If you were bullied during your school years...

[gardenmom5]

 

 

 

 

  The reason I cried every day was because my dad had been killed in a car accident about a month before school started.

 

 

yep.  things were bad in elementary school, but my father died the summer between 6 & 7 and it was exponentially worse because I cried so much in school - and I couldn't say "I'm crying because my father died."

[candicane]

I don't necessary homeschool, don't have kids, but it has come into question when I talk about the topic with my mother.

 

When I was in elementary school (4-5th grade) I was friends with this guy, and after a while he started getting more aggressive towards me, and sometimes my two girlfriends. Mostly me, though. He started kicking me repeatedly, along with other things. My parents found out about it, they told the school. The school went out of their way to try and keep us apart. But the thing was...I didn't listen. Probably should have at the time, but I didn't. Any time the teacher came out, we'd go separate ways during recess, then when she was gone, we'd hang out again. I guess I was just too....into the idea of being his friend, since I only had 3, that I didn't stop to think what it was doing to me. After I moved away from that school and moved to here, I was in 6th grade and this guy would pick on me all the time. He even went as far as pulling my chair out from underneath me, and I'd crash to the floor. Teacher never knew about it, but I knew then to stay away from the guy.

 

Later that same grade, I said I was glad some girl was moving. I didn't like her, she didn't like me. I instantly lost all my friends saying that. They'd follow me around at recess, taunt me with their words no matter how many times I tried to walk away from them. The entire 1/2 of a year I spent there was a living torture. Then I started 7th grade, and that was when this one girl would relentessly tease me, saying my friend wasn't my friend, etc. She sent me harassing emails, she'd bully me at school. We were friends at one point, but that evaporated over nothing. The principal knew about it, but they did absolutely nothing! It didn't matter to anyone in the school that I spoke to about it.

 

I wasn't safe from the teachers. They would ridicule me for reading ahead of the class, they'd subject me to staying in a lower reading group that was well below what I could read. I had a math teacher, which was in a class I shouldn't have taken to begin with, that would neglect myself and another student in favor of....well her own race. I'm not just saying that cause I'm racist, or anything, it was something myself and another student noticed over time.

Yes, I think this would definitely come into question when I have kids, and decide what to do with them. I don't want my child to be held back, placed somewhere they aren't ready for, or tormented both at home and school for doing absolutely nothing.

[Guest]

Another post and run, because this topic is still very triggery for me and I don't have a good therapist yet:

 

xdh was also bullied. I find it very easy to forgive him and harder to forgive myself for not seeing the red flags when dd2 was being bullied because we were both dancing around high-fiving each other when OUR kid was getting invited to play dates with the popular clique at Park Day. They always played nicely and seemed to love and accept her as one of their own when her parents were around.

 

They didn't. If we'd had any idea what she was going through, I would have stopped taking her to Park Day immediately and warned the other families before Bad Things happened. But they did happen and lives were destroyed. :(

 

So...the effects of bullying in our family were generational...and according to the grownups at my school, it's because I'm a tattletale who dresses funny, walks funny, talks funny, and reads too many books and all I have to do is "EEEEEEEEE norem"  (as my sister and I always sarcastically spelled the way grownups say "ignore them") and try harder to be more like them . Shame on me. Shame on bad, bad me.

 

Sorry I can't contribute more to this thread than a brief warning encased in slapstick self-deprecating humour right now but I can't, I just can't.....

 

ETA: on Facebook, the bullies have a group where they talk about what nice children they were. They also have a picture of me tagged with the same immature insults they flung like spitballs 45 years ago. So much for "EEEEEEEEEE norem".

 

I moved 3,000 miles away and had my name legally changed so essentially I put myself in the witness protection program. I was actually picked up hitch hiking by the worst bully from 4th grade when I was visiting my Mom, gave him my new name, and he hit on me, offered to show me around the town, and gave me his phone number. I didn't even know it was him until I looked at the piece of paper and then I laughed so hard.

 

 

[FaithManor]

Yes,

 

I don't think that suicidal thughts, elective mutism, and excessive weight loss makes one stronger or produces positive influences on a young person. It did not help the matter when my parents placed trust in a private school that they knew nothing about which turned out be fundamentalist and ATI affiliated. Offence - having a book of Shakespeare sonnets in m backpack. Punishment - no bathroom privileges for the entire school day plus the full day spent on my knees at the altar without food and water. Offence - having panties in my suitcase that had lace on it (overnight school field trip). Punishment - called a harlot and a temptress, slapped hard across the face, and sentenced to a school day left alone in the dark in a locked room. For the few months I went there, it was nothing but faculty abuse day in and day out. I had suffered so much at the public school that I didn't tell my parents anything. When I started refusing food again, dad did some investigating of the school and went balistic! I was placed in an umbrella school that was used as a cover for homeschoolers since it wasn't yeg legal in Michigan and truancy laws were heavily enforced at the time. My parents used my weight loss issue and occasional elective mutism as an execellent reason for me to be a home bound student. I rarely stepped foot on the campus of the cover school, and graduated at 16 with 28 credits, college prep. All of my energy went to the piano.

 

I still only feel comfortable, truly relaxed, with groups of men since my tormentors were all hideous, mean girls and evil female teachers. I also some times have a panic attack when I'm grocery shopping mbecause the absolute worst female bully I ever encountered moved back to the area and sometimes frequents the same store. She is married and has three kids whom I assume she beats the snot out of on a regular basis since her sole happiness consisted of getting her jollies out of trying to destroy me and my friend L. It fries me that she isn't serving hard time in the state penitentiary. She tried to approach me one time in the parking lt after recognizing me. She had a hard look on her face and I told her to back off or I would seriously hurt her right there on the spot. She paused, shrugged, and went to her car. I have no use for anything she has to say. I can forgive, but as hard as I can, I am unable to forget so the consequence of the evil horrors that she committed is that she can never, ever approach me or come near my family or any reason even i she has changed or is the world's most confirmed saint. There is no amount of trust I can bestow on her.

 

So no, there is not one positive element that ever comes from bullying. There is healing that allows you to move on and become a healthy adult. But it is always with you.

[Xuzi]

From 1st grade through 8th grade I was bullied (in HS I was mainly blissfully ignored). 1st-4th grade I was one of only 4 non-Hispanic kids in a rural K-8 school. I was also LDS when just about everyone else was Catholic. I also didn't speak a lick of Spanish. Even though my mom was the Kindergarten teacher at that school, I was *still* bullied. I was called "Medusa" (I had a Dorothy Hammil hair cut that my mom decided to have permed one Spring, and I was forever called "Medusa" after that), pulled off the swings by my hair, and just generally treated like crap. I don't think it helped that I was "richer" than the other kids. My family wasn't rolling in the dough, but these were the children of migrant workers, so most lived in deep poverty. Coming back from Christmas break seeing your classmates wearing the clothes your mom had you donate to the annual Christmas clothing drive probably didn't make them want to be friends with me. I remember several times sitting at the foot of my parents bed, crying my eyes out over not having friends or many kids who would be nice to me, and was given the old "just ignore them" advice. It never worked.

 

In 5th grade I was in a new school, still small and rural, more 50/50 white and hispanic, and I was still bullied. They would tease me about wearing the same pair of pants day after day. They kept a running tally of how many days in a row I wore those pants. Except that I didn't. I even went a whole month purposely not wearing those pants, but the moment I wore them again they were teasing me about "always" wearing them, and how dirty I was.

 

I know my parents did try to resolve the bullying issues at that school, but it only made the hurt worse. They had the principle ask the kids why they didn't like me (without my knowing), then she called me into the office and told me "the kids all think you stink." My mom then took me shopping for my first stick of deodorant, some "feminine spray", and perfume. It was absolutely humiliating. And of course the bullying continued, now lightly scented.

 

Bullying was a huge trigger to my deciding to homeschool. As my DD reached Kindergarten age, I started to panic about what we would do if she were to become the target of bullying. I'd never seen an adult in my life effectively handle diffusing a bullying situation, and I didn't want my kids to experience the sense of hopelessness I felt at knowing that no adult would or could protect me. We started looking into homeschooling as a "Plan B", should a potential bullying situation get out of hand, then finally decided that it looked like a good enough option to be our "Plan A". I hope to never have to put my kids into the public school system.

 

How it effected me is that I automatically assume people don't want me around. When you go through most of your formative years feeling like everyone resents your presence, it can be hard to shake off. The one "benefit" is that it's made me highly individualistic. Not fitting in became my "comfort zone". If "fitting in" meant being like all those nasty kids at school? then I was fine with being different. Going into HS I saw that "fitting in" and being accepted meant doing things that I was not at all comfortable with doing, and so I created my own drum beat. I'd rather be true to myself alone, than surrounded by "friends" who only like me because I'm faking it.

 

I still wouldn't wish the experience on anyone.

[eternalsummer]

Reading these responses brings me to tears for each person who endured this.

 

I was bullied.  And it still impacts my life.

 

I despise bullies.

 

And those who stand by and allow it.

 

I didn't know one single person in junior high who didn't stand by and allow it.  Everyone allowed it, or did it, or was a victim.  Blaming adults for allowing bullying or abuse of peers is one thing, but blaming adolescents is another.  I feel guilty about not protecting those who were weaker than me, but I don't despise my younger self (or the 95% of my classmates who were neither bullies nor bullied)

[SKL]

I actually think that most kids have been bullied at some time or other.  I think 8th grade or thereabouts is a common time for this to happen.  Pretty much everyone I know felt bullied around that age.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know, I don't think most people that say things like that realize they are being hurtful. When I hear things like that today it irks me, but as a child you just don't get how ignorant most people are. Words can be like sacks of bricks we carry around as years. In reference to you throwing up to get out of school, my mom often ignored things that today as a mother seem obvious to me, but maybe I am just a lot more sensitive to it. I do remember after I was married she found some journal I briefly wrote in and forgot about. She was upset that I hadn't shared those things with her before and was sorry.

 

:confused: What?  I didn't make the cut with the tiny bit I shared on a public forum for what constitutes "real" bullying?  My otherness what was prompted people to bully me.  And it was more than just ignorant words.  But I'm not going to share that with anyone who is not in my innermost circle.  

[VeteranMom]

:confused: What?  I didn't make the cut with the tiny bit I shared on a public forum for what constitutes "real" bullying?  My otherness what was prompted people to bully me.  And it was more than just ignorant words.  But I'm not going to share that with anyone who is not in my innermost circle.  

I'm the OP.  I read what you posted.  You definitely made the cut.  Thank you for sharing what you wrote. 

[gardenmom5]

:confused: What?  I didn't make the cut with the tiny bit I shared on a public forum for what constitutes "real" bullying?  My otherness what was prompted people to bully me.  And it was more than just ignorant words.  But I'm not going to share that with anyone who is not in my innermost circle.  

 

:grouphug:

I knew you were barely scraping the surface of what you experienced.  most of us on this thread haven't done much sharing of what we actually experienced - but we don't need to to be taken seriously by those of the rest of us that "have been there".  it's the emotions and (ineffective/unhealthy) coping stratigies that we've all developed.

 

the thing about these little 'darlings', - if it's not one thing it's another.  

[FaithManor]

I think the thing that hurt the most was how complicit the adminstration and teacers were. When two my of ribs were broken from the kicking in the stomach and the school nurse thought I might have a ruptured spleen, my home room teacher told me to stop being dramatic, and the principal called me a whiney, mamby pamby. Though my parents attempted to press charges,  the school fought it, and the girl's parents owned the golf course in town and offered the investigating officer free golf for one year. Nothing happened.

But apparently I was supposed to suck it up and deal because I would be a better person for having the crap kicked out of me.

As for the teachers in the other school who actually physically and emotionally abused us themselves, I do not care a damn what they are like now or if they are sorry. They are reprehensible barely human automatons who should be in jail, rotting for what they did to us.

The one good thing I did in rebellion of the abuse, peed on the altar. They never withheld bathroom privileges again.

[gardenmom5]

I think the thing that hurt the most was how complicit the adminstration and teacers were. When two my ribs were broken from the kicking in the stomach and the school nurse thought I might have a uptured spleen, my home room teacher told me to stop being dramatic, and the principal called me a whiney, mamby pamby. T

 

yeah - administrators just dont' want to accept things aren't just the kid.  1ds had a chronic - and undiagnosed - medical condition.  when trying to work out with the school for support he needed, the school psychologist tried to make it sound like he was just anxious and needed to be at a different school. (iow: they were an elective school and didn't want anyone who was "a problem" of any kind to hurt their image.)   well dear - the local children's hospital, (who were testing him,) doesn't think it's anxiety . . . . . she shut up.  (turned out he had a pinched nerve in his spine.)

[Erin]

Reading these stories, sixth grade was particularly bad for me. I can't even guess how many days of school I missed because I was "sick." I also started losing hair. I was developing a bald spot in the back of my head. Mom was pretty sure it was stress. She was probably right. Needless to say, when MY 6th grader started losing hair this spring, that was my first thought.

 

??

(No Mom. I'm fine. You KNOW everyone in my class. Bailey and Faith are jerks, but that's about it. And they can be jerks if they want I guess...)

It's probably celiac instead. :rolleyes:

 

My mom just recently told me she wishes homeschooling had been a "thing" when I was a kid...We could have tried it.

Me too. My mom, not being able (willing?) to help, was hard on our relationship for many years...

[AMJ]

The one good thing I did in rebellion of the abuse, peed on the altar. They never withheld bathroom privileges again.

Good for you!

[toawh]

I was homeschooled as a child, but my kids now go to school. I ask out of sheer ignorance and because I worry for my babies. Do you think there was something you did that brought you to the bullies' attention? Like why you? Did you try too hard to gain their friendship giving them a sense of power, for example? Also if you were not super talkative what were signs that you were being bullied or little ways you tried to let your parents know? What could your parents have done to help if moving schools or homeschooling was not an option?

[AMJ]

yeah - administrators just dont' want to accept things aren't just the kid. 1ds had a chronic - and undiagnosed - medical condition. when trying to work out with the school for support he needed, the school psychologist tried to make it sound like he was just anxious and needed to be at a different school. (iow: they were an elective school and didn't want anyone who was "a problem" of any kind to hurt their image.) well dear - the local children's hospital, (who were testing him,) doesn't think it's anxiety . . . . . she shut up. (turned out he had a pinched nerve in his spine.)

The first private school we tried refused to let elder DD take spelling quizzes orally until her eyeglasses came in (to give temporary relief to the eyestrain headaches she was having) when we found out she was far-sighted and had vision function issues. "We have to hold all of the children to the same standard." Yeah, right, she would still have to know how to spell the words! The wealthy girl with a visible vision issue, though, got all sorts of accommodations. At that school the more free you were with financial donations, and/or the more you added to the school's image, the better your child was treated. (She, btw, was a sweet child who liked DD. I resented the disparity in accommodations, but not her personally. I liked her.) Even the school library received no respect -- NO operating budget, all books were donated, the library was built for looks and had too many TALL windows (too much sunlight literally cooks the books), and students' studies were frequently interrupted so they could hold meetings there (instead of in the lecture hall I never once saw used). Some schools have really messed up priorities.

[eternalsummer]

I was homeschooled as a child, but my kids now go to school. I ask out of sheer ignorance and because I worry for my babies. Do you think there was something you did that brought you to the bullies' attention? Like why you? Did you try too hard to gain their friendship giving them a sense of power, for example? Also if you were not super talkative what were signs that you were being bullied or little ways you tried to let your parents know? What could your parents have done to help if moving schools or homeschooling was not an option?

 

Mine was in middle school, and mild.  The reason was that I didn't dress correctly (that is, not in a socially acceptable manner).  The unwritten rules of these things are very precise and I think probably not even understandable to adults; my mom didn't know how to buy me the right clothes and I didn't know how to ask.  The girl who was bullied worse than me dressed worse than I did, which was the main indicator of her weakness/suitability as a target.

 

I don't know how you could fix this from the outside, and because I was kind of a weird kid it's probable that the clothing was a symptom of my not-quite-normalness rather than a cause.

 

Edit: there was no way for my parents to have known; I'm not sure about hers.

[AMJ]

I was homeschooled as a child, but my kids now go to school. I ask out of sheer ignorance and because I worry for my babies. Do you think there was something you did that brought you to the bullies' attention? Like why you? Did you try too hard to gain their friendship giving them a sense of power, for example? Also if you were not super talkative what were signs that you were being bullied or little ways you tried to let your parents know? What could your parents have done to help if moving schools or homeschooling was not an option?

Let's see: Kindergarten (public) the teacher refused to believe I could read some words, just because I couldn't read the one word she asked me to. Kids got the impression I was uppity.

 

1st grade (public) the teacher took a dislike to me. I have no idea why, still to this day. My mom had words with the principal on more than one occasion about her. I was therefore a safer target for bullying, since the teacher would blame me and not the bullies.

 

2nd grade (public) the teacher liked me fine and I was smart. I was declared "teacher's pet" and tormented whenever she wasn't around.

 

3rd grade (private) my angry brother and I were the new kids at a new school, and we gave off "weakling" vibes somehow. I had a good teacher, though, who helped me stay challenged in school and curbed the bullying on school premises.

 

4th grade (private) horrid monster of a teacher who singled me out for her worst. Even the class bully took pity on me that year.

 

5th & 6th grades (private) things eased a bit, due to the effects of having shared the monster teacher from the year before (she only taught that one year before she was let go). The boys who tormented me stopped, but the girls continued.

 

first quarter of 7th grade (public) sheer torture. Odd student out again and new in the school. Did not stay in private because we would move soon.

 

rest of 7th and all of 8th (public) attended a 7th-12th grade school, my dad's alma mater he remembered fondly. Tortured on the bus, chased into a parking lot by a pack of boys, beaten up in a restroom for daring to go in (claimed by a girl gang and no one would warn me), generally viewed as "Fresh meat". Living proof that gangs torment others at rural schools.

 

9th & 10th (private, in another town) heavenly refuge. No bullies. No torture. Small all girl boarding school (I was a day student) where I got to stay overnight sometimes when blizzards threatened. Classmates from around the country and the world. Closed at the end of my sophomore year due to stupid state rules and lower enrollment.

 

11 & 12 grades (private) attended my brother's co-ed high school and was immediately claimed by his circle of friends. Helped me trust other kids again. Another very small school (though larger than my previous high school).

 

All of this is aside from the dysfunctional family dynamic I had at home. My brother and I were always viewed as prime targets somehow.

 

Mom was somewhat effective dealing with issues in grade school, but there's only so much that can be done when much of your free time is off campus and away from your house. In Jr High Dad wouldn't believe such things would go on at his alma mater, until the home ec and shop teachers had a talk with him. When a parent refuses to believe you word gets around, and the tormenting escalates.

[elegantlion]

I will say my issues were not part of the reason we homeschool. Ds was in private school for prek and K and had a really positive experience, we just couldn't afford the tuition. I've always tried to teach him to stand up for himself and take no crap, and even with homeschooling he's had an opportunity to do that a few times (not homeschooled kids). Bullying can happen in any environment, school is just the most likely place. 

[texasmama]

I will say my issues were not part of the reason we homeschool. Ds was in private school for prek and K and had a really positive experience, we just couldn't afford the tuition. I've always tried to teach him to stand up for himself and take no crap, and even with homeschooling he's had an opportunity to do that a few times (not homeschooled kids). Bullying can happen in any environment, school is just the most likely place. 

Wanted to chime in in agreement.  One of my kids is dealing with some "posturing" and verbal aggression from another homeschooled kid which has the potential to turn into bullying.  We are watching closely, and I have intervened once when this occurred in my presence.  We are talking a lot to our kid about how our kid kid wants us to proceed.  In dealing with this, dh and I talked at length, and I sought out the counsel of several other parents and also spoke with a therapist I know whose advice I value.  (Not in an official therapist capacity - as a therapist myself, I have access to many colleagues for informal advice.  It's a cool club to belong to.  :) )

 

I will share that as a parent it has been and will be a difficult road to navigate, striking a balance between respecting my child's wishes regarding parental intervention, helping to empower my child for future similar issues, contributing to the character building of another person's child who is in my circle, and fighting down my "mama bear" instincts in order to make the best choices for this particular child, which are different than they would be for another one of my kids.  Much thought has gone into the process, and I am pleased with the way we have handled it thus far (as is my child), but I will say that it has caused me a great deal of internal wrestling as I seek the "right" path.  Parenting is not for the timid, dude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

Bullies always go after those students who are highly capable or have acheived more than they have. If the school is keeping grades private, they'll spot it from the language and the classwork.  They also like the smaller ones, and the ones that will give them the emotional response they desire. Some of them feed on that. They will return until the supply is cut off.

 

 

they will often go after who they perceive as weak.  I had learning disablities, high probability of HFASD (aka: aspergers), and was socially clueless.

there's a reason Martial Arts are recommended for kids who are being bullied.  they can send out an air of self-confidence that is intimidating to bullies (who are at heart - cowards).  and if the bully tries anything - well, they also develop the skills to defuse or defend themselves.

 

and as to the keeping grades private: 1dd's math teacher posted the student ID# with the points.  the top students in the class were comparing numbers trying to figure out who had which grade.  she was friends with some of the kids, but not participating in the group doing the comparing.  they came to her enmass and said "we know it was you". ("cause it wasn't any of them . . . . )

[flyingiguana]

Although the bullies were other kids at school, it may have affected my relationship with my parents.  My parents did nothing and didn't want to do anything.  They told me to ignore it or be strong or roll with the punches (my mother's favorite phrase).

 

As my parents did nothing to protect me, I got the sense that they sided with the bullies.  I wasn't worth protecting.  So I kind of gave up on my parents.

 

However, looking back on things now, and seeing how my sister is STILL bullying me, (and my mother is too, if her memory issues allow her to remember to do it), I suspect the lack of protection wasn't the only thing that made me give up on my family.

 

Does all this affect my relationship with other people?  Hard to say.  Mostly I just don't take difficult personalities very seriously.  If they're being a pain, I write them off.

 

It helps that most of my childhood bullies were not exactly, um, successes in life.

[TechWife]

Well, not quite what you were asking, but my son was bullied and because of that I don't trust teachers who complain about their students. 

[flyingiguana]

I didn't know one single person in junior high who didn't stand by and allow it.  Everyone allowed it, or did it, or was a victim.  Blaming adults for allowing bullying or abuse of peers is one thing, but blaming adolescents is another.  I feel guilty about not protecting those who were weaker than me, but I don't despise my younger self (or the 95% of my classmates who were neither bullies nor bullied)

 

If it's any consolation to you, I did stand up for some other kids at one point.  And got beat up worse than when it was just me getting picked on for being myself (yes, with teachers seeing the whole thing...)

 

There's a reason most kids don't stand up for kids that are getting picked on.  It's called self preservation.  Most kids are smarter than I was about that.

 

I really hate that some organizations seem to send the message that other kids should stand up for what's right.  It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

 

[SKL]

I do tell my kids to stick up for others who are picked on.  They have told me about times they have done this.  So far, so good.  (Though they are only in 2nd grade, so who knows about the future.)   They also stick up for each other, even against adults.

 

I do have my kids in martial arts, in the hope that they will exude a tiny bit of confidence and, if necessary, put a quick end to any physical nonsense.  My kids are young and one is petite.  They are also minorities in a mostly-white school.  One is an egghead, the other a bit slow in school.  The question isn't whether they will be picked on, but when.  Hopefully nobody will ever need to find this out, but my apparently soft Miss E and her small sister can put a serious hurtin' on anyone who asks for it.  And I won't punish them for doing so.

 

Though the realist in me says, all of that might be worth nothing.  It really depends on whether the bullies' words penetrate the surface.  Not sure whether there is any antidote for that.

[Dmmetler]

I was homeschooled as a child, but my kids now go to school. I ask out of sheer ignorance and because I worry for my babies. Do you think there was something you did that brought you to the bullies' attention? Like why you? Did you try too hard to gain their friendship giving them a sense of power, for example? Also if you were not super talkative what were signs that you were being bullied or little ways you tried to let your parents know? What could your parents have done to help if moving schools or homeschooling was not an option?

 

In my case, it was having a teacher call out "If you're so smart, why can't you X"-I was a 2e kid who, at the time, had reading and math skills years above my grade level, but could physically barely hold a pencil. She would do things like have kids run to the front of the room and write spelling words, and then would pick my penmanship to bits. I have a severe speech/language impairment (dyspraxia), and when I get upset, I lose my words-I very literally cannot get words out of my mouth, so would end up standing there, trying to make my body cooperate, which would lead her to claim I was being disrespectful because I wouldn't answer her questions. It got so bad that I couldn't even ask to be excused to use the restroom, which means that there were a couple of occasions I had accidents because she'd kept me in during breaks when normally restroom use was allowed, and I couldn't say that I needed to go.

 

It didn't take long before the pushing and shoving on the playground started, and the attacks on the way home from school. It spread out of my grade level, so I was safe nowhere.  Eventually, I just plain couldn't go-I'd get physically sick at the idea of going to school.

 

It was bad. It was handled, basically, by labeling me as this sensitive, emotionally disturbed genius who couldn't handle being in a regular class, and I spent most of the next three years going between pull-out classes and hiding out in the teacher's lounge. It got me through school, and it broke the cycle of abuse, so when I got to middle school, I wasn't teased nearly as badly and was able to fly under the radar, but it definitely left me struggling and feeling disconnected socially and emotionally. It would have been much worse except that the school instrumental music program started in 5th grade, and that gave me a place I did belong-because I may not have been able to talk to other people, but I could play an instrument in a group with them. In high school, my friends came from band.

 

The funny thing was that when I finally went to a university music program, I found that it had a lot of mean, petty, abusive people who would push others down, so I ended up making most of my friends outside that department-mostly drama folks who had reacted to being social outcasts by putting on different roles and personalities, and the kids who had been abused and rejected math and science folks, who were now happy in their labs and classes and study groups. They were where I belonged.

[StaceyinLA]

I was verbally bullied pretty badly in elementary, middle and maybe a little early on in high school. Mostly it was kids making fun of me for being ugly and calling me names, sometimes pretty relentlessly. I think it did affect my self-esteem for a few years, but once I started wearing makeup and developed into a not-quite-so ugly duckling, I became more self assured. THAT has stuck. I'm pretty strong-willed with a good bit of self esteem for the most part.

 

The school experience (all of it, not just the bullying aspect) IS what prompted me to home school. I just disliked most everything about school. If I would've had better overall experiences, who knows...

[DarlaS]

I've only seen this happen in many bad, teen movies.  I don't imagine it's ever happened IRL, though.

 

:iagree:

 

And only after the victim somehow proves his/her worth in some way, and the bullies realize he/she is not so bad after all.  :glare:

[FaithManor]

:iagree:

 

And only after the victim somehow proves his/her worth in some way, and the bullies realize he/she is not so bad after all.  :glare:

Exactly.

 

This is the single biggest problem with bully intervention programs and most of the parental and educator advice that gets handed down to victims. You have to make yourself worthy of basic human dignity and rights instead of being worthy of them simply for being a human being. The bully is not told he or she MUST comply with basic human rights and laws or else suffer severe consequences and humiliation himself, but that the bullying is okay until the victim figures out how to "rise above". It perpetuates discrimination and a caste mentality in our communities.

 

Ideally, if I were in charge, physical bullying and verbal cruelty would be met with stiff penalty and community service because bullying is also a crime against the community as it creates a huge array of social ills that may have to be dealt with in the future, lower graduation rates, truancy, mental and health problems, suicide, etc. So the bully would be put out of school for at least a semester and the parent held responsible to provide the education which means, alternative school, online school, private school at their own expense, tutors at their expense, homeschooling, whatever. With K-12 free to public school students in many states, that would be one option and the parent would have to provide the supervision, hard for single parents, but again, this is not the problem of the victim or their family or even the school district though certainly offering an isolated place where there might be a qualified adult to provide supervision could be an option. But, included in this would be intervention from CPS and community mental health. There would be evaluations done to see if the bully had a mental health issue of his or her own, the family would have to endure investigation to see if something was happening in the home that could be causing the child to act out so aggressively and dangerously, and the family would have a therapist in home once per week for the duration of the "sentence". No matter how young, the perpetrator would have something that he or she had to do to "pay back" the community. It could be picking up sticks in the school yard for six months, reading aloud at a nursing home, mowing government property under the supervision of the lawn company, stuffing envelopes at the school for mass mailings, dusting counter tops and window sills on Saturday with the custodian, picking up trash along a street each week, whatever. There would be something that might not necessarily be a pleasant way to pass the time that the student would have to do. The bully would then have to read an apology to the victim and to his school community - his or her entire grade would be appropriate - in front of them on his first day back. Nothing about being the bully would appear to be fun, heroic, or cool. The teachers would then be instructed on pain of time off without pay to welcome said youngster back with open arms, keep a close eye on the student, praise liberally when the student did something right, jump on any behavior that indicated a return of the old attitude, and file a progress report on that student every single week for the next six months. At the high school level, since I hate to say it a lot of cheerleaders and football players are the cause of physical and verbal bullying, being charged with bullying and found guilty, would result in the loss of privileges for participating in sports, field trips, band, choir, debate, chess, whatever....no clubs, nothing that earns one any attention or glory. Just academic subjects required for graduation. This would last for a period of two years and in the case of sports, band, and choir, the reality is that it would dash the hopes of many a promising player which might those that are prone to bullying think twice about it. The student would have escort in the hallways, cafeteria, parking lot, and recess areas for six months. This could be provided by parent volunteers, teachers taking turns, para-pros that have already been hired to provide assistance to other students, the school secretary, the custodian, the librarian, I the case of middle school students, it could be that a very responsible high school senior might be assigned and earn some credit for a psychology or child development class, etc. If one put one's mind to it, a way can be found. It's just that administrators don't want to be bothered to find a way...too much work. Why bother earning that big superintendent salary by actually ADDRESSING ISSUE!!!! :banghead:  :banghead:  :banghead:

 

That may be tough on the parent that is trying at home, really trying and is very concerned about their child's bullying ways, and unsure of what to do. But at that point, getting a psych evaluation courtesy of the community, a family therapist, a social worker to report to, a set of boundaries that the child must abide by regardless of how the parents feel about it, authorities to answer to, work to perform, and groveling in order to get back into the good graces of the school, may be the thing that the parent needs in order to turn the child around. Sometimes we just simply can't take a child that strongly determined to be mean and go it alone. Sometimes it would be really nice if there were answers within the community to help parents...to have their backs, so to speak. Plus, any bully that gets turned around and becomes a productive student early is a win for the community. Any child who is acting out because of alcoholism, drug abuse, or beatings in the home and receives intervention is a boon to the community and we should care enough about ALL children, bully or victim both, to intervene for any child that is someone else's punching bag, serves as the parentified child at home due to substance abuse, or suffers horrid neglect. The student that refuses to change and ends up expelled, if nothing else, has had his or her steady diet of victims removed and the victims can breathe a sigh of relief, get help, and move on in a healthier environment.

 

Given the absolute waste in the school system, this would be affordable if the crap spending were weeded out and the only thing that will probably force that to happen is threat of lawsuits on a colossal level by the parents of the victims. A few really good, unbelievable fleecings of every school district in America would probably make schools take a harder look at their asinine policies and stupidity. It's entirely possible that a good bit of the bullying endured in today's schools would be ended due to removing the cultural perks for being a bully to begin with and providing early mental health intervention, and strong deterrents to becoming a bully.

[happi duck]

I didn't know one single person in junior high who didn't stand by and allow it.  Everyone allowed it, or did it, or was a victim.  Blaming adults for allowing bullying or abuse of peers is one thing, but blaming adolescents is another.  I feel guilty about not protecting those who were weaker than me, but I don't despise my younger self (or the 95% of my classmates who were neither bullies nor bullied)

 

I think who you quoted did not say 'blame'.

 

I understand that everyone is trying to stay off the bully's radar but it adds to the bullying when others see and do nothing.  The bullied kid becomes the human sacrifice to the bully, "As long as so-and-so is the target, we're safe."

 

I hate that adults do nothing because it not only lets kids continue to be hurt but I think setting kids up to be "silent bystanders" is harmful as well.

[SKL]

When I think of my situation in 8th grade, I just keep going back to feeling sorry for the bullies.  Together they seemed larger than life to me at the time, but in reality they were each a mess.  Very likely they were being abused or neglected in some way or other at home.  Actually with some of them, you could see it from a mile away.  The one who was probably most capable of thinking straight was the one who ended up apologizing to me.

 

I looked up the girl who was the most angry and messed up (not the same girl who punched me a lot and apologized).  She died young.  I have no idea how - drugs, suicide come to mind.

 

So I agree with social / psychological intervention for someone who exhibits a pattern of bullying.  But I don't agree with a long campaign of shaming.

 

What if we held teachers and/or administrators legally responsible for supervising and preventing kids from being hurt by other kids?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I dealt with physical bullies in a way that would never be tolerated in today's schools.  In grade school I gave the bus bully and the playground bully (both boys) exactly what they had given me and despite shouted threats of retaliation, they left me physically alone after that.  Verbal abuse and shunning was there no matter what and came mostly from the girls.  In high school I punched the guy who kept shoving me and knocking my books out of my arms as hard as I could in his stomach.  Fortunately, he thought it was funny and spunky and left me alone.  Being left alone didn't solve the social ostracism but I had my place with the kids who were stoned and were flunking out of class.  I ended up being their unpaid tutor.  What helped though was that I knew from the start that I would only be at those schools for a year and so while it was lonely, I put up with it.  What hurt worst those years were the kids who were sweet to me in church and verbally abused me while at school.  They couldn't figure out why I wanted nothing to with them at church either. . . 

 

The scars left by a legalistic boarding school are a totally other thing.  That was not abuse by other kids but by adults and the "system".  

[gardenmom5]

 

 

. At the high school level, since I hate to say it a lot of football players are the cause of physical and verbal bullying, being charged with bullying and found guilty, would result in the loss of privileges for participating in sports,

and hence the reason why none of this will ever be instituted.  until sports stars stop being placed upon a pedistal - they will never be held accountable.  there have been way too many ( well, once would have been "too many") cases of high school football players raping a girl - and the girl gets blamed/threatened/her life made miserable because "he's a football player" and it would "hurt the school" to hold him accountable.
 

[FaithManor]

and hence the reason why none of this will ever be instituted.  until sports stars stop being placed upon a pedistal - they will never be held accountable.  there have been way too many ( well, once would have been "too many") cases of high school football players raping a girl - and the girl gets blamed/threatened/her life made miserable because "he's a football player" and it would "hurt the school" to hold him accountable.

 

I agree, but the pocket book is what ultimately counts. So I do think that a plethora of LARGE settlements against multiple school districts across this nation could make them think. No matter how pro sports a school is when they can't get liability insurance anymore because of the number of lawsuits against them, something has to give.

 

But, again, it's going to take communities refusing to take this crap anymore and suing their butts off to make it end. I am not sure I have faith in Americans to get the job done anymore. Too much nationwide narcissism.

[gardenmom5]

I agree, but the pocket book is what ultimately counts. So I do think that a plethora of LARGE settlements against multiple school districts across this nation could make them think. No matter how pro sports a school is when they can't get liability insurance anymore because of the number of lawsuits against them, something has to give.

 

But, again, it's going to take communities refusing to take this crap anymore and suing their butts off to make it end. I am not sure I have faith in Americans to get the job done anymore. Too much nationwide narcissism.

 

and it depends upon the court.  I'm thinking of one case out of northern MO (extremely rural area.  my mother's family is from nearby) where they attempted to sue - and even the county prosecutor sided with the football players.  the whole town got in on threatening the girl.

[FaithManor]

and it depends upon the court. I'm thinking of one case out of northern MO (extremely rural area. my mother's family is from nearby) where they attempted to sue - and even the county prosecutor sided with the football players. the whole town got in on threatening the girl.

I think that is what frightens me so muc about American culture. It's turning into the Hunger Games out there. The residents of the capitol are willing to sacrifice the young for the sake of entertainment. It's one very strong reason why we are trying to retire in another country. We just aren't comfortable in this culture anymore.

[kiwik]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is something I have heard frequently.

 

Does anyone ever think this through? In most cases what doesn't kill you cripples or stunts you (emotionally or physically).

[Melissa in Australia]

quote"When I think of my situation in 8th grade, I just keep going back to feeling sorry for the bullies. Together they seemed larger than life to me at the time, but in reality they were each a mess. Very likely they were being abused or neglected in some way or other at home. Actually with some of them, you could see it from a mile away. The one who was probably most capable of thinking straight was the one who ended up apologizing to me.

 

 

 

I looked up the girl who was the most angry and messed up (not the same girl who punched me a lot and apologized). She died young. I have no idea how - drugs, suicide come to mind."

 

I agree.

the main two bullies that basked me up every single day and when I one day retaliated and wacked them with my very loaded school bag pulled out a knife and held it to my throat, both died before the end of grade 8. both from drug overdoses

 

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

sorry about my post being bunched up, I am unable to post paragraph breaks, do quotes, edit or use smiley faces at the moment

[swellmomma]

I was homeschooled as a child, but my kids now go to school. I ask out of sheer ignorance and because I worry for my babies. Do you think there was something you did that brought you to the bullies' attention? Like why you? Did you try too hard to gain their friendship giving them a sense of power, for example? Also if you were not super talkative what were signs that you were being bullied or little ways you tried to let your parents know? What could your parents have done to help if moving schools or homeschooling was not an option?

I didn't do anything beyond exist.  They would find things about me to pick on, such as my glasses, or how I cried when we got our in school vaccinations when I was 9.  They made fun of my height, my name, my grades, my clothes, you name it they found fault with it.  None of that could have been changed nor should it have to be as none of it was anything to be ashamed of.  My mere existence seemed to be what triggered it.  Why me? who the hell knows or cares, it's been that way since I was 9 years old and continues to be.  That's like asking an abused woman what she did to cause her husband to hit her, or asking a child what they did to cause their parent to beat them...there is no answer for that.  The victim did nothing to cause it, the bully is a power tripping a$$hole who will find fault with anyone to suit their needs.

 

My parents did know, they chose to do nothing so I can't answer the second part of the post in a helpful way.