Need to vent......

[SunshineMom]

I love my MIL but she is just not able to respect me as a teacher. She is a retired (20yrs) 2nd grade teacher. She either belittles what we are doing (why are you letting dd read several grade levels above grade books, why are you teaching chemistry, why are you study the Greeks, why do they need to learn Latin, etc), compares what we are doing vs what she did as a teacher or compares us to other family members and how their kids are doing (implying better all the while). Yesterday, she just rubbed me the wrong way. I was telling her that in our co-op, I was going to lead a book club. She immediately wanted to make sure I did it this way ___ or that way___. Then she went on to tell me that my niece has a reading group with friends and they do it this way____. She wasn't supportive. I've really been shut down by her, now I don't want to share anything! She just has this mindset which doesn't accept any other learning/education that is different from old fashion school. She will not give me a compliment even though my children are doing very well. One is accelerated and the other has special needs but is thriving under my homeschool. I know in the end both my children are so better off at home and I know the ps could not give them anything near what I can do at home. I am just plain and simple pissed off. I have been homeschooling for five years! I deserve some respect!

[Kirch]

Yes, you do, but you're clearly not going to get it from her. I'd quit sharing what we're doing and change the subject if she asks. Unless you want to have a big ol' "here are the boundaries and quit being a disrespectful jerk" discussion. That would work too, but the fallout might not be fun!

[Lisbeth]

Shut her down. I wouldn't hang around her at all. If bluntly saying that your parenting choices are not up for discussion and pointing out her ickiness to her the moment she stepped out of line didn't work, I would stop hanging around her. At the very least quit giving her any details except the most mundane.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The natural consequence of her actions is to have you stop sharing information with her. If the kids want to share with her (provided that she doesn't belittle their efforts to their face), then fine. But I would find others to share with.

[milovany]

Just don't bring it up anymore. You'll truly find satisfaction in keeping it to yourself and knowing you're doing the right thing, I think. Does she bring things up, too? If so, it might be time for an honest, brief talk ("Whenever school-related topics come up, I feel shut down and compared which kinda bothers me. I'd prefer it if we didn't talk about those topics anymore" or something like that). I think of the quote in my signature below. Your MIL is fighting a great battle against arrogance and thoughtlessness -- even though she may not know it. Love her all the same if you can.

[Catwoman]

Yes, you do, but you're clearly not going to get it from her. I'd quit sharing what we're doing and change the subject if she asks. Unless you want to have a big ol' "here are the boundaries and quit being a disrespectful jerk" discussion. That would work too, but the fallout might not be fun!

 

:iagree:

[Cailin]

Urghh! I feel your frustration!

If it were me, I would come to terms that you won't earn her respect and go your route of not sharing any more information freely. When information escapes by accident or it's found out by other means, then just let her talk. Maybe even have fun with it. Listen, and ask specifics of how she would do something. Show genuine interest and openness to learn her way. It might even be interesting. All the while, keep in mind that you actually hold the power to decide how it's done, and she doesn't need to be privy to exactly how you'll do it. If she finds out later, and is seething because you didn't do it her way, then she may decide not to give advice anymore. Right now, maybe she picks up on the fact that you're irritated, so she pushes harder. :glare:

There are some people from whom you'll never get respect.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: Pass the bean dip, but don't schmush it in her face. :)

 

Seriously, you need to just stop bringing anything about this up. It is like a weeping wound she cannot stop scratching. You'll both feel better. :grouphug:

[SunshineMom]

Thanks ladies. I feel better knowing that not sharing our educational journey with my MIL is not selfish but rather a protective stance to preserve my own self-respect.

[JVA]

Jewel- you've gotten great advice.....where is your dh is this? It IS his mom, after all. He needs to have a conversation with her clearly stating that there will be no more criticism of his wife. He'll probably need to give her examples of how she's been disrespectful so, it's VERY clear. Sorry, you're having to go thru this.

My mom has a Master's in Ed and thought our homeschooling (24 years of it) was ridiculous...it stems from arrogance, feeling a personal affront that all their studying and effort to earn their teaching degrees are snubbed because you're doing such a fine job and not being willing to accept that there are other pathways than the one they were/are on. Your dh could asssure her that your choice is in no way meant to disrespect her but is meant to give your children a stellar education and the very BEST thing she could do would be to get on board by educating herself about what hs really is and contributing to the cause with all her great experience! She could be part of it instead of being an adversary. Gosh, what a thought.

[gardenmom5]

I She either belittles what we are doing (why are you letting dd read several grade levels above grade books, why are you teaching chemistry, why are you study the Greeks, why do they need to learn Latin, etc)

 

:confused::001_huh:

 

, compares what we are doing vs what she did as a teacher or compares us to other family members and how their kids are doing (implying better all the while).

 

ah, I get it. basically, it sounds like she's feeling defensive. iow: what you are doing with your kids seems to be making her feel intimidated and she must push back. after all, she's a trained teacher, and you're "Just" a mom. you must really be getting under her skin.

 

eta: I agree with those who suggested just not discussing the subject with her. Also, her sharing what she did as a teacher may be her own attempts at getting validation.

Edited May 11, 2012 by gardenmom5

[WishboneDawn]

Here's how I've dealt with very similar situations...

 

Turn it around. When they start talking and complaining about you homeschooling start asking them questions about their experience. Ask their advice, be interested in their stories, show them respect. I remember starting to go down a bad road with a friend's mother (former teacher) who was asserting we could never do science properly in a homeschool. I started talking about grammar, asking her how they handled it when she taught. Soon enough we where both talking grammar, writing and Latin. We never went back to my homeschooling as the prime focus and, I have to admit, I learned a LOT from her. I rarely have negative discussions with people because I use this tactic quite frequently.

 

It's win-win. They feel you've heard them and you don't have to defend homeschooling. It is my secret weapon for disarming negative discussions.

[Alicia64]

Your MIL doesn't have a "mind set" -- she very likely has a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

 

Usually the attitude of "my way is the very best/most impeccable way on the planet" goes along with NPD.

 

What bugs me is that a lot of normal people act like personality disorders are simply annoying, but in my life and throughout history people with NPD have been actually quite dangerous.

 

So I wouldn't take her with a grain of salt, I'd be careful. Also, the fact that you're getting really angry around her is another sign that you're dealing with someone with NPD.

 

Take care of yourself and your kids,

 

Alley

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: :iagree: She is going to continue to belittle and will more likely than not...never respect you as an educator.

 

Your relationship will be better setting some boundaries here. If you havent read BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend...get it for yourself. Most libraries have a copy.

 

I love my MIL but she is just not able to respect me as a teacher. She is a retired (20yrs) 2nd grade teacher. She either belittles what we are doing (why are you letting dd read several grade levels above grade books, why are you teaching chemistry, why are you study the Greeks, why do they need to learn Latin, etc), compares what we are doing vs what she did as a teacher or compares us to other family members and how their kids are doing (implying better all the while). Yesterday, she just rubbed me the wrong way. I was telling her that in our co-op, I was going to lead a book club. She immediately wanted to make sure I did it this way ___ or that way___. Then she went on to tell me that my niece has a reading group with friends and they do it this way____. She wasn't supportive. I've really been shut down by her, now I don't want to share anything! She just has this mindset which doesn't accept any other learning/education that is different from old fashion school. She will not give me a compliment even though my children are doing very well. One is accelerated and the other has special needs but is thriving under my homeschool. I know in the end both my children are so better off at home and I know the ps could not give them anything near what I can do at home. I am just plain and simple pissed off. I have been homeschooling for five years! I deserve some respect!

[gardenmom5]

Here's how I've dealt with very similar situations...

 

Turn it around. When they start talking and complaining about you homeschooling start asking them questions about their experience. Ask their advice, be interested in their stories, show them respect. I remember starting to go down a bad road with a friend's mother (former teacher) who was asserting we could never do science properly in a homeschool. I started talking about grammar, asking her how they handled it when she taught. Soon enough we where both talking grammar, writing and Latin. We never went back to my homeschooling as the prime focus and, I have to admit, I learned a LOT from her. I rarely have negative discussions with people because I use this tactic quite frequently.

 

It's win-win. They feel you've heard them and you don't have to defend homeschooling. It is my secret weapon for disarming negative discussions.

:iagree: Good suggestions.

 

p.s. just becaue you ask them what they did, doesn't mean you have to implement those ideas. ;p

[AmyontheFarm]

:grouphug: :iagree: She is going to continue to belittle and will more likely than not...never respect you as an educator.

 

Your relationship will be better setting some boundaries here. If you havent read BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend...get it for yourself. Most libraries have a copy.

 

It's worth buying because I'm underlining my copy!

[PrincessMommy]

I love my MIL but she is just not able to respect me as a teacher. She is a retired (20yrs) 2nd grade teacher. She either belittles what we are doing (why are you letting dd read several grade levels above grade books, why are you teaching chemistry, why are you study the Greeks, why do they need to learn Latin, etc), compares what we are doing vs what she did as a teacher or compares us to other family members and how their kids are doing (implying better all the while). Yesterday, she just rubbed me the wrong way. I was telling her that in our co-op, I was going to lead a book club. She immediately wanted to make sure I did it this way ___ or that way___. Then she went on to tell me that my niece has a reading group with friends and they do it this way____. She wasn't supportive. I've really been shut down by her, now I don't want to share anything! She just has this mindset which doesn't accept any other learning/education that is different from old fashion school. She will not give me a compliment even though my children are doing very well. One is accelerated and the other has special needs but is thriving under my homeschool. I know in the end both my children are so better off at home and I know the ps could not give them anything near what I can do at home. I am just plain and simple pissed off. I have been homeschooling for five years! I deserve some respect!

 

yes you do. Even if you weren't homeschooling you are the children's mother, and you and your husband's choices should be respected. period. I'm sorry she's like that :grouphug:

[m0mmaBuck]

:confused::001_huh:

 

ah, I get it. basically, it sounds like she's feeling defensive. iow: what you are doing with your kids seems to be making her feel intimidated and she must push back. after all, she's a trained teacher, and you're "Just" a mom. you must really be getting under her skin.

 

eta: I agree with those who suggested just not discussing the subject with her. Also, her sharing what she did as a teacher may be her own attempts at getting validation.

 

:iagree:

 

My MIL is a teacher. My 3 bros are teachers and their wives work in schools (psychologist, speech therapist, preschool aide). Two of my neiphews are teachers and one is married to a teacher. One of my neices is a teacher.... I am surrounded by teachers. And I do not discuss school with them AT ALL. They are not pleased with my choice to homeschool and none of them are in a position to discuss the state of public education where we live.

[PentecostalMom]

Yes, you do, but you're clearly not going to get it from her. I'd quit sharing what we're doing and change the subject if she asks. Unless you want to have a big ol' "here are the boundaries and quit being a disrespectful jerk" discussion. That would work too, but the fallout might not be fun!

 

:iagree:

[besroma]

Yes, you do, but you're clearly not going to get it from her. I'd quit sharing what we're doing and change the subject if she asks. Unless you want to have a big ol' "here are the boundaries and quit being a disrespectful jerk" discussion. That would work too, but the fallout might not be fun!

 

:iagree: and I understand completely.

[kalanamak]

They are not pleased with my choice to homeschool and none of them are in a position to discuss the state of public education where we live.

 

We've had luck meeting teachers who fully support hs, including the now-hsing lady down the street to the pair of brothers who were both high school teachers my fellows met kayaking on the Sound to my old friend from back home who teaches 3rd grade not 10 miles from you.

 

Sorry your relatives are all of the same ilk. (Not one rebel in the bunch??)

[Pink Fairy]

We've had luck meeting teachers who fully support hs, including the now-hsing lady down the street to the pair of brothers who were both high school teachers my fellows met kayaking on the Sound to my old friend from back home who teaches 3rd grade not 10 miles from you.

 

Sorry your relatives are all of the same ilk. (Not one rebel in the bunch??)

 

Yeah, we don't discuss homeschooling with my MIL (English Teacher) or FIL (High School Counselor). But they are respectful, and don't force their opinions on us. We know lots of homeschooling families where one of the parents is a ps teacher, so maybe it's more of an issue for the older generation.

[Desert Strawberry]

Definitely keep it to yourself. I really don't talk much about our schooling to anyone.not even our homeschooling friends. It would be like talking about work. I do it. Everyone knows I do it. It's pretty mundane. I love it. I doubt anyone else wants the details. If they do, they'll ask.

If she does inquire, have some noncommital answers ready. "How are they doing in xyz? " "they are doing very well. They seem go enjoy it." "What id kid1 reading?" "Book title. She really likes it." If she gives you a hard time, wait it out and change the subject to something about her. People generally prefer to talk about themselves.

[Reflections]

Thanks ladies. I feel better knowing that not sharing our educational journey with my MIL is not selfish but rather a protective stance to preserve my own self-respect.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

It took me awhile to get there too.

[DawnM]

I barely talk to my MIL about ANYTHING personal. No parenting info, no homeschooling, no religion, etc...

 

We are crazy, homeschooling Christians....and all of it is bad.

 

Dawn

[*********]

If she gives you a hard time, wait it out and change the subject to something about her. People generally prefer to talk about themselves.

 

This is SOOOO true. *Always* works.

 

I barely talk to my MIL about ANYTHING personal. No parenting info, no homeschooling, no religion, etc...

 

We are crazy, homeschooling Christians....and all of it is bad.

 

Dawn

 

Wow, that was me and my mil, too. She died two years ago. I still wish things could've been different.

[JVA]

personal. No parenting info, no homeschooling, no religion, etc...

 

We are crazy, homeschooling Christians....and all of it is bad.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: This is my own mother's perspective so we don't communicate much. She can't handle that we've made different choices than her. I sometimes think people are intimated or feel condemned when someone else does things differently. We have not criticized them personally, but they take our decisions as a personal affront. Good grief. Their loss, IMO.

[brett_ashley]

Your MIL doesn't have a "mind set" -- she very likely has a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

 

This might be the most overused diagnosis on this board. Less than 1% of the population has NPD. Everyone in the whole world is born into narcissism and has elements of it in their personality, but it doesn't mean we all have personality disorders.

 

To the OP, you've gotten good advice. Limit the flow of information and change the subject. I'd also add that make sure you're doing what you need to do to feel secure in your homeschooling. It will make those comments and attitudes MUCH easier to ignore.

[6wishes]

Here's how I've dealt with very similar situations...

 

Turn it around. When they start talking and complaining about you homeschooling start asking them questions about their experience. Ask their advice, be interested in their stories, show them respect. I remember starting to go down a bad road with a friend's mother (former teacher) who was asserting we could never do science properly in a homeschool. I started talking about grammar, asking her how they handled it when she taught. Soon enough we where both talking grammar, writing and Latin. We never went back to my homeschooling as the prime focus and, I have to admit, I learned a LOT from her. I rarely have negative discussions with people because I use this tactic quite frequently.

 

It's win-win. They feel you've heard them and you don't have to defend homeschooling. It is my secret weapon for disarming negative discussions.

 

Great suggestion! I'll be trying this one myself!

[Pink Fairy]

This might be the most overused diagnosis on this board. Less than 1% of the population has NPD. Everyone in the whole world is born into narcissism and has elements of it in their personality, but it doesn't mean we all have personality disorders.

 

To the OP, you've gotten good advice. Limit the flow of information and change the subject. I'd also add that make sure you're doing what you need to do to feel secure in your homeschooling. It will make those comments and attitudes MUCH easier to ignore.

 

I've noticed that too. A lot of NPD relatives, especially in-laws, on this board. I don't know if these people are diagnosable or not, but I wonder if having a close relative who is seriously "off" makes one more likely to home school.

[Desert Strawberry]

I've noticed that too. A lot of NPD relatives, especially in-laws, on this board. I don't know if these people are diagnosable or not, but I wonder if having a close relative who is seriously "off" makes one more likely to home school.

 

It's much more likely that someone would be diagnosed with...a lot of other things...than NPD. Partly because it is very rare, and largely because Narcissists don't seek treatment. Because they don't think they need it. They think *they* are right and everything else is stupid and crazy and wrong.

 

I don't think you can diagnose anyone with third hand information on a message board. Diagnosis requires a failrly in depth face-to-face interview. Honestly, I'm a little stunned that someone would post this as if it were fact :001_huh:

 

Everyone has personality traits that lean towards one disorder or another. That doesn't mean you *have* a disorder. It's only diagnosable in an extreme form which effects personal and professional relationships. Lots of people are narcissistic, selfish, and insecure. That just makes them unpleasant to interact with. That does not mean they have a personality disorder.

 

AFA people with whackadoodles in the family homeschooling...I think most of us have a doodle or two in the woodwork somewhere. I'm sure that many of us here have been diagnosed or diagnosable at one time.

 

I was treated for severe depression. My husband has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Both are common and we're both ok, now. We know that GAD is rampant, undaignosed and untreated in my husband's famly. We suspect there are other things floating around over there as well.

 

All of this to say, I don't think that having contact with someone who's mental health is questionable is at all unusual. I seriously doubt that it's more common in homeschooling families.

[m0mmaBuck]

We've had luck meeting teachers who fully support hs, including the now-hsing lady down the street to the pair of brothers who were both high school teachers my fellows met kayaking on the Sound to my old friend from back home who teaches 3rd grade not 10 miles from you.

 

Sorry your relatives are all of the same ilk. (Not one rebel in the bunch??)

 

Not a one. I do know several teachers here who fully support our choice to HS (including DS's former 2nd grade PS teacher) but as for my relatives, not a one. I just don't discuss the kids' education with any of them

[kalanamak]

I've noticed that too. A lot of NPD relatives, especially in-laws, on this board. I don't know if these people are diagnosable or not, but I wonder if having a close relative who is seriously "off" makes one more likely to home school.

 

Or more likely to be NPD themselves with a big case of projection going on ;).

 

I believe that anxiety is more common than NPD, and there are certainly anxious people who are bent on getting "their way" (having things go the way that will give them at least a bit of reduction of their anxiety). Heck, I think even borderlines are more common than NPD. Most of the (formally diagnosed) NPDs I've dealt with appear laughable. Borderlines are anti-laughable. They suck the humor out of any situation.