My kids compare gift prices: we gave them more! ??? :(

[Alicia64]

Okay, here's one that I wasn't prepared for as a mom at all.

 

Last year -- for a reason that would bore you -- I sent a cousin in AZ an $80 bday gift. Which is very unusual for me. Usually I need to keep gifts for the AZ cousins around $30.

 

My sons -- 11 at the time -- needled me about the price of the gift saying, "Dad said we had to keep our bday gift wish list to $50 and you sent Logan $80 worth!!"

 

I thought they were just horsing around and teasing me.

 

Then last night one son pipes up with, "So-and-so only gave us $15 gift certificates when we gave them a $30 blah-blah."

 

I was taken aback. I've never looked at gifts like, "Lisa gave me blank so I have to give her blank." Ever.

 

In fact, I'm the opposite. I don't want to go too far overboard w/ friends and make them feel like they have to reciprocate.

 

The only thing I can pin my kids' reactions on is that DH out of the blue one year put a cap on how much they could ask for in their Xmas or bday wish list. I guess he didn't want them asking for $80 Lego sets. So maybe that's where this all started. . .

 

Of course, we discuss budgeting and how using money well, but we don't do this tit for tat thing in gift giving.

 

Any ideas on how to turn this situation around? I want them to give -- and receive -- from the heart. Not the wallet.

 

Thanks,

 

Alley

[Orthodox6]

This approach might be extreme, but also might convey a principle. At the next occasion for "presents all around", give nothing. The price tag is identical for all children.

 

For a number of years, (four children here), we gave each child $10 per family member. (excluding the child from the count). They could pool resources for a Nativity gift, or remain within the $10 cap. Some witty and weird gifts sometimes resulted, but the kids learned a lot about selecting something with the recipient's enjoyment in mind, about budgeting, and about working together. It really was a lot of fun for us all! Now they are adults (one late teen) and they are generous with their gifts, as well as thrifty. (Half Priced Books is a goldmine!)

[fairfarmhand]

Talk to them about gift giving. For instance, if you came across in a thrift store a gift that said "Auntie x will ADORE this teapot.  She remembers having tea with her grandma using an identical teapot when she was 4 years old. Grandma's been dead for 50 years! " and the teapot cost $10, well does that mean that you don't VALUE Auntie X? Of course not! In fact, Auntie will probably treasure the gift more than if you spend $100 at a "real store" on a new sweater or something. Because it was the thought and memory that gives the gift its value.

 

Sometimes you will spend more because you will run across something that you KNOW will be treasured. Sometimes, when you can't find that perfect item, you will stick to your typical budget guideline. Sometimes you will get lucky and run across the PERFECT treasure for a real bargain.

 

I would revise my stance on asking for Christmas gifts. Instead, I would encourage them to include a variety of price points on their lists, reminding them that each year the budget may be different and there is no guarantee that they will get everything on their list. I would tell them though to limit their list to the top 10-15 items that they would like to see under the tree.

 

They are still young and need you to talk through these things with them.$$$ spend do not equal love. $$$ spent do not necessarily mean that someone will treasure an item.

[kewb]

It is human nature to compare and categorize. Which is partly what your kids are doing. I will let you know when I have successfully weeded this out of my kids.

 

In the meantime we have many conversations about counting your blessings, the value in non-monetary things, etc. Along with a fair sprinkling of what a gift costs is none of your business annoyance.

[merry gardens]

Perhaps it's time their vocabulary lesson focusses on the word "gift". Look up the definition of the word and highlight for them some key points that contrast with their current understanding. 

 

noun

1.

something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.

2.

the act of giving.

3.

something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned:

Those extra points he got in the game were a total gift.

4.

a special ability or capacity; natural endowment; talent:

the gift of saying the right thing at the right time.

 

 

 

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, I'm sure this won't be popular, but I'd be in the 'no gifts' camp.

To compare like that is shocking and reeks of entitlement. It makes me think of Dudley on Harry Potter, getting mad because he got 36 presents this year when last year he got 37.

I'm NOT trying to insult your children at all, but it seems like somewhere they have picked up an idea that either everything in life has to be even (which is not how life works) or that they deserve more from you than a cousin does. It's a bad habit, and I'd not get them anything at the next holiday (Christmas comes to mind) if this behavior persists. They aren't toddlers or even remotely young as far as minors go - there is no reason why children can't learn and understand that gifts are not about price tags or comparing.

It probably sounds harsh, but I think it would nip this in the bud before it gets too out of hand... :)

[mom2bee]

If talking to them doesn't work, then I'd go with NO gifts for the next 2 gift giving occasions.

 

 

[Plink]

"I am absolutely ashamed to hear you speak like that. We never discuss who got more or less."

 

It is really fun to give, and it sounds like they haven't learned that yet. I'd try to find some ways for them to begin serving others.  

 

Tape coins to the ride-on toys in the mall

Write a chalk "thank you" in front of the police station

Clean up trash in the park

Sort cans at the food-pantry

Make toys for the dogs at the shelter

 

Here are a bunch of additional ideas that we used for my husband's Random-Acts-of-Kindness 40th birthday party

[Wilma]

I'd be uncomfortable with that kind of talk, too. But making it a huge (no presents for Christmas, etc.) deal doesn't feel right to me. They noticed something and brought it up to talk about with you.

 

Do y'all usually avoid money topics? Or is everything okay to talk about? I'd offer that comparing often leads to complaining and complaining never leads to gratitude, which is the right attitude for any type of gift.

[Mergath]

I'd probably do a year of all handmade gifts.

[Amy in NH]

They are probably a bit confused about the purpose of gift giving and are coming at this from a sense of "fairness".  I think I'd start with a heart-to-heart conversation about gift-giving.  Here's my take:

 

"Fair" does not mean equal - it means people get what they need when they need it.  People don't need gifts, so there is no "fair" in gift giving or receiving. 

 

Gifts are about showing your love and appreciation for the other person.  The reason that "it's the thought that matters" with gift giving is not because someone should appreciate that you thought to give them a gift (which you should), but because there should be thought put into the choice of the gift so that it shows your intimate knowledge of what that other person might like to receive as a gift - it shows you love them that you actually thought of them and put thought into choosing a gift for them.  Sometimes people will receive a gift which it was obvious no thought went into, and they'll say "it's the thought that matters" like the fact that the other person thought to give them a gift at all dismisses the fact that there was no thought put into an appropriate gift, but really I think it just shows the level of regard the giver has for the recipient. 

 

It is also important to remember that each person gives according to their own ability.  Someone who does not have the means to give an expensive gift can still be thoughtful in their choice - and that is where it becomes more clear that the thought really does count. 

 

This is why I hate obligatory gift giving.  The sentiment behind the thought of giving a gift is removed and people start to feel entitled.

 

 

 

When my kids were little they made up this game where they would wrap up toys from around the house to give to each other.  It was especially fun and exciting to give someone their own favorite toys wrapped up, because they knew how much the other person would love and be happy to have that item, and the act of receiving and unwrapping the present was a joy in itself. 

 

Have you tried doing some spontaneous gift giving to one person at a time - no schedule, not everyone gets something, no expectation of a gift in return? 

 

Have they been able to put thought into a gift for someone else?  The joy of giving can be as wonderful as the joy of receiving!

 

 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

BTW, they need to learn early on that every family doesn't have equal financial resources. And gift giving is given different priorities in each family. That's okay. We give gifts because we want to give a tangible expression of love, whatever the amount. And different people have different ways of expressing love.

 

Would they be hurt if Granny was in tight financial circumstances and could only bake a batch of cookies for them next Christmas...either that or go without her medicine? Does that mean that they wouldn't want to buy Granny something nice?

 

I think it;s a great idea to start running these scenarios for your kids. It's probably never occurred to them.

 

And yes, it is appropriate to say, "Oh my! I am so ashamed to hear you put a gift, an expression of love, so crassly. "

[J-rap]

I think I'd have a gentle but stern talk with them...

 

"People give what they can, or give what they're comfortable with.  It's different for everyone.  Some people don't give anything.  For a lot of people, it's more like a tradition, and traditions are different for everyone.  And if you end up giving more than what you receive and have a problem with that, it's selfish.  You don't really need anything other than what you have right now.  Anything extra is special."

 

Also, I wouldn't share money figures with my kids.  That is, when I write a check for someone as a gift, that would be between myself and my husband, not the kids.

 

Lastly, maybe you and your kids can do a charity project together, to get them excited about gift giving.  We collected money within our family over time, usually in 6-12 month periods.  You could do it a number of ways:  a % of their little job earnings, loose change, any loose pennies anyone had at the end of the day.  Then we'd have a "meeting" and discuss what to do with it.  Each child had to come up with an idea or two.  It would have to be given to some kind of charitable cause.  Some non-profit groups have catalogs where you can choose to have your donated money used to buy a goat, or milk for one family for 6 months, or something like that.  This made it feel more tangible to the kids.  I think it helped them view gift-giving differently. 

 

(Btw, I don't think it's unusual for your kids to be thinking the way they are.  Money is a weird thing.  It takes a lifetime to figure it out.)

[zoobie]

They've been taught by dad to focus on the dollar amount of the gift. So it's not surprising that's what they do. Dad and mom value me at $50. Why do they value random cousin at $80? Edited: is this for other people? Or their wish lists to you?

 

If they're really into Lego, there's a big jump in the fun value when you go from the $40-50 sets to the $70-100 sets. One $80 set is "worth" more than two of the $40 sets to a kid. If he's been really wanting X sets but only asks for the smaller ones because that's the rule, then it's maybe been building up hurt (resentment isn't quite the right word) over the years. To suddenly see some random person be given a much cooler gift than one he'd get naturally would sting. That's not being greedy or demanding. (Again, I was thinking the $50 limit was on items from mom and dad?)

 

Complaining about the price of other people's gifts... Home is a safe place and they're complaining to each other or you, not the giver, correct? Part of that is talking out loud things that we think in our heads. Twins seem to talk to each other how we talk to ourselves. The inner narrative is outer with them sometimes.

 

I would emphasize that it's not the price, it's the thought and the effort, but people do have budgets. Aunt Mary has a $15 budget and she tried to find you the thing you'd like the most within that amount. You give not expecting anything in return, otherwise it becomes an exchange transaction instead of a gift. Maybe let them handle lots of the gift research and purchasing over the next while. Start lists on what people would like and keep an eye out for deals. Let them handle the budget, including shipping, etc. (Because if they find it for $8 online with $20 shipping, it's not a good price!)

 

And I'd consider removing the dollar amount from their wish lists. We never buy everything on the kids' lists. They can wish for a diamond-encrusted pony, but that's not happening. We do tell them to ask Grandpa for $10-15 things because that's what he likes to buy. He's a notoriously bad gift-giver but tries really hard. He picks things way too young or not of interest. Now he will take them to Target and tell them to point stuff out to him, which works much better! The older two are old enough to understand the dollar "limit" in that situation. But he pretty much spends that on every person on his list, lol. He's not spending $10 on them and $50 on another grandchild, which would be hurtful to a kid I think no matter what.

[goldberry]

"I am absolutely ashamed to hear you speak like that. We never discuss who got more or less."

 

 

 

 

I would absolutely say this.  But probably would not go with a no presents thing.   In fact, I think that would accomplish the opposite of what you are going for, encouraging a generous heart that gives without counting.

 

We don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays.  But we do lots of gift giving, and my dd is the most generous little soul I've ever seen.  I would actually increase giving of smaller items at random times.  We often see something small and think "oh, so and so would love that" and we pick it up. It could be something at a thrift store, or even a small piece of special chocolate.   We don't feel the need to buy something for everyone every time we buy something.  Giving gifts when there is not a special occasion I think reinforces the idea of what gift giving it - something to bring joy to the recipient.  And you obviously aren't expecting anything in return, because there is not an occasion that is calling for it.

 

That might help the "tit for tat" idea that has clearly developed.

[fairfarmhand]

BTW, for Christmas and birthday lists, you may want to suggest that they start looking at eBay for Lego sets. Learning to look for USED stuff first, teaches my kids that it's not the dollar amount that counts. It's the joy that the recipient will get from this item. 

 

And yes, I have given thrift store/Goodwill gifts to my kids for special occasions and YES, they were thrilled when it was something that they genuinely wanted.

[Orthodox6]

"I am absolutely ashamed to hear you speak like that. We never discuss who got more or less."

 

 

I have mixed feelings about the quoted sentences.  I can "hear" myself bursting out with the same.  On the other hand, depending upon the child(ren) hearing this kind of response from a parent, the utterance could kill discussion/learning opportunity stone-dead on-the-spot. 

 

I also can think of instances when it is helpful to discuss both that someone "got more" and why that person "got more." 

 

As noted, I have no hard-and-fast conclusion.

[Alicia64]

"I am absolutely ashamed to hear you speak like that. We never discuss who got more or less."

 

 

I have to be honest, I didn't write my post very well. I have no intentions of making them "feel ashamed" for being honest with me.

 

I had a long talk w/ them this a.m. about giving from the heart and doing what seems right to us (even if nobody is looking or knows).

 

We talked about my darling grandmother who gave small gifts, but a TON of love and how much that meant to me and still does.

 

We talked about the incredibly awesome thank you notes my boys write after receiving gifts.(A friend said they "send the best thank yous ever.)

 

I probably shouldn't have brought this topic up. I see this more as a snag in their development than "no gifts for a year" or whatever.

 

Sometimes problems w/ kids are hard to explain via a forum.

 

Alley

[Orthodox6]

I am glad to brainstorm with others about this topic.  It is important (imo)!

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

I probably shouldn't have brought this topic up. I see this more as a snag in their development than "no gifts for a year" or whatever.

 

Sometimes problems w/ kids are hard to explain via a forum.

 

Alley

 

 

 

You are spot on. They are kids. They get things turned around funny in their heads and misunderstand things that parents think are obvious. Some kids just need to "hear what they just said." Of course, your kids are absolutely wonderful kids. They just didn't realize how it came out and how that sounds when others hear it.

 

Kids are often oblivious.

 

 

I've been jumped on myself for posting stuff about my own kids. Online forums can be difficult.

 

 

[Barb_]

So I see this in another way, because kids are weird. When their dad set up the $50 limit thing he made a Rule. When you went over that Rule, not by a little but by more than 50%, they were left feeling like the cousin was somehow more important than they were. It was probably a mistake to tie gift giving to money anyway. Either buy without their input or allow them to ask for whatever their little hearts desire. It doesn't mean you have to buy it. I like to know where their current interests are and use their wish lists as inspiration rather than a shopping list.

 

ETA: I don't mean to blame you when you're already feeling a little piled on. When my own kids act out of character, my first (ok probably second or third) response is to see if I've unwittingly caused it.

 

Zoobie, I just realized you posted the same upthread. I scanned before I posted and missed it. I'm supposed to be starting my day but here I sit with my cup of coffee 20 minutes past start time. Bad Mom! Lol

[zoobie]

I have to be honest, I didn't write my post very well. I have no intentions of making them "feel ashamed" for being honest with me.

 

I had a long talk w/ them this a.m. about giving from the heart and doing what seems right to us (even if nobody is looking or knows).

 

We talked about my darling grandmother who gave small gifts, but a TON of love and how much that meant to me and still does.

 

We talked about the incredibly awesome thank you notes my boys write after receiving gifts.(A friend said they "send the best thank yous ever.)

 

I probably shouldn't have brought this topic up. I see this more as a snag in their development than "no gifts for a year" or whatever.

 

Sometimes problems w/ kids are hard to explain via a forum.

 

Alley

Maybe gifts are their "love language." (I've never read the book, but gifts are more important to some people than others, and not merely the dollar amount.) Their willingly and thoughtfully writing thank you notes tells you they value the gifts. :)

[PeacefulChaos]

I have to be honest, I didn't write my post very well. I have no intentions of making them "feel ashamed" for being honest with me.

 

I had a long talk w/ them this a.m. about giving from the heart and doing what seems right to us (even if nobody is looking or knows).

 

We talked about my darling grandmother who gave small gifts, but a TON of love and how much that meant to me and still does.

 

We talked about the incredibly awesome thank you notes my boys write after receiving gifts.(A friend said they "send the best thank yous ever.)

 

I probably shouldn't have brought this topic up. I see this more as a snag in their development than "no gifts for a year" or whatever.

 

Sometimes problems w/ kids are hard to explain via a forum.

 

Alley

No way, never ever no gifts for a year! That would SUCK!!! (My love language is gifts, can you tell? :P I love love love both giving and receiving gifts. LOVE.) a whole year with no gifts would be awful.

 

I don't think the thread has gone badly or anything. :confused: anyway, I'm glad everything is working out!

[myfunnybunch]

I think it's a normal human reaction. (Note that I did not say desirable or courteous, just normal.) This is a great teachable moment. I think it's a huge deal if it turns into an ongoing attitude of entitlement and comparison, but they're not there, I suspect.  Much of parenting is about recognizing what needs to be taught in order to encourage healthy values, and it seems to me you're in that spot rather than having horrible spoiled brats. :) They're just kids who need some guidance.

 

I would not change your gift-giving to them in any way to "teach them a lesson." I think that teaches the opposite of what you really want to convey, which is (I suspect) that gifts are given in love without sense of obligation. Or lesson.

 

I might shift the responsibility for the monetary "cap" for gifts they receive from them to you. Rather than "You can ask for things under $X" we tell our kids that they can ask for whatever they wish, even the moon or a magic wand, but we suggest they ask for a variety of items, because we as the givers have a responsibility to the whole family so we will choose from the list things that we hope will delight them *and* fit within our budget and values. 

 

Mostly I'd just talk to them about it.  Encourage them to hand-make cards and gifts for people around them, look for meaningful gifts for them without focus on cost, focus on experiences together and with friends (one of my ds' favorite gifts EVER was a sleepover "coupon" from a friend--no cost, super fun, low effort on everyone's part), when they choose or make gifts for friends and family talk about what the other person enjoys first before talking about cost. You've probably gotten lots of other great suggestions on this thread already.

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

I have to be honest, I didn't write my post very well. I have no intentions of making them "feel ashamed" for being honest with me.

 

I had a long talk w/ them this a.m. about giving from the heart and doing what seems right to us (even if nobody is looking or knows).

 

We talked about my darling grandmother who gave small gifts, but a TON of love and how much that meant to me and still does.

 

We talked about the incredibly awesome thank you notes my boys write after receiving gifts.(A friend said they "send the best thank yous ever.)

 

I probably shouldn't have brought this topic up. I see this more as a snag in their development than "no gifts for a year" or whatever.

 

Sometimes problems w/ kids are hard to explain via a forum.

 

Alley

 

Well done, Momma. :grouphug:

[Lady Florida.]

I wouldn't do the no gifts thing because I think it's a good teaching moment. Talk to them about gift giving and the non-monetary value of giving something you think the person will like. I like Mergath's idea of homemade gifts, but I wouldn't drop gifts altogether. Teaching is better than punishing IMO.

 

We had the opposite problem in my family. My mother always thought she had to spend the same amount on my brother and me or one of us would be hurt. I think it was a result of my grandparents encouraging competition between her and her sisters when she was growing up but I really don't know if that's why she did it. My brother and I tried for years to tell her that if we got something we really wanted it didn't matter how much it cost in relation to brother's/sister's gift. She never really got it. 

[Rosie_0801]

My kid would get "No Dear, YOU didn't give anyone an $80 lego set. YOU didn't give Cousin in AZ anything at all. That was a bit stingy of you, wasn't it?"

 

Of course, before you start obliging kids to contribute as a gift giver, not just a receiver, you do have to make sure they have some method of doing so. When I was a kid, we had to use all our birthday and Christmas money to pay for everyone else's Christmas and birthday presents. That was a bit rubbish! Dd uses some of her Christmas/birthday money for that, because she's big on gift giving (buying me an Easter egg even though she knows I don't observe Easter) but we're also teaching her to sew so she can make presents. For Christmas last year, I bought hankies for her to embroider. I don't mind buying the materials like that if she's putting work into improving/ assembling it. She doesn't get to claim she's giving something merely because she was there when I purchased it. :p

[Susan in TN]

We don't do lists. Though some of my kids will make a list, they understand that their gifts will not reliably come from it. And that's about it. I don't know if this is why they don't compare values or not.

 

For family gift-giving, we bring the kids to the dollar store and they each buy something for the gift recipient. They can all afford a dollar and so they focus on finding "just the right gift" for that person.

 

One of the worst things my in-laws did was to painstakingly make all gifting occassions absolutely equal, even to the extent of engagement, bridal shower, and wedding gifts. It is amazing how even as adults, they would pay attention to anything given to any sibling and expect (correctly) that they would eventually be given the same. Of course, dh's family is/was fairly disfunctional - dh was raised mostly by a nanny and then moved away after high school, so he escaped most of that nonsense.