Am I a horrible hag or should I make DD occasionally practice dance? Frustrated mom warning!

[aggieamy]

DD has been taking Highlands dance for about a year and loves it.  She has the greatest teacher who gives her private lesson and who DD adores.  There's a group of girls who also do dance that she enjoys hanging out with.  She loves the kilt and learning the dances.  No problems there.  

 

She won't practice.  I consider what she's being asked to do by her teacher very reasonable - an hour of practice a week.  Basically about 20 minutes, three times a week.  We have tried letting her decide when she does it and doing it as much as she wants.  She does nothing.  We have tried reminding her.  She has a crabby attitude about it.  

 

Right now our system is three days a week we remind her but it's like pulling teeth.  There is much wailing and unhappiness.  I'm at my wits end.  It's unfair for her teacher to send DD to class without practicing because she won't improve and the teacher will be wasting her time.  We have sat down with DD and made sure she really wants to do dance since she shows zero interest in practicing outside of class.  She was heartbroken at the suggestion of giving it up.  Ugh.

 

Anyone else with a kid like this?  How do you handle it?  I'm out of ideas and frustrated.  

[solascriptura]

I would calmly tell her that you will provide a reminder, but will not force her. I am assuming that the lessons cost money? I am assuming because most dance lessons do. If she will not practice, tell her that you won't sign up again. If she loves the teacher and lessons that much, she will learn to practice. If you follow through, she will begin to learn the nature of actions and consequences.

[solascriptura]

I would calmly tell her that you will provide a reminder, but will not force her. I am assuming that the lessons cost money? I am assuming because most dance lessons do. If she will not practice, tell her that you won't sign up again. If she loves the teacher and lessons that much, she will learn to practice. If you follow through, she will begin to learn the nature of actions and consequences.

I guess this may seem harsh, but in my opinion, dance is optional. I may not be so willing to drop it if it was an essential subject.

[maize]

She pays for the lesson if she doesn't practice. You pay for the lesson if she did the work to prepare for it.

[G5052]

She pays for the lesson if she doesn't practice. You pay for the lesson if she did the work to prepare for it.

 

That's our policy with piano.

[Wilma]

Would getting the teacher involved help?  Have a private chat with her and explain the situation.  Then at the lesson she can say, "gee, it looks like you've not been practicing at home -- I really think you'd do better in lessons if you'd apply yourself during the week!"  Maybe make a chart for the practice times that she fills out at home and then turns in to the teacher at the beginning of the lesson?

 

If she balks at practising then, I'd either quit lessons or require that she pays.  You're making an investment in her development as a dancer, and if she's not practising, she's not holding up her end of the thing.

[Tammi K]

When my 2nd DD ( the classical pianist) was in high school, she was busy with a job and school work and didn't always want to practice the prescribed hour each day.  We didn't want to nag and scold but we also didn't want to pay for lessons if she wasn't going to be prepared.

 

We told her that she was required to practice 5 days a week. The 6th day was her lesson day. She had one 'free day' to use any time during the week. She had to practice and get a parent signature to verify that it was done. (A preemptive design to prevent the dreaded, "But, YOU heard me practice on Tuesday!" )

 

On lesson day, she showed us his signature list for the previous week and if it had 5 signatures, I gave her money for her lesson. IF she forgot to practice, or get her sheet signed, I sent her off - but told her to double check that she had her wallet!  It only happened twice after we instituted the policy!  (She went on to be offered a lovely full scholarship to a great music program in Virginia.)

 

I never wanted to fight about lessons so I put it firmly in her corner. You can have lessons and I will pay for them but your part of the deal is....... 

 

ETA: I should have read all the replies first. It looks like my idea wasn't all that original.   But, it appears that it worked for several of us!

[redsquirrel]

If the teacher expects it then it should get done. The teacher is seeing lessons as a time to demonstrate how hard the student worked on new skills during the week. It is prob that or have multiple lessons a week. So, like with a musical instrument practice is expected.

 

My sons are learning two instruments and one takes voice lessons. All of those have a clearly stated expectation of practice at home and all teachers have the students(and me!)  sign a practice contract. The teachers are all quite clear about that. So, I have it as part of our lessons. I have it right in their daily schedules. Music: Horn, Piano, Voice.  It gets checked off like math and science. There isn't a question of if, only when it happens. There are times that practice is more difficult than others, when that happens then music happens first. I suggest you have dance practice be the first or one of the first things you do every day in school until it becomes totally automatic. Warning, that could take at least a year, lol.

 

My sons also study ballet but that is not practiced outside of class. Traditionally, ballet is only done with a teacher present. However, that means that my older boy has 6 classes a week. 

 

wanted to add: some people feel awkward practicing in front of people. Fair enough. With some things (like french horn) it is difficult to be private about it, lol. But with dance you might make an effort to give her some privacy. Make a space where she can do her thing away from prying eyes. At least send her into a different room and assure her the space is hers while she dances.

 

And if you do see her practicing, don't comment or criticise. If you think she could do something better, let her teacher handle that. If you aren't a part of the lessons (like I am with the piano lessons) and you aren't told what to look for or what corrections to make etc it can cause a LOT of tension if you step in to correct. I am not a part of horn lessons and I don't step in unless I am explicitly asked to do so.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is to meet her halfway.

[SKL]

To tell the truth, I don't make my kids practice.  :P  I probably should make them practice TKD, but I don't.  I think young kids are more motivated if they're doing it because they want to, not because they "should."  I'm sure this is the minority view, though....

[SKL]

Here's an idea.  You could go to a place where there is nothing to do but practice dance, and make her be there for a half hour twice a week.  Chances are she will practice dance if she has no other options.

 

What about playing some music videos that would go with the dance moves she's supposed to practice?

[JumpyTheFrog]

It sounds like you need to work on making this a habit. Dance practice needs to be tied to something that gets done every day. I would work on it a habit by requiring her to do it before or after eating lunch, taking a shower, or some other daily event that is already automatic. In any case, don't make twenty minutes the goal at first. Make two minutes, done every day the goal. Perhaps you two can stretch together or have her play teacher. Once the habit has started to become automatic, you can up the time by a minute or two until she's finally practicing enough.

 

Also, does she have specific goals for practice? Maybe she doesn't know what she needs to work on. I spent months talking to Tigger (age 8) on the way to and from gymnastics. On the way to practice, I'd ask him what specific goals he had. At first he would say he didn't know and I'd have to prod him. After a few weeks, he'd say something vague like "I want to get better at rings" and I'd have to prod him to mention a specific move that needed work. Eventually I was able to ask him what his goals were and he'd say "I want to keep my legs together on _______." 

 

On the way home from practice, I'd ask him what he did the best at, what needs the most work, and what he improved the most on. If he didn't know, I'd mention some things I noticed from that day's practice. After maybe 3-4 months of all this, he started mentally setting goals before I even asked him, perhaps not every day, but at least sometimes. I knew we reached this point when I'd asked what his goals were and he answered that he had already set them and rattled them off. Now I only ask maybe a third of the time. I am very glad I used the car ride as a cue for him to mentally prepare for practice or review the day's work. It's a useful habit that I hope will eventually carry over to other areas of his life.

[redsquirrel]

It sounds like you need to work on making this a habit. Dance practice needs to be tied to something that gets done every day. I would work on it a habit by requiring her to do it before or after eating lunch, taking a shower, or some other daily event that is already automatic. In any case, don't make twenty minutes the goal at first. Make two minutes, done every day the goal. Perhaps you two can stretch together or have her play teacher. Once the habit has started to become automatic, you can up the time by a minute or two until she's finally practicing enough.

 

Also, does she have specific goals for practice? Maybe she doesn't know what she needs to work on. I spent months talking to Tigger (age 8) on the way to and from gymnastics. On the way to practice, I'd ask him what specific goals he had. At first he would say he didn't know and I'd have to prod him. After a few weeks, he'd say something vague like "I want to get better at rings" and I'd have to prod him to mention a specific move that needed work. Eventually I was able to ask him what his goals were and he'd say "I want to keep my legs together on _______." 

 

On the way home from practice, I'd ask him what he did the best at, what needs the most work, and what he improved the most on. If he didn't know, I'd mention some things I noticed from that day's practice. After maybe 3-4 months of all this, he started mentally setting goals before I even asked him, perhaps not every day, but at least sometimes. I knew we reached this point when I'd asked what his goals were and he answered that he had already set them and rattled them off. Now I only ask maybe a third of the time. I am very glad I used the car ride as a cue for him to mentally prepare for practice or review the day's work. It's a useful habit that I hope will eventually carry over to other areas of his life.

 

This is an important point.

 

Does your teacher send her home with a list or something that she should be practicing? If not, you can also ask the teacher to tell the both of you what practice should look like. All three teachers (horn, piano and voice) have spent time explaining exactly how practice should happen. I didn't ask for it, they all do it on an ongoing fashion. It changes as the kids get older. Each boy has a notebook that goes with them to every lesson and it has practice instructions. They look at that before the practice. My younger son's trumpet teacher also has him pick two things that he wants to work on for the week. It can be something really basic. It is whatever he chooses.

 

If I am not present for a practice, so horn and voice lessons, I always ask how the lesson went and what the goals are for the week's practice. At least I know it is in their brains that way.

 

 

[trulycrabby]

Are there any fun dvds she could practice too? Or, you could make your own practice videos starring your daughter. If it's possible to do so, post them on youtube so that only friends and family could see them, to protect her privacy.

[bolt.]

I don't involve myself in "how well" a child is going at recreational activities. To me, they are for fun and fitness, and I'm happy to pay for a lesson that accomplishes those goals. I don't care if they do well or poorly; if they advance quickly, slowly or not at all; if they are talented or challenged; or anything... So practicing or not practicing would not be something I care about.

 

They need to... 1. Be active and engaged during the activity, 2. Treat the instructor / coach with due respect, and 3. Enjoy themselves during the time.

 

Other than that, I have no investment whatsoever in the activity.

[itsheresomewhere]

If this a for fun activity, I would not make her practice. 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

I should add that my son competes in gymnastics. When he was only doing rec classes, I helped him practice his handstands at home, but nothing else. Around the time he decided to compete is when I became began coaching him about goal setting for practice. It's an expensive sport to goof around in. I don't expect him to win, but I do expect him to work hard and improve. He loves it, though, so I probably sound more pushy than I am. One or two of his teammates don't seem to be improving much and I think it makes it less fun for them.

[Anne]

One of my dds was a highland dancer.  A lot of this depends on your goals for this activity.  If it is just for fun & recreation, I'd leave it alone and let her do whatever she wants...or doesn't want...    OTOH, if she's getting private lessons (as opposed to just group classes), that may represent a level of investment for you that warrants more investment from her.  I would never have paid for private lessons for my daughter if she didn't practice - group lessons, yes - private, no.   My dd did not begin having private lessons until after she had demonstrated that she was pretty serious about dancing.

 

Does she compete?  If she wants to compete, that may provide more inspiration to practice.

 

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with participating in dance without practicing as long as everybody is clear that this is a recreational just-for-fun activity!!

 

Anne

 

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't involve myself in "how well" a child is going at recreational activities. To me, they are for fun and fitness, and I'm happy to pay for a lesson that accomplishes those goals. I don't care if they do well or poorly; if they advance quickly, slowly or not at all; if they are talented or challenged; or anything... So practicing or not practicing would not be something I care about.

 

They need to... 1. Be active and engaged during the activity, 2. Treat the instructor / coach with due respect, and 3. Enjoy themselves during the time.

 

Other than that, I have no investment whatsoever in the activity.

 

This is how I feel about it. However, I would also talk with the teacher about it and about whatever consequences not practicing might have, if any. If this is a dance team oriented toward competitions and her not practicing is holding the whole team back, then I'd ask the teacher to speak with her about practicing and getting cut from the team/class if she doesn't improve her skills. Or if the teacher is having to constantly stop to work with your DD because the rest of the class is outpacing her, that's not OK, IMO.

 

But if the teacher isn't concerned, then yes, I view extracurriculars as fun, enrichment, and fitness. I would hate to kill her enjoyment of the dancing by making it "work" when it's not a necessity. I've been on the edge of doing that with my oldest DD's drawing and creative writing, and I know that the more I push it, the further she pulls back. I don't want that.

[KungFuPanda]

 

It's a struggle for me to dance alone. I LOVE to dance. I'm in two troupes. I teach 5 classes a week and take two. I'm just not motivated to practice alone until a big show is looming on the horizon and I feel that panic. I KNOW this about myself. It's WHY I take two classes a week when many of my teacher-peers have moved on to only teaching and taking occasional master classes. It's just a social art for me. I don't have the heart of a soloist. I work SO hard in class, but it's really like pulling my own teeth to dance alone. Dance is my joy, exercise, and therapy . . . it's not a matter of dedication . . . I just get energized around other dancers.

 

In your daughter's case, having a friend over for rehearsal may be all the motivation she needs. A big mirror helps too :-)

[Beth in OH]

My kids are musicians, not dancers;  our goals for music included working on something challenging over a long period of time to develop discipline and skill.  I was a mom who coached them through daily practice.  I let them borrow my discipline until they were old enough to develop their own. 

 

Activities for recreation were solely up to the kids.

[catz]

If the practice were not happening, and the teacher considered that mandatory, I would not continue. I won't pay for activities that we aren't getting the full benefit from. Especially something like private lessons. I will say, my dd dances 4 nights a week and her teachers do not want ballet practiced at home with bad form. She might be asked to do something specific at home now and again, but she doesn't regularly practice at home.

 

That said, if my dd weren't dancing 4 nights a week, I would feel obligated to make sure she was doing something to count towards PE at least a few times a week. So I don't necessarily consider it entirely recreational here. I will also say, my kids are quite a bit happier and have the ability to focus better when they have physically activities going on in their lives. Not to mention there is teamwork and other good lessons involved.

 

My kids also do music lessons. Practice is mandatory here 6 days a week. I still help my 9 year old through practices, and if I didn't schedule it into my 13 year old's homeschooling day, it would not happen. I prioritize it and try to make it fun and help them build a habit.

 

So, if YOU as a parent see the value of the activity as rounding out your child's education, I would teach her to practice and make it a priority in your schedule 3X a week. If this is purely recreational, and you could care less if she continues, I'd give her a warning and follow through if she doesn't learn to practice on her own. I do think there are plenty of kids that don't have the discipline or self motivation to practice without encouragement until older.

[kroe1]

Dd13 is on a "rogue" competition team. (My definition of "rogue" is a highly competitive team coming from a dance school that only cares about winning lots of regional and national competitions.) She does all genres but pointe. The only practice she does at home is stretching and muscle strengthening exercises.

 

So my question is what exactly does your DD's teacher expect to be done at home? With highland dancing there seems to be a need for ankle strengthening, but I cannot see what else. It is not like jazz and ballet where legs are extended into unmentionable positions or hip hop that requires complex acrobatics and thigh muscles. Can you just help her with some stretches and call it a day? Or can you learn with her by letting her be your teacher 3x/week?

 

I agree with the others that if she doesn't comply with the teacher's requests, then there needs to be a consequence, whatever you deem that to be. But, I would think practicing a routine alone in a bedroom would not be fun, especially for a social 9 y.o.

[catz]

I was also going to add, practicing a shorter time 5-6X a week on something here is easier than trying to practice longer for 3X a week. With that level of consistency, it just becomes habit, like doing math or brushing teeth. If we aren't consistent, it's becomes much more of a chore to get around to practicing.

[Amy in NH]

Schedule it into her school day, starting with 10 minutes per day and working up to 20-30.  That's what we do with piano and it works well for us.

[trlt]

My dd is also in Highland.  To answer the pp's question...for Highland you have to practice the dances to perfect them for competition.  It's not like other types of dance (my dd also takes ballet). 

 

I would definitely encourage her to practice if she is competing.  My dd practices a lot.  It wasn't always that way.  We had to make it part of her routine.  After many weeks of having to specifically remind her to practice she started doing it on her own.  If it's just for fun then I don't see why to push practicing. 

[Aurelia]

I agree with others that if she's taking private lessons, she needs to practice. That's a cost I wouldn't be willing to pay for that unless DD puts forth the effort, especially since it's required by the teacher. My DD takes guitar lessons and is required to practice 30 minutes to an hour daily. Her teacher will not continue to teach her if she doesn't practice. (It's a family friend, and isn't charging, but still, I think it's fairly reasonable. He expects her to really want to learn to play, and put forth the effort, or he will stop and spend his free time however he wants.) She knows this, and practices diligently. When she was younger, she took Irish dance, and her teacher expected her to practice. I had to be right there with her or it wouldn't get done. When she decided she didn't want to practice anymore, we took her out of that class. Give her another chance to practice, and if she still refuses or has a consistently nasty attitude about it, drop the class. You can sign her up again when she decides she is willing to put forth the effort. 

[NASDAQ]

I did highland dance and lots of kids didn't practice regularly. I definitely didn't practice in the beginning. The kids advanced and ended up at the premier level all the same. Of course, when you're very competitive you're probably taking more than one lesson a week, and you're probably practicing more often, if you have a competitive bent.

 

I insist on practice for music but I wouldn't make them practice dance or karate or those sorts of recreational activities.

[tabinfl]

My kds (still young) became much more kotivated to practice after seeing/hearing their piano teacher (our church organist) practicing -- and even making mistakes -- a few times. I could see the little light bulbs pop on over their heads, especially my elder daughter who'd get very frustrated when she couldn't just play her pie es perfectly the first or second time through.

 

Any chance it would help motivate her to see more advanced dancers practice, and what it does for them

[aggieamy]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

To answer a few questions - Yes, she is taking private lessons and her teacher expects her to practice.  If she doesn't practice then it's kind of a waste of time for the teacher who has to redo last weeks lesson because it was all forgotten.  That is not fair to her!

 

I really like the idea of doing it everyday.  Then there's no arguing of "I'll practice tomorrow!".  Everyday for ten minutes and then we can work from there.  It's possible with just ten minutes a day she'll make enough improvement that it will be sufficient until she develops the inner motivation to push herself.  A gal can hope anyway!

[bolt.]

If she doesn't practice then it's kind of a waste of time for the teacher who has to redo last weeks lesson because it was all forgotten. That is not fair to her!

I don't understand how a lesson would be unfair to the teacher, or a waste if time for the student, just because int involved plenty of review.

 

It's fair to the teacher to pay her for her time. If this is her profession, I think she probably teaches the exact same material thousands of times -- teaching it more than once to a single student is not exactly a hardship or an injustice.

 

It's also not a "waste" for the student: if she is active and enjoying herself, I think it's kind of like a funny thing: getting more and more fun every week out of the exact same lesson plan... Not fabulous, but no big deal. (Are you actually sure that your dd would retain nothing at all from each lesson if she didn't practice in between? Most children do pick up skills from weekly activities -- is it particularly challenging stuff?)

[Ellie]

DD has been taking Highlands dance for about a year and loves it.  She has the greatest teacher who gives her private lesson and who DD adores.  There's a group of girls who also do dance that she enjoys hanging out with.  She loves the kilt and learning the dances.  No problems there.  

 

She won't practice.  I consider what she's being asked to do by her teacher very reasonable - an hour of practice a week.  Basically about 20 minutes, three times a week.  We have tried letting her decide when she does it and doing it as much as she wants.  She does nothing.  We have tried reminding her.  She has a crabby attitude about it.  

 

Right now our system is three days a week we remind her but it's like pulling teeth.  There is much wailing and unhappiness.  I'm at my wits end.  It's unfair for her teacher to send DD to class without practicing because she won't improve and the teacher will be wasting her time.  We have sat down with DD and made sure she really wants to do dance since she shows zero interest in practicing outside of class.  She was heartbroken at the suggestion of giving it up.  Ugh.

 

Anyone else with a kid like this?  How do you handle it?  I'm out of ideas and frustrated.  

 

My younger dd did Highland dance for nine years. Once she reached premier level, I required her to practice every day. Yes, she cried...but she did it, because she really did love it and wanted to do well. (When she was 11ish, I let her add ballet, thinking it would help the Highland. Ballet sucked out out of Highland, lol, but it's all good, because she loves ballet and has taught for several years now.)

 

OTOH, my older dd danced only for a year or two, and her teacher called and suggested that possibly Highland was not her favorite thing to do and that we should let her quit. We did, and we all lived happily ever after.

 

If your dd wants to continue with Highland, and you're paying for private lessons, then yes, require her to practice. If she won't practice, then drop it. Highland dance is competitive. There's no point in paying for classes and costumes and entrance fees and the whole thing if she won't practice.