When your best isn't good enough ~ or doesn't feel good enough. Who can identify?

[Colleen]

This is going to be one of those, "I feel totally overwhelmed and just need to know it's okay and that others feel this way too at times" kinda posts. (Just a heads up to anyone who isn't in the mood for navel-gazing.:tongue_smilie:) More often than not, I do the best I can at my job ~ that being, caring for my home and family. Admittedly, I can slack off with the best of them, but I think most of the time I do the best I can. I imagine the same is true for the rest of you. The trouble comes when our "best" just doesn't seem to be good enough. It's like there's so much to do, all the time, and that "two steps forward, three steps back" sensation gets so awfully tedious, kwim?

 

It is summer, the weather is finally lovely, and this should be a pleasant season all the way 'round. But I'm feeling more overwhelmed than ever. Caring for the yard and garden takes a ginormous amount of time and it seems so ding-dang ridiculous to always be working out there and never have a chance to just sit and enjoy it. My marriage, as most of you know, is ever-challenging. The farm is always and ever of primary importance and farming doesn't take a summer vacation. I'm way behind in the farm bookkeeping.

 

I need and take a break from school work over the summer, but truth be told, the home atmosphere is better when school goes on full-force; without that schedule, it just feels like a whole lot more babysitting is required on my part. My middle son is struggling to find his place in the family, and while I absolutely love this boy, he has been driving me (and the rest of us) slightly batty. I guess he needs more of me, emotionally, but try as I might, I have nothing more to give.

 

I have a myriad of projects hanging over my head that I would like very much to accomplish. Are they absolutely necessary? Well, no, not all of them. Some are ~ like finalizing school plans for this upcoming year, ordering materials, familiarizing myself with said materials before plunging ahead. Some can wait, but the longer they wait, the more frustrated I feel that I can never get to these things. We (you, dear readers, and I) all know that real Projects, capital "P" ~ things that involve a great deal of thought and attention or making a mess or whatever ~ are simply too difficult to achieve with a posse of young people underfoot.

 

I am absolutely overwhelmed by how much time I spend on the food side of life. I know I'm in good company there.

 

I'm at that point wherein I need a break. I really do. I know I need a break when I spend the day doing something that should be totally enjoyable and feel keyed-up all day long. Like Saturday. Did a race in the morning with my oldest, after which dh and the rest of the boys met up with us. We lounged at the shore the whole day. But I wasn't really lounging. I was just thinking about the additional work I'd have when we got home and so on. Starting Sunday, we'll have two Ugandan orphans and a chaperone staying with us for a week. My boys are so looking forward to it, but I feel nervous that once that week is over, I am going to be at a breaking point. I feel guilty for saying this, but the last thing in the world I want right now is three more people to deal with. It will be fine while they're here ~ the opportunity to host them is a blessing to them, and to us ~ but after that...I just wish I could look now to some sort of break in the days after that. I have asked my husband to please go somewhere with the boys so I can get some work done at home. He doesn't really want to. So that's that.

 

Okay, as I said, navel-gazing ~ whining, if you prefer. I'm okay with that. I admit I'm whining. I'm whining because I'm overwhelmed and misery (granted, my life is not "miserable", but ykwim) loves company.

[JudoMom]

Okay, as I said, navel-gazing ~ whining, if you prefer. I'm okay with that. I admit I'm whining. I'm whining because I'm overwhelmed and misery (granted, my life is not "miserable", but ykwim) loves company.

 

Preach it, sister. And Amen. Whoever came up with the phrase "the lazy days of summer" was a delusional liar.

 

:grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

I'm running away this weekend.....the family thinks i'm going scrapbooking with friends, i'm just going to enjoy NOT being at home, and work on my stuff......

 

Hopefully you can get a break, a true break. If you can get to Central PA this weekend we have room ;)

 

More :grouphug:

[Tarheel Heather]

Preach it, sister. And Amen. Whoever came up with the phrase "the lazy days of summer" was a delusional liar.

 

:grouphug:

 

You said it!

 

Bills, painting, paying the bills, laundry, lesson plans, buying curricula, not happy where you are, again with the laundry, and a toilet avoindin' 3 yr old.

 

Colleen, you are not alone!:grouphug:

[WTMindy]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You have a huge job, Colleen. I have no words of wisdom (other than the bed in Spokane is always available for you) but I'm praying for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Marie in Oh]

I have so much to do, I don't do anything well, and everything else hangs over my head.

 

Like painting my entry -- that still has bare drywall from our kitchen project last summer. Argh!

 

Everything I do, food planning and prep, school, house, etc. take so much time and effort. And then gardening, mowing, etc. etc. etc. I actually mowed the weeds between the rows of my vegetable garden on Thursday. Pathetic I know, but I can't keep up otherwise. Double argh!

 

And there is always someone who needs me. The littles are easy-- kiss the boo boo, blow some bubbles, read a board book-- they are good.

 

It is the olders who are verging on adolenscence who need more of me emotionally than I have to give, and also drive me batty with their emotional ups and downs. Who knew that 10 year old boys lose half their brain and think all jobs finished when they are only 2/3 completed. Argh again. And that you can crush a 9 yo girl who is always sweet and compliant by telling her not to jerk the baby's arm off trying to maneuver her into the carseat on Sunday morning before church.

 

Topping it off is dh who is a new professor, eyeball deep in a 400K proposal for research and working every waking hour, home or away. Let's just say he's here, but he's not here. Sigh!

 

And we have missionaries coming for the weekend. Oh double sigh.

 

I agree when there is no school, there is more baby sitting. But I am so burnt out the thought just makes me shiver with angst. I just can't do it.

And I have tried.

 

So there you have it. I would love a weekend away with just me, myself and I but I don't see it happening.

 

How's that for good company Colleen? :glare:

[Caroline]

Colleen, you are one of those people who I admire. What you do every day would put me over the edge. I hope you get through this soon.

[Julpost]

I couldn't have said it better. I'm right there with ya!!

[Mamagistra]

No advice...just virtual Mike's, prayers, and the hope that you can manage some nice relaxing alone-time soon. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Erica in PA]

Colleen,

I don't have much time to reply, but I want to answer you, so I will cut right to the chase....I really think you *need* to take a break, as soon as your guests leave. Ask your husband again about taking the kids away for a few days. Tell him how very important, even crucial it is to you. Be a bit melodramatic if you need to. This is not the time to be your strong, confident, and rational self. Let it all out to him. Let think you're a raving loon, if that's what it takes. Even if he only very, very reluctantly agrees, I'd go forward full force. (Normally I'd want to make sure that my dh was totally on board with the idea, but at this point, I would encourage you to accept even a very weak agreement. I think it's that important for you.) If he absolutely *will not* take the boys no matter what you say, then I think you should go away yourself. Yes, it might be better to get that alone time at home where you can also get things done that you will feel good about, but even just getting away alone would be better than plugging along miserably the way you are right now.

 

You work hard, all the time. Things will be okay without you for a few days. If you were sick and in the hospital for a few days, your dh and kids would make it work, and get by. Maybe not perfectly, but things would not fall apart. And they won't fall apart with you taking just a couple of days to relax and recharge, either.

 

I really hope you'll find a way to do this. Your well being is important!!

 

Erica :grouphug:

[percytruffle]

I'm at that point wherein I need a break. I really do.

 

I have many of those times myself. Life is a treadmill most of the time if you let it be. We all need breaks and most of us don't take nearly enough of them or for nearly long enough. We put everyone else and their needs before our own. Ours are so far down the list we rarely get to them and if we do it is a half-hearted attempt at giving ourselves what we need. We end up with nothing to give anyone because nobody and nothing is refilling our vessel from which we are able to give. We become empty. A shell. Useless.

 

Women seem to experience this far more frequently. Would our dh's beat themselves up about not being good enough or getting enough done, or supplying everyone's needs? Not without our prodding;). Why do we feel the need to multitask ourselves to death? I just want to take a pill and become less "female" some days, ykwim.

 

I have recently begun to stand up for my needs more. I am going back to work in the fall and I'll be darned if I am going to keep up this pace. The dc do their own laundry now and dh has begun doing his. I am going to seriously cut down on the food prep, cooking, clean-up by giving the dc more control of their own meals. I am hiring a maid to come in and vacuum and dust and clean the bathrooms once a week when I start working. I am taking the summer to go through this place with a fine toothed comb and get rid of everything that is unnecessary (kind of like our lovely Jennifer and her halving task). I am even thinking about getting a pedicure for the first time ever. I refuse to allow the dc to enter my studio and interrrupt me or come on walks with me when I really need to be alone, or make me feel guilty in any way for putting myself on the list of needs around here.

 

Basically, I've decided to live the life everyone else in my family has lived for years and I have decided to stop beating myself up. I am not guilty. I am tired of feeling guilty for things outside my control. I refuse to have any more guilt piled upon my shoulders by myself or anyone else: family, church, fellow hsers...

 

I have stopped listening to all those little voices around me and begun to listen to my own. Gosh, I don't think I've even heard it since my oldest was born. I hardly recognise it anymore.

 

If we lived in Europe we'd take mid-afternoon breaks, have lunch at a little cafe, take six weeks off a year, etc, etc, etc. Here in the US we don't know how to relax and unwind. I am finding out that life just doesn't have to be this way. I have felt trapped, but I am not playing the victim any longer.

 

I want to let go of my guilt and start enjoying life again :)

[Doran]

Colleen,

I don't have much time to reply, but I want to answer you, so I will cut right to the chase....I really think you *need* to take a break, as soon as your guests leave. Ask your husband again about taking the kids away for a few days. Tell him how very important, even crucial it is to you. Be a bit melodramatic if you need to. This is not the time to be your strong, confident, and rational self. Let it all out to him. Let think you're a raving loon, if that's what it takes. Even if he only very, very reluctantly agrees, I'd go forward full force. (Normally I'd want to make sure that my dh was totally on board with the idea, but at this point, I would encourage you to accept even a very weak agreement. I think it's that important for you.) If he absolutely *will not* take the boys no matter what you say, then I think you should go away yourself. Yes, it might be better to get that alone time at home where you can also get things done that you will feel good about, but even just getting away alone would be better than plugging along miserably the way you are right now.

 

You work hard, all the time. Things will be okay without you for a few days. If you were sick and in the hospital for a few days, your dh and kids would make it work, and get by. Maybe not perfectly, but things would not fall apart. And they won't fall apart with you taking just a couple of days to relax and recharge, either.

 

I really hope you'll find a way to do this. Your well being is important!!

 

Erica :grouphug:

 

 

At a certain point, in my opinion, it's not a matter of asking permission.

 

(((Colleen)))

[TammyinTN]

You deserve a break!:grouphug: You work hard for everyone all the time...just do it!

[Colleen]

At a certain point, in my opinion, it's not a matter of asking permission.

 

(((Colleen)))

 

Thanks for the hug.:) I wouldn't ask "permission" of another adult ~ spouse or otherwise ~ to spend time on my own. Not if I'm going to do something entirely on my own, that is. If I need that person to go away and take five other people with him, though, that does require some give-and-take, not merely stating what's happening, kwim?[/FONT]

[Plucky]

Life is a treadmill most of the time if you let it be.

 

This is an excellent post. I think us moms expect perfection out of ourselves. We have standards that we really cannot meet and then we get burnt out.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the funny quote someone had here a while back. I think she said if she could write a book about her life it would be, Motherhood: What's the least I can get away with?

 

Just by being a hs mom alone I know she's not doing that but really I think we take on too much and expect too much out of ourselves. I think a more laid back approach can benefit the whole family because then mom isn't stressed, angry, or losing her mind.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I truly understand. I think if most of us were able to, we'd admit that we are in the same place. There's just so much on our plates as women, wives, moms, let alone homeschoolers, buisiness partners, and bookkeepers it's a wonder we don't go postal from time to time. God has wired us to endure a lot.

 

But, when we feel that it's gotten to be too much, we should never hesitate to say, "I'm taking a break." People get breaks from their jobs and we shouldn't feel as though we don't need one as well. I feel guilty when I say I need a break, but, I do it anyway. The guilt goes away as soon as I'm on my own for about 2 minutes!:D

 

Even just a weekend or a night or two in a hotel by yourself or with a friend if you prefer would really refresh you. It's necessary.

 

:grouphug:Let us know how you unwound! Take a break after your company leaves. Enjoy your retreat time!

[G5052]

I used to feel that I had to do it all well, but DH's injury six years ago and increasing disability has chipped that away. Now I'm content with a basically clean house and a yard that is basically kept up. I have to measure myself against what is reasonable for me in my situation versus the ideal and what others may be able to do. With a DH that increasingly cannot even help with the dishes, and I just can't expect to do it all on my energy and the help of two grade-school age children. I do my best and stop.

 

Summer is always hardest for me because of overwhelming yardwork every single day, and no co-op for a break away from home and fellowship. It's soon over though, and it's OK that my yard is currently ratty around the house and driveway because I haven't trimmed. I did get it mowed!

[Colleen]

I don't have much time to reply, but I want to answer you, so I will cut right to the chase....I really think you *need* to take a break, as soon as your guests leave. Ask your husband again about taking the kids away for a few days. Tell him how very important, even crucial it is to you. Be a bit melodramatic if you need to. This is not the time to be your strong, confident, and rational self. Let it all out to him. Let think you're a raving loon, if that's what it takes. Even if he only very, very reluctantly agrees, I'd go forward full force. (Normally I'd want to make sure that my dh was totally on board with the idea, but at this point, I would encourage you to accept even a very weak agreement. I think it's that important for you.)

 

You're right, Erica. It's hard because if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't be thrilled to hear I need to take the kids away for a few days, like it or lump it. It'd be different if he had some friends or family close by that he genuinely wanted to go visit, but that's not the case.

 

If he absolutely *will not* take the boys no matter what you say, then I think you should go away yourself. Yes, it might be better to get that alone time at home where you can also get things done that you will feel good about, but even just getting away alone would be better than plugging along miserably the way you are right now.

 

I think we (H & I) both know that I'd come home with the same things hanging over my head here at home; in that sense, it wouldn't really help in the long run. So he would likely go ahead and take off. I just wish for his sake that there was something/someone he really wanted to do, so it wouldn't just be marking time for him. (Which isn't to say he doesn't enjoy spending time with the boys, but he's with them a great deal already.)

 

You work hard, all the time. Things will be okay without you for a few days.

 

Oh, I know. I'm not worried about that. Thanks for taking the time to reply, Erica.

[battlemaiden]

We (you, dear readers, and I) all know that real Projects, capital "P" ~ things that involve a great deal of thought and attention or making a mess or whatever ~ are simply too difficult to achieve with a posse of young people underfoot.

 

Yup, yup, triple yup. This is where I am. one step forward, three steps back.

 

There just isn't enough of me. Plain and simple. I have reached the place where I know I can't juggle it all so I have to decide which ball I'm willing to let fall. I don't like it, but that is where I am too.

 

Jo

[Colleen]

we should never hesitate to say, "I'm taking a break." People get breaks from their jobs and we shouldn't feel as though we don't need one as well. I feel guilty when I say I need a break, but, I do it anyway.

 

I don't feel guilty.:) I suspect I get more time on my own than do many women on this board, and for that I'm grateful. That's often time away from home ~ grocery shopping, for example, or running. I appreciate that Hans is around the home/farm enough to make that possible for me. I don't want to sound like I'm not aware of my good fortune in this respect.

 

The difficulty for many of us, I think, is that when we want to just relax at home, take a break from work, well...we're still right here in the midst of the work! And it's funny, because my idea of "break" means getting work done. But in order to get that work done, I need to be free of the every-day work that accompanies caring for a family. And 'round and 'round it goes. I know this is a common complaint, but it helps to talk about it.

[Colleen]

There just isn't enough of me. Plain and simple. I have reached the place where I know I can't juggle it all so I have to decide which ball I'm willing to let fall. I don't like it, but that is where I am too.

 

Goodness, my friend, you've got one more child than I and another on the way, and an absent husband for the time being. Sending encouragement your way, too!

[Colleen]

We put everyone else and their needs before our own. Ours are so far down the list we rarely get to them and if we do it is a half-hearted attempt at giving ourselves what we need.

 

I'm not a martyr in this sense. I wouldn't say I put everyone's needs ahead of my own ~ if I did, I wouldn't be a runner, or stay up late, or frequent the WTM board.;) I do put the basic needs of people ahead of me in some cases. I consider homemaking my job. I would feel foolish designating all the associated tasks of homemaking to the rest of my family. Should they help? Yes, of course. And no matter what, I'm going to be the one organizing and delegating, which in and of itself is a job. But I feel participating in the actual labor is part of my job, and I'm okay with that.

 

Why do we feel the need to multitask ourselves to death?

 

Hmmm...I don't know that multitasking is the problem. I'm happy when I can accomplish a lot at once.

 

I just want to take a pill and become less "female" some days, ykwim.

 

Oh, now this I agree with. If I had my 'druthers, I'd be a guy, no question.

 

I have recently begun to stand up for my needs more. I am going back to work in the fall and I'll be darned if I am going to keep up this pace.

 

Well, that just makes sense to me. Aside from the fact that you'll actually be working outside the home, your children are young adults.

 

If we lived in Europe we'd take mid-afternoon breaks, have lunch at a little cafe, take six weeks off a year, etc, etc, etc. Here in the US we don't know how to relax and unwind. I am finding out that life just doesn't have to be this way. I have felt trapped, but I am not playing the victim any longer. I want to let go of my guilt and start enjoying life again :)

 

I do the "let's compare this to Europe" thing a lot, as you can imagine, but it just doesn't make sense to play that game. When I look at the people we know in Europe, the difference between their lives and ours are so stark as to make such comparisons fairly useless. They live in communities with close friends and family; they have built-in support systems (and babysitters). We don't. The actual structure of the business day lends itself to a different lifestyle. The farms are significantly smaller. Oh, you bet my bil who took over the family farm gets a whole heckuvva lot more time off than we do! And no wonder. His farm is a fraction the size of ours ~ yet he still has a full-time employee. The whole support system in Europe ~ familial, governmental ~ allows for a more relaxed pace of life. But...we don't live in Europe. Good golly, the worlds couldn't be any more different, as far as I'm concerned, but I sure would love to have more of what's there be my reality here. Sigh.

 

I am glad you're moving into a different phase in life, Lisa. That is as it should be, given the ages of your children. It's harder to apply when one is still responsible for five children, though. Hugs to you!

[jmgconner]

two steps forward, three steps back

 

Yep. I'm there with you. :grouphug: No advice, just an ear for listening to whining of the adult nature. :bigear:

[percytruffle]

I am glad you're moving into a different phase in life, Lisa. That is as it should be, given the ages of your children. It's harder to apply when one is still responsible for five children, though. Hugs to you!

 

 

Yes, I realize our circumstances are far different. It does get better as they get older, but it becomes difficult in other ways too. I know the changes I am making are about my stage of life, but hindsight is 20/20 too. I can look back to when my kids were your kids ages and see the mistakes (choices really) I made in my life decisions and how they have affected me today. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the moment of "where we are now" that we forget to look at the big picture and to do those things that will insure we are happy and healthy at later stages of our life as well. I look back and wonder how much of my headaches/backaches/anxiety/hormonal issues/ etc I am experiencing now could have been lessened by less stress back then. I know there were things I could have done differently and there were ways I could have reacted to my situations differently. Just sharing from the other side. ;)

 

We have never had a support system either, no family around. I always envied dh's family members that lived near one another. It does complicate things and you have to be careful to compensate for that lack of cummunity by easing up on your expectations a little.

 

Hugs back:grouphug:

[Hannah]

Is there any chance of hiring someone to take over some day to day responsibilities for a while so that you can create the time for yourself that you need at home?

Could you get a mother's helper, or a cook? Someone you could give the budget and some general guidelines and ask to feed your family for the week. Or a student bookkeeper? Or a gardener? Or just someone to guard your office door and deal with all the interruptions from the little people that don't absolutely need your immediate or personal attention?

I'm thinking along the lines of buying someone else's time so that you can take that time for yourself to complete some of your projects.

[DB in NJ]

Preach it, sister. And Amen. Whoever came up with the phrase "the lazy days of summer" was a delusional liar.

 

:grouphug:

 

Either a delusional liar or a six year old. Lazy-schmazy....

 

(((((Colleen))))) I so admire your REAL-ness; your transparency.

 

My friend, I understand. Although I don't have a farm, and our marriage is not a challenge (thank you, Lord!), I am overwhelmed with my own octapus that constantly pulls at me.

 

I've decided to do what I can with what I can and that enjoying some downtime (usually spent here) is NECESSARY. Granted, I spend more time here than I should (see, I can be transparent too ;)), but I like to just sit here and have some fun!! The rest of life is just so ding-dang busy and grown up and urgent and important.

 

So I make a list, prioritize, and work my way through it. I doubt that if I drop dead tomorrow my family will look at the list and say, "But she didn't get to Number Five yet!!!!!" That being the case, I doubt it was all that important after all.

 

:grouphug:

[Jenny in Atl]

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I haven't much to offer except :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and what Jenny in Atl. did. I also have Mike's Crantinis which I like better than the lemonade!

 

If you want to hop a plane, I have a room for you. Your stuff will be there when you get back, but I'll cook for you and bring you some Mike's while you are here. :001_smile:

[Stacy in NJ]

I have to imagine there are a ton of fun worthwhile camp experiences is Washington state; church camps (VBS), YMCA camps, sports camps?

 

Finances permitting, have you considered a sleep away camp or a trip to relatives for a week or two for your older children? Kids enjoy varied summer experiences, too.

[muffinmom]

My husband works out of our home, so I know what you mean about not feeling that you can take a complete break from the work atmosphere--my way of describing it: my home is not a sanctuary for me anymore. It's pretty bad when there's no where else to go!! Home was always the place where I could breathe a sigh of relief. But now, with work in the home and school in the home, it feels like home is not a place to exhale.

 

I have recently realized how important it is for me to get out more--it gives me perspective when I am home. And I don't mean going to the grocery. I have neglected my own quiet time and other adult relationships, particularly female friends. When I think about it, it sounds like work to me to do one more thing, i.e. go for coffee with a friend. But for a while, I think it will be a discipline for me, for my good, and then I'm sure the enjoyment and benefit will kick in.

 

Please give yourself what you truly need, whatever that might be. But try to be honest with yourself in identifying it.

[Rhondabee]

 

The difficulty for many of us, I think, is that when we want to just relax at home, take a break from work, well...we're still right here in the midst of the work! And it's funny, because my idea of "break" means getting work done. But in order to get that work done, I need to be free of the every-day work that accompanies caring for a family. And 'round and 'round it goes. I know this is a common complaint, but it helps to talk about it.

 

 

I can so relate to your other comment about not *really* lounging, too. When I worked from home, it took a long, *long* time for me to feel comfortable not being "on" all the time. And, I didn't homeschool at the time!

 

And, I *do* understand how difficult it is to set boundaries of "work" and "home" when work *is* home. And how very stressful that can be.

 

I'm pretty sure things came to a head around here at some point. IOW, my dh set me straight! We only rarely fight, but seems I do vaguely remember him telling me basically to just get over myself. (said with a "hindsight is 20/20" smile on my face - it *was* what I needed to hear!) His favorite song at the time had the lyrics along the lines of "If you want to be somebody else, if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself...(something I forget)...change your mind," and I remember him quoting it to me a number of times!

 

I *knew* this - that our thoughts and expectations affect us emotionally. That it isn't really so much the circumstances that we find ourselves in that zap us of our happiness; our reactions, our thoughts, our misbeliefs about those circumstances *do*. But, I think we all go through seasons where it's just hard to see where we need some adjusting.

 

(If you're interested, my favorite book is Telling Yourself the Truth by William Backus. It is all about finding those misbeliefs and replacing them with the word of God. I know, the last thing you probably want is a book recommendation! :))

 

You have such high standards, Colleen - many of which I used to share and have sacrificed in order to find peace. You are a true inspiration! So, I earnestly pray that you will find a way to continue being true to all that you hold dear.

 

:001_smile:

Rhonda

[Sharon in SC]

Oh, Colleen, trade out the exact circumstances and I could have written your post. I am absolutely overwhelmed by all that is on my plate right now and, as I just told a friend, today, while I have the heart to tackle my responsibilites, I can't seem to get my mind and my body to comply. I feel paralyzed 'cause it is all so daunting. I know how much time each chore will need and that measure of time far exceeds what I have. How do I start? Where do I start? I don't have the answers to those questions right now so I sit here and chat with you. :-}

 

Thanks for posting. It is nice to know I'm not alone!

[muffinmom]

I do the "let's compare this to Europe" thing a lot, as you can imagine, but it just doesn't make sense to play that game. When I look at the people we know in Europe, the difference between their lives and ours are so stark as to make such comparisons fairly useless. They live in communities with close friends and family; they have built-in support systems (and babysitters). We don't. The actual structure of the business day lends itself to a different lifestyle. The farms are significantly smaller. Oh, you bet my bil who took over the family farm gets a whole heckuvva lot more time off than we do! And no wonder. His farm is a fraction the size of ours ~ yet he still has a full-time employee. The whole support system in Europe ~ familial, governmental ~ allows for a more relaxed pace of life. But...we don't live in Europe. Good golly, the worlds couldn't be any more different, as far as I'm concerned, but I sure would love to have more of what's there be my reality here. Sigh.

 

I do the comparison, too, and I don't think it's a game not worth playing. I think it is a reality check--just because our culture doesn't primarily support that way of life doesn't mean it's not good to aim for it, to change the way it's done here. Someone has to lead the way.

 

My husband and I have deliberately made choices about work and school and church in the last couple of years to simplify and stay as much as possible in our neighborhood. For example, we didn't like the school our ds was zoned for. We could have put him in private school, but then he would be making friends across town and thus would begin our lives of constantly driving and not living near anybody we were friends with. We did not want that for ourselves. We were happy in our home, so we decided to let our neighborhood supply the majority of our relationships. To that end, we have really deepened our relationships with our neighbors--they're all we've got, after all! ;) But it's been great because now we have people to count on who are across the street, the next street over, etc. We've met other homeschoolers in the neighborhood. And it's been such a relief to focus our life, to have narrower parameters, to have our worlds integrated.

 

I don't know if that's possible for you, but I encourage to see if you can't start building a support system to give you the life you've always wanted. Open your mind as to whom that system might include. I've been pleasantly surprised.

 

In any case, I completely identify with your feelings. Hope this week will be peaceful for you.

[muffinmom]

Is there any chance of hiring someone to take over some day to day responsibilities for a while so that you can create the time for yourself that you need at home?

Could you get a mother's helper, or a cook? Someone you could give the budget and some general guidelines and ask to feed your family for the week. Or a student bookkeeper? Or a gardener? Or just someone to guard your office door and deal with all the interruptions from the little people that don't absolutely need your immediate or personal attention?

I'm thinking along the lines of buying someone else's time so that you can take that time for yourself to complete some of your projects.

 

:iagree: We do some of this. It is so worth any sacrifice of money to have peace of mind about certain things.

[Tap]

I was in the same place a month ago. The pharmacy was needing me more and more with sick employees out. Dfd is definitely showing her 'toddlerhood' right now, painting with her poop on the walls, taking a Sharpie to the entryway and living room carpet, oh, and did I mention the load of laundry she decorated! She also has food allergies so I have to make her separate meals from ours so that just adds to the equation. I have so many projects that needed to be done at the house, and some that we just really, really wanted done. I have ds to chauffeur around for swim team, dd for volleyball and various other commitments. My husbands company has its two busiest weeks in late June/ early July and he was pulling 16 hour days. Then the swim team wanted either 8 hours of donated labor to the fireworks stand or $250 to buy out, I literally didn't have 8 hours to give. We have court dates, CASA visits, Caseworker visits, lawyer visits, WIC and TANF appointments, doctor appointments, podiatrist appointments and parent visitations, all for dfd in June/July. That is just the tip of it.

 

I am only saying that while the farm is a huge commitment...you may not have a simpler life without it. Friends always tell me I should quit my job. But I know that if I did, I would fill the time with something else. I am an active person, and simplifying my life will never happen. You seem like a similar person.

 

My plate was so, so full though, that I was loosing it.

 

My solution was to hire contractors and to take a vacation, at home, to get some work done. I hired a typical contractor to remodel a closet and to finish a room in my house. I paid them to do things like painting, that I could have done my self. I didn't care...I just wanted it done!

 

Then I hired a friends husband to do odd jobs for $15 an hour. He did some plumbing and flooring and is helping me with some misc projects. I am also going to hire a mother's helper with the baby for a few weeks while the handy man and I install some new laminate upstairs. I will spend about $2000 in labor costs this year, but it is worth my sanity to do it! Did I mention, the worker is here to do my projects...not dhs!

 

When the contractor was here, I was able to get a few smaller projects done that would have been on the end of the list, and never completed this summer. It was just as nice to get these items off my list as the big items! I even got the gumption to list my 50gal reef tank (aquarium) on Craigslist and sold it in a few hours. I am working on having less things to take care of! I hadn't sold the aquarium yet because it takes a lot to break it down and sell it. But now I don't have to clean it or water it every again weeeee!

 

If you can eeeek out the money, I would recommend hiring someone. It may not be cheap, and irritating to pay someone $15 an hour to wash windows that I can do myself, but the point was to have everything done at one time. And Not done by me! I feel so much better having the projects done.

 

 

I hope you consider it,

It really is an amazing feeling to see your projects getting done while you have time to do the things that you want to do.

 

Tap

[LNC]

I also believe that I need time alone. And I have one extended time per year and several short times.

 

Yet, still when the pressures of daily living get to me I still want to escape on a regular basis. In spite of these regular sabbaticals!

 

I enjoy Ann Voskamp's blog. Do you read her? I think you would enjoy her writing. This post is one of my favorites bc it really speaks to this issue in my heart.

 

http://aholyexperience.com/2007/02/steam-escape-and-pressure-work.html

[Dawn in Ohio]

 

I need and take a break from school work over the summer, but truth be told, the home atmosphere is better when school goes on full-force; without that schedule, it just feels like a whole lot more babysitting is required on my part.

 

This rings true for me this summer. I was *so* looking forward to a break from school, but it hasn't been as enjoyable as I'd hoped. I am tempted to start school very soon. I can't stand undirected kids and the extra "baby-sitting" required.

 

I am sorry things are so tough for you right now. :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

I have asked my husband to please go somewhere with the boys so I can get some work done at home. He doesn't really want to. So that's that.

 

Is it? I see two options. "Take them away or I'm going to go insane and believe me, your life will be much more comfortable with a sane wife." Or send them to visit relatives or friends. Even a weekend would help. There have been times when I've barricaded myself in my bedroom so dh has had no choice but to entertain Miss Cyclone.

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Chris in CA]

 

And it's funny, because my idea of "break" means getting work done. But in order to get that work done, I need to be free of the every-day work that accompanies caring for a family. And 'round and 'round it goes. I know this is a common complaint, but it helps to talk about it.

 

Same here - I love the feeling of getting things done. I don't have nearly as much on my plate as you do - less than half of the dc :001_smile:, so I'm amazed by what you get accomplished as it is

Really, I don't have an answer just a sympathetic shoulder - I hope you get that time to get things done, it feels so good to accomplish what's been hanging for weeks, months? on the to-do list. Is there a local day camp or vbs that could give you a couple hours a day for a week or so?

[Danestress]

I really have a great life. I know that. I have lovely children, parents I love and sisters who really care about me.

 

But right now, I feel like it's all just falling apart. I've tried all summer to meet my father's needs (he has Alzheimer's and fell and broke and ankle, so he needs constant supervision because he can't remember not to put weight on it). He's also crabby and difficult with my mother, who is basically starving to death - literally and figuratively. She weight about 90 pounds and is frail and I just know she will have a stroke, and then my life will dissolve in a puddle of tears. I should be cooking for her, but the visits are about all I can manage right now.

 

I have nothing. nothing. nothing planned for the new year. My sons, who are typically very cooperative and pleasant, just aren't interested in school right now. There's nothing they really want to learn. It's bumming me out.

 

We are at the beach on "vacation" which never feels entirely like a vacation, because I still plan and prepare meals, clean, do laundry, fret. Last night Frankie broke his wrist running to a friend's house. I'm totally stressed about it. He's getting a cast Wednesday after the swelling is down. My delightful child is depressed - God love him. He can't swim, he can't play violin, he can't play tennis, and it's not looking good for him to go on a vacation he's looked forward to for weeks. My twins' best friend invited them on a vacation to the outer banks. I love and trust the parents, and after some fretting, DH and I decided to let them go. The good part would be a WEEK for me to get my homeschool act together.

 

Now Frankie has a broken wrist, and probably can't go. It would just be too much trouble for the other family. So Will could still go by DH is quite firm that he's not sending one family member off alone. SO then I could go with them, but who wants to crash someone else's family vacation? Sigh.

 

I just feel like I'm pulled in so many directions, and I want to cry. My boys will be beyond devastated if they don't get to go on this trip. I feel like I just fail people at every juncture. I'm exhausted, and I would really like some time alone. Instead my college age son is coming with all his "Stuff"for ten days because there is a lapse in the periods of two leases. SIgh

 

Anyway, my best is NOT good enough right now!

[Doran]

I know there are others who posted here (and probably many who did not) who share your pain. I've already hugged Colleen, but here...

 

 

 

...there's room for everyone!

 

 

I'm especially touched by your stuggles with your parents, Dana, for I live that as well. Please know that I've sent some stamina and patience your way in that regard.

[jail warden]

Wow, I could've written this post!!!

 

My dh is training to be a firefighter and so a lot of his time is spent at the fire station. Every Monday night he's there. Plus he has his regular full-time job which is Tues-Sat and takes overtime when possible to help our financial situation. So needless to say, I take care of our huge garden and mow our 3 acres. The candle is burning at both ends.

 

I'm tired and yet, I love working outside, I wouldn't give up my garden even if I could. But man it saves tons of money.

 

I need to plan for next year and now I have questions about some of my curriculum. So I just feel overwhelmed! I have many projects around here that never got finished when we were doing our addition/renovation and I have no time and then when I finally have time I collapse because I have no more energy!

 

It has made me want to escape by putting the kids in school, but I love school. (all except when ds drags his feet to do his work:tongue_smilie:) Why am I the only one who should give up my dreams? How's that for selfish!:glare:

 

So all this to say, you're not alone. Hope it goes better (((Colleen))) and you can get away! ETA I mean that the boys and dh can get away!

[Melinda in VT]

Colleen, let me apologize at the outset if this comes out disjointed. I am writing it in little bits of time I snatch while my computer is processing.

 

I think most of us have posted an I-can't-do-it-all post at one time or another. The board is a great place to vent and get encouragement. I do worry, though, at the frequency of your posts similar to the one that started this thread. I'm not worried because you're posting, but because you are feeling overwhelmed so often. Please, take action to get your break. From a purely selfish standpoint, I value your presence on the board, and I'm thinking they don't have computer access in the padded rooms. ;)

 

Now about your desire to have a break that is also productive. I have two thoughts, maybe one of which will spark something helpful.

 

First, could you load everything you need for homeschool planning into the car and head for a quiet hotel or B&B? You could get all set for next school year. My job requires me to go away about three weeks a year. I work 10+ hours a day while I am gone, but in the evening I am all alone. I am always surprised by how restorative the silence is.

 

A second option might be to take an absence from parenting/housework/etc while you are all in the house so you can focus on projects. Plan for meals the kids can slap together themselves. (Your oldest is 12ish or so, right? My 12 yo can make scrambled eggs, pancakes, pop frozen pizzas in the oven, make deli sandwiches, etc. It's not fancy, but no one will starve.) Let them watch way too much TV (or too many DVDs) for a weekend, and work like crazy on whatever is driving you bonkers the most.

 

I did this recently. Like you, our living quarters are determined by the business. Moving is not an option. Our living space is too small. And feeling smaller every minute the kids get older and bigger. (I have four ranging from 2.5 to 12.5.) I have one small room that is our kitchen, business office, living room, and dining area. The previous owner left the office set up when she left. Because I've always been overwhelmed with the inn, my other job, the kids, etc., I have never taken the time to really declutter the office area. (Previous owner was somewhat of a packrat.) Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago, and I decided that 4.5 years was long enough to live hating my living space. Literally, I cringe every morning when I walk into the room.

 

So I took a weekend and seriously decluttered the office. (The kids were on their own for the weekend. I was there for emergencies, but not available for much interaction.) I rethought how to make the best use of space, rearranged the furniture (including moving some bookshelves into the bedrooms), ordered a new desk with better storage for our space, and convinced DH to move phone extensions and internet cables. I've painted the ceiling and am doing the walls one wall at a time, after the kids go to bed. The room looks better already, and I can't wait until it is done. I smile when I walk downstairs now.

 

The kids lost my attention for a weekend, but I think the benefit of a calmer, happier mother (not to mention a more inviting and functional living space for the entire family) was well worth it.

 

Anyway, if I don't post this now, I'll never get it finished. I hope some of this was helpful and that it came across as friendly and not annoying.

 

Best of luck navigating all you have going on right now.

[Colleen]

I appreciate all the encouragement and commiseration. There really are no easy answers; to a degree, what stands before me is what stands before me, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At times, it is a matter, though, of feeling just a Sharon in SC said:

 

I feel paralyzed 'cause it is all so daunting. I know how much time each chore will need and that measure of time far exceeds what I have. How do I start? Where do I start?

 

Those are the times when "Do the next thing" is followed by, "Which thing? When? How?" Yes, that paralysis. We all feel it sometimes, I know. But my need for some space/time is very real right now, and am giving further thought to how best to achieve that. I need first to summon my energy to host the Ugandan children next week. Beyond that is Fair week, when my boys show cows and are involved in a myriad of other projects. It's consuming, but a highlight of the year for them and I want to enjoy it with them, too. Last year I was taken down with a serious respiratory infection in the midst of Fair week and I missed out on some things that were important to me. So, I hope to get through these milestones successfully and then, Lord willing, have that much-needed break. I'll keep you posted. Thanks so much for chatting with me.:)

 

Oh, and (((Dana))), I am sorry for the situation with your parents, and I am, while not right there with you, on the road. Each time I see my father, he is increasingly frail. I've mentioned he has Parkinson's and some other issues. It is so hard, so very hard, to see our parents aging.