So Discouraged

[canadianmomtofour]

I am feeling really discouraged with this homeschooling thing! I want to put them in school.......I think. I am worn out, pulled in a thousand directions, and have lost my confidence. I never feel I am giving enough, be it education, attention, extra-curricula, or just plain fun. In a lot of ways I feel trapped. My 4yo and 8yo would probably do really well in school, and I can see them enjoying the stimulation. My oldest, however, has HFA and I really can't envision him ever attending school. My 7yo has a learning disorder and an under-active thyroid which causes weight problems for him. That combo in a school setting could be a nightmare. I just want to be in a clean, quiet house, where the grocery shopping is done, the errands have been run, nobody is crying over a math lesson, and I can just be a mom. Right now I am just trying to get through it one day at a time. Is this just a phase? A mid-life crisis? Who else has felt like this and gotten to the other side?

[fraidycat]

Well, I haven't completely been where you are. But it is just a phase.

 

Errands and Groceries - That's what I have a husband for.

Clean house - maybe after the kids move out. :) Then again, maybe not.

Quiet house - it's overrated! Mine are outside playing with the neighbours right now and it's TOO quiet in here. LOL

Crying over a math lesson - Well, I don't have anything for that one. We get that here, too. Some days we push through, other days we play math games on the Ipad or read LOF and call it good. It just depends on the reason for the tears and whining.

[Anne in CA]

I can see having some kids in school and some kids at home. It really depends on the kid in question. Don't feel bad about doing what you need to do to be sane, but no one ever gets a total package. Ever. I have learned never to be jealous of anyone who seems to because they always seem to be caught out in the worst ways at some point.

[Lolly]

I am feeling really discouraged with this homeschooling thing! I want to put them in school.......I think. I am worn out, pulled in a thousand directions, and have lost my confidence. I never feel I am giving enough, be it education, attention, extra-curricula, or just plain fun. In a lot of ways I feel trapped. My 4yo and 8yo would probably do really well in school, and I can see them enjoying the stimulation. My oldest, however, has HFA and I really can't envision him ever attending school. My 7yo has a learning disorder and an under-active thyroid which causes weight problems for him. That combo in a school setting could be a nightmare. I just want to be in a clean, quiet house, where the grocery shopping is done, the errands have been run, nobody is crying over a math lesson, and I can just be a mom. Right now I am just trying to get through it one day at a time. Is this just a phase? A mid-life crisis? Who else has felt like this and gotten to the other side?

 

I'm afraid it is normal. Unfortunately, if you send the kids to school, you can have a clean house; until they get home. The grocery shopping done; okay, you could get that done! Errands run; only so many hours in the day. It might keep the house from getting clean. The crying over math; it will be delayed until they come home from school and have homework to do. Now, you get to deal with crying over math while trying to get dinner cooked or get everyone to --- practice. Yes, I have felt like you do now. There is a season to it, but it is more to do with the adult than the child. Sometimes, it bothers us more than other times. I am at the other side now. I realize that it is okay for the house to not be very clean. I can now send the kids to run the errands. I know that everything I plan for school will not be done. I don't stress over it so much. I sent a kid off to college. One that I didn't think would make it. She has almost a 4.0 average. I guess those missed lessons didn't matter. I taught her to learn. It will be alright.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I am feeling really discouraged with this homeschooling thing! I want to put them in school.......I think. I am worn out, pulled in a thousand directions, and have lost my confidence. I never feel I am giving enough, be it education, attention, extra-curricula, or just plain fun. In a lot of ways I feel trapped. My 4yo and 8yo would probably do really well in school, and I can see them enjoying the stimulation. My oldest, however, has HFA and I really can't envision him ever attending school. My 7yo has a learning disorder and an under-active thyroid which causes weight problems for him. That combo in a school setting could be a nightmare. I just want to be in a clean, quiet house, where the grocery shopping is done, the errands have been run, nobody is crying over a math lesson, and I can just be a mom. Right now I am just trying to get through it one day at a time. Is this just a phase? A mid-life crisis? Who else has felt like this and gotten to the other side?

 

Do you go day to day putting out fires, then falling into bed weepy and ready to throw in the towel?

 

Do you have a schedule? A routine? Do you have a plan? Do the kids have chores? Do they know what is expected of them and do they do it without you having to be on them about it? Do you have a system for discipline in place? Do they have quiet time in the afternoon? Is your spouse helpful?

 

I have not been exactly where you are (and I don't have a preschooler while homeschooling older kids, which I know is huge). However, I have been overwhelmed, with a sense of constantly juggling and never just being. Now I am being. And loving being. I am a homeschooler, a mom, a wife, myself...because I schedule and plan. I have planned everything that needs to get done down to the most minor detail and a great deal of my work is on auto-pilot.

 

What does your day look like and what are your biggest struggles, specifically? What curricula do you use? Maybe we can brainstorm a plan. I think feeling trapped is a symptom of feeling powerless against your struggles and you can take power back. The holidays are a great time to break and get things under control.

 

If your heart isn't in homeschooling, that's one thing. But if planning is what is getting in the way, that's totally fixable. :)

[MrsH]

I have planned everything that needs to get done down to the most minor detail and a great deal of my work is on auto-pilot.

 

 

 

 

What does that look like for you? I'm constantly trying to figure out the right plan, but then it's actually getting up and doing it that's the problem! How do you find both the motivation and the discipline to do the plan? Consistently? Or is that not what you mean? :)

[LMD]

What does that look like for you? I'm constantly trying to figure out the right plan, but then it's actually getting up and doing it that's the problem! How do you find both the motivation and the discipline to do the plan? Consistently? Or is that not what you mean? :)

 

 

This is almost exactly what I was going to write!

 

Kristina, I came back especially to ask for more information about your post. Were you previously disorganized? What sort of planning did you do, literally every detail? How did you transition to actually following your plan? I've been putting together a schedule for next year and I had the inkling that I may need to schedule down to minor details, at least initially, otherwise I'd be lost before I started. And when I feel overwhelmed, I give up.

[UmMusa]

I am feeling really discouraged with this homeschooling thing! I want to put them in school.......I think. I am worn out, pulled in a thousand directions, and have lost my confidence. I never feel I am giving enough, be it education, attention, extra-curricula, or just plain fun. In a lot of ways I feel trapped. Who else has felt like this and gotten to the other side?

 

I felt like this a lot of last year and the beginning of this year. I put my eldest in 6th grade in public school b/c that was just then end of it for homeschool.

I read the book about organizing your home... what was it called.. Large Family Logistics. That helped.

 

I joined a CoOp and we go to one class every Wednesday which has cut up our week nicely.

 

I started a reward jar where I put marbles for when they do something well or without being asked, or if they just plain have a good day. This motivates them. The reward is lunch at Panera Bread (they love it).

 

I evaluated what I felt about homeschooling and feel fine putting my kids in public school if it seems it will be better for all of us. We have a good district, so that's not too worrisome.

 

I do kind of wish I could be more organized in the school-sphere and do neater projects and use more resources, but we can't do it all. I have a 3yr old, and all the house work and appointments... I'm just not going to stay up late doing school stuff.

[canadianmomtofour]

Do you go day to day putting out fires, then falling into bed weepy and ready to throw in the towel?

 

Do you have a schedule? A routine? Do you have a plan? Do the kids have chores? Do they know what is expected of them and do they do it without you having to be on them about it? Do you have a system for discipline in place? Do they have quiet time in the afternoon? Is your spouse helpful?

 

I have not been exactly where you are (and I don't have a preschooler while homeschooling older kids, which I know is huge). However, I have been overwhelmed, with a sense of constantly juggling and never just being. Now I am being. And loving being. I am a homeschooler, a mom, a wife, myself...because I schedule and plan. I have planned everything that needs to get done down to the most minor detail and a great deal of my work is on auto-pilot.

 

What does your day look like and what are your biggest struggles, specifically? What curricula do you use? Maybe we can brainstorm a plan. I think feeling trapped is a symptom of feeling powerless against your struggles and you can take power back. The holidays are a great time to break and get things under control.

 

If your heart isn't in homeschooling, that's one thing. But if planning is what is getting in the way, that's totally fixable. :)

 

Honestly, I am great at schedules, routine, and discipline. The family schedule is up on the wall. My kids are great, they do their work, not always cheerfully, but they do it. I have a reward system for school that they love. I school four days a week and do the fifth day on the weekend when dh is around for experiments/projects. I think that it is simply a matter of too much work for one person. My special needs boys require so much effort/time on my part for both academics and behavior that I am exhausted all the time.

 

A lot of it is my own insecurities about my ability to provide a quality education for them. This feeling is of course heightened by the fact that two of my kids are not progressing on track due to their issues. The voice in my head keeps telling me I am not good enough, and the schools could do better.

 

Part of it is that I never get a break. I just want to hide in my room with a good book, but dh has very little patience when dealing with the kids, so I end up jumping back in to calm everyone down. I don't want to leave the house, because I am an introvert, and that is not a break for me.

 

I feel incredibly sad at the thought of not homeschooling, both because I want it to work and I would feel like a failure for quitting. The voice in my head, and the stress is just winning right now.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Honestly, I am great at schedules, routine, and discipline. The family schedule is up on the wall. My kids are great, they do their work, not always cheerfully, but they do it. I have a reward system for school that they love. I school four days a week and do the fifth day on the weekend when dh is around for experiments/projects. I think that it is simply a matter of too much work for one person. My special needs boys require so much effort/time on my part for both academics and behavior that I am exhausted all the time.

 

A lot of it is my own insecurities about my ability to provide a quality education for them. This feeling is of course heightened by the fact that two of my kids are not progressing on track due to their issues. The voice in my head keeps telling me I am not good enough, and the schools could do better.

 

Part of it is that I never get a break. I just want to hide in my room with a good book, but dh has very little patience when dealing with the kids, so I end up jumping back in to calm everyone down. I don't want to leave the house, because I am an introvert, and that is not a break for me.

 

I feel incredibly sad at the thought of not homeschooling, both because I want it to work and I would feel like a failure for quitting. The voice in my head, and the stress is just winning right now.

 

:grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

What does that look like for you? I'm constantly trying to figure out the right plan, but then it's actually getting up and doing it that's the problem! How do you find both the motivation and the discipline to do the plan? Consistently? Or is that not what you mean? :)

This is almost exactly what I was going to write! Kristina, I came back especially to ask for more information about your post. Were you previously disorganized? What sort of planning did you do, literally every detail? How did you transition to actually following your plan? I've been putting together a schedule for next year and I had the inkling that I may need to schedule down to minor details, at least initially, otherwise I'd be lost before I started. And when I feel overwhelmed, I give up.

 

I used to be a bit more loosey-goosey than I wanted to be. It was quite an adjustment for me to make the transition from mom to homeschool mom because I was a very relaxed mom to babies/toddlers/preschoolers, but I had ideas of rigor once the kids entered the school years. Well, habit is habit so, not surprisingly, I didn't magically morph from relaxed mom to uber-organized homeschool mom overnight before DS9 started first grade. So I spent a fairly long period feeling that I was failing, or that I was lazy, and that I was disorganized. That last one was a real head-scratcher because I have always been ridiculously organized...OCD even.

 

I had an epiphany when I read Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. I highly recommend this book if you feel stuck in a pattern of ineffectiveness. It mostly has to do with business but I found it incredibly inspiring and useful. I was in the habit of keeping a general routine, not a strict schedule. I was in the habit of being ready for anything, like the ball girl at a tennis match. When I really thought about it, I realized I was organized in a way that was perfect when I had littles. My diaper bag/purse/Camelbak/minivan was ready for any possible predicament. But despite making grand paper plans for school, I was in the habit of being distracted, being prepared for anything but unable to focus on any one thing. I think babies, toddlers, and preschoolers do that to your brain. ;)

 

Anyway, I was at a point when my ball-girl habits weren't serving me anymore. I needed to get into the habit of focusing and for that to happen, I needed to put all the tennis balls away. Getting Things Done helped me with this. Truthfully, I found the book very overwhelming (I even stopped reading it at a certain point because, ironically, I felt that it was poorly organized). :lol: However, the basic lesson was golden for me. In a nutshell, the idea is to get every aspect of your life into an automatic system so that your brain can let it go for the 99% of the time you don't want it randomly floating in. This concept is the basis for my system of organization. There is a time and place for everything, and a system for handling information. Menus, shopping lists, school schedules, family calendars, etc. are all meticulously kept and--here is the important part--times for tending them are scheduled. Errands are scheduled, organized according to when I can go out alone, when I'm on the side of town near this or that store anyway...

 

As far as following the plan, reading Switch helps with that too. I periodically reread it. Basically, you have to make change easy in order to make change easy. Isn't that so wise!? :lol: To begin with, I lowered the bar. The authors talk at great length about how everyone's instincts are to raise the bar but that really, if you want to change, you have to do the opposite and lower it. I spent a lot of time berating myself for failing to be perfect before I read that. I resisted the idea of lowering my expectations because I am a perfectionist and the idea of doing something I couldn't do perfectly really bugged me. Then I realized that it was a start and that was OK. A successful start was better than being paralyzed by perfectionism. Baby steps toward the goal are OK. Our school mascot became the tortoise because slow and steady truly does win the race. Success begets success begets success begets success... It was a nice, new pattern. I have raised the bar over and over since then, but in tiny increments.

 

I've posted on the boards about my schedule so often that I bet people are sick of reading it. :D We get up, do chores, have a morning meeting that includes a chore check (kids check mine too), then roll into our group work in the morning. We have lunch and then I work one-on-one with each kiddo for individual work in the afternoon.

 

Since the OP said organization wasn't her issue, I hesitate to post anything more on this thread but if anyone wants to start another thread on organization helps, I'm happy to participate with more specifics tomorrow. :)

[mumto2]

:grouphug:

 

No real advice.

[Faithr]

As somebody who has kids with learning issues, that alone can cause a lot of stress. No matter how much you schedule and clean that never goes away and it makes everything harder, slower, more frustrating, more emotionally draining. It demands patience from you and thinking outside the box.

 

I have been homeschooling a long time. I can tell you that everything in life, including homeschooling, has peaks and valleys. This time of year especially can be very stressful because you have all sorts of added errands and activities going on.

 

My first piece of advice is to find something that relaxes you. A good book to read, coffee out with a friend, a glass of wine at the end of the day with your feet up and everyone in bed except you and dh. That sort of thing. You have to get your own oxygen before you can provide for others! If you are anxious the thing your kids will learn the most is to be anxious. It spreads like a virus throughout the family. If you are at rest (meaning relaxed and living in the moment) your kids will learn joy and a love of learning. And that is what makes a good teacher!!!!

 

Then I'd go to triage mode when it comes to housecleaning. I'd tackle stuff that was bugging you the most first. Then maybe you can set aside a day where the kids are elsewhere for a bit and you can dig in and clean out the closet that was bothering you or what ever it is that is the constant reminder that your house doesn't look like something from House Beautiful.

 

But also, know that you are so blessed to be able to be home with these kids. Try to note, every day, something joyful that happens, something funny they say, some smart observation, some connection. Counting your blessings goes a long way to fighting those feelings of being overwhelmed.

 

Enjoy them while they are young. I miss so, so, SO much when they all were little. My youngest is 11.

 

My final words of advice. If they are crying over math, they aren't learning. Stop the minute tears start. Don't even let it get to that point. A kid really can't learn when they are emotionally overwhelmed. Especially a kid with LDs. Gentle baby steps are far more effective.

 

I wish you the best. Hang in there!

[Night Elf]

No advice, but how about some :grouphug: :grouphug:

[canadianmomtofour]

As somebody who has kids with learning issues, that alone can cause a lot of stress. No matter how much you schedule and clean that never goes away and it makes everything harder, slower, more frustrating, more emotionally draining. It demands patience from you and thinking outside the box.

 

I have been homeschooling a long time. I can tell you that everything in life, including homeschooling, has peaks and valleys. This time of year especially can be very stressful because you have all sorts of added errands and activities going on.

 

My first piece of advice is to find something that relaxes you. A good book to read, coffee out with a friend, a glass of wine at the end of the day with your feet up and everyone in bed except you and dh. That sort of thing. You have to get your own oxygen before you can provide for others! If you are anxious the thing your kids will learn the most is to be anxious. It spreads like a virus throughout the family. If you are at rest (meaning relaxed and living in the moment) your kids will learn joy and a love of learning. And that is what makes a good teacher!!!!

 

Then I'd go to triage mode when it comes to housecleaning. I'd tackle stuff that was bugging you the most first. Then maybe you can set aside a day where the kids are elsewhere for a bit and you can dig in and clean out the closet that was bothering you or what ever it is that is the constant reminder that your house doesn't look like something from House Beautiful.

 

But also, know that you are so blessed to be able to be home with these kids. Try to note, every day, something joyful that happens, something funny they say, some smart observation, some connection. Counting your blessings goes a long way to fighting those feelings of being overwhelmed.

 

Enjoy them while they are young. I miss so, so, SO much when they all were little. My youngest is 11.

 

My final words of advice. If they are crying over math, they aren't learning. Stop the minute tears start. Don't even let it get to that point. A kid really can't learn when they are emotionally overwhelmed. Especially a kid with LDs. Gentle baby steps are far more effective.

 

I wish you the best. Hang in there!

 

 

I know I need to calm down and just enjoy these kids. There are days when this happens. When everything runs smoothly, by some miracle, and a lot gets done. I am even at times proud of my accomplishments with my kids. I just wish this were the rule and not the exception. I am by nature a really calm person/parent, so the fact that I have become this anxious/stressed-out parent is really distressing to me. This is not who I want to be. I guess I need to learn some strategies to relax in those moments when everything feels like it's piling up, the 4yo is crying because I won't let her eat cookies for lunch, the puppy is chewing something she shouldn't, the 7yo is playing the piano, (loudly), my 12yo needs help in the classroom and my 8yo forgets how to spell his own name. :huh: This is when I feel like a failure and I can't keep it together.

 

As for the crying over math, I am specifically referring to my 12yo with HFA. He is so easily overwhelmed, and I feel if I lighten his workload anymore I will be negligent. How is this child going to function in university? He will melt down over a 10 problem math lesson, that he is perfectly capable of doing. Math is one of his strongest subjects, so he's not struggling with the material. I'm panicking about him the most. He's grade 7 now, and I wonder if I am too lenient. Is he truly overwhelmed or is he being lazy? My husband thinks the latter, but he doesn't witness the full on anxiety attack that happens when I try to step up expectations. I just hate the constant doubts I carry around.

[Faithr]

Hi Elisha,

 

First of all, I think it is a trap to fall into the 'he can't function at age 12, therefore he won't be able to function at age 18' thinking! And it is a trap. Just live in the now (and make the now a sensible platform for next year but don't worry about 5 years from now). Secondly, I would ask why a young man who does well in math is so unhappy over it? Is he being pushed? Usually if you are good at something you derive satisfaction from doing it, you know what I mean? So why isn't he? I'd try to parse that one out. Putting aside the fact that he might just be being lazy (which is a legitimate problem sometimes, but also it is an easy way to condemn a child for not living up to perhaps unrealistic expectations, or perhaps not meeting his needs, or what have you. I speak as a parent who has made those mistakes!) I mean there could be other problems that are manifesting themselves via tears over math. A 12 yo boy is going through many profound physical changes that make life hard to take sometimes (for both him and his parents!). One should never underestimate how complicated raging hormones makes things! And adding to that the fact that he is wired differently to begin with. . .

 

My own 13 yo son has been diagnosed with depression (possibly bi-polar), ADHD and Asperger's (or whatever they are calling it now, I think maybe they are changing the lingo to autism?). He also is very bright at math. We've done two things. We've hired a math tutor to do the actual teaching. This takes the burden off me! Hurrah! Actually, I have never taught higher math to any of my kids because I am terrible at it! I quit at 6th grade. When I had all 5 kids at home and was trying to school with babies and toddlers underfoot, having that math tutor show up once a week was a godsend and money well spent. It gave structure to us, it forced us to stay on track, it gave me a break from playing teacher all the time for everything, it decreased tension, etc.

 

Anyway, then when the 13 yo needs to do homework for the tutor, my husband often (he can't always because he travels for work) sits with him. The way he helps him through a big chunk of math problems is he gives our son a number of problems to do, when he has completed them to my dh's satisfaction, they get to watch either a funny MST short track on youtube or maybe some other short funny clip. Or they play Plants vs. Zombies. After about 10 or 15 minutes, they go back and do another chunk of problems. So the math is broken down into unintimidating chunks and it is a nice bonding experience with dad and son, since they both love humor and playing Plants vs. Zombies! (Can you see that my dh is just a grown up kid??? LOL!) When my dh is traveling he often talks to our son about his math homework over the phone. They've even skyped about it.

 

I just share this to maybe help you brainstorm. Could you afford a math tutor? Or if that isn't a good idea could your dh take on the role of math mentor?My son cherishes doing math with his dad (when he can). He looks forward to it. Closeness/bonding, humor, and breaking things down into whatever it takes to ease the tension so that the child can feel positive about things, makes for better parent-child relations!

 

So that's my humble two cents!

[canadianmomtofour]

Hi Elisha,

 

First of all, I think it is a trap to fall into the 'he can't function at age 12, therefore he won't be able to function at age 18' thinking! And it is a trap. Just live in the now (and make the now a sensible platform for next year but don't worry about 5 years from now). Secondly, I would ask why a young man who does well in math is so unhappy over it? Is he being pushed? Usually if you are good at something you derive satisfaction from doing it, you know what I mean? So why isn't he? I'd try to parse that one out. Putting aside the fact that he might just be being lazy (which is a legitimate problem sometimes, but also it is an easy way to condemn a child for not living up to perhaps unrealistic expectations, or perhaps not meeting his needs, or what have you. I speak as a parent who has made those mistakes!) I mean there could be other problems that are manifesting themselves via tears over math. A 12 yo boy is going through many profound physical changes that make life hard to take sometimes (for both him and his parents!). One should never underestimate how complicated raging hormones makes things! And adding to that the fact that he is wired differently to begin with. . .

 

My own 13 yo son has been diagnosed with depression (possibly bi-polar), ADHD and Asperger's (or whatever they are calling it now, I think maybe they are changing the lingo to autism?). He also is very bright at math. We've done two things. We've hired a math tutor to do the actual teaching. This takes the burden off me! Hurrah! Actually, I have never taught higher math to any of my kids because I am terrible at it! I quit at 6th grade. When I had all 5 kids at home and was trying to school with babies and toddlers underfoot, having that math tutor show up once a week was a godsend and money well spent. It gave structure to us, it forced us to stay on track, it gave me a break from playing teacher all the time for everything, it decreased tension, etc.

 

Anyway, then when the 13 yo needs to do homework for the tutor, my husband often (he can't always because he travels for work) sits with him. The way he helps him through a big chunk of math problems is he gives our son a number of problems to do, when he has completed them to my dh's satisfaction, they get to watch either a funny MST short track on youtube or maybe some other short funny clip. Or they play Plants vs. Zombies. After about 10 or 15 minutes, they go back and do another chunk of problems. So the math is broken down into unintimidating chunks and it is a nice bonding experience with dad and son, since they both love humor and playing Plants vs. Zombies! (Can you see that my dh is just a grown up kid??? LOL!) When my dh is traveling he often talks to our son about his math homework over the phone. They've even skyped about it.

 

I just share this to maybe help you brainstorm. Could you afford a math tutor? Or if that isn't a good idea could your dh take on the role of math mentor?My son cherishes doing math with his dad (when he can). He looks forward to it. Closeness/bonding, humor, and breaking things down into whatever it takes to ease the tension so that the child can feel positive about things, makes for better parent-child relations!

 

So that's my humble two cents!

 

Thanks. This is making me think. I think the problem with math is likely him sitting down with the full, busy page in front of him. I used to sit with him and do math one problem at a time on the whiteboard and he did great with that. In fact most of his schoolwork was done this way which eased that overwhelmed feeling for him. My issue is that as time marches on, I have more kids to teach and I need this boy to be more independent with his work. I bought him the Saxon Teacher dvd's to free up some time for me to work with other kids. This is where I start to think that if I put my neuro-typical kids in school, I could be the teacher that I need to be for my struggling learners.

 

My dh is no help in this department. He came from an English boarding school and carries that mentality when it comes to teaching. You need to learn your spelling list? Write it out 100 times. My kids obviously rebel against this!

[Faithr]

Hi Elisha,

 

Well, my dh was bit like yours, though maybe not as extreme, when we first started this homeschool adventure, but he's mellowed over the years! Our oldest son (now 20) was diagnosed ADHD, dyslexic/dysgraphic. Maybe one way you could get your dh to see things differently is to think about what they would do if your son was in school. I see you are in Canada so maybe things are different there, but my sister teaches special ed and what they do for kids with learning disabilities is they come up with specific plans with very specific goals and then you have to keep coming to meet with the teacher regularly. At those meetings they have a bunch of experts sitting around talking about what to do to help the student. So it is not like the teacher has to teach in a vacuum, she's got lots of support. You, as a special ed teacher for your child, need lots of support. If your dh can't give you support by hiring someone to help, for example, then, you know, he's got to help in some way, shape or form! You know what I mean? My oldest son was not able to work independently until his junior year in high school. That's how long it took! We seriously worried about him being able to make it in college. He did take a gap year between finishing high school and starting college. (He, by the way, is on the dean's list at his college now!!) It happens when it happens. I think it is developmental. Kids with disabilities need MORE support and encouragement not less if you really want to launch them successfully. So if your dh doesn't have the point of view or the temperament to help out with the HFA son, could he maybe help out with the younger ones? My dh would also be the field trip guy for us. My kids would get overstimulated a lot of times when we tried to go on group field trips. They did much better just going with dad. So could he be the field trip guy? That would give me a break and I could chill out at home. Sometimes I did lots of cleaning. Sometimes, I just rested! My dh also would teach science during the summers when the evenings are longer and the kids stayed up later. I didn't have to worry about science. Frankly, I went really unschoolish. I wound up doing this for 2 reasons 1) my kids didn't learn to read until 9 and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it!!!! 2) My dh did travel a lot and my kids, as wonderful and smart and lovely as they are, were hard to teachand to be with 24/7! I felt like a single mother a lot. I would just burn out! So I just focused on the basics and unschooled a lot of other stuff. We basically just focused on copy work and math and when they got to be about 5th/6th grade I folded in Latin. And even in this regard I wasn't very demanding until junior high. I did read aloud a couple of hours a day, and I encouraged them to explore lots of educational activities, books, videos, games, etc. In fact my with current 13 yo that I mentioned before, the thing he does in his free time is to watch TED talks and other educational videos. He is hooked on documentaries! He is a walking encyclopedia and I didn't have to teach him anything! So I found it was a lot more efficient to be really unschoolish as long as the child's propensities lent themselves to learning. I have another kid who needs a lot more direction from me. He does not gravitate to lots of self-learning, so each child can be very different.

 

Anyway, all my years of dealing with this issue of needing to teach children one on one while I had others underfoot led me to adapt to certain ways of doing things. So having dad take some of the burden off, going unschoolish, having a better late than early attitude or maybe a 'let them bloom in their own time' attitude all helped. I also was very strict about everyone taking a quiet hour in the afternoon. I had the little ones listen to story audios in their rooms after lunch, that would free up time to work one on one with the older kids. You could also carve some time out of the weekend to work one on one while your dh is around and can run interference with the other children.

 

I don't know if I am helping or not. These are just some ideas. I used all these approaches at one time or another over the years. The thing I learned though is to not be overly anxious. Do your best with as much patience, love and affection as you can muster and all will be well eventually! Really the absolute most important element I think in all of this is to maintain a strong bond with your kids. That will see them through a lot. I think that really helps them blossom eventually. And you can't really feel that closeness, especially with prickly kids (like mine!) if you are filled with worry. So the first step is to relax and clear your head. Then you'll be in a better position to make wise and creative choices.

[canadianmomtofour]

Thank you so much for talking this through with me, Faithr. Your wisdom is priceless. I am going to take your advice and chill. I need to reconnect with my kids on an emotional level first and then tackle the rest.

[kathy_overman]

My head has the same voice!! They could be doing more. They could do better. They are missing something. We went away for Thanksgiving, and I got some perspective.

 

I plan to come up with the list of what is enough (curriculum wise) - and live with it. Reality is, I am probably doing enough even with my DS (3rd) who never ever reads a book by himself. I realized that I create so much chaos by always thinking the grass is greener. I am tired of living like this - I am working hard to have faith and believe that we are doing enough, and it will work out. I am not there yet, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to get there.

 

Today, my 4th grader spent 2.5 hours on math - with lots of screaming, crying, throwing, etc. At these times, I want so much to throw in the towel and run away. Today, I tried a new mantra - 'everything is really okay, right now'. Yes, he is having a fit, but that is all it is. It is not going to impact his life, his education, his career - although it feels like it in the moment. In the midst of the chaos, everything really is okay. I tried to create peace within myself even in the craziness. It worked, and he eventually got his math and everything else done.

 

Mine were in PS, and it was also chaotic. The fits were at the end of the day, and we had little fun time together. I now make time during our school days for fun - not every week but frequently. Yes, PS was easier at times, as I had 'me' time. I loved the quiet, but I got bored, and wanted more - see the theme (I'm always seeing the grass as greener)? Our daughter is in private school, and juggling her school, homeschool, and everything else under the sun is hard. I am learning that most choices and paths are hard - rewarding but hard. I have a good friend w/ 3 kids in PS who is just as stressed and challenged - she has different challenges. It is a great reminder that the proverbial grass in her yard is not always perfect either.

 

I am in the exact same boat as you - overwhelmed, tired, craving peace, wanting a way out, yet I don't like our other options - and I love the rewards of HS'ing. It is hard. I am working to find little ways to make it work. Can you ask yourself what would make things better without school? For example, I found my old needlepoint and brought it to the classroom this week. While my DS had his fit - I sat and stitched. It was great - I had a little piece of me back. I will also often journal while the kids work. I say this because I want to HS, but find it very challenging - I am working hard to find a way to create more balance, joy and peace in the chaos.

 

Thanks for posting - it helps me so much to talk about it!

[PeterPan]

Alte Veste, your comments really resonated with me as something I've been thinking about, and I started a separate thread to let you keep going! :D

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/442845-so-from-discouraged-now-organizing-to-have-time-for-the-components-of-your-life/

[canadianmomtofour]

My head has the same voice!! They could be doing more. They could do better. They are missing something. We went away for Thanksgiving, and I got some perspective.

 

I plan to come up with the list of what is enough (curriculum wise) - and live with it. Reality is, I am probably doing enough even with my DS (3rd) who never ever reads a book by himself. I realized that I create so much chaos by always thinking the grass is greener. I am tired of living like this - I am working hard to have faith and believe that we are doing enough, and it will work out. I am not there yet, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to get there.

 

Today, my 4th grader spent 2.5 hours on math - with lots of screaming, crying, throwing, etc. At these times, I want so much to throw in the towel and run away. Today, I tried a new mantra - 'everything is really okay, right now'. Yes, he is having a fit, but that is all it is. It is not going to impact his life, his education, his career - although it feels like it in the moment. In the midst of the chaos, everything really is okay. I tried to create peace within myself even in the craziness. It worked, and he eventually got his math and everything else done.

 

Mine were in PS, and it was also chaotic. The fits were at the end of the day, and we had little fun time together. I now make time during our school days for fun - not every week but frequently. Yes, PS was easier at times, as I had 'me' time. I loved the quiet, but I got bored, and wanted more - see the theme (I'm always seeing the grass as greener)? Our daughter is in private school, and juggling her school, homeschool, and everything else under the sun is hard. I am learning that most choices and paths are hard - rewarding but hard. I have a good friend w/ 3 kids in PS who is just as stressed and challenged - she has different challenges. It is a great reminder that the proverbial grass in her yard is not always perfect either.

 

I am in the exact same boat as you - overwhelmed, tired, craving peace, wanting a way out, yet I don't like our other options - and I love the rewards of HS'ing. It is hard. I am working to find little ways to make it work. Can you ask yourself what would make things better without school? For example, I found my old needlepoint and brought it to the classroom this week. While my DS had his fit - I sat and stitched. It was great - I had a little piece of me back. I will also often journal while the kids work. I say this because I want to HS, but find it very challenging - I am working hard to find a way to create more balance, joy and peace in the chaos.

 

Thanks for posting - it helps me so much to talk about it!

 

Oh my gosh it helps to talk about it! After this thread I completely re-did our daily schedule. I am doing less, not more with my youngers, (take that voice!). I have decided to concentrate on the three R's and incorporate the other stuff when we have time. This will free me up to spend more time with my oldest who obviously needs more hand holding. We need to spend more time reading, watching documentaries, and exploring. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone! I am feeling so at peace this evening, which I didn't think was possible this morning.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I would institute quiet time during the day if you don't have one already.

 

Also, my husband will sometimes take the children shopping or fishing to give me a break. I joke that I love fishing because it's so quiet! Also, sometimes he will watch a movie with them downstairs in the evening and I will read alone upstairs, enjoying the quiet. (A bit of the movie noise does come through, but not too much.)

[LibraryLover]

I know lots of unschooling folks, and their kids still melt down. It's the age, and we need not take it personally.

[Sahamamama]

I am feeling really discouraged with this homeschooling thing! I want to put them in school.......I think. I am worn out, pulled in a thousand directions, and have lost my confidence. I never feel I am giving enough, be it education, attention, extra-curricula, or just plain fun. In a lot of ways I feel trapped. My 4yo and 8yo would probably do really well in school, and I can see them enjoying the stimulation. My oldest, however, has HFA and I really can't envision him ever attending school. My 7yo has a learning disorder and an under-active thyroid which causes weight problems for him. That combo in a school setting could be a nightmare. I just want to be in a clean, quiet house, where the grocery shopping is done, the errands have been run, nobody is crying over a math lesson, and I can just be a mom. Right now I am just trying to get through it one day at a time. Is this just a phase? A mid-life crisis? Who else has felt like this and gotten to the other side?

 

It's just a thought, but have you had your own thyroid hormone levels checked? I had Hashimoto's undiagnosed for years, then thyroid cancer/thyroidectomy/cancer treatment, and am now on synthetic hormone (which I don't like, but can't get my endo to change over to Armour). Anyway, if you feel worn out, discouraged, pulled in a thousand directions, and/or mentally foggy at times, this could be due in part to a lower than desirable hormone level. It's worth checking out. When I am hypo, nothing happens. It's the pits. I say this because your "not enough" comment is exactly how I feel when my levels are on the low side. It's not a matter of will power, either. If your levels are low, you will not function.

 

Here's what I would do in your shoes, perhaps: (1) Get a physical with blood work/endocrinology work up; (2) Keep the oldest home; (3) Keep the 7 year old home; (4) Put the littlest in preschool/Pre-K; (5) Make a decision in the best interests of your 8 year old -- home or school -- only you can know.

 

If you go this route, your day will be divided into five main segments:

• Up & Out -- Get all kids dressed & fed, get the two PS kids to school, come home.
  
• Home-Based Teaching -- Teach/tutor your two HS kids. You could possibly work more 1-on-1 if you only had two students, instead of four.
  
• Errands & Chores -- Assign & teach some chores to your children, such as folding & putting away laundry, emptying trash cans, taking out trash, bringing in mail, feeding pets, making beds, loading & unloading a dishwasher, cleaning/neatening up bedrooms, putting away stuff, raking leaves, and so on. You could possibly put Errands & Chores in the second slot, and get these out of the way earlier in the day. For example, get some groceries on your way back from the school (if you do drop-offs), come in and unpack the groceries (with help from 13 & 8), start something for supper, think of something for lunch, and throw in a load of laundry. Then start teaching.
  
• Homework -- When your PS kids come home, at least the 8 year old will have homework. Budget some time and energy for this and for them.
  
• Evening Routine -- Supper, baths, backpacks (for PS kids), read aloud, bed time, your time.
  

Either way you go, you have four children, a husband, and a home to manage, so you are going to have full days and little time to yourself. Are there other alternatives for your oldest? for your 7 year old? I still haven't really gotten my energy level where it needs to be, but daily exercise (30 minutes/treadmill x 5 days/week), less coffee, more water, more protein, and getting to bed by 10:30 pm have helped a lot.

 

My husband travels nearly all the time, so whatever needs doing is on my plate. I do get weary, and I only have three children, all close in age and without any ongoing health issues (except this week we all have colds). It's a full load, isn't it? I sometimes think about how nice it would be to ship them off in the morning, have the day to myself, etc., etc., etc. I might do this someday, LOL.... I threaten them with it... ;)

 

Seriously, get your thyroid checked, Mama. Life looks so bleak when the levels are low, but life is really not as bad as it can seem in mid-winter. Take the week off, take the rest of December off... it's okay. Look at Christmas lights. Play with your children. Go on a date with your husband. Do something to pamper yourself. Light a candle. Go to church. Listen to Christmas carols. Renew your hope and courage, then when 2013 rolls in, do what you believe is best for each child, for you, and for your family. HTH.

[Sahamamama]

Honestly, I am great at schedules, routine, and discipline. The family schedule is up on the wall. My kids are great, they do their work, not always cheerfully, but they do it. I have a reward system for school that they love. I school four days a week and do the fifth day on the weekend when dh is around for experiments/projects. I think that it is simply a matter of too much work for one person. My special needs boys require so much effort/time on my part for both academics and behavior that I am exhausted all the time. A lot of it is my own insecurities about my ability to provide a quality education for them. This feeling is of course heightened by the fact that two of my kids are not progressing on track due to their issues. The voice in my head keeps telling me I am not good enough, and the schools could do better.

 

On second thought, perhaps it would boost your confidence more if your two special needs boys went to school, where they could get special services, and you could focus on your other two children? I know that I would waiver in my confidence if I was teaching children with special needs.

 

Part of it is that I never get a break. I just want to hide in my room with a good book, but dh has very little patience when dealing with the kids, so I end up jumping back in to calm everyone down. I don't want to leave the house, because I am an introvert, and that is not a break for me.

 

Okay, time for a chat. This used to be my husband, and like I said, he travels. When he would come home, I really needed a break -- but he was (saying this nicely) clueless. Every little thing the girls did would get on his nerves. I told him, "They've been waiting for weeks to see you, and you snap at them. You need to manage it." And then we talked about being the adult in charge, being the parent on call, keeping the ship running, and so on. He (mostly) finally got it, so that now I can (usually) get a break, which I really need. I think that some fathers come in on the scene and don't know the routines, the daily flow of the household, the typical noise/volume levels, the things the kids typically do (that mom is used to), or even where something is, LOL. "Where's the ________?" I had to teach my husband how to manage the emotional climate -- he was waiting for the children to "get with it" before he would have patience with them. But no, it HAS to be the other way around, Honey. You are the parent, you lead. So now he is better at handling the whole shebang while I hide in my room and read a book. And I also had to learn to not jump back in. His way is his way. It's not necessarily worse, it's just his way. KWIM? Let your husband practice running the ship, don't jump back in. Go the library for two hours to read your book. You won't know what's happening at home, and that's probably a good thing. :)

 

I feel incredibly sad at the thought of not homeschooling, both because I want it to work and I would feel like a failure for quitting. The voice in my head, and the stress is just winning right now.

 

 

No, no, no! See this video.

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/446031-new-questions-and-answers-video-now-posted/

[briansmama]

What really helps me stay sane is a strong rhythm to our days/weeks. We have the mornings blocked for lesson time (which for us includes movement and project time), and eat lunch at the same time everyday. The kids help prep/clean up. Every single day.

 

My boys have quiet time after lunch. Every day. I get a full hour to myself of peace and quiet.

 

We work on practice work for 30min every afternoon. If there are tears during math at this time, it slows us down. After practice work I make sure my boys have something to look forward to- sports practice, playing outside with friends, play dates, classes, etc. They always look forward to the next thing, which they can't do until their practice work is done. The tears never last long because of this.

 

Two afternoons per week while they are playing outside I swiffer and run the vacuum and fold laundry. I also have cleaners who come every other week (for us this is a homeschooling cost, Dh and I really prioritize a clean house). I go to the market once per week and meal plan.

 

I never used to be this organized, but I found that it makes my life so much easier when everyone knows what to expect and what is expected of them. A strong rhythm really really helps.

[HS Mom in NC]

General questions I would ask moms regardless of where and how their children are schooled:

 

Foundations

 

1. How is the discipline in your house? Are there behavioral issues that addressing with anyone in your house? Are your expectations clear and reasonable? Too high? Too low? Is your follow through consistent?

 

2. How is your family's diet? Generally well balanced? Generally poor?

 

3. How is your family's exercise? ( Most kids in America are not getting anywhere near the physical outdoor play they need. ) Are you in an extreme weather climate that makes this hard? Are your property and your neighborhood conducive to physical outdoor play?

 

4. Are there unbalanced aspects of your life? Do you have a hard time saying, "No?" Too much/not enough social time? Too much/not enough academic time? Too much/not enough family time? Too much/not enough spiritual or philosophical activity time? Too much/not enough extra-curricular time? Is one family member (usually mom) doing all the giving and everyone else doing all the taking? Are mom and dad doing anything that the kids should be able to do for themselves? Anyone in your house suffering from the delusion that it's mom's job to make everyone happy, successful, and entertained and if they're not happy, successful, and entertained it's mom's fault? Do you think that?

 

5. Are you and your spouse generally pro-active or reactive to things that happen in each aspect of your life together?

 

6. Do you value all activities as equal or are you good at prioritizing what is most important and essential over what is not? This applies to academics, extra-curricular activities, hobbies, social opportunities, spiritual/philosophical activities, finances, etc.

 

7. Do you have a support system outside your nuclear family that can provide breaks for you and relationships for your kids? Do you think your spouse needs to be more involved with the kids in any ways? Could you and other friends rotate hosting the kids while everyone else goes out for alone time or couple time or couples time?

 

8. Could there be underlying health issues that need to be checked and treated? We're all getting older and will need more maintenance as the years go by.

 

9. How is your physical space? Is it too cluttered and disorganized? Is it too spartan and sterile? Do you have too much? Do you need some thing(s) that could make your space better for your particular situation? Is the organizational infrastructure you have too confining, annoying, and impractical for you? How do you respond emotionally to not getting everything done they way you think it "should" be done? Are you flexible and adaptable to making changes when it's necessary? How is you follow through with making changes? Are your expectations of yourself realistic? Do you need to raise or lower those expectations?

 

10. Does everyone in your household have a list of chores they do to regularly to help contribute to the smooth running of the household? Is everyone learning new ways to help as they get older? Does each person know exactly what they need to do and when they need to do it? Is mom or dad doing anything for the kids that the kids should be doing for themselves?

 

Homeschooling

 

1. Are you trying to do too much academically? Are your children needing more to do academically? Is the curriculum the right fit for your family situation? Do you need more hands on with some or all of your kids? Do you need more independent learning materials for some or all of your kids? Would video instruction for a particular subject be helpful to you and some or all of your kids? Are the materials you're using something you picked because they were a great match for your goals and educational philosophy, or did you buy something based only on someone else's recommendation?

 

2. Is your schedule working for you? Do you need more time off during certain parts of the year (the holidays, when you're involved in outside the home activities more than usual, etc) You can take time off in any pattern or as needed. Would schooling more during the summer and less other times of the year make more practical sense? How about 3 weeks on 1 week off? 3 months on 1 month off? 6 weeks off from Now. to Jan.?

 

3. Do you need to change approaches all together? Do you need to abandon the textbook/workbook/fill in the blanks/answer the questions at the end of the chapter for a while or entirely? Do you need to abandon the pursue their individual interests/living books/ in the field nature studies for a while or entirely? Do you need to get back to mastering the basics of just Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic? Do you need to branch out into Art, Nature,Foreign Languages, and Music appreciation? Are you too loosey goosey/as the spirit moves you during school time? Are you too structured/regimented during school time?

[HS Mom in NC]

"Crash (almost 8)

Bang (almost 6)

Boom (almost 6)"

 

That made me laugh out loud. Well done.

[Sahamamama]

My oldest son was not able to work independently until his junior year in high school. That's how long it took! We seriously worried about him being able to make it in college. He did take a gap year between finishing high school and starting college. (He, by the way, is on the dean's list at his college now!!) It happens when it happens. I think it is developmental. Kids with disabilities need MORE support and encouragement not less if you really want to launch them successfully. So if your dh doesn't have the point of view or the temperament to help out with the HFA son, could he maybe help out with the younger ones? My dh would also be the field trip guy for us. My kids would get overstimulated a lot of times when we tried to go on group field trips. They did much better just going with dad. So could he be the field trip guy? That would give me a break and I could chill out at home. Sometimes I did lots of cleaning. Sometimes, I just rested! My dh also would teach science during the summers when the evenings are longer and the kids stayed up later. I didn't have to worry about science. Frankly, I went really unschoolish. I wound up doing this for 2 reasons 1) my kids didn't learn to read until 9 and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it!!!! 2) My dh did travel a lot and my kids, as wonderful and smart and lovely as they are, were hard to teachand to be with 24/7! I felt like a single mother a lot. I would just burn out! So I just focused on the basics and unschooled a lot of other stuff. We basically just focused on copy work and math and when they got to be about 5th/6th grade I folded in Latin. And even in this regard I wasn't very demanding until junior high. I did read aloud a couple of hours a day, and I encouraged them to explore lots of educational activities, books, videos, games, etc.

 

Anyway, all my years of dealing with this issue of needing to teach children one on one while I had others underfoot led me to adapt to certain ways of doing things. So having dad take some of the burden off, going unschoolish, having a better late than early attitude or maybe a 'let them bloom in their own time' attitude all helped. I also was very strict about everyone taking a quiet hour in the afternoon. I had the little ones listen to story audios in their rooms after lunch, that would free up time to work one on one with the older kids. You could also carve some time out of the weekend to work one on one while your dh is around and can run interference with the other children.

 

I don't know if I am helping or not. These are just some ideas. I used all these approaches at one time or another over the years. The thing I learned though is to not be overly anxious. Do your best with as much patience, love and affection as you can muster and all will be well eventually! Really the absolute most important element I think in all of this is to maintain a strong bond with your kids. That will see them through a lot. I think that really helps them blossom eventually. And you can't really feel that closeness, especially with prickly kids (like mine!) if you are filled with worry. So the first step is to relax and clear your head. Then you'll be in a better position to make wise and creative choices.

 

Faithr --

 

I so appreciate this entire post, but especially the bold. I agree, it happens for some children when it happens. I've seen this again and again -- you think, "Will this boy ever be able to handle life?" and then he matures and his body catches up and his brain develops and it does happen (gradually).

 

My husband also travels most of the time, and I have three young children (6, 6, 8). I get so tired sometimes. Last week, I had kidney stones, a UTI, Aunt Flo, and the flu. This week, the kids are all sick, sick, sick. I've been cleaning up vomit today, oh joy! My husband comes home tomorrow night, but goes back out on Christmas Day, darn it! He'll be gone on all the birthdays, too, gone, gone, gone. But it is what it is, ya know? I'm still glad we have this job.

 

Thanks for the encouragement to the OP and to others in the trenches, LOL. I've been thinking about the long haul lately, as in "How is this supposed to work, huh?" You have to carry a realistic load, right? But perspective helps -- this is just one week in the Big Scheme of Things, and they are almost always healthy. So puking is a glitch. Ha ha ha.

 

We'll get through it! :) Hey, we still did Math, Geography, Spelling, Vocabulary, French, Latin, and History today! Hilarious, I know, but you'd be surprised how bored they were with being sick. They were HAPPY to do something interesting. Hmmm.... They also took a two hour nap. Nice. :)

[Sahamamama]

Mine were in PS, and it was also chaotic. The fits were at the end of the day, and we had little fun time together. I now make time during our school days for fun - not every week but frequently. Yes, PS was easier at times, as I had 'me' time. I loved the quiet, but I got bored, and wanted more - see the theme (I'm always seeing the grass as greener)? Our daughter is in private school, and juggling her school, homeschool, and everything else under the sun is hard. I am learning that most choices and paths are hard - rewarding but hard. I have a good friend w/ 3 kids in PS who is just as stressed and challenged - she has different challenges. It is a great reminder that the proverbial grass in her yard is not always perfect either.

 

:iagree: Good reminder. I watched someone try to balance it all out with three kids in three different schools -- the high school, the junior high, and an elementary school. Another acquaintance also had three kids in three different schools -- the middle school, the "intermediate school," and the elementary school. Wow! It was like a juggling act for both of these moms, especially the parent who has two children with special needs and medical issues. Meetings with teachers, reading specialists, IEP meetings, school nurses, principals, social workers, etc., etc., etc., plus running to the school again and again when the student forgot X, Y, or Z (part of his problem is forgetfulness). I've watched that for many years and it makes me think homeschooling is more relaxing, LOL! At least we have autonomy.

 

And, yes, the fits were at the end of the day, nearly every day. I'll never forget when this woman's child came home from Kindergarten, threw his backpack in the corner, and announced, "What a sh!tty day! Kindergarten SUCKS!" :huh: That was a shocker, but he had good reason to complain, with the teacher he had that year. The grass is not always greener. My children's Kindergarten teacher is usually NICE. :)

[Brooketopia]

Part of it is that I never get a break. I just want to hide in my room with a good book, but dh has very little patience when dealing with the kids, so I end up jumping back in to calm everyone down. I don't want to leave the house, because I am an introvert, and that is not a break for me.

 

 

Introvert doesn't translate into "only can re-energize when home." It's most often more of a "re-energizes when by myself."

 

You have special needs kids, you homeschool and you never leave the house? Yeah, that's a perfect recipe for discouragement and burn-out.

 

You say you don't want to leave the house because that's not a break for you--but staying home isn't a break for you either because you're sitting in the back room listening to the escalating conflict, which tenses up all the muscles in your body and causes severe flare-ups of Mommy Guilt, and then you give up and jump up to put out the fire. Staying home isn't a break for you. Period.

 

Is DH going to harm the children if they are left alone with him for two hours? The answer to that question is important. Literally speaking, will your children survive for two hours if they are left alone with their father?

 

Because you NEED two measly little hours EACH WEEK away from your house to eat a meal by yourself, read a book by yourself, get your hair trimmed, and/or meet one little friend for dessert/coffee/whatever (introverts can have friends, I promise). You are doing a big huge bunch of work and you need a break.

 

I only chime into this conversation because I experimented with this idea when I was pregnant with #4. #4 wasn't exactly planned, I still didn't feel "recovered" from all the emotional trauma of #3...I hated where I was in my life. (I'm being completely honest here because I think you want to hear that kind of thing.) I knit and I had always loved the idea of Knitting Nights where people would meet, eat something and then pass the hours knitting together, talking or not talking as the mood struck. So, after a particularly difficult day, I stomped my foot down, exclaimed that I couldn't stand another minute in my home and that I was "going to go out that night and meet some knitters and talk about things that I wanted to talk about and not be interrupted by toddlers and preschoolers!" (I was in a very, very dark place at that point in my life.)

 

So I went. And it filled me with so much anxiety to approach those strangers and ask if I could join them--I think I had to give it three tries before I actually made it to the table, but I made it and they welcomed me with open arms and looked forward to me coming back again the next week. I felt so great after those two hours of listening to them talk to each other, sipping my hazelnut steamed milk and silently plugging away on my little knitting project. DH never rang me up on the cell phone, and I still didn't feel like going home when Knit Group was finished, so I went grocery shopping afterwards and returned home that night at 9:15--rested, uplifted, and with foodstuffs for the rest of the week.

 

The house was a disaster. Food was dried onto every plate, most of the kids' clothing had stains in them that never did come out, and they had spent the entire night watching episodes of "How It's Made" with their father while eating popcorn. They went to bed 30 minutes late, but when I walked in the door they were asleep in their beds. I viewed the experiment as a complete and total disaster. I now had more work to do!

 

But in the morning--my kids went on and on about what a great night they had! They asked when I was going to go away to knit again so they could hang out with Dad and learn more about how stuff was made and eat popcorn.

 

It dawned on me that they needed that time with just him, just like I needed some time with just me. That day of school was phenomenally better than any day had been in weeks. Both myself and my kids had gotten a break from each other, which allowed all of us to "reset" a little bit.

 

That was three years ago, and I still go out once a week by myself. Depending on how I'm feeling, I go completely by myself or I meet up with a friend or two. I make up a nice CrockPot meal for the fam to have in my absence, put my 8yo Martha Stewart wannabe in charge of sides, and tidy up the house a little extra as a "thank you" to DH for his service. DH gets home from work sometime between 5:30/6:00 and then I go eat dinner somewhere I want to go eat dinner (or take a picnic dinner if I'm not feeling up for a restaurant), and then I do something that I want to do--knit, read, get my hair colored, window shop, sit next to a river and stare at the water--for two hours. When it's 8pm I head to the grocery store and get my shopping done sans kiddos and long lines, then return home with means to feed everyone, which my DH appreciates very much.

 

Sometimes the dishes are done, sometimes they're not. And when they're not, it's usually because DH was actively doing something with the kids and just forgot. And really, it's not that hard to fill up the sink with water and let the dishes soak until morning...in the long run, it's not that bad a trade-off at all.

 

Some nights are not enjoyable for DH. I felt terrible about that for a long time until one day he said, "You deal with rough DAYS all the time, I can handle two hours." And that's true. Fatherhood isn't only about enjoyable times with their children, just as much as motherhood isn't only about non-enjoyable times with our children. My best guess is that your DH really needs that "single parenting" time his children, even if it's tough because it will allow his parenting skills and relationships with his children to grow. Not that patient with the kids? Lame excuse; he needs to man-up and deal with what's going on in his home. (Tough love, tough love.)

 

You need to do something about this discouragement before it gets bigger and becomes something much worse than "being discouraged." You recognize that something is wrong with the situation, you are trying to remedy the situation, but it's not working out the way you need it to work out, which signals that you need to keep tweaking it until you get what you're after.

 

If what you're really after is time alone in your home, then DH needs to take all the kiddos out on a Saturday morning or the like. There are a million different ways to tweak this "alone time" idea to fit what it is that you need. Dream about it a bit and then take action. Try it for two months before forming any permanent opinions. (Two months @ 2hrs/week = 16 hours, which any able-bodied father can handle alone with his kids.)

 

(And once you master the 1x/wk Alone Time, you get to add in the 1x/wk Date Night EVERY WEEK no matter what. It'll change your life. Your husband will love it. [wink, wink, nudge, nudge] But don't skip over Alone Time and head straight into Date Night--if it's hard for you to leave your children alone with their parent, you won't handle leaving them alone with a teenager very well.) ;)

 

Hopefully this doesn't come across as rude--that's not my intent at all. I find that when I try to sugarcoat it, that the message gets a little foggy. So I go with truth and find that there is much less confusion on the receiving end. I wish you peace and I wish you strength. You are special and you deserve to have a wee bit of fun...who can fault a woman for wanting to eat french fries in her minivan by herself once a week? Not too big a thing to ask!