Mandy in TN Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I sort of feel like Alice in front of the caterpillar. "Who are you?" Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 No advice, really. But, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have a lot of experience in this...:) My half sister found me after we had been seperated for 28 years. It has been a real blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 No advice either. I would probably try to make contact through facebook or some other online source, just to be supportive to a sibling who grew up missing a parent. But that is just what I would do. I am assuming the sibling is in Vietnam, and Vietnam is cheap to visit once you get there but plane tickets are expensive so I could not see just going to visit someone unless I had a long online relationship with them first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 My husband was 42 years old when he first met his biological father, and his two brothers. ( His grandfather and grandmother adopted him, his mom was in and out. But never a custodial parent. ) His brother older by 4 years contacted him, and he did go to meet them. It is an amazing relationship with the oldest brother, the other and he have no connection really but he does regularly ask about him. He only saw his father on two vacations before he passed. I would write, explain what you know, and state that if the sibling wishes no more contact just to let you know. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship, who knows? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 :grouphug: My family isn't terribly close so the pull to "confront" the father wouldn't occur to me, especially if I didn't think it would do anything but provoke him to spin a story. Do you feel like you need the closure of talking to this person who is "probably" a half-sibling? Without knowing for sure, emailing someone in another country at work might just get it labelled weird spam and not replied to. I don't know your family history or what circumstances this person was fathered so it's hard to say how anyone would react. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have a 1/2 sister that I have met twice. I have known that she existed since I was 14 or so but didn't meet until I was in my mid 30s. She was my father's daughter before he married my mother. We have a fine relationship but not close. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Personally, I believe everyone has a right to know where they came from. What they do with that info is a personal choice....but you will never know unless you try. If this was a child conceived during Vietnam years....well he/she would probably welcome a peek into his family tree in the US. Or at least I would. Apparently some people have no desire to meet their bio family....but still you won't know until you try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have a lot of experience in this...:) My half sister found me after we had been seperated for 28 years. It has been a real blessing. My dh found my 1/2 siblings and birthmom 6 months ago. It has been a roller coaster, but a good one. I have met my siblings and my birthmom as well as nieces and nephews. Everyone has been loving, kind and respectful of the situation. We are all somewhat broken, but healing as well. It was a lot to take in, but having my sisters in my life has made it all worth it. My 1/2 brother is somewhat distant and birthmom has issues, but has been sweet and loving....and never misses a chance to tell me she loves me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I would write, explain what you know, and state that if the sibling wishes no more contact just to let you know. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship, who knows? This seems like a nice middle ground. You open the door a bit but the other person gets to decide whether to pursue it. Some people probably want to know as much as possible, while others might prefer to be in the dark. If your dad isn't forthcoming with this info, how in the world did you find a half sibling on the other side of the world? You must be a good detective!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 My dh found my 1/2 siblings and birthmom 6 months ago. It has been a roller coaster, but a good one. I have met my siblings and my birthmom as well as nieces and nephews. Everyone has been loving, kind and respectful of the situation. We are all somewhat broken, but healing as well. It was a lot to take in, but having my sisters in my life has made it all worth it. My 1/2 brother is somewhat distant and birthmom has issues, but has been sweet and loving....and never misses a chance to tell me she loves me. I admit there has been some roller coaster moments in my situation too. My bio dad got custody of my sister when she was 18 months old and raised her by himself/later with step mom....But he would not even claim me. My mom never pressed that issue AT ALL.....never asked for a thing from him...she contacted him twice before I turned 18 and one of those times was when I was 15 and asked to meet him (that is when I met my sister who was 11 and that is when she learned of my existance). So he convinced himself I wasn't his I guess. There is a real disconnect between a man who raised oned daughter---she says he was/is a good dad to her....but wouldn't claim me. Now he is old and sober and there is a deer in the head light look about him when he sees me.....I KNOW he regrets how little he did for me. But I am kind to him when I see him--mostly for my sister's sake because she loves him so much. She has a LOT of resentment toward him that he kept us apart. But she says she wants to move forward not look back ward. I see her at least twice a year. We bonded when we were 11/15 and never forgot each other. When she first told our dad that she had contacted me he said, 'now dd, you don't know---' She interuptted him and said, 'I do know Dad. I've known since I was 11--there is NO doubt she is my sister. And this is not about you. It is about her and me.' Later he was looking at pics of me and she said, 'see doesn't she look like Aunt Pat? ' He says, 'aunt Pat hell, she looks like me!' LOL. And it is true.....*I* look more like him than my sister does. That is Karma for ya I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 This seems like a nice middle ground. You open the door a bit but the other person gets to decide whether to pursue it. Some people probably want to know as much as possible, while others might prefer to be in the dark. If your dad isn't forthcoming with this info, how in the world did you find a half sibling on the other side of the world? You must be a good detective!! This is what I want to know as well! You are good OP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 This seems like a nice middle ground. You open the door a bit but the other person gets to decide whether to pursue it. Some people probably want to know as much as possible, while others might prefer to be in the dark. If your dad isn't forthcoming with this info, how in the world did you find a half sibling on the other side of the world? You must be a good detective!! So, not much of a detective. Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 How unique is your father's name? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Ok, well this is good info....you know that this person is looking for info. I would DEFINITELY contact them. I assume the dates match up with when your father was in that part of the world? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have done nothing and said nothing. I have about 5, maybe more. One is here in our state, and he knows he was adopted and he may know--his parents do--that his birth mother is here. It is up to him. Plus, it's not just ME finding him, it would bring in my step brother, my step father, HIS siblings? This is not my box to open. The others are in Brazil and know about me. And that is something I think about often and with much gravity as to how it would impact my family and theirs. This is not a little hullo, this is galaxies impacting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Since the person is looking for info, definitely make contact! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Plus, it's not just ME finding him, it would bring in my step brother, my step father, HIS siblings? This is not my box to open. The others are in Brazil and know about me. And that is something I think about often and with much gravity as to how it would impact my family and theirs. This is not a little hullo, this is galaxies impacting. I just don't relate well at all to the bolded. If people have told lies and hidden facts---facts like human beings--then that is their problem. If I have relatives I want to find---it is definitely my box to open. I recognize you have the right to feel differently...but I just don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 How unique is your father's name? not particularly unique Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I would definitely contact them. You can go in cautiously.....Once you hear their story you will know more if it is probably true or not. Do you feel like your father knows of this child's existance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 This person posted on a genealogy forum stating their name, including using my father's last name as their own, looking for info. Another relative that I assume has reliable info says that my father is on this person's birth certificate. The only contact info I see online is work related. So, not much of a detective. Mandy She may just want family history, or medical history. I think under these circumstances she is looking for info, if you are comfortable giving that info and possibly a relationship if only through phone or email then you might as well contact her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I'd contact them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyLady Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Even though I haven't had any success with meeting family I discovered later in life (meaning, the ones I've met turned out to be people I'd rather not know I'm related to), I would still say to contact them this person. I'd rather know than not know if they wanted to know about me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 When I google image this person, I get numerous photos. It is difficult to deny that there is a resemblance. Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I'd contact the person since they've already appeared to have taken the first step in seeking out others. Does your dad even know this person exists? I don't think I'd confront dad unless you knew for certain he was deliberately keeping information from you, and even then I'd be gentle about it if you don't know the circumstances that were involved. My half-brother tracked down our mom when he was 16; I was 18 and had no idea he existed. She explained the situation and told me she had signed away her parental rights when he was born, giving full custody to his dad. To be honest, I can't fault her for making the choice she did, b/c she did what she felt was best for both of her kids at that point in her life. I'm glad he found us and we've seen each other a few times. My younger brothers (half-brothers by my adopted/stepdad) are much closer to him than I am. Mom has met him a few times but chooses to not have a relationship with him. While I know it bugs my brother, he accepts Mom's choice and is happy he at least has us and his nephews. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Contact them. My mother is the daughter from the first marriage. She has two half-brothers and two half-sister from her father, and one half-sister from her mother. She's the oldest of the lot of them. Her father was not part of her life at all, his choice. His sister, her aunt, kept in contact with us and told us all about what was going on in his life. The story was that his second wife didn't want her daughters to know about my mom and the first marriage. When he died my mom decided to go to the funeral. I went with her as emotional and physical back-up. She looks just like her siblings, and just like their father. After the funeral we stood around a bit and a man walked up to us. He thanked us for coming and asked how we knew his dad. Mom was gonna blow, but calmly said through the Marines (that's how her parents met). Her half-brother asked her name, and she gave it. He started crying, and called over all the siblings, crying her name over and over. Then they all started crying and hugging her and saying that they had known about her for years and always wanted to know her. Not the reception we had been expecting over the decades. Everyone has been super wise and left the past in the past. We're all pretty tight on Facebook now since distance separates us so much. For all of the children involved it has been healing. None of us know why my grandfather kept everyone apart, and his second wife isn't talking. We've decided we don't care and make the most of today. Not all reunions are this wonderful, but it's worth taking the chance for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Contact them. My mother is the daughter from the first marriage. She has two half-brothers and two half-sister from her father, and one half-sister from her mother. She's the oldest of the lot of them. Her father was not part of her life at all, his choice. His sister, her aunt, kept in contact with us and told us all about what was going on in his life. The story was that his second wife didn't want her daughters to know about my mom and the first marriage. When he died my mom decided to go to the funeral. I went with her as emotional and physical back-up. She looks just like her siblings, and just like their father. After the funeral we stood around a bit and a man walked up to us. He thanked us for coming and asked how we knew his dad. Mom was gonna blow, but calmly said through the Marines (that's how her parents met). Her half-brother asked her name, and she gave it. He started crying, and called over all the siblings, crying her name over and over. Then they all started crying and hugging her and saying that they had known about her for years and always wanted to know her. Not the reception we had been expecting over the decades. Everyone has been super wise and left the past in the past. We're all pretty tight on Facebook now since distance separates us so much. For all of the children involved it has been healing. None of us know why my grandfather kept everyone apart, and his second wife isn't talking. We've decided we don't care and make the most of today. Not all reunions are this wonderful, but it's worth taking the chance for it. And it is stories like the above that highlight the importance of not keeping secrets. Makes me appreciate my mom who ALWAYS told me the truth no matter how painful it was for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 This happened with FIL a few years ago. The half siblings came out of the woodwork. We suddenly had 2 half-aunts and a half-uncle dh never knew about. Strange thing was that the regular aunt he'd known his whole life knew about them, had lived in the same house as them for a few years and still no one talked about them. Holly, Cheryl and the half-uncle. Oh and they were by way of FIL's mother. Interesting for the time, the dad to the half-relations was black (we're not). That was the more shocking thing than the fact they were out there. By way of age it's FIL, aunt, uncle, half aunt, half aunt, half uncle. FIL was living with his grandparents at the time and somehow never heard about them. But everyone connected on facebook and made plans to meet. I don't know if the half relations ever made it to see their mom, but I know no one has ever made it east to see FIL. It's almost as if they came out of the woodwork and then went back in, except we are all still FB friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 When he died my mom decided to go to the funeral. I went with her as emotional and physical back-up. She looks just like her siblings, and just like their father. After the funeral we stood around a bit and a man walked up to us. He thanked us for coming and asked how we knew his dad. Mom was gonna blow, but calmly said through the Marines (that's how her parents met). Her half-brother asked her name, and she gave it. He started crying, and called over all the siblings, crying her name over and over. Then they all started crying and hugging her and saying that they had known about her for years and always wanted to know her. This also makes me think of my cousin who went to a funeral and saw a man who looked so much like her own late father that she KNEW they were related somehow. She walked right up to him and said, 'mister I don't know your name but you and I are related.' She gave him her phone number and said, 'if there is anyway you figure out how it might be call me.' He was pleasant....told her his parents names and went his way. As soon as he left my cousin's uncle came up and said, 'what are you doing talking to him?' And a few minutes a friend of her late dad's came up and said, 'leave the past dead and buried.' She said, 'I'm not dead and neither is he! Clearly there is something to this or you two wouldn't be acting so weird!' So the man she sought out went home and got to thinking.....his dad (the man he thought was his dad!) was dead and his mom was in the hospital. He waited til she got out and was home and gently confronted her...'now mama you know how much I respect you and I would never accuse you of doing something wrong, but I have to know the truth.' She burst into tears and spilled it! So her 40 year old son found out that day who his biological father was. Apparently the bio, a few of his brothers and the man who raised the boy all knew the truth. And I guess that secret would have gone to the grave of everyone who knew if my cousin had not confronted them all. That story gives me chills. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I would definitely contact the person and try to sort things out and determine if you are half siblings. I wouldn't act pushy about it and I would be fully prepared not to get an enthusiastic response, just so I wouldn't be crestfallen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherri in MI Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Wow, Mandy. That must be shocking. I think once the shock wears off, ask yourself what you want to do. I think it's important for you to decide what you want to do and what you expect. You are an adult, you have a right to do what you want (or not do whatever you don't want to do) in this regard as long as you wouldn't intentionally hurt someone. If you want to know about your sibling and your sibling wants to know about the family, then make contact. Just know what you expect going into it and what you're willing to offer or not - what your boundaries are. It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, it may not. I have a half sibling that I only met 2x and the second time was at my birth father's funeral. I don't think either one of us has an interest in a relationship, but there is also not bad blood between us. We are just strangers. 2 of my other 3 siblings are half, but we grew up together and I am very close to one of them. So you just never know. As far as "confronting" your father, I wouldn't confront him per se, but if you want to know his version of things, if you want to know his story about this child. If he tells you great, if he doens't, you have to be okay with that too. I'll be very curious to know what you do and how it turns out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 So, not much of a detective. Mandy If that person has this much info wouldn't you think if they wanted contact they'd have done it by now? You are faced with a difficult decision. I can't say with 100% certainty that if there was a half sib out there somewhere that I'd want to know. And I'd resent the person who was trying to push in. But we all know I'm not normal in many ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 If that person has this much info wouldn't you think if they wanted contact they'd have done it by now? You are faced with a difficult decision. I can't say with 100% certainty that if there was a half sib out there somewhere that I'd want to know. And I'd resent the person who was trying to push in. But we all know I'm not normal in many ways. This is so surprising to me! You would resent a sibling who reached out? As far as why they haven't done it by now? Probably because they fear such a reaction. That is why they put info on a message board...feeling out how they might be received. I know with my own sister I reached out for YEARS to our father and our aunt. They would tell me they didn't know where she was or that they would tell her I called and if she wanted contact she would. And she left messages for me on a reunion site that I never got. So both of us were left wondering....is she getting my messages or does she just not want to speak with me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 If that person has this much info wouldn't you think if they wanted contact they'd have done it by now? You are faced with a difficult decision. I can't say with 100% certainty that if there was a half sib out there somewhere that I'd want to know. And I'd resent the person who was trying to push in. But we all know I'm not normal in many ways. Nah, I don't turn up under my maiden name in internet searches. I haven't used my maiden name in over 20 years and I live over 200 miles from where I was born. For example, my high school has never found me to contact me about reunions. My parents have not been together since I was in preschool, she has remarried, and I have never lived in the same state as my father. People who have tight relationships with the person who raised them sometimes feel like it would be a betrayal to look into these things no matter how curious they are. Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 DH and I talk about this often. He has recently learned that he has many, as in more than 3, full siblings. He is (would be) the eldest of many. The siblings don't have a clue he exists. He is respecting the privacy of his birthparents, because that's the type of person he is. I can see the pain though, and the longing to reach out. Really, when does this story become his? In some ways, it still feels like it is his birthparents' story - their secret. DH is in his 40s. He has 3 awesome kids, an amazing career, he is a great person. That's because of his family, his real family, the one that raised him - but he sure would like the opportunity to connect with these birth relatives. Any of them. It would mean so much. So... All that to say that if you were to reach out to someone like my DH - he'd be thrilled! I think, since you know this person is looking, you have your "in." Just do it. :) At some point, this becomes your story, your half-sibling's story, and it moves beyond your father. (I like the idea of including an out, too, and letting them know that you are okay if they don't want contact. Being clear with yourself on your reasons for wanting contact is a good idea, too, just for yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I can't say with 100% certainty that if there was a half sib out there somewhere that I'd want to know. And I'd resent the person who was trying to push in. (Oops! Posted too soon.) Oh dear. The above is exactly DH's fear, re: his full siblings. He understands why some might feel that way, though. That, and his efforts to respect his birthparents' wishes keep him silent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 (Oops! Posted too soon.) Oh dear. The above is exactly DH's fear, re: his full siblings. He understands why some might feel that way, though. That, and his efforts to respect his birthparents' wishes keep him silent. But as you can see I'm strongly in the minority. I think most people would want to know. And to be perfectly honest I wouldn't mind knowing. I just don't want the drama that would be associated with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 This is so surprising to me! You would resent a sibling who reached out? As far as why they haven't done it by now? Probably because they fear such a reaction. That is why they put info on a message board...feeling out how they might be received. I know with my own sister I reached out for YEARS to our father and our aunt. They would tell me they didn't know where she was or that they would tell her I called and if she wanted contact she would. And she left messages for me on a reunion site that I never got. So both of us were left wondering....is she getting my messages or does she just not want to speak with me? I don't think I'd resent the person so much as the ensuing drama. If such a person were to contact me and agreed to keep it between us I'd be okay with it. But to invite what would inevitably come along with the sib, yeah, I wouldn't look forward to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Oh, and to add to the mix, I do have a full sib that I was raised with. We don't communicate except once a year when I send him an Amazon gift card and he sends me an Amazon gift card for Christmas. It is quite sad. But we do it because our mother expects it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 But as you can see I'm strongly in the minority. I think most people would want to know. And to be perfectly honest I wouldn't mind knowing. I just don't want the drama that would be associated with it. It's a tough situation. Avoiding the drama would be tricky. DH thinks there could be fear that he is trying to ... I don't know, become part of the unit or that he wants something from them... When I think all he wants is to look at someone who looks like him, and maybe get to know them - like an extended family member, at best - like the 3rd cousin once removed one might see once in a while, if that makes sense. OP, didn't mean to hijack! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I don't think I'd resent the person so much as the ensuing drama. If such a person were to contact me and agreed to keep it between us I'd be okay with it. But to invite what would inevitably come along with the sib, yeah, I wouldn't look forward to that. I don't guess I see the drama that would ensue. Unless it means that infidelity would come to light....and yes that could be painful, but even if I was the innocent wife, I would still want to know. Then again, I don't do secrets well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 It's a tough situation. Avoiding the drama would be tricky. DH thinks there could be fear that he is trying to ... I don't know, become part of the unit or that he wants something from them... When I think all he wants is to look at someone who looks like him, and maybe get to know them - like an extended family member, at best - like the 3rd cousin once removed one might see once in a while, if that makes sense. OP, didn't mean to hijack! See, even in my most cynical state I'd be okay with sharing inheritances and meeting a new sib. But in all honestly all I want is peace in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I don't guess I see the drama that would ensue. Unless it means that infidelity would come to light....and yes that could be painful, but even if I was the innocent wife, I would still want to know. Then again, I don't do secrets well. You don't know my mother. I'd be forced to chose sides. It would be ugly. And every time I visited new sib, it would be like a slap in the face to mom and I'd have to hear about it again and again and again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 If it was the result of an affair my father had then no, I would not. I would feel it was disrespectful to my mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 If it was the result of an affair my father had then no, I would not. I would feel it was disrespectful to my mother. My situation was not as a result of an affair. So I guess I can see that point of view....but really I still think siblings have a right to know each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 It's one of those highly personal situations. First thing to figure out is what YOU are ok w/. What is it you want? Don't want? And take it from there. Wolf grew up as an only, found birth sibs in his 30s. None are close, only 2 he has occasional contact w/. There are 7 located. Major drama w/some (drug addicts, etc) I have a sib that was raised by my mother's ex dh. No contact. Genetics is no guarantee of a positive outcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I have a half brother and 2 half sisters out there. I know some basic information about them, and minimal information about their relationship breach with our dad. I do get the urge to make contact, but I haven't, don't know if I will... If they contacted me I'd be happy to talk. Good luck OP. Eta, I feel similarly to Parrot head, I just can't take on any more drama right now, & I'm sure it would cause some in my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 It's one of those highly personal situations. First thing to figure out is what YOU are ok w/. What is it you want? Don't want? And take it from there. Wolf grew up as an only, found birth sibs in his 30s. None are close, only 2 he has occasional contact w/. There are 7 located. Major drama w/some (drug addicts, etc) I have a sib that was raised by my mother's ex dh. No contact. Genetics is no guarantee of a positive outcome. I know. When I found my sister but couldn't get the nerve up to contact her that was part of my fear....what if she is a crack head! Then I felt bad when I later told her I had that though because she said she knew I would be a good person because of her memory of me when she was 11. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 You don't know my mother. I'd be forced to chose sides. It would be ugly. And every time I visited new sib, it would be like a slap in the face to mom and I'd have to hear about it again and again and again. :grouphug: Then you get a pass! :) That would be brutal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 He is respecting the privacy of his birthparents, because that's the type of person he is. I can see the pain though, and the longing to reach out. Really, when does this story become his? Exactly. And eventually he may get to the point where he thinks, like my sister finally did, 'hey this isn't about you (our dad, your dh's bio parents) this is about ME and MY siblings.' Our dad backed off immediately when she stood up to him. Now he treats me fondly...my sister wishes we would be close...but I can't force that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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