what to do with cruel 3 YO

[caedmyn]

My 3.5 YO DS is deliberately cruel to his sister. He's very agressive towards her, pulls her hair, hits her, deliberately destroys her things, etc. Today he pulled a bunch of petals out of a rose she was given yesterday as part of the end-of-year ceremony for her school. He's generally not like this with his little brother (sometimes hits him or takes his toys but definitely doesn't have the same attitude of constant vengeance against him like he does with his sister). I really don't know what to do with him. He gets in trouble every time and it really has no effect on his behavior. I finally started telling DD to smack him hard every time he does something to her (physical stuff, not when he ruins her stuff) in hopes that instant negative reinforcement will get through to him.

 

What do you do with a kid like this? Sometimes it seems like his sole purpose in life is to make mischief.

[Chris in VA]

I don't know the answer to your question, but one thing I absolutely would recommend is that you immediately put a stop to the sister-smacking-sibling thing. That's YOUR job--strike that--what I mean is, DISCIPLINE (which may or may not include punishment) is YOUR job.

How in the world would you think her hitting him would help their relationship?:confused:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug:

 

While I understand your frustration, I don't think telling your daughter to hit him is the best idea. That will just reinforce to him that violence is the way to get what you want. What I did/do when my boys were deliberately mean or destructive to each other, I make them say and do something nice for each other. Your son is too little for this, but I make my kids write love letters to each other when they are mean to each other. It has really worked. For small offenses, I make them hug and kiss each other. They are usually so mad at each other that hugging and kissing, or writing nice things about the other person seems like a punishment, but in the end, it gets them to appreciate each other. For your son, I would insist that he apologize, hug and kiss his sister and do something nice for her or say something nice to her. If he ruined her flower, I would make him get her another one.

[Momof3littles]

My 3.5 YO DS is deliberately cruel to his sister. He's very agressive towards her, pulls her hair, hits her, deliberately destroys her things, etc. Today he pulled a bunch of petals out of a rose she was given yesterday as part of the end-of-year ceremony for her school. He's generally not like this with his little brother (sometimes hits him or takes his toys but definitely doesn't have the same attitude of constant vengeance against him like he does with his sister). I really don't know what to do with him. He gets in trouble every time and it really has no effect on his behavior. I finally started telling DD to smack him hard every time he does something to her (physical stuff, not when he ruins her stuff) in hopes that instant negative reinforcement will get through to him.

 

What do you do with a kid like this? Sometimes it seems like his sole purpose in life is to make mischief.

Well, I'd say having her smack him is more likely to amp *up* his physical contact with her. Probably significantly. Not to mention what it is teaching your DD.

 

He's 3. He doesn't really have much empathy yet, and that's developmentally normal. I would work on having him make things right with her every time he does something to his sister. Get her an ice pack, fix what he knocked down, etc. Focus on teaching him about how he hurt her, etc. There's no quick fix, because you can't make him have empathy that he's not developmentally equipped for. BUt you can start setting the stage for helping him understand his actions hurt or impact other people. Again, it won't necessarily make him stop, but really, what you are trying to do is teach him about how more mature people treat one another. He'll get there, but you can lay the groundwork now to teach him more about empathy and reconciliation or making amends. Show him her tears and upset mean she's hurt, teach him about feelings.

 

Are you sure your older child doesn't sometimes trigger the youngest's behavior? I know my DS1 was not a hitter, etc. and DD would bite and hit him, but DS1 often got in her face, etc. and was sometimes good at going undetected. I had to also teach *him* what her triggers were and to not get all up in her face. I had to teach her to tell him to give her space, or say things like "I don't like that!" assertively. When biting and hitting was at its peak (prob around age 2.5-3 for DD), I had to supervise much more closely to break the cycle.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Momof3littles

[TammyinTN]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

[JessReplanted]

I think most 3.5 year old boys are destructive.

 

At the same time, it's not ok to let the destruction go on without a consequence, but your daughter shouldn't be the one handing out the consequences - I agree with the others that you need to do that.

 

We spank (no flames), so an appropriate spanking (given by a parent) for every destructive act would be the consequence in our house. And then the child needs to apologize to the parent and to the person he has hurt.

 

But, if you don't spank, use time-out (or something) consistently. 3.5 is also old enough to start taking favorite toys away, so maybe that could be an option.

[BakersDozen]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

:iagree: Your dd needs to be protected from her little brother and that is your job to do, not hers (IMO). My "Mommy voice" would be put to good use - the voice that says, "I mean business, kid." I would find whatever gets through to my 3yo whether it be firm squeezing of his hand if he tries to hit or whatever. Edited June 1, 2012 by LuvnMySvn

[Harriet Vane]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

 

:iagree:

[mafi39]

We would spank. But I also agree with tomato staking. He would not get out of my sight for a second until he can treat others kindly.

[laundrycrisis]

I would remove all the toys from his room - watch him like a hawk and the second he misbehaves, he gets ten minutes shut into his no-fun room alone - them comes out and immediately apologizes, or goes back in for ten more minutes - repeating all day long if necessary, until bedtime. Repeat again the next day and don't stop until he gets the message. When DS1 was around this age, he spent most of about four days in time-out, pretty much all day, for one infraction after another. It was exhausting for both of us but it cured him of his behavior problem. I recommend this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

 

For those who might say this is abusive, frankly that's a load. He had food, beverages, clothing, shelter, personal safety, a clean comfortable room to do his time in, a clean slate every ten minutes, and always the option of apologizing and behaving to avoid further confinement. He chose to keep it going for as long as he did because he's a strong willed child. Some kids are really hard-headed and want to see if they can outlast their parents and keep control. It's very important that they fail at this at a young age.

 

It totally changed things with him and made our home a much more peaceful place, instead of a he77 run by a 3 yo tyrant. I encourage you to shut this down and take care of it while he is still this young or it will be much more difficult later. I would also call a halt to all hitting. Letting hitting go on will bite you in the rear later. I have been around families with school-aged kids who smack and punch each other all day long and the kids are now too big for the mom to be able to physically intervene. It's horrible. I was frequently hit by an older sibling and I can say 100% that physical retaliation has no place in a peaceful home.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug:

 

While I understand your frustration, I don't think telling your daughter to hit him is the best idea. That will just reinforce to him that violence is the way to get what you want. What I did/do when my boys were deliberately mean or destructive to each other, I make them say and do something nice for each other. Your son is too little for this, but I make my kids write love letters to each other when they are mean to each other. It has really worked. For small offenses, I make them hug and kiss each other. They are usually so mad at each other that hugging and kissing, or writing nice things about the other person seems like a punishment, but in the end, it gets them to appreciate each other. For your son, I would insist that he apologize, hug and kiss his sister and do something nice for her or say something nice to her. If he ruined her flower, I would make him get her another one.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: also with the tomato staking. It's time for hardcore Mom time for a while. With the doing nice things, that also works here. We've had the toddler hug his sister when he shoved her (physically wrapping his arms around her while he howled :lol: and then praising him for hugging her her), and after a week the behavior began to change and after a few weeks, no more pushing at all and he hugs her voluntarily instead. My older girl wrote in her cute messy misspelled handwriting an apology note to her little sister and read it to her this week. That was a huge success.

[VeganCupcake]

I have a 3.5 year old who can antagonize the baby sometimes. I just recently read Siblings Without Rivalry by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber and it was quite helpful.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My 5yo isn't allowed within armslength of his brother. So I understand (though he really does LIKE his brother). We have very strict supervision with our children based on their needs so that definitely helps. Most 4, 5, 6yr olds aren't as supervised as ours though nor do I think it necessary or best for most kids. However, tomato staking may be best for THIS child to protect his sibling but also to protect him from the experience of behaving like that. Additionally, you can have the children "bless" one another. Kids looking for ways to be nice to one another are less likely to do mean things to one another. AND making restitution when they are mean is more helpful than punishment, usually.

[sassenach]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

 

:iagree: Yep. It'll be exhausting for you, but 3.5 is the age to do it. You can either do the heavy lifting now and turn the corner with him, or have to deal with this behavior for years and years to come.

 

And nix the sister hitting him thing. That's very likely to set a pattern in motion that will be very bad for their relationship. My best friend growing up got into horrible, violent fights with her brother all the way through high school, complete with pushing each other down stairs and breaking bones. It was ugly.

[sassenach]

I would remove all the toys from his room - watch him like a hawk and the second he misbehaves, he gets ten minutes shut into his no-fun room alone - them comes out and immediately apologizes, or goes back in for ten more minutes - repeating all day long if necessary, until bedtime. Repeat again the next day and don't stop until he gets the message. When DS1 was around this age, he spent most of about four days in time-out, pretty much all day, for one infraction after another. It was exhausting for both of us but it cured him of his behavior problem. I recommend this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

 

For those who might say this is abusive, frankly that's a load. He had food, beverages, clothing, shelter, personal safety, a clean comfortable room to do his time in, a clean slate every ten minutes, and always the option of apologizing and behaving to avoid further confinement. He chose to keep it going for as long as he did because he's a strong willed child. Some kids are really hard-headed and want to see if they can outlast their parents and keep control. It's very important that they fail at this at a young age.

 

It totally changed things with him and made our home a much more peaceful place, instead of a he77 run by a 3 yo tyrant. I encourage you to shut this down and take care of it while he is still this young or it will be much more difficult later. I would also call a halt to all hitting. Letting hitting go on will bite you in the rear later. I have been around families with school-aged kids who smack and punch each other all day long and the kids are now too big for the mom to be able to physically intervene. It's horrible. I was frequently hit by an older sibling and I can say 100% that physical retaliation has no place in a peaceful home.

 

I think this is a great idea.

[Momof3littles]

Eh, see I disagree that a kid like this is destined to be like this forever. I think you can teach them, and work with them as they mature. 3 yos are still working on developing empathy, so it is tough to *make* them feel something they are incapable of.

 

I'm not saying be permissive and not address it, but I think this is also pretty common in many 3-3.5 yos and not necessarily a sign of a serious character flaw or something that indicates he'll be like this forever.

 

You can address the behaviors without being punitive, IMO.

 

eta: something like the rose...I mean, she clearly attached sentimental value to this object. Maybe saw something pretty and wanted to experiment and explore the rose and took it apart. It isn't like most 3 yos are going to understand the attached sentimental significance of the rose. I can understand why it would be upsetting, but he really can't understand something like that IMO. Would it be helpful if DD had a way to keep DS out of her room? I know DS1 would get frustrated when DD would knock down his stuff when she was a toddler, and we had to teach him to play with more delicate/vulnerable things away from DD. She didn't destroy too much of his stuff after toddlerhood, but I think giving her a zone where she can play without fear of him destroying would be great, if it is an ongoing problem. Gate off a room for her, or encourage her to play in her own room with certain types of toys and projects when possible.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Momof3littles

[MomatHWTK]

While I don't allow my 8 y.o. to smack the 6 y.o. who LOVES annoying people more than anything, I can see the temptation to do so. It is a very frustrating situation when the offender really doesn't care about the conseqences. We continue to try to explain why the behavior is wrong and keep a close watch. DS loses privileges because he can't be trusted, etc.

 

I will admit that if she finally has enough and pops him one, I may look the other way. :glare:

[Momof3littles]

Is he still napping? Getting enough sleep? Does he act out more when bored? I find that part difficult as a HSing parent. I know mine are more likely to get into trouble or stir up trouble with siblings when they need attention or are bored. It happens more often when I'm working with my 8 yo and then the 5 and 2 yo may start squabbling or the bored 2 yo starts getting into trouble. Those are some things I would consider as part of your problem solving as well.

 

DD was very sensitive to being hungry and her behavior deteriorated before mealtimes. She also had a tough time when we were transitioning out of the nap at age 3. She would be okay up until about 3 pm when her behavior really declined. We went back to quiet time/rest time and she actually started napping again after a period of months where she wasn't napping.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Momof3littles

[Momof3littles]

Absolutely. He is 3. He isn't fully equipped to deal with all situations. And who knows, maybe somehow the older child is doing something to encourage him. I've seen my two in action and it is extremely subtle, but it happens.

Yep, my DS1 was never a hitter, biter, etc. but certainly got into DD's face or got more subtle provocations in that were easier to have fly under my radar. He's a very sweet kid, but certainly did things that provoked DD and contributed to her lashing out by hitting or biting. He was old enough to know how to be more subtle about it than DD. He pushed her buttons without being physical many times.

[LillyMama]

Just in defense of the OP, my husband likes to brag that HE's the one who got my daughter to stop hitting her older brother by telling him to hit her back. In fact, if you ask her, she'll say, "I stopped hitting him because I got tired of getting hit. So now I just try to talk about it."

 

Of course, in that same time period, we had implemented MY ideas. They were sticker behavior charts from http://www.goalforit.com. We started with lot and lots and lots of praise. And we ALWAYS talk about our feelings and the causes of our behavior. So our first couple of weeks were full of "Oh, I see you are frustrated that your brother got his milk first. Thank you for not hitting him." Or "I know you are mad that he took your turn in the game, thank you for not throwing it across the room." (Yeah, she had quite the temper.) People used to make fun of us, but now they compliment us that our kids are able to identify and express their feelings. This also helps them to control themselves.

 

I agree with other suggestions regarding discipline and time outs and consistency... But don't forget to try to identify what inside him is making him do these things. And help him find other outlets and praise him EFFUSIVELY when he does. They will become habits and eventually you'll just notice when he doesnt.

 

Hang in there!

[LillyMama]

Yep, my DS1 was never a hitter, biter, etc. but certainly got into DD's face or got more subtle provocations in that were easier to have fly under my radar. He's a very sweet kid, but certainly did things that provoked DD and contributed to her lashing out by hitting or biting. He was old enough to know how to be more subtle about it than DD. He pushed her buttons without being physical many times.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Those older kids... (I am the second child, and this, in no way, influences my opinion :D) My son's nickname here is "All Time Negotiator" sung to the tune of the Priceline commercials with William Shatner. He talks and talks and talks around his little sister, gets her to agree to let him take her Wii time, and then when she realizes what happens, she pops him one. Well, not anymore, but she did. Not saying it's okay to hit him, but I get the desire. When my son (or his dad) come at me like that, where I feel like I'm dealing with aggressive used car salesmen all the time, I'd like to hit someone, too. That's what kick-boxing classes are for. ;)

[amyx4]

I would suggest to really look at what dd is saying or doing to him. He didn't just wake up one day and start hitting her. My guess is she's creating part of the problem when you aren't looking or listening.

[caedmyn]

I have tried tomato staking but it drives me nuts. If he is not constantly occupied (ie I am constantly thinking up stuff for him to do) he is looking to make mischief.

 

I'm not telling DD to hit him back as a form of punishment, but self-defense. He will keep hitting her or pulling her hair or whatever until I get to him, and she needs to have a way to make him stop. And actually that technique worked to make him be nicer to DS2. He was quite aggressive towards him when he was smaller and finally started being a lot nicer when DS2 got old enough to start hitting him with toys (no I didn't encourage it). After a few times of DS2 hitting DS1 and me telling DS1 that he couldn't expect his brother to be nice to him if he wasn't nice, he started being a lot nicer.

 

DD probably does get on his nerves at times being bossy, but generally he'll start being aggressive out of the blue. She'll be sitting in the arm chair reading and he'll attack her. He likes getting a reaction from her so that motivates his behavior. Just like he liked getting a reaction from me when he used to run away in stores, at church, etc. He finally stopped doing that when I started walking away instead of chasing him. He's difficult because he's willing to put up with punishment for the fun of that initial reaction. Really after-the-fact discipline doesn't work well with him for the most part. There has to be a way to take the fun out of the initial reaction in order to get him to change his behavior. Maybe if I give him a sticker every time he hugs her he'll be more inclined to be nice.

[SonshineLearner]

You can spank away and it won't break the habit unless it's what his "language" is.... I'd suggest the tomato staking, the time-outs... Do something that you can ABSOLUTELY do EVERY time :) Spanking is so hard to do every time. When I called the Love & Logic line they suggested a 20 minute time out every time. (No fun things in room.... you need to make it so they feel a bit of "torture") Sorry that this is a punitive measure, and not just a short "time-out" but it needs to be "hard enough" that they remember to not hit/hurt. Something else to consider... you may be dealing with a problem that will surface as something like ADD/ADHD when they're older. Not trying to diagnose... just letting you know what you may be dealing with. (Still needs consequence, just maybe he won't have impulse control for quite a while)

[I.Dup.]

I would remove all the toys from his room - watch him like a hawk and the second he misbehaves, he gets ten minutes shut into his no-fun room alone - them comes out and immediately apologizes, or goes back in for ten more minutes - repeating all day long if necessary, until bedtime. Repeat again the next day and don't stop until he gets the message. When DS1 was around this age, he spent most of about four days in time-out, pretty much all day, for one infraction after another. It was exhausting for both of us but it cured him of his behavior problem. I recommend this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

 

For those who might say this is abusive, frankly that's a load. He had food, beverages, clothing, shelter, personal safety, a clean comfortable room to do his time in, a clean slate every ten minutes, and always the option of apologizing and behaving to avoid further confinement. He chose to keep it going for as long as he did because he's a strong willed child. Some kids are really hard-headed and want to see if they can outlast their parents and keep control. It's very important that they fail at this at a young age.

 

It totally changed things with him and made our home a much more peaceful place, instead of a he77 run by a 3 yo tyrant. I encourage you to shut this down and take care of it while he is still this young or it will be much more difficult later. I would also call a halt to all hitting. Letting hitting go on will bite you in the rear later. I have been around families with school-aged kids who smack and punch each other all day long and the kids are now too big for the mom to be able to physically intervene. It's horrible. I was frequently hit by an older sibling and I can say 100% that physical retaliation has no place in a peaceful home.

 

This is a really good idea. I think I will do this. My children are ridiculously strong willed from the ages of 2-3, some worse than others. It's all I can do to deal with them calmly.

 

Does the book you recommended talk about how to deal with screaming? That is a HUGE issue around here and putting them in a room just seems to increase the screaming, then they come out and scream, go back in and scream, and on and on.

[laundrycrisis]

I have tried tomato staking but it drives me nuts. If he is not constantly occupied (ie I am constantly thinking up stuff for him to do) he is looking to make mischief.

 

It is your job to deal with this, even if it drives you nuts.

 

I'm not telling DD to hit him back as a form of punishment, but self-defense. He will keep hitting her or pulling her hair or whatever until I get to him, and she needs to have a way to make him stop. And actually that technique worked to make him be nicer to DS2. He was quite aggressive towards him when he was smaller and finally started being a lot nicer when DS2 got old enough to start hitting him with toys (no I didn't encourage it). After a few times of DS2 hitting DS1 and me telling DS1 that he couldn't expect his brother to be nice to him if he wasn't nice, he started being a lot nicer.

 

Children should not be in a position of having to defend themselves physically to protect their belongings or their own physical safety. It is the responsibility of the parent or adult in charge at the moment to control the environment and keep everyone and their things safe from the other kids. IMO allowing or encouraging this is also teaching children to hit their own kids when they have them.

 

DD probably does get on his nerves at times being bossy, but generally he'll start being aggressive out of the blue. She'll be sitting in the arm chair reading and he'll attack her. He likes getting a reaction from her so that motivates his behavior. Just like he liked getting a reaction from me when he used to run away in stores, at church, etc. He finally stopped doing that when I started walking away instead of chasing him. He's difficult because he's willing to put up with punishment for the fun of that initial reaction. Really after-the-fact discipline doesn't work well with him for the most part. There has to be a way to take the fun out of the initial reaction in order to get him to change his behavior. Maybe if I give him a sticker every time he hugs her he'll be more inclined to be nice.

You really should read the book I recommended. It discusses the reward of the reaction at length, and how to remove that incentive. Basically you go into robot mode - no emotion. No payoff of the big reaction the child is seeking. Just mechanical delivery of the negative result, over and over and over again with 100% consistency for as long as it takes the child to get the message and decide to change his behavior.

 

Also, it really does not matter why he's doing it, at all. I would not waste time analyzing all that. The only important thing is that his behavior is unacceptable and he must change his response to one that is acceptable. Period. You can analyze feelings with him as a separate project, but after an unacceptable behavior has occurred is the time for an unpleasant result, not a therapy session.

[PentecostalMom]

We would spank. But I also agree with tomato staking. He would not get out of my sight for a second until he can treat others kindly.

 

:iagree: and please don't take everyone's remarks to heart. You are doing fine Mama, this is a tough situtation. :grouphug:

[laundrycrisis]

This is a really good idea. I think I will do this. My children are ridiculously strong willed from the ages of 2-3, some worse than others. It's all I can do to deal with them calmly.

 

Does the book you recommended talk about how to deal with screaming? That is a HUGE issue around here and putting them in a room just seems to increase the screaming, then they come out and scream, go back in and scream, and on and on.

 

I don't remember about screaming in that book specifically - it has been years since I read and implemented it. My own take-away on screaming though is that aggressive screaming gets you time alone in your room just like hitting/attacking/damaging would.

 

Now, DS2 will scream and rage in his room sometimes, and that is fine - we have an emotional color scale for him. That screaming mental state is "red" and he has to stay in there alone until he gets to "yellow" and then he can have the toys in his special bag until he gets to "green", and then he can come out. This color scale and special toy bag (filled with sensory toys and things that comfort him) was recommended by a psychologist to help him become aware of his mental states and regulate himself. It's not from the strong-willed child book.

[LillyMama]

Also, it really does not matter why he's doing it, at all. I would not waste time analyzing all that. The only important thing is that his behavior is unacceptable and he must change his response to one that is acceptable. Period. You can analyze feelings with him as a separate project, but after an unacceptable behavior has occurred is the time for an unpleasant result, not a therapy session.

 

I actually both agree and disagree with this statement. I think the consequences should happen immediately, whether it be staking, time outs or spanking, whatever works. And I definitely think kids need to learn to obey some very basic rules- like no hitting- without questioning why. But I think the feelings should also be addressed when they are happening, especially in kids this young. Three hours later, he's not going to be able to look back and think about what he was feeling.

 

For us, we've used time-outs. When the time-out is over, I sit with the kids and talk about what happened before I release them from time-out. If they haven't processed their feelings, found another outlet- they're still screaming, whatever- then the time-out is lengthened. They cannot come out of timeout until we can come up with a plan together for keeping them from heading back into it. Helping them reason through that made this process much faster for us. For us the idea of "just do what I say" only works so far. Their "why?" personalities came out very young, and I saw that as an opportunity to help them process the why within themselves. Sure, at 3, he's not going to be super expressive. But when my daughter would scream because she was sad, I could say, "Being sad is fine, crying is fine, but screaming at me is not. Hitting is not." This helped her know that, when she wanted to hit, she could go to her room and cry, or come to me and cry, and so she had options that were more tangible. This is what worked for us, though, with all the personalities involved, so I get that it might not work for everyone.

 

I look at it like working with a dieter- you can tell them what not to eat, but to not give them options on what TO eat, well, then you're only helping them part way. Eventually they're going to go back to what they know because they are hungry and they haven't found the healthiest way to address that problem.

[laundrycrisis]

My experience with both of our boys has been that when I address a misbehavior with an immediate consequence, he remembers it well enough later to discuss what brought it on. But if I attempt to discuss the cause immediately, I just get lame excuses, and if I just redirect the misbehavior but there is no consequence, it is completely forgotten about and we can't discuss it later. The only way I've ever been able to get either of them to have a real discussion about what led up to a mean behavior is to give an immediate consequence, and have the discussion a bit later.

[Parrothead]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

Yup. Leash him to you if necessary. He would be allowed no freedom for at least a week. At which point, I'd start letting him some space in 1-3 minute intervals. It would be months until he was able to freely play.

[MomatHWTK]

I suspect my 6 y.o. has ADHD and really needs that input, good or bad. (Based on my experience with my oldest.) He also might need more intellectually or physically challenging occupations. Try finding things to keep him occupied that come right up to the edge of completely wearing him out. It's tough I know. I have two out of 4 so far that really need extra stuff to do. :grouphug:

[Momof3littles]

ITA with physical activity and sensory play. It addresses any potential boredom, and big muscle exercise is great for a kid that age. It also provides sensory input for any kid who might be ADHD-ish or have sensory issues (not to say I think that's what you are dealing with, OP).

 

Sensory play can help with things like a desire to pinch, even the plucking of the rose petals is almost a type of sensory experiment, so doing lots of that is great for a kid that age. For some kids it can satisfy some of those sensory urges (biting, hitting, crashing, etc. can sometimes be related to sensory concerns, or there can be a "normal" sensory component in an otherwise neurotypical kid that age). Bean or rice boxes, sensory tubs in general, water play outside with supervision, pinching, pulling and rolling play doh. Big muscle activities...helping with carrying, pulling wagons, pushing carts or a child sized wheelbarrow, mopping with a child sized mop, etc. all give good sensory input.

[scrappyhappymama]

I don't have a problem with allowing your daughter to defend herself physically against her brother. But you probably want to make sure you've clearly defined this to her if you haven't already. I know sometimes we don't go into every little detail on here, so maybe saying you told her to smack him when he bugs her means this already. But I'd tell her that if he is actively pulling her hair or otherwise hurting her, it's okay to push him off or physically defend herself to get him away, and then come to you for help. I would not though expect them to just resolve the situation completely themselves.

 

One thing that has helped me is to restrict fighting siblings from each other for a period of time. My kids love each other one minute and might be fighting the next, but the one thing they HATE is being told they cannot talk to or interact with each other at all. I'll tell them that if they can't treat each other with love, they don't get to be together. This has been really effective as a consequence for negative behaviors.

 

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

 

I know! It's not easy. But these little guys can get into a lot of mischief when left alone, and he's proven he's not ready to be on his own yet.

 

something like the rose...I mean, she clearly attached sentimental value to this object. Maybe saw something pretty and wanted to experiment and explore the rose and took it apart. It isn't like most 3 yos are going to understand the attached sentimental significance of the rose. I can understand why it would be upsetting, but he really can't understand something like that IMO.

 

I totally agree with this. I would doubt seriously that he destroyed the rose out of some vindictiveness toward his sister. It's just fun! My nearly three year old LOVES to destroy. His brother's lego sets, towers, my folded laundry- whatever! He doesn't mean to be mean, it's just that destroying is SO fun. I have to work with him to help him learn that destroying other people's property is not OK, and his brothers have to be careful not to leave their belongings out where they are susceptible to destruction. But it's a stage and eventually he'll get it.

 

One ray of hope I can give you. You mentioned a younger brother, and I can tell you once he's old enough to interact more with his brother, they will both have an outlet for all that excess energy. Prepare yourself for LOTS of wrestling matches and sword fights and chasing and physical matchups. I am convinced that boys NEED that kind of interaction, and it sounds like your son is trying to instigate these with his sister, but she's just not interested. In the meantime, perhaps his father or another male relative can help him expend some of that energy. Or maybe try to find some other outlet for him to be rough and tumble without reprimand. I bet it would help him a lot to control himself more with his sister.

[ThreeBlessings]

I would tomato stake him. He would be with me from the moment he got up until his head hit the pillow. He wouldn't have the chance to misbehave and any correction can be done immediately.

 

Totally agree with this. Parenting can be very hard and very trying sometimes. It is definitely not easy to discipline. I think if you have him be your shadow you'll probably find significant improvement in a reasonable amount of time. Put him to work as your helper throughout the day.

 

Be calm, be assertive. I remind myself this all the time with varying success! :)