momofkhm Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Sorry, ladies, this post was causing issues so I deleted it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I'd personally not limit what friend can do in regards to TV and the like but I would state I am not willing to fund it. As long as your DD isn't funding her friend's over the top wants, it will probably boil over and simmer down soon. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Back in the day, I remember thinking buying matching comforters for the room was a big deal. Have dd make a list of the things she doesn't want and tel her to say " I can't pay for that and my mom won't contribute." Just tell her to blame you. I would not fund TV at all. All kinds of media is available through the computer. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My kids only know gamers with tvs :lol: They want to split the price of the TV? That won't work because then who gets it permanently? The person who wants an item buys the item (soft furnishings are different). I hope dd and the friend have a good year. It's going to be quite the adjustment for the friend to share a room :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epicurean Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I hope that your DD's friend is going to college in another town. A one-time "Let's include my little sister!" gesture is tolerable, but if they're local, your DD is going to have an eleven year old coming by her room all the time. Also, I suspect that DD's friend is going to try to use DD as a chauffeur throughout the year. Your DD needs to think of how to politely respond to that up front so that there are boundaries and no false expectations. Your DD should not have to pay for the TV or the plan. But be sure to tell your DD to stream her shows instead of requesting to watch them on the big TV, so the waters aren't muddied. Not to sound like a pessimist, but my experience with roommates has been, how they act up front is just a tip of the iceberg to how they'll act when you're living with them 24/7. Sometimes, great friends do not make great roommates. Flexibility is so, so important to getting along in a small space. But maybe I should keep quiet, if it's too late to jump ship. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I agree with PP. Your DD should make clear she is not funding the TV plan - but whether the room mate gets a TV or not is not your DD's decision. It will sort itself out. If it's not a big deal to your DD, that's great - let her be and accept that the friend is going overboard, even if it drives you nuts and you think it's unfair. I would be more concerned about compatibility in terms of habits and lifestyle, but not decor. Btw, I am somewhat amused at the friend's delusion of having so much free time in college that a TV plan would be worth while... 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I tend to think this requires a little more front-on approach than others are suggesting, just so the girls gets expectations settled before the year begins. While I would not get involved directly unless my daughter asked me to do so, I would counsel my daughter to try arranging a time to meet with her friend/roommate alone (without mom and the little sister) and just explain that she feels like she's getting steamrolled a bit, that she has no interest in and can't/won't share expenses for the TV, etc. Try to leave it on a positive note, that she's looking forward to their year together and wants the room to be pretty and comfortable for both of them, but she needs to have an equal voice in the arrangements. (Or whatever variation of that is consistent with her feelings and concerns.) I would counsel her to have notes available to make sure she gets her major points covered, stay calm and positive, and then maybe go out for ice cream or more shopping with just the two girls. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 While I don't think your dd should have to fund the TV plan, if she watches anything on it, is the mom going to come back asking for participation? I'm glad dd isn't going to college and rooming with a best friend. It might end the friendship if it doesn't go well. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 I hope that your DD's friend is going to college in another town. A one-time "Let's include my little sister!" gesture is tolerable, but if they're local, your DD is going to have an eleven year old coming by her room all the time. Also, I suspect that DD's friend is going to try to use DD as a chauffeur throughout the year. Your DD needs to think of how to politely respond to that up front so that there are boundaries and no false expectations. Your DD should not have to pay for the TV or the plan. But be sure to tell your DD to stream her shows instead of requesting to watch them on the big TV, so the waters aren't muddied. Not to sound like a pessimist, but my experience with roommates has been, how they act up front is just a tip of the iceberg to how they'll act when you're living with them 24/7. Sometimes, great friends do not make great roommates. Flexibility is so, so important to getting along in a small space. But maybe I should keep quiet, if it's too late to jump ship. DD will not be a chauffer. We're not letting her take a car to school. I hadn't thought of little sis coming to the room. They are only 20 minutes form campus. That last bit is my fear as well... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 I tend to think this requires a little more front-on approach than others are suggesting, just so the girls gets expectations settled before the year begins. While I would not get involved directly unless my daughter asked me to do so, I would counsel my daughter to try arranging a time to meet with her friend/roommate alone (without mom and the little sister) and just explain that she feels like she's getting steamrolled a bit, that she has no interest in and can't/won't share expenses for the TV, etc. Try to leave it on a positive note, that she's looking forward to their year together and wants the room to be pretty and comfortable for both of them, but she needs to have an equal voice in the arrangements. (Or whatever variation of that is consistent with her feelings and concerns.) I would counsel her to have notes available to make sure she gets her major points covered, stay calm and positive, and then maybe go out for ice cream or more shopping with just the two girls. Good ideas! I think they are meeting this weekend. I may suggest they sit in the coffee shop before shopping. But again, the mom and little sister thing... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Is this the first child the mom has sent to college? Maybe you clue her in on the social and activity aspects and encourage planning on getting out of the room, rather than staying in to watch tv or videogame. Yep. Funny thing is that the dad works at this particular school! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I've lived with best friends previously (not college roommates, but similar situation - we shared a room). Assumptions that aren't addressed can become resentments. Your daughter and her friend need to figure out how living together will work. If friend buys TV and plan and your daughter uses it on occasion, will friend resent her? Will friend be hoping to turn bedroom into a floor hangout (considering most students stream on their laptops or only use TVs for gaming, not cable)? What will the "policy" be in regards to visitors (i.e. will little sister have free reign to visit whenever, with no advanced warning?) While surely they aren't doing so unintentionally, it does seem as if they're steamrolling her. It can be difficult to say no to a friend, and having their mother and sister there on top of it doesn't help. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Personally I would intervene, and have a discussion with both moms and both daughters. Not in a confrontational way, but more like, I'm losing track of what's going on, can we sit and talk it over before any more decisions are made? I would just say that the shopping trip needs to be planned, not spur of the moment. I mean, if no one has any idea when the mom will come, how would they know your dd is available? Just say, let's talk about a good time for all of us to go shopping, there's nothing strange about that. Have they talked about a budget for this black and white theme with orange and teal accents? Decorations for a dorm room are not something we would be willing to spend much money on at all. I had a very similar problem back in the day, when my roommate and her mom thought we would all go shopping together for matching bedding and decorations (we didn't know each other beforehand). I guess it helped that spending money on that stuff wasn't even possible for us, so we were just very straightforward: We aren't going to do that. You do what you want on your side of the room, and I'll do what I want on my side of the room. Learning to speak up for yourself, especially when close friends are involved, can be difficult. It's a process, and I would have no problem guiding my dd through the process, and no problem enforcing a budget (even if it's a faux enforcement with dd's agreement). 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Assumptions that aren't addressed can become resentments. This hits the nail on the head. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My first thought was is it too late to ask for a random roommate. Why doesn't your daughter invite her friend over to your house and the two of them can talk alone. Some colleges provide topics that the new roommates should discuss and that can be helpful. With her friend's father working there and the family living near campus, I think your dd may want to establish some boundaries with her friend. As for the whole decorating thing, her friend is perfectly fine giving her sister a say in how her bed will be outfitted, but there's no reason your bed and accessories need to match. Choosing something which clashes wouldn't be good, but choosing a color or two she likes which coordinates would work just fine. I also don't understand the need for a tv, but that's the roommate's choice. That's another thing they need to discuss including recommending earbuds for both (if she's watching or listening to something on her computer) for consideration of the other. Maybe her friend could get practice with having a roommate by having her little sis move into her room. After a summer of that, roommate should get an appreciation for your daughter and little sis would be less likely to want to visit or stay over. :D I also think that if there's room planning between roommates, then the moms shouldn't be involved other than to set dollar limits if they'll be paying. If each is doing their own thing, which I think is more usual for the first year, then each can go shopping with their mom if they choose. For following years when they're rooming with friends, then moms are usually not involved at all. I don't think the issue is that you should be more involved, I think it's that the other mom should be involved less unless they decide to each just do their own thing. No guarantee that they'll be rooming together in following years, and your daughter will be "stuck" with whatever decor she picks now. She should choose what she likes. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Am I the only one feeling thankful I have boys? There was no concern at all about having a theme for the room, let alone color matching. DS got the bedding he wanted and the roommate brought whatever he wanted. No discussion of colors or matching or themes. Roommate already had a TV and said he'd bring it (no plan needed--it comes with room and board). DS said great, I can bring my game console. Roommate said great. We told DS that since roommate was bringing a TV we'd arrange for a fridge/micro combo. Roommate said great. Done and done! :lol: FWIW, I have two nieces in college (different schools) and neither has done any room theme/coordinating of colors with their roommates. I agree that your DD needs to establish some boundaries with her friend and the friend's family. Or look for another roommate, if that's still possible. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 your dd could print out the typical dorm room floor plan. Most colleges have one on their website. Meet with roommate and say "I'd like my bed to go here. We can get matching comforters, but after that I'd like to just deal with my own side (wall/desk space/bed loft/etc) of the room myself. I'll buy a refridgerator for us to share that is X cubic feet if you aren't doing that." And then be done with it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle_NC Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 It sounds like the friend is planning for the wedding and not the marriage, so to speak. :crying: I think it would be perfectly ok for you invite them over (or out) to lunch to discuss plans and be brought up to date. That will certainly help get things out in the open and solidify what the expectations are. My dd would probably be a little annoyed to have a tv in the room. If the girl pays for it can she keep it on as long as she wants, whenever she wants? This might also be a good time to research roommate agreements if you feel its appropriate. Not in the Sheldon Cooper realm, but there are some out there for college students. Even if you don't actually sign it, it would be good to know what the standard is. Good luck to you! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Why doesn't your Dd suggest that they make of list of decisions they have to decide. Then let friend pick her half. She gets to decide those most important to her. Dd gets the rest. She needs to voice an opinion now or her year could be miserable. I had a roommate that got a boyfriend the month before school started who lived in our room for the most part. I finally had get firm. He had to leave when I needed to get dressed or I would be getting naked with him in the room. I was fed up with him always there. All our 'switch halfway ' plans....she refused later to Honor. So your Dd needs to have a voice from the beginning. Point out sharing can be hard but she is confident they can find a good solution. If this gals mom is showing up....you may need to host lunch to hash it out so the girls can talk without one side uneven. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle_NC Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 http://www.hercampus.com/life/campus-living/should-you-make-roommate-contract-plus-roommate-contract-template 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 DD is starting college in the fall. She will be rooming with her best friend. Issues are already creeping up. Friend has told little sister (age 11) that she can help plan the room. Little sister has already planned the whole room out and has loads of stuff in carts all over the 'net. D and friend got together a few weeks ago and it was basically said, we decided on a black and white theme with teal and orange accents "If that's ok with you." The way dd told me, she was more or less ambushed, but nicely. … Even is black, white, orange, and teal were my 1st choice, I would say "no way". I would not start off my dorm experience with my room planned by someone else that I didn't pick. No way!! This is a shared room and the decisions should be shared, including the choice of the "designer". I would put my foot down now, at the very least to see how it goes. If the 2 cannot compromise now, it will be much worse after they move in together. I also would not pay anything towards a tv or tv plan I had no interest in using. I hope your daughter can get this straightened out. Best wishes. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in CA Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Am I the only one feeling thankful I have boys? Sorry, I know it's not helpful at all, but yes, that was my first thought as well. :lol: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I talked with dd, and she said she could be totally honest with her best friend about these issues but would have a more difficult time standing up to a random roommate. I thought it was an interesting perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 DD needs to pick a hill to die on soon, otherwise friend and friend's mom will get in the habit of lording over her. Cut that nonsense off at the knees now. DD needs to politely disagree on things that she doesn't want, and then negotiate from there. The TV might be a good place to start. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/526064-daughter-withdrew-from-college-already-over-roommate-from-hellpicture-addedupdated-to-add/?hl=%2Broommate+%2Battacked I have to say this thread is the reason I am scared for my kid to go to college. I would sit down with Mom and College daughter and let them know where the hill is located and that no battles will be fought there. I would be "that" Mom. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkateLeft Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 My dd had absolutely no interest in whether or not her room decor would match her roommate's when she lived in the dorm last year. It seems odd to us that some kids are so focused on this stuff. In fact, everything my dd took to college was Batman themed. Her half of the room was Batman themed, and her roommate's half was more typically girly. They each just decorated their own sides of the room. I'm really glad that was never an issue with us! My daughter's roommate brought a TV but none of them ever watched it. If she'd been asked about the TV beforehand, my daughter would have just said "Hey, bring whatever you want. I won't use it though." I paid for the room rug while her roommate's family paid for the mini-fridge rental. That was the extent of our pre-planning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor_dad Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/526064-daughter-withdrew-from-college-already-over-roommate-from-hellpicture-addedupdated-to-add/?hl=%2Broommate+%2Battacked I have to say this thread is the reason I am scared for my kid to go to college. Based on later issues/accusations with the "OP in your linked post", I wouldn't assume any of that was true. Many folks suspect her of being a troll. So be vigilant but don't be scared. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Suddenly I'm thinking DD's plan to get an apartment with her cousin after graduation is good. They have years to work out the details! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 raptor-dad, thanks! I didn't know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Little sis gets to plan her sis's half the room. Most roommates do not coordinate their room. Each just takes their side and decorates as they wish. IT makes a lovely ecclectic lock. All the schools my kids have looked at have cable included in the dorm price. Pretty much every room has one of th egirls gring a tv. If their school has a pay plan and the other girl brings a tv, I would just say that the other girl has dibs on the tv/program choice. Yes, they do have time for watching some television. In fact, it is often the down time/group activity for an evening. Nice cheap entertainment. But, I would have your dd tell the roomie that the stuff looks great, but she is going to pick out her own stuff. honestly, there is no reason to coordinate. That seems a little juvenile to be honest. I wouldn't coordinate past who is bringing the fridge, microwave, tv. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted May 11, 2015 Author Share Posted May 11, 2015 Forgot to update... DD and roomie went shopping this weekend. DD brought up the TV. "I don't think we need one." kind of thing. Or maybe it was "I don't want one." Roomie and mom were fine with it. It was a total non-issue for them. It just kind of turned around and ok, you guys get the fridge - which is how dh and I were going to bring the whole thing around to a close anyway. Not that mom then and not that mom now. Whew! And I totally agree - girls do not need to coordinate their rooms! In fact when oldest's roomie asked about coordinating bedding, oldest just said, 'I don't think it's that big of a deal. I was going to stay with the quilt nana made for me.' (School colors, btw) Roomie had to stop and think about it and then was ok. It had never occurred to her not to match. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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