butterflymommy Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Totally at a loss. First I should clarify that we are not in need of charity and are doing well financially (for now, anyway). The school the girls go to has a large percentage of students from disadvantaged backgrounds. We were asked when we first enrolled if our income was under X amount (for scholarship reasons) and we said no. But, yesterday, four of the girls came home with donated coats. DD 13 has a very nice, new Land's End down filled coat. Her donated coat doesn't fit right and looks old. She now feels obligated to wear it so as not to offend her teacher. On top of this, I bought her a beautiful new down coat for christmas (which she doesn't know about) with the idea of the other down coat going to DD 11. DD 11 had a nice, newish coat from sears but she didn't like it. her donated coat is more fashionable and she loves it. It fits well. But still, we didn't need the donation and she was going to get DD 13's old coat. DD 9 had a coat with a broken zipper (which the teachers noticed because they helped her snap it in lieu of zipper). I told her to live with it because I had a coat for her for christmas (but didn't tell her to keep it a surprise). Well yesterday she came home with a beautiful donated coat that she loves. DD 7 had a sad looking coat but with the new Christmas coats she would have been handed down a nicer looking coat... she too came home with a donated coat that is really nice. I asked the teachers pointedly if there was ANYONE else in the school who needed the coats and they said no. DD 11, 9, and 7 love their coats so it would be terrible to make them hand them back. Their old coats aren't really donatable and the ones that would be, I was going to hand down. WWYD? Let them keep the coats and give them the christmas coats, and they'll have 2 coats? I have 6 girls so all the coats will get used. Do we make some kind of donation to the church to "pay" for the coats? I'm also left wondering if the kids are going to school so shabby they assume we're broke? I don't worry about appearances much but maybe I should pay more attention to their apparel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I say keep whatever works best. Pass on any coats that were donated to your girls that don't work. And don't feel bad about "paying it forward". :) If you're not against the kids having more than one winter coat, you could let the girls who would end up with two choosing one for school and one for play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Could be they just had a surplus of donated coats this year. As far as appearances, it's probably not about how they are dressed at school, although you may want to pay a bit more attention since you said you don't really do that now. Clothes that are neat and clean should be enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 I guess I should just see it as a surprise christmas gift from fate! It was certainly unexpected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Donate the ones you do not need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Donate the ones you do not need. I agree. Or return the new ones that are under the tree, and use that $ for something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I taught at a school with a large percentage of low-income families, and often when we had donated items, we'd distribute them to any child who wanted them, not just those who "needed" them, especially if there were people from a local organization coming in. You really don't want to say "Kid A is poor, but Kid B isn't"-it's a simple matter, if the child DOESN'T need a 2nd coat or school uniform to donate it to the next drive for distribution to the next kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 For some reason this would bug me. I guess I'd donate them. It would bug me. I think I'd go talk to the teacher and reiterate that they should help others who really need assistance. I'd also let them know they have kind of messed up Christmas for your family as you had plans which involved new coats. Donate the coats you don't need come the 26th. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Yeah I'd be annoyed too. And why are they giving coats to kids who don't need them? That seems like a sad waste and now you have to re-donate them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 All the school noticed was a whole family that seem to need new coats. They just didn't have the full story. Also, the nice, newer coats just look so thin. It may be impossible for some folks to understand that they're warmer than bulkier coats. Just keep them and move on. They'll get used plenty. If you meet a little girl who needs one and you have an extra in that size, just pass it on then. It's entirely possible that the school was overly generous with the coats so they wouldn't single out just a few kids and so they wouldn't be stuck storing coats indefinitely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 All the school noticed was a whole family that seem to need new coats. They just didn't have the full story. Also, the nice, newer coats just look so thin. It may be impossible for some folks to understand that they're warmer than bulkier coats. Just keep them and move on. They'll get used plenty. If you meet a little girl who needs one and you have an extra in that size, just pass it on then. It's entirely possible that the school was overly generous with the coats so they wouldn't single out just a few kids and so they wouldn't be stuck storing coats indefinitely. that makes sense too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Keep the ones that suit you best and pass on the rest that are usuable to others (ones like the broken zipper one may as well be tossed) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I think it is better to give coats to the children that want them than to judge people as being more or less in need. Have you read The Railway Children recently? What struck me was the idea that many characters had that giving to charity is good but receiving it is shameful. I'd suggest that you graciously keep whichever coats work for your family and after Christmas donate any that don't. There will be cold children in your town after Christmas too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I would be kind of miffed because you had coats for Christmas gifts. I don't know. was is a situation where everyone got coats or were your girls singled out? I guess I'd want to know because then I'd feel badly sending them to school in new coats from Christmas if the school is thinking you're too poor to properly clothe your children. If the coats are vastly different then I wouldn't make anyone give them up, use one for play one for nice. I would probably call the teacher and have a very humble grateful conversation something along the lines, "My girls really appreciate the coats, however, I have new coats for Christmas and I feel badly because I don't want someone who needed a coat to go without. We had been planning on upgrading/replacing coats this holiday anyway..." As an aside, in the larger sense: It is so nice for others to give, but sometimes it puts the recipient in an awkward position when random items are given that may not be necessary. I've seen it before, where people get so wrapped up in giving that they don't stop to truly think about what the givee might really need. I remember a coat drive someone did for the homeless and the homeless were happy, but they already had coats. They could have used some wool socks or clean underwear or other items, but by gosh this was a coat drive, so they got coats. How that would work in a school setting, IDK. And again if all the kids got coats, I'd let it go. But if they were singled out, I'd probably have a conversation, if for no other reason than the givers wouldn't get bent out of shape if they notice your girls in brand new coats after Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 This was basically how I was raised. I try to fight that thought, but it's hard. I would not take donated stuff unless I truly needed it. And I would be highly offended to have someone perceive I needed it. Again, I can reason that my thinking is not entirely right, but I still feel that way. Yeah, I fight that too. In some of our rougher days my parents would bring us stuff. They would bring soda and Hostess stuff (things we rarely buy on our own). I was grateful, but finally ask them to spend their money on things we really needed, like toilet paper and laundry detergent. So what do they do, buy both. :svengo: I'm grateful for sure, but we don't need the soda and Hostess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I would be annoyed too, because I was raised not to take charity unless I had no other option. That said what's done is done, and the girls might be hurt if you had them give those coats away. I would probably take the Christmas coats back and get something else, and I would let the teachers know that in the future they need to ask me as the mom before giving my kids anything like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Simply keep whichever coats you will use and donate the rest. I'm sure the school simply let any kid who wanted one pick out a coat. Don't wear the ones they don't like, and do wear the new ones whenever they want. I can't imagine a teacher noticing either way, much less caring. It's not something that would bother me, at all. It doesn't sound like they were singled out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I see it as a pretty simple situation. I would not be annoyed, I would be appreciative that the teacher was paying attention to you children and being nonjudgmental in passing out the coats. She wasn't passing over kids based on preconceived notions of who could afford and who couldn't afford such items. A couple of your kids coats looked worn. The teacher had coats to hand out. The teacher had NO idea you were buying the kids coats for Christmas. The teacher was being thoughtful and trying to help your girls with something that they had donated. The teacher does not know your financial situation, she wasn't passing judgment on you, she was simply being kind. Your older girl didn't need one, but they probably didn't want to leave her out. I would thank the teacher profusely and let her know that you had already purchased coats for the kids for Christmas. Then pass on the unused coats to others or hold onto them for next year to either pass down to the other kids or re-donate to a coat drive. Be thankful for the abundance, graciousness of others and for the fact that you don't need them. Pass it on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I see it as a pretty simple situation. I would not be annoyed, I would be appreciative that the teacher was paying attention to you children and being nonjudgmental in passing out the coats. She wasn't passing over kids based on preconceived notions of who could afford and who couldn't afford such items. A couple of your kids coats looked worn. The teacher had coats to hand out. The teacher had NO idea you were buying the kids coats for Christmas. The teacher was being thoughtful and trying to help your girls with something that they had donated. The teacher does not know your financial situation, she wasn't passing judgment on you, she was simply being kind. Your older girl didn't need one, but they probably didn't want to leave her out. I would thank the teacher profusely and let her know that you had already purchased coats for the kids for Christmas. Then pass on the unused coats to others or hold onto them for next year to either pass down to the other kids or re-donate to a coat drive. Be thankful for the abundance, graciousness of others and for the fact that you don't need them. Pass it on. I agree with this completely. Where I live everyone hands everything around. It's not considered charity, it's considered rehoming stuff. The teacher had some coats of this size for girls, she looked around, and bam! there were some girls, so she handed out the coats. I seriously doubt that she thought at all about the family's financial status. She just wanted to off-load some coats (I mean, honestly, from my POV a teacher has about a million things to do, managing used coats is not something she should be saddled with), so she did. She figured you'd keep the ones you like and pass on what you didn't. If you are concerned that the kids are looking shabby, pay more attention to that. If you don't want to keep the coats, send them to the thrift store. If you do want to keep the coats, keep them. Or do a combination of the two. But try not to get all paranoid about it. They're just coats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I asked the teachers pointedly if there was ANYONE else in the school who needed the coats and they said no. DD 11, 9, and 7 love their coats so it would be terrible to make them hand them back. Their old coats aren't really donatable and the ones that would be, I was going to hand down. Since you asked and they said they had plenty of coats for everyone, I'd keep them and either return the coats you bought for Christmas and get shoes or sweaters or something else they need or donate your surplus. I'm not surprised they had extra coats, it seems to me kid's seasonal clothing doesn't usually wear out before it's outgrown so there's a whole bunch of stuff to be donated, probably more than can be used by just the kids who truly need it. I wouldn't feel guilty about it, you'll put it to good use before it looks dated. I've sometimes gotten things donated to GW's school even though none of the kids there are needy. I just consider it a kindness to families who have a hardship, even though it's not financial and try to remind myself not to feel guilty over something that was freely given. Enjoy the coats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I think I would see this situation as a great teaching moment for my children: "Look at these beautiful coats. The people who owned them couldn't use them anymore, so they gave them to people who could enjoy them. I wonder what we have in the house that we don't really need or don't use anymore, than someone else might appreciate having?" Then I would go through the house/the children's rooms with them and find things to donate. I bet there is a shelter or other organization in the area that would be grateful for the extra coats you now have and more. Keep whichever coats you like best and donate the others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 This was basically how I was raised. I try to fight that thought, but it's hard. I would not take donated stuff unless I truly needed it. And I would be highly offended to have someone perceive I needed it. Again, I can reason that my thinking is not entirely right, but I still feel that way. I feel this way too. It's the way I was raised as well. I think the point of giving the coats to all children is for exactly this reason. The children who really need the assistance aren't singled out. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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