k2bdeutmeyer Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Okay...we all remember my "friend" issue(s). If you missed it....the beginning of the story is HERE. And the 2nd half is HERE. I had resigned myself to keeping my distance from "friend", but still being friendly with the group and "friend" to maintain at least a bit of my social life. I found almost immediately that I wasn't being included in things....and it was awkward. Okay. I kinda figured it would be that way. Thing is....it hasn't gotten better. I've been friendly to everyone in the group (including "friend") on a regular basis, but recently, it's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm getting the "it's HER again" looks when I participate in the group. I'm getting the feeling like I'm not wanted and there is an underlying tone of dislike. I just don't know where I stand. If they all hate me now....honestly, I'm really fine with that, but I'd like to know. I won't keep making a fool of myself by being friendly and participating (on a VERY minor level) in a group that dislikes me/thinks I'm mean/whatever and then surely talks about how they can't believe I'm trying to be friends with them after what I did. I'm no longer included in ANYTHING. The girls night I was supposed to be a part of....nope. The birthday party we'd been talking about for a few months....nope. So....what do I do? I see these women daily. I usually try to time things where I don't have to see/talk to them, but it doesn't always work out that way. For instance, yesterday, they were all in the entryway talking. I stopped, as I would have in the past. I wasn't sure if I should stop, say "good morning" and keep walking, or just walk on by, so I did what I would always do. To say it was awkward was an understatement....and to make matters worse, once I had inserted myself, it was VERY hard to find a graceful way to exit. I didn't want to be rude though and act in such a manner to make them think I didn't want our friendship anymore (walking by and not stopping) either. So, what should I have done? This morning, I texted a friend in the group with some good news and her response was simply a "oh. good for you". I don't think I'll feel comfortable texting her again. I had baked cinnamon bread yesterday and planned to give a loaf (and a nice card) to a different friend in the group who is going through a really tough time, but now I'm not sure. Do I just ask? If so, who? I just hate this. I wish I didn't have to see them. Letting things just fade away would be the easiest and most peaceful way to do this, but I can't when I see them everyday. Help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 The group has been poisioned. Don't be a fatality: get out. Find new friends, you know, REAL ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: No advice, sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am fond of the "Be busy - Very Very Busy" approach. Be juggling lots of items (books, bags, cell phones, kids) when you go past them in the morning. Fake a cell phone call if you have to. Sit apart so you can spread out your stuff and spend the time organizing your recipes with the concentration usually required for astrophysics. Smile and laugh and talk to your kids when you leave, but (obviously) have no time to stop and chat. In short - distance yourself from the ill-wishers and let some time pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 The group has been poisioned. Don't be a fatality: get out. Find new friends, you know, REAL ones. Agreed. Move on. I'd love to be your friend if you lived close! You can do better. Pray for them, wish them well, and find a couple new friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am fond of the "Be busy - Very Very Busy" approach. Be juggling lots of items (books, bags, cell phones, kids) when you go past them in the morning. Fake a cell phone call if you have to. Sit apart so you can spread out your stuff and spend the time organizing your recipes with the concentration usually required for astrophysics. Smile and laugh and talk to your kids when you leave, but (obviously) have no time to stop and chat. In short - distance yourself from the ill-wishers and let some time pass. That is a good idea. I am also a fan of "I don't need you anyway" approach. ;). Just continue about your life and act very happy. When you arrive, walk past them with a smile and say a kind hello, but keep on moving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Sounds like a frustrating and hurtful situation. I agree with the advice above - move on. Focus your time and energy on people and activities that bring you joy. Life's too short to put up with those types of "friends". :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am fond of the "Be busy - Very Very Busy" approach. Be juggling lots of items (books, bags, cell phones, kids) when you go past them in the morning. Fake a cell phone call if you have to. Sit apart so you can spread out your stuff and spend the time organizing your recipes with the concentration usually required for astrophysics. Smile and laugh and talk to your kids when you leave, but (obviously) have no time to stop and chat. In short - distance yourself from the ill-wishers and let some time pass. This might be the best option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Give the bread, because it is a kind thing to do for someone having a rough time, and let things fade. They are making it obvious that things are different, so let them be. You can find better friends. (and oh my goodness, are we in middle school?!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 (and oh my goodness, are we in middle school?!) It sure feels like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 You know, that is really awful. Have you considered being kind of ballsy and just saying to the group when you're passing by, "What's up? Is nobody talking to me anymore? Have you all collectively decided to drop me as a friend?" I may be inclined to do this just to get it out in the open and make them own up to what they're doing. I hate when things die out with a whimper, particularly when there's been an injustice done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeetime Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am fond of the "Be busy - Very Very Busy" approach. Be juggling lots of items (books, bags, cell phones, kids) when you go past them in the morning. Fake a cell phone call if you have to. Sit apart so you can spread out your stuff and spend the time organizing your recipes with the concentration usually required for astrophysics. Smile and laugh and talk to your kids when you leave, but (obviously) have no time to stop and chat. In short - distance yourself from the ill-wishers and let some time pass. I'm so sorry, Kristin. :iagree: This is what I would do, right down to the faking of the phone call. (You can pretend you're talking to one of us! ;) ) Smile and wave as you go past, but don't have "time" to stop and talk. I don't think I would confront any of them, quite frankly, because I think the odds of it getting even uglier and more hurtful are great. And you really, really don't need that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 You know, that is really awful. Have you considered being kind of ballsy and just saying to the group when you're passing by, "What's up? Is nobody talking to me anymore? Have you all collectively decided to drop me as a friend?" I may be inclined to do this just to get it out in the open and make them own up to what they're doing. I hate when things die out with a whimper, particularly when there's been an injustice done. This would be me. I'd keep it in a neutral tone and just say 'You know, getting the cold shoulder treatment is very hurtful.' And then I would excuse my way through them. At least they would know you know what they are doing. Doing it gently feels one way, being told straight up how you're acting is another thing entirely. If they want you out and you want to be out, it's time to move on. I'm sorry you have to see them every day. I would continue being polite and say 'hello' while smiling and keep on walking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Yep, Junior High is alive and well in this set. Time and distance is what you need; however, you can achieve it. So sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Give the bread, because it is a kind thing to do for someone having a rough time, and let things fade. They are making it obvious that things are different, so let them be. You can find better friends. (and oh my goodness, are we in middle school?!) :iagree: This is pretty much what I was going to say. Though if you are braver than I am, do the "What's up?" approach. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Yep, Junior High is alive and well in this set. Time and distance is what you need; however, you can achieve it. So sorry! I tend to agree with this. It sounds as if friend #1 has been talking about you behind your back to the rest of the group, and then the rest of the group has decided to cut of your friendship, too. If there is anyone in the group that is really important to you, I would talk to them and genuinely ask what is going on. Friend #1 was really rude to you -- she sounds to me like she is a bully -- someone with control issues. I wouldn't be surprised if she is saying things about you that are untrue. She is a manipulator and it sounds like you need to stay away from her, specifically. Whatever happened between you and friend #1 is between the two of you -- it's really silly and immature for anyone else to allow someone else's conflict to become their own. But it sounds as if these other ladies are allowing that to happen. If none of them is important to you, then just hold your head high, and let it go. They are not worth it. Do send the bread, though, if it's something you had already planned on doing as a gesture of kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am fond of the "Be busy - Very Very Busy" approach. Be juggling lots of items (books, bags, cell phones, kids) when you go past them in the morning. Fake a cell phone call if you have to. Sit apart so you can spread out your stuff and spend the time organizing your recipes with the concentration usually required for astrophysics. Smile and laugh and talk to your kids when you leave, but (obviously) have no time to stop and chat. In short - distance yourself from the ill-wishers and let some time pass. :iagree: Give the bread, because it is a kind thing to do for someone having a rough time, and let things fade. They are making it obvious that things are different, so let them be. You can find better friends. (and oh my goodness, are we in middle school?!) :iagree: You know, that is really awful. Have you considered being kind of ballsy and just saying to the group when you're passing by, "What's up? Is nobody talking to me anymore? Have you all collectively decided to drop me as a friend?" I may be inclined to do this just to get it out in the open and make them own up to what they're doing. I hate when things die out with a whimper, particularly when there's been an injustice done. I wish I were brave enough to do this, but if you are, I think this is a great approach, especially if you do care about some of them. The above has the potential of stirring and resettling the group. But mostly, :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 You know, that is really awful. Have you considered being kind of ballsy and just saying to the group when you're passing by, "What's up? Is nobody talking to me anymore? Have you all collectively decided to drop me as a friend?" I may be inclined to do this just to get it out in the open and make them own up to what they're doing. I hate when things die out with a whimper, particularly when there's been an injustice done. THis is pretty much what I would do, but I am more open to a confrontation if it came down to it. I would rather they lay their cards on the table rather than let them get a way with being two faced to me. Just be warned you may not always like what they have to say, so if you go in with this approach be wearing your flame proof armor. I find though if brought out no holds barred like this it either ends things in a way that has closure or it mends things when they realize what they are doing (if it has become an unconcious behaviour on their part). Basically you are being too nice about it all imo. Nice is great but don't be a door mat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Dd tried the direct approach in 8th grade and it failed miserably. I'm really sorry you are going through this. You have to move on, it's not you that's the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 What insanity. :grouphug: Bake the bread, give the note, because it is a loving thing to do, and that's good, even when you do it for a person who doesn't appreciate it. I'm with Gina. Say something when you pass by. Otherwise it's like an elephant fart in a closet. Just slice it open and make them own up to how they've acted. Then read a good book and shake the dust off your feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 :grouphug:I would bake the bread and enclose a friendly note. I would love to say confront them--but I never could. But I would plaster a smile on my face and be friendly. Some of them must know they are behaving horribly and may feel trapped. Lets face it your former friend is not a nice person! The best thing to do is make new friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I don't know, we got to the position and we moved. One was not because of the other however. I would be friendly and nice because that's who you are. Once you get written off a few times you get old and bitter and that's really not a great place to be. When you realize YOU don't want to be around YOU because of how you feel about people in general it's tough. I'm there a lot of the time. My advice is be true to yourself. If it's your nature to bake bread and give a note of encouragement do it. It's your action to own, not theirs to approve or disapprove. NO ONE GETS THE RIGHT TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE. If they don't like it they can continue to act like junior high school girls. YOU ARE A GROWN UP. Sooner or later your real friends will notice that. In the meantime you'll be able to sleep at night knowing you're just being yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 I hate confrontation. So, while I would love to say, "Ask them what their problem is?" I would never, ever, never do that. I always take the high road, the one that is true to myself. So, I would smile and say hi, but not stop to chat. I would not invite or accept invites (should you ever get one again). I would definitely bake the bread and write the note, because that's who I am. I'm so sorry, Kristin. This is stupid stuff that should not be experienced as an adult. ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 As much as I'd really like to know where I stand, I'll probably take the more passive "busy" approach. I hate confrontation, and I'm not sure I'm ready to hear how awful I am all over again. I was late this morning, so I avoided all contact. I did write up a card though, and will give it and the bread to my friend when I go to pick up DS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 ((Kristen)) Don't give them any more space in your head. I'd eat the bread myself while I was sitting independently. To h*** with them. Even IF you were able to salvage some relationship with some of the group, wouldn't you always wonder what was being said and done behind your back? Life is too short for this nonsense. They deserve each other. You deserve better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.