Pod's mum Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 DD is quite 'hall monitor' by nature. She has good knowledge of road laws and draws my attention to me not buckling up on private property, not having two hands on wheel at all times, watches the speedo etc. She can drive. Slow on private farm tracks. Lately she has been coming home more concerned about her father's driving. He and I share "transport of said child" for his time with her. Most recent is his doing 15kms over the limit, while overtaking two cars, part of this over white lines and possibly before/on a crest of hill and later on the same trip taking both hands off the steering wheel to get his phone out of his pocket and turn it off. This was also on a 100km road, not pottering around suburbs. She asked him not to at the time and later spoke to his wife about it to ask her to discuss it with her dad. What can she do to feel safe? I don't want to go back to Court. With previous significant non-transport safety issues it was a mix of "That didn't happen", redescibing the situation (incorrectly), and "OK, now I know better, I won't do that again". And next time is a bit different but not neccessarily better. There is a history of drug and alcohol dependency. Options I can think of are writing a letter to him listing these concerns. This can be useful as a paper trail if things deteriate again. Taking child to talk to local police. I have told her they won't punish her father as they were not there. But this may flag him and may give her 'tools' for future. I have said that these same issues can occur with friends driving so it would be good to know what she can do. Me trying to talk to him does not tend to go well, particularly if no other adults present. No one respects her father, but I do not lwant her being the one who has to police his behaviour. Suggestions wecome. Magic wand even more wecome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Oh god. As a fellow divorcee that is my worst nightmare. You're in my thoughts. I'm interested to hear what people have managed in this situation. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 If she can drive, is she over the age where she can decide for herself whether to be in his company? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 If she can drive, is she over the age where she can decide for herself whether to be in his company? One more year. Yes I'm counting. (I taught her to drive at 8. Cos we could.) She likes spending time with him, but is also looking forward to choosing those times. Currently non-negotiable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 I don't know about Australia, but in the US I have known women who have difficult ex spouses who just stop visitation and let the ex take them back to court instead of initiating court. Both of the women I know who did this had good reasons, but did not have the money to go to court, so they let their ex shoulder the cost of court when when they wanted visitation. In both cases the women had to make vistation happen, but they were able to send a "straighten up" message to their ex. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 One more year. Yes I'm counting. (I taught her to drive at 8. Cos we could.) She likes spending time with him, but is also looking forward to choosing those times. Currently non-negotiable. Can she video these incidents? This must be so incredibly frustrating and infuriating for you. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 How old is she? Can you drive her both ways? If she is a teenager and says "I won't ride in a car with you driving recklessly", maybe she can make an impact, and have a real conversation with him. If she is still a pre-teen, I don't know if it will go very far. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I don't know about Australia, but in the US I have known women who have difficult ex spouses who just stop visitation and let the ex take them back to court instead of initiating court. Both of the women I know who did this had good reasons, but did not have the money to go to court, so they let their ex shoulder the cost of court when when they wanted visitation. In both cases the women had to make vistation happen, but they were able to send a "straighten up" message to their ex. We have gone this route in the past for drink driving (etc). It did mean I was charged with Contravention of Orders and could have lost child plus jail. I was aware of that at the time but it was still the best option. We've spent many years with Court, I don't want to go back to that if I can aviod it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Can she video these incidents? This must be so incredibly frustrating and infuriating for you. :grouphug: She doesn't have a phone and if she tried to do this I think it would get him cross. Getting him pi$$ed off while he's driving does not improve his driving. I spent many years as an unhappy silent passenger. I love that dd speaks up, but it is still tricky for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 How old is she? Can you drive her both ways? If she is a teenager and says "I won't ride in a car with you driving recklessly", maybe she can make an impact, and have a real conversation with him. If she is still a pre-teen, I don't know if it will go very far. Part of last Court rounds was to get him to share transport. He would much prefer child was delivered and picked up and he had no effort or expense. We don't live close and two round trips a week is a big fuel budget. (Drop off plus pick up for overnights.) Budget fuel = $1.39 /litre He tells her if she doesn't like his driving she can get out and walk. I don't know how much it would take him to do that. Not a good idea. Even if she had a phone I would not want her waiting on the roadside for 30 to 60 minutes. Yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I would drive her, never mind the cost or the apparent 'win' for him in terms of shirking transport responsibility. He's not a safe driver so that would trump everything. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 i understand the fuel thing as it is back up to $1.99 a little again here but unless it completely destroys the budget I would drive her. She could then just refuse to go anywhere unless the new wife were driving. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If he doesn't want the hassle of driving her, could you offer to do it if he pitches in a little money for fuel? Not even necessarily his fair share of costs, but just something to defray your costs for the next year. Wendy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I'd just drive her. It is only for a year. He doesn't want to drive. You don't want him to drive the way he does. So, drive her yourself. Sure he may "win," but who cares. You don't have to participate in this argument. The money you spend will be worth it. Think of it as an investment in your peace of mind. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ugh, that would drive me crazy. I have no advice! I'm very hall monitor when it comes to driving too. People don't like it, but yup. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I agree with PP. Would your ex be willing to help pay for fuel costs for you to drive her? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Driving and paying fuel costs is probably less expensive than going to court, yes? I think I would do that, for my child's safety and peace of mind. I am sorry you are in this situation :( 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 What does she want you to do? Given her age, that would be especially important to me. I would favor just emailing him about it - acknowledging that she is, as you say, a 'hall monitor' type person. I would tell him,though, that at her age, she is going to be driving with friends, and that If she doesn't feel safe with the way a friend drives, you want her to be assertive and not just go along with it for fear of making a friend mad. I would tactfully suggest that he think about responding as you would want a good friend (or boy friend) to when she is a passenger - by at least considering whether your daughter has a point. Or help her write such an email herself if she would rather. I can't see calling the cops or going back to court. I would probably rather do the driving myself than do that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Can she take a bus? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Yeah, I would drive her. Then you've met your part of the deal. It's only for a year. After that, if she refuses to get into the car with him, I don't see what he can do about it. I know it's a pain and expensive. Frankly, I wouldn't ride with him either if her description is accurate. And even if she does get into the car with him once she's there, at least you'll have minimized her time as his passenger. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I would just drive her. There's no way to win the battle of having him drive the way she thinks he should (and she sounds like she's being totally reasonable, I'm just saying she's already mentioned it and he is not going to give in). If he 'much prefers' her being dropped off and picked up, and also knows that she is bothered by his driving, I would be afraid that he will escalate the bad driving as a way to annoy the both of you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Part of last Court rounds was to get him to share transport. He would much prefer child was delivered and picked up and he had no effort or expense. We don't live close and two round trips a week is a big fuel budget. (Drop off plus pick up for overnights.) Budget fuel = $1.39 /litre He tells her if she doesn't like his driving she can get out and walk. I don't know how much it would take him to do that. Not a good idea. Even if she had a phone I would not want her waiting on the roadside for 30 to 60 minutes. Yet. I am on a really toight budget here, too... extra car trips are avoided as much as possible. But for safety issues, I'd go without anything I could- even eating PB&J & ramen noodles. Gas is likely less expensive than hospital/physical therapy/other care expense sif there is an accident. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thank you for your thoughts and ideas. We did call into the police station yesterday morning but it is rare to find them in and their non-emergency number didn't answer. We were going to ask them for advice on what a passenger can do in that situation (and maybe flag his car). Reading the situation as not-mine, it does seem obvious that I need to reduce her time in his car. I'll talk to dd about me doing all the transport. If she wants me to, I'll consider offering to do the driving if he'll contribute to fuel costs. And maybe be willing to anyway when he refuses. We are not as tight financially as we were. When I was doing all the driving I was staying with a sister in city while dd was with her dad as I really couldn't afford the extra fuel/trips. They were generous but it was not fair to them and I wanted to be home not wasting two days a week. No there's no public transport. I have hitched the route decades ago but dd had better not be that stupid. And isn't. This would still need addressing though, as he does interstate trips with dd to see his parents or for holidays etc. New wife knows you can't stand up to him and share a house, it's also not in her nature. I don't believe he is deliberately driving like this to upset dd. This is just how he drives. It is his road. His car. (His child/ren etc), and nothing he does is wrong. And yes it is worth it to be living this far from him. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Poor kid, I hope you can find a way to drive her. Some people are crazy, unsafe drivers and the best thing to do is avoid getting in a car with one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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