In need of unbiased opinions regarding school/education options for dd

[AimeeM]

This would be more accurately titled "I'm at my wit's end".

 

She wants badly to go back to school next year. This past year was our first full year homeschooling - she had been in bm school previous (mostly Catholic schools, a partial year in public school; the public school year being the reason we pulled her out).

Autumn is mildly dyslexic with auditory processing problems. Her strong suits are science and math; hates reading, is horrible with writing and spelling. She has made HUGE strides in all subject areas this year, but I will be the first to admit she isn't happy homeschooling. Frankly, it strains our relationship too. Homeschooling isn't something we set out to do - we pulled her out of necessity (bullying). I intend to homeschool her younger brothers, but that she has been to bm school, she has a preference (an issue I don't have with my younger son, obviously).

 

I'm not asking to be told that she shouldn't have an option - that isn't how our home operates. We encourage respectful debate and strive to ALWAYS take our children's opinions into account. Not meaning to sound snide about it, I'm just used to people telling me "she's 10 - this isn't her decision". It isn't, certainly, in the end; but her happiness is important to us.

 

I'm really up in the air about this. I'm not sure WHAT I'm asking here. Lol! Perhaps just someone to commiserate with. Homeschooling isn't a hill we will die on and we aren't set on it. We do not believe homeschooling is *always* best for *all* children and families. We have a COUPLE of Catholic school options, the problem is that the ONLY one with resources for children with learning differences is 5x's the price of the other Catholic schools (upwards of 20K a year, when including their fee for special services). The other Catholic schools are around $4K a year (much more affordable; but no special services). I'm afraid she wouldn't be able to keep up in language arts. Okay - I *know* she wouldn't be able to keep up with children who have been successfully using IEW (the program at least one school uses) for YEARS and she is only *just* narrating orally a two page story summary. The days at the Catholic schools are a bit longer (running until 3:30, not getting home until 4 with carline)... on top of homework and dinner, afterschooling or tutoring would be next to impossible.

 

I think I'm just thinking out loud, but please feel free to offer up opinions... or just prayers. Lol.

[EKS]

Where we live we have a public school option where we can teach our children at home but they can also go to classes a few afternoons each week with the same core group of kids. Do you think something like this could work, at least temporarily?

[nova147]

Could you change things to make homeschooling better for her? Can you pinpoint the sources of conflict? And/or what she prefers about going to school? It sounds like you don't see the school options as workable (either too difficult, too costly, or too mean). So, I would think you should try to make homeschool work, if possible. Involve her in the process too. Does she recognize the struggles she would have in the various schools available to her?

[Unicorn.]

Are there any homeschool classes where you live? Maybe getting to be w/ other kids in a classroom setting once or twice a week would help. One of my twins in going off to ps for 8th grade next year, but part of the deal in allowing that to happen, was that she had to really work hard for me, and to have a good attitude w/ me. She is an extremely social child, and needs to be w/ a lot of people. Her twin wants to homeschool through college. :tongue_smilie:

Maybe you could talk to your dd about going back to school in a few years, but look for some social/learning opportunities outside of the house in the meantime. :grouphug:

[West Coast Mom]

Can you get a scholarship to the more expensive Catholic school that offers resources for learning differences? Some of the private schools around here have a small number of scholarships offered per year.

[Tarreymere]

It doesn't sound like going back to a b&m school would be in her best interests in the long run, no matter what her preferences are right now. If, that is, you consider her education a priority. I don't know your child, but I'm going to suggest that meeting her educational needs isn't her first priority.

 

I get that you aren't comfortable making a choice that she doesn't agree with even though it would be better for her academically. I guess you could ask yourself what her imaginary twenty-five year old self would have wanted for her ten year old self if that imaginary twenty-five year old self could make the choice.

 

I'd let her know that you considered her opinion and lay out the reasons that led you to your decision, whatever it is. She may very well disagree but she'll know you thought about what she had to say.

[AimeeM]

Where we live we have a public school option where we can teach our children at home but they can also go to classes a few afternoons each week with the same core group of kids. Do you think something like this could work, at least temporarily?

We don't have that option here, unfortunately. No part time public school enrollment.

[Tarreymere]

It doesn't sound like going back to a b&m school would be in her best interests in the long run, no matter what her preferences are right now. If, that is, you consider her education a priority. I don't know your child, but I'm going to suggest that meeting her educational needs isn't her own first priority.

 

I get that you aren't comfortable making a choice that she doesn't agree with even though it would be better for her academically. I guess you could ask yourself what her imaginary twenty-five year old self would have wanted for her ten year old self if that imaginary twenty-five year old self could make the choice.

 

I'd let her know that you considered her opinion and lay out the reasons that led you to your decision, whatever it is. She may very well disagree but she'll know you thought about what she had to say, since that is important to you.

[ktgrok]

What social outlets does she have while homeschooling? my son wanted to go back to BM school too, but when I started up a support group for kids his age he made good friends and changed his mind. Does she have any homeschooled friends?

[Trilliums]

I'd probe a bit into the WHY behind her wanting to go to school.

 

Is it for more interaction with other kids? Is it because mom is freaked out and frazzled over her education (not to imply that YOU are, that was definitely me though :D)? Are there specific things she misses?

 

Ultimately, you just have to go with your gut...or I mean, logically consider all the pros and cons and come to an informed, rational decision.

[Stacy in NJ]

My oldest ds, now 15, is dyslexic. He's completing his first year of high school at our local ps. This was his first year returning to school after homeschooling 2nd-8th grades. It's been a terrific year for him. He's earning a B+ in the honors level English class. When he was your dd's age he was reading at about a first grade level. Because both he and I are strong willed individuals, we bumped heads a lot over the years. Even though it was a struggle at times, I don't for a minute regret keeping him home. It was best for him academically.

 

For a dyslexic kid, those years when they're learning and solidifying their reading and writing skills are absolutely critical. If she's currently not now reading at grade level, it's unlikely that she'll catch up in an institutional setting unless you spend significant time afterschooling her or hire a private tutor. In my experience, schools, whether public or private, rarely focus with enough consistency on remediating struggling learners.

 

For academic reasons I'd keep her home for as long as you all can tolerate it. I'd look for outside resources to supplement enrichment activities (girl scouts, choir, music, art, sports) as a social outlet, but I'd keep her home for academic reasons.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Stacy in NJ

[Kathryn]

It doesn't sound like going back to a b&m school would be in her best interests in the long run, no matter what her preferences are right now. If, that is, you consider her education a priority. I don't know your child, but I'm going to suggest that meeting her educational needs isn't her first priority.

 

I get that you aren't comfortable making a choice that she doesn't agree with even though it would be better for her academically. I guess you could ask yourself what her imaginary twenty-five year old self would have wanted for her ten year old self if that imaginary twenty-five year old self could make the choice.

 

I'd let her know that you considered her opinion and lay out the reasons that led you to your decision, whatever it is. She may very well disagree but she'll know you thought about what she had to say.

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

Is it in her best interest to go back to school?

 

Why does she want to go back to school?

 

Can she commit to finishing middle school at home then reevaluate prior to entering high school? Hopefully at that point you'll have her caught up in the areas she is behind on. There is something to be said about one-on-one education.

[Ellie]

I would agree that school might not be in her best interest.

 

It is pretty common for people to be unsure about homeschooling on a long-term basis after just the first year. But truly, you need to homeschool more than one year, if only because of the stability of being in one place, KWIM? It takes most of us more than a year to find out what really works for us. And it can take more than a year for parents and children to rebuild the relationships that were destroyed because the children were away from home, in the care of complete strangers and influenced by 20-30 other equally immature people, for most of their time.

 

If she has made "huge strides in all subject areas this year," she might well regress if she went back to school. Remember that professional educators were responsible for her academic achievements, but you made the difference.

 

I'm thinking maybe it would be better for you to reevaluate some of the things you do to see if you can make next year more enjoyable for all of you. You didn't say if you were involved in any support group activities; if not, would that be possible? I don't mean every day--in fact, I'd encourage you NOT to leave the house every day for outside activities, because they don't build your relationships--but once a week. Afternoon sports or dance? Something where you can add a little socializing while still maintaining your own control (I tried to think of another word than "control," lol; I'm just thinking that it's more important for *you* to be teaching, and for you and your dc to be socializing, than to depend on outside groups and activities).

 

Just some thoughts. :-)

[amy g.]

Another vote for keeping her home, and changing your homeschooling to make you both happier.

 

As a former teacher, and mother of a special needs daughter, I strongly believe that schools have a much harder time meeting the needs of special kids than a determined homeschooling parent.

[myfunnybunch]

The days at the Catholic schools are a bit longer (running until 3:30, not getting home until 4 with carline)... on top of homework and dinner, afterschooling or tutoring would be next to impossible.

 

What does she think about this?

 

It may be that the scheduling and logistics of fitting in school, homework, meals, family time, and time to relax will be quite a challenge for her, particularly in the upper grades as instruction gradually becomes more abstract and language-based.

 

For my kids, having the freedom to be flexible with the schedule is a big bonus.

 

I think I'd first try to find out what exactly she prefers about b&m school, and see if you can work together to find ways to meet those needs while homeschooling.

 

Cat

[AimeeM]

Can you get a scholarship to the more expensive Catholic school that offers resources for learning differences? Some of the private schools around here have a small number of scholarships offered per year.

We have a low six figure income. We are never considered for financial aid; despite my son's medical bills (which is why it would be needed). I have asked and been told that we wouldn't fit the bill on that end.

[AimeeM]

What social outlets does she have while homeschooling? my son wanted to go back to BM school too, but when I started up a support group for kids his age he made good friends and changed his mind. Does she have any homeschooled friends?

We only belong to one co-op and she isn't able to participate much because of her brother's medical needs. I simply can't have the exposure.

With that said, she participates in soccer, has friends in the neighborhood (including her best friend), and we are always trying to get her involved in various recreational outlets. She has no shortage of friends. Lol.

No home school friends. Well, one - but she is several years younger than Autumn.

[Night Elf]

Here are my thoughts based on the first post and without reading replies.

 

1. I understand your desire to include her in the decision. We do that too. My youngest dd has always shown a preference for school. As I said in another post today, we put her into school for every year from 1st to 5th grades. With the exception of 3rd grade when she stayed in all year, she averaged about 2 months each of the other school years. Her one and only reason to be in school was to be around other children. She hated being so lonely at home. However, each year something would happen that would make us bring her home. I do wish I had handled those problems better, but what is done is done. But yes, I let her choose each year and she was always included in the decision to come back home.

 

2. Have you talked with the more affordable schools to see how they might handle her special needs? Maybe there is something you can do in partnership with the teacher to help your dd at home.

 

3. Is she absolutely miserable at home? My dd's loneliness broke my heart. It still hurts my heart. She is now 14 and the loneliness is worse than ever before. She will be going to high school in the Fall. I don't like it 100% but I'm having to accept that her time in homeschooling is simply done.

 

4. If you brought her home because of bullying, was it a one-on-one situation or was it a group of kids? Could you speak to the principal and tell him/her you are considering placing her back in the school but you need to know how to prevent the same thing from happening again.

 

5. If you keep her home, have a serious talk with her and listen to her concerns. Regardless of how silly or irrelevant they may seem to be, they are very real to her. See if you can reach a compromise so that her needs and wants are close to being met. This was our saving grace as we brought dd home each year. I always addressed her specific, current problems to make things easier on her. And it was always fairly successful. For her, the best thing we did was find her a place that offered homeschool classes. There were only a small handful of kids in each class but it gave her a chance to be around other kids. She also developed best friend relationships with 2 girls there that helped her survive middle school at home. Unfortunately, those 2 girls are so busy that they are lucky if they can all get together once every couple of months. That's just not enough social time for dd14.

 

Well, I've rambled as usual. Sorry you're facing this difficult decision. It's not easy! :grouphug:

[Trilliums]

My oldest ds, now 15, is dyslexic. He's completing his first year of high school at our local ps. This was his first year returning to school after homeschooling 2nd-8th grades. It's been a terrific year for him. He's earning a B+ in the honors level English class. When he was your dd's age he was reading at about a first grade level. Because both he and I are strong willed individuals, we bumped heads a lot over the years. Even though it was a struggle at times, I don't for a minute regret keeping him home. It was best for him academically.

 

 

 

Similar situation here with my oldest son. We pretty much unschooled the elementary years though. DS is in 3 public school classes this year (first time in class since 1st grade) and doing exceptionally well. He plans to take 3 or 4 AP classes next year. In elementary grades he struggled with writing and math computation. Now he has minimal problems in those areas. His main concern is his speed, but he is improving in that area as well.

 

Given your income, I'd seriously consider saving that 4K per year for future college costs. We are in similar bracket and we are wondering how it will work out with financial/merit aid for the kids to attend college. We earn enough to be out of consideration for most financial aid, but not enough to cover a private U tuition. We have savings enough to cover our local U, but older son in particular is hoping for a private technical school.

[MomatHWTK]

Well, it looks like to start, if she has home you have at least $4000 to spend on making it up to her. ;) If you considered the cost of the school that would suit her needs, then you're up to $20,000.

 

Because you don't feel the school you can afford can meet her needs, I wouldn't see it as a viable option. So it's not about happy or not, but whether she can get an education there. KWIM?

 

If you start from the assumption that there is no option outside of home (due to the above reasons), then the next step for me would be to determine how I can make the option that we do have (homeschooling) the best possible experience for my child. That brings us back up to that $4000.

 

I am not suggesting you blow it all on goodies. But, do consider making an investment. When my DS was able to do things outside of the home (he has anxiety issues now) we took rock climbing classes, art classes, etc. We still go on fun field trips in the middle of the week and have an annual pass to the local theme park. We also pay for kid-safe online social activities. These are extra social experiences to replace the ones he's not getting through a school setting.

 

So I guess my approach would be to find out from DD exactly what is most important to her as far as wanting to go back to school outside the home and see if I could address those needs.

 

Alternatively, would you qualify for a scholarship at the more expensive private school? Can you send her to the less expensive one and invest in tutoring or a home program to assist her in staying caught up? Can you invest in technology based accomodations that the school would allow her to use?

[AimeeM]

Here are my thoughts based on the first post and without reading replies.

 

1. I understand your desire to include her in the decision. We do that too. My youngest dd has always shown a preference for school. As I said in another post today, we put her into school for every year from 1st to 5th grades. With the exception of 3rd grade when she stayed in all year, she averaged about 2 months each of the other school years. Her one and only reason to be in school was to be around other children. She hated being so lonely at home. However, each year something would happen that would make us bring her home. I do wish I had handled those problems better, but what is done is done. But yes, I let her choose each year and she was always included in the decision to come back home.

 

2. Have you talked with the more affordable schools to see how they might handle her special needs? Maybe there is something you can do in partnership with the teacher to help your dd at home. She needs to pass an entrance exam and "keep up" in the classes. The language arts portion of the entrance exam is my main concern.

 

3. Is she absolutely miserable at home? My dd's loneliness broke my heart. It still hurts my heart. She is now 14 and the loneliness is worse than ever before. She will be going to high school in the Fall. I don't like it 100% but I'm having to accept that her time in homeschooling is simply done. She IS miserable! I know she's lonely and I'm right there with you - it breaks my heart. There is a large age gap between her and my son (8 years); so all day, every day, it's just me and her until her neighborhood friend(s) are home from school and finished with their homework.

 

4. If you brought her home because of bullying, was it a one-on-one situation or was it a group of kids? Could you speak to the principal and tell him/her you are considering placing her back in the school but you need to know how to prevent the same thing from happening again. This would not be the same school. The school we had an issue with bullying at was a public K-5 school; right now the only schools on the table are Catholic K-8 schools (with the exception of the 20K a year school, which is 6-12).

 

5. If you keep her home, have a serious talk with her and listen to her concerns. Regardless of how silly or irrelevant they may seem to be, they are very real to her. See if you can reach a compromise so that her needs and wants are close to being met. This was our saving grace as we brought dd home each year. I always addressed her specific, current problems to make things easier on her. And it was always fairly successful. For her, the best thing we did was find her a place that offered homeschool classes. There were only a small handful of kids in each class but it gave her a chance to be around other kids. She also developed best friend relationships with 2 girls there that helped her survive middle school at home. Unfortunately, those 2 girls are so busy that they are lucky if they can all get together once every couple of months. That's just not enough social time for dd14. I so wish we had this option (homeschool classes). Our co-op offers classes, but I'm required to stay on campus and can't do that with our son (medical needs). We do have two private schools that offer enrollment for homeschooled children, the problem is that these are schools with MAJOR theological differences (we are Catholic; one of the schools is Bob Jones Academy and another protestant private school that uses only Bob Jones texts and all teachers are BJU grads, given our location).

 

Well, I've rambled as usual. Sorry you're facing this difficult decision. It's not easy! :grouphug:

I should clarify too - often when I speak of this to friends or family they choose to see this as a discipline problem. It isn't. Frankly, I've never in my life met a more easy going, helpful, sweet child as my Autumn (lol - I'm probably biased there). She rarely complains, never really back talks, doesn't pout or give lip about her work... but she doesn't smile any more either. She doesn't laugh or get excited about her days. She wakes up later and later and just goes through the motions. She isn't depressed - she lights up when she is finally set loose with her friends in the evening; but during the school day, she is MISERABLE.

[Trilliums]

FWIW, my kids are looking at going to the public high school next year and the decision feels just as hard as the original decision to homeschool them.

 

I get the impression that you are tending towards the private school and in that case, you probably should pursue that option. Of course most of us here are going to try to brainstorm for ways to keep her at home, but it doesn't mean it is definitely the right thing for you to do. :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

FWIW, my kids are looking at going to the public high school next year and the decision feels just as hard as the original decision to homeschool them.

 

I get the impression that you are tending towards the private school and in that case, you probably should pursue that option. Of course most of us here are going to try to brainstorm for ways to keep her at home, but it doesn't mean it is definitely the right thing for you to do. :grouphug:

Oh I am SOOO leaning towards the private school. Lol.

However, I'm likely NOT going to choose that option. Not right now. I wish so much that I could do this for her, but realistically, she could not function successfully (academically) in a normal classroom environment with normal 6th grade expectations in language arts.

 

I am considering a compromise and I wonder how you ladies would approach it. What *if* I dropped everything EXCEPT math and science (her two favorite subjects) for the rest of this school year (I'm due to give birth in June anyway) - knowing that by default, she will have to read and write within her science curriculum? Then pick things back up in the fall with a full board of subjects? Also, the compromise may be that we do this for the first semester next year; then reevaluate where she is, and if we feel she is ready and can pass the entrance exam, she can start back at bm school for the second semester (after Christmas).

[ktgrok]

We only belong to one co-op and she isn't able to participate much because of her brother's medical needs. I simply can't have the exposure.

With that said, she participates in soccer, has friends in the neighborhood (including her best friend), and we are always trying to get her involved in various recreational outlets. She has no shortage of friends. Lol.

No home school friends. Well, one - but she is several years younger than Autumn.

 

Ok, I bet that is the problem. She is at an age where being "normal" is very very very important. And to her, regular school is normal. She needs some homeschooled friends. If she can be exposed to the kids in the neighborhood and at soccer, what is the difference with the exposure at the co-op? If the timing doesn't work, can you set up something else for homeschooled kids at a different time?

[ktgrok]

Ah, ok, I read about the co op requiring you to be there. Can you talk to them about your son's issues, and ask if an exception be made? My son's co-op is similar, but his sister is 10 years younger and I just can't keep her busy there that long, so I drop him off and the other parents have agreed to keep an eye on him. I stay in the area, running errands, and keep my cell phone on if they need me. Also, look to see if any of the groups offer things like homeschool gym, or gymnastics, or whatever...those are usually drop off.

[OLG]

No direct experience but my thoughts are that (1) it's 'that' time of year when everything becomes harder when homeschooling. Teacher and students are fried. Problems look large! (2) your dd sounds lovely and sweet and she is at that age where maybe adding more responsibility and independent work would signal to her that you recognize she is growing and maturing. Could she maybe help out more with your ds or be given some part in planning the school work for next year? (3) back off on anything that stresses you both till next fall. WIth a baby due and the year winding down, just get it over with ;) lol. I suspect that after the baby arrives and after you both have a couple of months of being 'off' then things could look a tad differently. In the end, you know she needs to be home for a few more years at least so design those years to meet her needs and yours. :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

Ok, I bet that is the problem. She is at an age where being "normal" is very very very important. And to her, regular school is normal. She needs some homeschooled friends. If she can be exposed to the kids in the neighborhood and at soccer, what is the difference with the exposure at the co-op? If the timing doesn't work, can you set up something else for homeschooled kids at a different time?

I am required to stay on campus for the co-op classes - that's the main difference. I would have to sit in a nursery room with an immune compromised toddler :tongue_smilie:. Also, the closed, small church areas are much different on an exposure level than him running an empty field while sissy practices in the open air.

With that said, I *did* own another homeschool group until recently (I stepped down). We had about a dozen homeschoolers - but all under the age of 6. I stepped down because, frankly, most of them were either radical unschoolers who didn't understand we couldn't set up all day, no time limit playdates several times a week, OR they were only homeschooling for preschool and intended to send their children to public after. It seems like most homeschoolers here belong to a few of the large co-ops here and I understand that... I mean, they offer things I could never really offer and are often so busy that I guess it's hard to fit in *just* playdates and support lunches (which is all I could offer and only at certain times of the year).

 

I so wish that we had another homeschooling family in the neighborhood... someone with a child within a year or two of Autumn... just somebody to combine, say, history or science with several times a week... somebody to team up with for lunch or "recess". That's me dreaming :D.

[bettyandbob]

I think it might be possible to do coop even with the major medical issues.

 

Can you get special in home babysitting during co op time. Years ago I remember a special care babysitting service near me. I never needed it. So I don't know how that works.

 

In the alternative, can you have a babysitter stay at co op as her guardian. I'd think you could make this request since there is a medical issue involved. It would have to be someone would consistently commit.

 

In either situation I would think the some of the money you do have for the lower price tuition would cover.

 

My concern is that going for the lower price tuition at a school that does not meet your dd needs sets her up for failure and could really damage her self esteem in the long term. If you can remediate at home, you are likely to be able to consider brick and mortar school for high school with success. Entering in middle school may not only widen the gaps she has academically, but set her up for social issues. It doesn't matter if you are in public or private school bullying is always a possibility. Your dd is less likely to have social problems if she delays entrance into b&m school until high school because kids in general slow down on bullying behavior .

[Trilliums]

I am considering a compromise and I wonder how you ladies would approach it. What *if* I dropped everything EXCEPT math and science (her two favorite subjects) for the rest of this school year (I'm due to give birth in June anyway) - knowing that by default, she will have to read and write within her science curriculum? Then pick things back up in the fall with a full board of subjects?

 

 

If it is her school work causing the stress, then YES! This is along the lines of how elementary went for my boys. They were behind until middle school but at that time they were able to make up the gaps in a very short period of time and now are even accelerated. You might not even need to go back to a full board of subjects in the fall. :001_smile: I know this board is all about the vigor, but I firmly believe it can be achieved in a variety of ways.

 

If she responds well to audio or video learning I would let her acquire history & literature this way. Expose her to information in a variety of formats and discuss it with her to develop critical thinking skills. Read out loud...even do grammar out loud or at least just talk about it.

[AimeeM]

No direct experience but my thoughts are that (1) it's 'that' time of year when everything becomes harder when homeschooling. Teacher and students are fried. Problems look large! (2) your dd sounds lovely and sweet and she is at that age where maybe adding more responsibility and independent work would signal to her that you recognize she is growing and maturing. Could she maybe help out more with your ds or be given some part in planning the school work for next year? (3) back off on anything that stresses you both till next fall. WIth a baby due and the year winding down, just get it over with ;) lol. I suspect that after the baby arrives and after you both have a couple of months of being 'off' then things could look a tad differently. In the end, you know she needs to be home for a few more years at least so design those years to meet her needs and yours. :grouphug:

Thank God. I need someone to tell me it's okay to just DROP everything (except math and science, her favs) until fall.

She is already a HUGE help with her brother. I think that's part of the problem. Because of his fragile health there's an almost unhealthy attachment, frankly. Second Mommy Syndrome, I call it :D.

 

I asked her if she could help me "teach" brother preschool next year. That is one thing she is VERY excited for.

[ktgrok]

Oooh, I like the idea of the sitter taking her to co-op! Also, the issue of all the kids being younger was a problem for us too. So I set up a group JUST for middle school students. I figured they HAd to be out there, and were not coming to activities for the same reason my son didn't want to go, all the kids were little. We ended up with a very active group, with a core group that meets every week. Every single parent said they were so glad, as until then all the groups they went to were full of little kids. Maybe try to do that? I just set it up on yahoo, and advertised on all the other homeschool groups. We allow siblings to attend, but it is geared for the middle school kids.

[Adrianne in TX]

First of all prayers for all of you.....after that... is there a Catholic homeschool co-op you could do? We have 2- 2 day initiatives that meet the need of those kids that want "school" but mom and dad want homeschooling. You give up some control but all in all do a good job. Also there is Classically Catholic Memorywork (CCM) that is a 1/2 model that gives kids that "school room" feel. You may have investigated all this, and we are not a homeschool or bust family but I have started, joined and investigated options so it hasn't been a big issue.

[LaxMom]

It doesn't sound like going back to a b&m school would be in her best interests in the long run, no matter what her preferences are right now. If, that is, you consider her education a priority. I don't know your child, but I'm going to suggest that meeting her educational needs isn't her first priority.

 

I get that you aren't comfortable making a choice that she doesn't agree with even though it would be better for her academically. I guess you could ask yourself what her imaginary twenty-five year old self would have wanted for her ten year old self if that imaginary twenty-five year old self could make the choice.

 

I'd let her know that you considered her opinion and lay out the reasons that led you to your decision, whatever it is. She may very well disagree but she'll know you thought about what she had to say.

I agree. I think there is a reason 10 year olds have parents. We take the kids' preferences into account, but we are ultimately the ones who have to take the long view and make decisions that support that. As they get older, and can see how the here and now affects their future goals, their opinions and preferences get more and more weight in decisions.

 

We have many friends who have made different educational decisions than ours. The thing they all have in common is that the decisions were made thoughtfully, accounting for all the variables of their particular family/child they could.

 

My opinion is this: you need to find out what she prefers about going to a b&m school. Is it the social aspect? Is it a rigid structure? Is it lack of accountability? And then, you need to find the sweet spot between your academic (and future) goals and the pieces she desires from her school experience. Finding that spot can be tough.

[AimeeM]

Oooh, I like the idea of the sitter taking her to co-op! Also, the issue of all the kids being younger was a problem for us too. So I set up a group JUST for middle school students. I figured they HAd to be out there, and were not coming to activities for the same reason my son didn't want to go, all the kids were little. We ended up with a very active group, with a core group that meets every week. Every single parent said they were so glad, as until then all the groups they went to were full of little kids. Maybe try to do that? I just set it up on yahoo, and advertised on all the other homeschool groups. We allow siblings to attend, but it is geared for the middle school kids.

I love, love the idea for a middle school co-op. I think I might try to do that! Would Yahoo or Meetup be a better place to start it?

 

On the sitter note - it's a great idea but we are really attached to our current sitter... and she's too young to drive (15). She *could* stay with our son at home, but at $12 an hour, for at least a few hours every week, we are looking at upwards of $40 a week, on top of co-op fees and material fees (for the classes), and having to drive the sitter home every evening (not something we mind). An awful lot for a co-op class once a week (that we are required to volunteer during as well). I know that in the scheme of things, it's still *less* than private school tuition... but not by much.

[MomatHWTK]

My 8 y.o. proudly calls herself "Vice Mommy" to our 2 y.o. She just has the nurture gene. If you are interested, my DD participates on Always Ice Cream and it offers safe chat options. She can't spell well so her 11 y.o. brother helps her. :001_smile: PM if you decide to sign up for the site and I'll give you DD's name so your DD can find her. I posted some discount codes awhile ago and there's also a 20% off one floating around the internet. How do you feel about online games in general? I can offer more recommendations if that's something you would want to pursue.

 

Also, don't limit yourself to homeschool groups for socializing. There may be some other interest your DD has that she can pursue. Our town has after school gymnastics, a rock hunting club, a place to go and paint pottery... Does your YMCA offer homeschool classes- ours does. The local roller skating rink has a homeschool day as well.

 

I do understand the physical limitations of having a SN child- ours is the oldest. Immuno-compromised is tough, would her going to school make that more difficult anyway? (Not that you should tell her that, just something to think about.) For us it's the anxiety issues plus very severe allergies- can't even go into a house if they have an indoor pet, plus lots of food allergies. Coops were tough for us for this reason- hard to work out the food limitations when the kids are young and touch everything. :tongue_smilie:

[AimeeM]

I agree. I think there is a reason 10 year olds have parents. We take the kids' preferences into account, but we are ultimately the ones who have to take the long view and make decisions that support that. As they get older, and can see how the here and now affects their future goals, their opinions and preferences get more and more weight in decisions.

 

We have many friends who have made different educational decisions than ours. The thing they all have in common is that the decisions were made thoughtfully, accounting for all the variables of their particular family/child they could.

 

My opinion is this: you need to find out what she prefers about going to a b&m school. Is it the social aspect? Is it a rigid structure? Is it lack of accountability? And then, you need to find the sweet spot between your academic (and future) goals and the pieces she desires from her school experience. Finding that spot can be tough.

I can honestly say, that as an adult, I sincerely WISH I had been given more say in my education as a child.

I understand what you are saying, but as I stated in my OP, that isn't how it works here. Ultimately, if she is miserable at home, and another semester or two at home doesn't fix the problem, I'm not risking our relationship just so that she can have a one on one education. I cannot emulate a class filled with discussion, lunches laughing with age peers, recesses spent giggling about boys, horrible teachers, or too much homework. They may seem like trivial experiences to us adults and no reason to send her back, but they are very real to her.

 

I don't mean to sound as snippy as it looks written here :( I'm sorry. I'm frazzled. I'm not sure what to do and I'm exhausting myself over it.

Edited April 28, 2012 by AimeeM

[Haiku]

What are her reasons for wanting to go to school? You have sound reasons for wanting to homeschool: the public school environment wasn't acceptable, and the Catholic school that would meet her educational needs is out of reach financially.

 

What reasons can she produce for wanting to go to school that are as sound? What is her plan for ensuring she gets the education she needs if she goes to school?

 

I understand that you don't wan to dictate what she will do. In our home, we tell our kids how they will be schooled, and they don't make the decision. I know not everyone does that. I think it's probably fine if other people allow their kids to make the decision, but ... in the end ... going to school for social reasons is not a good reason to forfeit a good education.

 

If your dd is unhappy homeschooling, find out exactly why. Try to come up with a plan that will address these issues. If she doesn't feel like she gets enough friend time, schedule regular friend time. If she doesn't like having to work for you, find another adult that she is accountable to and has to meet with regularly to show her progress. If she doesn't like the curricula you're using, let her help you research other options.

 

If she just wants to go to school because she wants to and isn't willing to work on addressing the issues she has with homeschooling, I'd say it's a maturity issue, and she's demonstrating that she isn't mature enough to make the decision.

 

If she comes up with a really great, workable plan for going to school, then more power to her.

 

Personally, I would never let my kids go to school for social interaction. I have forced my oldest dd (who has been schooled since 6th grade) to stick with the high school we chose for her: a very demanding school that requires a huge commitment of time and vast amounts of work. It's way harder than a regular public school, but it is the school that will get her college-ready. She has frequently complained about being unhappy there, but she just found out that she's a finalist for a summer Horizons in Medicine internship that could earn her a free year of college, and our state's former governor just agreed to be her reference for a $10,000 college scholarship she's applying for. She knows him because he led an internship she had to complete for this school she dislikes. She would not have had these opportunities had we not insisted she remain in the academic environment that is best for her. Sometimes parents really do know best and kids just don't have the long view. If your dd goes to an unsuitable school that doesn't effectively teach her, it will have long-term negative ramifications for her.

 

Tara

[AimeeM]

What are her reasons for wanting to go to school? You have sound reasons for wanting to homeschool: the public school environment wasn't acceptable, and the Catholic school that would meet her educational needs is out of reach financially.

 

What reasons can she produce for wanting to go to school that are as sound? What is her plan for ensuring she gets the education she needs if she goes to school?

 

I understand that you don't wan to dictate what she will do. In our home, we tell our kids how they will be schooled, and they don't make the decision. I know not everyone does that. I think it's probably fine if other people allow their kids to make the decision, but ... in the end ... going to school for social reasons is not a good reason to forfeit a good education.

 

If your dd is unhappy homeschooling, find out exactly why. Try to come up with a plan that will address these issues. If she doesn't feel like she gets enough friend time, schedule regular friend time. If she doesn't like having to work for you, find another adult that she is accountable to and has to meet with regularly to show her progress. If she doesn't like the curricula you're using, let her help you research other options.

 

If she just wants to go to school because she wants to and isn't willing to work on addressing the issues she has with homeschooling, I'd say it's a maturity issue, and she's demonstrating that she isn't mature enough to make the decision.

 

If she comes up with a really great, workable plan for going to school, then more power to her.

 

Personally, I would never let my kids go to school for social interaction. I have forced my oldest dd (who has been schooled since 6th grade) to stick with the high school we chose for her: a very demanding school that requires a huge commitment of time and vast amounts of work. It's way harder than a regular public school, but it is the school that will get her college-ready. She has frequently complained about being unhappy there, but she just found out that she's a finalist for a summer Horizons in Medicine internship that could earn her a free year of college, and our state's former governor just agreed to be her reference for a $10,000 college scholarship she's applying for. She knows him because he led an internship she had to complete for this school she dislikes. She would not have had these opportunities had we not insisted she remain in the academic environment that is best for her. Sometimes parents really do know best and kids just don't have the long view. If your dd goes to an unsuitable school that doesn't effectively teach her, it will have long-term negative ramifications for her.

 

Tara

I feel that her desire to have lunch with friends, recess, discussions with age peers during class... to be very valid. These are things she enjoyed very much about school.

 

Again, I want to clarify that I do not view this as a discipline or power issue. She is NOT misbehaving about this - not so much as a tantrum. She is simply miserably (on a level I can notice easily). She makes *mention* of missing lunch, classes, etc - but she doesn't whine about it. She is overshadowed at home. Her needs ("Mom, I need help with this <insert subject assignment>) take back seat when Nico is coughing, Nico has a fever, Nico has an appointment, or I am trying to get Nico down for a much needed nap.

 

I'm the larger problem I think. I still have no clue how to homeschool a child with mild learning differences, while parenting a child with major medical problems - without feeling like I'm shorting one or both of them.

 

I think you guys have helped me come to that conclusion. This is my issue more than it's hers. That's hard to come to terms with. I feel like a crappy mom... yikes.

[Stacy in NJ]

Given your income, I'd seriously consider saving that 4K per year for future college costs. We are in similar bracket and we are wondering how it will work out with financial/merit aid for the kids to attend college. We earn enough to be out of consideration for most financial aid, but not enough to cover a private U tuition. We have savings enough to cover our local U, but older son in particular is hoping for a private technical school.

 

That 4K per year would add up to a nice nest egg for college. :001_smile:

[ktgrok]

I love, love the idea for a middle school co-op. I think I might try to do that! Would Yahoo or Meetup be a better place to start it?

 

On the sitter note - it's a great idea but we are really attached to our current sitter... and she's too young to drive (15). She *could* stay with our son at home, but at $12 an hour, for at least a few hours every week, we are looking at upwards of $40 a week, on top of co-op fees and material fees (for the classes), and having to drive the sitter home every evening (not something we mind). An awful lot for a co-op class once a week (that we are required to volunteer during as well). I know that in the scheme of things, it's still *less* than private school tuition... but not by much.

 

I like yahoo better. I dislike the set up of meet up. Also, it doesn't have to be a co-op, it could just be a support group. We got o a co-op with another group, but our middle school group is more just "fun". The kids really wanted time to socialize, not do more projects. So we meet up every thursday afternoon for a couple hours. Usually a park, sometimes at a local ice cream parlor, or at the dollar movie theater (in that case I let the other adults supervise my kid and I take my toddler to run errands), someone's pool, etc. We do field trips about once a month or every other month. The kids now talk on the phone with each other, send texts, and have each other over for birthday parties, etc. Real friends. It is awesome. IT took a little while to get a steady group, and I won't lie, out of the 50 families signed up about 5 show up each week, but it is the same 5, so about 10 kids total, and they are SO close now. It made all the difference in the world for my son. If I were you I'd start it now! Have some "organizational" or "get to know you" meetings at local parks or what not, and then maybe once a month over the summer do something together, so you have things in place for the new school year.

 

Good luck!

[iamrachelle]

I would agree that school might not be in her best interest.

 

It is pretty common for people to be unsure about homeschooling on a long-term basis after just the first year. But truly, you need to homeschool more than one year, if only because of the stability of being in one place, KWIM? It takes most of us more than a year to find out what really works for us. And it can take more than a year for parents and children to rebuild the relationships that were destroyed because the children were away from home, in the care of complete strangers and influenced by 20-30 other equally immature people, for most of their time.

 

If she has made "huge strides in all subject areas this year," she might well regress if she went back to school. Remember that professional educators were responsible for her academic achievements, but you made the difference.

 

I'm thinking maybe it would be better for you to reevaluate some of the things you do to see if you can make next year more enjoyable for all of you. You didn't say if you were involved in any support group activities; if not, would that be possible? I don't mean every day--in fact, I'd encourage you NOT to leave the house every day for outside activities, because they don't build your relationships--but once a week. Afternoon sports or dance? Something where you can add a little socializing while still maintaining your own control (I tried to think of another word than "control," lol; I'm just thinking that it's more important for *you* to be teaching, and for you and your dc to be socializing, than to depend on outside groups and activities).

 

Just some thoughts. :-)

 

:iagree: Miss Ellie always gives the best advice.