Those people who . . .

[scrapbookbuzz]

. . . think just because you're a stay at home parent you don't have anything to do and so they repeatedly ask you to do things for them.

 

I just realized this morning that my husband is one of those! I'm not angry, just amazed it took me so long to figure it out. He often calls from his

office and asks me to look something up or do something for him. I used to automatically say, "Sure" and put it before anything else.

Today, I said, "Does it have to be done this morning?" After the slightest hesitation (I think I took him by surprise!), he said, "No. Just when you're home

and have some time." I said, "This morning is really busy." I did not remind him that I'm a HOMESCHOOL mom and I have my OWN business matters to 

attend to. Maybe one of these days, just to prove a point, I'll call him at least once a day at his office and ask him to do something that will clearly interrupt

his work schedule. Think he'll get the point?  :coolgleamA:

 

***This post is mostly just venting. Thanks.***

[Mimm]

Good idea. :) That did make me giggle at your expense though.

 

I don't mind that things fall to me because I have the flexibility that my husband doesn't have. But I also put things off till it's convenient for me to do them unless it's time sensitive.

[kroe1]

Well, if you keep saying you cannot do it, he will eventually get the idea that you are not reliable for him, not a crutch, and not a drop everything kind of girl. He will quit calling for sure. But, think hard if that is really the wedge in your relationship you want. Because once it is gone, it is gone.

[marbel]

Good idea. :) That did make me giggle at your expense though.

 

I don't mind that things fall to me because I have the flexibility that my husband doesn't have. But I also put things off till it's convenient for me to do them unless it's time sensitive.

 

It is hard when my husband calls me to do something for him, but when I think about it, it makes sense for me to be the one to do it. 

 

He is getting better at letting me know if something is urgent and needs to be done right away, or is more of a "when you can get to it" sort of thing.

 

 

[lynn]

I am a sahm with more flexibility to handle the small things come up that need to be done. We have a white board for all those things I need to call on or need to get info for. Anyone else besides Dh or my mom, well, I may not have time for.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Clarification: my post was mainly a vent. Maybe I'd be more receptive if he'd actually ask instead of just assuming I will. He tends to make the requests

in statements, rather than questions. Example: instead of him saying, "I have some marketing I'd like you to do for me", I might be more receptive if he said,

"Would you be willing to help me with some marketing?" I know WHY he's asking and I really don't have a problem with helping him out, it's just the way it was requested.

 

As for the calling him once a day to make a request, I most likely won't, it was just a fun thought. But if he gets in the habit again, I just might! B)

[Word Nerd]

You can't expect him to get the point if you've never said it's a problem before. My coworker's DH calls her all. the. time. to ask her questions and to run errands for him. She gets annoyed and vents after hanging up sometimes, but she doesn't tell him no or that she doesn't have time.

[SKL]

Make it a habit to say, "when do you need this?"  Let him know you are working it into your priority list.

 

I'm not a homeschooler, but I'm a work-at-home mom (full time and then some).  I have a SAHM sister who thinks it is OK to drop in on me with like 2 minutes notice.  (Granted, she never stays long.)  Or she will call and say "do you have a minute?" and then talk for an hour.  All this happens in the middle of my work day.

 

But then, I have a hard time switching gears.  Even if my boss calls me about work during my work hours, I often have trouble with the transitions.  Unless it is a true emergency, it goes into my "to do" pile like everything else.

[Slache]

My husband asked me one day "What do you do all day?" I did no housework for five days after that. No dinner, no laundry, no nothing. He even got to bathe the kids when he got home. On the first day he looked at me and said "What did you do all day?" I looked him right in the eyes and said "Nothing." He gets it now. And I don't even have half the responsibilities you have!

 

We have an ongoing list in the laundry closet now. If he wants something done he writes it down.

[lllll]

..

[marbel]

We have an ongoing list in the laundry closet now. If he wants something done he writes it down.

 

This is a brilliant idea.  I am trying to keep a running grocery/drug store list and a running chore list would be great too.

 

[Guest]

What helped my husband was when I posted our family schedule on the wall, including his blocks of time in various places. He could see how his time lined up with ours and vice versa, and it helped us all order the flow of the day better. Between that and him doing my Scholaric schedule for homeschool when I was out of town, he hasn't ever given me lip on not working all day.

 

Quite the opposite - I am WAY harder on myself and the things I don't get done than he ever could be.

 

With your spouses I second (third?) the suggestion of asking him when he needs things done by. We love our spouses and want to assist them, and I generally believe the converse is also true - if your husband understood certain times weren't good for you, or you could prioritize his requests as emergent or needs-to-be-done-by-________, I think it might help both of you very much :)

[Guest]

My ex used to think it would be fun for me to spend all day on the bus with a toddler and an infant so he could play with them for half an hour during his lunch break and not have to stop by the bank on his way home to deposit his paycheck. When I got home my WOHM friend had left a bunch of angry messages on my machine because she wanted me to pick up her husband's dry cleaning and she wound up having to do it during her lunch hour "Because you couldn't even be bothered to turn off your soap operas long enough to pick up the phone!"

 

the friendship didn't fare any better than the marriage, lol.

 

Good for you for setting boundaries.

 

That was a very, very restrained vent IMNSHO, and I'm glad you're getting good advice.

[Excelsior! Academy]

You need to go out of town for the week.  Plan a couple of activities and do not prep anything beforehand.  He can figure out how to feed the kids.  They may eat pb&j all week, but they will eat.  Plan a semi-important something for when you get back.  Like a good friend coming over for a family dinner, type of thing.  Then ask your dh to please have the house clean upon your return, because you know x is coming over.  Then go out of town and do. not. stress. about how the house is being run or how clean it is when you get back.  It may be a disaster area, but he'll "get it" somewhat.  It worked for my dh.  Now he asks me to lay down in the afternoon to put my feet up.  It's not always feasible, but he no longer thinks my days are all soap operas and bon bons.  :D

[Rebel Yell]

My ex used to think it would be fun for me to spend all day on the bus with a toddler and an infant so he could play with them for half an hour during his lunch break and not have to stop by the bank on his way home to deposit his paycheck. When I got home my WOHM friend had left a bunch of angry messages on my machine because she wanted me to pick up her husband's dry cleaning and she wound up having to do it during her lunch hour "Because you couldn't even be bothered to turn off your soap operas long enough to pick up the phone!"

 

the friendship didn't fare any better than the marriage, lol.

 

Good for you for setting boundaries.

 

That was a very, very restrained vent IMNSHO, and I'm glad you're getting good advice.

:huh: :cursing: :svengo:

 

Oh my gosh, how horrible.  :grouphug:

[Guest]

This is a brilliant idea. I am trying to keep a running grocery/drug store list and a running chore list would be great too.

 

We do that, too, so we don't have to make so many emergency trips. Actually have a typedup list of basics that I laminated, and we just highlight items with a dry erase marker when we open the last package. It has greatly cut down on missed grocery items and whenever we go shopping I just have to transfer the list to my device or sticky note and off we go.

 

Then it doesn't feel like I'm sending him a constant stream of grocery items every day to pick up on *his* way home from work :)

[Guest]

My ex used to think it would be fun for me to spend all day on the bus with a toddler and an infant so he could play with them for half an hour during his lunch break and not have to stop by the bank on his way home to deposit his paycheck. When I got home my WOHM friend had left a bunch of angry messages on my machine because she wanted me to pick up her husband's dry cleaning and she wound up having to do it during her lunch hour "Because you couldn't even be bothered to turn off your soap operas long enough to pick up the phone!"

 

the friendship didn't fare any better than the marriage, lol.

 

Good for you for setting boundaries.

 

That was a very, very restrained vent IMNSHO, and I'm glad you're getting good advice.

I would have lost it. Badly.

[Reefgazer]

I think her husband knows she's a homeschool mom and that is a full time job that she can't just drop like a hat.  She is going to have to say something, but I can see where someone would be annoyed that another person can't see the obvious; it's inconsiderate, especially from a DH who *should* know by now how much work homeschooling is.  She really shouldn't have to say anything, especially to her DH.

You can't expect him to get the point if you've never said it's a problem before. My coworker's DH calls her all. the. time. to ask her questions and to run errands for him. She gets annoyed and vents after hanging up sometimes, but she doesn't tell him no or that she doesn't have time.

 

[Guest]

I would have lost it. Badly.

 

Ugh; didn't mean to threadjack so badly, just trying to support the OP.

 

< cringe >

 

< /bitter, angry old lady >

[Danestress]

Ugh; didn't mean to threadjack so badly, just trying to support the OP.

 

< cringe >

 

< /bitter, angry old lady >

No, I think you are telling us how bad it can get when an especially accommodating person isn't direct and assertive with a 'user.'

 

Also, you made me really appreciate my friends. I can remember anyone ever acting like I have nothing to do all day! That was outrageous, and I suspect you probably put up with a lot of that kind of thing before you broke!

[Word Nerd]

I think her husband knows she's a homeschool mom and that is a full time job that she can't just drop like a hat.  

 

It sounds like that's what she's been doing up to this point. Maybe he should know better, but the OP has unintentionally encouraged his behavior. From the OP: "I used to automatically say, 'Sure' and put it before anything else."

 

[lea1]

Clarification: my post was mainly a vent. Maybe I'd be more receptive if he'd actually ask instead of just assuming I will. He tends to make the requests

in statements, rather than questions. Example: instead of him saying, "I have some marketing I'd like you to do for me", I might be more receptive if he said,

"Would you be willing to help me with some marketing?" I know WHY he's asking and I really don't have a problem with helping him out, it's just the way it was requested.

 

As for the calling him once a day to make a request, I most likely won't, it was just a fun thought. But if he gets in the habit again, I just might! B)

 

I totally get what you are saying and was lol about your idea to call him once a day.  Very funny.

[El...]

I don't usually realize there is a small problem like that happening repeatedly until I finally get mad about it.  Then I FIX IT, usually a little too strongly.  The other party is usually surprised by my over-reaction.  :glare:

 

I love the idea of the whiteboard! 

[Seasider]

I love my dh but confess that in the middle of a complicated lesson, or at the height of action in a read aloud, even his calls are let go to voice mail... Sometimes there's something about breaking stride that can send the rest of the day out of control. He isn't here all day and hasn't worked with the kids enough on academics to fully understand this. Hardest are the work-at-home days --- we never even make it to stride on those.

[zoobie]

This is a brilliant idea. I am trying to keep a running grocery/drug store list and a running chore list would be great too.

 

If you both have smart phones, there are great apps. We use GroceryIQ and have lists for our usual stores, and there's a To Do list for both of us in Notes. We have it set to synch up. :)

 

DH is tip top on my list of people, but he doesn't expect me to be at his beck and call!

[scrapbookbuzz]

You all have wonderful suggestions. Reefgazer was the one who gave me the affirmation that I needed. Wasn't trying to throw a pity party, truly. Just posted it here where I thought people might understand. Less did than I expected! However, there were some very valid points about what I might change, as well. I thank you all for your input!

[Seasider]

Well, if you keep saying you cannot do it, he will eventually get the idea that you are not reliable for him, not a crutch, and not a drop everything kind of girl. He will quit calling for sure. But, think hard if that is really the wedge in your relationship you want. Because once it is gone, it is gone.

Once what is gone?

The untimely calls and requests?

Or do you mean the entire relationship?

 

Perhaps I am misunderstanding your post, but if the strength of my marital relationship is built on whether or not I agree to be a drop-everything-fetchy-girl (when my hands are already full of caring for the home and overseeing serious academics for my and said husband's offspring), then I'm in the wrong relationship to begin with!

 

OP, skip the games. Just have a frank talk with your husband. "I love you and want to be helpful to you. Our circumstances are different now that we are homeschooling, my schedule is fuller and to accomplish everything, I have to work according to a plan. Let's figure out a way to plan together so that I can assist you when you need me, without me having to drop the ball on the kids' education, which we agreed was important enough for me to commit my daily life to in lieu of other career opportunities/personal interests."

[KungFuPanda]

Clarification: my post was mainly a vent. Maybe I'd be more receptive if he'd actually ask instead of just assuming I will. He tends to make the requests

in statements, rather than questions. Example: instead of him saying, "I have some marketing I'd like you to do for me", I might be more receptive if he said,

"Would you be willing to help me with some marketing?" I know WHY he's asking and I really don't have a problem with helping him out, it's just the way it was requested.

 

As for the calling him once a day to make a request, I most likely won't, it was just a fun thought. But if he gets in the habit again, I just might! B)

I think the correct response is "Great! I have some errands l'd like you to do for me. You know . . . since you're out." Either he gets the point or you take all the shopping off your plate. Either way he'll think first before adding to your workload.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that directly telling someone what bothers you works so much better than the passive-aggressive approach.  We all have our blindspots but it helps when someone tells us what we need.  So he needs help.  You need a timeline - or an assistant - or to know when it's ok to say no and when to suck it up and help because isn't that what we do for the people we love?