So tired of being 'in between' and not fitting in anywhere.....

[Berta]

Oh honey bun. I hear you.

 

We are Anglicans posing as Baptists.

 

Our small Anglican parish closed in May and we found our local protestant liturgical church options generally aloof. So for now, my head is in the sand regarding doctrine while we cherish the warm fellowship and occasional nods to the church calendar offered by our small mid city Baptist congregation.

 

Oh my gosh. We are Baptists. Still processing that one, apparently!

 

I also live in the Deep South and have an inclination toward immediate aversion to all things culturally rote. Football, what your mama said, how evil Common Core is, how God _________. (Insert most anything that isn't clearly defined by Scripture/Creeds). I don't have answers to those questions and generally don't find a strong sense of comradery with those who do.

 

I feel as though I should say nothing more. My claim of "loner" seems far too well founded at this point. :).

 

You are not alone, and I wish other homeschoolers with a healthy sense of skepticism would out themselves. (In real life). Perhaps this has nothing to do with it, but some of my dearest friends are Catholic -- on issues that don't confront doctrine, they are happy to say, "I don't know--let's call it mystery."

 

Thank God for mystery and for friends who say "I don't know." I need more of THOSE people in my very linear orthodox set. ;)

 

Stella

 

I was writing my post across the evening as others posted. Totally agree with befriending the snubbed Catholics!

 

OMG this is me!

 

We are also Anglican and posing as Baptists. lol.. We moved from the North East to the deep South and the closest Episcopalian Church is half hour away. We live very rural and my kids attend a Baptist church around the corner. My kids consider themselves Baptist, although my older daughter was baptized Catholic and younger daughter baptized Episcopal. My DH is non-practicing Catholic (It's at least an hour to the closest Catholic church).

 

There is ONE co-op in the area and they require a SOF, which I won't sign, even if I believe 100% with it. We get asked all the time which church we attend, and my kids will answer the Baptist church. We are members of the Episcopal church, but my kids don't like it and we haven't attended services there in over 2  yrs. They have very little for kids and the Baptist church has tons for them. My daughter takes homeschool karate classes and the other kids in class are kids of Pastors. I really feel that we just don't fit in anywhere.

[North Coast School]

If you have a bit of a google, you can find a ton of information and theories about the pagan origins of Lent (some of it quite convincing and some much less so). Lent has apparently been celebrated in honor or Osiris, Odin, the sun and quite a few other deities around the world, before being amalgamated into the Judeo-Christian tradition along with Easter proper.

 

All quite interesting. But, of course, there's still no justification for the OP to be subjected to stupid comments.

 

If I have a bit of a google, I can also find out that the moon landing didn't happen, that the aliens are coming for us soon, and that JFK was killed by friends of Joe Dimaggio.  Google does not equal reason or truth.

 

I think that was your point, but it needs to be stated.

[G5052]

 

There is ONE co-op in the area and they require a SOF, which I won't sign, even if I believe 100% with it. We get asked all the time which church we attend, and my kids will answer the Baptist church. We are members of the Episcopal church, but my kids don't like it and we haven't attended services there in over 2  yrs. They have very little for kids and the Baptist church has tons for them. My daughter takes homeschool karate classes and the other kids in class are kids of Pastors. I really feel that we just don't fit in anywhere.

 

The SOF is a sore issue for me.  If it is general or acknowledges that some details aren't important, I'm good.  But if I have to sign something with 20+ points, it is highly likely that I won't.  I can't believe that everyone that signs something that long is actually in full agreement with it unless it is a church statement of faith that they've already signed as a condition of membership (I don't like that either).  

 

We actually left a group because they went from general to very specific.  People were calling me wanting to know why we wouldn't sign because "I thought you were one of us."  I told them that it wasn't any of their business.  If I can't sign, I'm out.  Some even called me a year later to see if we had changed our mind.  Nope, and none of your business why.  I had to repeatedly set boundaries.

 

Oh well.  Isn't life interesting?  I've also dealt with the "working women are evil" among homeschooling parents.  Big flag that people who say that are to be avoided, and that groups of that bent aren't my type.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm Lutheran, too.  It's a bit isolating.  But GREAT!

[Mommyfaithe]

I'm sorry. I know *exactly* how you feel.

Me too! You are not alone.

[SunnyDays]

Oh honey, I could have written the OP. Also Lutheran here (who knew *that* was so out there, huh?!?). We don't have a ton of homeschoolers in our area anyway, but the few we do have split into two camps: very conservative Christians, for whom I'm not quite the right kind of Christian to hang out with them, or the radical unschoolers, who, not to paint with too broad a brush, overall tend to be as suspicious of Christians as they are of classical education. :D

 

There are a couple groups of each in the area and that's really about it. So yes, homeschooling has been rather isolating for us. I have a couple homeschooling friends, and a few friends who are public or private school families. We are likely sending DS back next year, and we've looked at an evangelical Protestant Christian school, a Catholic school, and a public school. None are "just right".... Sometimes I feel like Goldilocks, LOL.

 

Just know you are not alone... I also find it sad that people are so focused on either statements of faith or some other boundary that they can't see the forest for the trees. :grouphug:

[HSmomof2]

It's been so interesting to hear all of your experiences.....if only we all lived near each other, we'd have a great homeschool group! :-)

[Rosie_0801]

Right here you have two families to befriend. They must feel even worse than you do. Call them and head off to a museum. Don't worry if the kids aren't the same ages.

 

Too right. One of our homeschool groups currently consists of a fairly modest dressing atheist pagan, an abaya wearing Muslim and a booby top wearing Pom. It can work. :D

[rainbird2]

OK, Lutherans, you all are making me sad.  Well, maybe not you all, but the people treating you less than ideal.  My husband and are are about to leave our church (this is so hard!) and perhaps start attending a Lutheran church in our neighborhood!  He grew up Lutheran, but I know nothing about the Lutheran faith.  Is this what is in store for us?

 

Guess I'm somewhat of a newbie in my Christian walk, but are Christians really fighting like this?  Why, oh why?  (I know why...because we are HUMANS.)

 

God bless you, OP, and know that you are loved by the other square pegs trying to fit into this round hole of a world.

[Mommyfaithe]

Too right. One of our homeschool groups currently consists of a fairly modest dressing atheist pagan, an abaya wearing Muslim and a booby top wearing Pom. It can work. :D

I am coming to live by you!! I will fit right in as a Born again Messianic Christian wearing running clothes...always! Never know when a great run might strike!

[Rosie_0801]

I am coming to live by you!! I will fit right in as a Born again Messianic Christian wearing running clothes...always! Never know when a great run might strike!

 

Splendid! How do you feel about rural life without enough solar panels? I have a small boy who needs chasing, and if you like running, you sound like our new best friend!

[...................]

I had a new friend coming over and actually considered hiding my NOT young earth creation book that was on the top of the shelf.  I know my new friend would be the kind to learn, discuss and dialogue and not put barriers over something like that.

 

But the fact that it even crossed my mind made me go, "huh?"  (Not about her...about me!  and about homeschool moms in general)

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm a tough theological, social and political fit. 

Theologically I'm a Calvinist on election (5 point TULIP waver myself) but not on covenant theology or dominion theology, so that wipes out a bunch of one branch of conservative Christians. I lean heavily dispensationalist when it come to OT vs. NT.   I'm also OE about creation.  So, that wipes about another bunch of conservative Christians. 

Add to that my husband abandoned his faith 9 years ago, so I'm the last family homeschool conventions and most churches are geared to deal with.  Everyone assumes a couple is in the same in faith if they were when they married.  Mixed marriages are not something most conservative Christians can imagine, much less have anything supportive or useful to say. When I mean mixed I don't mean one who came to faith after getting married and one who didn't.  Not that they have anything useful for that common scenario. The fact that one who was incredibly well studied in theology (at seminary) lived it and then left it is something they can't quite grasp.

Politically I'm a Libertarian even though I live a VERY socially conservative lifestyle out of personal conviction.

 

I hang out with a group that has a a former Mormon and her sister, a Mormon at our art class.  I also hang out with a few people from my church who are a little more like me. 

 

Our homeschool PE group has a huge range of versions of Christianity-everything thing from very fundamentalist/charismatic/ evangelical types, to Mormons and a few mainstream Protestants and a Catholic or two. None of the secular people have identified themselves yet-there are probably a few there. The funniest part is-almost all of the fundamentalist/charismatic/evangelical types (which technically I'd put myself in doctrinally) have NO IDEA other homeschoolers there aren't like them.  I listen to them talk to each other and they're completely clueless.
 

[IsabelC]

Theologically I'm a Calvinist on election (5 point TULIP waver myself) but not on covenant theology or dominion theology, so that wipes out a bunch of one branch of conservative Christians. I lean heavily dispensationalist when it come to OT vs. NT.   I'm also OE about creation.  So, that wipes about another bunch of conservative Christians. 

 

 

Am I a misfit if I didn't totally understand all that? Seriously, tulip waver? That's a thing? (Note, I'm laughing at my ignorance of calvinism, not your theology.)

[milovany]

I have come and gone from lurking in this thread and have also not found the words to post (as Patty Joanna similarly described).  But something she said is what has been bubbling up in my thoughts -- I think nearly everyone feels this way. In a society where individualism is king, and forging your own path common (especially, perhaps, with religious convictions), where developing a sense of community and letting that community define you (instead of you defining it) is waning across the societal plane, this seems to be a natural result.  These have been some thoughts of mine, anyway, as we've gone through this "alone" feeling in the past. I think of our own history -- we felt responsible for determining what our personal understanding was concerning things of faith (using that example since that was the context of both this thread and our personal journey in regard to this alone feeling), and so developed strong personal convictions. We held to those convictions because we saw them as "right," and yet we realized that others didn't necessarily share those same convictions.  So we felt separated from others in some sense, and therefore "alone" (or "in between" as you described it).  The others, likely, had done the same thing so they saw themselves as alone/separate, too. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

I haven't read through the whole post, so I apologize if this has already been suggested.

Have you looked into a Catholic co-op? While our co-op (the several Catholic co-ops here in the baptist bible belt) generally require you be a practicing Roman Catholic, they DO absolutely make exceptions (I know we've had an Orthodox member or two, if I remember correctly).

We had the same experience when we started out. The Catholic co-ops aren't really advertised and I couldn't sign the SOF for any of the other co-ops; all pretty fundamentalist protestant.

[Alice]

Too right. One of our homeschool groups currently consists of a fairly modest dressing atheist pagan, an abaya wearing Muslim and a booby top wearing Pom. It can work. :D

 

Ok, am I the only one wondering what the heck a "booby top wearing Pom" is? :)

 

So sorry OP for your sadness. I had two reactions to your post. One is that it is really sad that people tend to judge each other in this way. As a Christian, I would say it seems especially sad to me that Christians tend to be the worst offenders. I actually think part of the problem is that we no longer know how to disagree with people. We either tend to be of the "what you believe is ok for you but not for me" stance which means I don't really feel that strongly about what I believe.  Or we tend to be of the "my way is the only way and if you don't agree not only are you wrong but something about you is flawed and therefore I must avoid you" stance. 

 

Here's an example: in college I was staunchly pro-life, my roommate and best friend was staunchly pro-choice and president of a women's leadership organization. I didn't think "well, abortion is ok if it's you but not for me" but I also didn't think "you are evil because you believe in abortion". I thought she was wrong but that there was a lot more about her than that one belief. Neither of us thought it was a big deal really until we were asked to meet with a prominent woman speaker visiting the campus. Reason? We were held up as an example of how the "two sides" could get along. She kept asking us questions about how we managed to overcome this huge obstacle in our friendship and seemed really disappointed when our answers were along the lines of "Well, we don't really talk about it much. We talk about other stuff like books and music and movies and boys. And when it comes up we just agree to disagree." 

 

My other reaction was similar to Patty Joanna and Milovany, I think that most people feel like this in some way. I'm lucky enough to be part of a co-op that is fairly inclusive it is Christian so not completely inclusive but there are many different denominations and types of homeschoolers. Just last week I had a great conversation about Lent with some Catholic friends. I told them how I'd always thought Protestants really miss the boat on Lent and the liturgical year. And we talked about that and some things they think that Protestants do better than Catholics. And I really have no idea if the people in the co-op are unschoolers or classical or rigorous or not or what. So that's good. But I often feel like an outsider because I work outside the home. And then at work I feel like the "weird homeschooler". I'm not sure it helps though to say that we all feel that way, except maybe to make you feel less weird. :) In real life, it can be so lonely to feel like the outsider. I hope you can find a few other friends to be your "people". We all need community, which may be why people try so hard to put themselves and those around them into boxes. It's an easy way to feel like you fit in even if it leaves others out. 

[ktgrok]

I wouldn't necessarily rule a secular group out until you've seen the range of who is in it. The group I'm in is a secular, inclusive one, and I'd say about half of us fit what you've described-academic homeschoolers with a traditional Christian faith tradition who don't fit into the Christian groups for doctrinal reasons (like not being YEC, practicing a liturgical year, believing in infant baptism instead of believer's baptism and so on), plus a few Moslem and Jewish mothers who are there for similar reasons. There are also a handful of unschoolers, a bunch of relaxed eclectic folks who tend to be more "unschooly" when their DC are younger, but to move more academic as their DC get older, a few pagans, a few agnostics.

 

I can think of a few very vocal members of the group that, if you met them, would probably lead you to assume this isn't the group for you, but you'd probably be pretty compatible with at least a few of us.

Yes, I'm also "in between", and do not fit in with the Conservative Christians. I've found a home with the secular ones. We joke that I'm the token Christian :)

 

I'm the most academic, but whatever. I can deal with schooling differences if everyone is open and nice. 

[G5052]

 

What is the Number One question we ask people we have just met?  It's one of these:

-What do you do?

-Where do you live?

-What church do you go to?

 

...or something along the lines of these things that lets us categorize people and put them in boxes.  STOP asking these questions.  Seriously.  It is FREEING!  And it is HARD at first. 

 

 

Yes, I decided to drop those questions some years back myself because I hate answering them.  I guess because some of my answers get negative reactions.

 

Better questions like these...

 

What brings you to this event?

How long have you lived in this area?

What do you do in your spare time?

[TianXiaXueXiao]

This is mostly just a PMS-induced vent, but has become increasingly difficult to deal with as I always feel so out of place and lonely. We are Christians (Lutheran) but do not seem to fit in well with the general population of Christian homeschoolers because we're not the 'right' kind of Christians (was just chastised by someone about observing Lent; we believe in infant baptism and that Communion is not just symbolic; we absolutely believe in Creation, but not 'necessarily' the young earth view...these are just a few of the most recent differences I've experienced). We also live in an area that seems to be very polarized in homeschool communities---on one side are the very liberal, radical unschooling, non-Christian (to the point of being anti-Christian) groups. Then there are the extremely fundamentalist Christian groups. In seven years of homeschooling, I have not found an 'in between' group--and not for lack of trying. We obviously don't fit in either, and IME, neither is very accepting of any differences outside their own views. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe sending dc to school would be a better fit for us socially.....I'm thinking maybe all the moderate people send their kids to school, with only those on the extremes homeschooling in this area. I'd just so much like to find some like-minded people to hang out with. :-)

 

ETA: I'm not at all pushy or argumentative that my beliefs are correct. I go about my own business quietly, and usually never even admit where we go to church unless directly asked. :-) I'd just like to be accepted in a group, and not feel we have to agree on everything. I'd be happy if we had homeschooling in common and just left everything else out.

We have the exact same challenge with not fitting in. Too conservative for the non-religious and non-Christian home schoolers and not the right kind of Christian for the local Christian home school group. We are Orthodox and the only other homeschool friends we have are Catholic. When I asked to join the local yahoo group for Christian hsers they denied my request. Boo.

[AimeeM]

We have the exact same challenge with not fitting in. Too conservative for the non-religious and non-Christian home schoolers and not the right kind of Christian for the local Christian home school group. We are Orthodox and the only other homeschool friends we have are Catholic. When I asked to join the local yahoo group for Christian hsers they denied my request. Boo.

 

Do your Catholic homeschool friends have a co-op? Our Catholic co-ops have been known to accept Orthodox members.

[Rosie_0801]

Ok, am I the only one wondering what the heck a "booby top wearing Pom" is? :)

 

 

Pom is Australian slang for a Brit. Booby tops show cleavage!

[Alice]

Pom is Australian slang for a Brit. Booby tops show cleavage!

 

Well, there's my "learn something new everyday" thing for the day. :) Reminds me of my daughter who calls bras "booby wrappers". 

[ScoutTN]

No wisdom to offer, just empathy.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

Sorry none of us are there to go to the park with you and your kids!

 

I do think that most of us often feel alone or like we don't fit in. I think some of that is American culture, some life in a postmodern society, some the nature of homeschooling and some just plain life in a fallen world - the nature of Sin is to isolate and destroy relationships and communities. 

 

FWIW, I am Presbyterian, not Lutheran, but we do Lent, baptize infants, believe that Christ's presence in the Supper is not merely symbolic and are up in the air on the age of the earth (and are not convinced that it is really that important!) You are not alone on this board anyway! 

 

Call those other moms and plan something together! You never know where a great friend may be!

[Mommyfaithe]

Splendid! How do you feel about rural life without enough solar panels? I have a small boy who needs chasing, and if you like running, you sound like our new best friend!

Sounds like home. <3

[TianXiaXueXiao]

Do your Catholic homeschool friends have a co-op? Our Catholic co-ops have been known to accept Orthodox members.

 

No, they don't have a co-op. We live in a fairly rural and isolated region. The nearest Catholic or Orthodox co-ops are a good 3-4 hour drive. We are the only family in our small EO parish who home school and my friend is the only one in her larger Catholic parish who home schools. My 10 yo dd does attend the Catholic youth group, though, since we don't have a youth group at our church. :)

[IsabelC]

I have come and gone from lurking in this thread and have also not found the words to post (as Patty Joanna similarly described).  But something she said is what has been bubbling up in my thoughts -- I think nearly everyone feels this way. In a society where individualism is king, and forging your own path common (especially, perhaps, with religious convictions), where developing a sense of community and letting that community define you (instead of you defining it) is waning across the societal plane, this seems to be a natural result.  These have been some thoughts of mine, anyway, as we've gone through this "alone" feeling in the past. I think of our own history -- we felt responsible for determining what our personal understanding was concerning things of faith (using that example since that was the context of both this thread and our personal journey in regard to this alone feeling), and so developed strong personal convictions. We held to those convictions because we saw them as "right," and yet we realized that others didn't necessarily share those same convictions.  So we felt separated from others in some sense, and therefore "alone" (or "in between" as you described it).  The others, likely, had done the same thing so they saw themselves as alone/separate, too. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I think this sounds very true. Obviously nearly everything as pros and cons. Privileging individuals over communities has given us more choices and more freedom but made it harder to access the benefits of a tight-knit community. I also suspect that it's hard to go back from where we are now. When people try, the individualism tends to break through - just look at the 'break-up' rates for people who start intentional communities of various sorts. 

[tabinfl]

No help for you here either, but maybe a ray of hope...

 

I'm another misfit as a Presbyterian (PCUSA). We're fortunate to have plenty of homeschool groups and co-ops in our area, but most of them are very conservative, fundamentalist Christian. We tried one of the more open ones, but i decided I didn't want my kids to hear (as I did in the parents' lounge) that our church isn't really Christian for one reason or another. Right now we mostly hang out with the crunchy secular/inclusive co-op. The people are way less judgmental about religion, but make up for it with unschooling, (anti-)vaccination (I very nearly quit last year when my immune-compromised self heard a group talking about having a chicken pox party), alternative medicine, and so on.

 

Surprisingly, though, I have managed to find a couple of friends who are very much like me, just by taking the time to talk & get to know people. It turns out that both of these co-ops (and probably the other groups as well) do have others who don't fit the mold, but just like me they're hesitant to speak up about it around others. I found one kindred spirit after two years in the same co-op, numerous social events, and a fcouple of acebook groups -- our playdate conversation finally turned to the thorny topics and we founf that we had a lot in common. Another friend I met by pure chance at an unaffiliated homeschool event put on by an outside group, but then discovered that we have several mutual friends.

 

So don't give up hope! If there are this many oddballs in this forum, there are likely many more out there who are trying just as hard as we are to fit in. Bite the bullet and join up with some groups or events, keep your eyes open for hints that people may not be as conforming to the group as others, and make an effort to get to know them better!

 

i also make sure we spend plenty of time with our non-homeschooling friends -- from church, scouts, and other activities (non-homeschool-specific) that draw a less polarized crowd.

[KungFuPanda]

But you DO fit in! Being a misfit is VERY popular right now :-)

[HS Mom in NC]

Am I a misfit if I didn't totally understand all that? Seriously, tulip waver? That's a thing? (Note, I'm laughing at my ignorance of calvinism, not your theology.)

 

TULIP is an acronym for certain Calvinist teachings on election.  Around here some of us joke about being tulip wavers.  Sorry, I shouldn't have used an inside joke with such diverse group who might not be familiar with those terms.

[laundrycrisis]

I've reached a point where I do not care to be close to anyone who sees 1) religious views, 2) political views or 3) educational choices, including a person's approach to home education, to be valid reasons for exclusion or division.   Because I don't think I've ever met a single person who I line up with on all three of these things - ever.  So I really need to just associate with those who have a live and let live, inclusive and respectful attitude - people who would rather find common ground to build friendships on than look for reasons to build fences.  

[HollyDay]

BTDT. 

 

Before we moved I was considered quite liberal and often excluded because of it.  I wear pants and makeup (gasp) and sleeveless tops and shorts in the summer. I swim and wear a bathing suit (oh my!) when in the pool.   I teach higher math to my dds and encourage them toward higher education (post high school).  Probably worst of all.....I listen to secular music.  Lets not mention Pearl Jam :)  I discussed politics and actually vote! Oldest dd played sports (gasp!). 

 

We moved to a different state almost 3 years ago.  Now, I'm considered too conservative and am often excluded because of it.   I moved with the same clothes, same books, same music preferences, same hopes and dreams.  Nothing about me changed but my address. 

 

Most homeschoolers here don't know that much about me really.  They see Life is Good tshirts/jean/tennis shoes and think I'm overly modest.  Really, my back hurts so I wear good quality running shoes or danskos and comfortable clothes.   They see dds not playing sports and think it is a conservative issue when in reality one dd has a disability and the other now prefers horses and ice skating to basketball and soccer.  I've gotten labeled as ultra conservative based on how I look and the fact that I homeschool rather than anything about me.  We haven't participated in some activities due to financial constraints.  But, I have had someone say they thought it was because I must be too conservative to want to participate.  No, just couldn't afford the activity that month.

 

No one takes the time to find out why.  I'm not overtly anything.  I don't think anyone could look at me in Wally World and say...."Oh there goes a conservative....fill in the blank....."  They don't know my financial situation, marriage, upbringing, limitations, hopes, dreams, desires, political views, religious preferences.

 

 

[mommaduck]

Another lonely Orthodox. It's been a very, VERY lonely year. The Catholic homeschool group is Upstate. The other EO homeschooler on here is a two to three hour drive from me. Most of the inclusiveness is one hour (Charleston) to two/three hours (Columbia). I'm down here alone. I'm trying to find people for an inclusive meetup in my county. I have one interested and two non-responders. I was introduced in person to another homeschooler while I was in town and that lady basically said the obligatory hello and then cold shouldered me. I guess between the fact that I'm not related to everyone in town, go to the two "approved" town churches, and wear a headscarf makes me someone that's beneath their notice. Oh well. I don't really want my children around small minded, bigoted people anyhow.