Innisfree Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Deceased lived in/near town A for many years, until health problems forced a move near adult child. His friends, many elderly, live in/around town A, and both children live within day-trip driving distance of it, though for one it's a stretch. The funeral will be held in A to accommodate friends. Would you expect some sort of reception after the funeral under these circumstances? Neither adult child lives close enough to host it, and while a restaurant is a possibility, one child needs to leave promptly for a long drive home. An in-law has suggested that a gathering is expected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes, I would expect something. It doesn't have to be fancy though - perhaps tea/coffee and some pre-made sandwiches. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Around here a gathering at a restaurant is the norm. So much so that the funeral director has menus to look at and handles everything. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes, it would be nice. The funeral director can help with suggestions. There might be a local church willing to host and maybe even provide food. Was the deceased a member of a church in their hometown? If so, I would start there. I have been to many post-funeral meals hosted by churches. Some are in the church fellowship hall, some are in the funeral home (most have facilities for this type of thing). It isn't a problem if one sibling can't attend, but family should be there to receive condolences and to hear all of the wonderful stories the friends will tell! It has actually been a very encouraging experience. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Deceased was not a churchgoer. Heck, I hadn't even thought about a gathering until someone suggested it. No doubt I should have. That means another drive, I guess, to figure this out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Deceased was not a churchgoer. Heck, I hadn't even thought about a gathering until someone suggested it. No doubt I should have. That means another drive, I guess, to figure this out. Call the funeral director to see if they can help out with suggestions. If they have a room you can use, they would probably also be wiling to pick up some deli trays from a grocery store for you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I think it's nice for people to be able to share memories and chat and it can be very healing. However, for me, it's not a requirement. I've been to funerals with receptions and without. I would definitely ask the funeral home. They may even have a room you can use. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pehp Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I have attended two funerals in the past year where there was no reception after the funeral. It is almost always expected here, and b/c we mostly attend church funerals, it is de rigeur for the church family to host it. however, in these cases the funerals were in funeral homes, there was little family around. I do think that a few people went out for lunch or dinner together after the funeral, which I think is a perfectly reasonable option for those who want to gather. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 It's been typical in my experience. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anneinco Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 We talked to a local Elks (or similar group) that was near the cemetery where we had my mom's service. The guy who helped us was even willing to pick up premade sandwiches and small snacky stuff. I enjoyed it because it gave everyone a chance to relax and share stories. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I can't remember ever going to one when there wasn't a gathering afterwards for family and the closest friends. Usually, it's been either in a church hall, the deceased home or the home of a family member or close friend. Generally, lunch or a light supper is served. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Was the deceased a part of any social groups or clubs that could help host a gathering? I've been to funerals hosted by the Rotary club (to which the deceased belonged) and a social sorority of a family member. Friends of the family are usually happy to have the opportunity to host gatherings like that, and sometimes even to provide the food. I've also been on the receiving end of requests for food for church members, even when I might not have known the deceased's family well enough to attend the funeral itself. Otherwise, I agree with the suggestion to call the funeral home and ask for help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks, all. I'll talk to the funeral home about getting a room and some coffee and appetizers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Most of the funeral receptions we've been to were hosted by the person's church or civic/social organization. Not too long ago we went to one where family all lived far away and the person had been in a nursing home for a long time. They had the reception at a local fire hall with chips, vegetable trays, small sandwich platters, and cookie platters from a local grocery store with a catering department. It was very nice and good to have a place to chat afterwards. People weren't expecting a full meal, but it was a nice though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes, here it's something most people would expect. I have been to gatherings at restaurants and at churches. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I've seen it done at a home, and also in another part of the funeral home. It doesn't have to be fancy. The last one I went to just had cookies and coffee in a downstairs room of the funeral home. I would definitely ask the funeral home if they could do this for you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I have never been to a funeral without some kind of gathering for everyone after. Sometimes it is at a church or a restaurant or even at the house of the deceased. Sometimes it is a potluck and sometimes it is catered. But I would assume there would be one. It would feel very.... incomplete to me...to have to get in my car and leave after the service. I would expect some time to talk to the family members, share some memories with friends etc. There have been times that I had to miss the funeral service but always made a point of attending the reception afterwords. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Also - I'm sorry for your loss. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 A gathering is expected here, as well. Our family always has them in restaurants, but many people host them in a family member's home. I have never been to one at a church, and while some funeral homes have a place to serve refreshments during the wake, I have never heard of the funeral home in our area hosting a gathering afterward, probably because everyone goes to the cemetary after the funeral and it would seem kind of odd to go back to the funeral home after that. But if it's done in other places, it couldn't hurt to ask about it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simplemom Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I would gently ask the children of the deceased if a gathering after the service is something they would like to have offered before planning it. It may be that with the planning of the funeral, the longer trip, visitation prior to the service, and the funeral they are not up for gathering with the friends in town after the service is finished. If they would like a gathering, usually here only the family members and closest friends come. it's mainly something a group, such as a church, offer to minister to the family that day. As an aside: Last week I planned a post funeral meal for a church member. The SIL said 10-15 people at the most would attend, so I planned for 25 just in case. Turned out almost everybody came from the funeral... About 35. Everyone ate, but less than I would have liked. So try to be clear on a rough estimate of how many will be invited (the family only or all the friends as well.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Also - I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you. It's been a rough week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I wouldn't expect it, no. In fact, I think to expect an out of town, grieving family to take on the additional stress and expense of party planning is unreasonable. The funeral director could do it, but retaining paid assistance is also expensive. Perhaps said children could circulate their circumstances and reasons among the family gossips to be sure people are informed of the situation and don't expect a reception. ETA: I just read further down that the loss was in our family. I'm sorry for your loss and sending sympathy. Deceased lived in/near town A for many years, until health problems forced a move near adult child. His friends, many elderly, live in/around town A, and both children live within day-trip driving distance of it, though for one it's a stretch. The funeral will be held in A to accommodate friends.Would you expect some sort of reception after the funeral under these circumstances? Neither adult child lives close enough to host it, and while a restaurant is a possibility, one child needs to leave promptly for a long drive home. An in-law has suggested that a gathering is expected. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I thought this happened at the wake/viewing? Yes, it would be nice. The funeral director can help with suggestions. There might be a local church willing to host and maybe even provide food. Was the deceased a member of a church in their hometown? If so, I would start there. I have been to many post-funeral meals hosted by churches. Some are in the church fellowship hall, some are in the funeral home (most have facilities for this type of thing). It isn't a problem if one sibling can't attend, but family should be there to receive condolences and to hear all of the wonderful stories the friends will tell! It has actually been a very encouraging experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I thought this happened at the wake/viewing? It will, but not everyone will come to the visitation. Some will just come to the funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 There is usually some sort of gathering afterwards, usually with food. Have they asked if the place handling the funeral can handle a reception with finger foods? That was done recently at my SIL's father's funeral. It was a big place, however, and had spare rooms it could use for receptions. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Here the funeral home has rooms for wakes, held the afternoon or evening before the funeral. Then there may be an hour of visitation in the morning before the funeral, either at the funeral home or in the church (if church is used)*. After the funeral, and procession to the cemetery - then on to a reception. Most funeral homes will be glad to nudge you to an appropriate venue, although it is perfectly acceptable to just have store-bought trays of small sandwiches etc. at someone house. Point is to have someplace for folks to reminiscence about the deceased. Note you do not have to do everything. However, having more than one "event" ensures that folks will have an opportunity to offer condolences, etc. Some folks go to everything, some only to the funeral or the wake or a visitation. Depends on their schedule. *or, in the case of my in-laws, who both passed on within a year of each other, wake the night before, visitation at the funeral home early the next morning AND then at the church. After the funeral, a short service at the cemetery, then three-hour-long catered meal at an Italian restaurant, then all six "kids" went to the parent's apartment at the retirement home to drink their father's excellent scotch and reminiscence into the wee hours. Both my in-laws were extremely popular and active in their communities, so it was important to make sure everyone had a chance to "see them off". My hubby is often attending wakes for people, but only also attends the funeral is it is a family member. The folks at the funeral home can set-up and run just about everything. It is what they do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simplemom Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I wouldn't expect it, no. In fact, I think to expect an out of town, grieving family to take on the additional stress and expense of party planning is unreasonable. The funeral director could do it, but retaining paid assistance is also expensive. Perhaps said children could circulate their circumstances and reasons among the family gossips to be sure people are informed of the situation and don't expect a reception. ETA: I just read further down that the loss was in our family. I'm sorry for your loss and sending sympathy. These are my thoughts exactly. If some people who live in town offer a home, restaurant invitation, or gathering place for the grieving family to come to after the service it is fine (as long as the immediate family is up for a visit with others after the funeral visitation and funeral service). But, planning a funeral for a loved one in itself is difficult...I would also not expect the immediate grieving family to plan a social gathering in addition to the visitation and service. That's even if the family is local. I always expect others who attend the funeral to cater to the family, not the family cater to those who come to express condolences. Knowing that none of the family lives there, the friends should understand about not being invited somewhere after the service. I don't even think an explanation for not having a reception is necessary unless the family wants to have an explanation. IMHO, either the friends in town should plan it if they think to do so (understand if they don't think about it, especially since many are elderly) or the in law that mentioned it in the 1st place should plan it (provided that in law is attending, not immediate family, and is able to do so). ETA: I too am sorry for your loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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