When dads are against homeschooling

[joannqn]

I have a friend with an almost three year old , and she's interested in homeschooling.

 

Mom works part time and has the ability to create her own schedule. When she's at work, the child is with a nanny who cares from him one-on-one. It's a pretty good situation, and he's thrived on it. He seems to be pretty bright, and mom is concerned that school won't be a good fit. (She was one of the bright kids who taught other kids rather than be taught.) She wants another child and says she won't be able to afford child care for both so she's expecting to stay-at-home eventually.

 

Anyway, hubby recently came out as against homeschooling. They were here recently, and he cited socialization as a concern. He also seemed to think you needed to be an expert to teach.

 

She told me that they talked about it again, and he wants his child to go to a private Christian school like he did. Unfortunately, I believe that if his kid is as bright as mom thinks, the public schools would actually be a better place because our school district seems to have a better gifted program than I'm used to seeing. She also thinks hubby doesn't want to lose her income.

 

I've sent her links to some information about the socialization studies and the 2009 homeschoolers grow up study.

 

She wants to shadow me to see what homeschooling is like. I suggested she come over for two hours a day for a week. I'd have enough materials ready to have her son do preschool with my daughter who is kind of tagging along with my kindy student. She's also gone on a homeschool park day with me and wants to do some field trips with us.

 

What else can she do in the next two years?

 

BTW, her hubby said I was a bad influence.

 

 

ETA: He also thinks all of her arguments are invalid because their child won't be in public school.

Edited August 22, 2012 by joannqn

[FairyMom]

Oh, that's a tough one. I'm not sure there's much she can do but talk to him for the next two years. He's so young, so she's got time to talk about the facts and separate them from the myths/misconceptions. However, it would be very hard to homeschool without spousal support. I cannot imagine it. There are levels, of course, ranging from ambivalence to gung-ho; but someone who was against it would create a lot of stress. What if there were a problem, math, writing, attention, if the spouse wasn't on board, there might be a constant "just put him in school." She would be alone. This is one area where it is extremely helpful to be in agreement. :grouphug:

 

For the record, I'm not a submissive wife, but a supportive spouse is really necessary for longterm success in something so out of the ordinary as homeschooling.

[redsquirrel]

If the dad is open, maybe offer to talk to HIM about any concerns he has. Offer to let him shadow you, look at how you meet state requirements etc. But if he refused I would stay out of it.

 

If she talks him into it and things don't go well, it will always be your fault. If this turns into a source of tension in their marriage it will be your fault. (I don't actually think anything would be your fault.)

 

You don't want that.

[Walking-Iris]

I personally would stay out of it to some extent. If the mother wants to borrow books or shadow along and meet up at the park that's just fine. But I would stay clear of offering means of convincing her husband. That's their private matter to figure out as far as how to educate their child.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

BTW, her hubby said I was a bad influence.

 

 

ETA: He also thinks all of her arguments are invalid because their child won't be in public school.

 

 

:blink::glare: Private schools can be just as bad (and sometimes worse) than public schools. Yes, even Christian schools.

[jennynd]

Yep, we have some bad experience with private school. Anyhow, I will answer question she has but I will avoid making suggestion. It should be a private decision between her family

[marbel]

If she talks him into it and things don't go well, it will always be your fault. If this turns into a source of tension in their marriage it will be your fault. (I don't actually think anything would be your fault.)

 

You don't want that.

 

Yep. You don't want anyone to be able to point to anything you did and put blame on you, however misplaced it would be.

 

I personally would stay out of it to some extent. If the mother wants to borrow books or shadow along and meet up at the park that's just fine. But I would stay clear of offering means of convincing her husband. That's their private matter to figure out as far as how to educate their child.

 

Yes again. I would be as unbiased as possible in giving information.

 

You could be seen as working to undermine their marriage or the father's place in the family. I know that's not your intent! Of course! But if the dad is against it, that's how he might see it.

[MomatHWTK]

:iagree:

[Canadianmumof5]

I personally would stay out of it to some extent. If the mother wants to borrow books or shadow along and meet up at the park that's just fine. But I would stay clear of offering means of convincing her husband. That's their private matter to figure out as far as how to educate their child.

 

:iagree:

 

He has made his point clear to you and his wife. I think any continued discussions between you & her could be perceived as interference in her marriage.

 

I know you want to support her, but this doesn't sound like something you want to be stuck in the middle of, KWIM?

 

With any luck,maybe he will change his mind once his child is in school.

[merry gardens]

Since your friend's husband desires to send their children to a Christian school, I assume they are Christian. She should pray over the matter.

[Bang!Zoom!]

No advice Jo, but rolling on the idea that YOU of ALL people..."a bad influence"...

 

Your kids are getting like the worldwide dream childhoods...geez...

[LibraryLover]

He's ony 3, so she has two more years, and I would not fight the fight at this point. First -time parents think 5 years old is soooooo old; and very often expect even more than the smartest child can produce without issue or fuss. I would make sure to invite the family to hsing events; fairs, park days etc. Let him see the the hs'd children, meet their clearly bright and articulate parents. Let him watch the children 'socialize'. She's not even pregnant yet.

 

I would absolutely let it go for now, and just chit chat with them and include them in fun hsing gatherings. At this point in time, discourse will get them nowhere.

Edited August 22, 2012 by LibraryLover

[WTMCassandra]

:blink::glare: Private schools can be just as bad (and sometimes worse) than public schools. Yes, even Christian schools.

 

Sometimes, ESPECIALLY Christian schools, if some parents put in a child who was kicked out of a public school hoping a Christian school would reform him. Ummmmm, no. Been there, lived that. The notorious bully in my otherwise excellent Christian K-8 school when I was growing up was one of those children. He was horrendous.

[joannqn]

The whole interfering with her marriage thing got me thinking before I even got responses. I sent her links to articles and studies about socialization and success of homeschooling.

 

I'm done with that. She's welcome, of course, to come over or go on trips with us as she wishes. It's more of a play date for her son and my daughter at that point.

[Kathryn]

:iagree:

 

He has made his point clear to you and his wife. I think any continued discussions between you & her could be perceived as interference in her marriage.

 

I know you want to support her, but this doesn't sound like something you want to be stuck in the middle of, KWIM?

 

With any luck,maybe he will change his mind once his child is in school.

 

:iagree: This is a marital issue between them at this point and not something up for discussion from his end. I'd stay out of it beyond anything she specifically asks of you.

[Catwoman]

The whole interfering with her marriage thing got me thinking before I even got responses. I sent her links to articles and studies about socialization and success of homeschooling.

 

I'm done with that. She's welcome, of course, to come over or go on trips with us as she wishes. It's more of a play date for her son and my daughter at that point.

 

Sounds like a good plan to me. :001_smile:

 

If she really wants to homeschool, she's the one who needs to make the case to her dh (and the best way for her to do that is to do "preschool at home," so her dh will see what an amazing teacher she is. She should also join homeschool and other groups, so her dh will see that socialization can happen without being in a classroom.)

 

She has plenty of time to convince her dh, if his opinion is of great importance to her, so she doesn't have to make this a hill to die on anytime soon. But if she wants to homeschool and have his approval, she should figure out how she can demonstrate that she's serious about both education and socialization.

 

I guess I never quite understand it when a woman just automatically assumes that her dh gets to make the decisions regarding the children's education. At best, it should be a mutual decision, but if there's major conflict about it, I think the parent who spends the most time with the kids should have the final say. (I also think it's incredibly wrong when a dh insists on homeschooling when the mom doesn't want to do it.)

 

Whatever the case with this couple, I think you need to be careful not to let your friend suck you into the middle of what is essentially a marital dispute. If she does, it won't end well. You'll take all of the blame in the end, and you may very well lose the friendship as well.

[celticmom]

My dh was against homeschooling originally. He wanted dd7 to go to a private school. We both agreed that the public schools in our state were not an option. He made the tactical error of giving me an ultimatum that if I wanted to homeschool I would have to handle everything related to it. As soon as it was out of his mouth he realized that there was no way he could handle everything related to dd attending school(especially the drive to drop her off and pick her up). He also realized that he did not want the job of getting dd ready in the morning since he has trouble getting himself up and ready in a timely manner.

 

As a compromise I enrolled dd in Kumon so she would get a limited "school" experience and started teaching her. She is now about 2 years ahead of where she would be if she were in a private school and dh is definitely supportive of homeschooling.

[UnsinkableKristen]

He's ony 3, so she has two more years, and I would not fight the fight at this point. First -time parents think 5 years old is soooooo old; and very often expect even more than the smartest child can produce without issue or fuss. I would make sure to invite the family to hsing events; fairs, park days etc. Let him see the the hs'd children, meet their clearly bright and articulate parents. Let him watch the children 'socialize'. She's not even pregnant yet.

 

I would absolutely let it go for now, and just chit chat with them and include them in fun hsing gatherings. At this point in time, discourse will get them nowhere.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Her husband is against it, her son isn't even 3 yet, and she's making this a sticking point - why? She has YEARS before anything needs to be done. Surely she could just continue this discussion with her DH (not you) and come to a mutually satisfying conclusion before any sort of action needs to be taken.

 

I would totally drop the discussion and let them work it out between themselves.

[joannqn]

It doesn't sound like it is huge deal, big fight, marriage ending kind of thing. And she is dropping it and was already looking at preschool stuff to do with him.

[Incognito]

She should look around amazon and her library to see what's out there. There are some great books about the socialization issue. I read one recently - the name escapes me. There's some kid on the cover (helpful, I'm sure). Anyway, 2 years is a long time in the life of a first-born. A lot can happen and she or her husband may change their minds many times along the way.

[Plucky]

She needs to read up on hsing more. My dh let me hs the summer before kindy. I don't think he was sold on it until ds was in 6th grade. Don't get me wrong he was always supportive and just went along with what I recommended or did, but since then he praises me to the heavens, even though we've changed a lot since then.

 

I think hsing is awesome, but it's all about what is good for my kids. As long as it works I do it. The proof really is in the pudding. Everyone in my family approves now, of course some also think I am the exception to the rule.

 

Her dh may come around. I will be honest and say that a husband should trust the wife especially if she's the main caretaker. Too much micromanagement of mom really messes things up and vice versa.

 

Pray for her and her family. Pray they remain strong and loving that is the best solution. :)

[labst60]

I guess I never quite understand it when a woman just automatically assumes that her dh gets to make the decisions regarding the children's education. At best, it should be a mutual decision, but if there's major conflict about it, I think the parent who spends the most time with the kids should have the final say. (I also think it's incredibly wrong when a dh insists on homeschooling when the mom doesn't want to do it.)

.

:iagree::iagree:

 

My DH is *now* completely pro-homeschool - but he was skeptical at first! HOWEVER.... *I* was the one spending 24/7 with the kids - and so he TRUSTED and DEFERRED to me in this situation. My marriage is in no way perfect, but I'm always concerned for a family when the DH "wont' let" a mom homeschool..... (FWIW, I've never personally encountered a DH insisting, but I think that would be just as awful... unless he was the one offering to do it!)

 

Basically, YES, they are *both* of our kids.. BUT they are "my job". I dont go over to his job and make big career decisions. Sure, he talks to me about them -but final call is his - I trust that as his domain. Same with the kids - he trusts it as my domain.

 

Can't saying it can't work any other way... but as a Mom it must be heartbreakign for your DH not to trust/allow you to make a decision that you feel is in the best interests of your DC.

[Parrothead]

Sounds like a good plan to me. :001_smile:

 

If she really wants to homeschool, she's the one who needs to make the case to her dh (and the best way for her to do that is to do "preschool at home," so her dh will see what an amazing teacher she is. She should also join homeschool and other groups, so her dh will see that socialization can happen without being in a classroom.)

 

She has plenty of time to convince her dh, if his opinion is of great importance to her, so she doesn't have to make this a hill to die on anytime soon. But if she wants to homeschool and have his approval, she should figure out how she can demonstrate that she's serious about both education and socialization.

 

I guess I never quite understand it when a woman just automatically assumes that her dh gets to make the decisions regarding the children's education. At best, it should be a mutual decision, but if there's major conflict about it, I think the parent who spends the most time with the kids should have the final say. (I also think it's incredibly wrong when a dh insists on homeschooling when the mom doesn't want to do it.)

 

Whatever the case with this couple, I think you need to be careful not to let your friend suck you into the middle of what is essentially a marital dispute. If she does, it won't end well. You'll take all of the blame in the end, and you may very well lose the friendship as well.

:iagree:What Cat said.

 

This couple has a lot of talking to do in the next two years. Sounds like expectations are not lined up.

[Zebra]

The whole interfering with her marriage thing got me thinking before I even got responses. I sent her links to articles and studies about socialization and success of homeschooling.

 

I'm done with that. She's welcome, of course, to come over or go on trips with us as she wishes. It's more of a play date for her son and my daughter at that point.

 

Smart move!

 

I'm sure in your situation I would have done the same thing...meant well but then realized it might look like I was meddling.

 

My DH thought homeschooling would be way too hard on me, and did not want to do it at first. We really prayed, researched and talked about it and now he's more gung-ho about it than I am. It took a couple of years to get to that point though.

 

I really think she just needs to keep talking to him about it. Research it herself, and really find out why he's so against it. Maybe he's worried about her losing her income, or maybe he's worried about socialization. If that's the case she needs to come up with a plan of how to live on one income, and explain to him about the socialization myth. It maybe take time and a lot of info and research for him to realize that hsing is a valid option.

 

It may also be that hsing isn't a good option (for whatever reason) for this family. I can't imagine hsing without DH on board. I know people do it, and I know single moms do it too, but I just couldn't do it.

[Chava_Raizel]

If your friend doesn't think she can afford 2 children in daycare, how is she going to afford a private school education?

 

If it helps, this was pretty much our situation (except I was already a SAHM) 10 or so years ago. My oldest was around 3, I stumbled upon the idea of homeschooling and I wanted to convince my dh it was best for dd. He of course, thought the whole thing was weird and in no way wanted his child homeschooled. I decided it wasn't worth a big fight when my child wasn't even school age, so I sort of dropped it. Meanwhile I started quietly home-preschooling dd.

 

Our state didn't have public Kindergarten so I convinced him to save $2000 and I would just do K at home. By the end of K, she was reading chapter books and doing 1st grade math. Dh decided maybe homeschooling wasn't so weird after all and the rest is history. :tongue_smilie:

[stripe]

:iagree::iagree:

 

My DH is *now* completely pro-homeschool - but he was skeptical at first! HOWEVER.... *I* was the one spending 24/7 with the kids - and so he TRUSTED and DEFERRED to me in this situation. My marriage is in no way perfect, but I'm always concerned for a family when the DH "wont' let" a mom homeschool..... (FWIW, I've never personally encountered a DH insisting, but I think that would be just as awful... unless he was the one offering to do it!)

 

Basically, YES, they are *both* of our kids.. BUT they are "my job". I dont go over to his job and make big career decisions. Sure, he talks to me about them -but final call is his - I trust that as his domain. Same with the kids - he trusts it as my domain.

 

Can't saying it can't work any other way... but as a Mom it must be heartbreakign for your DH not to trust/allow you to make a decision that you feel is in the best interests of your DC.

 

I am in a very similar situation. I also, when my oldest was age 3, don't think I saw things the same way I did when he was 5, and I know someone who pulled his kids out of private, religious school because he thought the other kids were a bad influence -- and his wife didn't even want to homeschool. I think it is better not to discuss it too much yet, in this case. Wait and see. It's nice JoAnn is available to inspire people.

[fairfarmhand]

:iagree::iagree:

 

My DH is *now* completely pro-homeschool - but he was skeptical at first! HOWEVER.... *I* was the one spending 24/7 with the kids - and so he TRUSTED and DEFERRED to me in this situation. My marriage is in no way perfect, but I'm always concerned for a family when the DH "wont' let" a mom homeschool..... (FWIW, I've never personally encountered a DH insisting, but I think that would be just as awful... unless he was the one offering to do it!)

 

Basically, YES, they are *both* of our kids.. BUT they are "my job". I dont go over to his job and make big career decisions. Sure, he talks to me about them -but final call is his - I trust that as his domain. Same with the kids - he trusts it as my domain.

 

Can't saying it can't work any other way... but as a Mom it must be heartbreakign for your DH not to trust/allow you to make a decision that you feel is in the best interests of your DC.

 

this is pretty much how my family works too.

 

We both give input on these decisions, but since it is my JOB, I essentially have the final say. Of course I listen to his thoughts, but he gives me the freedom I need to do it.

[fairfarmhand]

then again, if he wants his kids in school and mom working, he may come around when he realized how incredibly hard that can be on the family. Instead of coming home to happy wife, supper in the works and kids playing in the tub, it ends up being stressed tired wife, piles of laundry, McDonalds, and tired whiny kids.

 

Life is SO different to have 2 working parents with small kiddos, than when it was simply 2 working adults. Not that it is all misery and horror, but I totally KNOW that my dh would hate that lifestyle, especially since I've been home for over a decade. (I guess I have spoiled him!)

 

Giving time and patience will be the best thing.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

 

I know you want to support her, but this doesn't sound like something you want to be stuck in the middle of, KWIM?

 

With any luck,maybe he will change his mind once his child is in school.

 

:iagree:

 

Tell her to let her husband deal with the school for everything. That's what got my husband to agree to homeschooling.

[celticmom]

:iagree:

 

Tell her to let her husband deal with the school for everything. That's what got my husband to agree to homeschooling.

 

That is exactly what I threatened dh with.

[Ann@thebeach]

She should try to find some homeschool dads that are similar in values and education as her husband. This can really be a challenge sometimes though if you don't have a large hs population in your area.

If he can talk to another man (I know this sounds chauvinistic) that is "like him" he might be more open to it. He might see it in an another light. He probably has a set of stereotypes in his head and these won't be broken until he can find someone like himself that will break the mold in his head.

 

My DH was like this and no matter what research or proof or anything I had, he was against it. Honestly, I had to start hsing without his support at all and it was our first big marital disagreement.

 

Luckily, right around when I started hsing he met a co-worker similar to himself that was homeschooling their kids-all the same age as ours-which was helpful. They had some good conversations about hsing and the other man was able to show him that hsing was about values and imparting the best education possible, and was not isolating or stunting a child at all.

He suddenly didn't see all hs kids as geeky loners ;) Gee, there were other "normal" kids that hsed too.

 

Yes, I had said all of this before! :glare: But hearing it from a "colleague" that was not emotionally attached like me, made a different for some reason.

 

Anyway, 7 yrs later he's a big proponent of hsing.

[Lisbeth]

Sounds like a good plan to me. :001_smile:

 

If she really wants to homeschool, she's the one who needs to make the case to her dh (and the best way for her to do that is to do "preschool at home," so her dh will see what an amazing teacher she is. She should also join homeschool and other groups, so her dh will see that socialization can happen without being in a classroom.)

 

She has plenty of time to convince her dh, if his opinion is of great importance to her, so she doesn't have to make this a hill to die on anytime soon. But if she wants to homeschool and have his approval, she should figure out how she can demonstrate that she's serious about both education and socialization.

 

I guess I never quite understand it when a woman just automatically assumes that her dh gets to make the decisions regarding the children's education. At best, it should be a mutual decision, but if there's major conflict about it, I think the parent who spends the most time with the kids should have the final say. (I also think it's incredibly wrong when a dh insists on homeschooling when the mom doesn't want to do it.)

 

...

 

This. Why is her desire to homeschool automatically less of a choice than his desire for Christian school. One spouse, one vote....not Mom has 1/2 vote, dad has a whole vote. Especially if she is doing all of the work.

 

A couple of things: It would be my hill to die on. And, if by some wacked out reason I went with the institutional school thing, dear husband would deal with ALL of the paperwork, scheduling, homework issues, etc. Because if *I* was the one who had to deal with the education every day, I would get the final say.

[EJCMom]

My husband wasn't completely on board at first. I was finally able to convince him to let me try it for a year and then we could revisit it. By December he loved it and has been on board ever since.

 

Maybe she could talk to him about trying it for Kindergarten? Sometimes I think that they just need to experience it before they will totally realize that their perception of homeschooling isn't accurate.

[Walking-Iris]

My dh wasn't really sure about homeschool either. I always knew I wanted to because of some dear friends in college who were home schooled. It helped that my dh also had some friends who were beginning to homeschool their children while we were pregnant with our oldest.

 

But he was never really 100% sure although he was fine with it as long as my ds was young. He started getting a little worried when he was official school age but didn't really complain since he was doing really well. But then when he started subbing in the schools---he started coming around to my way of thinking. He subs for middle school/high school and I asked him to try to get into a 2nd grade class one time. I will never forget the desperate quiet phone call that day. "If you ever think about sending my children to this place I will personally homeschool them myself." :lol:

 

He still credits his experience subbing in our local elementary school as making him 100% on board with homeschooling.