8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 In a situation like this, you can suggest that she go to an attorney to see what her options are for protection. Divorce will be one of the options in the attorney's mind, but it doesn't mean that's what your friend would be seeking. However, the attorney will have seen many more messes like this and will know how to best protect against them. If she thinks the priest won't believe her, I'd suggest to her that priests, hearing confessions, probably have heard it all and it's unlikely he wouldn't believe her. The facts will be on her side in any case. Also, the priest is there to provide spiritual guidance and comfort through the trials of life. This is a very hard situation she shouldn't have to slog through on her own. Yes, you're right. I'll keep encouraging her to talk to someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Didn't read all the answers, but moving is a SUPER bad idea because it is what cheaters do to get a great deal in a divorce. They sell the house, cars, business pretending to want to relocate, then when everything is liquid they just take it all and leave the other party with nothing. Works like a charm. He is tricking her, and he intends to leave her penniless. I would hope he wouldn't be that devious but I wouldn't be surprised. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 8circles, on 26 Feb 2015 - 6:14 PM, said: I agree that he doesn't respect her. The other woman's child is not his. She does know about my friend being the wife. They have met - her DH "arranged" for them to be out together (just the 3 of them). Other woman is wanting the arrangement to work and is almost bullying my friend into agreeing. She is divorced and the father of her child has children by several other women. I think my friend honestly feels like she's in the twilight zone and doesn't know how she got there. honestly - this sounds like the other woman is looking for a sugar daddy because the man she CHOSE to have a child with isn't supporting her child. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thank you. She is coping really well on the outside. Me? I'm a mess and it isn't even my marriage. I would be concerned that what looks like coping well may have an element of denial of the true severity of the situation. She can't count on the marriage recovering from this, and needs to be planning for alternatives. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 honestly - this sounds like the other woman is looking for a sugar daddy because the man she CHOSE to have a child with isn't supporting her child. Yes, I thought of that, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I would be concerned that what looks like coping well may have an element of denial of the true severity of the situation. She can't count on the marriage recovering from this, and needs to be planning for alternatives. Yes, I'm also afraid of that. I can't imagine her marriage recovering but she still thinks it's a possibility. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Sigh. It's possible I guess. If it were up to me I'd have divorced him years ago. Before the adultery. Maybe I'll mention it again and see how she reacts. I don't want to add to her stress. At this point, I doubt there is anything you could say that could possibly add to her stress. Her stress levels are off the charts already. If anything, you would be helping bring her down to earth and face reality. The worst thing she can do is wait to see an attorney. She needs to protect her rights and ensure that she gets custody of the kids. For all she knows, the dh has already sought legal advice -- I can almost guarantee that he has. She needs to stop trusting anything he says or does, and to start seeing him as he really is, not as the nice guy she married years ago. He has cheated and lied and she didn't see through him, so she has no clue as to what he may be capable of doing -- or what plans he is already putting in motion. What a terrible situation. :( Is he still living in the house with her and the children? 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Didn't read all the answers, but moving is a SUPER bad idea because it is what cheaters do to get a great deal in a divorce. They sell the house, cars, business pretending to want to relocate, then when everything is liquid they just take it all and leave the other party with nothing. Works like a charm. He is tricking her, and he intends to leave her penniless. I would be very concerned about this as well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 1. He has laid down a demand that she can not and will not honor as a Catholic. This cannot end well. Everyone is right--get her parents to pay, sell jewelry, or get a credit card but GET THEE TO A LAWYER. 2. This is not polyamory. This is adultery and polygamy, because she did not consent. Not okay by any standard I have ever heard of. 3. The message to the kids is going to come from an objective, respected person in the church AND a counselor. Mom can let the church explain. She needn't give any message other than, this is not your fault, and she is doing what is best for the family with the support of their church. 4. For the love of god do not move now. 5. She can tell him that marriage is a sacrament and whatever changes he wants to bring about can go through the church. Surely, she will feel okay standing up for this. She needs to insist that it go through the priest--end of story. He will refuse. She will need you to be there. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Is he still living in the house with her and the children? Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yes, I'm also afraid of that. I can't imagine her marriage recovering but she still thinks it's a possibility. I'll bet she is so shocked and terrified of the future that she is trying to think of anything that would help her feel normal again. Think about how you would feel if one day you were doing regular stuff with the kids and planning your family vacation for the summer... and the next day, your dh announced that he has a girlfriend and he wants you to let her be part of your family. :svengo: :eek: No wonder she is trying to avoid facing reality. It's a really rotten reality. That is why she needs a lawyer. She needs to know she has options. She needs to know how much she can expect to get in alimony and child support. She needs instruction on how to be sure her dh doesn't empty the bank accounts or max out credit cards that are also in her name. There are so many details, but a good divorce attorney will be able to help her calm down and take control of the situation. She is feeling totally out of control of her life right now, and who wouldn't be? She needs the tools that will help her take back that control. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 1. He has laid down a demand that she can not and will not honor as a Catholic. This cannot end well. Everyone is right--get her parents to pay, sell jewelry, or get a credit card but GET THEE TO A LAWYER. 2. This is not polyamory. This is adultery and polygamy, because she did not consent. Not okay by any standard I have ever heard of. 3. The message to the kids is going to come from an objective, respected person in the church AND a counselor. Mom can let the church explain. She needn't give any message other than, this is not your fault, and she is doing what is best for the family with the support of their church. 4. For the love of god do not move now. 5. She can tell him that marriage is a sacrament and whatever changes he wants to bring about can go through the church. Surely, she will feel okay standing up for this. She needs to insist that it go through the priest--end of story. He will refuse. She will need you to be there. This is helpful. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It is sometimes easy to see a person go off the rails and think, "This guy is not in his right mind, so he can't be that strategic." Oh, yes, he can. She needs to lawyer up. No doubt he has already done so; his desire to move indicates he has given this scenario some thought. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yes. I don't know how to ask this gently, so I'll probably phrase it very badly, but is she a particularly wimpy and weak person? Does she do whatever her dh tells her to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It is sometimes easy to see a person go off the rails and think, "This guy is not in his right mind, so he can't be that strategic." Oh, yes, he can. She needs to lawyer up. No doubt he has already done so; his desire to move indicates he has given this scenario some thought. I agree. If he was truly off the rails, he wouldn't have been able to be covert and sneaky about the other woman. He wouldn't have been able to plan ahead and try to get his wife to go along with his scheme. He is probably telling a whole different set of lies to the other woman. He sounds sneaky, not stupid or insane. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 She can also file for separation and get assets divided up and no longer be on the hook for his debts. She will still be legally "married" in most states, but not financially and she won't have filed for divorce. It might force his hand to at some point, but the blood won't be on her hands so to speak. <eye roll> I'll tell you the story of a lady whose husband started cheating on her about 30 yeas ago. He keeps it up with same woman on the side to this day. The wife won't divorce because she "took a vow" and "God hates divorce." As it stands now, the bulk of his multi-million dollar net worth is in his name alone. Her name is on a $400k house, 2 cars and nothing else. He gives her a monthly check to pay for food, their health insurance, whatever else she has to buy or wants. On occasions he tries to drop the payments but her hissy-fits keep it at fixed rates. I call it her alimony check, she calls it her welfare check. He has disinherited their only child and their grandchildren. Most of her money, what little it is, is in her child's name alone so it won't be left to him if he passes. She's an enabler and he has no reason to leave. I don't blame her for staying when the kid was young. It was a good business deal the. She got private school education, music lessons, on and on, all paid for and she could be a stay at home mom. It retrospect it was probably the best thing for the kid. But right now, it's a very poor business decision and theirs is not a marriage, it's a business arrangement. I hope it all works out for her, because she's my mom. I gave her a chance to get out. Even offered to pay for a place to live for a few months, and to front legal expenses. I'm done now. She's chosen him over us. She is wonderful, still in our lives and I love her to death. But, she's made her choice and she's on her own if it comes down to it. I would gladly repay her for all the babysitting she's done for us, but beyond that she is his responsibility. I hope he's left her something if he goes first. Your friend should consider her situation with the cold reality of a businesswoman. This is a "deal" not a marriage. No matter how much she wants to kid herself otherwise. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Wow, momacacia. :( I'm so sorry about your mom. It must have been so stressful for you all these years. :grouphug: (I didn't quote you in case you decide to delete any of the details later.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thank you for this. I am clueless about this kind of stuff. Can you give me the cliff notes on why this is a bad idea? She is trying to avoid divorce at almost all cost and I know she will not be happy if I suggest an attorney. Your friend doesn't have a marriage. She has some history, a piece of paper, and a lot of potential mess and chaos. She's not "saving" or "holding on to" anything. New love acts like an addiction the the body/brain. Her husband is in full addiction, which includes the selfishness, hyperfocus, defense mechanisms, and insane behavior. It is made more absurd by the context of an affair. The sad, and stark reality is that HIS choices have forced her to make choices in order to be healthy. There is no way around that. Therapist, Spiritual direction, and attorney. It's not fair, not comfortable. It sucks. But there is no way to be healthy and strong without it. Yes, people can live happily and healthy in a variety of agreed and mutual relationships, including polyarmory. This is not that. Please be prepared for the possibility he (and his new love) will become convinced of the rightness of their union and move forward legally with bold and brash action, expecting people to fall in line. Don't be surprised if people (usually his family) eventually capitulate and buy into his predicable re-write of history. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I would hope he wouldn't be that devious but I wouldn't be surprised. At this point, we have no reason to assume that he would be anything other than that devious. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 At this point, we have no reason to assume that he would be anything other than that devious. That is absolutely true. He has shown himself to be not only a liar and a cheat, but also as the kind of person who is so self-absorbed that he doesn't take his wife's feelings into account at all and who expects her to sacrifice her entire life as she knows it, just so he can have what he wants. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I suggested this. She said there was no way she would talk to her priest about this. She said he would think she was making it up. I suggested she look into counseling through her parish. She doesn't want to comply with his request. I think she suspects he's having some kind of psychotic break or something. She doesn't believe that the real "he" would truly be doing this to her. Please urge her to reconsider talking to a priest. That is what he's there for. Surely, a Catholic counselor in her parish would also encourage her to talk to a priest. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 That is absolutely true. He has shown himself to be not only a liar and a cheat, but also as the kind of person who is so self-absorbed that he doesn't take his wife's feelings into account at all and who expects her to sacrifice her entire life as she knows it, just so he can have what he wants. This situation just makes my head explode. That is all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Please urge her to reconsider talking to a priest. That is what he's there for. Surely, a Catholic counselor in her parish would also encourage her to talk to a priest. :iagree: I think it is so sad that she thinks her priest wouldn't believe her. If that is the case, she should find a different priest! Honestly though, I'll bet she is feeling too embarrassed to tell the priest. I am sure he would believe her. Priests have heard it all! Please remind her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. She did nothing wrong. Her dh's actions are not a reflection of her character. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Catwoman, on 26 Feb 2015 - 7:56 PM, said:That is such an important point, and is something you might want to ask her if she seems conflicted about what to do. "If this happened to your daughter, what would you advise her to do?" future-son-in-law's brother is a dr. he was freaking out when he had an ear infection - because he didn't know what to do. fsil asked him "what would you do if a patient came to you with one?" "well, I'd . . . ." okay Jay - so do that. my point being - even trained professionals can freak out when they are in the middle of it. helping them stand back and think how they'd handle it if it was someone else can help them to think more objectively. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I'll bet she is so shocked and terrified of the future that she is trying to think of anything that would help her feel normal again. Think about how you would feel if one day you were doing regular stuff with the kids and planning your family vacation for the summer... and the next day, your dh announced that he has a girlfriend and he wants you to let her be part of your family. :svengo: :eek: No wonder she is trying to avoid facing reality. It's a really rotten reality. That is why she needs a lawyer. She needs to know she has options. She needs to know how much she can expect to get in alimony and child support. She needs instruction on how to be sure her dh doesn't empty the bank accounts or max out credit cards that are also in her name. There are so many details, but a good divorce attorney will be able to help her calm down and take control of the situation. She is feeling totally out of control of her life right now, and who wouldn't be? She needs the tools that will help her take back that control. Helpful the way you phrased it. I'm going to use this. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I don't know how to ask this gently, so I'll probably phrase it very badly, but is she a particularly wimpy and weak person? Does she do whatever her dh tells her to do? Wimpy or weak? No, I wouldn't say so in general. But accepting of "men being men" in the machismo sense. IDK, I'm missing the words right now. She does tolerate much more from people in general than I would personally. She definitely speaks her mind but would do it with more of a laugh than being angry. (I'm not referring to this situation, but her personality in general - she is mad about this & they've argued quite intensely about it). I would say that she leans toward people-pleaser. She is very sweet and forgiving, especially with family. ETA: I didn't answer the 2nd part. No, she doesn't do whatever her DH wants. She's pretty independent and confident about most things. But I think that there household would probably be he has the final say over big things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Wow, momacacia. :( I'm so sorry about your mom. It must have been so stressful for you all these years. :grouphug: (I didn't quote you in case you decide to delete any of the details later.) I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Your friend doesn't have a marriage. She has some history, a piece of paper, and a lot of potential mess and chaos. She's not "saving" or "holding on to" anything. New love acts like an addiction the the body/brain. Her husband is in full addiction, which includes the selfishness, hyperfocus, defense mechanisms, and insane behavior. It is made more absurd by the context of an affair. The sad, and stark reality is that HIS choices have forced her to make choices in order to be healthy. There is no way around that. Therapist, Spiritual direction, and attorney. It's not fair, not comfortable. It sucks. But there is no way to be healthy and strong without it. Yes, people can live happily and healthy in a variety of agreed and mutual relationships, including polyarmory. This is not that. Please be prepared for the possibility he (and his new love) will become convinced of the rightness of their union and move forward legally with bold and brash action, expecting people to fall in line. Don't be surprised if people (usually his family) eventually capitulate and buy into his predicable re-write of history. THank you, Joanne. You're right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 :iagree: I think it is so sad that she thinks her priest wouldn't believe her. If that is the case, she should find a different priest! Honestly though, I'll bet she is feeling too embarrassed to tell the priest. I am sure he would believe her. Priests have heard it all! Please remind her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. She did nothing wrong. Her dh's actions are not a reflection of her character. I think you're right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 This is a good thing for a friend to do - be that constant reality check that she doesn't need to be paralysed by the shame she probably feels, because it doesn't belong to her! She hasn't done anything wrong. Yes, thank you for this reminder. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Wimpy or weak? No, I wouldn't say so in general. But accepting of "men being men" in the machismo sense. IDK, I'm missing the words right now. She does tolerate much more from people in general than I would personally. She definitely speaks her mind but would do it with more of a laugh than being angry. (I'm not referring to this situation, but her personality in general - she is mad about this & they've argued quite intensely about it). I would say that she leans toward people-pleaser. She is very sweet and forgiving, especially with family. ETA: I didn't answer the 2nd part. No, she doesn't do whatever her DH wants. She's pretty independent and confident about most things. But I think that there household would probably be he has the final say over big things. I'm glad to hear that she has a mind of her own. I was worried that she might be more of a submissive type, and that would make things even harder on her. She may be waiting to take action because she wants to get her head together and calm down, but in a case like this where her dh has been so dishonest with her, it is to her advantage to be prepared for the worst, even if part of her is still desperately hoping for the best. Realistically, she won't be able to calm down or make a good decision until she knows what her options are, so that's why seeing a good divorce attorney makes so much sense. She doesn't have to file for divorce just because she saw a lawyer. If she is still anti-divorce or on the fence about it, that is fine, but she needs to keep reminding herself that getting professional advice "just in case" is the sensible thing to do, no matter how she ultimately decides to use that information -- and also because her dh may not be nearly as anti-divorce as he is claiming to be. I have no doubt the dh is getting his ducks in a row and that he will not hesitate to blindside her if he starts sensing that she isn't going to give him what he wants in terms of the other woman. I just wish your friend would realize that. I know she is his wife, but she is no longer his primary relationship -- if she was, her dh wouldn't want the other woman to join the family. (And the other woman is probably encouraging him to leave your friend and get the best settlement possible, so he has a built-in cheering squad to tell him how he is right and your friend is the problem.) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 By the way, I just wanted to say that your friend is so lucky to have you to help and support her through this. You are a good friend. :) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I remember during my divorce, I was so ashamed that I didn't see his true character before. That I made such a colossal misjudgment of character. I was embarrassed and my pride was hurt, to be honest. I had to get to a point where I realized that staying to prove I hadn't made a mistake was even worse. Also, knowing I was not the first woman to marry someone who could betray me-- that was important. That bad luck played a role. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 OP, she is lucky to have you for support. She will certainly continue to need it. I have nothing to add since I think everyone here is pretty much of the same mind in their responses and I agree with them. Hugs to you both and best wishes. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Okay, I just went through a kind of similar situation with a friend. I can tell you right that most likely the husband's main concern is NOT paying out alimony and child support. It's NOT because he loves your friends mind, soul, whatever that he wants this arrangement. Lie, lie, lie...oh, how these men LIE. What I don't understand is how is this other woman talking to your friend? Your friend needs to set sone boundaries and take control of this situation. I would kick dh out (kids do not need to be in a homevwith this level of coflict...NOT okay IMO) and only, ever talk to him (never to the the other woman...um, restraining order...check) with a mediator present at all times, ALWAYS. THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO MANIPULATE, CONTROL, AND CONFUSE. That would be my BEST case scenario. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I did ask if she had a therapist to talk to about it (I know she has seen one before). She said she had tried getting an appointment but it was over a month wait. I suggested my therapist as an option - I'm pretty sure she could get in there within a week. He has always refused therapy in the past so I doubt he'd go now. He seems to think he's the one being reasonable and she isn't. What a complete and utter jerk. Firstly he carries on with another woman then tries to emotionally manipulate his wife to claim his despicable desire is right and reasonable. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yes, I'm also afraid of that. I can't imagine her marriage recovering but she still thinks it's a possibility. Maybe reframing divorce would help her. Imagine if she files right away. She is completely in the right. Likely she will get the house and custody. So when (as she believes) he comes to his senses, he will have something to come back to. If she waits awhile, things are going to get twisted. It's going to seem if she was OK with this weird situation. The girl is going to burn through all the money and when (as she sees it) her husband comes to his senses, there will be nothing left for him or the family. There is plenty of time later for her to come to terms with the fact that he might be crazy (and maybe she won't even want him to come back.) I would really recommend that she find a way to tape some of these conversations about the new lifestyle. It won't be admissible in court, but it will help her talk to the priest and lawyer without thinking they won't believe her. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 What her husband and his new gal (who I see as desperate to find some way to get out from under her own financial burdens) are doing to her is abhorrent. It is in no way reasonable and if she doesn't want to see it that way, she is denying reality. I know you are a friend and want to speak kindly to your friend. But sometimes we need a wake-up slap across the face to understand the reality of our surroundings. In your shoes, I would appeal to her based on how this will affect her children. I believe watching her slowly be manipulated and used up by their father, new gal and new kid (how are the children to feel about that?!!) will be far more damaging than her being proactive in defending herself and them. She can bone up now, and later, if he has an aha moment, be in the position to make a choice about whether or not to forgive and forget. But right now, she needs to circle the wagons - legal, financial and emotional protections - around her children. And I just have to say, meeting the other woman? Lunacy. Restraining order and alienation of affection charges. No way would I let her have any contact with my kids, no access to whispering anything into their young inexperienced ears. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Please, please, please help your friend make copies of every financial document she can get her hands on. She needs to establish a separate bank account and take living expenses out of their joint accounts. I've seen cheating spouses drain finances very quickly. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Please, please, please help your friend make copies of every financial document she can get her hands on. She needs to establish a separate bank account and take living expenses out of their joint accounts. I've seen cheating spouses drain finances very quickly. I agree. She needs to move very quickly on this as if they're separating and/or divorcing. He's taken a big step in the wrong direction, and she needs to protect herself and the children. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Please, please, please help your friend make copies of every financial document she can get her hands on. She needs to establish a separate bank account and take living expenses out of their joint accounts. I've seen cheating spouses drain finances very quickly. ...if only I could "like" this more than once.... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I don't put any blame on the other woman. Who knows what he told her? For all she knows, he told her that his wife was down with a polyamorous relationship and is thrilled about having another woman in the family. Maybe once the other woman meets the wife she will realize he is not practicing consensual non-monogamy but is just a cheating jerk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I hate to "have" to say it, but she needs an STD screening. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 ... They have met - her DH "arranged" for them to be out together (just the 3 of them). Other woman is wanting the arrangement to work and is almost bullying my friend into agreeing. ... Based on the info above, I absolutely do believe that 8circles' friend needs to consider the other woman complicit in the manipulation and should keep her distance. OW doesn't get off the hook here. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Please, please, please help your friend make copies of every financial document she can get her hands on. She needs to establish a separate bank account and take living expenses out of their joint accounts. I've seen cheating spouses drain finances very quickly. I agree! My first concern, when you said they would be relocating out of state, was the possibility of him filing for divorce where the laws would be more favorable to him. The more you've shared, the more concern I feel that once their home is sold he will simply take off with the girlfriend and the funds. A lawyer can help guide her in legally separating their finances before the situation gets worse. She must consult a lawyer. She can tell the lawyer up front that filing for divorce is not an option, and any reputable family lawyer will respect that and help her to protect herself and the children without divorcing. I just see a lot of advice being thrown around in this thread (kick him out, get him on tape about the polygamy, etc) which may or may not be legal in her state. Only a lawyer can guide her through the legal options in her state for separating their finances, documenting the marital situation, removing him from the home, and gaining custody of the children. I also feel very concerned about the fact that she doesn't want to speak to her priest. Is she keeping the situation secret from friends and family members as well? I completely understand the instinct to do so, but it creates a situation where there are essentially no witnesses and the situation could become a he said/she said where he simply denies everything. The silence becomes another way for her husband to control and manipulate her. Now is the time to confide in anyone she could potentially trust: priest, family members, close friends, etc. Once the legal situation is sorted, I would also strongly advise her to break the news to her husband's family herself, so that they know the real reason for the separation. Her silence allows her husband to lie about the cause of the separation and even well-meaning relatives could repeat those lies to her children. I'm not suggesting that she trash-talk him to anyone, but it would go a long way for her to state to everyone, "Dh has admitted to me that he has been having an affair with girlfriend. He refuses to end his relationship with girlfriend and is demanding that I allow her to join our household. I wanted to let you know that I am temporarily separating from him in order to protect our children from the situation." The truth is powerful. Now is the time to seize that power. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 They are Catholic. Thank you for the recommendation. Is her DH Catholic? If so, you may tell her to bring him with her to a priest for counseling - NO priest is going to think this is a good idea. Huge no-no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Chumplaby.com is a great website on this score. It is not Christian and it is not anti-divorce by any stretch , but she does a good job of describing and giving ways to deal with the Narcissist that this woman's husband is. She really needs to read *something* like this, if not the chump lady site, to see her situation clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thank all of you ladies for the advice and kind comments. I won't have time to respond individually for a while but I've appreciated each response immensely. I'm trying to keep a cool head and will try to arrange a chat with her today. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Joanne, on 27 Feb 2015 - 06:42 AM, said:I hate to "have" to say it, but she needs an STD screening. don't 'hate' having to say it - it *might* wake her up! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Honestly at this point I think even most Catholic priests would tell her to get out now, she deserves an annulment. She needs to go talk to a priest so she knows in this sort of case the morally correct choice is ultimatum then divorce. She won't see an attorney until she feels morally clear about it. And if she sells anything or moves anywhere he will steal the money. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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