How often does your teen get together with friends?

[momtokea]

I mean outside of activities. DD14 just told me she wishes she had more friends, especially home schooled friends. She is in a lot of activities (volunteers, Pathfinders, musical theatre) and she has friends at each activity but she doesn't ever get together with anyone outside of her activities. She's feeling a bit lonely.

[klmama]

Outside of activities? About once a week during the school year, and almost every day during the summer when people have more flexible schedules.

[Parrothead]

During the school year I try to get dd together with one of her friends on the weekends. During the summer I try to arrange some sort of meet up every day. It is not always possible but I do try.

[Jenny in Florida]

My son has a group of three close buddies whom he's known for a long time. They get together at least briefly every couple of weeks. They are all part of our church youth group, which means they see each other there most weeks. And any project they work on outside of regular youth group time includes a social component. (For example, they are building the haunted house for the church's Halloween party this coming Saturday. They spent most of Friday hanging out at church, building props, listening to music, goofing off, going to lunch, etc.)

 

A typical Sunday after church might include sitting together at social hour, gathering at our house (which is next door to the church) to goof off in the backyard, maybe going out to lunch with a couple of families.

 

In addition to that, they each host a somewhat more formal event a few times a year. For example, there was a youth group work day at church just after school started, and the whole gaggle of them came over here to spend the night afterward. They'll be here again this Saturday night after the church party. And we'll have them and possibly a few others again in March or April for my son's birthday. When you have three or four teens all having the group over three or four times a year, it means they've got something happening at least once a month.

 

And my son is also very busy with outside activities. He sings with a choir, volunteers at the science museum, takes dance classes and is a member of the competition tap team, does theatre and is serving with the volunteer corp for a local youth theatre program. Each of those activities allows for a certain amount of socializing. One responsibility of the theatre volunteer corp, for example, is planning and hosting parties and special events at the facility. Thus far, he's planned/attended a surprise going-away party for a family leaving town, a fund-raiser open mic night and the theatre's anniversary party/awards show. They have a Halloween party coming up next weekend and a Mardi Gras event in February.

 

We've found, too, that teens tend to do a lot of their keeping in touch by text these days. Afternoons, evenings and weekends, when he's allowed to use his cell phone, my son frequently gets multiple texts per hour from friends just chatting.

 

He's a very social dude, though. When my daughter was this age, she was much more selective about how and with whom she spent her time. So, a lot of it just depends on the kid.

[regentrude]

DS participates in our weekly homeschool playgroup which is unstructured and just for hanging out with friends, There is maybe another get together once every two weeks. He also sees his best friend in TKD twice a week.

 

DD does not have close friends here since she broke up with her best friend (they would spend pretty much all; waking hours together). She has online friends with whom she chats daily. She has friends in choir and classes and at the barn, but does not socialize with them outside of the activities much; maybe occasionally with her barn friend.

[G5052]

One of mine has a cousin that they talk to several times a month. They've been close for years though.

 

Texting and emailing keeps them in touch with day-to-day things. Sometimes they plan events together that way.

[In The Great White North]

Outside of activities? About once a year.

 

FWIW, I never did either, back in the day. When you eat, swim before school, eat, go to school, eat, do homework, eat, swim afterschool, eat and go to bed, there isn't a whole lot of unstructured time.

 

Your friends are AT your activities.

[Nscribe]

We try to have 2-3 times a week she has unstructured face to face time with peers.

 

She meets tons of folks in her various activities, but even with that I have found it really does help if I reach out to other teens parents. They are not at the age where they are driving yet and it really takes some sort of parent to parent communication/coordination.

[Mom22ns]

Your friends are AT your activities.

 

This is my kids. They have one or more activities per day, every day. Youth group has some unstructured hang out time. Sometimes we bring kids home with us after activities and take them back at the next activity. Rarely an old friend spends the night that is unattached to current activities. Neither of my kids ever complains of loneliness.

[mumto2]

About once a week. More often lately but we have some unusual circumstances going on. It is nice because their moms are my friends.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Not much outside of activities but they are in a lot of activities. They have

 

co-op once a week

homeschool group once a week

book club every other week

Awana every week (oldest is a leader, younger 3 are in Awana)

Youth group once a week (oldest only)

boys are in boy scouts every other week

Oldest is in band (3x a week on week 2x the next and so on)

they are in 4H every other week

bell choir once a week (2 oldest)

 

 

We really do not have time for much else with getting school done plus family commitments.

[Sunshine State Sue]

Ds16 plays HS and AAU basketball and weight lifts with a group of athletes and trainer. He rarely does anything else out of the house (except school - PS and CC). When he's not doing school, basketball, or weight lifting, he's sleeping, eating, or playing video games. We thought it might change once ds got his driver's license. He inherited my old car, so he is able to take himself anywhere. But, there's been no change since then.

 

This is starting to worry dh. OTOH, dh does nothing but work, eat, sleep, and watch TV.

 

I am and always have been the social one. Ds was extremely extroverted until puberty hit. :confused:

[Pawz4me]

We've found, too, that teens tend to do a lot of their keeping in touch by text these days. Afternoons, evenings and weekends, when he's allowed to use his cell phone, my son frequently gets multiple texts per hour from friends just chatting.

 

:iagree:

 

My oldest, a junior in public high school, has lots of friends but rarely goes to someone's house (nor does anyone come over here). His group prefers to socialize via texting or social media. Mostly they use Twitter. About the only time they get together face-to-face outside of school is at school sports events. Once every couple of months or so he'll meet a friend for breakfast or lunch at a fast food place.

 

My youngest, the homeschooled almost 14-yo, is perfectly content to hang at home. He's got quite a few kids he could connect with via social media, but he's not the least bit interested. As others said, he tends to connect with friends AT activities. But in his case that's limited to spring/fall baseball right now.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Pawz4me

[Lizzie in Ma]

Lets see, Chem lab on Mondays with 6 kids including the boyfriend, Youth Group and Magic night on Wednesdays with some kids, some friends and her boyfriend, Shakespeare class on Fridays with kids that are mostly also her friends and then her boyfriend comes over afterwards and Sundays we go as a family for dinner and a movie at my bffs house, which works for her since she is the boyfriends Mom.

Guess it is mostly when we have activities that a "playdate" will spin off from it.

[kewb]

If you ask my teen his answer will be "not enough". It is a frequent complaint from him that he does not have enough local friends to hang out with.

We are busy with outside activity:

Sun-Thurs evening-swim practice.

Friday: Ballroom dancing.

Wed. we have discussion group or philosophy

Once a month: Book Club at the library

Once a month: TAB at the library

 

Throw in swim meets, the youth group outings, family obligations and the reality is, he does not have a lot of down time for hanging out but when he does have it he wants to fill it with hanging out. It is an ongoing struggle that I have difficulty understanding since I am an introvert. He takes after his father and loves to be surrounded by friends all the time.

 

One of the things that has helped some is having him invite friends over once a month for a movie night. Snacks and a movie-you can't go wrong.

[GailV]

Maybe once a month outside of activities, unless you count "study hall" and lunch time at co-op, which tend to be more along the lines of "let's chat about stuff instead of actually studying" times.

 

They're at activities pretty much every single day, and their best friends share some of the activities. And some of the activities are less structured -- for example, painting sets for a theatre production tends to include a lot of socializing (and working together on a project is a great way to get to know people). Sometimes they have free time in between classes at various places, and they might use it to hang out with friends or read or do homework.

[TheApprentice]

My ds 14 very rarely has friends he hangs out with at home, but he does text them, and plays with them on Xbox nearly daily. But I do wish he had more hang out buddies. He says he's fine the way things are right now.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you count Skype, then every day. If you don't count Skype, then perhaps 2 or 3 times a year. Otherwise he sees friends 3x a week at taekwando, once a week at church and occasionally we will bump into friends at the Y.

[Shellers]

My kids rarely hangout with friends. They have plenty of friends but they really only hangout about once a year. I have no idea why either. I encourage them to have friends over or go to their friends but they'd rather be at home with their dogs and reading books. :001_huh:

[Candid]

I think mine might be at between once per two weeks and once per week. However, as a boy, his time with others tends to be doing something. So they might arrange to play tennis together. That's not part of any formal program, just on their own.

[lauracolumbus]

My almost teen dd is involved in a ton of activities: hs swim, gym, and art, hs co-op, hs movie class, volunteering at a science museum and currently for a political campaign. She also plays club volleyball and does jiu jitsu. She is around a ton of kids and has lots of friends at these activities. However, I worry that she might feel the way your dd does. She used to be very close to 2 neighborhood girls, but they've drifted off w/their ps friends. She still does stuff w/one of them, but there is sometimes too much drama.

 

I'd love for her to have a friend who lived close by that was more on her level in maturity. The friends she gets along best with are part of her activities and live far away so it's hard to get together w/o some planning and maneuvering on the parents' part. For example it would be nice to ask someone last minute to go to the movie or to have someone to go trick or treating with. She is going w/her neighborhood friend, but she also invited one of her hs friends, but this caused an issue w/the neighborhood friend.

 

I sometimes wonder if this is why ds wanted to go to a b&m high school. He never gave any indication of loneliness and in fact had lots more opportunities to play w/neighborhood boys (in fact they come over all the time trying get him to shoot hoops or whatever, but he has too much homework).

 

I think your dd's feelings are justified. And years after defending the socialization of my hs kids, I now see that there is a nuance I wasn't prepared for b/c dd has so many activities. Her socialization is different than the neighborhood girl who has about 10 other girls she can call at the drop of her hat to hang out w/on a daily basis. It's not that I want that for my dd, but I do wish we had more compatible girls nearby. On the plus side, she has discovered a love for reading.

 

Laura

[Elinor Everywhere]

My dd had the same problem; she was involved in activities but each activity was with different kids and she didn't see them any other time. It was hard to build real friendships.

 

This year, grade 9, everything has changed. She joined the local high school's marching band and choir, and suddenly she's with the same group of kids for hours every day during the week, football games, band competitions, choir performances, etc. It's turned into one of our best decisions ever!

 

She has always been a very social girl, and now she's FINALLY having that need met. The band kids are awesome - a really good bunch. Even the band director says this is the nicest bunch of kids he's had.

 

By the way, the kids are amazed at the words, slang, and innuendo that my dd doesn't know. They gently and fondly tease her about being innocent, accept her where she is, and seem to genuinely respect her. She went to the Homecoming dance with a group of band kids and had a blast. I'm happy for her, and since all her academics are at home, she feels she has the best of both worlds.

 

I don't know if this is an option where you live but I couldn't be more pleased with how this "experiment" is turning out!

[lauracolumbus]

Elinor,

I am so happy to read your post. My dd will likely go part time to high school so that she can play sports. In my mind it's the best of both worlds: she gets to follow her passion (volleyball) and I don't have to teach science or math AND we still have lots of freedom of choices in subjects I want to teach.

 

She, however, thinks it's the worst of both worlds. That she will be in school long enough to hear about all the fun stuff, but not around long enough to be part of the social scene. I don't want her too fully around the social scene. I can only hope that the girls on her vb team will be as welcoming and wonderful as your dd's band mates.

 

Laura

[kewb]

My dd had the same problem; she was involved in activities but each activity was with different kids and she didn't see them any other time. It was hard to build real friendships.

 

This year, grade 9, everything has changed. She joined the local high school's marching band and choir, and suddenly she's with the same group of kids for hours every day during the week, football games, band competitions, choir performances, etc. It's turned into one of our best decisions ever!

 

She has always been a very social girl, and now she's FINALLY having that need met. The band kids are awesome - a really good bunch. Even the band director says this is the nicest bunch of kids he's had.

 

 

 

 

This was why I pushed so hard for my teen to be allowed to participate on the high school swim team. I am glad it is working out for your dd. I am hoping for similar results for my son. He wants those local friends for hanging out (as I noted earlier).

[Elinor Everywhere]

Elinor,

I am so happy to read your post. My dd will likely go part time to high school so that she can play sports. In my mind it's the best of both worlds: she gets to follow her passion (volleyball) and I don't have to teach science or math AND we still have lots of freedom of choices in subjects I want to teach.

 

She, however, thinks it's the worst of both worlds. That she will be in school long enough to hear about all the fun stuff, but not around long enough to be part of the social scene. I don't want her too fully around the social scene. I can only hope that the girls on her vb team will be as welcoming and wonderful as your dd's band mates.

 

Laura

 

Oh, I most sincerely hope so too! Your daughter may realize that she is, indeed, around for the fun social stuff. I allow my dd to eat lunch at the school 2-3 days a week, because lunch is right before her choir class. She alternates between eating lunch in the choir room with the girls and in the band room with all of that crew.

 

There has also been a lot of socializing before/after events, so perhaps she'll experience the same thing with volleyball games? Breakfast before, or maybe lunch/dinner after. Maybe get-togethers at houses (yours?) on weekends so the girls can hang out.

 

I wish your daughter the best of luck, and hope she sees that she really does have it both ways!

[Elinor Everywhere]

This was why I pushed so hard for my teen to be allowed to participate on the high school swim team. I am glad it is working out for your dd. I am hoping for similar results for my son. He wants those local friends for hanging out (as I noted earlier).

 

I hope it works out, and your son has a great time on the swim team. I have several friends here whose homeschooled kids have been on the swim team of the same high school as my dd. We are very lucky to live in AZ, which not only has incredibly simple homeschool laws (nothing, beyond a one-time letter stating your intent), and also the city of Phoenix is very progressive towards homeschoolers. My dd can take classes up to half-time at the school, so she may eventually switch from PA Homeschoolers to the school for AP classes. They also have a dual-enrollment program at the high school, and she may partake of that. Many options, and I NEVER thought we'd take this path.

 

Good luck!

[Lady Florida.]

Ds texts and video chats with friends daily. He also has a few friends with whom he plays online games on a server he made.

 

In person is less often. We don't live close to any of our homeschool friends. The ps boy across the street comes over a few times a week and they go outside to toss a football or shoot baskets. He plays Dungeons and Dragons every other week with a group of friends (mixed homeschool and ps).

 

Other than the above, he doesn't get together informally with his hs friends unless we make specific plans to do so - the teen version of a playdate.

[Nscribe]

We know far too many teens in "school" (private or public) who feel lonely to attribute it to a homeschool phenomenon. The search for soulmates, building relationships and maintaining friendships takes time, flexibility, opportunity, dedication, tolerance, patience, courage, communication and maybe even a bit of pixie dust at times.

 

Life is a busy enterprise these days. By the time many teens with a sense of dedication to school get home, eat and do homework, very little time is left for forging relationships. Add in the extracurriculars and it is even more of a challenge.

 

This is why we try to set aside time and dedicate effort. There are many false starts and sometimes it really is hard to add one more thing to the agenda. I just keep reminding myself how valuable the friendships I had were in helping me come to know who I am and what I value. I know they helped greatly in deciding what I would want in a marriage and in life beyond occupation.

 

We meet an awful lot of parents who really can't fathom letting go of the few hours they have with their children. We also meet many who fear time away from academics or anything to beef up that college ap is time wasted. It is not a homeschool thing, it is a the times we live in thing.

[Abbeygurl4]

We know far too many teens in "school" (private or public) who feel lonely to attribute it to a homeschool phenomenon. The search for soulmates, building relationships and maintaining friendships takes time, flexibility, opportunity, dedication, tolerance, patience, courage, communication and maybe even a bit of pixie dust at times.

 

Life is a busy enterprise these days. By the time many teens with a sense of dedication to school get home, eat and do homework, very little time is left for forging relationships. Add in the extracurriculars and it is even more of a challenge.

 

This is why we try to set aside time and dedicate effort. There are many false starts and sometimes it really is hard to add one more thing to the agenda. I just keep reminding myself how valuable the friendships I had were in helping me come to know who I am and what I value. I know they helped greatly in deciding what I would want in a marriage and in life beyond occupation.

 

We meet an awful lot of parents who really can't fathom letting go of the few hours they have with their children. We also meet many who fear time away from academics or anything to beef up that college ap is time wasted. It is not a homeschool thing, it is a the times we live in thing.

 

:iagree: Good post!

[momtotkbb]

My two teens are involved in sports and youth activities at church - through that they have friendships that have branched out into getting together and doing things. DD bec she's 16 and driving can obviously go more than ds (14) -- she goes out w/ friends generally one night on the weekend to high school football games (the majority of her friends are ps or cs), movies, out to dinner, or they come over to our house and hang out. One thing that I have found helpful during late elementary/middle is to have monthly or bi-monthly get- togethers in our home where they can invite a number of kids for an evening.