What should my last name be??

[BMW]

Hi, I am wondering what to do about my last name...

 

It was, let's say, Smith (privacy), for over 12 years, along with all my "Smith" children... then the divorce... now I remarrying and will have a new dh and 4 new sons with the last name "Jones".

 

My original 5+ children want me to always be Smith, like them. But I want to honor my new family, too.

 

But, I wonder about the long run... my birthed children will grow up and lead their lives and some will be Smith and some wont. My new family will be happy to have me a Jones, like them... What about me? If I am a Smith-Jones, will I be glad to have made that choice years from now? I feel attached to my children, of course, but not their father (the x).

 

So, it looks like I can be:

Bee Smith and not change anything, married to Mr. Jones

Bee Jones, taking new dh name, joining the new family

Bee Smith-Jones, keeping that name for the rest of my life...

 

What would your decision be?

 

Bee

[nancypants]

I'd say option 3 because I can see how your children might feel.

[mamato4]

That seems to be your only choice that will satisfy most.

[Tammy]

Would want my last name to be the same as my children's....and I wouldn't want to have to do all the 'changes' it would take to make it different.....but that just shows how lazy I am...:)

 

Tammy

[Jacquelyn in NC]

As a 4th option, you could take Smith as a second middle name. You could be Bee Mary Smith Jones. That way, you would be honoring your new family, you wouldn't need to use Smith all the time (and could phase it out completely when your children are gone) but your children would know that you are still honoring THEIR family.

 

Just a thought.

 

Jacquelyn in NC

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it would really depend upon how I felt about my ex-husband.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I'd choose option #4. Go back to my maiden name. But that is just me.

[KIN]

My name is Kathy Jo "Smith Jones". I kept my maiden name, but didn't hypen my maiden name & dh's, just added his at the end of mine. I say do that. Just keep "Smith" and add "Jones" having two middle names.

[Mesa]

I vote 3

[summer]

I left my name as my maiden name but do not get offended if people call me by my married name. There is nothing that says that it has to be an all or never sort of thing. You can stay Smith now and when the children are grown, switch over then.

 

Thing is, you are stuck in a middle place where it is not about honoring your "new" family versus your "old" family. Your children will never ever be your "old" family. ALL of them together is your "new" family and a large portion of them have the Smith name and they want their mom to have their name. This makes sense.

[HollyDay]

I'd take the Smith as a second middle name. Making Smith part of Jones could be bothersome to Mr. Jones. You are now HIS wife not Mr Smith's. So, I agree with previous poster:

 

Sue Mary-Smith Jones

[*anj*]

At first I was going to vote for Option #3, but then I started thinking that Mr. Jones might not like it for you to still be using Mr. Smith's name. On the other hand, he knows he's marrying a woman who was married before, so sometimes things work out that way.

 

I think I might be more likely to use Smith as a middle name. That way you can drop the Smith whenever you think it's okay to do so. You know what I mean? Your kids may be feeling kind of traumatized right now because of the remarriage and will feel secure knowing that you still share their name. But as they grow and mature (and become more comfortable with the new marriage) you will probably be able to just casually use Smith less and less.

[HSMom2One]

and I chose to let go of my former married name. My children have never resented it in the least. In fact, I realized that whatever I chose I would have the name for the rest of my life so I knew I wouldn't always feel such a strong need to have the same last name as my children. They would be moving out of the house before too long, but dh would be with me till death do us part. No matter what my name is, my kids and I know who we are, and that is what matters the most.

 

Another thing I did when I remarried was take back my maiden name and use it as a middle name. I did this legally, so my full name is now Lucinda (Maiden Name) (Married Name). The moment I did it I knew it was the right thing. I preferred having a connection to my family of origin again. It feels so natural. I will never change my name again...EVER!

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[phathui5]

#3

[Mrs Mungo]

I've been thinking about this and to be perfectly honest, I really don't think *I* would be comfortable beginning a new marriage while still tied to my previous husband by name. I think the kids would get over it. But, that's just me, not saying what anyone *should* do.

[K&Rs Mom]

I vote Bee Jones. :)

 

My mom kept her first married name after getting divorced, because it was easier to deal with school & stuff having the same name as the kids. Then when she got remarried, she took stepdad's name. As the child involved, I would've thought it was wierd any other way, and never took it personally that her name was different than mine. My stepmom did the same, so her name was the same as mine (my dad's name), but I didn't take that personally either.

[Mandamom]

I vote Bee Jones. :)

 

My mom kept her first married name after getting divorced, because it was easier to deal with school & stuff having the same name as the kids. Then when she got remarried, she took stepdad's name. As the child involved, I would've thought it was wierd any other way, and never took it personally that her name was different than mine. >>>

 

 

My boys' biomom did the same thing. For a while there were two Mrs. L's and when she remarried she asked the boys what there opinion was and they decided it was right for biomom to take her new husband's name. I think they were around 7 and 10 when she remarried. So, at my house we are all L's and at biomom's house they are L's and C's.

[Mom to Aly]

I went through this when I got married because I hated my married name, and didn't want to give up my maiden name--if you are Bee Smith-Jones, you can use Bee Smith, Bee Jones, or Bee Smith-Jones legally, without a prob. Then, if you wanted to eventually switch over to Bee Jones, you could. But, while your kids are young, I think Bee Smith-Jones would be easier for legal reasons (guardianship, consider being at a hospital or doctor with a diff name), and for their own identity concerns, as they merge with a new fam.

[Diana in OR]

Someone I knew once did it this way:

 

"Bee S.-Jones "

 

I know it's different; I just thought I'd throw it into the mix.

[Momof2kids]

I would take the new husbands name. How would he feel about you keeping your ex husbands name when you're married to him now. I understand about your kids, but I would try to make them understand as best I could and just take new dh's last name.

 

My dh didn't even like me hypenating my maiden name and my last name but he tolerated it. Hyphenating your last name is a PAIN! I did it for many years. I tried it with the hyphen and without. And both my maiden name and married name are easy to say and easy to spell names. Still people were all confused. Whenever I was giving my name it was pain. People didn't know how to alphabatize it or enter it into their computer. All my mail had some different variation on my name. My SIL hypenates her name and she agrees it's a MAJOR pain!! She's still hanging on to her 2 last names. I let my maiden name go finally. It was just too much of a nuisance.

[Claire in NM]

I would have to consider my new hubby's feelings regarding this. If he is really not adverse to having you keep your ex-husband's last name, then maybe Smith-Jones...But it still identifies you as being indebted to your ex-husband. Because you have moved past that relationship, you should also move past the ex-husband's last name.

 

I think your kids would be understanding of not keeping Smith as a last name. And if not, I think that they will eventually understand. Maybe you could change your children's name to Bee-Smith. This will explain their connection to you.

 

Yes, this does sound complicated, but there is a way to work through this.

 

Claire in NM

[klmama]

The kids need to understand that your plan for this marriage is to stay in it forever, even though that didn't work out with their dad. Keeping the old last name kind of seems like you aren't sure about the marriage.

[Unicorn.]

Personally I would do whatever felt right for "me". I regret not keeping my maiden name, even though I do use it as my middle name now (didn't have a middle name before). Nothing against dh or anything, I just wish I'd kept it.

 

I don't think you should consider anyone's feelings but your own. You're the one who has to live with it forever, so it should be your choice. I understand wanting to honor your children, your new dh, etc., but ultimately the choice is yours. Good luck w/ your decision, and Congrats!

[summer]

I hate to say this, but as I read the replies from people who went through this as children and did not have a problem, I have to wonder why your children are having issues? Is it possible they think the marriage won't last? Do they not like the new husband or new stepsiblings? Is your ex still single and they are worried about him? Maybe I am off on this, but is it possible something is going on here with all of this?

[Kate CA]

I've been thinking about this and to be perfectly honest, I really don't think *I* would be comfortable beginning a new marriage while still tied to my previous husband by name. I think the kids would get over it. But, that's just me, not saying what anyone *should* do.

 

Yeah. I kind of feel the same. I grew up with this situation. My mother remarried twice and changed her her name twice. The first time was to her new husband's name and after that went back to her maiden name. While I was sort of sad for a short time because we didn't have the same name anymore, I got over it as I knew she loved me. I would just make it very very clear that you are not leaving your children and embracing others, but that you are embracing your husband's name because you are becoming one and loving ALL.

 

HTH.

[Kanga]

My sister uses option number 3 but does not care if somebody just calls her Smith or Jones. Their answering machine says this is the Smith-Jones residence, which I think is appropriate because they have both Smith children and Jones children in the home.

[Peek a Boo]

I've been thinking about this and to be perfectly honest, I really don't think *I* would be comfortable beginning a new marriage while still tied to my previous husband by name. I think the kids would get over it. But, that's just me, not saying what anyone *should* do.

 

 

:iagree:

[BMW]

The children were raised with a BIG family identity. We were *the Smith"s!! We bahave like "the Smith"s. We stick together... we are "the Smith"s. They hold on to that identity and let the Jones kiddos know it!

They love the Jones and the new dad and I know the bonds are real.

 

I think they want me to be a Smith like them because their dad chose to leave the picture and they have very little hope of a relationship with the original Mr. Smith. They have some abandonment feelings and that is why I want to honor their feelings... but, as some of you mentioned... those feelings would naturally change over they years and I don't want to have to mess with name changes for myself in the future (why give yourself one more thing to do that you don't have to do!).

 

So, what do you think if I was Bee Mary Jones legally, honoring my new husband and being *his* wife and then using Bee Mary Smith-Jones for school papers/signatures for teachers or papers that have to do with the children? Then I don't have to change it later if I don't like it... I could have driver's license and mail come to Bee Jones and if the children raise an eyebrow I could say that I am married to Mr. Jones and that is how the mail looks, but I will always be their mom... ?

 

Thanks, ladies, for taking time with me on this.

 

Bee

[ereks mom]

I think it would really depend upon how I felt about my ex-husband.

 

If my relationship with my ex were amicable, I 'd probably go with option #3.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

It would feel like not "taking sides" with the kids. Of course, in the interests of disclosure, I've never changed my name.

[jmgconner]

I was in this situation. I decided to have two last names - not hypenated, just simply two last names. Jeanne 'Smith Jones'. When I taught school, I went by my married name, not both names, but all legal documents have the two-last-name name. I can legally sign things with either last name.

[Kate CA]

The children were raised with a BIG family identity. We were *the Smith"s!! We bahave like "the Smith"s. We stick together... we are "the Smith"s. They hold on to that identity and let the Jones kiddos know it!

They love the Jones and the new dad and I know the bonds are real.

 

I think they want me to be a Smith like them because their dad chose to leave the picture and they have very little hope of a relationship with the original Mr. Smith. They have some abandonment feelings and that is why I want to honor their feelings... but, as some of you mentioned... those feelings would naturally change over they years and I don't want to have to mess with name changes for myself in the future (why give yourself one more thing to do that you don't have to do!).

 

So, what do you think if I was Bee Mary Jones legally, honoring my new husband and being *his* wife and then using Bee Mary Smith-Jones for school papers/signatures for teachers or papers that have to do with the children? Then I don't have to change it later if I don't like it... I could have driver's license and mail come to Bee Jones and if the children raise an eyebrow I could say that I am married to Mr. Jones and that is how the mail looks, but I will always be their mom... ?

 

Thanks, ladies, for taking time with me on this.

 

Bee

 

How old are your children? It would help to know if they are very young.

[jonesloonybin]

This is what I did and it may not work for you.

 

My daughter was 1.5 when my ex and I divorced and was 4 when I got remarried. I choose to hyphenate HER name. So I am "Mrs. Smith" and Her bio dad is "Mr. Jones" so her name is Jane Jones-Smith. This was done when she was 9. She wanted to do this to honor her stepdad also. (her bio dad is in the picture but does not contribute to her upbringing.) My husband is really her "Dad" in every sense of the word.

 

This also helped when my husband needed to do things for her such as medically, etc.

[melissel]

Here's how I would feel about it--if the kids feel so strongly, their needs come first. I would hyphenate to Smith-Jones. I wouldn't consider the old last name as a tie to my ex, I'd consider it a tie to my children. Honestly, if I were a child in the middle of an upheaval like this (a good one, of course, but upheaval nonetheless) and I asked my mom to do something that helped me maintain an important sense of safety and family and she didn't, I'd probably be pretty upset. (And that is not a slam at all, truly. You have to decide what works for all of you. I'm just trying to consider how I'd feel as a child in that situation.)

 

I hope you can figure out some way to meet everyone's needs!

[Brenda in FL]

I've been thinking about this and to be perfectly honest, I really don't think *I* would be comfortable beginning a new marriage while still tied to my previous husband by name. I think the kids would get over it. But, that's just me, not saying what anyone *should* do.

 

:iagree: And I would think that would be preferable to the new husband as well. There's lots of kids that have their father's last name while mom has kept her maiden name. To me the person to show loyalty to would be my marriage and husband and to set that example to my children even if they didn't like it at first. I imagine there's alot of change that they will have to get used to.

 

Wishing you all well in your new family!!

[HSMom2One]

There's lots of kids that have their father's last name while mom has kept her maiden name. To me the person to show loyalty to would be my marriage and husband and to set that example to my children even if they didn't like it at first. I imagine there's alot of change that they will have to get used to.

 

 

:iagree: This has been my experience, and there has been nothing but love and respect from my older children, who are adults now.

 

When you remarry, the marriage has to come first. It's not at all that the children aren't important, its just that the attitude and priorities have to be well established for the sake of everyone. Details like name changes are all part of it. When the attitudes and priorities are well in place, the kids feel very secure and know they are loved. With a new family structure, that is so important.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[babs]

I like option 3 - all parties should be happy that you tried to honor everyone!

[NYSue]

best of both worlds:001_smile:

[Danestress]

I'd change my name under these circumstances.

 

Sorry kids. I'm not married to your father anymore. I am married to this man, I am his wife, and I am taking his name.

 

Now, I say this as a woman who didn't take my husband's name, and I am perfectly happy that way. I don't feel a strong need to have the same name as my husband or as my children. Really, it's not that big of a deal to have a different name, and I don't feel less part of the family.

 

But since you are ending a marriage and starting a new one, I personally would not continue to wear an ex-husband's name when I have a new husband. So I would take the new husband's name or else I would revert to my maiden name.

[Night Elf]

I only had one child from my first marriage, but when I remarried, I dropped my first married name and took my new husband's name. My daughter was young but I told her then, and anytime she asked, that I didn't want my ex-husband's name in my name forever. If I had been widowed, I would have loved to keep my last name but since it was a divorce and I was remarrying, it just didn't seem right to keep that first married name. My child has never seen a problem with it. And now that my ex-husband is remarried, I think it would have been really weird for me to continue having his name. I'm simply no longer "Mrs. Smith" in any form. I do love my kids but in our society, they have their dad's name and the woman has her husband's name and it's just not always the same.