Kathryn Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 DS attends a special karate program for autistic children. He is one of the higher functioning children there. Another mom there has a very low functioning, non-verbal son. Whenever I take DS, she spends the entire time asking me questions about what I do/did with DS and lamenting that she didn't do those things and maybe if she did her son would be higher functioning. Of course, I reassure her, but it's very frustrating to deal with twice a week. Also, she is from a foreign country and has a very thick accent and I have to concentrate very hard to understand what she is saying. I've tried being busy reading or watching DS or caring for my other children, but it hasn't stopped her. She's very nice, but I don't want to keep having conversations about how if she had done x that I did, her son would be like my son. So, I've had DH take him for about the past month. He just texted me: "I'm really sorry! That lady that's your friend She wanted your number to talk" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 OMG! Did he give her your number?! ETA: I'm sorry, as an introvert who dreads talking on the phone, I feel your pain. I can't even imagine. My DH would be in so much trouble. I think I would just never answer, and then go to karate one more time and tell her you really don't talk on the phone much, you're just soooo busy, running and getting the baby to sleep and... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Just don't answer the phone when she calls. Signed, An Introvert Who Never Answers the Phone Unless I Have To 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I'd like to think my husband wouldn't give out my number under those circumstances ... What country/region of the world is she from? I'm wondering if cultural factors are influencing her behavior, and if so, if there are culturally appropriate ways to let her know that she needs to stop it. (She may not be getting your polite American hints.) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh no! I'm sorry. It would be really hard to say no to giving the phone number. I'm not sure I could figure out a nice way to do it. I wouldn't answer the phone. And then, maybe text back (assuming she's using a cell phone) and say "sorry I missed your call, can't talk right now, see you at class." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Yes, I'm a huge introvert and I'm fuming. He gave her my number. She is from India. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I'm sorry for her and for you. It can't be easy for either of you. :( 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Did your DH know about the issue with this woman before he gave her your number? If he did, I'd be asking how HE would like it if I gave his number to <<insert name of whichever annoying acquaintance/relative he tries to avoid>>. I'm sure she's worried and needs to talk, but it's OK for you to not want to be her sounding board anymore, especially if you've already had numerous similar conversations. You may have to be rather blunt with her. "I'm sorry, but when DS is in class is the only chance I have to grab a little quiet time for myself. I really need the break from thinking and talking about autism. I hope you understand. I'm just going to lose myself in this book for now." Then I'd go get a drink of water/go to the restroom and find a different seat when I came back. And hope she finds another parent to befriend. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh no. I feel really bad for her and for you. She sounds like she just needs a support system. Is there anywhere you can pawn her off on that might actually be useful? Like, a support group or something? 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I've tried giving her names and numbers of organizations. It's the same conversation over and over. She asks what medication my son is on (that is for issues her son doesn't have) . She asks about the allergies he used to have (and says maybe if she had avoided those things with her son, he'd be higher functioning). She asks about speech therapy (again, our sons have very different issues). She asks about homeschooling. I've told her everything I can but I really don't know how it works with a low functioning child. I did give her the name of a group that could answer her questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 She sounds really isolated and lonely. I'll bet it's not just about the autism--it's about being in a foreign country by herself, dealing with great challenges beyond that. It must be hard for her to make friends even in the expat community because of her son's difficulties. Very tough spot for you, for sure. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 It is okay to say "I don't want to talk about this anymore". Perhaps have a paper prepared with the name and number of the group you mentioned. "This group can answer your questions." Sorry about the phone number thing. I never give a number out. If someone insists I will pass their number along but not give out a number. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I do feel bad for her. She doesn't seem to understand what autism is or how to deal with it. Her husband does not seem very helpful. I just can't give her what she seems to be looking for: the magic answer. I have a really hard time understanding her and I feel bad when I have to keep asking her to repeat herself. It would be much worse if I can't see her while she's speaking. I'm horrible at saying no to people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 You may have to be very blunt and just tell her "Our kids' issues are really so different; I don't want to inadvertently give you bad advice. Please contact [organization] for better help than I can give you." Then, as a pp said, excuse yourself to the restroom and then busy yourself elsewhere. If she continues to approach you, you could say "I'm sorry, I can't help you, and I have some [paperwork, reading, whatever] to get done. I had this problem in a class once. I ended up spending the class time sitting in my car to avoid the questions. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 You may have to be very blunt and just tell her "Our kids' issues are really so different; I don't want to inadvertently give you bad advice. Please contact [organization] for better help than I can give you." Then, as a pp said, excuse yourself to the restroom and then busy yourself elsewhere. If she continues to approach you, you could say "I'm sorry, I can't help you, and I have some [paperwork, reading, whatever] to get done. I had this problem in a class once. I ended up spending the class time sitting in my car to avoid the questions. This is a much better response than I offered. I like the suggestion about redirecting her to organizations that may be able to help. I know you said you have done that. Maybe with repetition, she will get more comfortable with the idea about contacting them. Difficult situation all around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 See, I don't think this will work because I don't think the real problem is just the autism. She seems like she wants someone to talk to and she can't think of anything else to talk about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Block the number in your phone. So easy to do. Then you Don't even know she's called. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Sounds rough! and my husband would be in trouble! My other thought besides she is lonely and in pain over her inability to fix her son is that she is getting stuck on only one conversation with you and not reading your vibes...maybe she has Aspergers tendancies??? My son has Aspergers and when we go to certain places he has certain people that he has a certain repetitive conversation with. They tolerate it (they are all adults) because he is little and cute. I am not saying she has Aspergers, but it just reminded me of my son! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I'm familiar with the culture and I know what you're talking about. :grouphug: It's a culture where people like to share resources and get as much info from others as possible. Personal boundaries are different. Total strangers would ask me, when I met them, why I was not married yet. :o In this culture there's a very high importance placed on medical professionals but people in India don't really use support groups and such. Can you give her the name and number of a doctor you've used? Maybe a pediatrician or someone else? If she can go there and a doctor can tell her what's up she will respect that and will feel like you've shared one of the "magical" things you've done for your DS. I hate even having to say this, but you can can also use the authority of your husband. If you tell her your husband has asked you not to talk about it with anyone outside the family, that should do the trick. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 She is from India. This reminds me of the mother from India who has been teaching her autistic son (low functioning) and now teaches her methods to others. Her name is Soma Mukhopadhyay, and she has a website. It looks like there is a forum, but there is a paid membership required. She and her son are both published authors. I wonder if the lady from karate has ever heard about Soma and her son? (The CNN website also has a story about them.) Here's the CNN article: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/28/Tito.autism/index.html (I couldn't get the video to work for me, though.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 She is most likely on the spectrum herself, since she is unable to pick up on your reluctance to keep discussing the subject. Just be blunt, give her the contact info for your state Autism Society and say that you really do not want to discuss it any longer. Repeat as needed. Or - copy and paste and make a sheet with all the contact info on it and give it to her while saying "I can not discuss this any longer." I agree with others who say tell her your hubby (who she has now met) doesn't want you discussing your child any longer (make sure he knows this!) My son with autism is 23 now. Been there, done that. Still get occasional phone calls from newbies, refer them to both our state Autism Society and our (old) webpage http://www.autismnews.net/ Good luck. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Write it out, give it to her, tell her it is not something you wish to talk about any further. I think being blunt is the way to go. If that doesn't work, go the block route...... but given she is likely on the spectrum herself, I'd try to avoid blocking until she has fair warning that you indeed do not wish to continue. She probably has no idea how stressful this is for you. I'm sorry, that sounds hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Do you not want to talk to her at all, or just not about this? Would it be possible to say something like, "Gosh, we've talked so much about the kids and treatment ideas and I just need to think about something else. Tell me about you and where you're from." She sounds lonely. Maybe it'd help? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I would be really frustrated. Just give us your husband's number. :laugh: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you ALL for the advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Ummmm, I did a really bad thing once :leaving: .... I got very tired of talking to the same lady at DD's cheer group so I took my phone with earbuds and faked listening to a book a couple weeks in a row. I always apologized and made excuses why I just had to finish it.... she eventually found someone else to chat at. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm familiar with the culture and I know what you're talking about. :grouphug: It's a culture where people like to share resources and get as much info from others as possible. Personal boundaries are different. Total strangers would ask me, when I met them, why I was not married yet. :o In this culture there's a very high importance placed on medical professionals but people in India don't really use support groups and such. Can you give her the name and number of a doctor you've used? Maybe a pediatrician or someone else? If she can go there and a doctor can tell her what's up she will respect that and will feel like you've shared one of the "magical" things you've done for your DS. I hate even having to say this, but you can can also use the authority of your husband. If you tell her your husband has asked you not to talk about it with anyone outside the family, that should do the trick. This sounds very much like my limited experience with Indian families. I had an Indian work friend, but she didn't drive, and then I gave birth to a very difficult baby (to be diagnosed with ASD later). I was very sad to lose touch because of time and logistics--she would have been a very kind and loyal friend even though it was a bit of work to relate sometimes. I think it's okay to tell her that it really makes you feel anxious to talk about autism all the time, and that you'd rather talk about something else. Perhaps there is something you can ask her advice or expertise about to change the topic. I love the idea of giving her resources backed up by a person her culture would find authoritative. Talking to another mom at an autism-specific activity is kind of an informal support group, so I totally understand why she would think it's okay to talk with you if that's what people in her culture typically do. I'm not from another country, but I am from a region of the US where people are apt to use proximity (esp. in a common activity) as a way to find common ground and to form support systems. I realize she's gone a little past that by persisting, but that's what desperate people do. OP, Please resist the idea that she is relating to you this way because she has autism herself unless you know for sure. Being a SN mom myself who has been in need of support at times that were inconvenient for others, I think that's a rather handy way to marginalize someone and also insinuates that further conversations with her are doomed just because she might have a developmental difference. I don't mean to suggest that the people making this suggestion are trying to be rude, but all kinds of very nice, socially astute people find themselves in extreme circumstances without support. Many times because of a move or other circumstances beyond their control. It's not fun. The typical suggestion on this board for making new friends is...meet them at your children's activities. (And yes, I get that no one means you should corner people into talking to you about a stressful topic, but she is clearly very needy right now.) And I'll just be honest here, I realize that not everyone who has been through a particular experience or who has expertise in an area wants to be the authority and go-to person all the time, but it's very disheartening for me to hear how people feel about "newbies" and such in any context, not just this one. We've all been "that person" at some point in some area of life, even if it's at a new job, and none of us wanted to be. I've had friends that I thought for sure were going to suck me under with negativity, but I also know how negative it feels to be marginalized, even if no one intends to marginalize me. I hope you are able to find a way to resolve the situation. I don't think it's wrong to be frustrated with the situation either. Best wishes. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I would be miffed at my DH too. That said, I can't imagine living in the Indian culture with an autistic child. That poor woman! Trying to come to terms with the diagnosis in a culture where it is disgraceful to fail must be challenging. How do you find resources when it isn't okay to admit that your child can not uphold the traditional exceptionally high social standards and/or educational expectations? And if she believes in karma...Oh, my heart just breaks for her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Wrong thread. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Do you know anyone else who is from her home country? Sounds like she is seeking friendship along with her concerns for her child. I would try to hook her up with someone (or a organization, club, cultural event) from her home country to help her adjust. And offer up support group info the same way I would pass the dip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 He's not recently diagnosed. They lived in another state before and moved here for services. The wait list for ABA services through the state is 1.5 to 2 years and her son just started about two months ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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