ktgrok Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Anyone else already on pins and needles about this? Last year went VERY badly, and in our history he's had more bad years than good. Suprises/change in routine/extra people, more noise/expectations of gratitude....none of it works real well for him. This year I'm prepping him, we've discussed how to respond to gifts, practiced (he HATES this but tough), etc. But still, little things sneak out and he just sounds like an ungrateful brat. He's NOT an ungrateful brat, but he doesn't understand why talking about how he will probably return some of his gifts for cash, with the person who will be giving the gfit (me) is rude rude rude. Sigh. So I told him there is a 24 hour rule...he has to act happy about any gift he gets as he is opening it and then can't return it or talk about returning it for a full 24 hours. I explained that for many the best part of christmas is the giving and that he ruins that for them when he makes it clear he didn't like the gift. But even then he started quizzing me because he wants a very specific leatherman tool. We'd already gotten him a different one before he asked for this one. I told him that he did ask very late, and that he needs to act grateful even if he gets something a bit different. He started quizzing trying to find out exactly what he was getting because he wanted to order with his own money the one he asked for. I reminded him of the 24 hour rule and he said "but I haven't gotten the gift yet so that doesn't apply yet." ugh. I guess I'm just whining about how hard it is to have to keep having all this discussion, come up with guidelines, etc every stinking holiday. I just want a fun, happy holiday. ONE christmas where I don't end up embarrassed or yelling. (actually, I think there was one, once). and now vent over, I'm going to go back to being very happy about all the blessings I do have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 My ds16's issue is his lack of emotion and facial expressions. He can look like he's feeling indifferent when inside he's really happy. Last year we gave him a flat screen tv for his video game hobby and he acted as excited as if I had given him socks. I don't know why it surprised me, but I did feel disappointed. This year I'm totally prepared for his small reactions. Last year I talked with my mom to help her understand why he doesn't react with jumping up and down excitement, I guess I should talk to her about it again. We just can't make a big deal out of his gifts because he doesn't like attention drawn to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I *get* what you're saying. My aspie is almost 10 and this sounds like something that would happen with him. It's hard b/c many times, they just don't get it. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...(think finding Nemo here). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 You can say over and over again that the best part of the holiday is the giving, but for him surprise gifts may be the very worst part. What helped the most was to just stick with the list for our kiddo who didn't like surprises. One year when it was very, very bad we just included the child in the shopping, the wrapping, and together we stashed the gifts under their own bed. Sticking with the list reduced the pre-holiday angst in a huge way and reduced embarrassing scenes. Yes, removing the surprise may lessen the joy for Mom and Dad, but I came to see it as part of the gift I gave to my child during the holidays. Of course we couldn't control everything, such as what came in from all the relatives, but controlling the biggest part of it helped provide needed emotional stability to be able to deal with the unexpected. What we worked out for those situations was drilling to say thank you and then tell mom about any disappointment in secret (Drill words were: If you get anything you don't want, say THANK YOU and tell mom about it quietly.) Being able to express disappointment right away helped vent some of those feelings instead of them bubbling under the surface greatly minimized outbursts and explosions. My heart goes out to those of you dealing with children who struggle during the holidays. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 It is important to explain that the "thank you" is not for the gift, but for the work the gifter put in, going to the stores, paying with hard earned money, wrapping it, even keeping quiet about it. Regardless of the gift - good gift, bad gift - , that work is always the same and it's important to thank the people for it. We've gone through years where we were rich, and the kids got lots of expensive gifts. And then lean years. The gifts were no longer wow gifts, but the work put into getting gifts under the tree was the same (actually more work, but I didn't get into that). it helped both my Asperger and my non Asperger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 We don't do Christmas with others, but last year didn't go all that well either. The surprise gifts WE picked were met with a "Hey, I didn't ask for this. This is poorly rated on Amazon." and a toss to the side. We had a talk with him after he had calmed down (over an hour later). This year we told him to put stuff on his wishlist from Amazon so I would know EXACTLY what he wanted. We set a dollar amount. He filled his wishlist to the exact dollar amount and stopped. I tried to explain that he can put more in his wishlist and we will choose from it. He said, "Why would I do that? You told me I can have $XX amount, and that is what I want." Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I'm not sure I'm getting it. Why didn't you just take back the tool you got which isn't the one he wants, and get him the one he wants so he is genuinely happy on Christmas morning instead of having to pretend to be happy? It seems odd to me that you are spending so much time and effort teaching him how to lie when all that is needed is to get what he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I posted this last year too, but I saw an idea in a magazine once where the mom went around and found all kinds of crazy gifts and then wrapped them up. The kids each had to say "thank you" and something nice about the gift. She had 1 tic tac in a huge box, a used napkin...that kind of stuff. I've done it with my son and it's so crazy that it is fun for the kids instead of disappointing. It was good practice for how to respond to a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I think these are gifts from OTHER people if I am reading this correctly. I'm not sure I'm getting it. Why didn't you just take back the tool you got which isn't the one he wants, and get him the one he wants so he is genuinely happy on Christmas morning instead of having to pretend to be happy? It seems odd to me that you are spending so much time and effort teaching him how to lie when all that is needed is to get what he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I think these are gifts from OTHER people if I am reading this correctly. Okay, I thought OP was concerned about the leatherman tool she got him not being the one he wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I tried to explain that he can put more in his wishlist and we will choose from it. He said, "Why would I do that? You told me I can have $XX amount, and that is what I want." I love this! Your ds and I think alike. I also really appreciate the practicality of doing this. The kids get what they want, you stay in budget, everyone's happy. I'd love to be able to turn my kids loose like this, but they're not quite there with their computer skills. I did have GW point to the gift he wanted from the Amazon website this year so I know that I got the exact plastic monster that he wants and we won't have a meltdown when we open presents. It works and makes everyone happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrg Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 We don't do Christmas with others, but last year didn't go all that well either. The surprise gifts WE picked were met with a "Hey, I didn't ask for this. This is poorly rated on Amazon." and a toss to the side. We had a talk with him after he had calmed down (over an hour later). This year we told him to put stuff on his wishlist from Amazon so I would know EXACTLY what he wanted. We set a dollar amount. He filled his wishlist to the exact dollar amount and stopped. I tried to explain that he can put more in his wishlist and we will choose from it. He said, "Why would I do that? You told me I can have $XX amount, and that is what I want." Sigh. :iagree: Using the wish list has settled this issue for us. Surprises in addition to the list are in the form of gift cards. My son is an adult now, and this is still the system except that he is now able to create a longer list and know that he will receive some of it---and that is enough surprise for us all! Merry Christmas! Enjoy your family. Love your ASD child! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 :grouphug: You're an amazing mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: No practical advice here. Just hugs. It's tough to be a mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 I'm not sure I'm getting it. Why didn't you just take back the tool you got which isn't the one he wants, and get him the one he wants so he is genuinely happy on Christmas morning instead of having to pretend to be happy? It seems odd to me that you are spending so much time and effort teaching him how to lie when all that is needed is to get what he wants. Because it was ordered online, and the one he wants is online as well, and there isn't time to return and make sure the new one is here by christmas. The one we picked out is equally as nice, and he may like it even better. If he doesn't we will exchange it after Christmas. EVERYTHING else that he asked for is exactly what he asked for. This last minute one is the only issue, and only available at one store online, etc etc. So realizing it might be an issue I warned him that he might be getting one slightly different, and that after christmas he can exchange it, but to say thank you and act appreciative when he gets it. But we did have him give us a christmas list, with links to what he wanted, and alternatives if the wished for thing was out of stock. We purchased from there, plus a few extras he didn't ask for but will like, like some graphic novels he has indicated he would like to read, and this leatherman as he had previously remarked he would like one some day. It was just now that he decided he wanted to add it to his list. HOpefully that makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 I posted this last year too, but I saw an idea in a magazine once where the mom went around and found all kinds of crazy gifts and then wrapped them up. The kids each had to say "thank you" and something nice about the gift. She had 1 tic tac in a huge box, a used napkin...that kind of stuff. I've done it with my son and it's so crazy that it is fun for the kids instead of disappointing. It was good practice for how to respond to a gift. Yup, we did that when he was younger, after a particularly disasterous year, lol. My mom came up with it. Goofus and Gallant cartoons were also very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Okay, I thought OP was concerned about the leatherman tool she got him not being the one he wanted. Sorry, I guess it was confusing. Mostly I'm worried about the gifts other people get him. The leatherman is the only gift from us I'm worried about, and that's why I warned him. Better to have the "discussion", upset, etc before hand, in private, than on christmas morning. But other people's gifts will still be a surprise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I'd try to keep celebrations as simple and short as possible. (kiss) It sounds hard on everyone. He has limitations and friends and family have expectations that he simply may not be able to meet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Sorry, I guess it was confusing. Mostly I'm worried about the gifts other people get him. The leatherman is the only gift from us I'm worried about, and that's why I warned him. Better to have the "discussion", upset, etc before hand, in private, than on christmas morning. But other people's gifts will still be a surprise. Okay, I get it now. Yes I was confused. Truly I read it like Christmas morning was nothing but a lesson in how to handle frustration. I couldn't help but think "no wonder he is frustrated." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Won't help this year, but why don't you show him in advance what he is getting for Christmas, at least from you and your family? I hate suprises myself, and last year caused something of a stink when three people got me tea kettles and every one was NOT the one I wanted. ( I could have held it in for one or two, but three?!) It would have been so, so much better if I could convince the DH and MIL to do what I do when it comes to picking out gifts for my 9 year olds, one of whom is hFA. We shop online together. I will pull up what they have asked for and we decide if they really want that, how much it costs (so we can find other options if need be), decide who will be bringing the gift (Should Santa bring this? :tongue_smilie: ) and then I will order it only after it has passed muster. No suprises. I can't always get the MIL to do this, but even she made the great choice on her own to take both boys shopping for their birthday so that they could pick out exactly what they wanted. Best birthday ever. And no trouble getting a display of gratitude and happiness because it was real. Now if I can just somehow convince DH, and MIL that this is how I want them to get gifts for me.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Asperger's puts a whole different spin on your world, doesn't it? While I am not on the spectrum I have begun to see that maybe it's the NTs (neurotypicals) who "don't get it". For instance,if you don't like someone's gift,why should you pretend that you do? A simple Thank You should suffice. Granted getting an Aspie to not say, "I may exchange this" can be difficult but remember, to them the world is black and white, no gray, so why shouldn't they make their intents crystal clear? True, we're taught that isn't polite and it may take years, if ever, to get our Aspergers loved ones to understand this concept. Keep in mind, too, that you can try to explain Asperger's until your face turns blue and some NTs just.won't.get.it. Love your son for who he is. Love him for how his brain works differently. And point out to family what you admire about him. Then they might look at him in a different (better) light too. Mama, I'm sorry you always find yourself explaining things on Christmas. I will pray that your son is accepting of your gift and truly does understand that perhaps he should have asked earlier. As for him wanting to buy it with his own money, you may wish to say something like, "Christmas is on Tuesday. Please wait until then to see what presents you receive. Perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised. And please remember to follow the 24 hour rule." HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMommy Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I first read this poem a few years ago, and it helped me, knowing that other parents with children on the spectrum "get it," even if others don't. I hope it helps others feel less alone at this time of year, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 We have this too. He has little reaction if he does like it and reacts poorly if something isn't exactly what he had in mind. Last year his old iPod nano broke. We explained it wasn't made anymore but we could get him a new one. He refused. Didn't want anything if it was different. DH wouldn't listen and got him a new one. Ds gave it to his sister because it wasn't what he wanted. This year he is getting cash. He knows it and is fine with it. I have trained him to say thank you but it will never sound sincere. Even if he means it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Sorry, I guess it was confusing. Mostly I'm worried about the gifts other people get him. The leatherman is the only gift from us I'm worried about, and that's why I warned him. Better to have the "discussion", upset, etc before hand, in private, than on christmas morning. But other people's gifts will still be a surprise. One thing that I've tried to keep at the front of my mind is that to make progress in any area of difficulty, it's important to take small steps and to nudge them along when they are emotionally ready. At my house that looks like gifts will be from your list but mom and dad get to choose stocking stuff for everyone. I always keep it within the range of something I'm certain will be liked, but it helps in taking forward steps in places like this where the stakes aren't as high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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