PollyOR Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 We were supposed to stay with DH's brother for Thanksgiving, but after a bout of pain Monday evening I decided that I would stay home. I found out last week that I have a inguinal hernia (groin) and it causing a constant ache in my adjacent hip. It is making walking literally a pain. If I have to deal with pain I want to be in my own home. I was okay if DH and the girls went to his brother's house. I'm not that attached to being with relatives on holidays, but I know it is very important to DH's family. DH decided to stay home. This evening we skyped with DH's mom. One of the first things she said? You don't look like you are in pain. I explained to her that I had been sitting in bed almost the entire day to avoid being in pain. I wish I had flopped over in the bed and writhed in "pain." That would have been a hoot! :lol: Of course I didn't think of it until the call was over. My MIL is a nice person but I always get the vibe from her that she never really believes me when I say I'm sick or in pain. Thanks for letting me vent here. I thought about sending her an e-mail, but I would come out looking the bad guy. It's just not worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 That's the worst. When you are in pain, but "don't look like it" or when some one thinks you are exaggerating the pain level. Just because you don't have a visible wound does not mean that you are not hurting. The pain is very real. I'm sorry you are hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) There are many very serious and chronic conditions that people would never know of just from looking at someone. I would just "pass the bean dip" and move on. Some people just don't get it. Edited November 22, 2012 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 If it were my family the situation would necessitate a frank phone conversation between husband and mother making it plain that wife is genuinely in pain and that comments like "you don't look like your in pain" might be misconstrued to suggest doubt or skepticism about wife's condition—the truth about which I would leave no doubt about—and that further commentary, including a follow up conversation to be initiated by mother to daughter-in-law (to happen today) should include expressions of sympathy and best wishes for my wife on Thanksgiving. That's just me. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I would sweetly reply, "You don't look like a witch." or something that rhymes with that. You are in pain, and you can look however you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tress Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Awesome, Bill! I'm so sorry, Polly, that your MIL spoke to you like that. ((hugs)) I hope you will start feeling better soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I am sorry, we deal with that a lot with our dd. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 You forgot to wear your "I'm in pain" tshirt... not her fault. ;) Seriously, I had no idea there was a specific way people were supposed to look like when they were sick and/or in pain. Hope you feel better soon. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yeah, I've gotten that. One of the most memorable times was seeing my pain specialist, who had an intern w/him. When the intern thought he was out of earshot (seriously?! No walls, only dividing curtains) he made that comment to my pain specialist. My pain specialist dressed him down. Told him he didn't have the *right* to see me in pain, that I didn't know or trust him, so why would I be vulnerable to him like that? That patients spend their lives hiding it as best they can, from everyone they can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I get that a lot. I take pride in the fact that sometimes I can hide it. Wear a smile, be positive, be grateful for your blessings...etc. it can exhausting to put on a happy face. Try to let it go and tell yourself that she meant wow you look great, you must be quite a trooper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yeah, I've gotten that. One of the most memorable times was seeing my pain specialist, who had an intern w/him. When the intern thought he was out of earshot (seriously?! No walls, only dividing curtains) he made that comment to my pain specialist. My pain specialist dressed him down. Told him he didn't have the *right* to see me in pain, that I didn't know or trust him, so why would I be vulnerable to him like that? That patients spend their lives hiding it as best they can, from everyone they can. Boy, did your doctor NAIL that one! I NEVER let ANYONE see me in pain.....just don't. I have no reason to allow anyone to see me vulnerable. I happen to " look great" but that is NO indication of my pain level. I refuse to limp, or use any body language to indicate pain. Pain is personal...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yeah, I've gotten that. One of the most memorable times was seeing my pain specialist, who had an intern w/him. When the intern thought he was out of earshot (seriously?! No walls, only dividing curtains) he made that comment to my pain specialist. My pain specialist dressed him down. Told him he didn't have the *right* to see me in pain, that I didn't know or trust him, so why would I be vulnerable to him like that? That patients spend their lives hiding it as best they can, from everyone they can. Boy, did your doctor NAIL that one! I NEVER let ANYONE see me in pain.....just don't. I have no reason to allow anyone to see me vulnerable. I happen to " look great" but that is NO indication of my pain level. I refuse to limp, or use any body language to indicate pain. Pain is personal...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Boy, did your doctor NAIL that one! I NEVER let ANYONE see me in pain.....just don't. I have no reason to allow anyone to see me vulnerable. I happen to " look great" but that is NO indication of my pain level. I refuse to limp, or use any body language to indicate pain. Pain is personal...... My family sees it when it's beyond my ability to hide...which tells you that's really, really bad. I was impressed w/my specialist, b/c honestly, I really think he has Aspberger's. He's brilliant, but his ability to have any sort of social interaction...yeah, no. Just a lot of really classic signs. His dressing down was delivered in a very matter of fact, 'please pass the salt' kinda way. He's been dealing w/chronic pain patients for 20, 30 yrs? Something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all of you dealing with chronic (or not) pain and/or illness Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Thank you! All of you! I appreciate the support. :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 If it were my family the situation would necessitate a frank phone conversation between husband and mother making it plain that wife is genuinely in pain and that comments like "you don't look like your in pain" might be misconstrued to suggest doubt or skepticism about wife's condition—the truth about which I would leave no doubt about—and that further commentary, including a follow up conversation to be initiated by mother to daughter-in-law (to happen today) should include expressions of sympathy and best wishes for my wife on Thanksgiving. That's just me. Bill You are a good man, Bill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Just a thought: perhaps it is her way of saying you look great. If she is not generally mean, it may be she thinks this is encouraging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Since I am in pain every single day, I hope I don't look like I am in pain all the time. I think Bill;s suggestion is a very good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I've gotten that. One of the most memorable times was seeing my pain specialist, who had an intern w/him. When the intern thought he was out of earshot (seriously?! No walls, only dividing curtains) he made that comment to my pain specialist. My pain specialist dressed him down. Told him he didn't have the *right* to see me in pain, that I didn't know or trust him, so why would I be vulnerable to him like that? That patients spend their lives hiding it as best they can, from everyone they can. Surprisingly it was Doctor's at a pain clinic in a hospital that brushed me off. They had me do different stretches in front of them and tested my flexibility. Now, I had been a dancer, just because I can bend over backwards that doesn't mean I didn't have issues, it just wasn't what they were used to seeing and they decided there was nothing wrong with me. When I had my next appointment with my specialist I talked to him about how they didn't listen to me, give me any tests, or give me recommendations he called them, right in front of me and tore into them. They were very cooperative after that but I never really felt comfortable or trusted them to give me good care. They tried to send me to a physical therapist and then PT said I didn't need him. I ended up switching to a different pain Dr. Edited November 22, 2012 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Surprisingly it was Doctor's at a pain clinic in a hospital that brushed me off. They had me do different stretches in front of them and tested my flexibility. Now, I had been a dancer, just because I can bend over backwards that doesn't mean I didn't have issues, it just wasn't what they were used to seeing and they decided there was nothing wrong with me. When I had my next appointment with my specialist I talked to him about how they didn't listen to me, give me any tests, or give me recommendations he called them, right in front of me and tore into them. They were very cooperative after that but I never really felt comfortable or trusted them to give me good care. They tried to send me to a physical therapist and then PT said I didn't need him. I ended up switching to a different pain Dr. The first pain specialist I saw was a complete *expletive*. I mean...just...wow. I called the referring Dr in tears, explained what happened, and he's the one that got me into my current specialist. I find specialists are either very good, or very bad when it comes to listening to their patients. There is no inbtwn ime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) The first pain specialist I saw was a complete *expletive*. I mean...just...wow. I called the referring Dr in tears, explained what happened, and he's the one that got me into my current specialist. I find specialists are either very good, or very bad when it comes to listening to their patients. There is no inbtwn ime. The new pain Dr had me do the same stretches and exercises that the old ones did. But rather than deciding there was nothing wrong with me he said, "That's weird..let's do an MRI" and he found I have a degenerative disc in addition to what was already going on. Had the original Drs done any sort of test they would have found it, but they decided to ignore me. There are definitely good ones and bad ones. :( Edited November 22, 2012 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I have a friend with a vary rare bone disease called "fibrous dysplasia." When she was diagnosed in the 50s, she was only a handful of people had been so diagnosed. Until she was in her late 30s she looked fine on the "outside;" people couldn't see the scars from the mulitple surgeries for bone grafts in both legs. Many people doubted that there was anything wrong with her, and were quick to look for inconcistencies in her stories to prove that she was making up everything. Today, at 60yo, she looks like Yoda, is totally wheelchair-bound, is blind in one eye, had all of her teeth removed because her jawbones turned to mush, and more. I hope those people are feeling guilty and remorseful. :glare: Anyway, the "You don't look like you are in pain" comments are just igorant. Maybe this was an anamoly and she'll come to her senses and apologize... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Just a thought: perhaps it is her way of saying you look great. If she is not generally mean, it may be she thinks this is encouraging. This was what I was thinking. In the absence of a negative history, it gives her benefit of doubt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodhaven Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Some people just talk without thinking. Perhaps she meant to say, "You do a good job of hiding your pain." : ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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