Talk me down here.

[mazakaal]

I just asked a young couple who is at my house if a couple of people could stay at their house for six weeks. It would be two guys from a group of 19 people who will be travelling here to England from America to do ministry work for the summer. The husband of the couple that I asked serves in the church part time and does odd jobs part time. They've known about this need for quite a while. They have a spare bedroom with two beds. They have no children. They're not newlyweds. The wife works full time so she won't be around the house being bothered by them. The two guys would be out of the house ministering most of the time anyway. I would have them at my house but I already have a family of 6 moving in with us on June 30th, staying indefinitely until they can find a house to rent. In addition, we've had the husband of the couple stay with us at various times in his single days and the couple has eaten dinner at our house virtually every Friday night for the past 3 years. Am I the only one who is supposed to be hospitable? Can no one else open their home? Maybe I'm being completely unreasonable. I know that having two people stay for 6 weeks is quite a commitment because I've done it many times, but I was just shocked that this couple who are so happy to eat at my house and hang out at my house and even (the dh when he was single) live at my house, could so quickly reject the idea that maybe they could play host for a little while.

 

Vent over. Thanks.

[Brindee]

What were their concerns? I'd say yes in a heartbeat! But I am more of a like mind with you on this regard.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

you can't force someone to be hospitable. (I would love to at times!) It's hard to find people who are willing to open their homes. Did they have a legitimate excuse?

 

Some people just aren't the kind of people to do this. That's okay. It takes all kinds. I would try to find somewhere else. Maybe even divide the time between 2 places (not ideal, but, it might have to work out that way). Maybe this couple wouldn't mind having them for 2-3 weeks if they knew that there would be somewhere else they could stay.

 

Another thing to consider is the cost of having 2 more people in your home for 6 weeks. It may appear to you that they can afford it, but, maybe they really can't. It would be hard for us to be able to afford that without some kind of financial help. Electricity, food, water all cost money and when you add more people, it can get to be a burden (we've had people come and stay with us and bring unannounced guests and not offer to pay a dime to help out!)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't be too hard on them. Just see if you can come to some kind of agreement.

 

Blessings!

[mazakaal]

They didn't actually mention any concerns. They literally just said, "No." I retorted with a smile on my face, "Aw, come on, S., how long did you stay with us?" The conversation ended with, "Well, if you can't find anyplace else, then maybe they could stay with us. Have you asked the A.s?" I don't think they have any definite concerns. They just don't want to deal with the inconvenience of it. That's when I walked out of the room and had to post here so that I didn't embarass myself in front of the other 10 people who were sitting in my living room.

 

I had hoped that hitting the send button on the post would make me feel better, but it didn't. While I was posting, they left. After I finished posting, I went itno the other room and noticed that they had done nothing to tidy up from their lunch here. They had bought some lunch and brought it over here to eat. So I spent some time doing dishes. And I stewed some more.

 

I guess I just need to go pray or something. Thanks for letting me vent.

[JudoMom]

They didn't actually mention any concerns. They literally just said, "No." I retorted with a smile on my face, "Aw, come on, S., how long did you stay with us?" The conversation ended with, "Well, if you can't find anyplace else, then maybe they could stay with us. Have you asked the A.s?" I don't think they have any definite concerns. They just don't want to deal with the inconvenience of it. That's when I walked out of the room and had to post here so that I didn't embarass myself in front of the other 10 people who were sitting in my living room.

 

I had hoped that hitting the send button on the post would make me feel better, but it didn't. While I was posting, they left. After I finished posting, I went itno the other room and noticed that they had done nothing to tidy up from their lunch here. They had bought some lunch and brought it over here to eat. So I spent some time doing dishes. And I stewed some more.

 

I guess I just need to go pray or something. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

:grouphug:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:I hope you can work this out!

[Ohio12]

I understand your frustration. I really commend you for your hospitality! I am trying to work on this in my own life. I am very selfish with our time as a family and my own alone time. It sounds like this couple really should do it in this case though. I can't believe they don't feel like they should after what you have done for them!

 

Sometimes I get so upset thinking about what would happen if we all did the right thing in all areas. It sounds like you are a Christian in your post, I am as well. Imagine if all Christians took in one orphan or foster child and tithed to their church. We would have such an impact. It would literally change the world.

 

But we can all only make the right decisions for ourselves. We can't control others and we can't let them make us bitter when they don't do what is right.

[Ashleen]

My husband and I have an absolute "no houseguest" rule. The year we got married, we had my brother stay with us for a week. I was not assertive enough to tell my brother, "No" (as in, "No, you can't also invite your girlfriend to stay with us...No, you can't play rap music so loudly it rattles the walls..."). My husband finally stepped in and said no when they both headed to the bathroom to take a bath at the same time (they were 17). It was awful. I didn't want to say no to my little brother and his behavior was driving my husband crazy. We just don't do houseguests at all now, not even family.

[Parrothead]

I'm one that would have automatically said no. My first and biggest concern wasn't cost or inconvienence, it was safety. I don't trust easily.

[mazakaal]

Honestly, I'm just not going to mention it to them again. The two guys can stay with someone else. I'm sure the Lord will provide willing hosts who will get to have the blessing. I was just upset that they would be so inhospitable when they're so willing to take advantage of other people's hospitality.

[melissel]

I'm sorry, I don't think I would have said yes either. Coming home alone to a house where two strange men are? I wouldn't do it. I have a hard time with people I know and love staying in my house for more than a few days--I definitely wouldn't invite two strangers to do so for six weeks. I'm sorry you're having trouble finding a place to put them up!

[Ohio12]

My husband and I have an absolute "no houseguest" rule. The year we got married, we had my brother stay with us for a week. I was not assertive enough to tell my brother, "No" (as in, "No, you can't also invite your girlfriend to stay with us...No, you can't play rap music so loudly it rattles the walls..."). My husband finally stepped in and said no when they both headed to the bathroom to take a bath at the same time (they were 17). It was awful. I didn't want to say no to my little brother and his behavior was driving my husband crazy. We just don't do houseguests at all now, not even family.

 

 

Does this work out ok with for you? I mean, does family get upset or offended? My family is in and out of here all the time. I wish I could limit it more, but they would be devestated. And, as I said in my other post, I am trying to work on my attitude about it, but it can be a lot of work.

[mazakaal]

Imagine if all Christians took in one orphan or foster child and tithed to their church. We would have such an impact. It would literally change the world.

 

But we can all only make the right decisions for ourselves. We can't control others and we can't let them make us bitter when they don't do what is right.

 

 

You are so right!

[Night Elf]

I would be very uncomfortable with non-family members in my home. And as far as giving, I always thought that one should give freely without any expectation of receiving. I see your concern about the help you've given them, but you should be doing it because you feel led to do it and not expect anything in return. If you aren't comfortable giving to these people any longer than it's up to you to turn them away rather than feel resentful about it. Just MHO.

[Remudamom]

Maybe, just maybe, the wife didn't want to deal with strange men in the house. Perhaps a married couple would have gone over better.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In general, I think it is better to ask those kind of questions when there isn't an audience. And especially when an answer is not expected right away. Something along the lines of "Could you think about this and get back to me?" Sometimes people will have a knee-jerk reaction against something but after discussing it and praying about it, decide that it is something that they would like to do after-all. I know that I often have an especially strong knee-jerk reaction against doing something if everyone is looking at me and waiting for an instant decision! (Even if I really could suggest the thinking about it option myself- I'm learning to do that!)

[DIY-DY]

I honestly don't think it was fair of you to ask in front of other people, or to try to cajole them into accepting this request right then and there. I don't think it was gracious to leave the room right after, and considering they left during your absence, it doesn't sound like they felt so, either.

 

It's obvious you feel very strongly about this ministry, and I commend you on that. However, not everybody is going to share your concerns, and hospitality offered by arm-twisting isn't really hospitality. I think any reason they have that causes them to say "no" is valid. It's their home, and they know their boundaries. If you have issues with the hospitality you've offered to them, and feel they "owe" you for what you've given, then perhaps it's time to rethink your own boundaries. But certainly, please do not hold them in the red on what they should do for you now, kwim?

 

FWIW, DH and I have an open door policy. We've had people live with us, family comes to stay with us, and friends are welcome anytime, no call necessary (unless you want to be fed well - I'll feed ya, regardless, but a heads-up would ensure a more enjoyable, plentiful table *grin*) That's us. That's our home. There is no way we expect others to have the same policies or guidelines. I would never expect our friend who stayed with us for three months last year to somehow owe us for that time in the shape of favors we may ask in the future. I'd be pretty torqued if someone did that to me, too. To be honest, I wouldn't say yes, to it, either. I have four points off the top of my head that would cause me to say no, but if I felt pressured, or felt that each of my personal, valid concerns would be met with p'shaw, or argument, then I wouldn't express them, either.

 

One of my dearest, closest, most wonderful friends in the world is soooo not the open-door kind of person. She needs a good week's worth of warning, and while she has taken people in to stay with them in the past, I can't imagine her saying yes to a request like this. She'd have at least ten issues with the set-up, just from what you described, ranging from safety to propriety, but I can guarantee she wouldn't feel comfortable expressing any of them to someone else. If pressed, she would feel awkward, trapped, and humiliated. After she left, it would work itself up to good old-fashioned anger that a friend would make her feel that way.

 

Now, I know you said that you weren't going to bring it up to them again, but it also seems that you're frustrated and a bit angry with them in general. So, I am posting to help show that there's another side to the coin, and also to encourage you to take whatever steps you need to take to remain gracious and loving without putting yourself in a position that leaves you feeling resentful or bitter. {{hugs}}

 

Dy

[mazakaal]

For those of you who said that I probably shouldn't have asked in front of other people, you're right. That was me being impetuous and unthinking.

 

As far as some of the other responses, I think what shocked me most was that these people are so willing to accept others' hospitality and so quick to reject the opportunity to do the same. If they had expressed any specific concerns, it would have been one thing, but they just literally said an immediate, "No."

 

I wish I had time to address all your responses but I've got to get ready for a trip. Suffice it to say that there's a lot more history to the situation than I posted here. There is a long history of them taking and not giving back. In fact, when I told dh about it, he just shook his head. And the Friday night meal thing is a church fellowship dinner that they come to in my home. I can't very well tell them they can't come.

 

Anyway, I've got to go. Thanks again.

 

Blessings.

 

Megan

[Night Elf]

I wish I had time to address all your responses but I've got to get ready for a trip. Suffice it to say that there's a lot more history to the situation than I posted here. There is a long history of them taking and not giving back. In fact, when I told dh about it, he just shook his head. And the Friday night meal thing is a church fellowship dinner that they come to in my home. I can't very well tell them they can't come.

 

Well (still being gentle here), this is one of the very reasons I have a problem with Christianity. What is taught is not practiced. I want so much to be a part of a religion but I got so beaten down by seeing this kind of expectation and interaction happen within my church community. It's not about helping others or giving. I'm sure some of you might think I'm way off base here but I just think the Christian thing to do is continue offering assistance when you feel led to after praying and any anger or frustration you have should be offered up to the Lord in prayer. Perhaps I have unreasonable expectations in religion. Guess that's why I'm such a lost soul.

[Twinmom]

Beth, I'm so sorry that you've had this kind of experience with Christians. You are precisely on target when you say we often don't practice what we preach. I realize that this is a bit off topic here, but I'm hurting for you...but may I say something on the subject?

 

I just wanted to encourage you to recognize the difference between Christians (or organized religion, Christianity, whatever you want to call it) and a relationship with God itself. Big difference there, IMO. Christians are sinful, flawed human beings who need the Lord just like everyone else and who, as flawed human beings, screw up all the time! We don't always "practice what we preach" or love others the way we should, and it grieves God just as it grieves Him when people outright reject Him. We ought to do better, really. Don't hold us up as an example of what God is like...though we OUGHT to be a good reflection of Him, our sinfulness often keeps us from doing so.

 

The only real difference between Christians and the rest of the world is that we are forgiven and saved through our faith in Jesus' sacrifice for our sins...plain and simple, that's all it's about. We have a relationship with the God of the universe that stems out of our sins being forgiven BY HIM (not by our own "goodness"), so that we might have the relationship with Him that we are supposed to have. All the "churchianity," religious trappings, and other nonsense mean nothing to God unless that relationship is there.

 

If I have any advice, it would be to look for that relationship with God through the Scriptures (start in the Gospels, IMO!) instead of looking at Christians to find God. We'll fail you everytime, I am very sorry to say. God, however, NEVER will! Give up on Christians if you must, but never give up on God.

 

OK, going off to mind my own business now. :grouphug: to you!

[bkpan]

For those of you who said that I probably shouldn't have asked in front of other people, you're right. That was me being impetuous and unthinking.

 

As far as some of the other responses, I think what shocked me most was that these people are so willing to accept others' hospitality and so quick to reject the opportunity to do the same. If they had expressed any specific concerns, it would have been one thing, but they just literally said an immediate, "No."

 

I wish I had time to address all your responses but I've got to get ready for a trip. Suffice it to say that there's a lot more history to the situation than I posted here. There is a long history of them taking and not giving back. In fact, when I told dh about it, he just shook his head. And the Friday night meal thing is a church fellowship dinner that they come to in my home. I can't very well tell them they can't come.

 

Anyway, I've got to go. Thanks again.

 

Blessings.

 

Megan

 

We are all members of one body, but we don't all have the same functions (to paraphrase St. Paul). Your sacrifices are a wonderful testimony to His "welcome" to all of us. But perhaps you are ministering in a way in which you feel comfortable and are called.

 

The goal is for all of us to be hospitable, but we're not all at the same place. And, gently, they may have gifts that serve the body that you fall short in. I know that I need to grow in SO many areas of love and charity.

 

A possible example? Let's say that this couple has a love in their heart for the elderly and then spend every weekend at the nursing home for hours on end with someone who is lonely. Maybe there are some that could assist them in that ministry if they were unable for some reason? But, maybe it would be hard for them to find others to serve in this way. I know that there are at least some that would have very little heart to do this. Obviously I do not know anything about this couple's lives, but I'm sure that there is much that you do not know as well.

 

I'm sorry, but if you had asked me for that level of service in front of a group of people, I would have been offended. Even if we could have done it, it would have been difficult to serve freely and joyfully after being pushed. You know, just a thought I had, but perhaps you are REALLY good at hospitality. In fact, maybe you are a little intimidating to those that find that kind of service overwhelming and are insecure about it.

 

It sounds like you are a wonderful example to your friends. Keep it up (without resentment), pray for them, and who knows what they will grow into. Give without expectation. That is what eventually motivates others to give! HTH

 

Kim

[3lilreds in NC]

Well (still being gentle here), this is one of the very reasons I have a problem with Christianity. What is taught is not practiced. I want so much to be a part of a religion but I got so beaten down by seeing this kind of expectation and interaction happen within my church community. It's not about helping others or giving. I'm sure some of you might think I'm way off base here but I just think the Christian thing to do is continue offering assistance when you feel led to after praying and any anger or frustration you have should be offered up to the Lord in prayer. Perhaps I have unreasonable expectations in religion. Guess that's why I'm such a lost soul.

 

Beth, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm a Christian and I've still had this experience with other Christians, and I'm sure I've passed along the same bad impression to others. Hopefully it's not all the time.

 

I wanted to echo what twinmom said - a relationship with God is not the same thing as the Christian religion. Lots of people go to church. Not so many actually get the point.

 

Also, I have been in Megan's situation of being passionate about helping someone and then having others not see it the same way, not be willing to help where I thought help was obviously desperately needed. I will say that after I calmed down and reviewed the situation, my friends were right. The people I wanted to help had shown that they were dishonest and taking advantage of me - I just couldn't see it. And, their life situation was such that they felt that had to do that to get what they needed. Very sad. Back to the point, though, it broke my heart when my friends wouldn't help them.

 

Megan's been transparent about the way she feels about these friends; she's not perfect, and neither are they. We don't know all the history there. I don't think she minds offering them hospitality. I think she saw an opportunity that seemed perfect for them to help with a ministry she's passionate about, and when they refused, and she was hurt, it magnified this issue with these friends. That happens to me with friends when I get my feelings hurt - I love them, flaws and all, but when something happens, a flaw that I can normally overlook stares me in the face. That is MY problem; my selfishness coming to the forefront. And then I pray about it, calm down and can assess things more reasonably. I hope.

 

Being a Christian doesn't mean you can always keep your negative feelings under control. That's an ongoing process of learning. You're right, though, that we need to serve as we feel led, and anger and frustration should be offered up to the Lord. Sometimes it helps to talk to other people though.

 

(((Beth))), I'm sorry that you've been hurt in the name of Christ. He wouldn't want it that way. It happens so often - people who claim to follow him (and many who really do!) make mistakes in front of others and it gives God a bad name. I would like to reiterate what twinmom said - that wasn't God. Just His imperfect followers, messing up, again. If you look at Him, you will see how much He loves you. Any person is going to disappoint you eventually because we can't help it.

[5kidsforME]

I just asked a young couple who is at my house if a couple of people could stay at their house for six weeks. It would be two guys from a group of 19 people who will be travelling here to England from America to do ministry work for the summer. The husband of the couple that I asked serves in the church part time and does odd jobs part time. They've known about this need for quite a while. They have a spare bedroom with two beds. They have no children. They're not newlyweds. The wife works full time so she won't be around the house being bothered by them. The two guys would be out of the house ministering most of the time anyway. I would have them at my house but I already have a family of 6 moving in with us on June 30th, staying indefinitely until they can find a house to rent. In addition, we've had the husband of the couple stay with us at various times in his single days and the couple has eaten dinner at our house virtually every Friday night for the past 3 years. Am I the only one who is supposed to be hospitable? Can no one else open their home? Maybe I'm being completely unreasonable. I know that having two people stay for 6 weeks is quite a commitment because I've done it many times, but I was just shocked that this couple who are so happy to eat at my house and hang out at my house and even (the dh when he was single) live at my house, could so quickly reject the idea that maybe they could play host for a little while.

 

Vent over. Thanks.

 

I personally would say no too, and dh said he agrees. What if she was home when just the guy (s) where there? A lot of people would not be comfortable with that, myself included.

 

Not to be mean but I think it is not right for you to push for these people to have these men in their home. It is for them to decide if they are comfortable with it and to prayerfully consider it.

 

Also, something to think about, maybe their is a specific reason for them to automatically say no. maybe something happened in their marriage that would make this a situation where this is defiantely a No for them. Not saying there is, just saying we don't know their reasons and may never know them.

 

I am not trying to be snarky, and hope this has not come across this way. :001_smile:

[5kidsforME]

I was just upset that they would be so inhospitable when they're so willing to take advantage of other people's hospitality.

 

 

How can they be taking advantage of somethign that people are offering willingly?

 

Believe me I have know people that were always going to peoples houses and not having people over. I just chalk it up to it not being their gift. We tend to go to others friends houses and not have poeple here as much. I am in the process of trying to change that but I sure hope my friends aren't thinking we are taking advantage. I always bring stuff.

[5kidsforME]

And the Friday night meal thing is a church fellowship dinner that they come to in my home. I can't very well tell them they can't come.

 

Anyway, I've got to go. Thanks again.

 

Blessings.

 

Megan

 

This statement is confusing to me. How is this couple taking advantage and yet the other people/couples that come are not? That is what a group fellowship is about meeting together in someones home. Why are they taking advantage? Again not trying to be snarky just wondering.

:)

[5kidsforME]

Well (still being gentle here), this is one of the very reasons I have a problem with Christianity. What is taught is not practiced. I want so much to be a part of a religion but I got so beaten down by seeing this kind of expectation and interaction happen within my church community. It's not about helping others or giving. I'm sure some of you might think I'm way off base here but I just think the Christian thing to do is continue offering assistance when you feel led to after praying and any anger or frustration you have should be offered up to the Lord in prayer. Perhaps I have unreasonable expectations in religion. Guess that's why I'm such a lost soul.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable at all. I think as christians we should always be willing to extend grace. It is tough! But it should be done. In the OP's defense I can understand if this has been an ongoing thing and htis is just the time that to the point where she was really frustrated and just had to vent.

[5kidsforME]

Beth, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm a Christian and I've still had this experience with other Christians, and I'm sure I've passed along the same bad impression to others. Hopefully it's not all the time.

 

I wanted to echo what twinmom said - a relationship with God is not the same thing as the Christian religion. Lots of people go to church. Not so many actually get the point.

 

Also, I have been in Megan's situation of being passionate about helping someone and then having others not see it the same way, not be willing to help where I thought help was obviously desperately needed. I will say that after I calmed down and reviewed the situation, my friends were right. The people I wanted to help had shown that they were dishonest and taking advantage of me - I just couldn't see it. And, their life situation was such that they felt that had to do that to get what they needed. Very sad. Back to the point, though, it broke my heart when my friends wouldn't help them.

 

Megan's been transparent about the way she feels about these friends; she's not perfect, and neither are they. We don't know all the history there. I don't think she minds offering them hospitality. I think she saw an opportunity that seemed perfect for them to help with a ministry she's passionate about, and when they refused, and she was hurt, it magnified this issue with these friends. That happens to me with friends when I get my feelings hurt - I love them, flaws and all, but when something happens, a flaw that I can normally overlook stares me in the face. That is MY problem; my selfishness coming to the forefront. And then I pray about it, calm down and can assess things more reasonably. I hope.

 

Being a Christian doesn't mean you can always keep your negative feelings under control. That's an ongoing process of learning. You're right, though, that we need to serve as we feel led, and anger and frustration should be offered up to the Lord. Sometimes it helps to talk to other people though.

 

(((Beth))), I'm sorry that you've been hurt in the name of Christ. He wouldn't want it that way. It happens so often - people who claim to follow him (and many who really do!) make mistakes in front of others and it gives God a bad name. I would like to reiterate what twinmom said - that wasn't God. Just His imperfect followers, messing up, again. If you look at Him, you will see how much He loves you. Any person is going to disappoint you eventually because we can't help it.

 

Well, darn it, I wish I would have just read this and then did this :iagree:

[Night Elf]

The only real difference between Christians and the rest of the world is that we are forgiven and saved through our faith in Jesus' sacrifice for our sins...plain and simple, that's all it's about. We have a relationship with the God of the universe that stems out of our sins being forgiven BY HIM (not by our own "goodness"), so that we might have the relationship with Him that we are supposed to have. All the "churchianity," religious trappings, and other nonsense mean nothing to God unless that relationship is there.

 

What a lovely post. Thank you. I hate that I can't find that peace within myself and my relationship with God. But I love how you explain it. :)

[Erica in PA]

Hi Megan!

I think their response is surprising to you because you are unusually gracious and hospitable. It sounds as though the Lord has truly gifted you in that area, and that along with your own personality, has enabled you to open yourself and your home up to others in a way that is not the norm. I don't think it's wrong or uncaring to not being willing to house someone for that length of time (I don't think I would do it myself), it probably just seems that way to you because that is one of your strengths. I just would not have any desire at all to have a stranger living in my home for 6 weeks-- or anyone living in my home for six weeks, really. If I had a close family member who needed to stay with us for that length of time, I would do it, but it would be a struggle for me personally even then. That's not an area where I am gifted.

 

We all have our own areas of giftedness. Personally, it seems as though the Lord has gifted me in the areas of leadership and teaching. So for me, swooping in and taking charge over a VBS or Kids Choir, and leading/teaching in those ministries, that comes easily to me. I could easily look at others and say, "What's the big deal? Just design your own ministry plan for XYZ and get to work leading it! It's easy. Everyone should be willing to do that!" But of course not every Christian is geared that way. I think it's the same with your situation.

 

So, hopefully you learn from this situation and move on. Next time, maybe get a feel for the people you are asking, and see if they seem likely to want to do something like this. And when you do ask, ask knowing that saying no is an okay response. I can see where this situation would be embarrassing and awkward for both of you, but please don't allow it to change the way you view these people. It doesn't mean they don't very much appreciate all you've done for them.

 

Erica

[Mallorie]

They said no for a reason. A few things would have really hurt. One, being asked in front of a group. Two, being asked with the threat that if I didn't do what was asked, I was going to be called a selfish taker. You looked at their lives from the outside, evaluated the situation and decided what they were able to do and therefore should do. When they didn't give the answer you wanted, you walked out on them. That's bullying, and it's unacceptable.

 

I don't feel they owe you an explanation. Not wanting to is good enough reason. It's their home, their lives, their comfort zone. I would also have said no.

 

You are a hospitable person, a giving person, and I applaud that. I totally echo the others who have said that that is your gift. We don't know what the other couple has as a gift. Maybe they just don't have one that is fully developed yet.. Maybe they will watch people like you and learn a few things. It doesn't come easily for all of us. I have had people say that I'm an outgoing person, talkative and friendly. What people don't see is that i'm tied up in knots on the inside. I have an anxiety disorder and my home is my refuge. I tend to frequent places where i'm comfortable. It's like a mental exercise...prep for when I have to go somewhere out of my zone, around people I don't know. Having someone react to me the way you did to them would have been a huge setback.

 

Sometimes, there's just more to it than you can see from the outside.

[ChristusG]

I'm another one who would have said no.

 

For one, I dont trust people that I dont know. Proclaimed Christians or not....people today cannot be trusted. There are too many bad things that go on. And what if the woman was ever alone in the house with the men? That would be very uncomfortable.

 

Also, I'm a very shy person. I wouldnt want people that I do not know staying in my house. I would feel out of place in my own house.

 

The person who mentioned that all members of the church have a different function was right. We all have our own gifts given to us by God. Some of us are more hospitable than others....willing to open their houses and their lives. Others are useful in other ways.

[Kathy in MD]

.......... so that I didn't embarass myself in front of the other 10 people who were sitting in my living room........

 

 

Many people commented gracefully on the problem of asking the couple in front of others. My original post was much harsher than theirs.

 

But why did you pick on them? Why didn't you ask the group as a whole if they knew of someone who could help out? You would have spread a much larger net to find someone who could help, and everyone would have felt they were helping in a small way even if they personally couldn't house the 2 men.

 

I'm not surprised the couple left while you were out of the room. I think you owe them an apology for putting them on the spot and then pushing it.

[Sahamamama]

I personally would say no too, and dh said he agrees. What if she was home when just the guy (s) where there? A lot of people would not be comfortable with that, myself included.

 

Not to be mean but I think it is not right for you to push for these people to have these men in their home. It is for them to decide if they are comfortable with it and to prayerfully consider it.

 

Also, something to think about, maybe their is a specific reason for them to automatically say no. maybe something happened in their marriage that would make this a situation where this is defiantely a No for them.:001_smile:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[mazakaal]

I missed all the follow-up posts after my final response to the 'Talk me down' thread because I was out of town, and then I was crazy busy the last few days. I just wanted to respond to some of the posts and explain things a little bit, but it would take a whole book to explain everything, so I won't do that.

 

First, I have already admitted that it was bad form for me to ask them in front of others, so 'nuff said on that.

 

Second, there is a long history of these people, mostly the dh, coming in my house, and expecting to be fed aside from the Friday night dinners. I mean a long..... history. He'll show up for prayer night and say that he didn't eat dinner and needs to eat because of his blood sugar. He has no diagnosed medical issue. And this was a Sunday night, so he hadn't just come from work or something. He'd played all afternoon and hadn't gotten around to eating and then came to my house expecting me to feed him. And this is just one in a long line of similar incidences.

 

Third, I didn't ask anyone else in the room because they were all out of town visitors.

 

Fourth, his housing, car insurance and lots of other things are paid by the church. This doesn't mean that he has to host people. I just point this out because money wouldn't have been an issue. The church would have helped toward expenses.

 

Fifth, they never said, "We don't feel comfortable with two guys, but we can host one of the married couples."

 

Sixth, it's not easy for me to host all thses people. It actually completely goes against my personality. I'm a very quiet, private person who loves alone time. They are not at all shy or private people. They often have weekend guests and other people for meals.

 

That's all I can think of for now. I've got to go now because all twelve of the people that flew in last week are staying with us. They've been here since Thursday and they're staying until Monday when they will move into a church hall where there are no showers. On Monday the family of six will move in with us.

 

Anyway, I admit that I shouldn't have asked them in front of others, and they had every right to say 'no'. When I posted I was upset because I've seen them take advantage of many people's hospitality, not just mine. The only reason that they have a roof over their head right now is because a family in the church allowed them to live in the apartment in the basement of their home and told them that they could just pay in rent whatever they could afford.

 

Sorry, I just had to get that all off my chest so that you don't all think I'm a complete jerk. I was wrong. I admit it. But as you can hopefully see from the above, there was a lot more to the situation than I originally posted.

 

Blessings,

Megan

[kalanamak]

That's all I can think of for now. I've got to go now because all twelve of the people that flew in last week are staying with us. They've been here since Thursday and they're staying until Monday when they will move into a church hall where there are no showers. On Monday the family of six will move in with us.

 

I think right about now I'd be faking a nervous breakdown so everyone would leave me the heck alone. Throw some spaghetti, put lipstick on your eyelids and liner on your lips and kiss the light switches. Play Stand By Your Man way too loud and disrobe during breakfast. Buy a Hog (motorcycle), park it in your living room, spend all night starting it. Anything.....

[mazakaal]

I think right about now I'd be faking a nervous breakdown so everyone would leave me the heck alone. Throw some spaghetti, put lipstick on your eyelids and liner on your lips and kiss the light switches. Play Stand By Your Man way too loud and disrobe during breakfast. Buy a Hog (motorcycle), park it in your living room, spend all night starting it. Anything.....

 

 

:001_smile: Thanks for making me smile. :001_smile:

[mazakaal]

By the way, you all don't have to feel sorry for me for having all these folks staying with us. Though it is a huge stretch, they are wonderful people - very easy going, not at all demanding, very helpful. In fact, they cleaned my house yesterday while I was homeschooling my kids.

 

So, aside from the fact that it's been really hard to get into my bedroom because the only shower in the house is in there (I mean in the actual bedroom, not in a bathroom that is off my bedroom), and because when they're not showering, some who are really suffering from jet lag have been napping in there, they've been an absolute pleasure to have.:001_smile:

[TammyinTN]

:grouphug: You sound like such a wonderful person to me! Hang in there...no words of advice ...just chocolate and hugs!:D

[mazakaal]

:001_smile: Thanks! Chocolate and hugs are always welcome. :001_smile:

[JudoMom]

:grouphug: :001_smile:. You don't sound like a complete (or even partial) jerk at all! People can be trying, and it sounds like you handle them with grace and love. I hope you're able to get a minute of solitude to recharge in between guests!

[Night Elf]

I'm sorry you felt the need to defend yourself. Your further explanation does indeed shine a new light on that family. Is there no one you can appeal to? You are indeed a gracious hostess and I most certainly do not think you a jerk! :grouphug:

[Erica in PA]

Megan,

:grouphug: I don't think you're a jerk. My only concern is, is it possible that you may be doing a bit too much? Hosting all of these people, offering meals, etc.-- do you feel called by God to do that? Are you being empowered and blessed by Him as you do it? If so, you will feel energized and refreshed as you serve, even if the work itself is draining. You won't feel the need to keep track of what you've given or who is taking, because it will have been the Lord who's been giving through you. If you are taking on these tasks just because you feel you should, that will lead to frustration, exhaustion, and resentment. If you are feeling that way, it may be time to cut back a bit.

 

I apologize if I'm being too personal here. It's just that the thoughts you shared are of a personal nature, and to me they sound like a person who may be trying to do too much. Of course I may be mistaken, because of the limits of internet discourse. I'm only throwing this out in the hopes that it will be of some help to you.

 

 

Erica

[bkpan]

I think right about now I'd be faking a nervous breakdown so everyone would leave me the heck alone. Throw some spaghetti, put lipstick on your eyelids and liner on your lips and kiss the light switches. Play Stand By Your Man way too loud and disrobe during breakfast. Buy a Hog (motorcycle), park it in your living room, spend all night starting it. Anything.....

 

(I think that I will file this idea away for future need,:lol:)

 

Megan, I do understand your frustration more now. I think that I might need to have a private chat with said couple if it were me. Perhaps they don't know how they come across?

 

Thank you for all that you do to serve Him.

 

Kim

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Megan

 

I feel bad that you felt like you had to defend yourself. It was clear to me that you were having a rough time trying to figure all of this out! Who wouldn't? Hang in there. And thank you for your hospitality to others. It will come back to you and your family some day. Remember, "You reap what you sow.":D

[mazakaal]

Thanks, all. I feel a lot better now.

 

Erica, honestly there are a lot of times where I do too much, not because I feel obligated so much as because dh drags me into it. He says we have the gift of hospitality. I say that he has the gift of inviting. I don't want this to turn into a husband bashing post, but in all reality, he asks me to do too much. I've talked to him numerous times and it is slowly getting better, but only in very small increments. It's an area of our marriage that needs work, but other than addressing it and praying about it, there's not much I can do.

 

In this case, however, I really do feel like God has empowered me to do this. In advance I was looking feverishly for housing for this group because I didn't want to have to house them all myself. After the horrible conversation with that couple, I just came to the conclusion that I needed to be prepared to have them here at the house, and a tremendous peace came over me. I've been very peaceful about it since then, and I've been so filled with patience and grace since they've been here (very out of character for me - I'm usually really stressed by lots of guests), that I know that it can only be from God.

 

I appreciate everyone's encouragement. I'm glad that I was able to clear the air here.

 

Blessings,

Megan

[Remudamom]

Sort of off the subject, but I think the next time Mr. Low Blood Sugar came into my house wanting food I'd have something especially disgusting ready for him. Maybe throw a can of sardines at him. Or toss him a jar of baby food, tell him you heard somewhere that it's the perfect quick fix.

 

What nerve he has. Really, sounds like he is a jerk himself.

[mazakaal]

Maybe throw a can of sardines at him. Or toss him a jar of baby food, tell him you heard somewhere that it's the perfect quick fix.

 

 

I like this idea! I may try it. I wish I had an 'evil grin' smilie to insert here.

[A.J. at J.A.]

 

As far as some of the other responses, I think what shocked me most was that these people are so willing to accept others' hospitality and so quick to reject the opportunity to do the same. If they had expressed any specific concerns, it would have been one thing, but they just literally said an immediate, "No."

 

 

I would have said a "no". Certainly for a 6 week commitment. There is just NO way we could do it. I am not comfortable having people over my house, it makes me a nervous wreck. Does that mean I should never go over anyone else's house when they invite me? That doesn't quite seem right either. Just because we aren't confident, extroverted enough to have people over our house shouldn't mean we have to live as hermits.

 

You have no ideas about how this couple may support missions in other areas that are in there comfort zone, financially, prayerfully, etc...it is unfair for you to assume they will be able to (and even be required to) serve as you choose to.

 

I hope none of this comes off as harsh, but I think you really need to see it from their point of view as well.

 

ETA:::I just now saw your update and see how they can be viewed as "taking advantage". I can understand your frustration and am happy that you are finding a peace with your decision to take on this ministry.

 

Angela

[Laurie4b]

If you want to be "talked down", then I'd focus on different people having different gifts. Yours is clearly hospitality. Not everyone else will be gifted the same way. I'm guessing that you enjoy showing hospitality despite the work, and get pleasure from it. Others might view the same thing with anxiety. Think through other spiritual gifts: aren't there any other scenarios that you could imagine saying no to? The 6th grade boys need a teacher for a year (it's just once a week!), the book-keeper needs someone to do data entry and manipulation in excel, VBS needs a director, the youth group needs volunteers to play silly games with middle-schoolers at youth group, someone needs to teach "Biblical Conflict Management" to the adult class, etc. Somewhere in the church will be something that would be a really bad fit for you. You aren't a bad person if you really prefer not to do it. Thank God for how you bless the body of Christ through the exercise of YOUR gift!

[A.J. at J.A.]

Sort of off the subject, but I think the next time Mr. Low Blood Sugar came into my house wanting food I'd have something especially disgusting ready for him. Maybe throw a can of sardines at him. Or toss him a jar of baby food, tell him you heard somewhere that it's the perfect quick fix.

 

What nerve he has. Really, sounds like he is a jerk himself.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: