lessons, if you feel it necessary then let him know that you sympathize but you are PAYING for a reliable instructor. He is no longer reliable. You absolutely HAVE EVERY RIGHT to find someone else. Do not feel guilty. He is being VERY unprofessional. Do what is best for your son. There are other tutors out there. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You could always say something like, "We are taking a break for a while so you can focus on your other obligations.. Let us know when your schedule settles down, and we will try to get back on it." I would do this only if you really want to go back to this guy. If you want to permanently part ways, just find someone else. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 We changed piano teachers because ours was increasingly forgetful. We loved her so much (she was nearly 90 at the time), but I could tell that the lessons were going downhill a bit, and then she began forgetting. Even if I called her before we left (it was 30 minutes away), she'd go to the store or come to the door in her nightclothes wondering why we were there. I told her that we were going to take a break from piano with her over the summer, and then we started with a new teacher that was 10 minutes away. That gave us time to make sure that we really wanted to stay with the new teacher and work out what I was going to say. In August I went by her house with flowers and told her that we had decided to pick a teacher closer to home because we were busy. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's shortly after that and is still teaching a few students but has a full-time caregiver who keeps her schedule. Frankly it was just time to move on though. Sometimes you just have to make the hard decision. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You could always say something like, "We are taking a break for a while so you can focus on your other obligations.. Let us know when your schedule settles down, and we will try to get back on it." I would do this only if you really want to go back to this guy. If you want to permanently part ways, just find someone else. I personally would not do this unless you really love this teacher and are pretty sure he's going to bounce back from whatever has him forgetful. It is hard switching and adjusting to new teachers and I think even more so for kids that are doing well. Every teacher has their method for introducing things and priorities. We've been with our current piano teacher about 7 years (after switching from another) and the first 6 months were pretty touch and go. He took us back to much easier pieces and almost started from the ground up. At the time my son was 7-8 and was playing well and getting a lot of kudos. But once we got past that initial period, his technqiue was actually MUCH better and it was worth the hassle of jumping through the new teacher's hoops. Going back and forth would be hard. We had a similar experience when my dd had to switch violin teachers. Really tough adjustment period, but now we've been with the same teacher for a long time. I think it's good to know that if you've done your homework and you've picked a reputable teacher that seems to click personality wise, you still might have some adjustment period going in where progress might seem slow and you might be learning about expectations. My son is actually starting with a new piano teacher in July. Our current teacher is retiring. Nervous about it, but now that he is 14, I do sit in and take notes for him but it's much more "his deal" now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's really a tough situation for you. The main thing I see is that you have not created this, rather the teacher has (even if there are events in his life that have been difficult and beyond his control). He still has the responsibility of dealing professionally with his clients, no matter what age and level they are, no matter whether the parents are friends or not. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. That being said, the classical music world is small, and dropping one teacher (who is well-known and highly regarded) could potentially put you in an uncomfortable position for your ds's future music education. It's a shame all round. Were I you, I'd probably try to salvage the situation with the current teacher first, before actively seeking a new teacher. I'd talk to him in person (on the phone or face to face) and suggest that as it stands, this situation needs to be resolved for the benefit of everyone. He's probably not enjoying his own situation, but he has to understand its effect on his students. If he really needs lesson money, then he needs to be more reliable. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's really a tough situation for you. The main thing I see is that you have not created this, rather the teacher has (even if there are events in his life that have been difficult and beyond his control). He still has the responsibility of dealing professionally with his clients, no matter what age and level they are, no matter whether the parents are friends or not. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. That being said, the classical music world is small, and dropping one teacher (who is well-known and highly regarded) could potentially put you in an uncomfortable position for your ds's future music education. It's a shame all round. Were I you, I'd probably try to salvage the situation with the current teacher first, before actively seeking a new teacher. I'd talk to him in person (on the phone or face to face) and suggest that as it stands, this situation needs to be resolved for the benefit of everyone. He's probably not enjoying his own situation, but he has to understand its effect on his students. If he really needs lesson money, then he needs to be more reliable. No responsible, professional musician is going to blame the student for this, or harbor any negativity toward the student. I spent many years in "the classical music world". Although there are ethics and norms for how and when to change teachers, this mother already has displayed more than the required or expected sensitivity to the teacher, who clearly has massive troubles of his own. If the current teacher possesses any degree of good standing among the music community, I seriously doubt that the man's current struggles are wholly unknown [among the music community]. Things "get around." The family safely may audition for a replacement teacher. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 No responsible, professional musician is going to blame the student for this, or harbor any negativity toward the student. I spent many years in "the classical music world". Although there are ethics and norms for how and when to change teachers, this mother already has displayed more than the required or expected sensitivity to the teacher, who clearly has massive troubles of his own. If the current teacher possesses any degree of good standing among the music community, I seriously doubt that the man's current struggles are wholly unknown [among the music community]. Things "get around." The family safely may audition for a replacement teacher. Absolutely agree with this. It isn't unusual to switch teachers after a time for various reasons. It is possible to get a reputation as a teacher hopper or difficult to work with, but that does not at all apply to this situation. I would resign respectfully from the current teacher carrying out my end of the contract (if any) and I would tell new teachers I'm auditioning "Our and our previous teacher's schedules weren't aligning and we weren't getting very many lessons in." for the reason for the switch. I wouldn't bad mouth the old teacher by any stretch. We are at a large music school in a large music community. It isn't unusual for more committed music kids to switch after a number of years even just to get a different perspective. In some cases, it does have to do with schedule. Especially for tweens/teens. Our (PhD holding, performing) teacher has a number of excellent kids that are now with other teachers that he crosses paths with regularly. It's professionally done and not that big deal at all. He actually just invited his whole studio to a graduation recital for one of his old students who has been with another teacher for several years. It is possible to move on gracefully without burning bridges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Martha Beth Lewis has tons of info on piano (and chocolate and needlework and …) She stresses that teaching piano is a business, so both the teacher and the student (& parent) should treat it like a business. Here's an article on How to change teachers Here's a section on Business practices in the private music studio. Warning: don't go here unless you have some time to spend! This is a fantastic website. Thanks for posting! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Absolutely agree with this. It isn't unusual to switch teachers after a time for various reasons. It is possible to get a reputation as a teacher hopper or difficult to work with, but that does not at all apply to this situation. I would resign respectfully from the current teacher carrying out my end of the contract (if any) and I would tell new teachers I'm auditioning "Our and our previous teacher's schedules weren't aligning and we weren't getting very many lessons in." for the reason for the switch. I wouldn't bad mouth the old teacher by any stretch. Agree with this and Orthodox's comments, although switching teachers 2 months before an exam would not be optimal for the student, I wouldn't think. If the situation with the current can't be improved, then it might be the only option going to someone else. You'd have to quickly find an appropriate teacher willing to take on a student this late in the year. Finding a good fit in a short amount of time seems really stressful. Just adds to the unfortunate situation for this family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm puzzled by "late in the year." I never had summer breaks from viola and piano instruction. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 This close to the exam I would hesitate to fire him because of the impact it could have on you ds and his performance on the exam. But because of the poor attitude of the teacher you need to make sure all the needed elements are there for the exam. Need to make sure your son has been prepared. Not sure how to do that without getting another teacher onboard unless you have the expertise yourself. I am just not sure that you have time to switch and do the exam. After the exam formally stop for a break and locate a new teacher if you still need to. Also read your contract with this tutor now so you know how to handle the break without needing to pay for months. Friends have discovered some surprises in their contracts. ETA. I think the exam in question is ABRSMhttp://gb.abrsm.org/en/exam-booking/exam-dates-and-fees/ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I haven't read all the pp's, but in your original post you said you consider this man a friend, as well as your ds's teacher. In the case that he is a friend, I would try to meet and talk with him about what's going on. Tell him what you put in your original post about being concerned/frustrated with all the canceling/not showing up for lessons. You can either figure out something to be able to continue with him, or not and let him know you're going to need to switch teachers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I agree with the previous poster who suggested speaking to the teacher, as a friend. Let him know the current arrangement is not working for your family and if you want to continue with him and feel he works well with your ds (though from your post it seems he doesn't) suggest solutions that may make the situation better for you (ie. a text if not going to show at the very least). If he isn't working well with your ds, I'd find a new teacher and let him know these are the reasons you need to find a more reliable teacher. One of the people who helps dd with her music, not a regular teacher, can at times be a bit flaky with lessons. My dd really loves this person and they have a great rapport so I figured out that texting her the day of the lessons "to confirm" helped. Either she'd text back to let me know something came up or would remember the lesson. Either way I wasn't waiting around for a lesson that wasn't going to happen. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm puzzled by "late in the year." I never had summer breaks from viola and piano instruction. Most music schools and private teachers in our area formulate their year roughly around the school calendar, and take summer breaks. Often teachers travel during this time, so even if students wanted to continue lessons, they wouldn't be able to with their studio teacher. This is my experience with the numerous teachers we've been working with for the last 10 years. There are some families that continue with lessons (making time for travel breaks), but it is not the norm of most families and certainly not music schools. Music schools often organize summer camps, so their normal weekly sessions do not continue throughout the summer. I guess in this specific case of the OP, it's more of a "late in the exam preparation process" rather than late in the year - though the exam preparation for us (Royal Conservatory of Canada) does take a year, so it's really the same thing. Switching teachers 2 months before a major event would probably not normally be optimal, however it may be a big improvement from the current situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Even if you don't stop over the summer, you will probably pick up more new students at the beginning of the school year. So "late in the school year" makes sense. But continued missing of appointments is a justification for tactfully leaving at any time of the school year. I think "I statements" are good for this. Well, a "we" statement. "Our family is in need of a lot of structure right now. We know you're busy with work and that you are doing the best you can for us, but right now we need to really make sure that we are getting these lessons in without delay. We understand that we'll lose some of your instructional talent but we've decided we need to prioritize the structure of the schedule right now. We are very grateful for the time we've had with you and look forward to seeing you and your family around. Thank you for your understanding." This is true, it probably only wavers on the "right now" and is ambiguous about "our family" (really most people need this) but otherwise I think it is totally fair and also does not put any blame on the instructor during this busy time of his life. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thanks all for the very helpful comments and viewpoints. This helps me clarify where I am in my own mind on this. To give a bit more background, C is a good friend, or has been, and last year went out of his way to help older DS and has been there for us on several occasions. We had this issue with missing lessons about six months ago, I talked to him about it, reduced the lesson load, changed the days of the lessons (basically went ad hoc), etc. It helped a bit as far as not missing lessons, but now it seems things are going off again. I think there may well be more going on (C's life is a soap opera, I kid you not) and will ask about it. I know he's been grumpy with DS8, because DS8 has been difficult. To be fair to DS8, though, he is 8, and he is also very confused by the missed lessons and never knowing what's going to happen (DS has issues with abandonment and people not been reliable (adopted)). I can either tell him he has a lesson and take the risk that he feels abandoned, or not tell him he has a lesson and take the risk that he's not mentally prepared to do a lesson. Posters are right that it's not good to switch right before an exam. This is the ABRSM Grade 5, which is very important in terms of getting music scholarships later on. DS is music scholarship to senior school caliber, and that may be his way in to a good school (single parent, have to work, xdh has no job, etc etc, so no more homeschooling for me). If I don't get DS more teaching, he will fail or (worse) scrape a poor pass. If I do get DS more teaching, he has a chance of doing well. I play but cannot do much more than say, hmm, that sounds weird, try it again. The other issue is that I've been counting on C writing DDs recommendations. He's getting to be quite well known, so recs from him would be brilliant. I don't want to rock that boat if possible. Thank you all. I see that this behaviour is unacceptable, and that I have a few ways to deal with it. I will give the suggestions some thought today and tomorrow and make a plan. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Most music schools and private teachers in our area formulate their year roughly around the school calendar, and take summer breaks. Often teachers travel during this time, so even if students wanted to continue lessons, they wouldn't be able to with their studio teacher. This is my experience with the numerous teachers we've been working with for the last 10 years. There are some families that continue with lessons (making time for travel breaks), but it is not the norm of most families and certainly not music schools. Music schools often organize summer camps, so their normal weekly sessions do not continue throughout the summer. I guess in this specific case of the OP, it's more of a "late in the exam preparation process" rather than late in the year - though the exam preparation for us (Royal Conservator of Canada) does take a year, so it's really the same thing. Switching teachers 2 months before a major event would probably not normally be optimal, however it may be a big improvement from the current situation. Thank you for explaining! Neither I nor dd have studied at a "school", so the "rhythm" has been different. My viola teacher played with a major symphony, and DD's violin teacher is a free-lance professional and plays with various area groups. I think teachers in these circumstances rely on year-round income. They take vacations, but of the 1-2 week length. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you for explaining! Neither I nor dd have studied at a "school", so the "rhythm" has been different. My viola teacher played with a major symphony, and DD's violin teacher is a free-lance professional and plays with various area groups. I think teachers in these circumstances rely on year-round income. They take vacations, but of the 1-2 week length. Every place is different too. My kids have 4 music teachers between the 2 of them. 2 of the teachers are at a large music school. We have a fall and a spring semester we pay for more on a school calendar. But both teach over the summer on a more flexible schedule. We're actually required to sign up for a minimum of 8 weeks of lesson over the summer. People start there year round - they just pro-rate for the number of lessons taken for that "term". That school offers dozens of camps, but do not close up shop to private lessons at all. Our other 2 teachers teach out of a very small studio as contractors. We pay them 8 lessons at a time year round. There is no regular calendar. Scheduling is much more flexible, but we have a set weekly time we typically stick to. We still take lessons in the summer, but the schedule may be a little more irregular due to their performing schedules and our schedule. Even that tiny studio has a few summer camp offerings. That said, all those teachers show up for lessons when I expect them to. In 9+ years of lessons and various teachers only like 2-3 times have we shown up for a lesson and there's been a mix up and the teacher does not show. I would definitely be cancelling the exam if prep is not going well at this point, even if it's at a financial loss. I would completely put that on the back burner until we were well established with a new teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Our times are pretty regular, except during opera season. We are immeasurably blessed to have DD studyng with this particular teacher. She is a personal friend as well as an outstanding musician. We sing together once a month at a Slavonic language church service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I would say, "The inconsistent scheduling isn't working for us. I realize things have been tough for you, but I don't want my son's progress to stagnate. Do you see yourself being able to keep up with our original schedule, or should we start looking for another teacher?" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thanks all for the very helpful comments and viewpoints. This helps me clarify where I am in my own mind on this. To give a bit more background, C is a good friend, or has been, and last year went out of his way to help older DS and has been there for us on several occasions. We had this issue with missing lessons about six months ago, I talked to him about it, reduced the lesson load, changed the days of the lessons (basically went ad hoc), etc. It helped a bit as far as not missing lessons, but now it seems things are going off again. I think there may well be more going on (C's life is a soap opera, I kid you not) and will ask about it. I know he's been grumpy with DS8, because DS8 has been difficult. To be fair to DS8, though, he is 8, and he is also very confused by the missed lessons and never knowing what's going to happen (DS has issues with abandonment and people not been reliable (adopted)). I can either tell him he has a lesson and take the risk that he feels abandoned, or not tell him he has a lesson and take the risk that he's not mentally prepared to do a lesson. Posters are right that it's not good to switch right before an exam. This is the ABRSM Grade 5, which is very important in terms of getting music scholarships later on. DS is music scholarship to senior school caliber, and that may be his way in to a good school (single parent, have to work, xdh has no job, etc etc, so no more homeschooling for me). If I don't get DS more teaching, he will fail or (worse) scrape a poor pass. If I do get DS more teaching, he has a chance of doing well. I play but cannot do much more than say, hmm, that sounds weird, try it again. The other issue is that I've been counting on C writing DDs recommendations. He's getting to be quite well known, so recs from him would be brilliant. I don't want to rock that boat if possible. Thank you all. I see that this behaviour is unacceptable, and that I have a few ways to deal with it. I will give the suggestions some thought today and tomorrow and make a plan. ((hugs)) Hope you can find a positive solution for you and your ds. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Grade 5 at age 8 is very exceptional. Your ds is very talented. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Once you advance some people money they quit working for it and take up the "I'm doing you a favor" attitude for any work done. I've learned this lesson the hard way. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Once you advance some people money they quit working for it and take up the "I'm doing you a favor" attitude for any work done. I've learned this lesson the hard way. That reminds me of a saying my tennis pro told me when I tried to pay him BEFORE the lesson and he refused, he said "Never pay the mariachi band before they play." He's from Mexico. I thought I was being kind and showing my trust that he'd do a great job, but he said it was better to show your appreciation after the lesson. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Thank you for explaining! Neither I nor dd have studied at a "school", so the "rhythm" has been different. My viola teacher played with a major symphony, and DD's violin teacher is a free-lance professional and plays with various area groups. I think teachers in these circumstances rely on year-round income. They take vacations, but of the 1-2 week length. Here it is very common for people to not have lessons in summer, even with private teachers. Everyone's scheduled changes, so it would not likely be sensible to assume people will be available at the same time - even two weeks that don't line up for teacher and student means at least one month of break, and a pain in making up a regular schedule. And then kids may be in camp or playing summer sports, and lots of musicians seem to travel in summers because their work commitments are different - the symphony here takes a break in summer, it even becomes a problem for my daughters' choir to schedule its show at the end of the year because the kids whose parents are musicians tend to take off the moment school is out. My dd is with a private teacher and while they could meet in the summer at least some time, he thinks its better for kids to take a break and play for fun and spend time outdoors. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 So ... if anyone is interested, here's what happened. This the short version. C had figured out that I had been interviewing possible replacement teachers (since I had paid him in advance for 8 lessons I wanted to get my money's worth of lessons but not be stuck with a gap in teachers). He had sent a very nice email saying he could understand why I would be looking for other teachers in light of the unreliability but that he was committed to giving lessons to my son but would be happy to recommend other teachers if we wanted to go that route. This was after he had been super-negative to my son in a couple of lessons, being downright nasty about his playing and bringing in his boyfriend to be nasty with him (C: is this a pass? C2: no it's a fail). My 8 yo son was very stressed about the exam and the threat of failure. At this point I realized that the teaching had gone way downhill and was damaging DS's confidence. In response to the email, I sent a very gently-worded email saying that I realized C is very very busy and has a big concert abroad coming up, so I thought that it would be best to postpone future lessons until after the concert or until the fall when his schedule is calmer. We could then see what works out. I asked if he could recommend teachers as I would appreciate that. I got an incredibly nasty email in response. C was "offended" that I would consider not keeping him on as a teacher. He recommended other teachers but said they would be unlikely to take DS on because of his behaviour. It was unpleasant and unbelievably arrogant. So awful that I'm more confused than upset, as this is someone I considered a close friend. The backstory is that C had lied to a colleague, telling him he was sick in bed and couldn't rehearse (this was two hours after not showing up) but came to our place to give DS a lesson a couple of hours later. Colleague is a teacher of my other ds, we chatted to arrange a lesson for other ds, subject of piano etc came up, stories were compared and the discovery was made. Colleague spoke with C, called him out for lying and apparently got really angry (C has missed multiple rehearsals, keeps lying about the reasons). So I suspect that C is partly blaming me for ratting him out. I think C may have been drinking when he sent the email as he has been drinking a lot lately. So ... I've drafted a civilized but not particularly warm or kind email in response. I won't stoop to his level and be nasty, much as I want to. I will however stand up for myself. I'll sleep on it. But right now I'm really confused and upset as this is someone I really really liked and trusted. I hate it when stuff like this happens. I'm not sure what's going on, but a mutual friend and I think there may be some instability/bad influences behind the scenes. DS will not take the exam until the fall. The goal now is to restore his self-confidence and joy in playing piano. Once that is set, he can take an exam and have fun doing so. Argh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 You know, this is probably for the best.....it really sounds like your life will be much calmer and organized with a different teacher. There are many good piano teachers out there! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.