fruitofthewomb Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 DD is 9. She has wanted donuts for a while. I surprised her by buying some. Told her we would have hot cocoa & donuts while doing our morning basket. She has had such a bad attitude this morning & has talked back to me numerous times. Also picked fights with sisters. I told her no donuts. Is it wrong to punish that way? Buying the donuts wasn't meant to be a reward or punishment. Just for fun. But I don't want to reward such terrible behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I think you made the right choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I think you should have the donuts. Find another way to deal with her behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 DD is 9. She has wanted donuts for a while. I surprised her by buying some. Told her we would have hot cocoa & donuts while doing our morning basket. She has had such a bad attitude this morning & has talked back to me numerous times. Also picked fights with sisters. I told her no donuts. Is it wrong to punish that way? Buying the donuts wasn't meant to be a reward or punishment. Just for fun. But I don't want to reward such terrible behavior. I could go either way on this one. It really would depend on the situation for me. But, just looking at your OP... if the donuts were not a reward, how would they be rewarding the bad behavior? There have been times when I've told my kids "if we can do x, we'll have y as a treat." Then it is clearly a reward and if x doesn't get accomplished, the treat isn't given. X can be getting through a certain task, or getting through the morning without bickering, etc. When my kids were younger, we'd sometimes do a restart on the day if one or both kids was having trouble behaving. I'd send us all to our rooms for a minute, then come out, say "good morning!" and start over. That would probably be when I'd bring out the donuts. :grouphug: These situations can be so difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I don't know your parenting style, so not commenting on whether it was right or wrong for your family - I think as long as you are consistent, and she knew to expect this consequence for her actions, you're good. (For me, it would depend on the specifics - what she said, how she said it, and we'd probably discuss those things over donuts and hot cocoa, talking about our feelings, how we got to that place, and how to prevent it next time.) But I did want to say... Thanks. Now craving donuts here. :D Pondering a run to Dunkin Donuts... Want to pass me a donut?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I think since you have already told her no donuts, you need to stick with that. Can you give her a way to "earn" them back for an afternoon snack by straightening up her behavior and writing everyone an apology note (even if it is just one generic note for everyone)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I think maybe couching it as "we can't have a treat if people are being naughty." I would warn once and give her a chance to correct her behavior. I agree that if you already said no donuts, it would generally be wise to stick to what you said. Perhaps tell her that she can have a donut tomorrow if she behaves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I wouldn't tie reward/punishment into the food, but I don't know that I would want to go out of my way to do something special for someone who's being rude to me. It depends on the why though. Sometimes a little extra TLC resolves a bad attitude pretty quickly. If she skipped breakfast waiting for the doughnuts, could that be the root of the problem? One of mine when unfed is scary! Totally appreciate those Snickers commercials. Give hangry kiddo some protein and see if she turns it around? Maybe a surprise afternoon snack instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It sounds to me like you are having doubts. The doughnuts were meant to be a special treat, daughter was behaving poorly for unrelated reasons, you perhaps took doughnuts back a bit rashly, now you are doubting yourself (or that's how I'm reading it). That's a normal enough response, but I like the idea of starting over. "Daughter, this day isn't going as I'd hoped. Perhaps we both need a few minutes to reset. I feel like it was unfair of me to say no to the doughnuts, so if we can unruffled our feathers, let's sit down together and let's enjoy our snack and have a snuggle. Sound good?" I'm big on admitting when I've said something I didn't mean or acted in a less than positive way, though. It makes for good modeling--and lets you enjoy your treats before they go stale! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I don't think that's a logical consequence. It sounds like you define "rewarding bad behavior" as allowing your kids to have or do something they would like, regardless of whether it's connected in any way to the behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I know the feeling...When you want to do something extra special for your kid and the kid is of their worst behavior...Happens to me as if by magic. :crying: I really try not to tie my good will and generosity to their behavior, especially as you say, the donuts were just for fun, not a reward. I've done the same in the past, or tempted to do the same, but I don't think it is the right thing to do. If it were me (and BTDT) I'd explain my feelings to the child and how in real life we do get affected by other people's rudeness even if we wish we weren't, and therefore we really don't feel like treating a brat to donuts, talk about forgiveness and gifts being unconditional, and enjoy those donuts--fresh start. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I meant to add that it also depends on whether sugar is an issue for the child. One of my kids has a problematic relationship with sugar. She loves it, but it affects her brain in a bad way. I try to take a reasonable approach, but it doesn't always work. When she is looking forward to a sugary treat, she becomes very single-minded, will skip most of her meal, and will dispense with politeness etc. (unless she thinks eating or politeness will get her the treat faster). If things don't go her way during those times, she is more likely than usual to become difficult. When that happens, I will tell her that her behavior means sugar is becoming too much of a problem for her, and I'm not going to make things worse by giving more sugar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It sounds to me like you are having doubts. The doughnuts were meant to be a special treat, daughter was behaving poorly for unrelated reasons, you perhaps took doughnuts back a bit rashly, now you are doubting yourself (or that's how I'm reading it). That's a normal enough response, but I like the idea of starting over. "Daughter, this day isn't going as I'd hoped. Perhaps we both need a few minutes to reset. I feel like it was unfair of me to say no to the doughnuts, so if we can unruffled our feathers, let's sit down together and let's enjoy our snack and have a snuggle. Sound good?" I'm big on admitting when I've said something I didn't mean or acted in a less than positive way, though. It makes for good modeling--and lets you enjoy your treats before they go stale! :) Yes! I'm baffled by the idea that admitting one's mistake as a parent is somehow undesirable, as in "you already said "no" so you can't change your mind." I think the latter doesn't model good decision making. If I make a rushed decision that I regret, I want to model a positive way of dealing with it, rather than the idea that one needs to be stuck with a bad decision. Besides, this *feels* much better. It feels real and authentic to me. So I'm not doing it just for "modeling." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 My first instinct would be to preserve the special time together. Often when kids are the naughtiest are when they need that together time the most. I would probably have preserved it so we could have a private chat and snack together and talk about her attitude today and what we could do to change it. However, I can very easily see that there are times when kids go beyond warnings and need concrete repercussions. Sometimes you don't have time for special snacks because you're too busy putting things back in order, smoothing ruffled feathers, trying to get work finished. Just let it be a special time later. Whatever the case, you made the call. Stick with it. Try to reconnect with her and move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I am not sure that taking the donuts away is a wrong consequence. I would say that those involved need to work on better behavior, and how do you work on better behavior if you're having a special treat? If the behavior was that bad, it should be taken seriously, not shrugged off with "oh well, on with our fun sugary escapist plans." At a minimum I would postpone the donuts until the behavior was appropriately addressed. I do agree that it is also OK to say "when I said 'no donuts,' I was reacting to the frustration of the moment. I didn't mean no donuts ever. I want a donut too! But donuts need to take a back seat to treating each other with respect. So let's work on that and maybe we can have donuts later." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 When DS19 was little, the "do-over" was our best method. Sometimes, he would just start off the day On The Dark Side and it would go downhill from there. He could recognize it, but rarely seemed able to turn it around on his own. And the more he was chided/reminded/punished, the worse his behavior got. There were many days where we would stop, I would send him off to shower or do a chore and tell him that when he came back, it was a "do-over" - wipe the slate clean and restart with good attitudes. Sometimes, it was the anxiety of anticipating some great treat that kicked off the bad behavior. If you want donuts this morning ( :lol: ), I would see if a restart helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I wouldn't have taken away the doughnuts. IME difficult children are often the ones most in need of love and positive attention. This is your dd going through a med change and whole lot of other brain function stuff. Celebrate the positive, give a lot of grace, and tie consequences directly to behavior. IOW, an out of control kid gets a few minutes to regroup quietly, then have a quiet private chat with mom where child gets to explain what went wrong and strategize as to what they could've done differently. Give her better tools to cope with herself rather than take away something that she enjoys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Just another thought - were the donuts for everyone? I sometimes fell into the trap of inadvertently punishing both kids when one misbehaved. If, for example, I had donuts, but decided one of my kids could not have one because of poor behavior, the other might get the donut, but it wouldn't be as fun or special anymore. The time together - eating donuts, drinking cocoa, reading or looking at books - would be spoiled. Just another dimension to add to the event... And then, you're stuck buying donuts AGAIN so everyone can have some. I'm also big on backtracking when I've spoken rashly. I see no reason to pretend all my decisions are well-thought-out and never to be reversed. I think most parents at one time or another say "that's it! No [whatever] for you!" out of frustration. We have to give ourselves and our kids a way out of that. I find it works best to just apologize and say "yeah, I got a little crazy there, but you know... you were driving me nuts with [behavior]." Basically it's another restart but with mom needing it more than the kid sometimes. When I go pick my daughter up at her class this afternoon, I may take the slight detour past Dunkin' Donuts and pick up a couple. Or, maybe I'll slip into the Baskin Robbins next store and get myself a cone (referencing another thread).... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I wouldn't have taken away the donuts unless they were tied as a reward for good behavior. My 9 year old is still very black and white in his thinking and if I told him we were having a special treat for no particular reason (not based on behavior) he would feel lied to if I didn't follow through. It would make his behavior worse, not better. I understand the feeling of not wanting to do something special for someone who is not treating you well, but sometimes with my kids I feel like doing that special thing helps them to understand that I still love them even when they are misbehaving. I address the misbehavior in other ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 If the behavior was that bad, it should be taken seriously, not shrugged off with "oh well, on with our fun sugary escapist plans." Eating a donut doesn't count as a fun, escapist plan in my book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fruitofthewomb Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Thanks for the replies. It always helps me to think it through with others!! We had the donuts. I sent her to her room & after a bit went in to chat with her. We talked about her attitude & behavior and why it wasn't ok. She asked if she could earn back the donuts. I told her I would think it over while we did school work. That we would do morning basket last instead of first so I could have time to think. She was very very good and worked hard. So we had donuts & cocoa and I feel good about that decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It sounds like it worked out just fine. Food is just food at our house; I think it can set up future problems to use certain foods that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I would have had donuts. Like you said, it was for a fun "hot cocoa and donuts" experience. Punishment and reward, in my humble opinion, should not be food related. I would discipline the behavior and then have that donut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I'm glad to hear it worked out -- I think you handled the situation very well. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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