what do you do in situations like this???

[ProudGrandma]

I have 3 kids. Ages 12, 10 and 8.

 

sitiuation #1: after putting it off and not knowing what I wanted to do, I finally taught my daughter a couple months ago how to use a computer keyboard. She really wanted to learn and I just never got around to finding a program. As soon as I did, the other 2 kids wanted to learn too. I wasn't against it but my daughter was because "I had to wait until I was 12..."

 

situation #2. Last Christmas (again after 6 months of begging) we bought her a camera. The main reason we made her wait was that we don't buy big gifts like that "just because" and we had to wait until Christmas for an occasion. But now the other 2 are asking for one for Christmas this year. Again, I really don't have a problem with it...but if we do that, she was crab. I don't know if 8 is too young or not. we really thought 10 was too...but we have seen him handle my camera (even the 8 year old) and he does just fine.

 

Now...before someone gets upset with me...we DON'T give in just becasue my daughter crabs about something....I just want to see it from her perspective too...and not ignore it if it is a valid crab.

 

But I also have this situation...if I give a camera to my middle child...then the youngest (who often feels like he gets the raw end of the deal...and sometimes he really does) will feel that way again. This situatin for my youngest is amplified becasue he is quite short for an 8 year old and so many things that many 8 year olds are able to do, he isn't....drive go-carts alone, go an certain rides at amusement park, play with certain toys that were given to the 2 older before he was born or when he was too little care at the time.

 

So, I am sure we are not the only family with sitiuations similar...how do you handle them????

 

thanks.

[Parrothead]

Well, I think I'd explain it to dd that it was not an issue of age, but time/money constraints. Being 12 just happened to be when the time and money were a bit freer. I'd also point out that being a mature 12-year old means one finds joy in others happiness not turning other's circumstances inward as a reflection of how one perceives that one is treated.

 

In other words she needs to have the maturity to realize that in having their own her sibs won't be using and potentially losing/breaking her new stuff.

[lisamarie]

My 3 years older sister often felt the same way. She would wait and wait for something, and then finally get it, and I would, too. Did not make her happy. But usually it's because she never asked for something before then, whereas I had no such problems.:tongue_smilie:

 

Typing is something that I would tell her that you just didn't think about it, but it's actually really important. That you should have taught her sooner and that you're sorry you didn't.

 

The camera? Maybe give one to your 10 yr old but wait until next Christmas for the 8 yr old? Or just tell DD12 to get over it, that life isn't fair, and give one to both the youngers. But I'm mean like that. :D

 

For big things, I do think it's important to establish a set age or milestone. Ear piercing in our house will be on their 12th birthday (if they want it). Makeup will be at a certain age we haven't discussed yet. Dating--never.:lol: A new two wheel bike--when they learn how to ride the littler bike without training wheels. We like to reward milestones where if they accomplish something, they can get something new.

[ProudGrandma]

one thing with the camera deal too...her camera was my old one (but it was a great camera)....and I got a nicer one. The boys would never get as nice of a camera just because we couldn't afford it. The boys would probably never know the difference. However, my daughter scrapbooks and I honestly don't know what the boys would do with pictures...so I don't even know what the point would be for them...but to have a gadget. Maybe I need to find a different gadget for them to have that seems more practical for boys....sorry for thinking out loud here....amy other thoughts??

Edited October 6, 2012 by NEprairemom

[marbel]

I have 3 kids. Ages 12, 10 and 8.

 

sitiuation #1: after putting it off and not knowing what I wanted to do, I finally taught my daughter a couple months ago how to use a computer keyboard. She really wanted to learn and I just never got around to finding a program. As soon as I did, the other 2 kids wanted to learn too. I wasn't against it but my daughter was because "I had to wait until I was 12..."

 

"You waited till we had the program; it had nothing to do with being twelve. Now we have it, so your younger siblings may as well start learning now too."

 

situation #2. Last Christmas (again after 6 months of begging) we bought her a camera. The main reason we made her wait was that we don't buy big gifts like that "just because" and we had to wait until Christmas for an occasion. But now the other 2 are asking for one for Christmas this year. Again, I really don't have a problem with it...but if we do that, she was crab. I don't know if 8 is too young or not. we really thought 10 was too...but we have seen him handle my camera (even the 8 year old) and he does just fine.

I think if you have a child who is interested in having a camera and you can trust him with a camera, I'd get a camera.

 

Unless you set up a timeline in your family, such that certain things happen at certain ages, I don't see any reason to make each child wait to get something based on when the oldest got it.

 

By that logic my son should have gotten his ipod touch 18 months before his sister got hers. But they got them at the same time and are as happy as can be. They got them when we had the $$ and felt they were ready to care for them.

 

BTW my daughter (younger) got a camera before her older brother. She had the interest and the talent. Now he is thinking he'd like one, because he sees the pleasure she gets out of hers. He's not mad because she got one first. We would get him a cheaper camera because he is not as careful and his camera would be at greater risk of loss/breakage (such as taking it on Scout trips). That would make total sense to him and he wouldn't feel slighted.

Edited October 6, 2012 by marbel

[MeaganS]

I am the oldest of 6 kids, my dh is too. So I totally get where your dd is coming from. There were many times things like that happened to me and I didn't think they were fair. But sometimes that's just the name of the game. As I've gotten older, I've learned that it doesn't matter as much and I try not to resent things. It can still be hard on occasion, but it is just part of being oldest. There isn't an easy way to solve the problem. My parents have more money now than when I was a teenager, so my siblings who are still at home get many perks that I never had. But what I've learned is to not compare and just be happy with what I did have, a happy childhood. And I'm happy with where I am.

 

So I guess I would try to teach my dd that she should be happy for her younger siblings and try not to resent them.

[hillfarm]

I think you have fallen into the trap of trying to make everything fair. But life is not fair.

 

IMO, you should work to teach your dc not to expect the same things and how to be happy for them when someone gets something nice that you don't get. You could start by getting two of them conspiratorily together with you and saying that Janie has been working really hard and we are going to get her a small gift/do something nice for her as a celebration of all her hard work.They get to help choose, but they are not going to get anything. 8 is certainly not too young to learn this selflessness. Periodically switch which child is to receive the treat.

 

Then work your way up to finding something you can afford that each one wants and buy 3 totally different items. Explain that you thought carefully about what different things each one wanted. Help them to see that we have different skills, needs and desires so different things are needed to suit each individual.

 

You will be doing them a disservice in later life if you continue to teach them to expect everything to be fair. The boss's dd will get promoted faster. Getting upset about that only hurts your own job performance. Some families will have more material goods than yours and you will have more than others - get used to it. Bad things do happen to good, deserving people and good things do happen to really mean, rotten people. We live in a fallen world and that is how life is here. It is not fair. And the sooner your dc learn how to cope with this fact, the easier their lives will be.;)

[2cents]

We had that come up too. It is something you want to nip in the bud. I simply explain that every case is different and there are lots of reasons for the choices we make and it is not their place to question why any of the family members gets a gift or when. :)

[Catwoman]

I only have one child, so I may not be the best person to respond to your post, but I think it's a mistake to use the "not until you're 12" type of reasoning, because I know that whenever I say something like that, it always comes back to bite me in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

If your older dd gets upset because the younger kids are getting things at an earlier age than she did, I think she needs to suck it up and deal with it -- and you should probably not use the "you'll get one when you're as old as your sister," or "you'll get one when you're 14" kinds of statements. It's not like she isn't getting new things of her own, so I think you might want to tell her something like, "I know we waited longer to get a camera (or whatever) for you, but you love yours so much that I thought the other kids might like to have one, too." And there's also a lot to be said for coming right out and asking her why she cares what her siblings are getting, as long as she's getting what she wants.

 

As far as the keyboarding, I think all of the kids should be learning that -- and I don't think there's any reason to wait until they reach a certain age to do it.

 

I know you're worried about the fairness issue, and I absolutely understand that, but I don't think you should allow your 12yo to manipulate you into not getting certain things for her siblings. And I don't think the siblings should start demanding to have what their sister has, just because she has it -- I would be very big on saying things like, "Why would you want a camera, when you can have these cool Transformers instead?" or "You know, cameras are awfully expensive. Wouldn't you rather have other things instead?" Make concrete comparisons for the younger kids, so they will realize that if they get X, they won't be getting Y.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Catwoman

[Durriyyah]

I'd also point out that being a mature 12-year old means one finds joy in others happiness not turning other's circumstances inward as a reflection of how one perceives that one is treated.

 

In other words she needs to have the maturity to realize that in having their own her sibs won't be using and potentially losing/breaking her new stuff.

 

I love this.

 

Maybe you could try to make it a bit more equitable, like if the youngest gets a camera, they get an older used one, or more of a toy one that does work. You don't have to, and shouldn't, always give in, but maybe you can find a happy medium sometimes.

[Word Nerd]

No, life isn't fair, and many times siblings will do or get things for the first time at different ages for practical reasons. That's just the way it is, and I've explained that to my older DD. It sounds like this is the case for both situations in the OP.

 

I think established milestones should be applied consistently to siblings if a parent actually sets an age requirement, though. There were several milestones I had to wait for until I was a certain age that my sisters did not. It made no sense for my mom to explain that girls should be at least 14 to get their ears pierced for several reasons and then let my sisters get theirs done before that.

 

If parents actually set an age restriction for an older child and then break it on a whim for younger siblings, I think the "life isn't fair" excuse is hooey. If they're just arbitrary numbers, then why set them to begin with? If my mom hadn't made such a big deal about the age of 14, I wouldn't have cared that my sisters did not have to wait until the magic age. It was the inconsistently applied "rule" that bothered me.

Edited October 6, 2012 by WordGirl

[bolt.]

For the most part, I require most of my kids to share their possessions -- therefore I don't tend to buy things until they fit for the whole family. That means (a) that the oldest has an interest and the ability to use the thing well, and also (b) that the youngest isn't likely to abuse or destroy it. Or, with learning something special, until everyone can enjoy the process and at least get something out of it -- and everyone does it.

 

There are a few things that the oldest is free to keep away from the younger but that's only about risk of damage or similar issues (or sentimental attachment). Ownership does have some privileges, just not, "It's mine and you can't touch it!" privileges. I expect owners to be share-ers.

[Kirch]

The only things I would worry about being equal as far as waiting for a specific age are things that dh and I decide and clearly tell them they need to be a specific age to get/do. Otherwise I agree with the "get over it/life's not always fair" responses.

 

When I was growing up, almost everything I had to wait for a specific age to do (pierced ears, pantyhose, make-up, etc.), my little sister got to do earlier. It bugged me to no end at the time, but looking back as an adult I realized that it had more to do with my parents loosening up a bit and learning not to sweat the small stuff than with "spoiling" or favoring my sister. So maybe just remind your oldest that she's your parenting "guinea pig", the pioneer blazing the trail to make life easier for her siblings. :D

[T'smom]

Well, I feel for your dd. I was the oldest and dealt with a lot of stupid stuff that my parents then gave up on before my sister had to deal with it. "Strapless dresses are immodest-you're not wearing one. But your sister can 2 years later when we've loosened up. Playing video games will rot your brain.....but not when your little brother comes along"

 

Now, with the examples given- I would go ahead and let the youngers do it. They need to learn keyboarding. And I'd probably give the youngers cameras too- but not really nice ones. But I would also look for ways to give her privileges that the youngers don't have, try to make her feel special in a way. Certainly, you don't give in when she's crabbing about something. BUT try to see beyound what she's saying to what she really means. She (probably) doesn't really mean that she cares if her younger sibs have cameras. She really means she doesn't want to be treated the same as an 8 year old. Find some other way to make her feel like she's earned more rights and privileges.

[Impish]

There are certain things that we do put an age w/. Piercing ears, for example. Diva got hers done for her 12th birthday, Princess will also have to wait for that age.

 

As far as a camera goes, they do have models (Fisher Price?) that are meant for younger kids. I'd be likely to get the boys one to share for Christmas.

 

The keyboarding, I'd do as another pp suggested, and relate it to the program availability, not age.

[labst60]

I was the oldest of 4 - and my parents were WAY stricter with me - so I really do feel where your DD is coming from. And now, I see it with my own oldest (of 3) DD.

 

That being said - I think 8 is old enough for a camera (at least, it is here - every kid is different).

 

We had a similar experience when DD got a kndle for her 7th bday this year. 6 months later, I got one for DD who was turning 5. Similar to you - I saw that she was responsible with sister's - would really enjoy it - and that way I didn't have to worry about them "sharing". DD was initially a little upset because she saw it as a "big girl" thing - but she got over it quick as soon as she saw I wasn't giving in. :-)

 

I think it is important to not tie things to a particular age unless you (A) want this problem or (B) plan on waiting for the others also.

 

Vague "we'll see" or "when the time is right" type answers allow you a lot more flexibility in making changes to what you did with the youngers.

 

That being said - I experience it with pretty much everything growing up - and I am fine. The only "side effect" is that I'm probably a little more sensitive to my oldest DD's feelings (neither of my parents were the oldest) - but even with that increased sensitivity, we still occassionally have those issues. It's just part of life!

[labst60]

FWIW - we looked into the "kids" type fisher price (and similar) camera 2 years ago. I ended up getting DD(3 at the time) a Vtech camera and regretted it completely. It was no more "user friendly", the screen was WAAAAY smaller and the picture quality awful. The only possibility is that it held up better if dropped (but that's debatable b/c I've dropped my sony a few times with no dire consequnces). For the price I paid I would have been better off buying her a an entry model that didn't have a retractable lens (b/c that's the part a kid is most likely to break). I paid MORE than I could have for a low-range but reputable brand "real" camera and have ALWAYS regretted it!

[LisaKinVA]

In our family, we have developed a certain "special" gift associated with an age. Our oldest's first camera was passed down from us. He did get a good, relatively inexpensive camera later.

 

6 = first Bible

8 = first MP3 player

10 = camera

13 = first reference Bible

13/Christmas = first Laptop (a cheap one...with internet limited by adult password, to be used primarily for school)

 

Things that are more "family" use (such as learning games, the kids' computer, the Wii), have no ages.

 

There are other things that are gifts we associate with accomplishments (bridging to boy scouts, our younger son will get his trunk, mess kit, first aid kit and day pack basic camping supplies...he is buying his own sleeping bag). When older ds is 14, and old enough for more of the high-adventure things, he'll get a hiking backpack.

 

I have no problem saying "no" to my younger kids, and it becomes something they look forward to.

 

ETA: These ages are more a general statement regarding when we believe most of our children will be ready for them. I see no point in purchasing a Bible for a 3yo who can't read to drag around (my 3yo does have a "Baby Bible" with thicker pages...); Our children really aren't going anywhere they *need* an MP3 player, or a computer, or a camera. A lot of times kids ask for things simply BECAUSE the older child has one. By the time our kids are 10, they are usually going on troop camping trips or special excursions and we may or may not be along the entire time.

Edited October 6, 2012 by LisaK in VA

[LazyDazy]

We typically don't have this issue because we have a habit of giving the younger one things before we give them to the older one. Now before everyone attacks me for this, let me explain. The younger one got a bike first because he was the only one interested in one. The older one got one when he was interested. The younger one got a camera first because he asked for one. The older one didn't (and still hasn't). The older one has WAY more Legos than the younger one because he wants those. Just because one gets something that doesn't mean the other one will ever get that thing. We have found being ridiculously inconsistent makes our children less likely to expect anything.

 

We have also been known to explain that when you are ready you will be allowed to do "x" not when you reach a certain age. Or in some cases it is "you will be allowed when mom is ready". Actually, this is used more often than I would care to admit. ;)

Edited October 6, 2012 by LazyDazy

[SKL]

I am the oldest of 6 kids, my dh is too. So I totally get where your dd is coming from. There were many times things like that happened to me and I didn't think they were fair. But sometimes that's just the name of the game. As I've gotten older, I've learned that it doesn't matter as much and I try not to resent things. It can still be hard on occasion, but it is just part of being oldest. There isn't an easy way to solve the problem. My parents have more money now than when I was a teenager, so my siblings who are still at home get many perks that I never had. But what I've learned is to not compare and just be happy with what I did have, a happy childhood. And I'm happy with where I am.

 

So I guess I would try to teach my dd that she should be happy for her younger siblings and try not to resent them.

 

Yes, I was the 3rd of 6 and I too had those feelings. I can still remember how resentful I felt when I was 5 and my parents gave me an allowance because I was now old enough to understand how to spend it, and then my 3yo sister threw a tantrum so she got an allowance too. I felt that I always had to be good and patient in order to deserve things, but my younger siblings could throw a fit and get them sooner. Obviously I got over it long afterwards, but it is a very real feeling for a youngster.

 

If you aren't willing to leave a time gap, you could have the youngers work for the goody instead of waiting. Something so it doesn't look like the youngers get what they want just by asking, while the elder does not.

 

Another idea is to get the 12yo excited about helping the youngers transition to where she's at. Get her invested in teaching them keyboarding / photography. Let her set up a photography prep course using her camera (or an old one around the house), where the younger kids earn a camera after they "graduate."

 

Of course you could just say "too bad" and do what you want. It's not the end of the world. I like the idea of saying "I didn't realize how easy this was or I would have done it for you earlier, too."

[CalicoKat]

one thing with the camera deal too...her camera was my old one (but it was a great camera)....and I got a nicer one. The boys would never get as nice of a camera just because we couldn't afford it. The boys would probably never know the difference. However, my daughter scrapbooks and I honestly don't know what the boys would do with pictures...so I don't even know what the point would be for them...but to have a gadget. Maybe I need to find a different gadget for them to have that seems more practical for boys....sorry for thinking out loud here....amy other thoughts??

 

OK, because of the above I advise against getting them a camera. We gave our oldest dd a camera before she had a need or reason to have one. It was used as a toy.

 

Your dd has one to encourage her hobby. It's a tool.

 

Do the boys have a hobby that would lend itself to useful gadgets?

 

I'm a gadget lady myself. I pretty selective in what I buy. My sister loves gadgets too but she just buys them to have. She rarely uses them.

[happypamama]

Eh, I have to tell my kids that sometimes life just is not fair. The oldest got DH and me all to herself for a while, and she's the only girl, and she very often gets to do things first. Otoh, the boys get to do stuff at younger ages than DD did, but they rarely get to do anything first; their sister has almost always already done it, or they're all doing something together for the first time. It's just the way it is.

 

I do pull the "you're not X" age thing sometimes, but it's usually for the younger children. DD got to ride rollercoasters with DH and spend a week with her grandparents this summer; otoh, DS1 doesn't like being away from me and isn't big enough to ride coasters anyway (so it didn't make sense to pay for him to go as well), so it wasn't really a big deal. DS2 is the bigger problem -- he is sure he's as big as his siblings, and he hates to be left out, but sometimes we just have to say that he's not old enough.

[Elinor Everywhere]

OK, because of the above I advise against getting them a camera. We gave our oldest dd a camera before she had a need or reason to have one. It was used as a toy.

 

Your dd has one to encourage her hobby. It's a tool.

 

Do the boys have a hobby that would lend itself to useful gadgets?

 

I'm a gadget lady myself. I pretty selective in what I buy. My sister loves gadgets too but she just buys them to have. She rarely uses them.

 

:iagree: Finding a tool for their hobby would be appropriate, rather than just getting a camera to be getting one. We bought my dd a camera because she loves documenting the lives of our animals (:D), and we bought my son some handy-man tools because he loves fixing things (and taking things apart :tongue_smilie:).

 

As the baby in my family, I had to hear my sister complain (good-naturedly) for YEARS about how I got everything faster, didn't have a curfew as early as hers, etc. Fast forward all these years, and we tease her about it because HER baby (now 22) gets so much more than her first two ever did. Parents are usually strictest with the first, or so I've observed. My two are the same age, but occasionally I pull the "you're a girl" thing on my daughter, and it drives her nuts. Oh, well. :D

[Unicorn.]

Well, I think I'd explain it to dd that it was not an issue of age, but time/money constraints. Being 12 just happened to be when the time and money were a bit freer. I'd also point out that being a mature 12-year old means one finds joy in others happiness not turning other's circumstances inward as a reflection of how one perceives that one is treated.

 

In other words she needs to have the maturity to realize that in having their own her sibs won't be using and potentially losing/breaking her new stuff.

 

:iagree: My oldest does the same thing. "But I had to wait....". My sister (the oldest) still brings stuff up too.. "I didn't get a car until..." at which point I remind her that she was offered a car, and didn't want it, because it was ugly and old. Mine was just as old! This kind of thing has been going on in families for centuries. You can't really stop it, but you can point out that sometimes one gets something, and another doesn't, and that life isn't "fair".

[Barb_]

Kids just want to be individuals. Your daughter thinks she's upset because her younger siblings get to have things she had to wait for, but I'm willing bet it's more about them stealing a small piece of her identity. My youngers always look up to and copy the oldest one in the house. It's natural; that's how you learn, right? But it drives the older child NUTS. To the older ones, it feels like the youngers are always stealing their thunder.

 

I would insist they all learn to type but tell the youngers that photography is 12yo dd's "thing" for a while. Buy a camera later when the novelty has worn off and you are searching about for an appropriate present for your tween or young teen. 8-10yo are so much easier to buy for.

[katilac]

I would tell her the typing thing is just silly :tongue_smilie:

 

And the camera? Well, you said she asked for it for 6 months, and then got it last Christmas. That's not a super long wait, and her sibs are asking for one a YEAR later. It's not like she got hers for Christmas, and then they got one for their birthday in January.

 

My girls are 2 years apart, and it does often wind up that they do the same things at the same time. We have one tv that we generally watch as a family, so it's not real practical to say one of them can watch a certain show, and not the other, kwim? We do have a few milestones. Some are pretty set - you can't go to a dance until you are 13. Others are more fluid - you get a laptop as a gift for your 13th birthday, but we won't stop you from saving the money and buying your own before that.

 

I wouldn't NOT buy the youngers a camera just b/c they don't scrapbook. Photography is a wonderful creative exercise on its own. I have found that kids are quite often content to keep 90% or more of their pictures digital, so there's no great ongoing cost.

 

And, b/c I have ongoing trauma due to my mom deciding that I didn't truly want or need a chemistry set when I was a kid, I try really hard not to decide what my kids 'really' do or don't want/need for gifts :tongue_smilie:

If it's appropriate and in the budget, I take their word for what they want.

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, I'm going to go against the grain, it looks like. :tongue_smilie:

I don't think the typing thing is a big deal for the youngers to learn now. I like what a PP mentioned, that you tell her you kept meaning to (which I think you said, anyway, right?) and you should have let her do it sooner, and now you have it and the others can do it, too.

But the camera? I totally see where your DD is coming from. I'm of the persuasion that kids don't all need something just because one of them has it. I have seen that sort of thing a lot - older kid can't see ___ movie because younger kid can't see it. :glare: Or older kid can't do some activity because younger kid can't. And that is beyond fair/unfair. I don't even know what to call it - but an older sibling should have rights and possessions and other things that they have and the younger kids don't.

...AND I don't think there is really a need for a camera if they have no use for it. As someone else said, for her, it is part of something she enjoys and whatnot - for them, they just want one because she has one. I would get them something else 'gadget-y' and stick with that.

[Barb_]

But the camera? I totally see where your DD is coming from. I'm of the persuasion that kids don't all need something just because one of them has it. I have seen that sort of thing a lot - older kid can't see ___ movie because younger kid can't see it. :glare: Or older kid can't do some activity because younger kid can't. And that is beyond fair/unfair. I don't even know what to call it - but an older sibling should have rights and possessions and other things that they have and the younger kids don't.

 

:iagree: Were you an oldest? I was, LOL

[cindergretta]

We got ds18 an iPhone for his 18th birthday. Ddthen11 wanted one for her 12th birthday... No.

 

I don't get the typing thing :confused: but expensive toys need to be earned by maturity. Age can be a factor, but not always.

 

Also, we have a lot of dc with a wide range of ages. Life can be a real pain in the rear for the oldest dc, so sometimes they get things that younger dc don't to compensate for the added responsibility upon them.

 

I grew up with one sibling and she is 11 months older than I am. This never came up for me as a child, so I have no frame of reference for that. I have only a parental frame of reference based on my own family dynamic, kwim?

[PeacefulChaos]

:iagree: Were you an oldest? I was, LOL

 

Well, I was actually an only. :tongue_smilie:

I've just seen it - even when I was younger. :)

[Barb_]

Well, I was actually an only. :tongue_smilie:

I've just seen it - even when I was younger. :)

 

Ah, the observant only. Next best thing.