maize Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 This thread is for those interested in helping the friend of a boardie escape an abusive situation. Discussion started elsewhere, but we need a thread without identifying details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 It was an excellent idea to start this thread, and it was very kind of you to do it, Maize. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Keep us posted op, I was reading along and keep you all in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 does anyone know the state the troubled is in? Please pm me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 does anyone know the state the troubled is in? Please pm meI sent you a message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in CA Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If the boardie posts in this thread, I would recommend that she temporarily remove the links to her blogs from her siggy -- they have her location, pictures of her kids, and presumably their last name ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I read through the other thread when I woke up this morning (time differences; the conversation happend overnight for me). The other thread has not been deleted yet, BTW. OP, please get professional advice on this. And keep someone posted by PM or email so that that someone can keep the rest of us informed without divulging your identity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I read through the other thread when I woke up this morning (time differences; the conversation happend overnight for me). The other thread has not been deleted yet, BTW. OP, please get professional advice on this. And keep someone posted by PM or email so that that someone can keep the rest of us informed without divulging your identity. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 I will keep in touch via PM and post updates as available. It's neat to see people pull together on this. I'd like to think that when The Hive puts their heads (and hearts) together we can help make a miracle happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Update from the boardie below, good news about the car (don't know how to edit to make a non-attributed quote box from my iPad, so I'll just use quotation marks). "Information I have found out so far from the police station, he cannot report her car stolen because it is not in his name. The car is in her name only so as far as her car goes the police station said there is nothing he can do. He also cannot do anything about the one child which is what I thought since this child is not his. The police officer said as long as she leaves some type of note telling him she left and took the kids she can't get child napping for the other child but to make sure I am still going to call that shelter and ask about that stuff" I made a couple of small edits to make the information less recognizable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Update from the boardie below, good news about the car (don't know how to edit to make a non-attributed quote box from my iPad, so I'll just use quotation marks). "Information I have found out so far from the police station, he cannot report her car stolen because it is not in his name. The car is in her name only so as far as her car goes the police station said there is nothing he can do. He also cannot do anything about the [one child] which is what I thought since [this child] is not his. The police officer said as long as she leaves some type of note telling him she left and took the kids she can't get child napping for the [other] child but to make sure I am still going to call that shelter and ask about that stuff" I made a couple of small edits to make the information less recognizable. I made a couple other edits to edit out little clues that could be put together with others to add up to information about the child--you may want to make similar edits to the post I quoted. I'm concerned about her having to leave a note--can she be absolutely certain that she'll be long gone before he gets home to see the note? If not, it could be dangerous for her to leave one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 I made a couple other edits to edit out little clues that could be put together with others to add up to information about the child--you may want to make similar edits to the post I quoted. I'm concerned about her having to leave a note--can she be absolutely certain that she'll be long gone before he gets home to see the note? If not, it could be dangerous for her to leave one. Thanks, I was trying to find a way to make that information less identifiable, I think your edits work great. Do you think I should put them back in brackets to show it was edited or leave as is? About the note, that's a good question. I wonder if she could leave a note with the police for them to give him later? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I wonder if it would be possible for her to mail the note as she leaves town. This way he would get it the next day. She should probably call thenpolice department again and ask if that would suffice. It would be postmarked in the home town so he wouldn't have any idea which way she was going. Whatever she says in the nte, itwouldn't hurt forher to phot copy it at the library and then drop it off with PD on the way out of town which leaves a nice trail of documentation of her position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If the boardie posts in this thread, I would recommend that she temporarily remove the links to her blogs from her siggy -- they have her location, pictures of her kids, and presumably their last name ... Just a note of caution--if you change your signature, it will be changed in all of your previous posts. Whatever you had before will not "stick." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Another question for the police: should she leave contact information with them? Contact information maybe for a lawyer or shelter who would have a way to reach her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thanks, I was trying to find a way to make that information less identifiable, I think your edits work great. Do you think I should put them back in brackets to show it was edited or leave as is? About the note, that's a good question. I wonder if she could leave a note with the police for them to give him later? I don't think it matters much about the quotes--you said you made some edits. The brackets make it clear that something about the children was edited, but without knowing what, it doesn't matter ... I watch too many AFN commercials--I hear the phrase "op sec" go through my mind way too often, possibly about way too trivial things, but in this case, it may be a good thing to be a little paranoid :) My first thought was to have her give the note to the librarian, or leave it with the boardie's friend to deliver, but I don't think we want any bystanders getting involved with this guy directly. If she's fairly certain she'll be at least two hours gone (or absolutely certain she'll be at least an hour gone) before he gets home, then I'd say leave the note, but leave it somewhere where he wouldn't see it immediately. Not on the kitchen table or wherever he'd leave his jacket, for example, but on his pillow or on the bathroom counter. Or fold it up and put it in an envelope, write his name on the front and leave it mixed in with the mail. Somewhere he'll definitely see it, just not within the first two minutes of being home unless he starts looking for it. But if he may drop in at any time, and possibly catch up to her before she gets to or departs from the meeting place ... I don't know. Maybe the local shelter can tell her what to do--they may be able to provide some kind of liaise service after she's gone. I'd rather fight a kidnapping charge than have my escape thwarted because he got home early and saw the note too soon. If this attempt fails, he won't let her get another one. In any case, she needs to document, to the extent possible, that she's left a note, so he can't say she didn't. Take a picture of it. Maybe also leave one with someone else to send certified mail after she's gone--no sending it herself; postmarks provide information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she is in or near the county where the children were born could she stop at vital records and pick up birth certificates before she leaves the area? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she is in or near the county where the children were born could she stop at vital records and pick up birth certificates before she leaves the area? Those take time. Even if they could and would do it same day, she doesn't want to be waiting around. Better to get away, then check with a lawyer later about how to get those records without them being traced back to her--maybe sign something so a lawyer can request them for her. She won't need them immediately if she goes to a shelter; surely they're accustomed to lack of paperwork. Another phrase I hear in my head constantly ... "Off the X! Off the X!" The point of that one: the X is the target. Until you get to a safe place, you're on the X. That's not where you want to be. She needs to get off the X first, then deal with everything else once she's safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she is in or near the county where the children were born could she stop at vital records and pick up birth certificates before she leaves the area? Maize, this is an excellent idea. If the children were born in a state or county not on the way, she can order them by mail when she arrives at her destination. Community legal aid can usually help with this. If the sister can homeschool next year, that would be a big plus for the kids while the legal mess is sorted out so that she does not have to send for school records right away in order to enroll them for next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she is in or near the county where the children were born could she stop at vital records and pick up birth certificates before she leaves the area? I would not make this stop. I think she just needs to get to a shelter or to her next destination. Domestic Violence shelters will have the resources to advise her how to get official copies of vital records. She can inquire at a shelter near her home or near her next destination. I've had to order new birth certificates, from 2 states. It was not an involved process. Forms are online. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Those take time. Even if they could and would do it same day, she doesn't want to be waiting around. Better to get away, then check with a lawyer later about how to get those records without them being traced back to her--maybe sign something so a lawyer can request them for her. She won't need them immediately if she goes to a shelter; surely they're accustomed to lack of paperwork. Another phrase I hear in my head constantly ... "Off the X! Off the X!" The point of that one: the X is the target. Until you get to a safe place, you're on the X. That's not where you want to be. She needs to get off the X first, then deal with everything else once she's safe. This must vary by area. The one time I have picked up birth certificates in person it didn't take more than 20 minutes to fill out the forms and get the certificates. But I can see the point of getting to a safe place before worrying about anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 on leaving the note. If at all possible, I think mailing it might be best. This is a situation where the woman needs to leave. If her car isn't running well or doesn't start and she's rattled and she has a note sitting around the house that she hasn't disposed of before she could get out things could get really bad. How long has it been since the car has been driven? If she hasn't had gas in a long time the vehicle may not be something she can use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Are you sure about the advice about the note and kidnapping charges? In my state, unless there is a custody order in place, either parent is free to take the children whenever and wherever they want without the other parent's permission. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Are you sure about the advice about the note and kidnapping charges? In my state, unless there is a custody order in place, either parent is free to take the children whenever and wherever they want without the other parent's permission. Yes, having to leave a note sounded odd to me. If she doesn't have to at all, don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Are you sure about the advice about the note and kidnapping charges? In my state, unless there is a custody order in place, either parent is free to take the children whenever and wherever they want without the other parent's permission. Well, you can get away with that for a few days for a vacation or something, but not longer. No parent, without a custody order in place, can just abscond with the children permanently without consent or having an extenuating circumstance. By stating that she is taking the children due to the abuse and covering her tracks by consulting with police and a domestic violence shelter, she avoids kidnapping charges. In this day and age, parental kidnapping is a HUGE issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Update. "OK the shelter said it is possible that he could try to file charges against her it is unlikely they would stick but she may have to come back to [her state] to fight them GRRRRRRRRRRRRR They are advising she go to a shelter tell them her situation they can help her file for custody and everything so it is all legal then she would be able to leave. She is scared to go to a shelter she just wants out. I don't blame her I wanna say get your butt here but even that small chance he could make her come back or press charges on her is scaring me. [...] Part of me just wants to say forget it just leave but I don't know what to do." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I would trust what the shelter says as I'm sure they deal with this kind of situation often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 She should go to the shelter. Allow them to help her get legal custody of the kids. Press charges against her husband in hopes of buying herself some time to breathe while he is in jail. While he is in jail, she should move somewhere else--possibly with the boardee if he doesn't know where the boardie lives and it doesn't come out in the court proceedings--and not tell him or anyone who knows him where she and the kids are unless she is legally required to do so. If she is legally required to notify him of the children's location, she should look into all available options for self-defense and develop a plan for how she will protect herself and her children if he attacks her again. But the first step is to go to the shelter. They have the expertise. She needs their help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 She should go to the shelter. Allow them to help her get legal custody of the kids. Press charges against her husband in hopes of buying herself some time to breathe while he is in jail. While he is in jail, she should move somewhere else--possibly with the boardee if he doesn't know where the boardie lives and it doesn't come out in the court proceedings--and not tell him or anyone who knows him where she and the kids are unless she is legally required to do so. If she is legally required to notify him of the children's location, she should look into all available options for self-defense and develop a plan for how she will protect herself and her children if he attacks her again. But the first step is to go to the shelter. They have the expertise. She needs their help. I completely agree. I would not take any steps that were not specifically recommended by the shelter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Agreeing with Kathryn and Aiden. It would be a shame to go through this only to get stuck later because of a formality or mistake in how she handled it legally. Do it right the first time and go to a shelter. I'd probably call them first and ask about leaving a note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 She and the kids will be safe at the shelter. They deal with situations like this all the time. There will be support for her there -- free legal advice, counseling, clothing, etc. Then, once she has the legal pieces put in place, they will help her deal with the next step -- which could be getting her to you. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I wonder if it would be possible for her to mail the note as she leaves town. This way he would get it the next day. She should probably call thenpolice department again and ask if that would suffice. It would be postmarked in the home town so he wouldn't have any idea which way she was going. Whatever she says in the nte, itwouldn't hurt forher to phot copy it at the library and then drop it off with PD on the way out of town which leaves a nice trail of documentation of her position. And registered mail too. Otherwise he can claim he never got the note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 And registered mail too. Otherwise he can claim he never got the note. She should still have a copy of the note. Registered mail to make sure she has proof he got it, and a copy to prove what the note said. When it comes to stuff like this a person really needs to make sure they have taken as many precautions as possible. She should go to the shelter first. Most shelters aren't supposed to be very long term anyway. A few days there will help to make sure things are taken care of. Then She could leave the area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ameena Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Basically she has 2 options - 1. Go the shelter route. Everything will be legal, and she can probably get a restraining order against her husband to prevent contact {if they can find him to serve him with papers}. Depending on if there is a legal history of DV {like police reports, etc} it can help / hinder this. If there is no history of police reports / authority reports, the shelter may not be able to do much more than just shelter them - IF they will take them. I know the one here requires there to have been at least 1 police report in the last 6 months, which is crazy if you ask me as sometimes it's hard for the victim in a DV situation to have access to call the police. DV Shelters can be long term - I have a friend who was in one for more than a year while they tried to get everything done legally. Also, by going the shelter route they will help her get back on her feet financially & emotionally. The one here will help with relocation expenses, and cover 1st months rent for those leaving the shelter. 2. Just run for it to another state. Not legal exactly, and she'll always be looking over her shoulder for her husband. It may involve staying "underground" for several years, not putting kids into the school system, etc. It may involve using aliases for both her & the kids for a while. Change looks too as much as possible. Move around a lot {trailers / RV's are ideal because you can pick up & be gone in a couple hours with no notice}, use a PO box for mail, etc. If she can quietly file for divorce / custody later in another state she may be claim she was in fear of her life & the life of the kids for the reason she ran. Do not file until the kids are old enough to be emancipated, and emancipate them prior to filing for divorce so there is no way the father can get their hooks on them. By that point, she should have proof of the abuse via counseling / etc. I've had family who went this route after a shelter refused to help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she goes the shelter route she needs to be committed to NEVER divulging the location to her SO, even if they get back together. It is imperative that the places remain secret and safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 If she goes the shelter route she needs to be committed to NEVER divulging the location to her SO, even if they get back together. It is imperative that the places remain secret and safe. Very true. I worked at a DV shelter through college, and the stories I could tell... (but won't). Still, I would opt for the shelter first, take advantage of the advice and services they offer. Then get out of state once she's got the legalities in place. Otherwise, she will be at risk, even in another state - legally. She'll still be at risk, from the abuser, but at least she'll have some protection. Also, leaving a note is risky. Too many things can go wrong with her plan. If a note must be delivered, I agree that the best option is to get everyone to a safe place then send a note via mail. Registered mail is great - but what return address will she use, to get the notice that it was delivered? What is the plan for keeping that address private? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5of5 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Also, leaving a note is risky. Too many things can go wrong with her plan. If a note must be delivered, I agree that the best option is to get everyone to a safe place then send a note via mail. Registered mail is great - but what return address will she use, to get the notice that it was delivered? What is the plan for keeping that address private? As best I recall from when I did this last, I got a code number and a web site to check. I don't think you have to get the delivery receipt snail mailed to you. This might have been just for a delivery notification and not 'registered'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 A shelter should have a po box or address used for correspondence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 A shelter should have a po box or address used for correspondence. Ours did. But I was thinking that she was still up in the air re: going to the shelter or just leaving the state? If she's leaving the state and skipping the shelter, planning for that is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Very true. I worked at a DV shelter through college, and the stories I could tell... (but won't). Still, I would opt for the shelter first, take advantage of the advice and services they offer. Then get out of state once she's got the legalities in place. Otherwise, she will be at risk, even in another state - legally. She'll still be at risk, from the abuser, but at least she'll have some protection. Also, leaving a note is risky. Too many things can go wrong with her plan. If a note must be delivered, I agree that the best option is to get everyone to a safe place then send a note via mail. Registered mail is great - but what return address will she use, to get the notice that it was delivered? What is the plan for keeping that address private? Up here we just get an email letting us know that it's been delivered. Would that maybe be an option down there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I want to offer that if she needs places to stay while on the run (overnight or a couple of days) that we form some sort of underground railway for her on her way to safety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I want to offer that if she needs places to stay while on the run (overnight or a couple of days) that we form some sort of underground railway for her on her way to safety. Love this idea! And, I would want to make sure that this is thought out carefully beforehand and that advice on legal issues for the sister are ironed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I want to offer that if she needs places to stay while on the run (overnight or a couple of days) that we form some sort of underground railway for her on her way to safety. I have LOTS of friends and family in all through the US as well if there are any gaps between places that those on the forum can offer. I don't know of any of them that would not be willing to help out and are not trustable people. I would gladly continue to help keep her gas tank full for as long as she needs it full too. Money orders aren't that hard to send. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I want to offer that if she needs places to stay while on the run (overnight or a couple of days) that we form some sort of underground railway for her on her way to safety. Lara, I am the wrong way. I'm willing to donate for a hotel if we can find one that will let her pay in cash. I'm concerned that if she opts out of the shelter idea and wants to drive the car, that if he hasn't been maintaining it and it's old, she could end up not getting far before breaking down and that would be VERY dangerous for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Faith Manor - I am in the process of sending you a PM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Faith, please take out all state information in your post. We are working very hard to keep out all identifying information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Can someone IM me the state(s) involved along the travel route? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ameena Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I'm concerned that if she opts out of the shelter idea and wants to drive the car, that if he hasn't been maintaining it and it's old, she could end up not getting far before breaking down and that would be VERY dangerous for her. This. If it weren't for the paper trail, I would say get a rental car or rental u-haul {sometimes cheaper than renting a car}. Maybe consider Greyhound / Megabus? Megabus runs in short hops from city to city, and you can travel pretty cheaply. I don't know their policy on ID / payment though. If she could use the car to get to the bus, ditch the car somewhere nearby but not at the bus stop, that might work. If she can find the title to the car she might be able to sell it to one of those hole in the wall car places quickly which would give her some cash to find her trip with & help it not be found as quickly since they normally take off the plates. Is there any way of getting her a pre-paid cell phone so she can call for help if needed along the way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I have come late to this issue, and so have no idea what is going on other than someone is in trouble and at risk. I am willing to contribute some money to help. Just send me a PM. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 has the original thread been deleted yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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