I'm a big ol' meanie of a stepmom because I won't save him from natural consequences.

[*********]

I shouldn't have vented this here. I apologize.

Edited March 3, 2012 by bethanyniez

[Impish]

Whoever is calling you mean could race around finding everything and sew the button on.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Personally, I totally agree w/you.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Aw. I confess I would have found the pin and sewed the button. If a teen is in a tizzy I happily tizzy with him, at least until he's done that type of event a few times. He'll be put through his paces before the next time, though.

 

Training first, practice next, accountability after. There are so many things a 13-15yo should be able to do that they can't do. I've decided to just accept that and train and drill everything. We use lots of checklists. It helps.

 

I'm not saying you are mean, though, and I'm not totally on his side. My boys are 100% responsible for their CAP uniforms, gear, logistics, and transportation. For non-emergency events they even have to submit transportation requests in writing, 2 days in advance, to DH or me. (Not b/c we are mean but b/c Dh's hours are unpredictable and the younger two also have events. I'm only one person!)

[*********]

Whoever is calling you mean could race around finding everything and sew the button on.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Personally, I totally agree w/you.

 

Thank you Impish.

 

What the person who was accusing me of being mean doesn't get is that I'm actually trying to help the boy grow up. He's getting too old for me to still be saving him from himself every time, and it's better that he figure it out NOW, you know? He's a fantastic boy, and he needs to start developing some sense of foresight and responsibility. I actaully think it's mean to keep babying him and not make him start to take it on himself. He turns 15 next week, for crying out loud. I don't think the boy is responsible enough to drive a car if he can't even keep track of a cell phone and shoes, you know?

[LibraryLover]

As a SM, you're in a tough spot. I feel for you. It can't be easy trying to keep track of all of this, and it doesn't help if you're not getting the respect you deserve.

 

I know for *my* musical son, his workload is tremendous. He has a lot of homework, has AP classes, and many musical classes, competitions and performances. He just turned 18, and I have found myself helping him to keep things in order (he really has a tremendous schedule, and he only has one home in which to misplace items). He has become organized, but we have taught him along the way.

 

The uniforms have a special place in a closet, and they are in suit luggage hanging bags. There are lots of pockets, and we have a small sewing kit in one of the pockets. He has several pairs of different pants and tops, and they have to be frequently dry cleaned. He does not drive, so we take them to be cleaned. There are different shoes for particular programs, and they must be spotless, even if he is up the night before writing a paper for English. There is a lot that needs their attention at this age.

 

Add a developing frontal lobe to the school& music load, and they do seem to need some help learning about organization. I do help. I hate racing around for stuff. I hate not finding an important button. I sympathize. I know it has helped us to have a designated place for the items, several extra buttons, shoe polish in various colors, and a sewing kit in a particular place. Sometimes he also has to wear theatrical makeup, and goes through eyeliner like a super model. lol Again, since he does not drive, he needs to let me know it he is running low on these supplies, but I buy them, and sometimes I ask him to double check his stash. If one student's uniform is off, it will affect the score of a competition, so it's more far-reaching than one family.

 

13 is a tough age, and I do notice that the parents are always in the dressing rooms with the students helping them to get ready. There is a lot to do. It wouldn't be right to save him each and every time. Natural consequences are important to experience. I just wanted to point out that there is a lot going on, at least in my home, wrt to musical performance and prep.

 

I also have a dancer who needs hair supplies, makeup, costuming, gel pads, shoes, ribbons, hair pins, stitch kit etc. in order. Designating a specific place for these items and checking in with the kids once a week reguarding current needs helps keep us from going crazy. Remember too, that for a growing teen, the black pants you bought for orchestra in September will be far too short for the December concert, just when you need them.

Edited March 3, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Jean in Newcastle]

Aw. I confess I would have found the pin and sewed the button. If a teen is in a tizzy I happily tizzy with him, at least until he's done that type of event a few times. He'll be put through his paces before the next time, though.

 

Training first, practice next, accountability after. There are so many things a 13-15yo should be able to do that they can't do. I've decided to just accept that and train and drill everything. We use lots of checklists. It helps.

 

I'm not saying you are mean, though, and I'm not totally on his side. My boys are 100% responsible for their CAP uniforms, gear, logistics, and transportation. For non-emergency events they even have to submit transportation requests in writing, 2 days in advance, to DH or me. (Not b/c we are mean but b/c Dh's hours are unpredictable and the younger two also have events. I'm only one person!)

 

:iagree:

[Jen500]

:grouphug: I know you just needed to vent.

But I think it's probably hard living out of two houses, I know I would find that hard.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

LL!!!!!! I love the luggage bag idea! Including pins, sewing kit, etc. in pockets.

 

Wow, I'm going to go lose some cash today but our lives are about to get MUCH easier. My Oscar will have everything in one place and my Felix will be in heaven. He loves a good system.

 

(They share a room. It can't be helped.)

[Melinda in VT]

Training first, practice next, accountability after. There are so many things a 13-15yo should be able to do that they can't do. I've decided to just accept that and train and drill everything. We use lots of checklists. It helps.

 

:iagree: I tend to save my tough love moments for when I have specifically reminded them that they should check to make sure they have everything the night before, and then it turns out that they didn't check or didn't check carefully enough and things are not in order.

 

But I also totally agree with Impish about the person who called you the meanie. ;)

[SonshineLearner]

Living half and half is hard.... way harder than at one house. I kinda rush around and help when necessary. I know that many wives help their husbands get the proper clothes ready, and my kids who live at 2 houses sometimes need extra help. Being in band and not having the right clothes, will make playing the instrument hard, perhaps. AND, I love the fact that my kids do band.... :( Sorry it's hard for you and your step-son. Step families have serious dynamics that just aren't easy... and leave the step parents feeling... "stepped on" :(

[*********]

I totally agree with you ladies that it's hard for him living out of two houses.

 

But he came over yesterday evening at 5pm. I intentionally did NOT go through his band stuff with him, because he's supposedly responsible enough to take driver's training, so he should be responsible enough to not need me to double check his band stuff, right?

 

Well, he had brought the wrong pants, couldn't find the bow tie (which was later found), flat out didn't bring any shoes, and then has no button on his jacket. :001_huh: And this is all discovered between 25 and 15 minutes before dh needs to be pulling out of the driveway with them. :glare:

 

He could have gone through it all yesterday evening after dinner. He had nothing else to do. He just didn't do it. He procrastinated.

 

His sister (my dsd) and I both were sitting here saying we KNEW this was going to happen. I knew it last night, in fact, when I brought all his stuff in from the car. He left it there because it was pouring rain, so when I got home from running an errand, I brought it all in. I thought 'Hm, mabye I should go through it all with him and make sure everything's in order for tomorrow'. But I stopped myself. The boy has to take responsiblity at some point, right? I don't know how else to do it?! I've been working with him for YEARS, with reminders, and lists, and follow ups, and whatnot. I don't know what else to do besides just let him fall a little on his own. But when I do that, I get accused of being mean. *sigh*

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand why requiring him to go through his stuff last night, when he would still have had to take care of the shoes, pants and button problem but would have at least had the time to do it, would have been enabling him. And I would have required him to bring the stuff in from the car.

[Danestress]

I am guessing there is more going on here because finding a safety pin just doesn't seem that hard. Even the button would only take a minute or two unless you don't know where your pins and needles are. It actually does seem stingy to me, but I am betting there is a backstory here that add to your frustration.

[Mommyof4ks]

Whoever is calling you mean could race around finding everything and sew the button on.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Personally, I totally agree w/you.

 

:iagree: By 15 he should have known to have his clothes laid out and ready to before bed to avoid stess today.

[LibraryLover]

I don't understand why requiring him to go through his stuff last night, when he would still have had to take care of the shoes, pants and button problem but would have at least had the time to do it, would have been enabling him. And I would have required him to bring the stuff in from the car.

 

 

I agree. It's perfectly fine to help him understand what he needs to do, and insist he do it, especially at his age. We need to be proactive in the teaching department. "I need you to think about what you need for tomorrow. Please go through your items before dinner." SHow him how to organize his supplies. Make sure he has the proper supply bags, containers etc. It's also fine to have multiple bow ties. All bow tie-wearing musicians do.

 

His father should help with this, and nobody should be calling you names.

Edited March 3, 2012 by LibraryLover

[*********]

I am guessing there is more going on here because finding a safety pin just doesn't seem that hard. Even the button would only take a minute or two unless you don't know where your pins and needles are. It actually does seem stingy to me, but I am betting there is a backstory here that add to your frustration.

 

Yes.

 

Yes yes yes.

 

Just venting. It's hard to explain it all, you know. It's not just about a safety pin...

[Jen500]

Yes.

 

Yes yes yes.

 

Just venting. It's hard to explain it all, you know. It's not just about a safety pin...

 

:grouphug:

[cin]

As a SM, you're in a tough spot. I feel for you. It can't be easy trying to keep track of all of this, and it doesn't help if you're not getting the respect you deserve.

 

I know for *my* musical son, his workload is tremendous. He has a lot of homework, has AP classes, and many musical classes, competitions and performances. He just turned 18, and I have found myself helping him to keep things in order (he really has a tremendous schedule, and he only has one home in which to misplace items). He has become organized, but we have taught him along the way.

 

The uniforms have a special place in a closet, and they are in suit luggage hanging bags. There are lots of pockets, and we have a small sewing kit in one of the pockets. He has several pairs of different pants and tops, and they have to be frequently dry cleaned. He does not drive, so we take them to be cleaned. There are different shoes for particular programs, and they must be spotless, even if he is up the night before writing a paper for English. There is a lot that needs their attention at this age.

 

Add a developing frontal lobe to the school& music load, and they do seem to need some help learning about organization. I do help. I hate racing around for stuff. I hate not finding an important button. I sympathize. I know it has helped us to have a designated place for the items, several extra buttons, shoe polish in various colors, and a sewing kit in a particular place. Sometimes he also has to wear theatrical makeup, and goes through eyeliner like a super model. lol Again, since he does not drive, he needs to let me know it he is running low on these supplies, but I buy them, and sometimes I ask him to double check his stash. If one student's uniform is off, it will affect the score of a competition, so it's more far-reaching than one family.

 

13 is a tough age, and I do notice that the parents are always in the dressing rooms with the students helping them to get ready. There is a lot to do. It wouldn't be right to save him each and every time. Natural consequences are important to experience. I just wanted to point out that there is a lot going on, at least in my home, wrt to musical performance and prep.

 

I also have a dancer who needs hair supplies, makeup, costuming, gel pads, shoes, ribbons, hair pins, stitch kit etc. in order. Designating a specific place for these items and checking in with the kids once a week reguarding current needs helps keep us from going crazy. Remember too, that for a growing teen, the black pants you bought for orchestra in September will be far too short for the December concert, just when you need them.

 

Similar stuff for us. DH laughs and calls me the 'bag lady' but it works. We have a different bag for EVERYTHING. Piano music is in the Nike backpack (those new type that are shapeless) Knitting stuff is in the knitting bag. Church stuff is in the church bag, etc. And while it seems to be clutter to him, we can pick up our stuff and walk out the door in 2 minutes. Now, if we get there and don't have what we need, well, that is NOT my problem. :glare: My girls are 7 & 10, and my oldest is organizationally challenged (Executive Skills Dysfuntion). This is one way we combat that.

[I talk to the trees]

Yes, he should be able to be responsible for getting his things together, but bouncing from house to house would be difficult for most of us (though we may not want to admit it.) Why would it have been so difficult for you to say last night, "Check that your band things are in order before you go to bed, and let me know if you need anything, okay?" And maybe the lost button fell off somewhere between home A and home B, and he really just discovered it. (Think about this: If it had been a young lady who just discovered a runner in her stockings, would you have been more willing to quickly find her another pair?)

 

I have been to more band competitions than I can count, and I can tell you that nervousness and excitement can wreck even the most organized minds! (Actually, I rather enjoy the adrenaline rush and last minute preparation for these events, to be honest!) I would have pitched in and played seamstress, wished them good luck, then had a discussion later about the ways to prevent this panic before the next event. Now is the perfect time for him to learn to have a "band emergency kit" with a needle and thread, extra buttons, a comb and toothbrush, scotch tape (for windy, outdoor performances or to remove lint and pet hair from a dark uniform,) and anything he might need for instrument repair (like a mini screwdriver and rolling paper if he's a woodwind player.)

 

So, yeah, I know you needed to vent, but it really does sound like you may have been a little harsh on the guy. He's almost an adult. He still needs a little help now and then!

[swellmomma]

Aw. I confess I would have found the pin and sewed the button. If a teen is in a tizzy I happily tizzy with him, at least until he's done that type of event a few times. He'll be put through his paces before the next time, though.

 

Training first, practice next, accountability after. There are so many things a 13-15yo should be able to do that they can't do. I've decided to just accept that and train and drill everything. We use lots of checklists. It helps.

 

I'm not saying you are mean, though, and I'm not totally on his side. My boys are 100% responsible for their CAP uniforms, gear, logistics, and transportation. For non-emergency events they even have to submit transportation requests in writing, 2 days in advance, to DH or me. (Not b/c we are mean but b/c Dh's hours are unpredictable and the younger two also have events. I'm only one person!)

 

:iagree: Says the mom running around packing for the scout sleepover tonight (though it is for me and both boys, but ds13 can not pack for himself appropriately even with a list). I am also one that would have reminded him the night before of what needed to be laid out etc. Of course I get that teaching through natural consequences is great, but I also get that teenagers seldom have the foresight to plan ahead like that without some reminders along the way. Did you guys remind him last night to get himself organized today? Or was there family acitivites he jumped right into when he got there?

 

I have to admit too that if my ex's live in girlfriend wasn't helping my boy when it was something so important I would probably think she was being very mean, regardless of what she thought she was helping him learn. Then again I know my son and know what he is and is not capable of and that is likely not the same as the boy in question here.

 

I just think that those last minute tizzies are part of having a child that participates in various things, it is part of the parenting of a child in those things imo.

[Unicorn.]

I don't understand why requiring him to go through his stuff last night, when he would still have had to take care of the shoes, pants and button problem but would have at least had the time to do it, would have been enabling him. And I would have required him to bring the stuff in from the car.

 

:iagree: Reminding him over and over to check his things is part of the training, not enabling. I would have sent him out to get his stuff, and then stood there while he went through it. Does he have ADD? Some kids really just can't get organized. Teach him to make checklists, for everything, and then go over them, and over them, and over them. Like Teletubbies for teenagers!

 

And a great big :grouphug: for you, cuz I know how frustrating these kids are. And some more :grouphug: :grouphug: because I do think that the person who called you mean, needs to be the one running around fixing it! :D

[Lawana]

I get it Bethany. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have grown stepchildren (that I didn't parent─dh and I married when they were middle teens) and the dynamics suck sometimes.

 

Only you know what has come before, and know what choices need to be made.

 

Vent away.

[Harriet Vane]

Aw. I confess I would have found the pin and sewed the button. If a teen is in a tizzy I happily tizzy with him, at least until he's done that type of event a few times. He'll be put through his paces before the next time, though.

 

Training first, practice next, accountability after. There are so many things a 13-15yo should be able to do that they can't do. I've decided to just accept that and train and drill everything. We use lots of checklists. It helps.

 

 

:iagree:

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[*********]

So, wait, you went through his stuff last night and knew stuff was missing? Did you ask him to double check it all? Sorry for saying so, but it kind of sounds like you were setting him up to fail. I mean, if you knew the stuff was missing last night, why wouldn't you help him out and avoid a big drama today?

 

If this were one of yours, would you have helped him/her get their stuff together the night before? Would you have checked for missing buttons or found a safety pin?

 

:grouphug: I'm a stepmom, so I totally get the resentment of feeling like you are expected to pick up the slack for a dc or ex who doesn't give a rat's patootie. Keep the long-term in mind. It is hard when you have limited time, are dealing with the standards (or non-standards) of another household, and feel totally unappreciated. However, as stepmom, it's not really my place to "teach them a lesson". That is up to the mother and father. I try to support, keep the peace, and provide an atmosphere that is welcoming. The last thing I want to do is be the reason that my dh doesn't have a relationship with his child.

 

BTDT. Vent away

 

Um, no. I didn't go through his stuff last night and knew that he was missing stuff. He should have.

 

And thanks for the 'if he were one of yours' jab. That's nice. 'Specially coming from another stepmom.

 

Whatever. I shouldn't have vented I guess.

[Guest submarines]

I totally agree with you ladies that it's hard for him living out of two houses.

 

But he came over yesterday evening at 5pm. I intentionally did NOT go through his band stuff with him, because he's supposedly responsible enough to take driver's training, so he should be responsible enough to not need me to double check his band stuff, right?

 

So you knew he would be struggling the next day? Do you have issues with him taking driver's ed? Because those two aren't really related.

 

 

His sister (my dsd) and I both were sitting here saying we KNEW this was going to happen. I knew it last night, in fact, when I brought all his stuff in from the car. He left it there because it was pouring rain, so when I got home from running an errand, I brought it all in. I thought 'Hm, mabye I should go through it all with him and make sure everything's in order for tomorrow'. But I stopped myself. The boy has to take responsiblity at some point, right? I don't know how else to do it?! I've been working with him for YEARS, with reminders, and lists, and follow ups, and whatnot. I don't know what else to do besides just let him fall a little on his own. But when I do that, I get accused of being mean. *sigh*

 

 

If you've been working with him for years on organisational skills, maybe he has a true defficiency in this area. Many artistic people do. Being organised and perception of time is not their strong points.

 

It sounds that you knew he'd struggle and you set him up. In my books this is mean. Sorry.

[swellmomma]

If this were one of yours, would you have helped him/her get their stuff together the night before? Would you have checked for missing buttons or found a safety pin?

 

 

 

So you knew he would be struggling the next day? Do you have issues with him taking driver's ed? Because those two aren't really related.

 

If you've been working with him for years on organisational skills, maybe he has a true defficiency in this area. Many artistic people do. Being organised and perception of time is not their strong points.

 

It sounds that you knew he'd struggle and you set him up. In my books this is mean. Sorry.

 

 

:iagree: TO both of the above

[ChocolateReignRemix]

:iagree: TO both of the above

 

I cosign as well.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Well, um, I tend to be the person in a tizzy.:blushing: My parents didn't coddle, my dh doesn't, my kids don't but I just don't seem to get it.

Edited March 3, 2012 by joyofsix

[Poke Salad Annie]

Aw. I confess I would have found the pin and sewed the button. If a teen is in a tizzy I happily tizzy with him, at least until he's done that type of event a few times. He'll be put through his paces before the next time, though.

 

:iagree:

 

It's not unusual for teens to be in a tizzy. This could be a chance to show a loving spirit towards him. He's probably in a tough enough place as it is anyway. Some understanding for him would go a long ways....

[Dustybug]

Whoever is calling you mean could race around finding everything and sew the button on.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Personally, I totally agree w/you.

 

 

:iagree:

[Trilliums]

We'll, um, I tend to be the person in a tizzy.:blushing: My parents didn't coddle, my dh doesn't, my kids don't but I just don't seem to get it.

 

Yea, I've had Plenty of natural consequences and I still struggle in some areas.

 

I left my purse in a Target bathroom last week and another customer pointed it out to me. My keys were in my pocket and I probably would have driven merrily away without my purse. Thank you kind stranger!

 

I understand the desire for him to develop these skills himself. A teenager on the brink of driving is scary indeed! But he seems to still needs guidance. I have also had blended families and I know it is another layer to the already mind boggling adventure of family life.

 

 

I hope you all work through the issues and find a method that works for everyone.

[susankenny]

Natural consequences are indeed helpful sometimes. Other times, grace is more helpful.

 

I'm sorry it was a rough day. It sounds like it was stressful for both of you:grouphug:

 

 

Susan

[Impish]

Thank you Impish.

 

What the person who was accusing me of being mean doesn't get is that I'm actually trying to help the boy grow up. He's getting too old for me to still be saving him from himself every time, and it's better that he figure it out NOW, you know? He's a fantastic boy, and he needs to start developing some sense of foresight and responsibility. I actaully think it's mean to keep babying him and not make him start to take it on himself. He turns 15 next week, for crying out loud. I don't think the boy is responsible enough to drive a car if he can't even keep track of a cell phone and shoes, you know?

I agree w/you again.

 

To me, the responsibility of driving is huge, and if he's too distracted/unorganized to keep his things together, I would have serious concerns about his ability to be safe behind the wheel of a car.

[Jen500]

More :grouphug:

I'm sure it's hard to have multiple adults parenting a child in different houses.

[Melinda in VT]

I agree w/you again.

 

To me, the responsibility of driving is huge, and if he's too distracted/unorganized to keep his things together, I would have serious concerns about his ability to be safe behind the wheel of a car.

 

I'm not sure these two things are correlated. Between DH and me, I am hands-down the most organized and responsible about stuff. It isn't even a question. He loses, I find. And it's not that he doesn't try. He actually has improved in the last 18 years, but it is definitely not a natural strength.

 

But, between DH and me, he is hands-down the better driver. His coordination, ability to judge speed and distance, calmness under driving pressure (although he gets in a tizzy when he's lost things), etc., are so far above my skills that it isn't even funny.

 

We are only two people, and maybe there is evidence to the contrary, but I don't think organization and responsibility about stuff are connected in any way to responsible driving.

[Impish]

I'm not sure these two things are correlated. Between DH and me, I am hands-down the most organized and responsible about stuff. It isn't even a question. He loses, I find. And it's not that he doesn't try. He actually has improved in the last 18 years, but it is definitely not a natural strength.

 

But, between DH and me, he is hands-down the better driver. His coordination, ability to judge speed and distance, calmness under driving pressure (although he gets in a tizzy when he's lost things), etc., are so far above my skills that it isn't even funny.

 

We are only two people, and maybe there is evidence to the contrary, but I don't think organization and responsibility about stuff are connected in any way to responsible driving.

I guess for me as a parent, showing huge responsibility, etc would be a must before drivers ed would be a consideration.

 

Driving is a priviledge, and in *my* house (not saying it is or should be the same anywhere else) it would take some big proving and earning, not simply attached to becoming of age.

[Melinda in VT]

I guess for me as a parent, showing huge responsibility, etc would be a must before drivers ed would be a consideration.

 

Driving is a priviledge, and in *my* house (not saying it is or should be the same anywhere else) it would take some big proving and earning, not simply attached to becoming of age.

 

I can understand that line of thinking, but that's different than what you said in the post I was responding too. That post said that being responsible about stuff was an indication of the ability to be safe behind the wheel. That's the part I disagree with. (Not that we have to agree on that, either, but I just wanted to be clear on the part we disagreed about. :tongue_smilie: )

[Catwoman]

I don't think organization and responsibility about stuff are connected in any way to responsible driving.

 

:iagree:

 

I didn't see the OP before Bethany deleted it, so I can't comment on the rest of the situation. I have a feeling, based on all of the replies, that I know what happened, but I wouldn't feel comfortable commenting on it without hearing Bethany's side of the story.

 

I don't think there is any relationship between driving and procrastinating or not keeping track of your stuff. You can be a wonderful driver, yet consistently forget where you put your keys. :D

[kalanamak]

 

If this were one of yours, would you have helped him/her get their stuff together the night before? Would you have checked for missing buttons or found a safety pin?

 

 

Personally, I know I held my tongue MANY times when hubby's daughters were out of line, and I knew I would have been very blunt with my own son. My son will grow up having a relationship with me, and I'm allowed to tell him his job for the summer is a pyramid scheme and I will not be forking over names of people for him to hit up for a sale, instead of "lying" and saying I just couldn't think of anyone.

 

Knowing what I know of the OP, she would have expected self-motivated bag checking from her teen as well. I can't imagine my mother asking me if I had my stuff for horseback riding. If at 15 I couldn't keep track of my stuff, I could just hear her saying "tough tooties" the next day at the stable. Heck, I was keeping all that in order from 10 on, and since there was no tack barn, it was a whole shooting match.