Nm

[simplemom]

Nm

[fairfarmhand]

I would limit to outdoor play until I felt specially close to one family or another. It is okay to say You can play at Mrs. x's or Mrs. y;s inside, Every where else. play outside.

 

BTW, most normal families that I know are understanding of these types of arrangements. I don't permit my kids to go over to just anyone's home, and most of the parents that I know are the same way.

[Catwoman]

If any of your neighbors have a problem with you not allowing your kids to play inside their homes, it's exactly that -- their problem.

 

Your rules are just fine. :)

[NorthwestMom]

 

Our sticky situation is now that all the other kids are playing and invited inside each other's houses quite often, and even moms are leaving their kids at each other houses to run errands, etc.... Including with the one mom I have tensions with. My kids have the play outside where dh and I can be the one responsible for them, especially because we never felt comfortable letting our children play in the older neighbor's house without us. We feel comfortable with multiple other neighbors and would be tempted to let them play inside certain homes for a limited time without us, but dh and I have chosen to continually decline invites for the kids to play in neighbors' houses without me there and we decline when their kids ask can they come inside to play. We just say, our kids are having their outdoor time and we want them stay outdoors while the weather is nice. We decline because we don't want to set up confusion that it is ok to play in one neighbor's house but not another's. Especially since we see a future of the kids going from house to house to play, which would include the house with mentioned tensions. But it is getting difficult, because my kids can see the other neighbors go over to the older neighbor's house and know they are missing out on something fun, all because I have reservations with that one neighbor. Then the mom sets up water play and fun games in her fenced yard and my kids can hear them having a great time.

 

 

I think your rules are conservatively within the range of normal, however, it seems very likely that your kids will be left out more and more often. Are you ready for that?

[BrittanyM]

My parents had the same rules when I was growing up. I did feel left out at times or like I was missing out, but now I can see the logic behind their reasons and do the same with my kids.

[Brilliant]

I think your rules are conservatively within the range of normal, however, it seems very likely that your kids will be left out more and more often. Are you ready for that?

 

That's what I was thinking.  Your rules are reasonable for your family, but they are resulting in your kids missing out on some stuff.  "My kids can't play inside someone else's house" necessarily means "My kids will miss out on play at someone else's house."

 

[Danestress]

That's what I was thinking. Your rules are reasonable for your family, but they are resulting in your kids missing out on some stuff. "My kids can't play inside someone else's house" necessarily means "My kids will miss out on play at someone else's house."

 

Right, and some days the other kids may move from inside to outside a lot, which might make your children feel rejected repeatedly, so you will have to help them understand that if the other kids choose to go in for a while, it isn't a snub.

 

But I don't think you are out off the spectrum of normal.

[maize]

Your boundaries are very similar to the ones we established when we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids, most of whom had fewer rules and less supervision. You have to decide what is right for your family, and your kids need to understand that it is your job as parents to set the boundaries for your family and other families may choose different boundaries. BTW, some of the kids running in and out of people's houses with little supervision got themselves in quite a lot of trouble at one point (involving matches and other hazards). I was glad my kids were not involved.

[simplemom]

Thanks for the input, reassurance, and reality of the consequences to being more conservative with family rules. Someone asked if I was ready for the time the kids will feel left out. This post was written in part because I can see that coming and want to prepare myself and my children for those times, while at the same time resist from over sheltering. Sometimes living on a few acres in the country all to ourselves sounds nice!

[Reefgazer]

You of course have the right to regulate your children's play as you wish, but you can expect that they will be increasingly left out as time goes on and closer bonds form between the neighborhood children; after a while, neighborhood children they play with now may simply drift away as tighter bonds form between the others and yours are left out.  In our community, not allowing children to play with others freely would be seen as un-neighborly or odd if there was a blanket ban on playing in everyone's house (although if someone has concrete rules against a particular home, that wouldn't be thought of as odd).  For myself, I can't imagine restricting my children in that manner; close friendships develop when kids are allowed to connect with others in a non-contrived way with parents stepping back.  Stepping back here isn't the same as no supervision.  I am not trying to attack you or be harsh, but I see your restrictions as potentially socially crippling to your children and excessively sheltering.  But my perspective may be skewed because we have an extraordinarily social and free-range neighborhood where I constantly have kids traipsing in and out of my house and yard (some I know only by sight), and my kids are free-ranging all over the place also.  I do, however, have restrictions against them playing in homes where I do not know the parents well, and my kids respect that. 

[fairfarmhand]

Am I the only mom who would be irritated by neighborhood kids running in and out of my house all day?

 

That would drive me bonkers, even if I did know the parents well.

[Reefgazer]

I actually like the kid noise; it's joyful (well, most of the time) and I don't mind kid chaos or boy rowdiness.  I like seeing my kids having fun with their herd.

Am I the only mom who would be irritated by neighborhood kids running in and out of my house all day?

 

That would drive me bonkers, even if I did know the parents well.

 

[jhschool]

I personally only ever did play dates or playgroup at our house,

planned in advance.

 

We never did "go to each others' houses" unplanned.

I would hate that.

 

I need to know when my house is open to visitors or not.

First, I wear completely different clothes when I have people

over and when I am home for the day without visitors (which

means clean pjs after a shower or shorts and tank top)--if

visitors are coming I'll throw on jeans and a regular top with

sleeves.

 

Second, there are things around the house which, if there

were visitors, cannot be left, like the pile of laundry or

the tomato on the wall or the squished bits of sandwich

the dogs couldn't reach (anything

guests could see is washed and put away).  I would be so

embarrassed if the neighborhood could see  my mess.

 

Beds are made and floors are vacuumed and surfaces wiped

before anyone comes into my house--even kids.  Toilet handles

and seats are cleaned and checked.  Bathroom floors get

at least a squirt of cleaner and a wipe (with TP if I'm in a hurry).

 

If parents are coming over, clutter is removed, etc.  I have to

be not in my pjs and at least have my hair brushed!  

 

I realize this wasn't the question originally. but in my life

the subject would be moot as I don't let people in my house

unannounced.  

There are areas of my house which are for no one's eyes--the

bedrooms and two bathrooms, for instance.  They aren't

dirty, but the clutter is astounding!

 

I think I let DS go to people's houses not announced once

when we were having a playgroup at someone's house where

the whole neighborhood was free range.  I followed and kept

checking on him.

 

It's not really our style but maybe if I had lived in a neighborhood

like that I might have kept my house (and myself) more presentable

through the years, to accommodate for daily unannounced visitors.

 

????Maybe normal people always keep their houses and themselves

presentable????  Maybe I'm the only one that has visitors-house

and at-home-all-day-house???  OK, that is a new thought for me!

:huh: Maybe I need to figure this out.  Off to post...

[amyx4]

We have neighbors that don't allow their kids in other neighbor houses. I think that it's hard on their son. A bunch of kids are playing in my yard. The kids all run into the house to get a pile of squirt guns. All the color picking, team picking, etc happens in the kitchen as they are grabbing the guns. The boy stands one my front steps with his nose pressed up against the door. In the beginning he used to open the door and yell into my house what color, what team, etc. I always felt bad but I did ask him to shut the door to keep the toddler in, or dog in, or bugs out, or the ac is on, etc.  

Another time, it began to rain and the kids had been in my yard. I have a screened in porch off the house. All the kids pile in and lay on the floor playing legos. He stands at the screen door getting soaked. It made me sad for him and it made me feel uncomfortable around the parents.  

 

[simplemom]

I'm fine the kids in and out of the house for short periods like situations mentioned above where kids aren't staying and playing for a longer time, and I am fine with the parents we are getting to know well and know there is no inappropriate language or media for their age, it's just the dynamic now of having one house I am not fine with that everyone else is. Being more free range as a child I was exposed to things I wish I wasn't in other's homes and my dh got into trouble he wouldn't have gotten into if his parents knew what he was up to all day in someone else's home, I am reevaluating the "don't go into neighbor's houses" rule because this is the first year they have options to regularly go into other homes of parents we don't have bad vibes with. We even did date night exchanges with one neighbor that moved away when our kids were younger, but the difference was we were friends with the family and trusted them. We don't trust all our neighbors. It's now more so the issue of do I want kids in and out of my house all day when other moms let my kids in and out of theirs (I think planned visits are good for rainy days) for the reasons mentioned by some above AND how to be okay with letting them in everyone but one person's house (dh and I have valid reservations for not compromising on the one house, I only mentioned one example as why there are tensions, but there are more reasons than that one). Also, I think there is enough good weather for most of the year here, I'd rather the kids to be outside having fun, and I've noticed many neighborhood kids get bored quickly if they are out more than a few minutes. I see no reason why they need to go inside other homes to get drinks and use the bathroom, etc... Since our house is within the block. For going inside to get a pile of squirt guns or eat a cookie the neighbor offered, sure. I practically lived in trees, on bikes, and playing in the non busy streets as a child (when of course I wasn't free ranging in other houses).

 

I do appreciate the perspective from the people that let their kids go wherever in the neighborhood and do see it as over sheltering to set boundaries, but wondering if it would be different if you had reasons to feel uncomfortable with certain parents or if the other homes had open internet and unsupervised TV viewing for the kids. I, of course, agree with those that validate that my boundaries are reasonable :) , but it's great to hear the other side just as well. And I promise, I do give our kids freedoms and they do have lots of play with other kids, lots of park time without me helicopter parenting, we are out and about experiencing life together quite frequently with and without other kids, plenty of social activities. I just like our home to be our respite from the outside world, except for planned company, and I don't want our children somewhere I'm not comfortable with them being, and even for the neighbors I trust that allow kids in and out throughput the day, I don't want them to feel like they have to watch our kids in addition to theirs. Thanks again for all sides of input.

[Sun]

Has anything in particular happened with the one family with which you're uncomfortable? What about in the other houses you don't let your children play inside of? Do you know that they have unsupervised/unfiltered internet access or that they allow tv shows that grossly conflict with your values? Do they have guns that aren't locked up away from children? Are the kids allowed to play violently without correction? Do your kids have severe food allergies yet that family won't restrict allergenic foods when yours are around? Do you worry about the kids' safety there? In those cases, I would understand your restrictions, but without a reason (and her wanting you to drive her toddler without a carseat is a great reason to not let her drive your kids, but it wouldn't affect my decision about her house), it does seem stifling to your children, particularly your 8 year old to not let them play in anyone's house because you're socially uncomfortable with one mother.

 

In our neighborhood, kids play with other kids, and they do so from relatively young ages. Certainly by the ages of your kids, it's normal for the kids in my neighborhood to be allowed to play inside at least some other neighbors' houses. To refuse to allow your children to play inside anyone's house, would lead to your children becoming outcasts, and your family would be viewed oddly. That's just the harsh truth--in my neighborhood. Our one neighbor who keeps rules such as yours now has a child who never plays with anyone in the neighborhood. After years of being rejected or severely limited in where they could play with her, the other kids eventually stopped asking.  I suspect your neighborhood dynamics may be similar with most neighborhood kids playing together regularly without scheduled playdates. That's not to say that I'd let my child, even now at an age a few years older than yours, play in every house in the neighborhood. I would want to know the parents, have some sense of their parenting approach, and feel secure that the kids are safe there.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but I do fear that in the situation you describe (neighborhood full of kids who play at each other's houses without scheduled playdates), your kids will end up being left out more and more. That's not to say that your rules are unreasonable--it's just a very likely consequence of those rules. Do you think it would be possible to start allowing your kids to play at the houses of neighbors other than the one who makes you so uncomfortable? If I were that uncomfortable with one parent, I wouldn't allow my child to play there, but I would still allow free play at the houses of other parents with whom I was more comfortable.

[KrissiK]

That's a tough one because everyone is different. When the kids were little, they absolutely could not go into houses. Period. Now, I'm a little more lenient, though there is one house my daughter is not allowed to go into. The family situation...not great. But, I also don't let kids in my house, due to the fact that the in and out and noise and chaos.... I don't want it. Sorry. My oldest is coming up on the age now where his friends do video games and stuff (he does, too, but we really limit screen time) and I struggle with the idea of him hanging out there playing video games all afternoon. It's hard enough for him to figure out how to entertain himself without giving him the easy out of hours of mindless gaming.

[simplemom]

The house in question isn't unsafe as in examples listed a couple posts above, but with several years of oddities we feel uncomfortable about, it is enough to not have our kids there under the parents' supervision for long periods. I could go into to details, but they are suddle enough for me to question if I am being irrational with creating a boundary with that neighbor and weird enough for other objective, more lenient people who know I'm not overly paranoid about other people to validate my caution. I am seeing the rule of not to go into ANYONES house because of this as limiting, so this conversation with you all has given me a fresh perspective. Dh and I do need take a new look at restrictions we've had the past since this is a new season of life for the kids, they are growing older and have more of a handle in how to handle situations that aren't right. Still, it would be limited to homes where we feel comfortable with the parents. But, even if we start having them over to the other neighbors without us, we'll have to still have boundaries of length of time and how often, etc....even being comfortable, as they grow older I don't want them just playing video games or watching TV all day somewhere else, we do that some, but for limited times on days we aren't busy. That I guess will become an issue starting preteen years. I'll revive this thread then, lol.

[Reefgazer]

OMG, no, LOL!  My house is open to visitors when someone rings the bell.  My house is a wreck.  How can it not be with kids traipsing in and out all day?  And I don't care if the neighbors know it's a wreck, either.  And I dress as I want, neighbors or no.  No one seems to care about those things.  Nope, all that attention to the house takes away from other things that are more a priority for me.  But my BIL is completely the opposite, more like you.

I personally only ever did play dates or playgroup at our house,

planned in advance.

 

We never did "go to each others' houses" unplanned.

I would hate that.

 

I need to know when my house is open to visitors or not.

First, I wear completely different clothes when I have people

over and when I am home for the day without visitors (which

means clean pjs after a shower or shorts and tank top)--if

visitors are coming I'll throw on jeans and a regular top with

sleeves.

 

Second, there are things around the house which, if there

were visitors, cannot be left, like the pile of laundry or

the tomato on the wall or the squished bits of sandwich

the dogs couldn't reach (anything

guests could see is washed and put away).  I would be so

embarrassed if the neighborhood could see  my mess.

 

Beds are made and floors are vacuumed and surfaces wiped

before anyone comes into my house--even kids.  Toilet handles

and seats are cleaned and checked.  Bathroom floors get

at least a squirt of cleaner and a wipe (with TP if I'm in a hurry).

 

If parents are coming over, clutter is removed, etc.  I have to

be not in my pjs and at least have my hair brushed!  

 

I realize this wasn't the question originally. but in my life

the subject would be moot as I don't let people in my house

unannounced.  

There are areas of my house which are for no one's eyes--the

bedrooms and two bathrooms, for instance.  They aren't

dirty, but the clutter is astounding!

 

I think I let DS go to people's houses not announced once

when we were having a playgroup at someone's house where

the whole neighborhood was free range.  I followed and kept

checking on him.

 

It's not really our style but maybe if I had lived in a neighborhood

like that I might have kept my house (and myself) more presentable

through the years, to accommodate for daily unannounced visitors.

 

????Maybe normal people always keep their houses and themselves

presentable????  Maybe I'm the only one that has visitors-house

and at-home-all-day-house???  OK, that is a new thought for me!

:huh: Maybe I need to figure this out.  Off to post...

 

[Katy]

We have a rule about not going into houses where we don't know the parents either. 

 

Have you considered having a dinner party or grill out or even a block party for the whole neighborhood?  The parents could come over and you could get a good feel for them.  You could explain that you always prefer the kids to be outside where you can see them, or that you like to get to know families better before you trust your kids in their house, or whatever your rule is.

 

I would bet that the mom you have tensions with assumes you don't like HER for whatever reason and takes it personally.  I would try to make friends with her because I think it would make both family's kids more safe. 

[Critterfixer]

It doesn't bother me to have the neighbor's child running in and out of the house. It's going to happen. It bothers my DH more than it bothers me. I keep snacks, talk to his mom regularly, and she was even good enough to ask what our school schedule was going to be like so that she could make sure that her son only came over when my boys would be free to play. I appreciate that.

Usually his dogs come over too. :laugh:

[QueenCat]

Nm,.,

 

[QueenCat]

We have a rule about not going into houses where we don't know the parents either. 

 

Have you considered having a dinner party or grill out or even a block party for the whole neighborhood?  The parents could come over and you could get a good feel for them.  You could explain that you always prefer the kids to be outside where you can see them, or that you like to get to know families better before you trust your kids in their house, or whatever your rule is.

 

I would bet that the mom you have tensions with assumes you don't like HER for whatever reason and takes it personally.  I would try to make friends with her because I think it would make both family's kids more safe. 

 

I probably wouldn't say that....... that's likely saying "I don't trust you".

[Katy]

I probably wouldn't say that....... that's likely saying "I don't trust you".

 

Uhh... I don't.  I don't trust anyone with my kids until I get to know them.  I don't know many parents who trust blindly.

[QueenCat]

Uhh... I don't.  I don't trust anyone with my kids until I get to know them.  I don't know many parents who trust blindly.

 

 

I don't trust people blindly............. but I also don't flat out tell people that I don't trust them.

[brehon]

SimpleMom, another angle which I don't think you or your dh have considered. Allowing kids in your house can set up *your* place as the "cool house".  I recognize this doesn't seem important now at your kids' ages. It will become important as your kids age because you/your dh will get to know the kids well and you can keep a much closer eye on what's happening. 

 

Simple snacks, fun games (indoor and outdoor), drinks, etc can really make your house attractive to your kids and their friends.  

 

Think of it as building relationships *now* which pay dividends *later*. Anyway, something to think about.