Am I doomed to become a fretful old woman?

[Garga]

I've been getting frustrated by my MIL for something...and now my own mother is doing it, too. I'm wondering if it's an age thing???

 

I pretty much never see my mother. We live over 2000 miles apart. She's been away for 19 of the 21 years I've been married. We rarely talk on the phone, even though we do like each other a lot. It's just not our way to talk on the phone.

 

We're going out west to visit her in a couple of months. She has been coming up with things for us to do while we're there with the kids. She said, "We can build a dog house for the dog together."

 

I thought that sounded like fun and said so in an email. I also wrote, "Any ideas on what color we'll paint it?" It was just a fun question in passing. She loves to paint rooms in her house and I thought she'd enjoy coming up with a color. She used to love that. When we did talk on the phone after that, she homed in on the color question. I'd forgotten that I'd asked it, and she said, "Why did you ask about the color? Did you have one you wanted it painted? What does it matter what color we paint it? Do you have strong feelings about what color we paint the doghouse? In fact, the dog will probably never even use it. We're only making it for the kids to have something to do." And she seemed confused by the question. I thought it was just a fun throwaway question. I thought, "huh" about her intense response, but let it go.

 

Later, I sent an email asking, "Are there any big buildings near you? The boys like to explore big buildings. When we went to the state capitol they had a blast just wandering through it. They like to wander through museums and we went to a cathedral in Baltimore and they had fun walking through it." (It was a small cathedral--really it was just a large church. It wasn't like Notre Dame or something.)

 

She just called me all atwitter. She left a message on the machine (I was out) that was so long that she had to call back to finish her message. She started by saying, "And about those buildings...uh (and she gave a disbelieving laugh)...uh there aren't any "big buildings" nearby. Certainly no cathedrals (another "you're so silly" laugh)." She went on and on about how they live "out west" and there's nothing nearby that big, except the Grand Canyon and you can fall over the edge of that if you wander too much, and on and on...

 

Ok. That's fine. I had just tossed it out as a suggestion. I've never been to Arizona. I don't know where the state capitol is (bad American), or whether or not they have a museum nearby. The museums and churches and state capitol I took my boys to were over an hour's drive away. I live in farm country. I know what it's like not to have stuff nearby. She's been here. She knows there are no cathedrals or museums, etc nearby. I just wondered whether any of these things were within an hour's drive.

 

She also asked what the boys like to eat. They're picky. I gave her the complete list of what they eat. She said in the voice message that she "didn't know what to do about food" because she already bought "kid food" like chicken nuggets and tater tots because she thought my sons liked kids food. She said, "I just don't know how I can pull together a dinner with the list you gave to me." She was all in a tizzy about that, too. The list, that has all that food on it that she can't figure out how to turn into a dinner? It included: tacos, spaghetti, fried chicken, broiled fish, fish sticks and mac and cheese. Um...aren't those dinners? How can you not know how to pull together a dinner over fried chicken? Or tacos?

 

My MIL is the same way. They both glom onto something that is NOT a big deal, get all in a tizzy, and act as if I have unreasonable demands. I don't care what color we paint the dog house. I don't care that there are no big buildings nearby, I don't understand why the menu is so difficult. Those are the exact meals I ate growing up!

 

I guess this is a vent, but a sad one. I remember my mother as vibrant and witty and sharp as a tack. I am somewhat scared and saddened to have her fretting over these non-issues. And now, just like with my MIL, I'll have to call her to "reassure" her that everything is ok. And if she's like my MIL, she won't believe me and will continue to go on and on about these non-issues.

 

Am I doomed to be the same way when I turn 65? Do we all become fretful as we get older?

[Stacia]

:grouphug:

 

I wonder the same thing. My mom has done similar things the past couple of years.

 

Otoh, my mil (who just turned 80) is not this way *at all*. I want to grow up to be like my mil (I tell my dh that all the time) & am determined not to let genetics pull me the other way.

 

Wish me luck. Wishing you luck too.

[Laura Corin]

Do they have much social outlet? My mother gets panicked- I think because interaction is rare and overly significant.

[Amy in NH]

My mom does this too.  I always feel like she is trying to create drama because she gets uptight over the stupidest little details and turns everything into such a hassle.  Chill out already!  :chillpill:

[Alice]

My Mom does this to some extent, I think it's because she wants so much to please us. We have very different personalities and I think she tends to assume that I'm upset or not happy at times when I'm just quiet. We rarely visit my parents who are about 2 hours away because I can tell that it stresses her for us to come. She says she likes it but she spends so much time cleaning and worrying about what foods to buy and buying them and worrying about cooking and, and, and, etc. And the phone calls before hand are out of control. It's the same around holidays. 

 

I think it may be partly a function of age but also partly a function of personality. 

[NorthwestMom]

I've been getting frustrated by my MIL for something...and now my own mother is doing it, too. I'm wondering if it's an age thing???

 

I pretty much never see my mother. We live over 2000 miles apart. She's been away for 19 of the 21 years I've been married. We rarely talk on the phone, even though we do like each other a lot. It's just not our way to talk on the phone.

 

We're going out west to visit her in a couple of months. She has been coming up with things for us to do while we're there with the kids. She said, "We can build a dog house for the dog together."

 

I thought that sounded like fun and said so in an email. I also wrote, "Any ideas on what color we'll paint it?" It was just a fun question in passing. She loves to paint rooms in her house and I thought she'd enjoy coming up with a color. She used to love that. When we did talk on the phone after that, she homed in on the color question. I'd forgotten that I'd asked it, and she said, "Why did you ask about the color? Did you have one you wanted it painted? What does it matter what color we paint it? Do you have strong feelings about what color we paint the doghouse? In fact, the dog will probably never even use it. We're only making it for the kids to have something to do." And she seemed confused by the question. I thought it was just a fun throwaway question. I thought, "huh" about her intense response, but let it go.

 

Later, I sent an email asking, "Are there any big buildings near you? The boys like to explore big buildings. When we went to the state capitol they had a blast just wandering through it. They like to wander through museums and we went to a cathedral in Baltimore and they had fun walking through it." (It was a small cathedral--really it was just a large church. It wasn't like Notre Dame or something.)

 

She just called me all atwitter. She left a message on the machine (I was out) that was so long that she had to call back to finish her message. She started by saying, "And about those buildings...uh (and she gave a disbelieving laugh)...uh there aren't any "big buildings" nearby. Certainly no cathedrals (another "you're so silly" laugh)." She went on and on about how they live "out west" and there's nothing nearby that big, except the Grand Canyon and you can fall over the edge of that if you wander too much, and on and on...

 

Ok. That's fine. I had just tossed it out as a suggestion. I've never been to Arizona. I don't know where the state capitol is (bad American), or whether or not they have a museum nearby. The museums and churches and state capitol I took my boys to were over an hour's drive away. I live in farm country. I know what it's like not to have stuff nearby. She's been here. She knows there are no cathedrals or museums, etc nearby. I just wondered whether any of these things were within an hour's drive.

 

She also asked what the boys like to eat. They're picky. I gave her the complete list of what they eat. She said in the voice message that she "didn't know what to do about food" because she already bought "kid food" like chicken nuggets and tater tots because she thought my sons liked kids food. She said, "I just don't know how I can pull together a dinner with the list you gave to me." She was all in a tizzy about that, too. The list, that has all that food on it that she can't figure out how to turn into a dinner? It included: tacos, spaghetti, fried chicken, broiled fish, fish sticks and mac and cheese. Um...aren't those dinners? How can you not know how to pull together a dinner over fried chicken? Or tacos?

 

My MIL is the same way. They both glom onto something that is NOT a big deal, get all in a tizzy, and act as if I have unreasonable demands. I don't care what color we paint the dog house. I don't care that there are no big buildings nearby, I don't understand why the menu is so difficult. Those are the exact meals I ate growing up!

 

I guess this is a vent, but a sad one. I remember my mother as vibrant and witty and sharp as a tack. I am somewhat scared and saddened to have her fretting over these non-issues. And now, just like with my MIL, I'll have to call her to "reassure" her that everything is ok. And if she's like my MIL, she won't believe me and will continue to go on and on about these non-issues.

 

Am I doomed to be the same way when I turn 65? Do we all become fretful as we get older?

 

Please observe your mother carefully while you visit. Because this is a change from her previous behavior, it might indicate the very earliest stages of mild cognitive impairment. People with mild cognitive impairment have a very difficult time accommodating unexpected events or information. 

 

I think most of us become less flexible as we get older, but healthy older people can handle the change in dinner plans. Good luck.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

My MIL is like this. "Are Cheerios okay? I bought some honey nut. Will the kids like that? I can go get something else." Drives me bonkers. Every day that my kids are there, she cooks like four or five different breakfasts so that every kid gets exactly what they want.

 

I tell her to just fix something and they will eat it.

 

My dh says that his Grandma was the same way.

 

My mom? I don't know. She died a few years ago after a long bout with cancer, so I don't know how she wouldv'e been as she aged.

[nevergiveup]

You rarely see her.

You rarely talk to her.

 

If I were her, I would be nervous as heck having you visit.

[Unicorn.]

 

I pretty much never see my mother. We live over 2000 miles apart. She's been away for 19 of the 21 years I've been married. We rarely talk on the phone, even though we do like each other a lot. It's just not our way to talk on the phone.

 

 

 

It could just be that she is so excited about the visit, and just wants everything to be perfect.  Maybe she doesn't want to disappoint you, or have the kids disappointed, so she's focusing on minor details.

[Gil]

It could be nerves. Its been a long time since you've been around your mom so she could just be very nervous/excited to have you and her grandbabies. You might want to try for a follow up visit in a few months after this one to see if she seems 'more over the top' than before. 65 isn't terribly old, but it could be a cognitive thing and early diagnosis and early intervention is key for some of these cognitive issues that crop up with age.

[PrincessMommy]

I don't know the answer, but I've become increasingly dismayed at how people seem to be aging.  What happened to the idea that people mellow with age??  It just doesn't seem to be the case in the ones we know personally.

[J-rap]

I think as people get older, little things that have always been part of their personalities often become more pronounced.  I don't know if it's the start of dementia or if it's because they don't have enough other outlets, or what.  In any case, 65 isn't even old in my book!  Maybe she is just really nervous.

 

My MIL was kind of obsessive-compulsive and it sure has gotten worse these past few years.  I think she used to be able to keep it in check because she was so busy, but I also think she is in the early stages of dementia.  However, she is 90!

 

My own parents are 86 but they are their same sweet, fun-loving selves still, thank goodness.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom is a fretful old woman.  But she was a fretful young woman too.  She just hid it a lot better.  

[PrincessMommy]

I think as people get older, little things that have always been part of their personalities often become more pronounced.  I don't know if it's the start of dementia or if it's because they don't have enough other outlets, or what.  In any case, 65 isn't even old in my book!  Maybe she is just really nervous.

 

My MIL was kind of obsessive-compulsive and it sure has gotten worse these past few years.  I think she used to be able to keep it in check because she was so busy, but I also think she is in the early stages of dementia.  However, she is 90!

 

My own parents are 86 but they are their same sweet, fun-loving selves still, thank goodness.

 

I agree... my MIL told me that very thing many years ago.  Now it's happening to her (87) and it makes me sad to see.

[Garga]

Well, I called her and she seemed to have settled down.  She said that when she re-read the foods the kids like that she realized it wasn't that big of a deal and she could easily make those.  

 

I think you guys are right that she's excited/nervous that we'll be there.  I was surprised to see her acting this way because my MIL acts this way, too, and we see her all the time. That's what made me wonder whether it was something about getting older.  And NO!  I don't think 65 is old!  That's part of why I'm doubly-surprised at the fretful behavior.  I agree with a previous poster--what happened to mellowing as you age?  

 

My MIL who is fretful has such a busy life that we have to schedule time with her weeks in advance.  My own mother has a very quiet life and doesn't do a lot, so the fretting doesn't seem to be about whether or not they are involved with other people.  Their busyness levels are different, but their fretfulness is the same.

 

I think the person who said that how you were when you were young becomes more pronounced as you get older might be true.  Lightbulb moment here:  My MIL and my mother both had abusive alcoholic fathers and, consequently, they both have glaring issues with low self-esteem.  It could be that when those low self-esteem issues pop up, now that they're older they don't hide it as well.  Since I did not have an abusive family growing up, I'm not driven to please an un-pleasable "father" in my life.  I've always felt accepted by family. I don't fret that people will be unhappy with me. Thank the Lord for a mother who made a point not to raise me the way her mother and father raised her.  

[solascriptura]

She seems nervous about your visit. You are definitely not doomed though. My mom has eased up a lot as she has become older and now she is a lot more pleasant to be with!

[ThisIsTheDay]

I've been getting frustrated by my MIL for something...and now my own mother is doing it, too. I'm wondering if it's an age thing???

 

 

 

I agree with a previous poster, my mom has become like this in a giant effort to please.  Over the years, she's become more set in her ways and she doesn't see us as often as we all would like.  When she does, it is a BIG deal, and she frets over things that leave me :confused1: .

 

She's very social, involved in all sorts of activities, but she wants to be sure *we* like her.  It makes no sense to me (of course we love and adore her!), and I try to not go crazy over it.

 

When my dd was one or two and we visited, I commented that she liked blue box macaroni and cheese.  They went out and bought seven different varieties/flavors--all Kraft--because, "We didn't know what she liked."  My kids are now 19 and 15, and she still wants to send any emails to them through me, "just to be sure" they are okay.  :confused1: :confused1: :confused1:   (I refuse.)

 

About Arizona--they do have a cool science museum downtown.  We've only been there once, but I know people will offer great suggestions about what to do.  Will you have access to a pool too?  It will be a fun vacation . . . hopefully!

[Joyofsixreboot]

It could just be that she is so excited about the visit, and just wants everything to be perfect.  Maybe she doesn't want to disappoint you, or have the kids disappointed, so she's focusing on minor details.

I'm this way now.  You just want everything to be nice and not disappointing.  She loves you all and is trying to express it.

[Scarlett]

Well, I called her and she seemed to have settled down. She said that when she re-read the foods the kids like that she realized it wasn't that big of a deal and she could easily make those.

 

I think you guys are right that she's excited/nervous that we'll be there. I was surprised to see her acting this way because my MIL acts this way, too, and we see her all the time. That's what made me wonder whether it was something about getting older. And NO! I don't think 65 is old! That's part of why I'm doubly-surprised at the fretful behavior. I agree with a previous poster--what happened to mellowing as you age?

 

My MIL who is fretful has such a busy life that we have to schedule time with her weeks in advance. My own mother has a very quiet life and doesn't do a lot, so the fretting doesn't seem to be about whether or not they are involved with other people. Their busyness levels are different, but their fretfulness is the same.

 

I think the person who said that how you were when you were young becomes more pronounced as you get older might be true. Lightbulb moment here: My MIL and my mother both had abusive alcoholic fathers and, consequently, they both have glaring issues with low self-esteem. It could be that when those low self-esteem issues pop up, now that they're older they don't hide it as well. Since I did not have an abusive family growing up, I'm not driven to please an un-pleasable "father" in my life. I've always felt accepted by family. I don't fret that people will be unhappy with me. Thank the Lord for a mother who made a point not to raise me the way her mother and father raised her.

I have a similar situation with my mom. She always felt so unlovable, although as she ages she says there was never any abuse in her family.....her parents weren't perfect but they did the best they could and she knows they did love her. But she spent a lot of time making me feel important and even now that is a line she says often to my niece, "you are valuable, your feelings matter" especially when someone is being unkind to my niece. So yeah I am grateful for a mom who could rise above her own feelings and raise me with self esteem.

 

I agree with the others that she is probably just so excited to see you all. I hope she can relax and enjoy.