My 6 yr old DD found and watched a hardcore porn video…WWYD

[umsami]

I never expected to deal with this with my daughter at 6…but...

today she was using my iPad…and apparently searched on sexy….and a really really raunchy hardcore video came up….and she watched it and didn't say anything.  Then when I opened up Safari, I saw that was the last thing anybody has seen…so found out the deal.

 

I had all these parental controls on the iPad, but when they updated my IOS, they must've gotten erased. I put most back, but forgot about website content ratings.  Ugh.

 

I think this has to do with earlier in the year, a few boys in her class told her she was sexy…and I asked her what that meant…and she said pretty. So, I think she was looking for sexy thinking it would be about being beautiful/fashion/etc.

 

I basically talked with her about porn…and how it's not generally appropriate for somebody her age…and asked her if there was anything she saw that she had question on…or wanted to ask.  She didn't say much except she's sorry.

 

 

Other than adding back in the controls, WWYD?  Oh, her 8 year old brother watched with her (I spoke with him as well), but both say that she is the one that searched and clicked on the video.

 

Would you do anything else? 

[ChristusG]

If it was accidental, I'd just put the parental controls back on and say nothing more about it.

[Mergath]

I'm assuming you explained the basics of sex when you talked to her, correct?  If not, I'd give her the talk so she's not confused or scared about what she saw.  Kids make weird connections if left to their own devices when it comes to that kind of stuff.  I'd probably also say something about how sex isn't really like that, and that it's a movie and isn't real, just like other movies aren't real.

 

Also, I'd probably mention that it's something for adults, and she shouldn't tell her friends about it, otherwise you might find yourself on the phone with some confused parents wondering why their kids came home talking about hardcore porn.

 

 

[Liz CA]

I think we can make it worse by appearing upset (even if we are) and the kids feel guilty. She may be sorry if she used your device without permission or did not ask before watching something but it is really not her fault that this material is available to children.

 

I second what Mergath said, calmly discuss that the images seen there are unreal and, worse demeaning. I suppose I would try to bring to her level of understanding that these images do not portray women in general but that women are presented as objects rather than human beings.

[Guest submarines]

I'd also talk to her and her brother about not watching anything that isn't familiar looking without asking you first. 

[bolt.]

I'd underplay it at that age: "Oh, that's not a good thing for kids to watch. It was probably confusing and weird eh? Well, it's nothing to worry about. There are all sorts of stupid {stupid is a strong word for us} movies on the internet. Don't search without mommy any more, OK? Anything could just pop up on the screen. That's why we need to do the internet as a team. Wanna search for a movie about baby elephants? That would be much better!"

 

(Then I'd have my very real, very intense, reaction about this in private -- of course. It's a big-feelings-for-Mama sort of event!)

[Sisyphus]

I would definitely explain what she saw, ie, watch the video and yes, probably have an uncomfortably early conversation on the mechanics of s3x. Because who knows what she might think is going on, you know? I'd I gain it would be really scary at 6.

 

To me (I don't mean this harshly) I would see this as a failure on my part to protect her from the video, not in any way hold her responsible for looking at it. She just searched a word. Not that you would, but just in case, she obviously at 6 isn't searching for p3rn on purpose.

 

Poor kid, and poor momma!

[Ravin]

I would also make sure they understand that the activities they saw were for grown-ups only.

[jelbe5]

I remember your thread re the boys at school. I would be concerned other things may have recently occurred at the school that would continue to fuel her "interest" in the word "sexy". What happened with the boys earlier in the school year was a while ago, now. I'm wondering why she might still be thinking of it to the point where she searched. That is why I would wonder if there has been additional, more recent events.

[Guest submarines]

I remember your thread re the boys at school. I would be concerned other things may have recently occurred at the school that would continue to fuel her "interest" in the word "sexy". What happened with the boys earlier in the school year was a while ago, now. I'm wondering why she might still be thinking of it to the point where she searched. That is why I would wonder if there has been additional, more recent events.

 

I was thinking the same. I remember that thread. Are you sure it was the first time she searched?

[kiwik]

What kind of kid calls a six year old sexy?

[clarkacademy]

I would make it very important that they not say anything to other kids and most likely would supervise play times for a while. When my oldest was very young a little boy at church got great joy out of drawing her pictures and telling her things. She was 5 and I was irate to say the least.

[whitestavern]

Interesting. My dd also searched the word sexy due to her friend being called that by boys at school. Thankfully the picture she clicked on was fairly tame though there was no doubt what was going on. I was proud that she came to me, told me what she had done, and asked for some additional information. We had the talk right then and there...fairly clinical, that this is how babies are created, it's for moms and dads, etc. I don't think I had a real grasp of the concept til I was 11ish.

[Guest submarines]

I'm sorry to post again, but I've been thinking about it.

 

I'd be a little bit concerned that *neither* of them told you. But that's depending on a child, though, and the dynamics between your two children and you. If she'd normally tell, but this time didn't, I'd be more attentive if something more wasn't going on with her. Or if she'd normally ask to doublecheck if a video is okay for her to watch, but didn't this time.

 

My DD5 might not think to doublecheck, but my DS9 would. My DS9 also seriously looks out for his 5 yo sister. There's no way he'd let her watch something that he thought wasn't appropriate for her. So the same thing happened to my two, I'd be more alarmed, because it would be so out of character for them.

[Aura]

What kind of kid calls a six year old sexy?

 

What kind of mom tells her 6 yr dd that she (dd) is sexy? No, don't automatically assume a terrible mom.

 

My SIL has done this. She is a sweet, involved mom, and this is reflected in her close relationship w/ her kids which are now teens. But either she just didn't think it through on this one or she viewed it differently. I tend to think she viewed it as being a cool or slangish way of saying stylish and pretty. So, without knowing any other details, I would not automatically assume that someone who calls a child sexy, really means sexually attractive.

 

If I had not been around to see the exchanges between my SIL and her dds, I would have probably freaked out when my MIL picked up on it and called my dd4 that. When we were alone, I gently asked her not to do that and explained how I viewed it. Poor MIL was rather embarrassed. English is not her first language, so I'm sure she was just copying what she perceived as a compliment. She hasn't said that since then.

 

Anyway, all that to say that just because one child calls another sexy doesn't mean there's anything sexual to it. It's one of those things that you would definitely have to take in context.

[Aura]

 I'm sorry this happened to your dd. I could see any of my kids doing this over something that was innocent curiosity. I need to double-check our safety settings, too.

[athomeontheprairie]

What kind of mom tells her 6 yr dd that she (dd) is sexy? No, don't automatically assume a terrible mom..

I don't think they were asking about Mom. But rather about other kids using the word, at 6. I think the question is, when did it become a normal though vocabulary word for 6 year olds? she isn't implying the OP is a bad mom ( and even forgetting to reset parental controls certainly does not make her one. At six you do not foresee this type of thing happening! )

 

To the OP, hugs.

[Guest submarines]

I don't think they were asking about Mom. But rather about other kids using the word, at 6. I think the question is, when did it become a normal though vocabulary word for 6 year olds? she isn't implying the OP is a bad mom ( and even forgetting to reset parental controls certainly does not make her one. At six you do not foresee this type of thing happening! )

 

To the OP, hugs.

 

I thought the PP suggested that a 6yo might call another child "sexy" if their mom calls them "sexy" or uses the word herself.

[Julie Smith]

I do know that sexy is becoming a common word that lots of little kids use. 

 

My cousin kids starting singing the chorus to, "If you think I'm sexy" at about age 4.  :glare:

 

[Joanne]

OP, such a graphic image(s) can impact the brain physiologically. Be on the look out for either child seeking more stimulation related to sexual feelings.

[Joanne]

OP, such a graphic image(s) can impact the brain physiologically. Be on the look out for either child seeking more stimulation related to sexual feelings.

[Scarlett]

I would like to comment on the word sexy.  I have never allowed my ds to use that word without calling him on it.  He is 13 now and he 'knows' what it means...but even when he was 6 it was being tossed around as meaning something other than what it means.  We looked up the definition together...and I explained to him it was not appropriate to say you found something or someone 'sexually exciting' unless you were a husband speaking to your wife! 

 

I wouldn't think someone is a 'bad' mom because she referred to her dd as sexy but I would definitely not approve.  Words have power.

 

This isn't to beat up on the OP who I KNOW is horrified, but as a cautionary tale to others I would suggest that when a 6 yo asks what a word means we tell them what it actually means. 

[marbel]

"Sexy" is used in lots of different ways now.   Cars are described as sexy. It seems to mean anything desirable.  I don't like it, and I don't talk that way, but the use of the word is changing.    People use "pimp" in different ways now too.  I find that equally upsetting.  My kids don't use those terms, at least not around me.   They know the original meaning of the words.

[Julie Smith]

 

 

This isn't to beat up on the OP who I KNOW is horrified, but as a cautionary tale to others I would suggest that when a 6 yo asks what a word means we tell them what it actually means. 

 

I tell my kids what a word means, and also what many people are starting to use it to mean, and whether or not it is appropriate to use. 

[Scarlett]

 

I tell my kids what a word means, and also what many people are starting to use it to mean, and whether or not it is appropriate to use. 

 

 

Yes, I agree. I do that too. At age 6, when we discussed the word sexy I explained it was not a word little kids should be using...that it wasn't a 'bad' word...but that sex is for adults and not for kids.

[Scarlett]

 

"Sexy" is used in lots of different ways now.   Cars are described as sexy. It seems to mean anything desirable.  I don't like it, and I don't talk that way, but the use of the word is changing.    People use "pimp" in different ways now too.  I find that equally upsetting.  My kids don't use those terms, at least not around me.   They know the original meaning of the words.

 

 

This is my point though. If kids are given the hard cold FACTS about definitions of words they are much less likely to use it in a pop culture fad kind of way. Nothing worse than having your mom say, 'surely you don't mean you want to have sex with that car.'

 

There is a site that I often see pics from on FB...beautiful pictures of our beautiful planet earth...but the title of the page is 'Earth Porn.' That disgusts me. I never share anything from that page.

[marbel]

   

 

This is my point though. If kids are given the hard cold FACTS about definitions of words they are much less likely to use it in a pop culture fad kind of way. Nothing worse than having your mom say, 'surely you don't mean you want to have sex with that car.'

 

There is a site that I often see pics from on FB...beautiful pictures of our beautiful planet earth...but the title of the page is 'Earth Porn.' That disgusts me. I never share anything from that page.

 

Yes.  We are in agreement.

 

I haven't seen the "earth porn" page but a friend of mine sometimes shares pictures and articles from a science page which include "f....." in the title.  I don't share from that either.  That's another word that people use much more casually now.  My kids hear it but I don't want them immersed in it.  I still want them to be shocked by it.

[Julie Smith]

   

 

This is my point though. If kids are given the hard cold FACTS about definitions of words they are much less likely to use it in a pop culture fad kind of way. Nothing worse than having your mom say, 'surely you don't mean you want to have sex with that car.'

 

There is a site that I often see pics from on FB...beautiful pictures of our beautiful planet earth...but the title of the page is 'Earth Porn.' That disgusts me. I never share anything from that page.

 

Definitions of words change. I remember thinking geek only meant a circus performer who swallowed live animals and vomited them up unharmed. 

 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/geek

 

I use to insist, "I am NOT a geek". (I'm not old, but I must have had an old dicitionary)

 

I don't like the use of the word sexy to mean anything attractive. But that is the way the word is going. I told my boys both definitions of the word and told them that I think it a very inproper word to use outisde of the old :p definition.  Happily neither of them has any interest in using the word and think its weird when other people do. 

 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sexy

 

I emphasize the strangeness of the english language. I also point out that people can likely figure out what you are trying to say, but the words you use to accomplish that will leave a big impression - and it's best to make a good one. 

[sassenach]

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a little odd to focus on the 6yo's exposure more than the 8yo's.

 

Ever since the "I'm sexy and I know it" song came

out, I've heard plenty of young kids using the word. It's in advertising all over the place. Pretty unavoidable. I think it's pretty pointless to pick apart why a child would google a word, since they see us googling things all the time. It makes total sense.

 

So, end game, you have 2 kids who have been exposed to porn. Both kids will need to be parented through this.

 

Dd was 7 (?) when she was exposed to graphic images for a split second (I was searching for a coloring page for her and clicked on a booby-trapped site. I slammed the laptop closed but she did see the images.). A year later she accidentally walked into the YMCA changing room and saw some naked women talking and dressing, and she had a full blown melt down. Everything came back up again.

 

You will have to be sensitive to both kids and the obvious and hidden ways this could creep into their hearts and minds. It's tricky, because I know I didn't want to over talk it and have dd bring up the imagery again. I think if be a little more concerned about your son, since he's older and closer to the age where boys can really fall down that rabbit hole.

 

((Hugs)) my experience changed how we handle computers at our house.

[Scarlett]

 

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a little odd to focus on the 6yo's exposure more than the 8yo's.

 

Ever since the "I'm sexy and I know it" song came

out, I've heard plenty of young kids using the word. It's in advertising all over the place. Pretty unavoidable. I think it's pretty pointless to pick apart why a child would google a word, since they see us googling things all the time. It makes total sense.

 

So, end game, you have 2 kids who have been exposed to porn. Both kids will need to be parented through this.

 

Dd was 7 (?) when she was exposed to graphic images for a split second (I was searching for a coloring page for her and clicked on a booby-trapped site. I slammed the laptop closed but she did see the images.). A year later she accidentally walked into the YMCA changing room and saw some naked women talking and dressing, and she had a full blown melt down. Everything came back up again.

 

You will have to be sensitive to both kids and the obvious and hidden ways this could creep into their hearts and minds. It's tricky, because I know I didn't want to over talk it and have dd bring up the imagery again. I think if be a little more concerned about your son, since he's older and closer to the age where boys can really fall down that rabbit hole.

 

((Hugs)) my experience changed how we handle computers at our house.

 

 

I meant to mention that myself. She mentioned the 8 yo watching it sort of as an afterthough. I would be just as concerned if not more so about the 8 yo watching it.

[Aura]

I thought the PP suggested that a 6yo might call another child "sexy" if their mom calls them "sexy" or uses the word herself.

This. I was not calling anyone names or implying anyone was a bad mom. I just wanted to point out that many people use the word without referring to its original definition, and of course, kids pick up on that stuff, too. I was using my experience w/ my SIL & MIL as an example, that's all. :)

 

sent from my iPod

[mathnerd]

What kind of kid calls a six year old sexy?

I took my child to Pump It Up for a new year's party last year. They played the "Gangnam Style" song a total of 8 times there for the kids to dance - their "DJ" included other songs as well. The party was for the "under 7 year old" crowd. And my DS who has no exposure to popular culture and was 5 at that time left chanting the "Sexy Lady" line from that song - he still sings it one year later - he knows no other popular songs. I felt awful, but Ds was there to meet his friends whom he had not seen since he moved out of preschool. DS sings that song as "Sensy Lady" because that is what he understood - he tried to explain the meaning to me by saying that it is about a lady with all her senses! I will not take my son to that place again. But, he got exposed to "Sexy Lady" inadvertantly. There are no guarantees to what your child is exposed to in today's culture - even if you are a vigilant parent.

 

OP, I am sorry that your child watched porn. I would just explain to both of them that it is a grown up thing and that they are not to discuss it with friends.

[Lucy]

My kids learned the word sexy from the food channel.  Judges are constantly describing dishes as "sexy."  Then our neighbor girl kept telling them that to wear short shorts and half shirts are sexy and that she reeeeeally wants to be sexy to the boys.  Cars, songs, and art are all described this way and my kids have heard it - and we don't watch much tv or belong to a co-op or anything.  My kids are old enough now to know what the word really means - but they do understand that it has multiple meanings in different settings - delicious, sleek, new, etc.  Still, they don't use the word themselves. 

 

As for the internet, I have a question for you ladies.  Right now I have password controls for their Kindles to get online so I always know what they are doing.  Web browsing is off, so they can only search Amazon or play on each others' games.  If they search online on the family computer, I'm there with them and often check out sites beforehand.  Computers are kept in the kitchen.

 

Are there any content blocking programs I can use to make it safer?  And at what age do you think kids should have free access to internet?

[Liz CA]

OP, such a graphic image(s) can impact the brain physiologically. Be on the look out for either child seeking more stimulation related to sexual feelings.

 

Unfortunately, yes. Not to mention that some images have a way of sticking in your brain, especially if you are not sure what you have seen as a 6 and 8yo.

 

[Laurie4b]

I am not sure that I would use the occasion to explain about sex if you haven't already explained it. If I had already explained it, I would want to differentiate.  I am guessing that they are overwhelmed by what they saw and I would be cautious about associating their feelings of being overwhelmed with something I'd want to be associated with being about love and beauty. I am not certain about this, just something that comes to mind.

[Liz CA]

As for the internet, I have a question for you ladies.  Right now I have password controls for their Kindles to get online so I always know what they are doing.  Web browsing is off, so they can only search Amazon or play on each others' games.  If they search online on the family computer, I'm there with them and often check out sites beforehand.  Computers are kept in the kitchen.

 

Are there any content blocking programs I can use to make it safer?  And at what age do you think kids should have free access to internet?

 

There things like webnanny and others. As far as how old should they be when they are granted unlimited access...my ds did have "unlimited" access when he was about 16, however, we had (in those days) one computer in an open place in the house. I also talked incessantly to him about certain things online, the danger of facebook and other social media, why "some images" are potentially harmful, etc. I think those discussions are more important than the actual age at which you let them roam. If you have access to their laptops, you can check history unless they regularly clear the cache. I think even with a cleared cache you can access some history but don't know if a computer expert has to do this or you can do it yourself. Someone with more knowledge here may weigh in.

 

[GSOchristie]

I took my child to Pump It Up for a new year's party last year. They played the "Gangnam Style" song a total of 8 times there for the kids to dance - their "DJ" included other songs as well. The party was for the "under 7 year old" crowd. And my DS who has no exposure to popular culture and was 5 at that time left chanting the "Sexy Lady" line from that song - he still sings it one year later - he knows no other popular songs. I felt awful, but Ds was there to meet his friends whom he had not seen since he moved out of preschool. DS sings that song as "Sensy Lady" because that is what he understood - he tried to explain the meaning to me by saying that it is about a lady with all her senses! I will not take my son to that place again. But, he got exposed to "Sexy Lady" inadvertantly. There are no guarantees to what your child is exposed to in today's culture - even if you are a vigilant parent.

 

OP, I am sorry that your child watched porn. I would just explain to both of them that it is a grown up thing and that they are not to discuss it with friends.

 

Yep, I was just getting ready to mention this song.  One of my 7 yo friend's was singing it in our car one day, and I told him it was not an appropriate way to describe girls, so I didn't want him to sing it around my kids.  Then we had to have the "sexy" discussion, yea  :glare: .

[Trish]

How did she figure out how to spell that?

[umsami]

Thanks everybody.  I've been worried about both, but I posted mainly about my DD because I found it more shocking that she searched on it, rather than my 8 year old 3rd grader.  I kind of assumed that he may have prompted her, because I remember an instance in 3rd grade with my eldest last year…discussions in the boys' locker room on sex…and they were so disturbing to him that he told me about them. (Also completely inaccurate. :P)  So, that's part of the reason we're homeschooling him.

 

 

How did she figure out how to spell that?

 

Sadly (in this case), she's an excellent speller and reader.  All of my kids so far seem to be great spellers. Not sure where that comes from as both DH and I are not.  

 

 

I was thinking about switching them both to HSing starting in January…but have wavered back and forth.  (Before this even happened.)  I do believe that there are some kids at their school who have been exposed to things that I would never expose my young kids to through elder siblings or what not…and thus share that info…and that worries me.  

 

Thanks everybody for all of your support.  I'm trying not to do anything that will be viewed as punishment for this (like taking away the iPads and e-devices forever), as I don't think they did anything wrong.  It was me forgetting to fix the settings after the IOS update.  I thought I had spoke enough to her about the whole "sexy" thing, but I guess I didn't.