BoZeeCo's Mom Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) I need Hive Mind help! It is becoming clear to me that my husband and I need to have a conversation about what is and is not appropriate behavior. Without going into specifics, I am just wondering if anyone has any resources to recommend for me to research before we talk to him. We are of the opinion that a s## drive is a natural thing for all people, and I'm looking for recommendations of resources that also are of that opinion. Also, of course since he's so young, I am looking for resources that will help us speak in a way that he can understand and not frighten him. Writing this, I know this is going to (hopefully) be a lot harder for us than it will be for him. Many thanks in advance. Edited April 25, 2012 by BoZeeCo's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 First, if you are speaking of a fairly natural exploration and fiddling around that little boys often do, it really is not at his age related to any kind of drive other than curiousity and "oh, hey, I have this bit down here.....how interesting!" I don't know of any books, but would just simply suggest a very calm "son, remember how we don't show our private bits to other people? we also don't touch those bits in front of other people" and then just redirect him to some other, appropriate activity. A fidget widget of some sort so he can be fiddling with something, keeping his hands busy; a silky something to rub or hold, so he can self-soothe; an active game so that he forgets what he was doing; whatever method of redirection works best for him. I would not make it about his 'drive' at this age, at all, but would treat it much the way you might treat nose picking, or bottom scratching, or any other behavior like that. It's normal curiosity, but is not okay in public. end of story, no big deal. Truly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I didn't think chidren really HAVE a sex drive at 5? My boys are 6 and 9, and they certainly don't have one yet. I mean, they play with themselves sometimes; but that has nothing to do with sex, so far as I know. Wouldn't a 'sex drive' start with puberty? I think you're gonna have to give us more info, unfortunately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I agree with the others. Both my have and still do "rearrange" :glare:themselves. I remind the oldest boy that it is *NOT* appropriate and the youngest... well I have a difficult time keeping clothes on him (he is my sensory child) so it is more of an auto reflex thing than anything else. However we do tell him not to do it. They also never do it in public. Home is another story but outside the home. Nope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I have 2 boys 11 and 13 now. Yes they were constantly messing with their hotdog at that age :lol: I don't think it is a sex drive exactly more like a I got this thing down here. I would not shame him I just told my boys that is something we do in private. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoZeeCo's Mom Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) I guess I used "s## drive" just as a technical term. "self exploration" has been going on for a few years, now, and we've always handled that in a very relaxed way. Just briefly reminded him that it's a private thing that is perfectly natural and needs to be done in the privacy of his own room. He has always acted like it's a normal thing. Over the last month or so, though, he closes his door to do it, and one day I came to tell him goodnight and he yelled at me to get out. Which is fine, I totally respect his right to privacy. What has been bothering me and what makes me think we are going to have to go a little further in depth with him is that he has made some strange comments that have to do with his sister (not tons, just one, but I didn't really hear him, and when I asked him to repeat it, he said something completely different than what I thought I heard) and he has just been kind of getting her into these situations that are questionable. Also, with the neighbor girl. Edited April 25, 2012 by BoZeeCo's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maus Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) What children have at that age, as taught by my college Human Development professor, is eliminatory organ curiosity. And it does feel good to touch those parts. Teach him not to do that in public, as the PP said, and teach him the proper names for the parts and functions associated with going to the bathroom. (That will cut down on comparing with other kids: if one kid calls it ” wee wee” and another calls it ”pee,” are they talking about the same thing? Some kids will check to find out. :D I had a nephew who was absolutely convinced that women peed from their VA****, because every time he asked about it, his father, who thought he was se***lly curious, told him boys have pe*** and girls have a va****. Edited April 25, 2012 by Maus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Isn't that a great toy? And it's attached! Wow, God was awesome when he thought of that one. :D Just keep telling them that is for private time, not in the living room, shopping cart, showing your sister... Please, it's *not* his sex drive. It's not. Believing that it is, and shaming him for it will cause more harm than anything he is doing, so just chuckle and tell him no no, that's private. Ah, saw your edit. I would just tell him it's not for talking about to anyone but you and daddy if needed. Be prepared for LONG showers when they get to be teenagers. Edited April 25, 2012 by justamouse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 If he's involving his sister and the neighbor girl, then yes, you need to talk with him. It's probably natural play, but some play is ok and some is not, and you may need to help him discern the difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I wanted to mention that occasionally children will have pre-pubescent puberty. You may want to google it and read a bit. If it sounds similar then there are doctors that can help with the behaviors. Good luck :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[email protected] Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Quick reminder to all that search engines direct less-than-upright types to this sort of discussion, so please continue to use euphemisms. Moderator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoZeeCo's Mom Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Thank you, mod. I debated even posting about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I'm just wondering what he is doing that leads you to believe it has something to do with "sex drive". If he is playing around with his private parts, I wouldn't call that a sex drive thing at this point. All little boys play around (and I'm sure this is true of girls too). I often just told my boys they should do that in private and that it is not something that they should do in front of others. After that "phase" they don't do it anymore (minus the occasional need for what appears to be an adjustment for comfort...I'm assuming/guessing because I'm not a boy). Is it something other than that? A little boy's penis is a magical and always-handy toy. They grow out of the need to play at all times. Is it just playing that's worrying you? Laura Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I didn't think chidren really HAVE a sex drive at 5? My boys are 6 and 9, and they certainly don't have one yet. I mean, they play with themselves sometimes; but that has nothing to do with sex, so far as I know. Wouldn't a 'sex drive' start with puberty? I think you're gonna have to give us more info, unfortunately. Sure they do. It can be somewhat latent, but it is there, and there is lots of individual variation in kids. It just ramps up at puberty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Thank you' date=' mod. I debated even posting about it.[/quote'] Just go back and edit your comments, maybe s##? There is a great series of books about development. The one appropriate from age 4 is called "It's not the stork." It just goes through things in an age appropriate way. It is good for both kids and parents. We are on the second book "It's so Amazing" with out son, and they have an even older kid version. The thing it says over and over again is how there are different ways we all develop and that they are all ok and normal. This series was recommended to me by a mom who gets all the kids for there initial medical exams when they come to the state through police intervention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 If he's involving his sister and the neighbor girl, then yes, you need to talk with him. It's probably natural play, but some play is ok and some is not, and you may need to help him discern the difference. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Isn't that a great toy? And it's attached! Wow, God was awesome when he thought of that one. :D Just keep telling them that is for private time, not in the living room, shopping cart, showing your sister... Please, it's *not* his sex drive. It's not. Believing that it is, and shaming him for it will cause more harm than anything he is doing, so just chuckle and tell him no no, that's private. Ah, saw your edit. I would just tell him it's not for talking about to anyone but you and daddy if needed. Be prepared for LONG showers when they get to be teenagers. :lol::lol::auto: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I'd just make sure he is supervised when with other kids for a while. This will probably pass in a couple months, but there are some curiosities that are better left unsatisfied, lol. Thus, I'd just keep a closer eye on things until the stage has passed and/or the kids are old enough to have better impulse control. In the meantime, I'd reinforce messages (to all the kids) about appropriate boundaries, and I'd simply prohibit physical contact that crossed those boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I guess I used "s## drive" just as a technical term. "self exploration" has been going on for a few years' date=' now, and we've always handled that in a very relaxed way. Just briefly reminded him that it's a private thing that is perfectly natural and needs to be done in the privacy of his own room. He has always acted like it's a normal thing. Over the last month or so, though, he closes his door to do it, and one day I came to tell him goodnight and he yelled at me to get out. Which is fine, I totally respect his right to privacy. What has been bothering me and what makes me think we are going to have to go a little further in depth with him is that he has made some strange comments that have to do with his sister (not tons, just one, but I didn't really hear him, and when I asked him to repeat it, he said something completely different than what I thought I heard) and he has just been kind of getting her into these situations that are questionable. Also, with the neighbor girl.[/quote'] Hm. I have 3 kids, and they range in terms of interest and "s*xual energy". I am totally cool with exploration, and private time. But there are some *possible* red flags in this post. It *might* not be within the range of normal. I can't tell from this post of course, but the content of the interactions would give more info. The fact that there has been at least 2 incidents is also a concern. Is it possible, OP, that he has been exposed to something he shouldn't have been? Porn, soft porn, or possibly been abused? Again.....you might not know me as a poster on these issues. I am NOT an anxious person when it comes to sex, sexuality, and the normal range of sexual energy in kids. But your post had enough content that I felt the need to mention this might transcend "normal." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoZeeCo's Mom Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 I ordered "It's not the Stork" and I do think just giving closer supervision is what I need to do. I will keep up the message of boundaries with all kids, too. Obviously, I am not very well prepared for this. It all came on very suddenly, though I should have probably been planning for it. They are always 12 steps ahead, though, right? I bet it's just a phase, but as he's my oldest it's hard to know what to do -- especially when I'm pretty sensitive about not giving a bad message about s## - and everything else, really. Thanks for all the suggestions. He is a very normal kid, and I think presenting information to him in an age appropriate way will go a long way to clarifying the mysteries he's now facing. Thanks again :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hm. I have 3 kids, and they range in terms of interest and "s*xual energy". I am totally cool with exploration, and private time. But there are some *possible* red flags in this post. It *might* not be within the range of normal. I can't tell from this post of course, but the content of the interactions would give more info. The fact that there has been at least 2 incidents is also a concern. Is it possible, OP, that he has been exposed to something he shouldn't have been? Porn, soft porn, or possibly been abused? Again.....you might not know me as a poster on these issues. I am NOT an anxious person when it comes to sex, sexuality, and the normal range of sexual energy in kids. But your post had enough content that I felt the need to mention this might transcend "normal." I have to say that this crossed my mind too after reading the OPs second post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) BoZeeCo's Mom: I guess I used "s## drive" just as a technical term. "self exploration" has been going on for a few years, now, and we've always handled that in a very relaxed way. Just briefly reminded him that it's a private thing that is perfectly natural and needs to be done in the privacy of his own room. I find this confusing. You told a boy under 5 that he can m&sturbate in his own room? I can't imagine doing that. I just said, "Leave yourself alone." He has always acted like it's a normal thing. Over the last month or so, though, he closes his door to do it, and one day I came to tell him goodnight and he yelled at me to get out. Which is fine, I totally respect his right to privacy. What has been bothering me and what makes me think we are going to have to go a little further in depth with him is that he has made some strange comments that have to do with his sister (not tons, just one, but I didn't really hear him, and when I asked him to repeat it, he said something completely different than what I thought I heard) and he has just been kind of getting her into these situations that are questionable. Also, with the neighbor girl. I think this is all disturbing. A five year old should not be doing this at all, much less regularly in private. They haven't got any sort of sex drive yet, merely an idea that they have this appendage that is fun to play with. I'm hoping he hasn't been abused by someone of which you are unaware. Or that he hasn't been exposed to inappropriate material on tv or magazines or something. Investigation would be in order here. It might be nothing, but a racy commercial that popped on tv - you know how they do that at the worst times - but I'd sure look into it a bit. Edited April 25, 2012 by TranquilMind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hm. I have 3 kids, and they range in terms of interest and "s*xual energy". I am totally cool with exploration, and private time. But there are some *possible* red flags in this post. It *might* not be within the range of normal. I can't tell from this post of course, but the content of the interactions would give more info. The fact that there has been at least 2 incidents is also a concern. Is it possible, OP, that he has been exposed to something he shouldn't have been? Porn, soft porn, or possibly been abused? Again.....you might not know me as a poster on these issues. I am NOT an anxious person when it comes to sex, sexuality, and the normal range of sexual energy in kids. But your post had enough content that I felt the need to mention this might transcend "normal." :iagree: This crossed my mind too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I find this confusing. You told a boy under 5 that he can m&sturbate in his own room? I can't imagine doing that. I just said, "Leave yourself alone." I think this is all disturbing. A five year old should not be doing this at all, much less regularly in private. They haven't got any sort of sex drive yet, merely an idea that they have this appendage that is fun to play with. I'm hoping he hasn't been abused by someone of which you are unaware. Or that he hasn't been exposed to inappropriate material on tv or magazines or something. Investigation would be in order here. It might be nothing, but a racy commercial that popped on tv - you know how they do that at the worst times - but I'd sure look into it a bit. I rarely agree with TM. ;) But I do agree that what we traditionally call m*sturbation is not the same as developmentally expected 5 year old self-exploration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoZeeCo's Mom Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hmmmm. obviously I knew that in posting this, that maybe there would be some suggestion about some exposure to overtly s##ual fill-in-the-blank, but in our case, it's just the way it is. We do not have television, and when they are able to watch something, it is a movie and it is always during family movie night. He has never been out of my sight. I've never even had babysitters, besides my mil and my own mother - I trust both of these people. I am what you would prob call "over protective." He has never participated in any activity that does not allow one parent to be there at all times. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my original post, because I just wondered about resources that I could find and peruse that would maybe help my husband and I explain things to him instead of saying the MUCH more harmful (IMHO) "Leave yourself alone," or something like that. I think that our house works best with an explanation behind the rule or the lesson we are trying to teach our kids. That's just us. Also, what "self exploration" means in our case does not look like some traditional image - I just want to clarify that without going into too much detail - which I have been attempting not to give, as this post was meant to ask people about any resources my husband and I can look at and apply to our specific situation. I WILL say, that this "self-soothing" (which is what our pediatrician called it) behavior has been going on for a long time. It was of course shocking to us, embarrassing, worrying, but we decided as this kids' parents NOT to make a big deal about it. Thanks for all the responses, none the less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) This is going to sound weird, but bear with me. Does he have a candida yeast overgrowth? among other things, does he crave sugar? (including the sugar in juice or fruit, or carbs.) It is very common on the sensory group I'm on for kids behavior to take a 180 degree turn in that type of stimming after being treated for candida. You will need to go to a healthfood store and find one appropraite for a young child, or a homeopath/naturopath. (the few times my little boys explored - which was rare after treatment for candida - it was just as "some things we don't do in public". and that is a lesson many adults could learn.) eta: some other sigsn of candida in a child's history - mucuousy stool, lots of antibiotics, (most yogurt has tons of sugar, so that doesn't negate that), thrush, yeast rash, etc. Edited April 26, 2012 by gardenmom5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 With how vague you're bring, I'm not sure how much help you can get. The self-exploration is totally normal (and the at about doing it in the privacy of your own room is appropriate as well). I'm unclear on just what happened with the females. If he was asking or trying to look at what their privates are like, I'd say that's pretty normal too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[email protected] Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Time to take this topic to PMs. Moderator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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