I guess I'll just never understand her - my sister

[HappyLady]

My sister and her kids (16, 13 and 7) come over to my house about every other weekend, more in the summer when the kids aren't in school. While they're over they eat me out of house and home. Even if it wasn't planned, they stay for meals and because they're all picky eaters I end up making a few different selections and have to vary each selection (by leaving certain ingredients out or taking a portion out before adding an ingredient) in order to please all of them. I honestly don't mind doing it, but it's never reciprocated. I should also add that I host all the major holidays (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas) and cook and provide about 95% of the food for my family and my sister's family.

 

My sister has us over exactly 3 times a year, each time for a child's birthday party. Each time I have to bring a lot of my own food. Now, my family is vegan and my sister's is vegetarian. None of them have a problem eating vegan (that's how they eat at my house), but none of their food is made vegan for when we come over. So I end up having to duplicate everything that they're making so my kids (4.5 and 2) feel like they're eating the same thing.

 

Today my sister called me to tell me her DH decided for my niece's birthday party this weekend that they were going to invite some friends over as well. Normally it's just family. He said he wanted to order pizza and then asked what they should do about us. My sister said, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, that she'll tell us to come to the party LATER after everyone's already eaten. :glare: And yes, she flat out told me this. Thankfully, her DH said, "But your sister feeds our kids all the time." My sister told me she could make me a pizza if I wanted her to. I did all I could not to jump down her throat after all I do for her and her family.

 

So, my sister will be making our pizza, but I still have to supply our own cake and ice cream. The cake I don't mind so much because she always buys her cakes from the store and even though *I* would make a special cake for someone who couldn't eat the cake I was serving I don't expect her to. But she could buy us our ice cream. I mean, her family likes the ice cream and she's not so poor that she can't afford to spend a couple more dollars on it.

 

I'm just aggravated right now that I bend over backwards for her and her family all the time and her solution to the food issue at the party was to have us come later. Am I the only one who thinks that just rude, ridiculous, unbelievable??

[justLisa]

So stop bending over backwards if you don't want to.

 

You should NEVER give something wanting something in return. That is a valuable lesson I finally understand. Do it if you want, but only if you want.

 

You cannot expect others to cater to your dietary needs.

 

ETA: It sounds frustrating, but still you have the wrong attitude. Except the party pizza part.....but maybe she figured since you are vegan your kids would feel left out. You definitely sound bitter, so maybe they have a whiff of that. Cooking/baking vegan is NOT exactly easy for those not used to it

 

And also this is the way my younger sister is, though she doens't have kids. I cannot count how much money and things I've given/bought her. She several times flipped out on me for cutting my kids hair and I didn't give her gas money. Um, I give you $50 every time you nit LOL....but really she's just different and a bit nutty. So I stopped having her cut their hair....well even that pissed her off, but really easier for me. Cut out the situations that make you feel bitter about it. That is what I do.

Edited October 22, 2012 by 425lisamarie

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: Personally I would confront her about it and start saying "no" once in a while when they ask to come over (or stay for dinner.) But that's my personality; I know that doesn't work for everyone.

[Amethyst]

That's bizarre. Why would you need to come over after everyone else has eaten?

[blakereese]

So stop bending over backwards if you don't want to.

 

You should NEVER give something wanting something in return. That is a valuable lesson I finally understand. Do it if you want, but only if you want.

 

You cannot expect others to cater to your dietary needs.

 

:iagree:

 

Everything you do is very nice, but not everyone is so nice. Believe me, I completely understand!

[MindyD]

You sound more upset about feeding her family than you realize. Stop catering to them. Make whatever food you're going to make, and if they don't like it, then they don't have to eat it. Just because you bend over backwards for her and her family doesn't mean she has to do the same.

 

With that said, I try to make foods available that everyone can eat when we invite people over. We have a few vegetarian friends, so when I invite them over, we eat vegetarian. Yes, I think your sister's being insensitive at best. Let me guess, you're the older sister and she's the younger sister? I only ask because I see this very same dynamic between my sister and me. I'm the older. :tongue_smilie:

[alisoncooks]

Not to be snarky (at all), but I think you would benefit from reading this book. It has been very beneficial for DH & I and our interactions with extended family... (particularly his sister & mother).

[myfunnybunch]

I'm just aggravated right now that I bend over backwards for her and her family all the time and her solution to the food issue at the party was to have us come later. Am I the only one who thinks that just rude, ridiculous, unbelievable??

 

You can:

 

Stop bending over backward for her.

You don't have to stop to "show her" in reaction to her actions; just stop. Explain that you're sorry but budget and time don't allow you to make separate meals for everyone at the last minute.

 

Or keep accommodating her family at mealtimes because you genuinely don't mind.

If you keep fixing separate meals, do it with zero expectation that it will be returned. She has shown her colors. Expecting her to change her spots in response to your kindnesses will leave you frustrated.

 

I do think it's rude, by the way. In your shoes, I would be hurt and frustrated.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

Let me guess, you're the older sister and she's the younger sister? I only ask because I see this very same dynamic between my sister and me. I'm the older. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree:

 

Me too.

[HappyLady]

So stop bending over backwards if you don't want to.

 

You should NEVER give something wanting something in return. That is a valuable lesson I finally understand. Do it if you want, but only if you want.

 

You cannot expect others to cater to your dietary needs.

 

ETA: It sounds frustrating, but still you have the wrong attitude. Except the party pizza part.....but maybe she figured since you are vegan your kids would feel left out. You definitely sound bitter, so maybe they have a whiff of that. Cooking/baking vegan is NOT exactly easy for those not used to it

 

She's used to vegan cooking, she just chooses not to do it. That's just how she is. And I don't expect *others* to cater to our dietary needs, but I certainly expect my sister to do it with everything I've ever done for her (yes, this goes way beyond food).

[HappyLady]

You sound more upset about feeding her family than you realize. Stop catering to them. Make whatever food you're going to make, and if they don't like it, then they don't have to eat it. Just because you bend over backwards for her and her family doesn't mean she has to do the same.

 

With that said, I try to make foods available that everyone can eat when we invite people over. We have a few vegetarian friends, so when I invite them over, we eat vegetarian. Yes, I think your sister's being insensitive at best. Let me guess, you're the older sister and she's the younger sister? I only ask because I see this very same dynamic between my sister and me. I'm the older. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yep, I'm the older one. LOL

[HappyLady]

Not to be snarky (at all), but I think you would benefit from reading this book. It has been very beneficial for DH & I and our interactions with extended family... (particularly his sister & mother).

 

Thanks! I'll have to look into this. Anything to teach me how to say no to my family and not to ever expect anything from them would certainly help. :D

[starwarsmomma]

Didn't have time to read the replys, BUT she does this because you allow her to.

She lets ya'll do seperate cooking for everyone in her family because you allow her to let you.

 

Ask me how I know... LOL Because I'm similar.

One day, I got stubborn, dug my heals in the ground and said no more! But by then, they just looked at me like I was crazy because suddenly I had a problem when I'd never had a problem with it before.

 

Here's my motto-- I AM NOT A RESTAURANT!

You eat what I serve, or bring your own food. You can cook in my kichen if you want to, but clean up your mess. I AM NOT YOUR MAID either!

 

 

 

 

**My only exception is if a kid has dangerous food allergies.

 

:D

[pageta]

It sounds to me like your *both* picky eaters. I'm sorry, but we have vegans in our family, and just being vegan with all the restrictions it entails makes one a picky eater.

 

So simply stated, you cater, she doesn't.

 

Because your diet is more restricted, you're accustomed to making more adjustments so it's less of an issue for you to cater to her sensitivities than it is for her to cater to yours.

 

You could become a "social vegan" and eat non-vegan food when not at home. You could quit catering to her picky eating and just expect her to eat whatever you serve when she is at your house.

 

I grew up in a household where we were vegetarian - so no pepperoni pizza - and while I have left those restrictions behind (we eat meat but do not eat processed food), my parents have gone further with their restrictions and are now vegan. My mom's approach is to double cook anything that has meat in it when we're at their house - as in, if we make chili, she has vegan chili. But she makes things with their tofu milk (not a single ingredient on that container is something that isn't highly processed) and doesn't make a second batch with real milk. Their church bans "unclean meat" per Leviticus so no pork. I swear every time we go to visit them that next time they come to see us, my homemade bread will be made with lard (though I would never mention it).

 

The whole thing is infuriating. They're being picky by being vegan. We're being picky by avoiding processed foods. To say nothing of those who don't like cooked carrots. I could never invite them over to my house and expect them to eat pepperoni pizza because that's what we're having, while they expect me to eat their tofu "milk" and tofu "cheese" and vegetarian "burger" and turkey "bacon" and what not. Don't get me started.

 

So it's not fun, but my advice is to change that which you can change - i.e. how much you cater to her. If she doesn't want to cater for you, then you don't need to cater (or cook) for her. If it's worth it to you to do it so you have things that are appropriate according to your dietary guidelines, do so. Expect nothing and you will not be disappointed.

 

It's hard, I know. I feel your pain. But you can't change her, you can only change yourself.

[Jenny in Florida]

Am I the only one who thinks that just rude, ridiculous, unbelievable??

 

No, you are not the only one.

 

I'd add insensitive to your list of adjectives.

 

I don't have siblings. So, this is pure speculation on my part. But I like to think I'd call her back and ask her about her reasoning on this one. I'd begin by telling her that, the more I think about her invitation, the more confused I become. I'd ask her if she wouldn't mind, please, explaining it to me slowly and carefully why my family was being asked to come over later, essentially being excluded from a portion of the party.

 

Then, I'd let her talk, without interruption. And I'd see how long she could go without realizing her "invitation" was hurtful.

 

If that didn't work, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be tempted to skip the party, entirely, but I hope I could put on my big girl panties and make myself go.

 

For sure, the next time they came to my house, my own kitchen would be a little less accomodating.

[Jenny in Florida]

The whole thing is infuriating. They're being picky by being vegan. We're being picky by avoiding processed foods.

 

Wow. I wonder if you'd consider it "picky" for someone to eat kosher. For many vegans, the diet is the result of deeply held spiritual beliefs. To liken these choices to someone who doesn't like cooked carrots--and suggest we should just let it go when not at home--is pretty insulting.

[cjzimmer1]

From what I read, I see you as bending over backwards to accomodate her family's food preferences and she doesn't reciprocrate on the same level. So I can understand your unhappiness. However, ( and I say this as a non vegetarian so I may just misunderstand), you are vegan (which as I understand it is a more restrictive list of acceptable foods than a vegetarian), and you are upset because she doesn't prepare foods that meet your higher standards.

 

If my understanding is correct, than it seems selfish to me to expect her to change her normal cooking to accomodate your food choices. But despite have a dairy allergic kid, I also don't understand why people with kids with food allergies expect others to cater to them (I'm not referring to anaphalactic allergies). My kid has different dietary needs. I make her foods or bring the necessary ingredients to make foods that meets her needs (for instance said child never goes to grandmas without almond milk because I don't expect them to provide that when they don't normally have it). I also have a kid who hates shrimp. My extended family gets together every Jan 1 for a shrimp party. I bring a different protein for my shrimp hating kid. I guess I don't feel it's someone else's (even family) job to provide food if for whatever reason who don't or can't eat what is being served.

 

If I were you, I'd work on slowly refusing to make special foods for her family when they visit and while you could mention it be be nice if she could make X that your family would eat, I would just plan to keep doing what you are doing on that front as far as bringing your own.

[HappyLady]

From what I read, I see you as bending over backwards to accomodate her family's food preferences and she doesn't reciprocrate on the same level. So I can understand your unhappiness. However, ( and I say this as a non vegetarian so I may just misunderstand), you are vegan (which as I understand it is a more restrictive list of acceptable foods than a vegetarian), and you are upset because she doesn't prepare foods that meet your higher standards.

 

If my understanding is correct, than it seems selfish to me to expect her to change her normal cooking to accomodate your food choices. But despite have a dairy allergic kid, I also don't understand why people with kids with food allergies expect others to cater to them (I'm not referring to anaphalactic allergies). My kid has different dietary needs. I make her foods or bring the necessary ingredients to make foods that meets her needs (for instance said child never goes to grandmas without almond milk because I don't expect them to provide that when they don't normally have it). I also have a kid who hates shrimp. My extended family gets together every Jan 1 for a shrimp party. I bring a different protein for my shrimp hating kid. I guess I don't feel it's someone else's (even family) job to provide food if for whatever reason who don't or can't eat what is being served.

 

If I were you, I'd work on slowly refusing to make special foods for her family when they visit and while you could mention it be be nice if she could make X that your family would eat, I would just plan to keep doing what you are doing on that front as far as bringing your own.

 

Believe me, I never expect anyone to accommodate to our dietary needs, but I would think since it's my sister and after all that I've ever done for her, she would. Plus, she's vegetarian and understands veganism so it's not like she's a carnivore and wouldn't have a clue what to make for us, you know? Like I said, she knows darn well how to make us a pizza, but yet chose to first suggest we come after the food was eaten. That really hurt to hear that. She's been at my house plenty of times where it looked like they were staying for dinner and I told her we didn't have enough for everyone and it didn't stop her from staying. So I end up scrounging around to see what else I can make and my DH and I usually take smaller portions in order to feed her family. No, I don't have to do all that, but when her kids are involved it's a different story. I can't let my niece and nephews go hungry, especially since somehow my sister will make me look like the bad guy.

 

It all comes down to once again I do, do, do for her and her family and I don't get it in return. I guess my options are to just finally accept I'll get nothing from her or to just stop being nice.

[Trish]

You turn yourself inside out to accommodate them, and wonder why they're still coming over? I'm sorry that you feel you're being taken advantage of, but it sounds like all you'd need to do is cook what your family likes and not cater to their various wants/demands, and you'd get far fewer visits.

[bolt.]

I think different people have different ideas of hospitality.

 

You "understand her" just fine: her style of hospitality is: Plan event, invite people, prepare ordinary things, expect them to do what they need to do if they'd like to come. That in itself is not an unreasonable, rude, insensitive or even terribly unusual way for a person to 'be' as a hostess. Lots of people do this. They never feel put out by hospitality because they never offer more than they are feeling free about sharing. They are pleased to offer what they choose to offer and they don't let a desire to grant everyone maximum enjoyment push them beyond their comfort zone.

 

Your hospitality style is *very different* from hers. The *contrast* is what you are reacting to. You very much want every guest to feel great in every way while they visit you. If you know they have a need, or a preference or if there is any way you can make them more comfortable, your hospitality style says, "Do that." (Even if it's challenging, expensive or just plain frequent.) Other people's presence and preferences often push you out of your comfort zone.

 

Many people with hospitality style A really don't realize that anyone *would* go much out of their comfort zone for a little old guest. After all they wouldn't! So, if someone offers generous and abundant personalized hospitality (style B), they naturally assume that it was no trouble (especially if you actually *say* "It's no trouble!"). She probably has no idea that she is imposing, because she expects some indication to tell her so, otherwise she assumes you are perfectly pleased and probably just a generous person by nature (which you are, I think).

 

The thing is that you are *way* out of your comfort zone... and she is comfortably within hers, assuming that you are within yours as well. It's a mis-match, not an issue of right and wrong.

 

Anyhow, as a solution, I suggest that (a) you "assume positive intent" -- which is what I am getting at here, (b) decide in advance how much hospitality you are interested in sharing with a not-terribly-reciprocal family member, and © learn to give socially low-key verbal indications when your toes are near to getting stepped on.

 

As far as © answers like, "Sure, we'd love to have you, but you will have to go before meal time. I haven't budgeted for a double dinner this week." -- and, "I know so-n-so prefers this prepared specially, would *you* like to do that for him, or should I just prepare it all the same way and let him handle it?" -- and, "I'm gouing to start cooking now, I'd love you to join me. Many hands make light work!" -- and, "Let's talk holidays, Sis. I love getting together, but let's share the love! Which one would you like at your house this year?" -- and, "Please come for Thanksgiving. I'm doing it semi-potluck this year so I'd love you to bring 2 veggies (prepared vegan) and a bottle of suitable wine. Is that OK with you? You could bring something else (vegan) if you have something in mind."

[Catwoman]

OK, what am I missing here?

 

This is your sister and she's doing something you don't like.

 

So tell her.

 

What's the big deal? I see this all the time, and I don't understand it at all. If I did something that irritated my brother, he called me on it. If he did something I didn't like, I told him. Why would you need to tiptoe around with your own sister? Why not just be open and honest? :confused:

 

People can only take advantage of you if you let them. If you think she's being an inconsiderate jerk, tell her. Period.

[Unicorn.]

In defense of younger sisters everywhere, I am the one who will bend over backwards to accomodate everyone else, and I am the baby. :D That said, I would quit. She can eat what you fix, or she can go home and cook for her own. At least her husband gets it.

[justLisa]

In defense of younger sisters everywhere, I am the one who will bend over backwards to accomodate everyone else, and I am the baby. :D That said, I would quit. She can eat what you fix, or she can go home and cook for her own. At least her husband gets it.

 

I love unicorns :001_wub::001_wub:

[elfgivas]

I think different people have different ideas of hospitality.

 

You "understand her" just fine: her style of hospitality is: Plan event, invite people, prepare ordinary things, expect them to do what they need to do if they'd like to come. That in itself is not an unreasonable, rude, insensitive or even terribly unusual way for a person to 'be' as a hostess. Lots of people do this. They never feel put out by hospitality because they never offer more than they are feeling free about sharing. They are pleased to offer what they choose to offer and they don't let a desire to grant everyone maximum enjoyment push them beyond their comfort zone.

 

Your hospitality style is *very different* from hers. The *contrast* is what you are reacting to. You very much want every guest to feel great in every way while they visit you. If you know they have a need, or a preference or if there is any way you can make them more comfortable, your hospitality style says, "Do that." (Even if it's challenging, expensive or just plain frequent.) Other people's presence and preferences often push you out of your comfort zone.

 

Many people with hospitality style A really don't realize that anyone *would* go much out of their comfort zone for a little old guest. After all they wouldn't! So, if someone offers generous and abundant personalized hospitality (style B), they naturally assume that it was no trouble (especially if you actually *say* "It's no trouble!"). She probably has no idea that she is imposing, because she expects some indication to tell her so, otherwise she assumes you are perfectly pleased and probably just a generous person by nature (which you are, I think).

 

The thing is that you are *way* out of your comfort zone... and she is comfortably within hers, assuming that you are within yours as well. It's a mis-match, not an issue of right and wrong.

 

Anyhow, as a solution, I suggest that (a) you "assume positive intent" -- which is what I am getting at here, (b) decide in advance how much hospitality you are interested in sharing with a not-terribly-reciprocal family member, and © learn to give socially low-key verbal indications when your toes are near to getting stepped on.

 

As far as © answers like, "Sure, we'd love to have you, but you will have to go before meal time. I haven't budgeted for a double dinner this week." -- and, "I know so-n-so prefers this prepared specially, would *you* like to do that for him, or should I just prepare it all the same way and let him handle it?" -- and, "I'm gouing to start cooking now, I'd love you to join me. Many hands make light work!" -- and, "Let's talk holidays, Sis. I love getting together, but let's share the love! Which one would you like at your house this year?" -- and, "Please come for Thanksgiving. I'm doing it semi-potluck this year so I'd love you to bring 2 veggies (prepared vegan) and a bottle of suitable wine. Is that OK with you? You could bring something else (vegan) if you have something in mind."

 

:iagree:

 

this is a great post. the only thing i'd add is that you only go to her place 3 times a year, so for those three times, i would just do what i needed to do. (i would more likely become socially vegetarian, again on the theory that its only three times a year). i would work like crazy to alter the dynamic in my own home though (because its clearly troubling you).

 

hth,

ann

[In the Rain]

I think different people have different ideas of hospitality.

 

You "understand her" just fine: her style of hospitality is: Plan event, invite people, prepare ordinary things, expect them to do what they need to do if they'd like to come. That in itself is not an unreasonable, rude, insensitive or even terribly unusual way for a person to 'be' as a hostess. Lots of people do this. They never feel put out by hospitality because they never offer more than they are feeling free about sharing. They are pleased to offer what they choose to offer and they don't let a desire to grant everyone maximum enjoyment push them beyond their comfort zone.

 

Your hospitality style is *very different* from hers. The *contrast* is what you are reacting to. You very much want every guest to feel great in every way while they visit you. If you know they have a need, or a preference or if there is any way you can make them more comfortable, your hospitality style says, "Do that." (Even if it's challenging, expensive or just plain frequent.) Other people's presence and preferences often push you out of your comfort zone.

 

Many people with hospitality style A really don't realize that anyone *would* go much out of their comfort zone for a little old guest. After all they wouldn't! So, if someone offers generous and abundant personalized hospitality (style B), they naturally assume that it was no trouble (especially if you actually *say* "It's no trouble!"). She probably has no idea that she is imposing, because she expects some indication to tell her so, otherwise she assumes you are perfectly pleased and probably just a generous person by nature (which you are, I think).

 

The thing is that you are *way* out of your comfort zone... and she is comfortably within hers, assuming that you are within yours as well. It's a mis-match, not an issue of right and wrong.

 

Anyhow, as a solution, I suggest that (a) you "assume positive intent" -- which is what I am getting at here, (b) decide in advance how much hospitality you are interested in sharing with a not-terribly-reciprocal family member, and © learn to give socially low-key verbal indications when your toes are near to getting stepped on.

 

As far as © answers like, "Sure, we'd love to have you, but you will have to go before meal time. I haven't budgeted for a double dinner this week." -- and, "I know so-n-so prefers this prepared specially, would *you* like to do that for him, or should I just prepare it all the same way and let him handle it?" -- and, "I'm gouing to start cooking now, I'd love you to join me. Many hands make light work!" -- and, "Let's talk holidays, Sis. I love getting together, but let's share the love! Which one would you like at your house this year?" -- and, "Please come for Thanksgiving. I'm doing it semi-potluck this year so I'd love you to bring 2 veggies (prepared vegan) and a bottle of suitable wine. Is that OK with you? You could bring something else (vegan) if you have something in mind."

 

Great post! :001_smile:

[ktgrok]

How hard is it to order one of the pizzas without cheese? My son is allergic, we do it all the time! And when family orders pizza and he is there they always order half without cheese, or get him a personal size one without cheese. NO big deal. Why on earth is that a problem for her? And yes, if she has vegan family coming the nice thing is to pick up some non dairy ice cream for heavens sake. I do that for family...even close friends!

[Unicorn.]

Aww, thanks! I love bacon! I think we would get along tremendously. Especially as I would accommodate your bacon needs! :lol:

[Impish]

I'm missing something.

 

Why would you have to make diff meals at your house? Why wouldn't a vegetarian eat what a vegan does?

[justLisa]

I'm missing something.

 

Why would you have to make diff meals at your house? Why wouldn't a vegetarian eat what a vegan does?

 

Well huh. That is a darned good point.

[Impish]

Well huh. That is a darned good point.

Well, thanks, cause I'm confuzzled.

 

I mean, I get the difference btwn the 2, and why a vegan can't/won't eat all that a vegetarian does...but lost as to why a vegetarian can't eat the way a vegan does, esp at the vegan's house.

[justLisa]

Well, thanks, cause I'm confuzzled.

 

I mean, I get the difference btwn the 2, and why a vegan can't/won't eat all that a vegetarian does...but lost as to why a vegetarian can't eat the way a vegan does, esp at the vegan's house.

 

 

I think the OP is doing unnecessary work and feeling bitter about it since sis isn't doing the same. But maybe sis doesn't really think it is necessary and think of it as much work?

 

I know my little sis doesn't think about anything as "work" because the toughest thing she does is homework and go to spin class. She's kind of in her own little world.

[HappyLady]

I'm missing something.

 

Why would you have to make diff meals at your house? Why wouldn't a vegetarian eat what a vegan does?

 

They do, but they don't like certain foods. For instance, my niece despises peas, but she loves my mac-n-"cheese" which I always add peas to (this is how my kids like it). So I take out a portion for her before adding the peas. My sister hates red peppers and won't eat anything with them in it so if my meal calls for red peppers I either substitute them with something else or if possible, take out a portion for her before adding them. Each of the 4 of them has things they're picky about and rather watching them pick at their meals and waste half of it, I try to make them happy as best I can.

[justLisa]

They do, but they don't like certain foods. For instance, my niece despises peas, but she loves my mac-n-"cheese" which I always add peas to (this is how my kids like it). So I take out a portion for her before adding the peas. My sister hates red peppers and won't eat anything with them in it so if my meal calls for red peppers I either substitute them with something else or if possible, take out a portion for her before adding them. Each of the 4 of them has things they're picky about and rather watching them pick at their meals and waste half of it, I try to make them happy as best I can.

 

Part of that is totally unnecessary, and the scooping out some mac before adding peas is really not that big of a deal.

 

And really they eat vegan mac n cheese but don't like peas?

[HappyLady]

Part of that is totally unnecessary, and the scooping out some mac before adding peas is really not that big of a deal.

 

And really they eat vegan mac n cheese but don't like peas?

 

I see how much food they waste when I don't do it so for me, it's necessary. I can't stand seeing food that I paid money for and cooked being wasted. And no, it's no big deal to scoop out some food, but when you're doing it with several dishes and making food for 7 people at once, it gets tiring.

 

And no, she doesn't like peas. But she likes frozen peas. :001_huh:

[bettyandbob]

I think the next time they are over and are still hanging around at dinner time, you need to tell your sister she needs to take the kids home so your family can eat.

 

I think she's showing and hanging out until dinner because she's lazy and doesn't have to feed her dc when spends time at your house.

 

Your just going to have to tell her it was nice visit and it's time to leave.

[justLisa]

I see how much food they waste when I don't do it so for me, it's necessary. I can't stand seeing food that I paid money for and cooked being wasted. And no, it's no big deal to scoop out some food, but when you're doing it with several dishes and making food for 7 people at once, it gets tiring.

 

And no, she doesn't like peas. But she likes frozen peas. :001_huh:

 

Oh I agree about the wasting food. Your sister is a grown up, if she doesn't like peppers she can eat at home. I am fine with simple accommodations, but if you don't like it then just don't have them for dinner. That's a lot of food to feed extra people often

[Beetkvass]

From what I read, I see you as bending over backwards to accomodate her family's food preferences and she doesn't reciprocrate on the same level. So I can understand your unhappiness. However, ( and I say this as a non vegetarian so I may just misunderstand), you are vegan (which as I understand it is a more restrictive list of acceptable foods than a vegetarian), and you are upset because she doesn't prepare foods that meet your higher standards.

 

If my understanding is correct, than it seems selfish to me to expect her to change her normal cooking to accomodate your food choices. But despite have a dairy allergic kid, I also don't understand why people with kids with food allergies expect others to cater to them (I'm not referring to anaphalactic allergies). My kid has different dietary needs. I make her foods or bring the necessary ingredients to make foods that meets her needs (for instance said child never goes to grandmas without almond milk because I don't expect them to provide that when they don't normally have it). I also have a kid who hates shrimp. My extended family gets together every Jan 1 for a shrimp party. I bring a different protein for my shrimp hating kid. I guess I don't feel it's someone else's (even family) job to provide food if for whatever reason who don't or can't eat what is being served.

 

If I were you, I'd work on slowly refusing to make special foods for her family when they visit and while you could mention it be be nice if she could make X that your family would eat, I would just plan to keep doing what you are doing on that front as far as bringing your own.

 

I'm just curious here. But do you feel the same about this if say a family invites other family members to travel two days by car to spend the holidays with them bringing all their 6 children and luggage? We have family who does this. They invite us to travel a huge exhausting distance to visit them. And despite knowing our dietary needs they make no effort to even incorporate dishes for us. So it's a long two day drive there and back and then when we get there we need to try and make alternate dishes for every meal.

 

They'd be pretty ticked if they traveled to OUR house and we deliberately only fed them my son's strict diet. Because for them holidays and travel are very much about enjoying extra pleasurable foods. Is it really truly unreasonable to invite family over and make the effort to make dishes they can enjoy as well? It just seems to me that traveling with kids is way more exhausting than staying in your own home with easy access to the grocery stores you are used to. And I am honestly baffled at my in laws total inconsideration of our needs.

 

I'm to the point of just refusing to even go to anyone else's house for the holidays because I'm sick of having to drag an assortment of dishes along with us or making a whole range of dishes on our own when we can squeeze in some stove time between others after traveling for two days. I just thought it was basic manners to consider the needs of guests you invite to your home? I really just thought they were super rude so I'm surprised to be reading the idea in this thread that it really is totally normal and acceptable to invite people to your home knowing full well that they can't for spiritual, ethical or health reasons eat certain foods and then make no effort to accommodate them.

[JVA]

Sweetie- You need to read the Boundaries book/s. You sound like a very giving person and your sister isn't. You'll have to decide how much you want to keep giving w/o her respect.

[GailV]

I'm just curious here. But do you feel the same about this if say a family invites other family members to travel two days by car to spend the holidays with them bringing all their 6 children and luggage? We have family who does this. They invite us to travel a huge exhausting distance to visit them. And despite knowing our dietary needs they make no effort to even incorporate dishes for us. So it's a long two day drive there and back and then when we get there we need to try and make alternate dishes for every meal.

 

They'd be pretty ticked if they traveled to OUR house and we deliberately only fed them my son's strict diet. Because for them holidays and travel are very much about enjoying extra pleasurable foods. Is it really truly unreasonable to invite family over and make the effort to make dishes they can enjoy as well? It just seems to me that traveling with kids is way more exhausting than staying in your own home with easy access to the grocery stores you are used to. And I am honestly baffled at my in laws total inconsideration of our needs.

 

I'm to the point of just refusing to even go to anyone else's house for the holidays because I'm sick of having to drag an assortment of dishes along with us or making a whole range of dishes on our own when we can squeeze in some stove time between others after traveling for two days. I just thought it was basic manners to consider the needs of guests you invite to your home? I really just thought they were super rude so I'm surprised to be reading the idea in this thread that it really is totally normal and acceptable to invite people to your home knowing full well that they can't for spiritual, ethical or health reasons eat certain foods and then make no effort to accommodate them.

 

I think your situation is quite different than the OP here.

 

On one hand we have someone hanging around the house, apparently hoping to be fed even though they weren't invited for a meal. And that person is acting as though they've wandered into a no-charge short-order restaurant. That's what the original post is about.

 

On the other hand we have someone invited to be a house guest for a few days. When someone is a house guest, it's legitimate to expect to be provided meals, a place to sleep, access to a bathroom, etc. That's what you're describing. And in your case I think your hosts should help you with the food situation -- they could still have their holiday-treat food AND have some things usable for you.

[OrganicAnn]

You need to stop. What is the saying about no one can't treat us poorly unless we let them. She won't magically wake up and say "wow what a great sister I have. I need to do as much for her as she does for me. " No if you want her to treat you better, you have to change the dynamics and that begins with stop feeding and catering to them.

[Impish]

I'm just curious here. But do you feel the same about this if say a family invites other family members to travel two days by car to spend the holidays with them bringing all their 6 children and luggage? We have family who does this. They invite us to travel a huge exhausting distance to visit them. And despite knowing our dietary needs they make no effort to even incorporate dishes for us. So it's a long two day drive there and back and then when we get there we need to try and make alternate dishes for every meal.

 

They'd be pretty ticked if they traveled to OUR house and we deliberately only fed them my son's strict diet. Because for them holidays and travel are very much about enjoying extra pleasurable foods. Is it really truly unreasonable to invite family over and make the effort to make dishes they can enjoy as well? It just seems to me that traveling with kids is way more exhausting than staying in your own home with easy access to the grocery stores you are used to. And I am honestly baffled at my in laws total inconsideration of our needs.

 

I'm to the point of just refusing to even go to anyone else's house for the holidays because I'm sick of having to drag an assortment of dishes along with us or making a whole range of dishes on our own when we can squeeze in some stove time between others after traveling for two days. I just thought it was basic manners to consider the needs of guests you invite to your home? I really just thought they were super rude so I'm surprised to be reading the idea in this thread that it really is totally normal and acceptable to invite people to your home knowing full well that they can't for spiritual, ethical or health reasons eat certain foods and then make no effort to accommodate them.

My MIL is vegan/vegetarian. I can't figure out which, since she makes this huge kerfuffle about being vegan, I ensure I prep her vegan food, then she hoovers 2 pieces of strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, points out that her salad didn't have cheddar and demands some, etc.

 

Anyways.

 

I make darn sure that *her* meal is prepped to what I've been told her standards are. Sometimes, everyone eats a vegan/vegetarian meal, other times I make her a diff version of what we're having.

 

So, I consider accomodating guests appropriate.

 

That being said.

 

I refuse to eliminate/change our entire eating habits during someone's stay. Esp when they invite themselves, like my MIL did for Easter, right after we were married, and huffed and carried on b/c I was eating ham.

[Catwoman]

They do, but they don't like certain foods. For instance, my niece despises peas, but she loves my mac-n-"cheese" which I always add peas to (this is how my kids like it). So I take out a portion for her before adding the peas. My sister hates red peppers and won't eat anything with them in it so if my meal calls for red peppers I either substitute them with something else or if possible, take out a portion for her before adding them. Each of the 4 of them has things they're picky about and rather watching them pick at their meals and waste half of it, I try to make them happy as best I can.

 

WHY, WHY, WHY do you do this???? :eek: :confused: :eek: :confused:

 

Your sister is playing you for a complete fool, and you're letting her do it. She and her kids are taking advantage of your good nature, and for some reason, you aren't calling her out on it.

 

I mentioned this in my last post as well, but I'm saying it again. This is your sister, so why can't you just be honest with her and tell her you're not putting up with her garbage any more? And in her defense, she may not even know you're upset. Maybe if you calmly tell her how you feel, she will be very surprised and remorseful. In any case, you owe it to yourself and to your sister to be honest.

 

You know I like you, Bean, and that's why I'm saying this. It's time to stand up for yourself and tell your sister how you really feel. You are being WAY too nice!

Edited October 23, 2012 by Catwoman

[Impish]

You need to stop. What is the saying about no one can't treat us poorly unless we let them. She won't magically wake up and say "wow what a great sister I have. I need to do as much for her as she does for me. " No if you want her to treat you better, you have to change the dynamics and that begins with stop feeding and catering to them.

Yup.

 

they're hanging around and supper's approaching? "Well, thanks for the visit guys, but I need to get supper going here soon, so we'll see you another time." And walk 'em to the door. Hanging around, waiting to be fed just not an option.

[justLisa]

WHY, WHY, WHY do you do this???? :eek: :confused: :eek: :confused:

 

Your sister is playing you for a complete fool, and you're letting her do it. She and her kids are taking advantage of your good nature, and for some reason, you aren't calling her out on it.

 

I mentioned this in my last post as well, but I'm saying it again. This is your sister, so why can't you just be honest with her and tell her you're not putting up with her garbage any more? And in her defense, she may not even know you're upset. Maybe if you calmly tell her how you feel, she will be very surprised and remorseful. In any case, you owe it to yourself and to your sister to be honest.

 

 

 

 

 

You know I like you, Bean, and that's why I'm saying this. It's time to stand up for yourself and tell your sister how you really feel. You are being WAY too nice!

Yep.

 

And I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you because I tend to be overly nice and accommodating. But I've learned to do it only for people whom I really want to. If I feel any sort of bitterness it is NOT giving. :grouphug:

 

It's sucky sometimes but it just is the way it is. Some people will take advantage as much as possible, and some people are always trying to do the giving. But again, giving is when you want to. If you want anything in return or feel bitter about it then STOP it. That goes for people taking advantage of you too.

[justLisa]

My MIL is vegan/vegetarian. I can't figure out which, since she makes this huge kerfuffle about being vegan, I ensure I prep her vegan food, then she hoovers 2 pieces of strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, points out that her salad didn't have cheddar and demands some, etc.

 

Anyways.

 

I make darn sure that *her* meal is prepped to what I've been told her standards are. Sometimes, everyone eats a vegan/vegetarian meal, other times I make her a diff version of what we're having.

 

So, I consider accomodating guests appropriate.

 

That being said.

 

I refuse to eliminate/change our entire eating habits during someone's stay. Esp when they invite themselves, like my MIL did for Easter, right after we were married, and huffed and carried on b/c I was eating ham.

 

That sounds like an old friend who said her dd went manic when given dairy. That was only when it was convenient. Other times she'd just say "oh it's fine if you cook it." LOL

 

I think she just liked attention

[Catwoman]

And I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you because I tend to be overly nice and accommodating.

 

Does this mean that if I stop by your house, you'll give me bacon?

 

I am more than willing to push the button by myself, so I really won't be much trouble. ;)

[bolt.]

It's not that she's going to "treat you better" if you offer her less hospitality (or less detailed hospitality). She will probably continue offering you what tends to anyways. It's just that the comparison won't hit you so hard between the eyes, becuase you have toned down your offer to be more level with hers. I don't think her level is "wrong" it just feels wrong because you have chosen to give to her vastly more than she has chosen to give to you.

 

If you are a hospitable person, you can find a way to be generous/hospitable to please yourself (and bless others) without thinking of it in terms of reciprocity... that might make you happy in the long run. (Some of the happiest people I know are like that.) In the meantime, if you feel it's unfair, make it 'fair' by changing your side of the equasion, not by expecting her to change hers.

[justLisa]

Does this mean that if I stop by your house, you'll give me bacon?

 

I am more than willing to push the button by myself, so I really won't be much trouble. ;)

 

Absolutely!! I always have bacon :D

[bolt.]

That sounds like an old friend who said her dd went manic when given dairy. That was only when it was convenient. Other times she'd just say "oh it's fine if you cook it." LOL

Note on that: my daughter doesn't digest large servings of dairy well... but it *IS* fine if you cook it. It's a difficulty with the milk protien, and cooking helps de-nature the protien. I do make exceptions of conveinence too... it's not a pleasant result, but it's not the end of the world.

[justLisa]

Note on that: my daughter doesn't digest large servings of dairy well... but it *IS* fine if you cook it. It's a difficulty with the milk protien, and cooking helps de-nature the protien. I do make exceptions of conveinence too... it's not a pleasant result, but it's not the end of the world.

 

OH I know, I'm the same way. I can tolerate just a smidgen. But not ice cream one day and not the other LOL