Your Children are not Slaves. JAWM

[Plateau Mama]

My 15 yo niece is visiting us for 2.5 weeks. This is her third year visiting camp Pateau Mama.

 

To say her parents are screwed up is an understatement. Her fathers wife does everything possible to pretend she doesn't exist. I will spare you the details, just trust me. My niece finally told her dad she wasn't coming back unless he did something about the way she is treated. His response? She treats me the same way. I don't want to get divorced again so there is nothing I can do. You will understand when you are older.

 

Her mother has 3 hours of chores every day for her. If she doesn't answer her phone every single time it rings she gets grounded (even if it goes to voicemail and she calls right back). Why does she call? To check up on her chores or give her more. Since she's been here she got grounded for a day for not answering her phone. She got yelled at (after being here a week) because she apparently left a load of clothes in the dryer. And is now grounded for a week because she couldn't figure out when school orientation was.

 

I know I'm probably too lenient on my kids but I really feel for her. She is such a sweet girl and willingly does everything I ask. I remember her first year here she spent the entire time afraid she was going to get in trouble.

[Catwoman]

That poor kid!!! :(

 

Thank goodness she has some sense of normalcy when she's with you. Is there any way she could stay with you indefinitely?

[ashfern]

So sad. My grandma had a step-mother like that. She ended up getting married very young to get away.

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Stacia]

:grouphug:  for your niece (& you too).

[kiana]

To say her parents are screwed up is an understatement. Her fathers wife does everything possible to pretend she doesn't exist. I will spare you the details, just trust me. My niece finally told her dad she wasn't coming back unless he did something about the way she is treated. His response? She treats me the same way. I don't want to get divorced again so there is nothing I can do. You will understand when you are older.

Not going back sounds like a good idea to me.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Happy to JAWY. Any way to get her out of there? That business about "I'm not coming back unless things improve," being met with understanding but zero help -- would her Dad let her live with you for a few years?

[Plateau Mama]

That is the big reason we have her out each year. It gives her time to be normal and it gives us time to bond with her so she knows she has someone to confide it.

 

The first year my in-laws paid her ticket. The second year my BIL said I can't afford it so we paid. This year we asked her parents to split the cost. BIL just flat out said I not paying. Then we find out he went to Panama with his wife and other daughter and my niece wasn't even invited. We couldn't really afford it this year but we feel its important to have her here so I told DH that come holidays we aren't getting them any gifts. Our budget for his family was already spent.

 

It just irks me.

[Catwoman]

That is the big reason we have her out each year. It gives her time to be normal and it gives us time to bond with her so she knows she has someone to confide it.

 

The first year my in-laws paid her ticket. The second year my BIL said I can't afford it so we paid. This year we asked her parents to split the cost. BIL just flat out said I not paying. Then we find out he went to Panama with his wife and other daughter and my niece wasn't even invited. We couldn't really afford it this year but we feel its important to have her here so I told DH that come holidays we aren't getting them any gifts. Our budget for his family was already spent.

 

It just irks me.

Your BIL sounds like a real piece of work. :angry:

 

I blame him far more than I blame Evil Stepmother, because he should be protecting his own child and not tolerate the way the stepmom treats her. The stepmom wouldn't pull that kind of garbage if he didn't allow it to happen.

 

It makes me sick that he places no value on his own dd. What a weak and pathetic man he must be! I have no respect for people like him.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So Dad is not really any better than StepMom, if he won't even include Cinderella on a family trip. Well, they need to not be surprised when she leaves home the second she's legally able. Poor girl!

[JustEm]

That poor girl.  I bet having your family as a get away is very helpful.  If i grew up in those types of households I would have ran away by now.

[Plateau Mama]

Not going back sounds like a good idea to me.

This is something I have talked to her about for years. I'm glad she finally felt able to tell him how she feels.   

Happy to JAWY. Any way to get her out of there? That business about "I'm not coming back unless things improve," being met with understanding but zero help -- would her Dad let her live with you for a few years?

I would absolutely take her and she knows that. She knows I would be on the next plane there if she needed me. Unfortunately there is no way her mom would let her go. Who would do her moms laundry? Or daily vacuuming (including moving the furniture)?

 

Of the two parents being with her mom is the better alternative. I know her mom loves her. She has a lot on her plate and is overwhelmed, but that is not my nieces problem and she shouldn't have to pick up the slacks because of her moms choices.

[Plateau Mama]

Your BIL sounds like a real piece of work. :angry:

I blame him far more than I blame Evil Stepmother, because he should be protecting his own child and not tolerate the way the stepmom treats her. The stepmom wouldn't pull that kind of garbage if he didn't allow it to happen.

It makes me sick that he places no value on his own dd. What a weak and pathetic man he must be! I have no respect for people like him.

  I agree with you. I put all the blame on him. I have had it out with him on this subject. When this behavior first started I told him that when she was 14-15 he was going to lose her and it would be his fault.

So Dad is not really any better than StepMom, if he won't even include Cinderella on a family trip. Well, they need to not be surprised when she leaves home the second she's legally able. Poor girl!

since step mom had her own child she has not taken my niece on a single family trip. They are always planned for a time when she cannot go. Younger daughter gets huge birthday parties (like clowns, face painters, custom piñata etc) and niece gets nothing, not even a slumber party.

[Catwoman]

Is this a situation that should be reported to CPS? It sounds like there's a lot of emotional abuse going on there.

[kiana]

This is something I have talked to her about for years. I'm glad she finally felt able to tell him how she feels.   

I would absolutely take her and she knows that. She knows I would be on the next plane there if she needed me. Unfortunately there is no way her mom would let her go. Who would do her moms laundry? Or daily vacuuming (including moving the furniture)?

 

Of the two parents being with her mom is the better alternative. I know her mom loves her. She has a lot on her plate and is overwhelmed, but that is not my nieces problem and she shouldn't have to pick up the slacks because of her moms choices.

Isn't she old enough to be legally emancipated with a situation like this?

[Plateau Mama]

Is this a situation that should be reported to CPS? It sounds like there's a lot of emotional abuse going on there.

I looked into this years ago. When they were living with grandma in a 1br condo and she was sleeping on a sofa with grandma on the other sofa.

 

I did hear from MIL that she was taken from her mothers and put in protective custody for a night because boyfriend and mother were fighting. Not sure I believe it because I think father or MIL would have been called to get her.

[MBM]

I am guessing that they are not doing family therapy.

 

Is it her bio mom who is having her do the chores or her stepmom? Do bio mom and bio dad live in the same town but niece lives with her dad? Yet, niece goes over to her mom's house and does chores? I'm confused.

 

If the niece is 15, she might be able to choose which parent she lives with. I imagine that varies by state. Can she choose to live with her mom and then could she allow her to live with you?

 

ETA: I think I understand now. Poor kid. I'd look into legal emancipation.

 

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/emancipation-of-minors-32237.html

 

[Plateau Mama]

Isn't she old enough to be legally emancipated with a situation like this?

I don't know. At her age it would be hard for her to come live here. She would be happier, I'm sure, but it would be an adjustment and the family would never talk to us again. Not that I care but DH would. We are talking with her about college and planting the seed that she could come out this way.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If we're talking about people treating her as less than the others and providing less, I don't see any reason to believe she'd automatically be better off in foster care or something. In other words, I don't see this as a case for CPS unless she is being physically abused or denied food, clothing, health care, or education.

 

Lots of teens have to work three hours per day on the farm, ranch, babysitting siblings, or whatever. I don't compare this a to legitimate family business when it's really something out of a fairy tale (the aforementioned Cinderella) but I don't know how much sympathy she would get just for lots of chores. It's crappy parenting but not illegal.

 

I know we're all Just Agreeing, here, but I do have one question: Why does she put up with it? IS she beaten and abused if she refuses? Is grounding the worst that ever happens to her, and if so, why does she submit to the grounding?

 

It's more normal for teens-who-hate-home to just be late coming home, climb out the window, skip school, go to friends' houses with or without permission, etc. when parents act this way. The fact that she submits is a huge red flag.

[Plateau Mama]

I am guessing that they are not doing family therapy.

 

Is it her bio mom who is having her do the chores or her stepmom? Do bio mom and bio dad live in the same town but niece lives with her dad? Yet, niece goes over to her mom's house and does chores? I'm confused.

 

If the niece is 15, she might be able to choose which parent she lives with. I imagine that varies by state. Can she choose to live with her mom and then could she allow her to live with you?

 

ETA: I think I understand now. Poor kid. I'd look into legal emancipation.

Step mom wants nothing to do with her. Niece told dad she wasn't coming back. They are supposed to alternate weeks. She now spends 99% at moms. Mom has her do nonstop chores and grounds her for what I think are ridiculous things.

[LucyStoner]

Emancipation.

[kiana]

Step mom wants nothing to do with her. Niece told dad she wasn't coming back. They are supposed to alternate weeks. She now spends 99% at moms. Mom has her do nonstop chores and grounds her for what I think are ridiculous things.

OK, I got mom and stepmom mixed up.

 

I think the mom is excessive and ridiculous but not something I'd pursue drastic measures for.

 

If she were living with the stepmom full-time or even half-time I'd pursue drastic measures to get her out of that.

[Catwoman]

Step mom wants nothing to do with her. Niece told dad she wasn't coming back. They are supposed to alternate weeks. She now spends 99% at moms. Mom has her do nonstop chores and grounds her for what I think are ridiculous things.

She shouldn't be living with the mom, either, based on what you've told us.

 

Is the mom your dh's sister or is the dad your dh's brother?

[Plateau Mama]

If we're talking about people treating her as less than the others and providing less, I don't see any reason to believe she'd automatically be better off in foster care or something. In other words, I don't see this as a case for CPS unless she is being physically abused or denied food, clothing, health care, or education.

 

Lots of teens have to work three hours per day on the farm, ranch, babysitting siblings, or whatever. I don't compare this a to legitimate family business when it's really something out of a fairy tale (the aforementioned Cinderella) but I don't know how much sympathy she would get just for lots of chores. It's crappy parenting but not illegal.

 

I know we're all Just Agreeing, here, but I do have one question: Why does she put up with it? IS she beaten and abused if she refuses? Is grounding the worst that ever happens to her, and if so, why does she submit to the grounding?

 

It's more normal for teens-who-hate-home to just be late coming home, climb out the window, skip school, go to friends' houses with or without permission, etc. when parents act this way. The fact that she submits is a huge red flag.

. I agree that it's more crappy parenting than abuse.

 

I'm not sure what is a red flag? That she isn't rebelling? She's a good kid. She submits because she is a pleaser.

[Plateau Mama]

She shouldn't be living with the mom, either, based on what you've told us.

 

Is the mom your dh's sister or is the dad your dh's brother?

Dad is DH's brother.

[MBM]

She is probably a pleaser because she'd like the adults to behave like adults and if she rocks the boat, that will only make matters worse for her. :(

 

It is good for you to stay in touch with her, Plateau Mama.

[Sahamamama]

In and of itself, three hours of chores per day for a 15 year old is not necessarily a problem. Plenty of teens work that hard, or harder, even with a full school work load. Certainly, most adult women work more than three hours a day at home, even with full-time employment. If your niece petitioned to become an emancipated minor, she would have to convince the court she could be self-supporting, which would require more than three hours of work a day, anyway. So it's not the chores, per se.

 

No, the work isn't the problem, it's the attitude. (I know that's what you're saying, I get it). The problem is that her father and mother don't seem to value her as a person. Perhaps they do, more than is apparent from hearing only your niece's side of things. But from what you've said, the father is woefully deficient as a father (IMO). He should do better. Does he even love his child?

 

It's good to hear you say that the mom loves her. At least your niece knows that. Being loved -- even by an overwhelmed parent -- is worth more than just about anything else.

 

Perhaps the best thing your niece can do is to get through this season of life, help her mother as much as is reasonable (for their context, not yours), try to focus on her own education and career decisions, and move on when she's no longer a minor. Life requires a lot of work. It's possible that the discipline and responsibility she's learning now will help her as she moves into adult life.

 

I used to be a social worker and church youth worker. Believe it or not, I've seen so many of these "adultified" young people do well in adult life, because they learned that life does, indeed, take work. They didn't show up at Twenty-Something, surprised that they had to do laundry or wear dirty clothes. They were better employees, spouses, and parents than many of the more indulged young people I knew. This held true here (US) and overseas.

 

If she has one parent who truly loves her, and a few people to function as "this is normal" reference points, your niece will be okay. Keep loving her, as you are doing. HTH.

 

 

[Plateau Mama]

No, the work isn't the problem, it's the attitude. (I know that's what you're saying, I get it). The problem is that her father and mother don't seem to value her as a person. Perhaps they do, more than is apparent from hearing only your niece's side of things. But from what you've said, the father is woefully deficient as a father (IMO). He should do better. Does he even love his child?

 

.

I have heard all sides, directly from all parties involved. If anything my niece downplays the situation. When I tell her something seems off she tries to justify to me why it's ok. Again, part of being a pleaser, and part of her parents training her to think its OK.

 

I know hard work isn't a bad thing, I worked starting when I was 11-12. What I don't think is right is having my niece be the only one responsible for the house. She does all the dishes, all the laundry, all the cleaning. I know her mother and housekeeping was never her strong point nor a priority.

[Catwoman]

Based on your description, the mother doesn't sound "overwhelmed;" she sounds like she may have mental issues.

 

She is way beyond being a control freak.

 

And I know you say she loves your niece, but her behavior (constant chores, punishment for every tiny infraction, etc) does not sound like that of a loving mother. Frankly, she sounds mean.

[Plateau Mama]

Based on your description, the mother doesn't sound "overwhelmed;" she sounds like she may have mental issues.

 

She is way beyond being a control freak.

 

And I know you say she loves your niece, but her behavior (constant chores, punishment for every tiny infraction, etc) does not sound like that of a loving mother. Frankly, she sounds mean.

. I can't go into detail but the mom has some big things going on in her life and is overwhelmed. She is not a control freak. The boyfriend on the other hand....

 

Someone asked about the dad loving her. Yes he does. He's a wuss. Before stepmom came into the picture he was an awesome dad. He had primary custody for about 2-3 years.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Emancipation.

I think this might be worth looking into in this situation. I've know a couple kids who were emancipated at 15.

[bettyandbob]

Thank you for being a stable constant in her life. Through you, she knows someone really cares and she sees how functional adults treat people.

[SKL]

She has had a lot of changes in custody.  It may be that she needs some counseling in order to bond or to figure out what is reasonable to expect in a family.  I know you said JAWM, but I would just caution that you're mostly only hearing one side of the story.  I am very sorry for this girl, and appreciate your looking out for her interests.  It's just really hard to say, without seeing all sides, what is in the girl's best interest.

 

Emancipation may be a solution, depending on what the underlying issue is.

 

Good luck.

[LucyStoner]

What sort of positive things does she have in her life year round? Does she have an aunt or uncle or someone like that living near her?

 

Right now she has you but that is functionally 2.5 weeks in the summer. What does she have the other 49.5 weeks of the year? Who can she go to for help if there's another issue with her mom's boyfriend? Does she have stable friends and hobbies? Is she on a sports team? At minimum I would see what you can do to encourage positive, year round local social connections.

 

It sounds like both mom and dad have chosen their new relationships over their daughter.

 

My experience with abused children is that they usually spend a long time trying to please the abuser and they will most often minimize rather than exaggerate the situation. It sounds like she has seen and/or experienced too much. A domestic fight that escalates to the police coming is um, probably nastier than any child or young person should see and it is extremely unlikely to be the only time.

 

My nephew told me that sometimes he gets scared or hides when daddy says bad things. When I pulled together all the medical and police records though it was clear that it was neither rare, mild or only verbal. But the police coming to the door so often wasn't something my niece and nephew had ever told me about because they were both protecting their parents. Their dad was lying to me to cover his ass and mom was lying because she was scared. A couple of times, the police came because the kids themselves called only to see their parents both lie to the police and say nothing was going on. That taught them to lie about it too.

 

I didn't get involved for long time because I wanted to believe the minimizing tales both the mom and dad told me. I really regret that.

 

Maybe there really is no abuse but I agree the compliance with that level of unreasonableness, what you said about her understating it and a possible police response to a domestic dispute could be more than nothing. By a long shot. Be careful.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I didn't mean to assume too much or try to diagnose anything; I just was a girl in a troubled home, myself, and a super-pleaser (hyper-religious family & community, high expectations for perfect behavior as my norm, middle child, eldest girl) and I *still* did what I'm maintaining is typical:

 

I didn't rebel outright, but I did my level best to form alliances outside the home so I always had places I could go and people I could call if I just couldn't take it anymore. I did not want to be a "bad" kid. My whole community was about appearances and conformity, so it hurt me more (and lost my allies) if I acted like a punk so I didn't. In public. But I did have to flare up occasionally just for sanity. I constantly moved between working my butt off to please everybody, busting out for awhile for fresh air even if it meant missing curfew or neglecting a chore, dealing with the fallout of infuriated and overwhelmed parents (always doing the math -- will this be worth it?) ...and left home for good at 17.

 

Kids can't live in a pressure cooker, passively submitting to very unreasonable demands from parents, without a valve blowing somewhere. If SHE isn't going off it's likely her parents are, and she's trying not to set them off.

 

Just some armchair philosophy that I hope is very wrong.

[GeorgiaGirl160]

My childhood was a lot like what you describe.  It's not necessarily the hours worked, it's the attitude toward the child.  My parents treated me more like a live in maid than like a daughter.

 

If you can help her become emancipated, please consider doing so.  I also stayed and submitted, even when my parents pulled me out of college (where I had a full ride academic scholarship) to come work in their business for free because they "needed" me.  I also had a lot of damage done in my life due to my parents' irresponsible choices.

 

Just a warning: my parents' sense of entitlement extended to my credit record and my identity.  They ran up over $100,000 in debt in my name when I was a teenager.  I was stuck paying it off, which took years, because I wasn't willing to call the cops on my parents when I was only 19.  In hindsight, I wish I had.

 

Please encourage your niece to pull a copy of her credit report.  If her parents are using her financially, call the police.

 

Good luck, thanks for being a sweet aunt.  I wish I'd had someone like you in my life back then.

 

GeorgiaGirl160

 

[Catwoman]

. I can't go into detail but the mom has some big things going on in her life and is overwhelmed. She is not a control freak. The boyfriend on the other hand....

 

Someone asked about the dad loving her. Yes he does. He's a wuss. Before stepmom came into the picture he was an awesome dad. He had primary custody for about 2-3 years.

Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses for both of them.

 

I don't care how "overwhelmed" the mom may be; it doesn't give her the excuse to treat her dd as she does. And if the boyfriend is trouble, the mom's first responsibility is to her dd, so she should ditch the guy immediately. Being "overwhelmed" is not justification for being a terrible parent.

 

As for the father, he's even more weak and pathetic than I'd originally believed, because it's clear that he knows how a good father is supposed to behave, yet he's letting his new wife lead him around by the nose instead of standing up for his dd.

 

I feel so sorry for that poor girl. Her parents are so caught up in themselves and their new lives that her feelings simply don't matter to either of them. She has to choose between her dad's house where her new sister is treated like a princess and she's treated like dirt, or her mom's house where she's constantly punished and treated like a slave. (And her mother is definitely a control freak, even if you don't see it, or she wouldn't be grounding that poor kid every time she doesn't obey immediately and perfectly. Seriously, read the way you described the mom in your first post and tell me again that she isn't a control freak.)

 

It's like a really bad and twisted retelling of Cinderella, only this girl is living it for real.

[hillfarm]

Can you set up an emergency plan with and for her? Perhaps where, if things get too bad at home, she can go temporarily to a mutual friend's home near where she lives, call you from there, you will have the $ set aside to cover an emergency one way plane ticket? You would probably have to notify her father (do so in writing) to let him know she had come to your house, and if he cares as little as you say, he probably wouldn't take any action to retrieve her. Then you could start the ball rolling with CPS or whoever. But this would at least provide her with an escape hatch, where she could quickly go somewhere safe and have arrangements premade to get out of the abusive situation.

[Sahamamama]

I think this might be worth looking into in this situation. I've know a couple kids who were emancipated at 15.

 

The laws on this vary from state to state, but it would be worth looking into it with an attorney. Then, she could come and live with you.

 

The biggest red flag (for me) in this situation is the mother's boyfriend, even though we know nothing about him, except that he's a control freak. If I were still on the job, I'd be probing there, for sure.

 

But even if direct questions didn't turn up anything, the mere presence of the boyfriend in the home would keep me on high alert. Statistically, she is in danger just because her mother has an unrelated male in the home.

 

That, along with her father's lack of protection, her stepmother's undeniable emotional abuse, her mother's lack of protection, and your niece's desire to justify all the mistreatment she receives -- all that combined IS a big red flag. I agree with Lucy Stoner, what you hear may be the tip of the iceberg.

[Greta]

Your poor niece. The people upon whom she is supposed to be able to rely the most have failed her utterly. My heart goes out to her. I'm so glad that she has you.

[Ottakee]

The biggest red flag for me is MOM"s BOYFRIEND and that he is controlling.  After well over 100 foster kids and lots of contacts in the field, the most dangerous person to a child is mom's boyfriend--by statistics.

[Plateau Mama]

What sort of positive things does she have in her life year round? Does she have an aunt or uncle or someone like that living near her?

Right now she has you but that is functionally 2.5 weeks in the summer. What does she have the other 49.5 weeks of the year? Who can she go to for help if there's another issue with her mom's boyfriend? Does she have stable friends and hobbies? Is she on a sports team? At minimum I would see what you can do to encourage positive, year round local social connections.

It sounds like both mom and dad have chosen their new relationships over their daughter.

My experience with abused children is that they usually spend a long time trying to please the abuser and they will most often minimize rather than exaggerate the situation. It sounds like she has seen and/or experienced too much. A domestic fight that escalates to the police coming is um, probably nastier than any child or young person should see and it is extremely unlikely to be the only time.

 

Maybe there really is no abuse but I agree the compliance with that level of unreasonableness, what you said about her understating it and a possible police response to a domestic dispute could be more than nothing. By a long shot. Be careful.

 Grandma and grandpa live nearby and are very much involved. She plays sports and has a very sweet boyfriend. She also knows she can call me anytime and I will get her the help she needs.  

Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses for both of them.

I don't care how "overwhelmed" the mom may be; it doesn't give her the excuse to treat her dd as she does. And if the boyfriend is trouble, the mom's first responsibility is to her dd, so she should ditch the guy immediately. Being "overwhelmed" is not justification for being a terrible parent.

As for the father, he's even more weak and pathetic than I'd originally believed, because it's clear that he knows how a good father is supposed to behave, yet he's letting his new wife lead him around by the nose instead of standing up for his dd.

I feel so sorry for that poor girl. Her parents are so caught up in themselves and their new lives that her feelings simply don't matter to either of them. She has to choose between her dad's house where her new sister is treated like a princess and she's treated like dirt, or her mom's house where she's constantly punished and treated like a slave. (And her mother is definitely a control freak, even if you don't see it, or she wouldn't be grounding that poor kid every time she doesn't obey immediately and perfectly. Seriously, read the way you described the mom in your first post and tell me again that she isn't a control freak.)

It's like a really bad and twisted retelling of Cinderella, only this girl is living it for real.

 I'm not making excuses. I don't care if what the reason is it's not acceptable. I'm just saying that this behavior started when the OCD boyfriend entered the picture.

[Plateau Mama]

Can you set up an emergency plan with and for her? .

. We actually had a great talk today. It brought me to tears. I told her who to call if things escalated and she needed to get out and I told her her parents would be upset but her priority was her safety. I told her she could call me anytime for any reason and we would come get her or get her the help she needs. We also talked about the fact that she cannot do anything about how her parents allow themselves to be treated but that under no circumstance us she to allow anyone to even threaten to harm her in any way. We also talked about once an abuser always an abuser and the fact that it usually escalates as time goes on. We talked about always being on alert and ready to leave.  

The biggest red flag for me is MOM"s BOYFRIEND and that he is controlling.  After well over 100 foster kids and lots of contacts in the field, the most dangerous person to a child is mom's boyfriend--by statistics.

I hear what you are saying and I won't deny that the thought has entered our mind in the past. She swears he has never laid a hand on her in any way. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything but just the way she said it I tend to cautiously believe her. Also the way she talks about him makes me believe it. The only person she defends/excuses is her mother.

[kwg]

:grouphug:  to you and her <3

 

 

 

 

[LibraryLover]

I'm just saying that this behavior started when the OCD boyfriend entered the picture.

Are you sure you even want to drive her to the airport? I am not there, I do not have your knowledge of the situation. Just...statistically...boyfriends in this situation are often...bad news. Not anecdotally...I am thinking statistically. You seem a very loving auntie.

[swellmomma]

What a messed up situation and how in the world are they grounding her while she is at your house? that is beyond bizarre. and to take her sister on a trip but not even invite her.  All the parental figures in her life seem like losers (and that is putting it PG13 for the sake of the boards).  Even if she is defending things now I can still see her leaving home young.  I took over almost all chores in my house starting at age 9 (ad 15 I was working a paying job 3 hours a day after school then coming home to take care of all the chores).  My mom was very controlling (still is) and I was grounded for everything all the time.  I put up with it and toed the line mostly (there was some rebellion but in the grand scheme of things not much- when I was 16), and then when I graduated high school and turned 18 I did what I wanted, saved up and moved out 6 months later.  My mom still tries to control everything I saw or do and find ways to punish me for disobedience.  It took her until this year to finally admit outloud that I was actually a good kid.  She 100% believed while I was growing up and for the next 20 years that I was an out of control teen.  She could not wrap her head around the idea that me having a mind of my own did not equate out of control needing to be ruled by an iron fist.  Anyway, I feel for your niece, her next 3 years are going to be very rocky I predict and then I imagine she will be getting out of there as soon as possible.

[Plateau Mama]

Are you sure you even want to drive her to the airport? I am not there, I do not have your knowledge of the situation. Just...statistically..... boyfriends in this situation are often....bad news. Not anecdotally...I am thinking statistically. You seem a very loving auntie.

do I want to? No, but until I can prove he has threatened her I can't just not return her. That would be kidnapping, not to mention her mother would never let her come see me again.

What a messed up situation and how in the world are they grounding her while she is at your house? that is beyond bizarre. and to take her sister on a trip but not even invite her. All the parental figures in her life seem like losers (and that is putting it PG13 for the sake of the boards).

I know. Poor girl cannot even visit us without getting grounded, not once, but twice while she is here.

 

Don't even get me started on the trips. I could tell a story about how they tried to come here w/o her. No way, not happening on my watch. Bring all the children or don't come at all. That caused big fights on several different fronts.

[Catwoman]

Can your dh talk to his brother privately about this?

[Kerileanne99]

As someone who grew up in a very disfunctional home and was eventually emancipated at age 15, this situation really strikes a chord.

I actually had a fantastic aunt in my life. The fact that I knew she was always there for me, the fact that she made sure I knew that the circumstances/details of my life were NOT healthy or normal was huge. Always knowing that I had an escape plan was a little light inside I kept hidden. I am so glad to know that you are that light for her.

One thing she did for me: I will never forget the folded $100 bill she gave me to keep tucked away, along with a serious discussion of the necessity of keeping it as my safety net. She trusted that I would not abuse her trust in me...that alone was worth so much. Once I was safely emancipated and at college before my 16th bday I once offered to give it back. She refused and told me it was always good to have a net:) I STILL have that $100 bill, albeit in our home mini-safe, to remind me. My nephew is now in a rough situation and I have plans to pass it to him.

Obviously, this won't work for all kids. But it sounds as though it might for your niece. Knowing she can call you is fantastic! But if something happens she will need cash in hand, or prepaid debit card.

 

Honestly, I knew at the time that I was going to do my best to survive the situation. Helping her to formulate short-term and long-term goals is very helpful. Sometimes having that plan was all that got me through. It sounds like, since there is no immediate danger, no matter how unhealthy, she will have to endure for now. It sucks. Truly.

 

Best to her and your family as you show her a different way of life IS possible:)

[LibraryLover]

do I want to? No, but until I can prove he has threatened her I can't just not return her. That would be kidnapping, not to mention her mother would never let her come see me again..

That is horrible. I'm so sorry. It's so obvious you care deeply for her. I would ask if she feels safe. I would ask if she has feared him in any way. I would be blunt about that.