feeling trapped

[musicianmom]

I am having a mid-life crisis or something, but I'm tired of homeschooling! Public school is not an option. I have no job qualifications that would allow me to get a job to make enough for private school tuition.

 

I really thought homeschooling was my calling in life, but now I dread the thought of doing this for 15 more years. :(

[Calm37]

I have been homeschooling for 20 years and have always found myself quite tired of it by Christmas. Every.single.year! I know there are many challenges with young ones. I want to encourage you to take the next few weeks to forget all about school and enjoy the holidays. There is plenty of time to assess what you are doing.

 

Praying for you tonight. I understand that trapped feeling! You will find your way through this.

 

Blessings,

Cathy M.

[UmMusa]

I'm sure many of us can relate, but allow me to put it this way: one could, and most likely will, feel trapped in any long term commitment she's made whether in a career, a marriage, or something else if great value. Don't be hard on yourself and take it one day at a time. You never know what unexpected turns might come at any point in the future.

[musicianmom]

Cathy, I started out the school year this way, so not just Christmas burnout. UmMusa, you're right. I never really know what's ahead. Thinking about the next 15 years isn't really productive.

[chickenpatty]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I have felt that way many times, too. As my children have gotten older, I've been able to see the benefits of continuing to homeschool. Helping my oldest getting her transcript & high school route planned this year has also been rewarding. And it helps me realize that this stage of life doesn't last forever.

 

:grouphug:

[luvnlattes]

I really thought homeschooling was my calling in life

 

Do you remember what it was that made you have this feeling? There was something that drew you to homeschooling but now you may have become disillusioned. I've felt like this before, and when I have, I try to remember why I started doing it in the first place. What was I hoping for that isn't turning out the way I envisioned? Then I make some changes that I think will bring me closer to that desired outcome. It won't necessarily be as easy as, "do a and get b," but if you do "a" you might get a little closer to "b" which will encourage and inspire you. If you do "a" and get further away from what you're hoping for, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember you're learning right along with your children, learning what works well for them (and for you) and what doesn't. It's ok to make mistakes; it's ok to change your mind.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: as you try to figure this out.

[texasmama]

At any point when I begin to feel "trapped" with any situation, I always review all of my options, lay out the pros and cons of each option and decide what the best option is as if I were approaching the decision for the first time. This allows me a different perspective on life choices as actually being choices. It matters not how unrealistic other options are, all options need to be listed. IMO, life is full of decisions which, over time, can lead one to feel trapped. I don't like this feeling so I typically look for a way to reframe the situation as me making a free will choice, however difficult the choice may be to carry out day by day.

[Laura Corin]

Perhaps you could look at working towards having the qualifications that could allow you to afford private school. Work out how much it would cost locally, scan some job adverts, discover if it's feasible and what training you would need.

 

I'm not telling you to give up home education; I just think that it's always worth knowing all the facts before making decisions.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Anne in CA]

In my personal experience the idea of putting my children and husband first all the time for the rest of my life was very overwhelming. To counter balance that I have made sure to invest in myself. I have two hobbies (I paint watercolor paintings, and I quilt), I exercise and take care of my health and I work part time. When I started my part time job it did not pay well, but I worked hard and did my best to get along with everybody and now I could live off what I make there if something happened to dh, so I feel more secure. Even though my children have not gotten the very best education because I did take time for myself they have still gotten a good education that is not available in the public schools here. Because my dh took care of the children when I worked nights he has a good relationship with them. There have been trade offs, but having my own life has given me commitment to my family.

[bethben]

I've had these thoughts also - especially at the beginning of this year. I really wanted to put my daughter into a Christian preschool because I thought she would benefit from it. She's an intense child and the best thing going for her is her faith in God, but there are no Christian preschools in our very liberal college town. I've also wanted my oldest to benefit from an academically rigorous school. Again, we don't even have the option of a private school in our town even if we did make the money to pay for it. LIke the op, public school is not an option. So, I have felt stuck because there are no other options. This is not true school choice. It irritates me to no end. Around here, you either homeschool or send them to public school where they will be mocked by teachers and students for being a Christian. That's not as big of a deal as an adult, but for a child - having to stand up for their faith when they are still wanting to fit in can be very difficult. Sigh ---I'm OK now since I've resigned myself to the situation and am looking at more online classes for my oldest, but there are days when I just want to stop fighting the system.

 

Beth

[Critterfixer]

You sound exhausted. Perhaps if you could expound on why you think you are feeling trapped, since you have felt this way for a while? What is it about the homeschooling that is making you feel so worn out?

[Melissa in Australia]

Things that cannot be cured have to be endured, and it is best to do this with a smile.

[Faithr]

I can get that trapped feeling too. For me, it wasn't just homeschooling, it was anytime I made a major commitment. Right after I got married, even though I was in love my dh and so deeply happy, I would dream about my old boyfriends! For months this went on! It was terrible. The dreams were full of regrets. But they wore off and I'm still happily married 24 years later! Same with anytime I got pregnant. Again, even though I wanted children more than anything, every time I got pregnant, I'd suddenly get this urge to go to grad school. I'm not kidding! I'd send away for promotional material. I'd daydream about how I'd work it and everything! I'm a little bit crazy, LOL. And when I get that trapped feeling with homeschooling, you know what I do? I explore the possibilities. I go visit private schools that look interesting. I talk to neighbors about the public schools, I am always looking at various curriculum, programs, cottage schools, etc. I never did get together with one of my old boyfriends :), I never did go to grad school, I did, one year, send two out of five children to school but that wasn't because I was restless and feeling trapped, it was because my dad had died and I was a co-executor, our house was being remodeling and I was incredibly burned out. I needed a little break and those two kids wanted to try school. It only lasted a year and then I brought those two home again.

 

So for me, it was best to just recognize that there is part of me that reacts that way to big commitments. It doesn't mean I won't go through with it, it's just my way of dealing with the situation. So maybe you're like that too?

[duckens]

:grouphug: to MusicianMom!

 

We have a 6yo and a 2yo in the house, and let me assure you that there are days that NOTHING gets done that would be considered stereotypical schoolwork (curriculum, workbooks, etc). Some days the 2yo just needs to nurse a lot; she needs me the most on those days. I really don't know how I'm going to manage with two kids doing curriculum, or even next year (1st grade) when I want to add science and history cycle.

 

We also get sold on that fantasy of the kids waking joyously and running to the school table to say, "Gee, Mom, I'm so glad that you homeschool me. You're the BEST MOM EVER!!!" btdt. In our house, this version is most often played out as, "Get yer butt in the chair!"

 

Will any of these things help you? They help me. They are listed in no particular order.

 

1) Thou shalt not compare thyself to other homeschoolers. You know who I'm talking about: the mom with 5 kids under the age of 10, and she's homeschooling them all (even the toddler), and she does every subject every day for every kid. Stop the madness now! Some people can do this, but some people can also juggle 7 plates while eating a tuna fish sandwich. I can't; can you?

 

2) Thou shalt play games. A few years ago, Science magazine ran an article about research of how to teach kids math in a cheap and easy manner. The answer: play games. Counting spaces, counting dice, doubles, money. Skip the curriculum, and just play games. And trust me, there are many free games online that you can print off and cut out to do reading and phonics, too. Ask me how I know. :)

 

3) Thou shalt read many good books. Go to the library, and get good books of all subjects. We read a lot of Caldecott books (I am just going down the list of them I printed off). We also read a LOT of science, and dd6 has learned so much more doing that than from the boxed set of pre-school experiments.

 

4) Thou shalt play outside and collect many nature treasures, and bring them in the house. Collect insects in jars. Bring in leaves, and identify every tree in the yard. Did you know that we have two White Pines in our yard, but the neighbor has a Scotch Pine in hers? I didn't either until last summer! Talk about how sticky sap or thorns on stems defend plants from insects. Talk about how burdocks and other hitchhikers spread their seeds by grabbing onto our clothing.

 

Give your child a plastic bin to keep their nature treasures in. We have cups of bugs, cattails, rocks, fossils, funny looking sticks, pieces of wasp nest, bird nests, etc in the box.

 

5) Thou shalt ask for help when thou needest it. Can your husband be more help? Can he take the youngers outside while you do math with the older one? Can he do math with the older one while you take the two youngers for a walk around the block?

 

Are there co-op classes available for some subjects?

 

6) Thou shalt make use of bribery at all times necessary. Dd6 gets one free (half hour) tv show/day. If she wants more tv time, she must earn it by completing certain amounts of school work. I don't make her wait until the end of the day for her tv time, unless she has been dinking around too much. If she watches during the day, it must be educational. If she wants to watch Scooby Doo, she must save her tv time until Dad is home. It gives us both a break. We also use money. PM me if you want more details on our system

 

7) Thou shalt make use of the Public School system when necessary. Why is public school not an option? You don't need to answer or go on the defensive here, but I would encourage you to make a visit to your local public school and just talk with the principal and teachers of your concerns, and sit in on a classroom. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!! Unless you have done this, then you don't know if your worst fears are true.

 

Likewise, there are many levels of public schooling and homeschooling. I have a local friend who sends her daughter for "morning literacy block." The daughter then comes home at 11:30 for lunch and unschooling the rest of the day. Would this be an option for you at this time? You won't know unless you ask your public school.

 

8) Thou shalt talk with thy partner about how happy/unhappy thou art. He loves you, and he loves the kids. He wants you to be happy. (If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!) Let him be a part of the problem solving on this. Don't carry it all by yourself.

 

 

 

Most of all, know that we've all been there, and we love you and want you find what works for you.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

Well, try not to think of "15 more years!" - think of today. Get through today. Tomorrow, get through tomorrow. One day at a time. Your kids are young so try to have fun and enjoy them because they'll get bigger very quickly!

 

Sometimes I have to remind myself often of why I'm doing this. I think that's normal.

[marbel]

I often feel trapped by homeschooling. One of my children has some mild learning disabilities and chronic illness that make everything more difficult for him. There really is no option for us at this point in his academic career. I've asked my younger child if she is interested in going to school, but she is not. She's not a stellar student herself - would rather do art or photography than anything else - so we have challenges from both kids. I could send her to school against her will, I suppose, but I don't see any reason to do that to her.

 

So, I work on remembering why we started homeschooling in the first place, 10 years ago. The reasons to continue homeschooling are pretty much the same as the reasons we had when we started. That shows me that we are still on the right track, despite my negative feelings, and that is what gives me the strength to go on with it. Sometimes doing the right thing is going to be hard.

 

That said, I also agree with the pp who suggested thinking through all options before deciding something. That way even if you come to the conclusion that you are going to be continue homeschooling, it might help to know that it truly is the best option.

[LLMom]

I have homeschooled for 17 years, and I am so spent. Not so much due to homeschooling but other life situations that won't change. I did put all 5 of my children in school a year ago (4 only stayed for 1 semester--my high schooler is still in school), and it was an agonizing decision. But it was the best decision for our family. I researched both public and private school and put them in a Catholic school. I thought I couldn't afford it before I did some checking, but they had 2 different scholarships which we qualified for since I don't work, and they had a mult-child discount. Plus, I was able to get most of the uniforms for free that people donate to the school. So, what might look like an out-of-reach option, may be doable. I would investigate. Also, not all public schools are the same. I would go visit, talk to people whose children go there, look on Great schools which has reviews of both public and private schools.

I know for me, it hurt my pride to put my children in school. I felt like I was failing my kids, that there would be backlash from homeschooling friends, etc. But just as I first decided to keep them home because I wanted to do what was best for our family, you have to evaluate whether that is still the case.

[HS Mom in NC]

I posted this earlier this month in the "So Discouraged" thread. Maybe something in it will be useful to you?

 

General questions I would ask moms regardless of where and how their children are schooled:

 

Foundations

 

1. How is the discipline in your house? Are there behavioral issues that addressing with anyone in your house? Are your expectations clear and reasonable? Too high? Too low? Is your follow through consistent?

 

2. How is your family's diet? Generally well balanced? Generally poor?

 

3. How is your family's exercise? ( Most kids in America are not getting anywhere near the physical outdoor play they need. ) Are you in an extreme weather climate that makes this hard? Are your property and your neighborhood conducive to physical outdoor play?

 

4. Are there unbalanced aspects of your life? Do you have a hard time saying, "No?" Too much/not enough social time? Too much/not enough academic time? Too much/not enough family time? Too much/not enough spiritual or philosophical activity time? Too much/not enough extra-curricular time? Is one family member (usually mom) doing all the giving and everyone else doing all the taking? Are mom and dad doing anything that the kids should be able to do for themselves? Anyone in your house suffering from the delusion that it's mom's job to make everyone happy, successful, and entertained and if they're not happy, successful, and entertained it's mom's fault? Do you think that?

 

5. Are you and your spouse generally pro-active or reactive to things that happen in each aspect of your life together?

 

6. Do you value all activities as equal or are you good at prioritizing what is most important and essential over what is not? This applies to academics, extra-curricular activities, hobbies, social opportunities, spiritual/philosophical activities, finances, etc.

 

7. Do you have a support system outside your nuclear family that can provide breaks for you and relationships for your kids? Do you think your spouse needs to be more involved with the kids in any ways? Could you and other friends rotate hosting the kids while everyone else goes out for alone time or couple time or couples time?

 

8. Could there be underlying health issues that need to be checked and treated? We're all getting older and will need more maintenance as the years go by.

 

9. How is your physical space? Is it too cluttered and disorganized? Is it too spartan and sterile? Do you have too much? Do you need some thing(s) that could make your space better for your particular situation? Is the organizational infrastructure you have too confining, annoying, and impractical for you? How do you respond emotionally to not getting everything done they way you think it "should" be done? Are you flexible and adaptable to making changes when it's necessary? How is you follow through with making changes? Are your expectations of yourself realistic? Do you need to raise or lower those expectations?

 

10. Does everyone in your household have a list of chores they do to regularly to help contribute to the smooth running of the household? Is everyone learning new ways to help as they get older? Does each person know exactly what they need to do and when they need to do it? Is mom or dad doing anything for the kids that the kids should be doing for themselves?

 

Homeschooling

 

1. Are you trying to do too much academically? Are your children needing more to do academically? Is the curriculum the right fit for your family situation? Do you need more hands on with some or all of your kids? Do you need more independent learning materials for some or all of your kids? Would video instruction for a particular subject be helpful to you and some or all of your kids? Are the materials you're using something you picked because they were a great match for your goals and educational philosophy, or did you buy something based only on someone else's recommendation?

 

2. Is your schedule working for you? Do you need more time off during certain parts of the year (the holidays, when you're involved in outside the home activities more than usual, etc) You can take time off in any pattern or as needed. Would schooling more during the summer and less other times of the year make more practical sense? How about 3 weeks on 1 week off? 3 months on 1 month off? 6 weeks off from Now. to Jan.?

 

3. Do you need to change approaches all together? Do you need to abandon the textbook/workbook/fill in the blanks/answer the questions at the end of the chapter for a while or entirely? Do you need to abandon the pursue their individual interests/living books/ in the field nature studies for a while or entirely? Do you need to get back to mastering the basics of just Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic? Do you need to branch out into Art, Nature,Foreign Languages, and Music appreciation? Are you too loosey goosey/as the spirit moves you during school time? Are you too structured/regimented during school time?

[Cassy]

Could you have a bit of a break for a month or so? We just had an enforced break for the last month due to the illness and subsequent death of an elderly relative, and then other family commitments. During this time all we did was lots of reading and our daily math lessons. The boys then zoomed around busily doing their own various art and creative projects, without any input from myself; they actually educated themselves fairly well! I hated it at first, feeling that I was letting them down, but soon realised that they weren't really missing out on anything crucial.

 

Now we're finally near the end of our crisis period and I'm starting to plan 'school proper' to start in just over a week's time - and do you know, I feel more motivated and excited about school than I have in a long, long while; I'm really beginning to realise just how bored and uninspired I'd felt about school throughout September and October.

 

So, a change is as good as a rest, as they say :001_smile:.

[musicianmom]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and encouraging replies. I just got back from a lovely 3-day vacation with dh (the first ever without kids!). I've read and pondered everything you all have written. I have talked with dh about my discouragement. I have made lists of all the individual components that add up to the trapped feeling. I've read the monster thread about organizing life. I think I'm ready to tackle next semester at least.

 

School breaks don't really help me, by the way. It's not the teaching part that gets to me, it's the kids-constantly-with-me thing.

[Cassy]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and encouraging replies. I just got back from a lovely 3-day vacation with dh (the first ever without kids!). I've read and pondered everything you all have written. I have talked with dh about my discouragement. I have made lists of all the individual components that add up to the trapped feeling. I've read the monster thread about organizing life. I think I'm ready to tackle next semester at least.

 

School breaks don't really help me, by the way. It's not the teaching part that gets to me, it's the kids-constantly-with-me thing.

 

 

I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling re-energised and motivated :001_smile:.

 

The 'kids-constantly-with-me' thing does get better as they get older. My youngest is now 5 and he and his brothers are able to keep each other entertained for hours without bothering me at all. In that respect it definitely gets easier. I hope you're able to find ways of getting away from it all more regularly.

 

Take care

[Mom22ns]

I'm so glad to hear that you found some time away!

 

I want to encourage you that as an introvert, the lack of time away can burn me out fast. When your kids are young it is hard. However, Cassy is right. It won't stay like that. When your youngest is 7 instead of 3, you'll find that you have some very independent creatures living with you! Even before that, your oldest will be able to take care of your youngest while you go for a walk or take a quiet hot bath or workout. In the mean time make sure bedtime is early and consistent so you have an hour or two without kids each evening. Don't be afraid to use a video or have your oldest read to the other two while you are in another room doing whatever brings you peace.

 

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

OP, I found my three year olds to be terribly wearing and exhausting. When my youngest reached the age of five, something magical happened and life improved. Now that my youngest is seven, it is even easier/better.

[Crimson Wife]

Is there maybe a Mom's Morning Out program that you could send your little one to one day per week?

[musicianmom]

Is there maybe a Mom's Morning Out program that you could send your little one to one day per week?

 

 

LOL, he is on waiting lists at two preschools, but I couldn't get him in. He will definitely go next year to the preschool where dd5 is going this year, 2x/week. One of those days my girls will be in a tutorial, and I will have Tuesdays free! I keep forgetting about that. I can get a lot done in 6 hours a week! Just have to hold out till next August.

[LindaOz]

My advice might seem too simple but.... take time to play - just get out of the house and play with your kids. Things don't seem as bad in the great outdoors, and you'll still have time to fit in some school time. I often feel reinspired by just doing something fun with my kids.

 

Also, for a long term strategy, check out http://www.urthemom.com/

[Jan in SC]

Do you have a YMCA? Ours has a swim & gym program. It lasts three hours and younger children can go to a child care area if you stay and work out. Or, you can just drop off age appropriate ones.

[Faithr]

One thing I did at periods when my dh was traveling a lot and I was stuck with my kids pretty much 24/7 and going stir crazy. . . I hired a 12 or 13 yo neighborhood girl to come and play with the kids. I actually went through a couple of them. There were a couple of false starts. I hired one girl who was never allowed to watch TV in her house and all she wanted to do was watch TV with my kids! LOL! Another girl was flighty and just kept forgetting to show up! But I finally found an excellent young lady. This girl really wanted to earn a little money and liked playing with little kids, and was an absolute godsend. She played hide and seek, they put on shows with stuffed animals, she read them books, did crafts with them, took them out in the backyard and pushed them in the swing, played in the sandbox with them, etc. It was just a couple of hours a week, but during that time I took naps, read a book undisturbed, worked on projects, caught up on housecleaning. It was a little bit of relief and it made a huge difference. The girl actually worked for me for a couple of years and when she went to get her first job at a clothing store she asked me to be a reference. It was nice to be able to help out someone like that! All in all, it was a win-win situation.

[duckens]

MusicianMom says:

it's the kids-constantly-with-me thing.

 

It DOES get easier as they get older, but that doesn't help you now.

 

We co-sleep, and I still nurse both our girls, so I TOTALLY get where you are coming from.

 

For me, I am lucky with Loverboy. Once a month, I abandon him and the girls, and I rent the local community center of our trailer court ($10) to sew or scrapbook all day. I order out for Fighting Burrito. Sometimes friends join me. Sometimes it is just me. I am just around the corner if the baby needs to nurse to lay down for a nap.

 

The trade-off:

 

1) The kids watch a lot of tv that day. We follow the 85% rule in our house. As long as the kids' tv is limited 85% of the time, it will be okay.

 

2) Dad feeds them whatever they want. His philosophy (for the nursing toddler) is that she can't have the one thing she wants (breastmilk), so he is willing to give her WHATEVER ELSE she will eat. (Apply the 85% rule to junk food).

 

3) When I come home, the kids are a little more needy of my time and attention for that evening. I try to be accommodating.

 

4) Dad is pooped at the end of the day. I used to feel bad on an average day because I would be too exhausted to do anything by the end of the day. Once I started leaving Loverboy with the kids, I realized, "Hey, I look like that at the end of the day!" And I quit feeling bad for not doing more in the evenings.

 

Can you get an evening a week or a couple of days a month of time to yourself if your husband can take the kids?