Laura Corin Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I was told it would happen. But it's extraordinary to see. Calvin has been away for almost four weeks and Hobbes is flourishing. Part of it is his age: he has grown three inches this summer, and is coming into his own. Part of it is just that his brother took a lot of the oxygen in the room. Part of it is that he is so much more real to me (I'm ashamed to say) now that I can focus just on him. I'm looking forward to getting to know him over the next three years, whilst Calvin is away at university. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 After the bickering and tears today by dd8 about always being wrong, her sister always being right and how mean that is for so many, many, many reasons (I had to stop listening) all I can say is, "two more years, two more years, two more years...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I'm glad you're seeing such positive changes! We're in exactly the same boat, and I'm hoping we start seeing those changes in youngest DS (just left oldest DS at his university yesterday). And yes, I totally understand what you mean about the oldest sucking all the oxygen from the room! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I'm hopeful too! Eldest is sitting on his dorm bed now and we are awaiting a meeting then leaving. Oh, how I hope this helps youngest ds15. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I was told it would happen. But it's extraordinary to see. Calvin has been away for almost four weeks and Hobbes is flourishing. Part of it is his age: he has grown three inches this summer, and is coming into his own. Part of it is just that his brother took a lot of the oxygen in the room. Part of it is that he is so much more real to me (I'm ashamed to say) now that I can focus just on him. I'm looking forward to getting to know him over the next three years, whilst Calvin is away at university. L I know. I think it will happen here too. I have an oxygen sucker as well. (2 more years) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I remember the feeling of having room to stretch my wings after my older siblings left home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 I remember the feeling of having room to stretch my wings after my older siblings left home. I never had that. My father left at about the same time my brothers did, so we went from a happy (I thought) family of five to an unhappy family of two. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I never had that. My father left at about the same time my brothers did, so we went from a happy (I thought) family of five to an unhappy family of two. L Ah yes, that would color the experience very differently :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 As mother of an only, I will not experience this. But I am seeing it happen in friends' families. It's kinda cool. And it's great also because eldest is ALSO blooming. Just elsewhere. And if I recollect correctly, it was true for my family when I left. :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 How special that opportunity is for the two of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I'm looking forward to the same -- DS8 is the youngest of four and gets attention by being loud and slightly obnoxious. This coming school year his three older siblings will be gone! Two to boarding school, one to gap year in China. I'm really looking forward to spending time with ds and focussing on his needs. Xdh is only partly in the picture so it's just the two of us.This past year the big three have been so busy with exams etc that the little one has been ignored. Now I will have more time for just him. Looking forward to seeing what he's like when he's not fighting for attention. Planning a few weekends away with just the two of us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I never had that. My father left at about the same time my brothers did, so we went from a happy (I thought) family of five to an unhappy family of two. L That must have been hard. Sorry you didn't get the chance. We're possibly going from a happy (I thought) family of 4 to a family of 3 and I'm really hoping it's not going to be unhappy for too long. If you have any tips from your experience that might help I'd love to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 What do you mean by "oxygen sucker?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 What do you mean by "oxygen sucker?" The child that needs the most attention, usually a lot more than other siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I suspect "oxygen sucker" means they talk so much they suck all of the oxygen out of the room. We definitely see it here. DS18 spoke more in the two years since DD20 went to college than in the previous 16 combined. If there was something to say, she said it. He rarely got a word in edge-wise. DD13 tells me she is looking forward to being the only kid at home. She expects we will never run out of towels and no one will yell at her for playing her music too loud. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I remember the feeling of having room to stretch my wings after my older siblings left home. That's how my younger behaved when older attended B&M public school K and 1st. In my case both are oxygen suckers so they bloom in separate classes but underperform in the same class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 This is encouraging to hear. My two olders are 18 months apart and my 13 year old just started public school. I realized this week that this is the first time I've been able to focus on giving my 11 year old exactly what she needs in school without worrying about her sister. There's no bickering from 8-3 in my house, which is just amazing to me. :) My 13 year old is the louder, more demanding, more outspoken, more emotional of the two, so I definitely understand how one child can just overshadow the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The child that needs the most attention, usually a lot more than other siblings. Oh yeah. I know exactly what you mean. My oldest is like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 The child that needs the most attention, usually a lot more than other siblings. In Calvin's case..... I'm not sure that it's exactly that he needs most attention. More that his personality demands attention. He's extremely skilled with words, so he's able to turn conversations his way whilst the rest of us are still chatting around the subject. It's hard to put my finger on.... And the very fact that C has been preparing to go to university has meant that we've been concentrating more on him. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 That must have been hard. Sorry you didn't get the chance. We're possibly going from a happy (I thought) family of 4 to a family of 3 and I'm really hoping it's not going to be unhappy for too long. If you have any tips from your experience that might help I'd love to hear. I really don't. It was a long time ago. The only thing that I would say is to watch out for kids who seem to be doing fine. I'm not saying that you should force them to talk about what is happening if they are holding it together on their own - a psychologist friend of mine was recently talking about how modern psychological theory is discovering the benefits of denial as a coping mechanism - but just offer as many hugs and as much love to the ones who seem to be coping as to the others. Best of luck L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 As mother of an only, I will not experience this. But I am seeing it happen in friends' families. It's kinda cool. And it's great also because eldest is ALSO blooming. Just elsewhere. And if I recollect correctly, it was true for my family when I left. :0) Yes, my 2nd came into his own after eldest moved away to school, and eldest is also doing well, just in a different location as you say above. Oldest isn't an oxygen sucker but a high achiever, which I believe always made younger feel... well, just less than. I love the young man he has become. I was thinking just yesterday how satisfying it has been to see the blossom and changing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in NY Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 It is interesting, isn't it? This definitely happened here, too, and it's been a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The child that needs the most attention, usually a lot more than other siblings. That was the middle child in my FOO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The 1st boy I was ever interested in dating was a 15-year-old whose brother had just left for college. Frankly I hadn't paid him much attention before because he seemed a bit moody and withdrawn. He rarely spoke around older brother. Older brother was intelligent, creative, charming, and uproariously funny. Amusingly, he was a Calvin and Hobbes comic-lover and a skilled artist who would make customized C&H posters for our church youth room with tweaked jokes/wording. When he left, younger brother suddenly revealed he had a personality! He too was intelligent and creative, though his charm and wit were more of a more complex and deeper type that were more wry and sarcastic than side-splitting. I was a bit smitten at 16, but he was a bit young at that point to date and moved away 6 months later. So watch out for older girls suddenly finding Hobbes more interesting! In their case I actually saw the older repeatedly dress down the younger for getting laughs in groups. Older much craved alpha male status. Once he left younger came into his own and it was fun to watch, even if I had to find love elsewhere at 19...:) I was the oxygen-sucking, high achieving oldest in my family--and my DH is an intelligent, creative, witty, sarcastic, complex youngest with a very attention-needy brother 3 years older. Thanks to this thread I just realized I ended up marrying a man very much like the boy I first admired at 16!!! The funny thing is DH would have been 14 then so it's a good thing I met him when he was newly 17 in college. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 My two are close and miss each other. Life seems so right when the four of us are together. But ds is really coming into his own and I'm enjoying my time with just him. Dd now says ds is so much cooler than she is. haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 My oxygen sucker is also very skilled verbally. He's very independent and self-sufficient as far as taking care of himself. But with his verbal skills he can and will take over any family conversation and make it either about himself or turn it into a debate about something just so he can debate. He's a bit more reserved and polite with people he doesn't know well, and even friends, but drops the good manners around family. So while he doesn't mean to, he frequently bulldozes over his younger brother in family conversations. And to a certain extent he does the same thing to DH. Youngest DS and DH need to think and then tend to speak slowly, whereas oldest DS and I tend to think and speak quickly. Thankfully, over the years I've learned to manage my tendency to do that. Oldest hasn't yet, at least not in family situations. Combine that with college visits and applications and getting ready (things that naturally turned a lot of attention to him), and . . . total oxygen suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 My oxygen sucker is also very skilled verbally. He's very independent and self-sufficient as far as taking care of himself. But with his verbal skills he can and will take over any family conversation and make it either about himself or turn it into a debate about something just so he can debate. He's a bit more reserved and polite with people he doesn't know well, and even friends, but drops the good manners around family. So while he doesn't mean to, he frequently bulldozes over his younger brother in family conversations. And to a certain extent he does the same thing to DH. Youngest DS and DH need to think and then tend to speak slowly, whereas oldest DS and I tend to think and speak quickly. Thankfully, over the years I've learned to manage my tendency to do that. Oldest hasn't yet, at least not in family situations. Combine that with college visits and applications and getting ready (things that naturally turned a lot of attention to him), and . . . total oxygen suck. Sounds very familiar. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aspasia Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Interesting. My kids are still super little, but we have talked about dd7 this way, about how she's a bit of an oxygen sucker. Doesn't matter what it's about, if anyone in the family is getting attention for anything, she somehow figures out how to make it all about her. It doesn't help that at this age, she's really the only one who plays sports or goes to camps or takes piano lessons or does school. Everything kind of IS about her. I've often worried, particularly about ds4. I've wondered sometimes if this will permanently change him. He is fairly mature for his age, and doesn't seem to really note a difference between himself and dd7. He has some behavior problems that I hope will be at least a little resolved as soon as he can get out from under dd's shadow and have his own identity--maybe with a different sport than she plays or a different instrument or different interests in school, etc. Something that is just his, that she can't commandeer. Anyway, it's nice to know that these younger siblings still have a chance at being who they are and want to be! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 I was told it would happen. But it's extraordinary to see. Calvin has been away for almost four weeks and Hobbes is flourishing. Part of it is his age: he has grown three inches this summer, and is coming into his own. Part of it is just that his brother took a lot of the oxygen in the room. Part of it is that he is so much more real to me (I'm ashamed to say) now that I can focus just on him. I'm looking forward to getting to know him over the next three years, whilst Calvin is away at university. L I've noticed my younger son blooming even when my older son is away just for the weekend. My older son is very energy intensive, and not always in a good way, while my younger son is more laid back, so he often does not get as much attention. Like you, I have a hard time focusing on him because my older son needs so much more. Sometimes I feel bad for this. I have even talked with my younger son about it, and I think he knows that older's needs are different. FWIW, my 11 year old is way more mature than my 14 year old, and that is a large part of the problem, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Another Jen Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 We noticed that when our oldest 2 left home. Son #3 bloomed into the self he couldn't be while they were harassing him. Now we have the opposite problem. Son #3 is leaving and is so good with son#4 who is only 9. It is going to be a tearful few weeks here. They get along so well and the older is so good with the younger. It'll be even worse when his sister leaves in 3 years. He will be 12 then. I know he won't be able to get away with anything cause he will have my eye of sauron right on him with no distractions. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 My youngest is our oxygen sucker, but I've noticed a drastic decline in oxygen sucking ever since DS20 and DIL moved out early this year. It made me wonder how much was just attention seeking behavior rather than it being part of his personality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Son #3 is leaving and is so good with son#4 who is only 9. It is going to be a tearful few weeks here. I don't have a third or a fourth, but I've noticed my younger son plays so well with his much younger cousin. He adores her. Will do anything she wants -- I think he is trying to be the big brother that he never had. :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Part of it is just that his brother took a lot of the oxygen in the room. Yes, this! This is my dd exactly. Don't get me wrong, we love dd and are proud of her. It's just that "type A personality" only begins to describe this child. She's exhausting! I have often said it takes rocket fuel for the rest of us to keep up w/ her. This phrase describes her perfectly, and I will steal it from you. It was good getting to know my 2nd child in a new way after dd was off at university. :) (((Laura))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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