JennifersLost Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 This is purely a debate topic - I don't think there are right or wrong answers. I've been reading lately about how women are receiving more degrees and how more and more of them are beginning to out-earn their husbands. Obviously, this is a shift that may have profound repercussions on marriage and men and women's roles. My question is: If for some reason you ended up being the sole provider for your family (if you are the wife) and that wasn't going to change, could you set your mind toward making the best of it? If so, how would you approach it? Would you expect your husband to take on all the stay-at-home mom roles - cooking, cleaning, teaching, errands and so on? Or would you split them 50/50? When you got home at the end of the day, would you expect to be able to rest, or would you "take over" for your dh, and let him get out of the house, etc. Would you be able to let go of resentment? (would you have resentment?) How would you motivate yourself? How would you handle money decisions? Would it change the way you see your dh and/or yourself? Have you had any conversations with your kids - sons or daughters - about these trends and what they might mean for their futures? In particular, have you talked at all to your sons about how you think they should behave should they ever find themselves in the circumstance of being a non-earner/secondary earner while their wife carries the family? A final question - should you be/become the main earner, what is the one thing you wish you spouse would do to support you in that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I won't become the main earner. Unless my husband was brain damaged, he would want to be doing something in his field. And, I have a number of chronic diseases and think it is best for my health not to work full time. However, when we got married, I was working full time while my dh was still in college. The only difference it has made in our lives is that when we fill out tax returns, my name comes first because when we first did them as a married couple, I had much more income and would have been considered the breadwinner then. We have continued to do that even as I haven't earned money in a number of years just to keep things easy for the IRS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I do have an friend who is the sole provider. Her husband has some medical issue and can't work. They seem happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewingmama Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I would never work outside the home because I would still be expected to be 100% responsible for the house and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 If my spouse was a stay at home parent then he would take over the jobs of the stay at home parent. If he is also working full time but I happen to earn more then I expect it to be the way it was when I was working full time (and for most of the years I was working full time I was earning more). We split the household chores 50/50. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I'm a nurse, and I already work a few shifts a month so I could go full time at the hospital. If I worked full time, and my husband stayed home, I would expect him to do the bulk of the housework, cooking, etc. I think we would still keep the kids home. I could do the lesson plans, and he could supervise with me helping on my days off. I don't know about giving him a break or rest, lol. I don't get those very often, but he does take them to the playground occasionally. I guess I would try to make sure he had some down time, but honestly, it wouldn't be high on the list of priorities. I'm sure I would resent him getting to be such a big part of their lives while I worked so much, but I would just have to get over it. I don't think we would do anything differently with regards to handling money; I do all of that now, and he wants no part of it. I talk to my girls a lot about how important it is for women to get an education and to be able to provide for themselves and their children. At the risk of causing a mommy war right here, that's all I'm going to say about that part. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Even if for some strange reason my DH lost his job and I kept mine (which is almost impossible since he has tenure and I don't), he would still work every day, even if nobody paid him. So, not much would change except that money would be tight; I am working now and would be working then, maybe more hours, and housework would be fit in somewhere. DH would probably be home earlier and not just at 7pm. I would not want it, because I know how important his job is for DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 This entire mentality is somewhat foreign to me, as I've grown up in and continue to choose a different lifestyle (we support a multi-generational home in which all resources -including money and responsibilities- are fluid). But it's something my SIL's dealing with. She and my husband come from a patriarchial and fairly macho culture, and a very macho family of origin. She has always out-earned her husband (who is American, and not from the same cultural background). She's also ten years younger than her husband. There are many dynamics at play. Her husband continues to work his lower-paying full-time job because he mentally needs it. The money is gravy, and they could get by without it with no change to their lifestyle (that's how little he earns). He needs to feel like he's contributing to the family; his (American) social culture coupled with her ethnic culture still believe that the way for males to contribute is financially. One could reason that a stay-at-home father contributes tons, if not more, than does a low wage-earning dad ... but that goes in the face of hundreds of years of social norms, and so it is what it is. He does very little around the house. He grew up with a single mother and is accustomed to doing a lot; she grew up in a macho culture with very clearly defined gender roles. They agree that it's her primary responsibility to care for children and home, regardless of her outside commitments. To that end, there's no resentment on either side. I know they're more unusual in this regard, though, given conversations I've had with other women who DO resent "second-shift" upon coming home from their paying job. Her husband has it very good, and knows it. His friends are quick to remind him! As for me, I much prefer my family's way of doing things. I'd feel resentful having to bear the burden of being the breadwinner, in ANY capacity (even male/husband/father). I have no desire or need to go it alone or even primarily. I think it's smarter to pool resources and talents, even among extended family. I feel I'm better off that way, and therefore so are my children/descendants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I work full time from home. Dh works full time out in the field...sometimes more than full time. We share the responsibilities...he likes it that way. I prefer the time I was a stay at home mom....who stayed home, took care of the house, kids, school...and he did the money. Now that he has his own business ( or our own business). I am expected to work in it daily.....and quite frankly...I do not like it. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevilla Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 My friend is a SAHD because his wife's job out-earned him significantly and had far better security and benefits. He does all childcare/cooking/grocery shopping/laundry/cleaning/chauffering of children just like you would expect of a SAHM. When his wife gets home she's engaged with the kids just like involved dads are. But the bulk of childcare is on him. They seem pretty happy with this arrangement and have done it through the births of three children. I wouldn't want to be the sole provider with young children (6 and under) because of how important my mothering is at that stage (especially being able to nurse and be close to them physically). But with older children I think DH would be a fabulous SAHD and I'd be fine working full-time. He'd pick up the household chores and such easily too - he's really involved with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 This is purely a debate topic - I don't think there are right or wrong answers. I've been reading lately about how women are receiving more degrees and how more and more of them are beginning to out-earn their husbands. Obviously, this is a shift that may have profound repercussions on marriage and men and women's roles. My question is: If for some reason you ended up being the sole provider for your family (if you are the wife) and that wasn't going to change, could you set your mind toward making the best of it? If so, how would you approach it? Well, the fact is, that won't happen here, just due to our personal interests. However, if it did happen, we would see it coming, and it most likely would have been part of the plan for some reason. So obviously, since it would be purposeful (in our case), we would be making the best of it. :) I say it would have to be purposeful because I can't even see me doing anything that would earn much of anything, much less more than DH. So if I did, it would be something that we saw coming a LONG way off...my interests, etc, would have to develop and change. Would you expect your husband to take on all the stay-at-home mom roles - cooking, cleaning, teaching, errands and so on? Or would you split them 50/50? DH has always said he would be perfectly happy to stay at home if I made more money than him. :) So yes, he would take the majority of those roles. When you got home at the end of the day, would you expect to be able to rest, or would you "take over" for your dh, and let him get out of the house, etc. :lol: I would imagine things would be the same as they are presently. Neither of us goes out 'just to get away.' We do what we have commitments to - activities that we are involved in (DH is a youth leader and board member at our church, I am in the choir, we both have church on Wednesday nights, and I have the typical occasional baby showers, etc to attend). Aside from those things, we don't do anything separate. That wouldn't change. Would you be able to let go of resentment? (would you have resentment?) How would you motivate yourself? Well, if I were in that position I would have put myself there. So no, I wouldn't have any resentment. I'm assuming any job that I would find that important would be something very special to me, and that would be my motivation. How would you handle money decisions? We would make them together, the same way we do now. Would it change the way you see your dh and/or yourself? I don't think so. I can't imagine why it would. Have you had any conversations with your kids - sons or daughters - about these trends and what they might mean for their futures? In particular, have you talked at all to your sons about how you think they should behave should they ever find themselves in the circumstance of being a non-earner/secondary earner while their wife carries the family? No, we haven't. Our kids are still quite young and it hasn't come up. However, considering DH's opinion on it, I would imagine that our sons will grow up with the same mentality. A final question - should you be/become the main earner, what is the one thing you wish you spouse would do to support you in that? Not leave me to do everything myself, I guess. Like if I were to go to work, I wouldn't want to have to come home, make dinner every night, etc. Overall, this is not something that would happen in my family if it could be helped. I believe my place is here at home (not all women, just what I believe for myself, it is where my heart lies and my passion is), and I can't imagine leaving that unless I had absolutely no choice. :( Obviously everyone is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I've often said that dh would be a great SAHD, if my earnings could ever be more than his. I would expect a reversal of roles, dh would do the housework, I would work. Before ds was born and I worked he would often do the laundry and cook because I worked longer hours. He did most of the cleaning too. He owned a cleaning business for a while and did all the cleaning, he's actually a great housekeeper. Our biggest issue would be homeschooling, I would not expect dh to homeschool, he's not academic in that sense. We're starting to have those conversations with ds. I fully expect him to be in a profession that will support his family, but I would be totally supportive if he chose to be a SAHD instead. My dh has been self-employed most of ds's life, so he's seen how having a flexible schedule helps, so you can spend more time with your kids. At our ages this would be only hypothetical. With only 4 1/2 more years of schooling our roles aren't likely to change, unless there is a health issue (almost was there this summer). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 My question is: If for some reason you ended up being the sole provider for your family (if you are the wife) and that wasn't going to change, could you set your mind toward making the best of it? If so, how would you approach it? I am not the sole provider... We both work full time. But I do earn much more than he does. It has been this way for a long time and I don't mind at all because I love my career. Would you expect your husband to take on all the stay-at-home mom roles - cooking, cleaning, teaching, errands and so on? Or would you split them 50/50? We split everything 50/50 because we both work outside the home. If only I was working he would do the majority. When you got home at the end of the day, would you expect to be able to rest, or would you "take over" for your dh, and let him get out of the house, etc. We don't look at it that way. We parent and take care of the home together. If one of us has something going on that night then the other stays with the kids. No big deal. We don't keep score or try to keep things 'fair' or 'even'. Would you be able to let go of resentment? (would you have resentment?) How would you motivate yourself? There is no resentment. Things are the way we want them. I am not forced to work. How would you handle money decisions? The same way we do now. There has never been a "I make the money so I make the decisions" mentality in our home. I don't understand that concept and would not tolerate it. Have you had any conversations with your kids - sons or daughters - about these trends and what they might mean for their futures? In particular, have you talked at all to your sons about how you think they should behave should they ever find themselves in the circumstance of being a non-earner/secondary earner while their wife carries the family? Not directly but they have all seen this growing up so it would not be a foreign concept to them. A final question - should you be/become the main earner, what is the one thing you wish you spouse would do to support you in that? Share the load. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I read the title as 'earrings"! Oh boy. Well, several of my friends are the sole wage earners (or significantly higher paid) and the first thing that comes to mind is that they have no kids. THey are heavy hitters at their work and their husbands pursue interests that support the spouse. For instance, one guy went to chef's school and cooks and entertains for the wife. If there were kids involved, I think the dynamics change considerably. ALso think that it totally depends upon the kind of relationship you have with your husband. Mine own husband is a non-working breed and it does get under my skin:D He spends well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 For most of our marriage, I've out-earned my husband. That's not how we decide how to split up the household responsibilities, though. We're pretty much 50-50 with housework, and with childcare when we're both home. I do more of the homeschooling because my job has more flexibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I read it as earrings at first too. DH would be a great SAHD if there was any chance of me making near the money he does. He makes about 3 x what my highest earning position paid. He already does all the cooking, he's great with the kids, he could easily do the homeschooling. I might be a slightly better housekeeper but not by much. :tongue_smilie: I could see this happening at some point if he wanted to retire. He's 55 now so could theoretically retire while the kids are teens/pre-teens. Depending on the financial circumstances at the time, I guess I could then go back to work since I'm 13 years younger than he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 My Dh would go bat**** crazy within the first 6 months and then start another business. I would hire a housekeeper, and he would do what he wanted to do. Money is a joint decision, always has been, always will be. Dh would do the homeschooling he would be able to do, and either I'd do the rest or we'd farm it out. It's all laughable, because in no way could my guy be a sahd. No, no resentment, I knew what he was when I married him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 This is purely a debate topic - I don't think there are right or wrong answers. I've been reading lately about how women are receiving more degrees and how more and more of them are beginning to out-earn their husbands. Obviously, this is a shift that may have profound repercussions on marriage and men and women's roles. My question is: If for some reason you ended up being the sole provider for your family (if you are the wife) and that wasn't going to change, could you set your mind toward making the best of it? If so, how would you approach it? Would you expect your husband to take on all the stay-at-home mom roles - cooking, cleaning, teaching, errands and so on? Or would you split them 50/50? When you got home at the end of the day, would you expect to be able to rest, or would you "take over" for your dh, and let him get out of the house, etc. Would you be able to let go of resentment? (would you have resentment?) How would you motivate yourself? How would you handle money decisions? Would it change the way you see your dh and/or yourself? Have you had any conversations with your kids - sons or daughters - about these trends and what they might mean for their futures? In particular, have you talked at all to your sons about how you think they should behave should they ever find themselves in the circumstance of being a non-earner/secondary earner while their wife carries the family? A final question - should you be/become the main earner, what is the one thing you wish you spouse would do to support you in that? In my case, I see this as something that could potentially be a part of my future. As long as my youngest child was old enough to go to the school of my choice, I would be okay with this arrangement. Dh would be too. I imagine I would want dh to do more of the domestic work that I currently do, but there are some things I will probably not relinquish because I enjoy them. He would also need to do tasks like take the kids to and from school, music and other activities. I would expect money would be about the same as it is now. I handle most of the money and make most of the money decisions without a lot of dh's input. This would probably not change; I'm the detail person in the family and I think I could not relax and leave it up to dh to remember to transfer this and that, pay this or that, categorize everything, etc. He would never dream of categorizing expenses in his most frightening nightmare! :D I imagine I would mostly expect my after-work time to be for my leisure, not to say that I would be in my own little world separate from the family, but I highly doubt I would come home and mop the kitchen. I have not discussed this avenue with my kids much beyond speaking to my dd in terms of choosing a career that is more easily meshed with family life if family life is a goal. Now - having said all of that, I don't think this would be an easy road during the time my children were little if that was our only way of survival. I would have been very sad if our life situation dictated that I MUST go earn because I had earning capabilities and dh did not. He would not have homeschooled, I would be terribly sad to miss so much of my children's little-hood and I doubt he would become a serious domestic while I worked full time. It would be a pretty unhappy situation, IMO. Of course, if that was the way the cards were dealt, then I would just do what was necessary, but I project that I would be very sad about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 We just transitioned from me working FT mostly out of the home and my husband work PT (staying at home Sundays+3-4 weekdays) to him working FT and me working PT from home only. We split. I never expected him to do everything in the home when I worked FT and he does not expect me to do everything in the home now. Naturally, the person who works more has less time to work in the home but that does not let them off the hook. No one is Ward Cleaver or June Cleaver in my house- we each do a bit of everything. When I got home from work and he had been home all day, I cooked dinner most days and entertained the kids. Then I would rest/relax while he did bedtime. Now, I still cook dinner but he takes care of the kid duties most of the evening and will cook some days too. Cooking is something I love and something that is a chore for him so that stays mainly in my realm regardless. I am loving having more time to cook dinners. My current earning power outstrips his at this time but in time his will outstrip mine. It is a sacrifice for me to be at home more but it is worth it because my job was bleeding into many more than 40 hours (exempt management position) and because I am the better one with homeschooling stuff. His job is also finite- never comes home and he gets paid for every hour worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jar7709 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 This is purely a debate topic - I don't think there are right or wrong answers. I've been reading lately about how women are receiving more degrees and how more and more of them are beginning to out-earn their husbands. Obviously, this is a shift that may have profound repercussions on marriage and men and women's roles. My question is: If for some reason you ended up being the sole provider for your family (if you are the wife) and that wasn't going to change, could you set your mind toward making the best of it? If so, how would you approach it? This could happen for us. I out-earned DH for most of our marriage, until I cut back after our 2nd was born. It was fine- we still make about the same and if DH was to lose his job (his is shakier than mine) I'd go back to FT. We have an egalitarian marriage and he's not of the "macho" persuasion (about that stuff anyway ;)) Would you expect your husband to take on all the stay-at-home mom roles - cooking, cleaning, teaching, errands and so on? Or would you split them 50/50? He'd do more of them than he does now, since we consider ourselves a partnership and take turns with responsibilities when the other can't. With that said we both have our strengths and weaknesses so I am sure I'd retain some of the household responsibilities. (DH will "see" a dirty bathroom, but for some reason can't tell when the carpet needs to be vaccuumed.) When you got home at the end of the day, would you expect to be able to rest, or would you "take over" for your dh, and let him get out of the house, etc. Some of both? Sometimes (often) it is the person that was home with the kids that needs the rest. I know when DH gets home from work now, after dinner, he plays with the kids for an hour so now so I can go decompress on the internets, and then I am better able to devote attention to him after the kids go to bed. Would you be able to let go of resentment? (would you have resentment?) How would you motivate yourself? Motivation, for me, would be easy. Someone's got to pay the bills. Besides, I like my job. How would you handle money decisions? The same as now. I'm the day-to-day money person here. Would it change the way you see your dh and/or yourself? Have you had any conversations with your kids - sons or daughters - about these trends and what they might mean for their futures? In particular, have you talked at all to your sons about how you think they should behave should they ever find themselves in the circumstance of being a non-earner/secondary earner while their wife carries the family? I think both my son and daughter will have the example of DH and I on how to negotiate that situation. I don't think it should be a fraught thing, "how they should behave"--behave like a decent human that wants the best for the household, and if you value and love your household, the responsibilities of your role come easier and from a place of honor. We are teaching both our son and our daughter to get good educations that can give them options in the future and not to place their value on their earning potential. A final question - should you be/become the main earner, what is the one thing you wish you spouse would do to support you in that? Understanding and communication. Interesting topic! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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